In Living Color (1990) s04e17 Episode Script

[Throaty Voice.]
Hello.
I'm Isabel Sanford.
.
.
and for 12 seasons, I played Louise on TheJeffersons.
Like most entertainers, my performance depends a lot on my voice.
You're probably asking yourself right now.
.
.
"How did she get such a smooth, sexy sound out of that throat?" Well, the secret is these: Weezies.
Guaranteed to make your voice sound its absolute best.
How do they do it? By using only the finest of natural ingredients: Retsyn, broken glass, carpet tacks, pit gravel.
.
.
and a hint of cherry.
- Wink, wink.
- [Coughs.]
Oh, what's the matter, Bob? Throat trouble? Yeah.
It's been bothering me for three days.
Here.
Try a Weezie.
[Coughing Violently.]
Weezies take a little getting used to at first.
.
.
- kind of like Mr.
Bentley's face.
- [Violent Coughing Continues.]
What was up with that? - How do you feel now, Bob? - Like my throat is bleeding.
[Coughs, Clears Throat.]
- [Throaty Voice.]
But I sound terrific.
- Of course you do.
You've got the Weezies.
- Can I have one of those too, lady? - Oh, aren't you cute? But aren't you a little young for a Weezie? - Please? - Oh, what the hell.
There you go.
Weezies are for the whole family.
Now, repeat after me.
- [Throaty.]
George.
- [Throaty.]
George.
- Now you.
Florence.
- [Froggy.]
Florence.
Now, one time together.
- Tom, Helen.
- [Both, Froggy.]
Tom, Helen.
- Lionel.
- Lionel.
- Ralph.
- [Both.]
Ralph.
[Man.]
Weezies.
Now available in cherry.
.
.
tar and new sandpaper.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another oneof those funky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughswith talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe, but someof the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go [Woman.]
There's a lecture every minute From the homelessto the vote It's a different message And we'll shove itdown your throat My sister, my sister.
Ooh, look at all those braids.
How you doin'? - So what you up to, my sister? - Well, we're building.
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.
an antiapartheid shantytown outside the headquarters of Wendell's House of Globes.
And we're gonna stay there every day until they take South Africa off their maps.
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because, my sister, until our people are free all around the world.
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.
none of us is truly free.
Ron, you've tried to hit on every girl in this school.
Why don't you make up your mind, my brother? But, you know, man, they all have awesome booties, man, you know.
All the little sweet honeys, man.
They're awesome.
They're.
.
.
ooh-whee! My brother, sometime I don't think you have a brain.
Well, you know, I'll take that.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What are you two doin' here? You should've graduated years ago.
Don't you know, Mr.
Gaines, that we must stay in school.
.
.
if our people are ever to truly be free? [All Applauding.]
You know, besides that, I'm gettin' my master's degree in booty! Ron, Ron, Ron, my brother, this is not the way.
Don't you know that two-thirds of today's college students do not practice safe sex.
.
.
and 73% of sexually transmitted diseases are spread by 11% of the population 92% of the time.
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.
and nine out of 10 people don't even know this show is still on the air.
Do you know that four out of five dentists surveyed recommend Trident.
.
.
for patients who chew gum? - Walter, you're back! - Man, I had to come back, man.
.
.
when I heard that Whitley was using hair spray, man.
Man, that stuff is destroyin' our atmosphere, man.
I ain't lyin'.
And until we protect the ozone, our people will never truly be free.
Listen to my brother, my sisters.
And another thing.
What's with you ladies and shoe shopping, man? I mean, how many pairs of shoes do y'all need? I'm talkin' 'bout all types of damn shoes, man.
Got 'em packed all up in the closet.
Shoes be goin', " Hey, man, why you got us packed all up in this closet for?" Even the shoes tryin' to get away from your big old butt.
But more importantly, pleaserent my video, Necessary Roughness.
Video be sittin' in the rental store goin', " Hey, man, ain't nobody rentin' me.
Get me off the damn shelf, man.
" I may have to open for Luther again if this keeps up.
