In the Long Run (2018) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Mary's boy child Jesus Christ Was born on Christmas Day And man will live for evermore Because of Christmas Day "Dear Walter.
Merry Christmas from Sierra Leone.
Is the nativity scene your grandfather made on display?" Of course, Mama.
It's been our pride and joy every Christmas for 13 years.
"I hope you are having a wonderful time eating figgy pudding and watching the Queen's speech.
" - Eating what? - What is figgy pudding? I don't know.
I'm not eating that.
- Oh, what is going on? - (MUSIC SLOWS) - Did you touch it? - "Speaking of the Queen, "can you send me a £10 note so I can see Her Majesty's latest hairstyle?" - Tell her it's the same as the £5 note.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh.
What is going on? This bloody thing.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) - (SCREAMS) Oh! Wow.
You think I put one too many plugs there? I told you, this is a hazard.
- It's not.
- It is a hazard.
- I've done this many times.
- There's about 123 plugs in one socket.
It's a fuse.
Bagpipes! It's quite a technical consumer unit, this.
Luckily, I'm an expert.
(ALL CHEER) Thank you.
Blimey! Are you trying to signal the three wise men? - It's like Danny La Rue's shed in here.
- I think it's lovely! - Thank you.
- Old Scrooge Delacroix over there there won't even shell out for a tree.
- I got a tree! - More of a branch.
Are you coming to the party? Huh? Walter is cooking.
Sierra Leonean feast.
- Hm! - Oh! You hear that, love? While you're inhaling cheese, Walter will be sweating away in the kitchen.
Oi! I do my bit.
- Yeah, your bit to dent the sofa! - No, actually, I just told Walter that I'm gonna be bringing some food round to the party, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes, I'm gonna be bringing round a a smorgasbord of traditional British, er, grub.
- What is a smorgasbord? - Well, it's like, it's, er, Swedish.
Er, it's basically, like, the sort of Volvo of buffets.
Er, it's very practical, erm, but British.
- What? - Anyway, so when's the party again? Tomorrow.
- Christmas Eve! (LAUGHS) - Oh, shit.
What, you not ready? (ALL LAUGH) - It's got Oh, dear! - Oi! Rocking around the Christmas tree At the Christmas party hop Mistletoe hung where you can see Can you believe the Forestry Commission just gave that away? Yes! Oh, can't we just get a fake one? No! With a fake one, you don't get the pine scent, do you? That little bit of Norway in your living room.
Get a fake one and sprinkle Shake n' Vac on it.
It'd be pine fresh and it'd look like snow.
That is actually brilliant.
Hold on, why is he wearing school uniform? I've got a plan with Kobna.
We've gotta look smart.
Singing let's be jolly Deck the halls with bows Oi, Dean, why do I need the uniform? Cos you and I are going carol singing.
- Isn't that a little kid's thing? - No, it's a money-making thing.
Christine Hollis at school told me her cousin did it and bought a car with the money.
Yeah, all right.
You calling Christine Hollis a liar? Well, she did say Boy George was her dad.
- Don't come, then.
- Wait, wait.
- Did you say big money? - Mm-hm.
I guess we'll go carol singing, then.
Old Elsie is always in.
Just remember to smile and look cute.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) BOTH: We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas - We wish, er, and a happy New Year - Happy - Merry Christmas.
- Can we have money, please? Maybe she's an atheist.
- (BOTH) God rest ye merry gentlemen - (DOG BARKS) Let nothing you dismay No! Hey! Is the pub doing breakfast now, Vic? (CHUCKLES) A little favour from Frank.
I'm off to the cemetery now to give Sheila a little, er, Christmas drink.
- Wouldn't a bottle be easier, mate? - She only likes draught.
Here, Vic, erm, if you need a spot of company, our door's always open.
I mean, not literally.
We like to keep our telly.
But, you know, the bell works.
- Are you doing tripe? - Er, no.
I'll have to think about that, then.
Hey, I must go.
I have to work, huh? - Working Christmas Eve? Bad luck, mate.
- Mm.
I need the money for Kobna's very special present.
Well, you do what you have to when money's tight, don't you? KIDS: Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Hey! Welcome! Welcome! Ah! Uncle! All of those stairs to get here.
Ooh, my feet! - Oh, do you still have your foot spa, Agnes? - No.
Somebody borrowed it, I think.
Oh! It's very, very relaxing.
- Perhaps Kobna can go and fetch it.
- Hello! (HUMS) There we go.
Oh, no.
How's your smorgasbord getting on? - You want me to take over? - No.
A Delacroix never, ever, ever gives up.
Well, not always.
There's too much flour in here.
Why didn't you use a mixer, eh? Look, Kirsty, it's all under control, all right? Je suis la galloping gourmet.
