Insert Name Here (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, you, and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where, each week, we chew over a group of people united by one simple thing - their name.
Joining me are six people who've brought some of the loveliest names I've ever heard.
Please welcome, Jennifer Saunders, Suzannah Lipscomb and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe, and over on the other side, Romesh Ranganathan, Jessica Hynes and their captain, Richard Osman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, tonight's name is one that's on everyone lips.
It's the name of our future queen, the name of the biggest pop star in the world and it almost sounds like cake.
Mmm! Cake.
Tonight's name is Kate.
Ahhh! So I'm going to be testing the panellists' knowledge of all things Kate and, just to be clear, we are going to include Catherines, Katies and even the odd Cat, so who might be coming up on tonight's show? Well, we've got models, actresses, princesses, a complete Burke and a massive arse.
The teams have to try and win as many Kates as they can.
At the end of the show, the winning team gets the honour of deciding who's officially the best Kate of all time.
So, Jennifer, do you know any Kates? Well, do you know, I thought I didn't, but I looked at my phone on the way here and realised I knew about, actually, everybody on the screen then, apart from Katie Hopkins.
That's a very important "but" there.
I don't really know Kate Middleton, that's the only one I'm pretending to know.
So she's not on your phone? She is, but she She's on your phone?! Of course she's not on my phone, you fool! It's weird, cos I don't know any of them, but I am very good friends with Katie Hopkins.
I can see how you'd bowl along rather merrily, the two of you.
Oh, we are.
Thinking about just doing a double act.
Coffee And Cream.
Which one are you? Now, Suzannah, you're our guest historian.
As our guest historian, are there any weird and wonderful Kates we should know about before we commence? I've got a story, but it's probably really interesting to somebody who's really interested in the 16th century, so just bear with me.
Oh, I am! Oh, yes! Miss, I am, Miss! I am.
Now we're talking.
Settle in, everybody.
Really exciting! We've got geeks everywhere, it's great.
Right.
OK.
Give us your 16th century.
It's Catherine Parr, Henry VIII's sixth wife and it's my favourite of his wives, because she was going to be the third wife to be on the block, there was a coup against her, guards turned up.
The way she got out of it was she very cleverly explained to Henry that he was the husband and lord, he knew everything, and the speech that she gave pretty much is a source for Shakespeare's Taming Of The Shrew.
At the end of Taming Of The Shrew, Katherina, the Kiss Me Kate, gives this speech where she says to her husband, "You're brilliant "and I bow to everything," and that seems to be coming from actual fact, that Catherine Parr said that.
So Shakespeare nicked it, essentially? Yeah.
Shakespeare was good at that.
I've always thought that guy was a fake.
Overrated.
Josh, Richard, in terms of greatest Kates of all time, any early thoughts? I'm hoping she comes up - my sister, Kate.
Sweet.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Just your sister doesn't qualify here.
I'm sorry, Josh.
What? Really? I'll go with Kate Bush, then.
Richard, how about you? Kate Humble from Autumnwatch.
No, she's a proper Kate.
Kate Humble is everything a Kate should be.
She looks like a Kate, she's sweet, she's clever, she's efficient.
Lovely curly hair.
Do you think Kate Humble as well, Jennifer? She does as well.
JOSH: No, you're on my team! Go with my sister! RICHARD: Don't say, "Go with my sister.
" I know you're from Devon, mate.
Let's get on with the show.
It's time to pick a Kate.
Four categories each concealing four very different Kates.
Richard, who would you like out of this lot? You've got a Royal Kate What do we think? Go with your instinct.
Go on, Richard.
Shall we go Super Kate? OK, fine.
Great.
Why not? OK.
You have picked Super Kate and chosen fast-living supermodel Kate Moss.
Yes! Let's have a look at her stats.
AUDIENCE GROANS Whoa! I said that would get that reaction.
Whoa, Sue! That's not cool, man.
Surely the most successful British model of all time, appearing on the cover of Vogue over 300 times, beating me by over 300 times.
What is the secret of Kate Moss's beauty regime? Is it those two cucumbers? You know, those two cucumbers? Not the two cucumbers.
We've moved on, we've moved on.
We've moved on from Jackie magazine in the '70s.
Do you not do the two cucumbers? Josh, it's two courgettes now.
And some kale.
Some quinoa down the nose.
She was having an ice water facial, which is basically sticking your head in a bucket of ice water.
As far as Kate Moss is concerned, Guantanamo's just a spa.
There are lots of stories attached to Kate's partying.
Moss's friend, Jess Hallett, recounted, "One night in South Africa, I remember phoning downstairs "and saying, 'Can we have an alarm call for 7am, please?' "And they said, 'That's in five minutes, madam.
