In the Long Run (2018) s02e06 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 6
1 MATTHEW WILDER: Break My Stride Dear Mama, I am sorry but I do not think we are able to travel to Sierra Leone very soon.
So, instead, we are saving money towards your ticket so you can come next year.
We cannot wait to show you our lives and our home.
Hey! (CHUCKLES) Dear Mama, I am sending you money to come visit me.
There is so much I want to show you.
My van, a tree that looks like Uncle, a dog who smells like a goat.
London is full of amazing things.
OK, bye.
(SLURPS) Ahh! (SLURPS) Ahh! - Is something wrong, brother? - Don't touch my beer.
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride Nobody gonna slow me down Oh, no, I got to keep on moving Ain't nothing gonna break-a my stride I'm running and I won't touch down (BLOWS SOFTLY) Mm.
Mm! - Er Mm! - Bagpipes.
- Mm! - They're for Melissa's party tomorrow.
Oh, sorry.
(SMACKS LIPS) I'll make some more.
Huh! What are they? Do you think your dad might wear his uniform? Bagpipes.
There's a teeny-tiny chance that my parents (SIGHS) - might not make it.
- How teeny-tiny? - They're not coming.
- (SIGHS CROSSLY) I knew it.
Kirst.
You know, I send them letters, photos of the kids.
And what do they get back? A Laura Ashley voucher each.
Yeah, but they do have some smashing fabrics.
Do you think it's because Melissa's - Well, you know.
- No, my parents aren't racist.
(SCOFFS) Well No, I mean, course they aren't.
- I mean, so what if they're not coming.
- (SIGHS) - Er! - Get off! Give it.
Everyone knows it's not a free bar, right? Stop it.
Huh? No free bar? Don't you start.
I've got enough grief at home for my parents not coming.
What did you say? And then tomorrow morning will be spent balling melons and putting walnuts on things.
I don't know.
I'm no good at the party stuff.
I am.
Decorations, buffets.
Check lists.
I love it.
Well, fancy swapping places? Great idea, Bagpipes! I would be honoured.
So let me get this straight.
Your parents are not coming to your daughter's adoption party? Yeah, but it's fine.
We're not really a spending-time-together sort of family.
- When was the last time you saw them? - Oh, I don't know.
Um, it was about three, four four, five um years ago.
You haven't seen your parents in five years? It's a 45-minute drive, Walter, an hour in traffic.
Hell, Baggy.
If you were my son, I would beat you with my belt.
Uhh! Rajesh, can you believe it? He hasn't seen his parents in five years.
(SCOFFS) My God.
- Would that happen with your daddy? - Of course not.
Hm.
Living with daddy in his home, with all his belongings, is a gift.
And once Rani and I are blessed with children, children who will also learn, not to touch anything in the living room, especially his porcelain dog collection, he will be a wonderful source of er knowledge.
(CLEARS THROAT) Until then TISWAS THEME SONG Saturday, Saturday (CHUCKLES) It's the weekend.
The cleaning fairies have a day off.
Well, the demon that makes a mess in my flat works every day, - sometimes when I sleep.
Yeesh.
- And so he's taking a shift here? Tidy your bowl! After this very good programme, sister.
- Now! - (CHUCKLES) 'Ey! That's so unfair.
I was watching this.
Look where your face fit but don't waste any flakes.
Kobna, you are not wearing this.
It's an adoption party not a Beastly Boy video.
- But I'm not going to the party.
- Ha, ha, ha! Yes, you are.
But everyone's going to be at the youth club, Barney, Dale (MUMBLES) Kerry.
Kobna, you are not bringing shame on this family.
- Watchy.
You are going.
- But that's so unfair! - Boy! - Hey, hey! Who are you to speak to your mother like this, house boy? You will come to this party and make your parents proud.
And to make sure you don't sneak away, you will come with me now while I get some DJ equipment.
Go now! Lucky bobo.
Pee-pee face.
- Sh - 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey! Don't not worry, sister.
He will be there.