- (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS) - Hey! That's what I'm saying! Oh! Oh! Hey! Look at them! A-ha! Hey, welcome, my daughter! Come and sit down! Yes! Are you sure you are only seven months, eh? You are big! Yes! I carry a lot of fluid.
You take after your father.
The Lord has seen fit to provide refreshment.
Who am I to deny him? (ALL LAUGH) Pregnancy, dear, easy.
Now, the childbirth, though, oh! - These days, I wee when I laugh.
- Hey! - And the piles! Ooh! - Come and help me clear these glasses! Am I lying? (SCREECHES) My back.
(SQUEALS) I told you.
(ALL LAUGH) Empty glasses are forbidden in this house.
A-ha, thank you, sister Joy.
- (CLATTERING) - Hey! Aggie, make sure your family don't scatter my house before my brother comes.
Leave my family! I'm sorry, Walter, I mistook your display for a stool and You broke my Jesus? Mary, Jesus and Joseph! - Hey, hey, no blaspheming, my boy! - No, you broke Mary, Jesus and Joseph! I did not mean to.
You should not put it on the stool.
Whose family? Hm? I don't know him.
(KIDS SCREAM) OK, who's next to see Santa, please? I said who's next? Agh! Hey, hey, hey! Maybe they will steal your presents, even your birthday.
(SCREAMS) Oh, no, no, no, little boy! Please don't tell Santa on me.
I need the money too much, yeah? It's OK, Santa, I've got this under control.
Why you pulling me so hard? Calm down.
It's Christmas.
Hey.
How did it go today, my boys? - Are you OK, darling? - Yeah.
- You're not gonna - No, it's just a kick.
- Got Ian Rush in here.
- (LAUGHS) That's better.
Of course you didn't make any money, dressed like Eskimos and your (SINGING) La-la-la English way.
You need to have a little shimmy, hm? Mm.
Mm! Make the song your own.
Jingle bells (TAPS BELL) Jingle bells - Jingle all de way - No, no, no, no.
- Like this.
Go lower.
- Oh, what fun it is to ride - (CHEERS) - (HE TAPS REGGAE RHYTHM) ALL: Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is This is the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen.
But they might be onto something, you know? ALL: Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way - Oh, what fun It is to ride - Oh, what fun Sleigh bells jing-a-ling, ring-ting-ting-a-ling, too Valentine? (LAUGHS) You turned down a job at the factory for this? - This was your dream? - This is a nightmare.
What are you doing here? Oh, er, my wife thought it would be an idea to, er, buy each other presents.
Like the English.
For fun.
Ah! And what have you bought your lucky lady? Huh? Oh.
Ta-da! Four table mats.
Easy-wipe, of course.
Er, we only need three for now, but one day, we could be joined by, uh, a little one.
Or little ones! Maybe I should've bought some more! Mr Rajesh, if you want to make some children, I don't think tables mats are going to help.
But I do know something that will.
(CHUCKLES) Santa, baby, slip a sable Hello, madam.
Ooh, yes, yes, Mr Rajesh.
There is definitely something here that will give you a very Merry Christmas.
- I'm Hindu.
- Merry Diwali, then.
Excuse me.
Can I have these, please? Please, Valentine.
Oh, God! Valentine! Please! - Are you still there? - Shh! You are making a scene.
And that is a bad thing for two men to do in a lingerie shop, especially when one of them is wearing tights.
Look, just don't leave me here alone, OK, when you go back to work.
Hey, I'm not going back.
Those devil children have broken wind on Valentine for the last time.
- Kobna will go without a present.
- What? You dragged me here, a place where I can't open my eyes without seeing a lady's privacy, yet you will not put up with two hours of indignity for your nephew? No, but you don't understand.
Those bastards Rajesh's law.
You have a family, my friend.
And to have a family is to suffer.
(CHUCKLES) Now, you go back and make money for his present, huh? A-ha! Look! What about this, huh? (CHUCKLES) Huh? Sexy! (CHUCKLES) And very practical.
- She might be a bit hot, huh? - We'll open a window.
(ALL CHEER AND LAUGH) (ALL LAUGH) - Oh! I need to go to the toilet! - Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! You OK? You having a good time? I'm just gluing this before Vale gets back.
Ohhh.
It's not that bad.
I mean, you can hardly see the crack actually.
When you look at it close Walter I'm having the baby! Er, this is a job for a woman.
- (PANTS) - I'll be right back.
Aggie! Beatrice, my dear, are sure you're only seven months pregnant? - No.
- Huh.
More like nine months? Hey! You were pregnant at your wedding! Shit! Does your daddy know? - No! And don't you dare tell him! - We had the same thing with our Dean.
Hey! Hey! Ohhh! Your waters have broken! Ohh! You're going to have the baby right here.
Ohh! - What is happening? - Her waters have broken.
- Her waters have broken? - Her waters have broken.
- She's in labour.
- She's in labour! I'm sure the Lord will take it in hand.
