In Living Color (1990) s04e18 Episode Script

[Wanda.]
Hey, word up.
Welcome to In Living Color's salute to Valentine's Day.
I'm ready to go if y'all are readyto go for real, though.
[Kissing.]
[Man.]
FOX presents the world's first.
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.
condom commercialon network television.
Did you ever notice how I do all these routines? See, I do the routines about the little kids because I like kids.
But then they start to grow up and become teenagers.
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and I don't like them anymore because they're stupid.
They're just stupid.
See, my oldest son is stupid.
The other day, I was trying to get into the bathroom.
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and he tells me that he won't let me in because he's trying to go.
But every time he tries to go, it feels like his pudding pop is on fire.
Now.
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my boy's got back draft going out his boxer shorts.
You see.
And, see, it's all because he didn't use any protection! No protection, see? This is why I'm endorsing.
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the Cosby Condom.
See.
The Cosby Condom.
Okay.
See, that's why, see.
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And they come in a variety of colors.
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from the red strawberry to the lemon yellow.
They come in the green grape and the purple passion fruit, see.
And, see, there's even a special.
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See, if you get into the box, they give you a special one.
It's what I call the.
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"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Condom, see.
So that's why.
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See, when you're with your woman, see.
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and you start whispering, you know, sweet little nothings into the ear.
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and it's " farvy, farvies, far-fa-far-far.
" See, and now your tongue is going into the ear.
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then your wife, Camille's, eyes starts going up into the head.
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see, and she starts making those sounds like.
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[Gibberish.]
And then she starts making faces like, you know.
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[Gibberish.]
And then you feel safe in knowing that you won't get any funky diseases.
And you always will know you won't make any kids.
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that will grow up and become stupid! So before you dip your spoon into the pudding.
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make sure you're wearing a Cosby Condom! Thank you.
[Cosby Continues.]
Take it fromAmerica's most beloved father.
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I'd rather be single! [Groans.]
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go Next! Listen, do you mind if I go first? I've got to get back to the stock exchange before 4:00.
Oh, sure, let you go embezzle your millions.
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while I struggle to get by off of minimum wage.
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- Sit down.
- I don't feel like it.
I said sit down! - Name.
- Homey D.
Clown.
Oh, yes.
Herman Simpson.
We know all about you.
I'm Sally.
I'm your new parole officer.
- What's that, Sally? - It's your file.
Let's see.
" Abusive language, failure to perform prescribed.
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" Save your breath.
That's just another long list of lies.
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perpetrated by the man to keep a brother down.
Clown, please.
Let's place the blame where it belongs.
I believe your anti-social behavior is the real problem.
I'll tell you what the real problem is.
- The real problem is you're nothing but a tool of the man.
- You are living in a fantasy.
- Another oppressor.
- You wanna blame everybody but yourself! - You want to break the rules and stay out of jail! - You don't care about me! [In Unison.]
I don't think so.
[Melodramatic Classical.]
[Snaps.]
[Clown Horn Honking.]
[Horn Continues Honking.]
- Yeah! - It's Homey the clown! - Hey, Homey, does your nose squeak? - Girl, don't touch my nose.
- Hey, clowny, do a stupid clown trick.
- Yeah! - I'd love to.
- Herman! - Come on! - Yeah, come on! Okay, childrens.
Just one stupid clown trick.
- Yeah! - Yea! Look at Homey's flower.
Smell Homey's flower.
[Squeals.]
- [Laughing.]
- Okay, run along, little children.
See? He's a stupid weak clown.
Now, that's more like the Herman I want to see.
He kicked me in my behind, honey.
Oh, that's all right.
Because you're starting to act like a real person.
By the way, Mama's coming over on Monday.
And Wednesday you start your new job.
But I got a job, honey bunch.
I'm a clown, remember? You're not a clown.
You're a buffoon.
I'm talking about a real job, Herman.
An entry level position at that fancy new restaurant I told you about.