My sisters, it's my sister.
- This is my sister, Sister Cindy.
- Hey, Sister.
Sister Cindy, my sisters.
.
.
my sisters, my sister, Sister Cindy.
Well, we're off to the shantytown.
Well, I guess I have to find something to protest.
And I'm on my way to the Laundromat, because until I can rid my clothes of filth.
.
.
and stubborn grease stains, our people will never truly be free.
You said that, my brother.
And I'm off to get my damn job back on the Apollo.
[Woman.]
It's time once againto ask the question "why"? Thank you, Paul.
After two weeks in intensive care.
.
.
[Spanish Pronunciation.]
Hector Ramirez is reported to be in stable condition.
He was found on [Spanish Pronunciation.]
La Tijera Boulevard.
.
.
after a collision in his Ford [Spanish Pronunciation.]
Festiva in front of El Torito.
Señor Ramirez had just consumed two extra crispy burritos, three margaritas.
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.
e una pollo quesadilla con queso.
Stop.
Why is it thatreporters try to get ethnic.
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.
when they report a story about Latinos? Why don't they do this with other groups? Thank you, Lisa.
Today at police headquarters.
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.
Captain Kevin [Irish Brogue.]
Magillacutty and Sergeant Sean McCarthy.
.
.
announced their retirement from the police department.
Afterwards, they celebrated at [Irish Brogue.]
O'Shaunessey's Pub.
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.
and had a few pints of [Irish Brogue.]
McDougal's Ale.
Lisa? Thanks, Paul.
An elderly woman witnessed a robbery.
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.
at the [German Accent.]
Wienerschnitzel.
The criminals, dressed in [German Accent.]
Lederhosen and eating sauerkraut.
.
.
yelled a loud "gesundheit" as they hopped into their [Accent.]
1976 Volkswagen.
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.
and drove away.
[Childlike Voice.]
Why? We have a very special guest D.
J.
On this week's show.
He's one of the toughest, bravest guys I know.
And later on in the show, he's gonna do one of the most death-defying stunts attempted.
He's on location right here on the Fox lot.
.
.
and he's high atop the world's tallest D.
J.
Platform.
Please welcome Super Dave Osborne.
- [Applause.]
- Thank you, Twist.
I can't tell you what an honor it is to be on the show.
All right.
Let's not waste any more time.
Come on, girls.
Let's bite it! - [Needle Scratching Record.]
- What's wrong? - That's "kick it.
" - All right.
Let's kick it! [Theme.]
[Ends.]
[Man.]
Established 17 years agoby actor Charles Bronson.
.
.
the Make A Death Wish Foundation isdedicated to making children's dreams come true.
With the help of Charles Bronson,anything is possible.
Wow! Froggy Land, the amusement park! - This is gonna be fun! - Not so fast, little guy.
It costs $35 to get in here.
I don't have $35.
Hey, pond scum, here's a.
45.
You can keep the change.
How about givin' this kid a break? Hey, mister, you wouldn't shoot Freddy the Frog, would you? Of course not.
Take that, you wart-faced, lily pad-suckin'.
.
.
tadpole-molestin' Kermit wannabe.
Hey, kid, let's go see what kind of service we can get.
.
.
with a smile and a gun.
- [Crowd Cheering.]
- [Band Playing.]
That's the way to be in there, Edwardson.
That's the way to be in there.
Look here, Gutierrez.
It comes down to this.
You go out and make a field goal so we win.
- Get out there! - Can I kick the ball, Mr.
Bronson? I'd like to see someone try to stop you.
Hey, jock breath, how about giving the little kid his wish.
Are you out of your mind? This is the championship.
This is the biggest game of my life.
You think I'm gonna let an eight-year-old kid go in there and.
.
.
[Yelps.]
Take that, you whistle-blowin', Gatorade-suckin'.
.
.
watchin' the boys in the shower too long.
.
.
Mike Ditka wannabe.
Hey, kid.
Don't worry about the defense.
I got 'em covered.
Okay, girls.
Hit it.