'Ey, your hair looks nice today.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Kobna! Latch up your lip.
Wait for me.
- I said wait for me! - (DOOR CLOSES) Frank, do you ever clean these tables? - When they need it.
- (SIGHS) This is from last year.
(CHUCKLES) We need to get this place cleaned up.
Then put the ashtrays out.
But not the pub ones.
Scallop shells.
Classy.
Then we'll make that punch you made at Sheila's wake, the one with the bits.
- The one I dropped the peanuts in? - Yeah, like it.
Then decorations up, put the buffet out, collect the cake.
We can pay Gary at the bakers with these.
- Hey, Baggy.
- Huh? I've been thinking about you and your parents all night.
Listen.
If we leave now, we can go, speak to them - and come back before the party starts.
- No.
- Walter, it's not a good idea.
- The Cortina is outside.
- No, he's got to ball these melons.
- Ball the melons and pick up the cake and do the decorations and pick up the cake.
Baggy.
All right, if you insist.
But I'm not chipping in for the petrol.
- But I need you to help me with this.
- Don't worry, - the cavalry has arrived, madam.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - (IMITATES FANFARE) - Stop it.
- Which way to the kitchen, please? - Oh, just through This way.
I missed wrestling for this? (CHATS SOFTLY) (CLEARS THROAT) My daddy.
So, what happened with your parents, huh, five years ago? Well, Melissa happened.
Yeah.
Since she was born they've been a bit funny.
Funny? How? How do you mean funny? Well, I'm starting to think that my parents Well, there's a chance that they might be a little bit (COUGHS) .
.
racist.
- Don't like black people? - Look Yeah, no, I understand.
I see.
You know, I told you this was a bad idea.
- No, listen, it's fine.
- They'll like you, Walter.
Oh? I mean, you can charm the birds out of the trees.
(CHUCKLES) As long as the birds ain't - (BOTH COUGH) .
.
racist.
- Racist, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) THE CURE: In Between Days - Oh, is it me or is it hot? - It's never bloody hot in this country.
(DOORBELL) (SIGHS) Did I mention my dad's a trained sniper? (SNIGGERS) Baggy (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Well, look who it is.
Oh! Welcome home, Terence.
So, where is this DJ equipment then? In the back of the van.
Huh? Well, why are we here? Because you are going to invite your Kerry and ask her to the party.
- Yeah, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) - Really? Yes, but don't take long otherwise your mama will make my life very bad.
You remember the time she threw the cups at me? It almost hit my head.
Hey, er do you know what to say to her? No! Help me, please! OK, OK.
Don't worry.
Uncle Vali has got this.
OK, OK, er, I will be your Kerry, huh? Hm? (GIRLY VOICE) Mm! Hello, Kobna.
How are you today? OK, this is weird.
All right.
How about (DEEP VOICE) .
.
I do this voice then? That's even worse.
Oh, just ask me to the party, house boy.
Come on.
OK, er Do you want to go to the party? No, no, no, not like this.
Compliment me.
How do I smell? (SNIFFS DEEPLY) - Mm, you smell nice.
- Ooh, cheeky.
- Thank you.
- Did you have a bath this mor - Oh, this is stupid.
- (LAUGHS) OK, OK.
OK, OK.
Ah, I can see that these skills are too advanced for a house boy of your age.
Just go in there and be yourself.
Kobna, you are a nice young man - and she will see that.
Huh? - All right.
(SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC) I'll make tea.
We haven't got anything exotic, I'm afraid.
OK.
Are you all right? No, I'm not all right.
Your racist dad has a gun.
- Yeah, but he's just put it down.
- That doesn't make me feel better.
Kettle's on.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Would you like me to see if next door have a can of Lilt? Oh, I see you got the invitation.
Oh, yes! (CHUCKLES) An adoption party! (CHUCKLES) How um modern.
Anything you want to say, Bagpipes? No.
Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you've got a lovely place.
- It's like Hamleys.
- (ANGRILY) So glad you like it! Fancy a quick tour? Take you to the bedroom and stick with my wife an' all.