- Not Chez Whitey.
- Yes.
Look.
It's high time you stopped playing the fool.
Get yourself out of that ridiculous outfit and into a regular suit.
You know, Herman,I can just picture it.
You wearing one of thosenice little red valetjackets.
If you're faithful and humble.
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and do exactlywhat the man tells you.
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that means no hostility.
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they might evenlet you inside the restaurant.
The time has come for youto fit into society.
Come on, Herman, give it up and join the establishment.
- The establishment, huh? - Yes.
You want me to put on a little monkey suit and park cars for the man, huh? Maybe if I do real good, I can move up to washing dishes.
Then maybe waiting tables.
Who knows? Maybe five or six years later.
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I'll be able to seat Whitey himself.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Yes, Herman, I would.
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- I'm telling Daddy.
- Good.
Give him this when you see him.
Hmm.
Now, I wonder where those sweet little childrens went.
There he is! I told you he'd still be here.
Hey, uh.
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Hey, clown man, do another trick for us, will ya? - Yeah! - Yeah! - Another clown trick, huh? - Yeah! - Yeah! So you can fall down laughing while I degrade and shame myself for your amusement, huh? - [Children In Unison.]
Yeah! - You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Yeah! - Yeah! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! - Homey! - Sit down! Gather round, little chickadees.
Homey's got a little love story to tell you.
- Ooh! - Now, which one of you kicked me in my behind earlier? - He did! - Me! - Okay, you get up here and be my assistant.
- Yeah! Hey! Now, once upon a time.
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two lonely hearts came together.
- Woo woo.
- Wow.
- Just like this.
- Ooh.
- Ewww.
Then love poured all out from their hearts.
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nice and thick-like.
Until Homey realized.
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that it was just a trick to whiten him up, like so.
And it made his heart beat over and over and over again.
The end.
So, what has our little lesson taught us if nothing else, childrens? [Children In Unison.]
Homey don't play that.
Very good.
Now, let's sing a little Homey love song.
- You do backup for me, would you? - Yeah! - Love is bad - Bad - Love is sad - [Children In Unison.]
Sad - Love ain't glad - Glad Love is something you wish you never had 'Cause love takes your heart and kicks it around the room Then it tries to set you up and send you to jail It'll make you unhappy for the rest of your life - I said back me up.
- [Singing Haphazardly.]
[Haphazard Singing Continues.]
Hey, hey! Hey! The white girl is offbeat.
The end.
[Whines.]
[Announcer.]
Tired of making up lame excuses? Don't you wanna cuddle? Baby needs a hug.
[Yawning.]
I can't hug you right now.
I'm still sleeping.
[Announcer.]
Is postcoital cuddling bringing you down? See, you don't understand.
I got to be somewhere at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
Then I'll leave with you.
No.
But, uh, you can't leave with me.
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'cause my car was in an accident and it only has one seat left.
- Then I'll sit on your lap.
- Uh, listen.
Now, I didn't wanna have to tell you this, and it's top secret.
I'm on a mission for the C.
I.
A.
I have to travel alone.
It's a matter of life and death.
But if you die, I don't wanna live.
[Thinking.]
Geez, what do I have to do to get rid of her? [Announcer.]
Sounds like you needthe Ejector Bed from Rudeco.
Yes, it's simple to operate and can ejectup to 2,000 pounds in a single thrust.
Oh, wow.
This never happened to me before.
I guess I must've been under a lot of stress.
Maybe some fresh air might help.
[Announcer.]
Yes, the Ejector Bed.
Your best friendin a sticky situation.
- [Woman.]
Honey, I'm home.
- [Gasps.]
- It's my wife.
- Oh, no! Where will I hide? [Announcer.]
Don't get caught without one.
The Ejector Bed from Rudeco.
Ejector Desk and Ejector Chairsold separately.
[SultryJazz.]
Hi.
You must be Velma Mulholland.
That's right, kid.
Got a cigarette, Johnny? No, I don't smoke.