Rah-rah, Smith & Wesson.
Rah-rah, Smith & Wesson.
[Man.]
At the Charles Bronson Foundation,a child's wish.
.
.
is somebody else's headache.
Hey.
Well, hi there.
You probably wanna know about the plane, huh? No.
He wants to fly it.
Bang! This is fun, Mr.
Bronson! Is everything okay in here? Hey, it's time I get a wish too.
Come here, you peanut-pushing, luggage-losing.
.
.
waking me up when I don't need a pillow.
.
.
little wide-bodied bimbo! Take it easy, kid.
There could be some turbulence.
[Man.]
So please give to the Charles BronsonMake A Death Wish Foundation.
.
.
and give till it hurts,before he hurts you.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
We're only seconds away from one of the most incredible stunts ever attempted.
Now, remember.
Super Dave Osborne is a professional.
.
.
so, kids, don't try this at home.
- Take it away, Super Dave! - [Super Dave.]
Thank you very much, David.
.
.
and once again, I'm thrilled to be on In Living Color.
I love your show.
Uh, what I was going to do tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
.
.
was a stunt that was never attempted before in the history of stuntdom.
It was a three-and-a-half triple loop with a layout.
.
.
on a target in the middle of a bag from 30 feet.
Unfortunately, we have bad weather conditions.
.
.
the wind is coming up.
.
.
so I'm still gonna do a jump, but I'm gonna adjust it a little bit.
I'm still gonna jump to a target on the bag, but I'm gonna do a full swan dive.
It should look beautiful, so you should put a tape in your machine and not miss it.
Now, if you pan down, Terry, you'll see the target on the bag.
I've had it put on the corner of the bagjust to make the stunt more difficult.
Again, this is a piece of cakefor Super Dave Osborne.
.
.
but I did move the target over a little to make it more challenging.
Now, I have promised the people In Living Color, if I don't go directly.
.
.
into the middle of the target, I will donate my full salary.
.
.
which is a lot of money, to their favorite charity.
However, if I do go into the middle of the target, they must double my salary.
.
.
and half the money will go to my favorite charity.
.
.
the Underprivileged Stunt Kids of Manitoba, Canada.
So it should be very exciting, and as an added incentive.
.
.
the people of In Living Color have thrown in a bonus: If I hit the middle of the target, I get a date with the Fly Girl of my choice.
So it's gonna be a lot of fun.
I want you to focus on this.
.
.
and I promise you, I'm going directly into the yellow.
My hands won't even touch the red.
Here we go.
All right.
Hello, bag.
Here I come! Up, and.
.
.
I missed it! Super Dave! Super Dave! Are you all right? [Groans.]
I think I broke my spleen.
Well, of course you are, Super Dave.
Is there anything we can do for you? Since I'm not getting any money for this show, can I have a memento, something? Uh, well, let me see what I can do, Super Dave.
Listen, guys, why don't we give Super Dave the turntable? - Sure.
No problem.
- [Super Dave.]
The turntable? Forget it.
[Groans.]
New pain.
- Super Dave? - Tell the Fly Girl to forget it.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Is this the dog show here? Why, yes, sir, it certainly is.
Now, if you could please just ta.
.
.
You're a little bit taken by Duke.
He a beaut, ain't he, boy? Look at that Duke runnin' like the devil.
- Is there something wrong with your dog? - You're Chester's boy, ain't ya? I'll beJohn Brown, runnin' like a tick in a tree factory.
Yes, you are.
You got big.
I remember when you wasn't bigger than a tick on a possum's ass.
But look at you now.
Boy, I remember.
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.
when you drowned in that creek on the Fourth ofJuly, but you look good now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the competition is about to begin.
Everyone take your places, please.
Heel now.
Heel.
.
.
Heel, Duke.
Heel! Heel, Duke.
Heel.
Starin' at 'im ain't gonna make him yours.
Yeah, I know.
Duke is gettin' a little hot.
You best watch your leg.
Poppin' fresh.
Look at that, boy.
Whoo! Easy, Duke, now.