Get the full Delacroix set.
What? You must be joking, man.
I mean, you're lovely, you're very beautiful, but That your modus operandi, is it? Woo them with sweet talk? And get them up the spouts! Er Take care of yourself, Dorothy.
Wh Er I don't know what you think but er Well, hold on.
- He's not Melissa's father.
- I'm not Melissa's father.
No.
Unless there's something you're not telling me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) - Now's not the time.
- Yeah.
No.
- This is Walter.
From Sierra Leone.
- Mm-hm.
(TUTS AND SIGHS) Oh.
Oh, I do apologise, Walter.
That is no way to treat a guest to our home.
It's no way to treat a guest from another country, for that matter.
Er, so, um (CLEARS THROAT) .
.
the the party.
Er, yes.
Er, well, unfortunately, Malcolm has to go to um er Folkestone Hospital.
.
.
Folkestone Hospital that day - to have his knee - Hearing aid.
Fixed.
Damn thing.
Ouch.
The party's today.
Why the bloody hell aren't the decorations up? - Why aren't the directions up? - I don't do heights.
- He doesn't do heights.
- It's only 9ft.
Well, it's only 9ft.
- Let you do it, man.
- Let you do it, man.
BOTH: Shut up.
OK, so the left one needs to go up a bit and you need at least two or three over the other um the other um Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Maybe four.
Four.
- Don't poke it.
- Why? No.
Dean, no looking.
Can I have six packets of nuts, please? (SNIFFS) Mm! You smell.
- Nice! You smell nice.
- (CHUCKLES) OK.
- Wanna get me another coke? - No.
Oh.
Sorry.
I mean, I can't.
I have to get back for this family party.
- Boring.
- Yeah.
Really boring.
Apart from the music.
And the food.
- Mum's made fish balls.
They're wicked.
- Ah.
- I didn't know fish had balls.
- (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (CHUCKLES) - Good one! - Are you all right? My uncle told me to laugh at your jokes, especially the bad ones.
Oh, shit.
So are we going to this party then or what? Eh? You wanna come? All right, calm down.
It's not like I've kissed you yet.
Time is over.
You need to get in my van now.
Argh! Stranger danger! What is this? 'Ey, Kobna, what did you say to her? STEVE MILLER BAND: Abracadabra Oh, that's just reminded me.
Can you pick up a box of Shrimpy Snacks from Valentine's? - What is Shrimpy Snacks? - Like, er, fishy breakfast cereal.
(GRUNTS) Do not smell them.
Er, Mr - Daddy.
- Daddy.
(SPEAKS SLOWLY) Would you mind putting out the food that I've prepared? - Please? - (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) He says er he can't wait to try it all.
Aw.
Yum.
(CHUCKLES) Aw! (CLEARS THROAT) That is very nice.
Oh, thank you.
That's one of mine.
Mm.
- The model was nude.
- Well, as is the custom.
But I popped a twinset on her.
I can't have all that gawping down at me when I'm trying to watch The Equalizer.
Right, I've had enough of this.
- I'll see you in five years.
- Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't leave, man.
Look at them.
They're not young.
They might die.
We can hear you, you know.
I'm sorry.
You know, when my father was ill, I had just moved to England from Sierra Leone and my mother didn't tell me how bad it was.
So I said, "I'm gonna go back and see him.
" I just wanted to make some money and settle in, you know? And the next time I saw him, well, - it was his funeral.
- (GASPS SOFTLY) Oh.
I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I would do anything to speak to him again.
And you are lucky, Bagpipes.
You are here.
You should speak before .
.
you know.
I think what Walter's trying to say is when did you two become such racists?! Eh? What? No, I'm not trying to say that.
I never had you down as racist.
A bit xenophobic towards the French, maybe, who isn't, but racist? Don't be silly.
Ever since Melissa's been born, you've had nothing to do with us.
Just because she's You know, she's - Half Yeah Half Mixed.
- Not You know, not white.
Darling! That's not the reason.
We've got no axe to grind against Melissa.