Sorry.
Stick around, bright boy.
I'll teach ya a few things.
Oh, really? Well, uh, listen, my name is actually Eddie.
Eddie, Johnny, kid, bright boy.
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It's a big world out there.
What's in a name? That's hip.
Um.
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Listen, my man Steve told me a lot about you.
Said you're a party girl and you're kind of old-fashioned.
Lies, all lies, I tell you.
Sure, maybe I hung with the wrong crowd and skipped Sunday school, but I'm not all bad.
No.
He said good things about you.
He said that.
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you know, besides you lookin' good, he said that, you know.
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you worked at the five and 10, got a jobsky and, you know, you like old movies.
Sure, I see a picture show now and again.
It helps to pass the time when your heart's been broken in so many pieces.
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it feels as though you'll never see the light of day.
Hey, uh, why don't we just talk all this over over dinner.
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and some movies or something? - Aw, Johnny, you're a sweet kid.
- I am? But don't you see? It'd never work.
I'm no good for ya, Johnny.
I'd be trouble from the word go.
Hell, my middle name is trouble.
But not you, Johnny.
You've got a shot at something really big.
You're gonna make something of yourself.
I'm gonna be somebody? Johnny, don't you see? We're from two different worlds.
You're real top-drawer, head of the list, cream of the crop.
I'm nothing but a washed-up has-been workin' in a dime-a-dance saloon.
Steve said you worked at the five and 10.
Five and 10, dime-a-dance.
Can't ya see, Johnny, I'm trying to knock some sense into that lunkhead of yours.
I'm no good for you.
No good, I tell you.
Oh, Johnny, you deserve that stone cottage with the picket fence and the shady oak tree.
If you stick around with me, kid, they'll ruin your life just like they've ruined mine.
Hey, look, is it the black-and-white thing? - Because you should've said that up front.
- All right, Johnny.
You've forced me to say it.
I hate you.
You hear me? I hate you.
I hate you! I despise you! If I never see that puppy dog face around here again, it'll be too soon.
Now beat it.
Scram! I'd better get out of here, 'cause you can't be hittin' a brother like that.
Johnny! Johnny! That's right, Johnny.
Save yourself.
Run just as fast as your legs will carry you.
Run to the ends of the earth if you have to, only don't look back.
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because I won't be here.
But I love you, ya big palooka! [Dance.]
- [Hip-Hop.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Ends.]
[Shower Running.]
[Snorts.]
Hey, my brother.
Man, you're not gonna believe the night I just had.
I don't even know how I got here.
What? Oh, yeah, she was all that.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Shower Stops.]
Well, believe that.
Yeah, man.
Shoot, I was so drunk, I don't even remember what she looked like.
But I do remember she had the thickest, juiciest lips.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, and her skinwas so smooth, man.
It wasn't like any other woman's I've felt before.
I'm not lying.
And her body, man.
Like, she was strong.
I think she was,like, an athlete or something, man.
And when she got you in that love lock, it was over, homey.
It was over.
Oh, man!And her arms, boy! Her arms were suppleand thin, man.
Yeah, it was going on.
[Chuckles.]
I think I just heard her.
Yeah, I gotta go, man.
You never know.
It might be time to knock some more boots.
See you around, brother.
Uh, hey, baby.
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[Chuckles.]
Who ever thought we'd end up here after meeting in a club? You know, you so crazy.
Your mind is so forgetful.
We didn't meet in no club.
We met at Golden Bird Fried Chicken.
And you said you was hankering for some dark meat.
I said, "Hey, for real, though.
" You got a cold or something? 'Cause your voice kind of husky, man.
Oh, no.
My throat is kind of scratchy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's right.
I couldn't take my eyes off of you.
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'cause you the one in them tight, sexy, bicycle shorts.
You know, your mind is so through, 'cause I didn't even have on no biker shorts.
I had on my, uh, my-my leopard skin taffeta dress.