Let the little ugly bitch go first.
- Aldo is male.
- Well, you can't tell by lookin' at him.
- My, what a marvelous animal.
- Thank you.
He's a purebred.
- And what kind is yours, sir? - Mine is more like a gingerbread.
He just lays still.
Look at that.
There you go.
Shiny coat.
Lays still like a cookie.
Look at that, boy.
- Sir, your dog is.
.
.
- You're Tippy Wilson, ain't ya? Boy, I'll beJohn Brown.
- No, I'm not, sir.
- Yes, you is, boy.
I remember.
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.
when you was on Johnson's farm, and that wheat thrasher cut your head clean off.
But your head grew in real good.
Your ears is balanced and everything.
Boy, look at you.
I'll beJohn Brown, runnin' like a.
.
.
I'm sorry, sir, but you're going to have to leave.
Whoa, Duke.
Heel, Duke.
Heel, Duke.
- Well, look at that.
Stanky Steve.
- What? No.
You stanky, yes, you are, boy.
I can smell you like a bag of clams.
Look at you, boy.
I'll beJohn Brown.
Boy, I remember when they drenched him in alcohol, put a firecracker in his butt.
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.
took him to a bridge and threw himoff the bridge and he fell.
- He hit his head on a rock, bust his head wide open.
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.
- Okay.
I think.
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.
And then juice was comin' out of his head like fire water, and then they picked him up.
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.
All right! Enough! You're in the competition.
I told you, Duke.
We gonna get.
.
.
We gonna win this one hands down.
- Does Aldo do any tricks? - Duke, stay! Look at that, boy.
I'll beJohn Brown runnin'.
Well, can Duke do this? Come on, Aldo.
Come on.
Up, up, up.
Up, up.
Yes.
Good boy! Oh, hell, that ain't nothin'.
You wanna see somebody get on up the stairs? Look at that.
Run that, Duke.
Look at that.
Come on up there, Duke.
There you go.
Hup! Up! Up! There you go.
- There you go, Duke.
- I'm not sure, but I think he cheated.
Cheated? Ain't nobody cheated.
You just jealous 'cause Duke is better than your dog.
Duke can even do impressions.
You wanna see Duke do an impression? Here.
Watch him impersonate.
Duke, do Lassie.
Hello.
What'd you say, Lassie? Timmy's stuck in a mine? Is it a coal mine or is it an oil mine? Gas leak or methanol? Which way did he go? Oh.
- Give it up for Duke.
- It's ridiculous.
Look at this.
Aldo? Yes.
- Now, that's a trick.
- He's a little dancer.
That ain't nothin'.
Come on, Duke.
We got to show our stuff.
Look at that boy running.
.
.
There you go, boy.
You're catchin' 'em.
Well, you know, he been eatin' all day.
He can't eat all the time.
Sir, why don't you just leave now? You don't stand a chance of winning.
What you mean, we ain't got a chance, sir? What you mean? Duke got a chance.
That's what they told him at the clinic when they said he had rabies.
He got a chance.
- Rabies? Oh, Aldo! [Squeals.]
- Calm down.
Calm down, people.
Duke, get him.
Well, I'll beJohn Brown.
Look like everybody done left.
I guess that means we win, Duke.
We win.
Well, you did good.
- Thank you.
Look out there! - Oh, God.
Better get on now.
I'm proud of you, Duke, son.
You did good, son.
I love you like you was my own.
I know you hear me.
Hi, I'm Rosie.
This is my partner, Arthur.
- [All.]
Arthur! - Arthur! Tonight we got Naughty by Nature off ofTommy Boy Records performin'.
.
.
- "Hip Hop Hooray.
" - [Rosie.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! This is the single off the 19 Naughty III album, entitled "Hip Hop Hooray.
" - So check it out.
- [Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! [Continues Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! - Hey! Ho! - [Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Treachery, come down to town.
[Rapping.]
[Both Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! - Ho! Hey! - [Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! - Ho! Hey! - Treachery come down three time! [Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! [Rapping.]
Ho! Hey! Ho!