No, it It's Kirsty, love.
She's Well, she's Well, she she's a slut! (COUGHS AND CLEARS THROAT) - Would you mind leaving us a moment? - Yeah, of course.
I'll leave you to it.
Hm.
What are these Shrimpy Snacks, huh? Hey, Valentine, this place is a mess.
Agnes, you will not organise his kitchen.
(FRUSTRATED GROAN) Valentine.
How can you live like this, huh? (SIGHS) I don't believe it.
Look what you have done to my top.
This is my lucky top.
Now I'm going to be late.
What will your daddy say? (SIGHS) We just couldn't stand seeing you with that sort of woman.
We did worry when you got married.
She seemed so young.
(SIGHS) Never trust anyone under 40.
But she seemed a lovely wife and mother until - The event.
- What? Making you raise another man's child.
(SIGHS) I couldn't watch you going through that sort of humiliation.
But I wasn't humiliated.
Well, you should bloody well have been, son.
(SIGHS) OK, well yeah, I was when Melissa was tiny.
Yeah.
I definitely hated Kirsty for a while.
I nearly left once.
Well, why didn't you say something? Well, it's not the sort of thing you talk about, is it? "How was your Christmas?" "Oh, great.
New pair of socks.
Walked out on my family.
Broke my kids' hearts.
So, a mixed bag.
" But then I saw 'em on the sofa and Kirsty with a silly bloody grin on her face and the kids all cuddled up, all laughing watching The Two Ronnies.
I thought, I can't say, "It's goodbye from me.
" You know? I couldn't do it to 'em, no matter how shitty it made me feel.
Melissa's my little girl.
She's beautiful.
She makes me so so happy.
(SIGHS) If the cost of having her in my life is some meaningless bunk-up from five years ago, that's a price worth paying, isn't it? (SNIFFS TEARFULLY) Yeah.
That little girl deserves to have her granny and her grandad at her party.
(SIGHS) So .
.
are you coming or what? - Stop moving the food! - You call this food? I wouldn't feed it to my enemies.
Which one? There are so many to choose from.
- (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - No, don't say this to me.
Er, right, everyone.
- (HEATED CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE) - Hello, everyone.
Oi! This sodding party starts in ten sodding minutes.
So, I want you lot to do exactly as I say or else.
Understand? - Er - Don't you dare.
DEPECHE MODE: Just Can't Get Enough All right.
Respect.
- Should we put it? - Yeah, yeah.
(SNIFFS AND GAGS) (HUMS TO HIMSELF) Wait.
Oye.
The cleaning fairies? Ahh.
Hey hey! I just can't get enough I just can't get enough Hello.
Now, I want to introduce you to Granny and Grandad.
- Isn't she lovely? - Hello.
Mmm! Look at the way she's flirting with Kobna.
- Aggie, leave this boy.
- But Walter No, no.
There's nothing you can do.
Listen, a fishing pool is for fishing.
(CHUCKLES) Hey! Thank you, sister.
My flat is looking very amazing, eh? I don't know what you're talking about.
(SNIGGERS) She's joking, right? Oh, it's a lovely do, Kirsty.
Come and do our next regimental reunion and karaoke night.
I'll show you my Shakin' Stevens.
No-one wants to see you shaking anything, Malcolm.
What, so do this? For money? - What else? - Oh, my God.
Well, that's it.
Bagpipes, that's what I'm gonna do.
- I'm gonna start my own business.
- Eh? (CHUCKLES) (MUTTERS) Oh, shit.
(CHUCKLES) - Where would they be without you, eh? - Essex.
(LAUGHS) 'Ey, look at the house boy.
(CHUCKLES) But you know what? - I miss my mama.
- Oh, me too, brother.
Hey.
Me too, man.
'Ey.
- (RECORD SCRATCHES) - SISTER SLEDGE: We are family (BOTH CHEER) I got all my sisters with me Hey, hey, 'up.
Hey, 'up.
- We are family - Pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
Hey! Pass the ball.