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and I had on a tiger bustier with a leather choker.
You know, I got it from, uh, from Frederick's of Crenshaw down on Florence and Normandy.
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when they had that big scuffle.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, man.
That's right.
I mean, so much of last night is still in a haze, man.
I don't know which end was up.
Well, you know what? They were all pointin' up at one time or another.
Uh, I can't seem to find my wallet.
Uh, you didn't happen to.
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Wait a minute.
I know you ain't accusing me of stealing nobody's wallet.
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- 'cause Wanda has money.
- No! No! No! Wait! - 'Cause I don't need nothin' from nobody.
- Hold on, baby.
I don't need no man telling me what to do, and I don't need no man's money.
Excuse me! All right, now.
I just.
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I just wanted to know have you seen it, that's all? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm jumping the gun and stuff.
Let me help you find it.
Uh, I think it might be near that end.
Near which end? - Down there, near the foot.
- Well, whose foot? Your foot or my foot? - Well, let me see here.
- Oh, my God! I think I just saw a skin-back mongoose or something like that.
- You saw a mongoose? Where? - It was.
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[Screaming.]
- Where is it? - It's on your face! Well, get it off! Get it off! Get it off! For real? For real, though? - Did you get it off? - I don't think it's ever coming off.
Oh, Lord, I couldn't have.
Please forgive me.
Forgive me of all my sins.
Forgive me, please.
That's okay.
I know youconcerned about me and stuff.
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'cause you was religious last night, 'cause you kept going, "Oh, God! Oh, yeah!" And I said, "Hey, word up! Word up!" La la la la la la la La la la la la la la Stop saying that! Stop saying that, man! It's disgusting! I can't even believe I touched you, man! You hideous, man! What you mean, I'm hideous? Last night, you was batting a thousand.
- And it's over the wall! - Yeah, if I had a bat now, I'd whup your ass over the wall.
Hey, man, what you.
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- What's wrong with you? - Oh, it's locked! The door, it's nailed shut.
Well, see, you so crazy.
You said you wanted some privacy.
Don't be jumping away from this.
Come get this chocolate candy.
Oh, Lord, this.
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this is a nightmare.
I do believe in Christmas.
I do believe in Christmas.
I do believe in Christmas.
Honey.
Honey, honey! Child, sweetheart.
- Christmas already came.
You got the marks to prove it.
- What you talking about? Look, you got the marks.
Look, I put a hickey on you right there.
- No! - Right there in between your smoky mountains.
This ain't no hickey! This is a bullet wound, man! [Spits.]
Get it off! Get it off! Now, wait a minute.
Hold on now.
You promised me something else too.
Man, that's my wedding ring! Ouch! Ow! Ouch! You're hurting me! Assault and batteries.
Assault and batteries in here! Assault and batteries.
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- I'm calling Larry Parker.
I'm suing you.
- Hey, hey! - You just like Clarence Thomas.
You ain't got.
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- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You just like Clarence.
He just like Clarence.
- Let me see.
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- Uh-uh! What's wrong with you? Hey, man! Hey, body slamming me! Hey, now! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Oh! Now, look, lady, I just.
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I just.
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.
I'm really sorry.
Are you okay? I got you.
I just want you to be calm and stuff around me.
Why you trying to get away from me? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now this is crazy.
- Control yourself.
Chill out.
- Ohh! Ohh! I know you're excited 'cause you're here with me.
Oh! Man, this is crazy.
You know how I feel about you, don't you? Look, just give me back my ring.
I'm gonna give you something real special.
- Okay, then.
- Yeah.
Work that which is righteous.
All right, now close your eyes.
- All right, pucker up, andmack daddy's gonna give you.
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- [Kisses.]
[Screaming.]
[Audience Ahhing.]
Even after I have rocked his world.
- Well, thanks for joining us.
We'll be back next week.
- [Hip-Hop.]
- So, don't forget to tune in.
Peace.
Love you, Ma.
- Love you, Ma.