- I-I will pray for you.
- But stay close by.
Where is Walter? Agh! Agh! (BOTH SCREAM AND GROAN) (MUFFLED SCREAMS) I like what you have done to this room, Walter.
- Er, what's the colour? - Oh, this is, er, magnolia.
Ah.
Is that gloss down there? On the skirting, yeah, it's gloss.
In fact, I've got some left in the cupboard in the hall, if you want it.
That would look nice in your dining room, Godfearing.
I can't think about skirting boards, Akie.
A Christmas miracle is occurring.
What can you hear, Walter? (MUFFLED VOICES) Chatting.
- Even in childbirth, women cannot stop chatting.
- (ALL LAUGH) - Hey! What are you all doing in here? - Well, you said stay close.
Walter, do you know where Kobna's old paddling pool is? The paddling pool is in the cupboard in the hallway.
What is happening out there? Is it tidy? Walter, Beatrice is having a baby.
OK, well, tell her not to make a mess.
If she's going to the hall cupboard, maybe she can bring the magnolia gloss paint, hey? (MUFFLED GROANING) Let me ask later.
Oh, bollocks.
I've stuck Joseph's head to my finger.
Come now, Valentine, you can do this, eh? Just think about the money.
(GROANS) Hey! - (GROANS) - Ooh.
You want to try my hat on? OK.
It's Christmas, eh? (VOMITS) - (GROANS) - Hey, what did you have for breakfast? I've brought tripe.
Oh.
Well let the party begin.
There you go, Vic.
There's a drink for you.
There you go.
Make yourself comfy.
Just turn the telly on.
- What are you up to? - We need these for carol singing.
Oh.
Obvious, really.
I wonder if old Delia whatshername's on.
Her stuffing recipe's the dog's bollocks, I'll tell you.
Well, makes a change from sage and onion, I suppose.
Oi, her stuffing recipe? Vic, can you cook? Who do you think's been feeding me for the last six months? Don't just sit there, you lazy old sod, get in the kitchen.
There's work to be done.
Ready? BOTH: Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh (BEATBOXES) Kobna! Dean! Now, gather round, people, don't delay For Christmas carols the African way He's Dean Delacroix, make your dream come true - No, it won't be Sam Fox - That was too blue The only jingle you wanna hear BOTH: Is the cash in your pockets falling in there Kobna's here to make this merry and bright And to prove that Christmas don't have to be white (APPLAUSE) OK, next one to see Santa.
Hey, pee-pee face, are you coming? There are many children waiting.
You are not special.
Sorry.
I've just I've never seen an elf that looked like me before.
OK, my little people, let's have some serious fun! It's Christmas! Hey! Hey! Hey! (GROANS) (SQUEALS) Whoo! - Are you sure about this? - Yeah.
That there, that is a lady's mixer.
But this this is man's cooking.
Oh, thank you, thank you! Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Oh! Thank you so much! Hold on.
Where's my egg wash? I know you're closed.
Please, open up! I need to return this! Hello! Come back! (FARTING AND MUFFLED GROANING) (SNIFFS) - For God's sake, Akie! - It wasn't me! - Did you poo your pants? - It was him! - Don't look at me! - I'm not staying here! Jesus! (GROANS) You are doing really well.
Hey, hey, it's nearly there.
Aggie, what's happening? Ohhh.
I was just looking for the bathroom.
Hey! Merry Christ in heaven! The baby is coming.
This is what happens when you don't buy table mats.
(GROANS) Ah! - It's a boy! - (ALL CHEER) (MEN CLAP) - And look, the three wise men.
- (ALL CHUCKLE) All we need now is a couple of shepherds.
Did somebody say shepherd's pie? Here I come! Bloody hell fire.
Ahh, look at the balls on that little 'un, eh? (BABY CRIES) Snow is falling All around me Children playing Having fun It's the season Love and understanding Merry Christmas Everyone Merry Christmas Everyone - Sausage roll? - No, thank you.
All right.
- Sausage roll? - Ah, no, no, no, no.
- But I would like some more of your tripe, please.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Can I open my present now? - Shhh! What is it? Record decks! My own record decks! - Thank you, Uncle Vale.
- I hope you bought him some headphones.
These are wicked! I'm gonna be a DJ! - (PHONE RINGS) - Who is that calling? Everybody I love is at home.
Except for my ma, of course.
- Hello? - Merry Christmas, Walter! Hey, merry Christmas, Mama! (ALL CHEER) We are all here! We are all here! Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Oh, you wanna talk to Kobna? OK.
Come.
It's your grandma.
Hey! Let me see this baby now.
I'm gonna find that girl Merry Christmas to you, too! Underneath the mistletoe and kiss by candlelight Room is swaying Records playing All the old songs we love to hear Oh, I wish that Every day was Christmas What a nice way To spend the year Whoo, yeah!