Get up, everybody, and sing We are family I got all my sisters with me Pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
We are family Get up, everybody, and sing We are family
So, instead, we are saving money towards your ticket so you can come next year.
We cannot wait to show you our lives and our home.
Hey! (CHUCKLES) Dear Mama, I am sending you money to come visit me.
There is so much I want to show you.
My van, a tree that looks like Uncle, a dog who smells like a goat.
London is full of amazing things.
OK, bye.
(SLURPS) Ahh! (SLURPS) Ahh! - Is something wrong, brother? - Don't touch my beer.
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride Nobody gonna slow me down Oh, no, I got to keep on moving Ain't nothing gonna break-a my stride I'm running and I won't touch down (BLOWS SOFTLY) Mm.
Mm! - Er Mm! - Bagpipes.
- Mm! - They're for Melissa's party tomorrow.
Oh, sorry.
(SMACKS LIPS) I'll make some more.
Huh! What are they? Do you think your dad might wear his uniform? Bagpipes.
There's a teeny-tiny chance that my parents (SIGHS) - might not make it.
- How teeny-tiny? - They're not coming.
- (SIGHS CROSSLY) I knew it.
Kirst.
You know, I send them letters, photos of the kids.
And what do they get back? A Laura Ashley voucher each.
Yeah, but they do have some smashing fabrics.
Do you think it's because Melissa's - Well, you know.
- No, my parents aren't racist.
(SCOFFS) Well No, I mean, course they aren't.
- I mean, so what if they're not coming.
- (SIGHS) - Er! - Get off! Give it.
Everyone knows it's not a free bar, right? Stop it.
Huh? No free bar? Don't you start.
I've got enough grief at home for my parents not coming.
What did you say? And then tomorrow morning will be spent balling melons and putting walnuts on things.
I don't know.
I'm no good at the party stuff.
I am.
Decorations, buffets.
Check lists.
I love it.
Well, fancy swapping places? Great idea, Bagpipes! I would be honoured.
So let me get this straight.
Your parents are not coming to your daughter's adoption party? Yeah, but it's fine.
We're not really a spending-time-together sort of family.
- When was the last time you saw them? - Oh, I don't know.
Um, it was about three, four four, five um years ago.
You haven't seen your parents in five years? It's a 45-minute drive, Walter, an hour in traffic.
Hell, Baggy.
If you were my son, I would beat you with my belt.
Uhh! Rajesh, can you believe it? He hasn't seen his parents in five years.
(SCOFFS) My God.
- Would that happen with your daddy? - Of course not.
Hm.
Living with daddy in his home, with all his belongings, is a gift.
And once Rani and I are blessed with children, children who will also learn, not to touch anything in the living room, especially his porcelain dog collection, he will be a wonderful source of er knowledge.
(CLEARS THROAT) Until then TISWAS THEME SONG Saturday, Saturday (CHUCKLES) It's the weekend.
The cleaning fairies have a day off.
Well, the demon that makes a mess in my flat works every day, - sometimes when I sleep.
Yeesh.
- And so he's taking a shift here? Tidy your bowl! After this very good programme, sister.
- Now! - (CHUCKLES) 'Ey! That's so unfair.
I was watching this.
Look where your face fit but don't waste any flakes.
Kobna, you are not wearing this.
It's an adoption party not a Beastly Boy video.
- But I'm not going to the party.
- Ha, ha, ha! Yes, you are.
But everyone's going to be at the youth club, Barney, Dale (MUMBLES) Kerry.
Kobna, you are not bringing shame on this family.
- Watchy.
You are going.
- But that's so unfair! - Boy! - Hey, hey! Who are you to speak to your mother like this, house boy? You will come to this party and make your parents proud.
And to make sure you don't sneak away, you will come with me now while I get some DJ equipment.
Go now! Lucky bobo.
Pee-pee face.
- Sh - 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey! Don't not worry, sister.
He will be there.
'Ey, your hair looks nice today.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Kobna! Latch up your lip.
Wait for me.