' " When she was dating Johnny Depp, they ordered their hotel room bath to be filled with champagne.
What happened to it? They immediately thought this actually sounded better than it is.
Do you think, if you bathed in it, you'd get drunk by just kind of absorbing it? They didn't get into the bath.
Maybe accidentally it got emptied by somebody who was cleaning the room.
Oh, the chambermaid.
The maid drained the bath.
Amazing.
That maid, what emotional rollercoaster did she go through? Because if she's emptied it, she obviously doesn't know it's champagne, so what did she think it was? You said that she thought they filled the bath with their own fizzy urine? An entire bath? These two have had one hell of a night.
They've filled their bath with their own urine, I'm just going to pull the plug and hope they forget about it.
That's what a good maid does.
If I'd got a bath full of champagne, I'd at least put the "Do Not Disturb" thing outside, wouldn't you? Yes.
You're not Kate Moss and Johnny Depp, though, really and mentally thinking there, are you? They're just rock and roll.
They're not going to go, "Oh, quickly, "because of the champagne bath, Joshie, run back and put " 'Do Not Disturb' on the door, darling, will you?" Can I just double-check that the champagne bath has been arranged for when I've finished the recording? Absolutely! Between 2005 and 2007, Kate was in a relationship with Libertines singer Pete Doherty.
What were Kate and Pete stopped from doing at London Zoo? Oh, no! Not that! They didn't fill a rhino with champagne, did they? Were they trying to make some animal smoke? That is absolutely Well, I'll give you that.
Were they giving monkeys blowbacks? No Sorry, what do you mean by blowbacks? Never has the last syllable of a sentence been so important.
They weren't trying to give monkeys blowbacks, no, but what they were doing, were trying to get the penguins high by flicking hash into the enclosure.
The penguins? No, the penguins weren't flicking it at Kate Moss.
It would be quite hard with no opposable thumbs.
The sad story is that's how Pete Doherty got into it.
He was totally clean and then the penguins got him into it.
It was a gateway drug.
"Hey, Pete, take some of this.
" "Pete, have some of that.
" They don't call me Happy Feet for nothing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, it's time to play for the Kate.
Here she is.
Come on, guys.
What's unusual about the Lucian Freud artwork that Kate Moss owns? She's pregnantin it.
No, she's not pregnant in it.
It's a tattoo! It's a tattoo.
Well done, absolutely right.
It is a tattoo.
Congratulations.
The tattoo was personally inked by Lucian Freud, said to be worth one million quid.
There you go.
It's a pair of swallows.
Chop it off?! If I had a tattoo that was worth a million quid, I'd chop that off straight away.
You'd chop it off your own back?! Yeah! You could sow that up.
A million quid.
Well done, Josh.
You win the Kate.
Congratulations! APPLAUSE Well done.
There you are.
Now, Josh, what would you like to go for? I think we should go Royal Kate, because we've got a historian, the Great Kate? You don't need to whisper because it's not University Challenge.
Oh, OK! I'm very good at University challenge! I think people have worked out it's not University Challenge.
We've got to go Great Kate.
We got to go Great Kate.
Great Kate.
You've chosen Russia's second greatest love machine Empress Catherine the Great.
Let's have a look at her stats.
Oh, well.
None out of three ain't bad.
So, Suzannah, is she the greatest Russian ruler ever, do you think? There's lots of them called the Great, that's kind of common.
There are some better names.
Like what? Well, I quite like Yuri the Long Arms, Dmitri the Dmitri Dmitri's name I've forgotten.
Dmitri It's probably not one of the best ones.
Dmitri the Forgettable, I think.
See, that's it! Catherine the Great was Empress of Russia from 1762 until 1796.
She holds the record at Russia's longest ruling female leader.
She had a number of palaces, Catherine.
The Winter Palace, St Petersburg, was the largest, thought to have had over 1,000 rooms.
Thatch.
Which palace was it? This was the Winter Palace.
I've been there, I've been there.
The one outside St Petersburg.
I've been there.
Do you remember the roof? I don't remember the roof.
I wasn't on the roof.
You said that very quickly, as if you were definitely on the roof! Was it the style of it? It's not the style, it was something that was on it.
Jennifer Saunders! No.
The answer is she kept cows on it.
They wanted a fresh supply of milk.
Surely 1,000 rooms, Suzannah, has got to be one of the biggest royal palaces of all time? It's pretty big.
Although there's actually one in China that's got 9,000 rooms.
Whoa! So the Winter Palace is tiny by comparison.
When you've got 9,000 rooms, which ones would you double up on first? I reckon three toilets, max.
I'd go all toilets, except for one room.
But what an exciting day when someone came out and you said, "I'm in the sitting room, find me!" Catherine was believed to have had some rather unusual furniture in Gatchina Palace.