- I said wait for me! - (DOOR CLOSES) Frank, do you ever clean these tables? - When they need it.
- (SIGHS) This is from last year.
(CHUCKLES) We need to get this place cleaned up.
Then put the ashtrays out.
But not the pub ones.
Scallop shells.
Classy.
Then we'll make that punch you made at Sheila's wake, the one with the bits.
- The one I dropped the peanuts in? - Yeah, like it.
Then decorations up, put the buffet out, collect the cake.
We can pay Gary at the bakers with these.
- Hey, Baggy.
- Huh? I've been thinking about you and your parents all night.
Listen.
If we leave now, we can go, speak to them - and come back before the party starts.
- No.
- Walter, it's not a good idea.
- The Cortina is outside.
- No, he's got to ball these melons.
- Ball the melons and pick up the cake and do the decorations and pick up the cake.
Baggy.
All right, if you insist.
But I'm not chipping in for the petrol.
- But I need you to help me with this.
- Don't worry, - the cavalry has arrived, madam.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - (IMITATES FANFARE) - Stop it.
- Which way to the kitchen, please? - Oh, just through This way.
I missed wrestling for this? (CHATS SOFTLY) (CLEARS THROAT) My daddy.
So, what happened with your parents, huh, five years ago? Well, Melissa happened.
Yeah.
Since she was born they've been a bit funny.
Funny? How? How do you mean funny? Well, I'm starting to think that my parents Well, there's a chance that they might be a little bit (COUGHS) .
.
racist.
- Don't like black people? - Look Yeah, no, I understand.
I see.
You know, I told you this was a bad idea.
- No, listen, it's fine.
- They'll like you, Walter.
Oh? I mean, you can charm the birds out of the trees.
(CHUCKLES) As long as the birds ain't - (BOTH COUGH) .
.
racist.
- Racist, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) THE CURE: In Between Days - Oh, is it me or is it hot? - It's never bloody hot in this country.
(DOORBELL) (SIGHS) Did I mention my dad's a trained sniper? (SNIGGERS) Baggy (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Well, look who it is.
Oh! Welcome home, Terence.
So, where is this DJ equipment then? In the back of the van.
Huh? Well, why are we here? Because you are going to invite your Kerry and ask her to the party.
- Yeah, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) - Really? Yes, but don't take long otherwise your mama will make my life very bad.
You remember the time she threw the cups at me? It almost hit my head.
Hey, er do you know what to say to her? No! Help me, please! OK, OK.
Don't worry.
Uncle Vali has got this.
OK, OK, er, I will be your Kerry, huh? Hm? (GIRLY VOICE) Mm! Hello, Kobna.
How are you today? OK, this is weird.
All right.
How about (DEEP VOICE) .
.
I do this voice then? That's even worse.
Oh, just ask me to the party, house boy.
Come on.
OK, er Do you want to go to the party? No, no, no, not like this.
Compliment me.
How do I smell? (SNIFFS DEEPLY) - Mm, you smell nice.
- Ooh, cheeky.
- Thank you.
- Did you have a bath this mor - Oh, this is stupid.
- (LAUGHS) OK, OK.
OK, OK.
Ah, I can see that these skills are too advanced for a house boy of your age.
Just go in there and be yourself.
Kobna, you are a nice young man - and she will see that.
Huh? - All right.
(SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC) I'll make tea.
We haven't got anything exotic, I'm afraid.
OK.
Are you all right? No, I'm not all right.
Your racist dad has a gun.
- Yeah, but he's just put it down.
- That doesn't make me feel better.
Kettle's on.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Would you like me to see if next door have a can of Lilt? Oh, I see you got the invitation.
Oh, yes! (CHUCKLES) An adoption party! (CHUCKLES) How um modern.
Anything you want to say, Bagpipes? No.
Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you've got a lovely place.
- It's like Hamleys.
- (ANGRILY) So glad you like it! Fancy a quick tour? Take you to the bedroom and stick with my wife an' all.
Get the full Delacroix set.
What? You must be joking, man.
I mean, you're lovely, you're very beautiful, but That your modus operandi, is it? Woo them with sweet talk? And get them up the spouts! Er Take care of yourself, Dorothy.
Wh Er I don't know what you think but er Well, hold on.
- He's not Melissa's father.
- I'm not Melissa's father.
No.
Unless there's something you're not telling me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) - Now's not the time.
- Yeah.
No.
- This is Walter.
From Sierra Leone.
- Mm-hm.
(TUTS AND SIGHS) Oh.
Oh, I do apologise, Walter.
That is no way to treat a guest to our home.
It's no way to treat a guest from another country, for that matter.
Er, so, um (CLEARS THROAT) .
.
the the party.
Er, yes.
Er, well, unfortunately, Malcolm has to go to um er Folkestone Hospital.
.
.
Folkestone Hospital that day - to have his knee - Hearing aid.
Fixed.
Damn thing.
Ouch.
The party's today.
Why the bloody hell aren't the decorations up? - Why aren't the directions up? - I don't do heights.
- He doesn't do heights.
- It's only 9ft.
Well, it's only 9ft.
- Let you do it, man.
- Let you do it, man.
BOTH: Shut up.
OK, so the left one needs to go up a bit and you need at least two or three over the other um the other um Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Maybe four.
Four.
- Don't poke it.
- Why? No.
Dean, no looking.
Can I have six packets of nuts, please? (SNIFFS) Mm! You smell.
- Nice! You smell nice.
- (CHUCKLES) OK.
- Wanna get me another coke? - No.
Oh.
Sorry.
I mean, I can't.
I have to get back for this family party.
- Boring.
- Yeah.
Really boring.
Apart from the music.
And the food.
- Mum's made fish balls.
They're wicked.
- Ah.
- I didn't know fish had balls.
- (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) (CHUCKLES) - Good one! - Are you all right? My uncle told me to laugh at your jokes, especially the bad ones.
Oh, shit.
So are we going to this party then or what? Eh? You wanna come? All right, calm down.
It's not like I've kissed you yet.
Time is over.
You need to get in my van now.
Argh! Stranger danger! What is this? 'Ey, Kobna, what did you say to her? STEVE MILLER BAND: Abracadabra Oh, that's just reminded me.
Can you pick up a box of Shrimpy Snacks from Valentine's? - What is Shrimpy Snacks? - Like, er, fishy breakfast cereal.
(GRUNTS) Do not smell them.
Er, Mr - Daddy.
- Daddy.
(SPEAKS SLOWLY) Would you mind putting out the food that I've prepared? - Please? - (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) He says er he can't wait to try it all.
Aw.
Yum.
(CHUCKLES) Aw! (CLEARS THROAT) That is very nice.
Oh, thank you.
That's one of mine.
Mm.
- The model was nude.
- Well, as is the custom.
But I popped a twinset on her.
I can't have all that gawping down at me when I'm trying to watch The Equalizer.
Right, I've had enough of this.
- I'll see you in five years.
- Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't leave, man.
Look at them.
They're not young.
They might die.
We can hear you, you know.
I'm sorry.
You know, when my father was ill, I had just moved to England from Sierra Leone and my mother didn't tell me how bad it was.
So I said, "I'm gonna go back and see him.
" I just wanted to make some money and settle in, you know? And the next time I saw him, well, - it was his funeral.
- (GASPS SOFTLY) Oh.
I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I would do anything to speak to him again.
And you are lucky, Bagpipes.
You are here.
You should speak before .
.
you know.
I think what Walter's trying to say is when did you two become such racists?! Eh? What? No, I'm not trying to say that.
I never had you down as racist.
A bit xenophobic towards the French, maybe, who isn't, but racist? Don't be silly.
Ever since Melissa's been born, you've had nothing to do with us.
Just because she's You know, she's - Half Yeah Half Mixed.
- Not You know, not white.
Darling! That's not the reason.
We've got no axe to grind against Melissa.
No, it It's Kirsty, love.