What was unusual about the furniture? Was it blow-up? Did she have the first futon? It was erotic in nature.
Did she have what we would call? She had a special chair! There were several special chairs, yes.
Special as in a VERY special chair.
Well, I think they're pretty special.
There are some extraordinary pictures of the furniture.
Here's a lovely table, for example.
There it is.
JOSH: Wow! JENNIFER: Oh, my goodness.
I mean, that WOULD be a talking point.
If I went round to Richard's house, and that was in the sitting-room This would have made the most entertaining episode of Antiques Roadshow ever, by the way.
What do you think she might have referred to that table as? "We're going to have tea on the"? "Cockee table.
" You've got cockee table books.
Cocky, balls and booby table.
I've got a lovely chair for you, as well, while we're at it.
Take a closer look at that.
Oh! JESSICA: Hello! As David Dickinson would say, "A real bobby dazzler.
" That's amazing! You inspired to get any of these pieces to brighten up your bedsit, Josh? What do you reckon? What do you mean by my "bedsit"?! Well, I've got certain images that come to mind when I think of you at home.
You know, bar fire I don't want to hear about your personal life, Sue.
If that chair was available, I would get it.
Would you sit on it? I don't know what I'm meant to say about the chair.
You've gone very high-pitched.
I know! I'm not going to lie to you, I can't wait until I'm back at my bedsit, on my own.
Just the bedsit - that's your only piece of furniture.
Yes! Does that still exist, that chair? Sadly, sadly not.
The contents sort of disappeared after it was looted by the Nazis in the 1940s.
But copies can be made, Josh.
Yeah.
Imagine Imagine if you made that from IKEA and you went, "I've definitely got this wrong.
That can't be right.
" So what did Catherine prescribe as a cure for insomnia? Half an hour on that chair, you'd be out like a light.
It's along those lines.
Having sex six times a day, she thought, was a great cure for insomnia.
You know what? Even if it's not, it's worth a go.
Catherine had an active sex life, with a number of lovers.
Not that you'd guess from this portrait.
Thatis the worst bedhead I have ever seen.
You know when you're on a rollercoaster and the photo gets taken and you're, like, going along and your hair's out? Is that a normal sort of portrait of the era, Suzannah? Yeah, this is the thing.
Don't believe anything the scientists say about there being scientific ideas of judging beauty.
It clearly is determined by when you live in history, what turns you on.
They thought this was REALLY hot.
If I get a time machine, where should I head to? Middle Earth.
APPLAUSE Time to play for the Kate.
Catherine the Great loved all kinds of fun.
What new form of entertainment did she install in one of her St Petersburg palaces? Bowling.
Oh, laser quest! Tennis.
It's snowy.
Skiing! Luge.
Yes, I'm going to give you that.
It was an ice slide.
She had it installed in the grounds of her palaces.
Made out of wood, up to 70 feet in height, 500 feet long, the slides were iced and then thrill-seekers would sit on a block of ice covered in a mat, and travel at speeds in excess of 50mph.
No brakes, just 100% shit yourself.
Oh, that's where that photo of her was taken.
Sorry, can I just say I know that wasn't a photo, before people tweet in? Completely separately, has anyone ever been on You know, like, in a water park, you know, where the slide goes down vertically? Yes.
Yeah, man.
I can't do that.
Why? Because it's! How can you? How does anyone do that? It's just gravity.
Just takes you.
Oh! APPLAUSE Congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Catherine.
RICHARD: Oh, well done.
APPLAUSE So this one's for both teams to play.
Richard, who would you like? We'll go for Royal Kate, please.
Royal Kate.
And you've chosen right royal Catherine Elizabeth Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, and Princess of Middle-class Aspiration.
Let's have a look at her stats.
Kate went to St Andrew's Prep School in Berkshire.
What record What school record does she hold? Best Marryer? No, it's a sporting achievement.
Discus.
No.
Shot.
Hammer.
Not the long jump, the? High jump.
Is the right answer, Jennifer.
Absolutely right.
Thank you so much.
She almost lost the high jump record last summer but, luckily, Royal protection guards were there and able to gun down the rival at the very last minute.
Does anyone here have a school record for anything? We all got awards, my school year, for what you were best at.
But I wasn't good enough at anything.
So they just gave me the Good Egg Award.
AUDIENCE: Aww! For just being an all-round good egg.
For that, I'm going to give you a bonus.
Kat Slater from EastEnders.
That's the most patronising award I've ever seen.
Kat Slater! Pure sympathy.
APPLAUSE Pure sympathy.
Kate married William in April 2011.
Did any of you celebrate the royal wedding? Did any of you do anything? No, I was in Birmingham.
You were probably 12.