She's Well, she's Well, she she's a slut! (COUGHS AND CLEARS THROAT) - Would you mind leaving us a moment? - Yeah, of course.
I'll leave you to it.
Hm.
What are these Shrimpy Snacks, huh? Hey, Valentine, this place is a mess.
Agnes, you will not organise his kitchen.
(FRUSTRATED GROAN) Valentine.
How can you live like this, huh? (SIGHS) I don't believe it.
Look what you have done to my top.
This is my lucky top.
Now I'm going to be late.
What will your daddy say? (SIGHS) We just couldn't stand seeing you with that sort of woman.
We did worry when you got married.
She seemed so young.
(SIGHS) Never trust anyone under 40.
But she seemed a lovely wife and mother until - The event.
- What? Making you raise another man's child.
(SIGHS) I couldn't watch you going through that sort of humiliation.
But I wasn't humiliated.
Well, you should bloody well have been, son.
(SIGHS) OK, well yeah, I was when Melissa was tiny.
Yeah.
I definitely hated Kirsty for a while.
I nearly left once.
Well, why didn't you say something? Well, it's not the sort of thing you talk about, is it? "How was your Christmas?" "Oh, great.
New pair of socks.
Walked out on my family.
Broke my kids' hearts.
So, a mixed bag.
" But then I saw 'em on the sofa and Kirsty with a silly bloody grin on her face and the kids all cuddled up, all laughing watching The Two Ronnies.
I thought, I can't say, "It's goodbye from me.
" You know? I couldn't do it to 'em, no matter how shitty it made me feel.
Melissa's my little girl.
She's beautiful.
She makes me so so happy.
(SIGHS) If the cost of having her in my life is some meaningless bunk-up from five years ago, that's a price worth paying, isn't it? (SNIFFS TEARFULLY) Yeah.
That little girl deserves to have her granny and her grandad at her party.
(SIGHS) So .
.
are you coming or what? - Stop moving the food! - You call this food? I wouldn't feed it to my enemies.
Which one? There are so many to choose from.
- (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - No, don't say this to me.
Er, right, everyone.
- (HEATED CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE) - Hello, everyone.
Oi! This sodding party starts in ten sodding minutes.
So, I want you lot to do exactly as I say or else.
Understand? - Er - Don't you dare.
DEPECHE MODE: Just Can't Get Enough All right.
Respect.
- Should we put it? - Yeah, yeah.
(SNIFFS AND GAGS) (HUMS TO HIMSELF) Wait.
Oye.
The cleaning fairies? Ahh.
Hey hey! I just can't get enough I just can't get enough Hello.
Now, I want to introduce you to Granny and Grandad.
- Isn't she lovely? - Hello.
Mmm! Look at the way she's flirting with Kobna.
- Aggie, leave this boy.
- But Walter No, no.
There's nothing you can do.
Listen, a fishing pool is for fishing.
(CHUCKLES) Hey! Thank you, sister.
My flat is looking very amazing, eh? I don't know what you're talking about.
(SNIGGERS) She's joking, right? Oh, it's a lovely do, Kirsty.
Come and do our next regimental reunion and karaoke night.
I'll show you my Shakin' Stevens.
No-one wants to see you shaking anything, Malcolm.
What, so do this? For money? - What else? - Oh, my God.
Well, that's it.
Bagpipes, that's what I'm gonna do.
- I'm gonna start my own business.
- Eh? (CHUCKLES) (MUTTERS) Oh, shit.
(CHUCKLES) - Where would they be without you, eh? - Essex.
(LAUGHS) 'Ey, look at the house boy.
(CHUCKLES) But you know what? - I miss my mama.
- Oh, me too, brother.
Hey.
Me too, man.
'Ey.
- (RECORD SCRATCHES) - SISTER SLEDGE: We are family (BOTH CHEER) I got all my sisters with me Hey, hey, 'up.
Hey, 'up.
- We are family - Pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
Hey! Pass the ball.
Get up, everybody, and sing We are family I got all my sisters with me Pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
Pass the ball.
We are family Get up, everybody, and sing We are family