Not as "I was probably 12"?! In 2011?! 13? 14? What were you doing in Birmingham? I was doing A project? A school project? Yeah, I was walking around Spaghetti Junction with a clipboard, ticking things off.
AS JOSH: "I'm just noting down what each building is used for "for my geography coursework.
" VAGUELY LIKE JOSH: "Retail.
" HE can do the voice - THAT is not good enough, come on! WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Retail "Warehousing.
" Now, a royal wedding serves two main purposes.
Firstly to ensure the orderly succession of the throne.
And secondly to allow a small amount of tasteful commemorative items to make their way to the shops.
How did General Electric mark the occasion? A 21-bulb salute.
A fridge.
They did a special fridge.
They absolutely did.
Here it is.
Oh! No way.
JENNIFER: Oh! AUDIENCE GASPS JOSH: I tell you what, though, it really does bring my bedsit alive, that fridge.
I wonder how her and William sort of communicate to each other that they're stepping out of line.
When I'm at home with my wife and I say something like, "While you're in the kitchen, can you make me a cup of tea?" She'll go, "Oh, of course, Your Majesty(!)" If they do that to each other, they say, "Yeah, OK.
Sweet.
" Let me share a few of my royal wedding souvenir favourites with you.
Like these royal wedding teabags.
JOSH: Wow.
JENNIFER: Oh, that's horrible, actually, isn't it, when you look at it? What are they bathing in? Yeah, that is disgusting.
Who goes two teabags? That's going to be too strong! Absolute idiots! And the worst thing is, the maid came along and actually tipped it out.
Next up, royal wedding condoms.
There they are.
Not sure what the tag line is.
Presumably, "Someday, my prince will come.
" There was also this commemorative mug from China.
See if you can spot the mistake.
Time now to play for Upper Kate.
Kate's family recently created their very own Middleton coat of arms.
What I want to know is, what is on it? Josh and Richard, if you look under your desk, you'll find you've got a blank shield and some coloured pens.
Give us your best guess as to what is on the heraldic shield.
We've got appropriate music, and the time starts now.
MUSIC: Rule, Britannia! By James Thomson Do you know this? What is it? That's it.
SUE WHISTLES ALONG TO THE MUSIC OK, time is up! Right, Richard, please show us your heraldic shield! That's not a euphemism.
Here's what we've got.
We've got a penguin smoking a spliff there, from Jess.
What are these? They're oars.
We have oars to represent Just to represent oars, really.
We have, from Romesh Somebody wearing a crown.
Royal, for Royal.
And money.
I'm going to take my eyes from that with good reason and let's have a look.
We've got two options.
Yeah.
Jennifer has drawn a coat and some arms.
APPLAUSE Would you like to explain this one? Basically, when they wanted to create one, they had to think of things that the Middletons were interested in.
Apparently they're interested in hills Hills? And outdoor pursuits.
Three acorns, that's the three children.
Red and blue.
Red and blue because they live in England.
UK.
They support Crystal Palace.
Well, let's have a look at the real one, see how close you got.
No surprise to see that yours CHEERING Very good.
Well done! The golden chevron, of course, to represent the family's love of gold and digging.
And LAUGHTER .
.
two white chevrons, there, as you say the hills and mountains, their love of outdoor pursuits.
Basically, Josh's team win the Kate.
Good work! So Time now for our teams to confront the Insert Name Here fruit machine.
It's loaded with all my favourite Kates and our teams must match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary Kate.
So let's spin.
OK, you've got Tom Cruise escapee Katie Holmes, wildlife enthusiast - true Kate - Kate Humble, and professional contrarian Katie Hopkins.
Yes! Which Kate has a pathological fear of hard-boiled eggs? Katie thingy Kate That's not narrowing it down.
That's a point.
Kate, the ex-Tom Cruise Kate.
I think I'm definitely sure it's her.
I just have a sixth sense about it.
So we're building the jeopardy, here.
So we know for a fact that it is Katie Holmes.
JOSH: So let's come to us for our answer.
I'm going to go with It's not Kate Humble, she's the perfect Kate, so Yeah, she's not going to be She'd have to eat eggs for her job.
She has to eat eggs for her job! That's what she does.
I've watched Springwatch, she goes up trees, goes into the nests with a frying pan JOSH: That's how she identifies the breed of the bird.
Starling, I think! Well, unless she doesn't like to see them boiled.
Oh, yeah.
It's only hard-boiled eggs.
At what point during the boiling process does she start freaking out? I would say six minutes.
That is Hopkins at 5.
59.
She's weird, she's weird.
We'll go Hopkins.
It is actually Kate Humble! Yeah, Kate Humble, quintessential Kate, loves an omelette but states, "I have a pathological fear of hard-boiled eggs.
" It's right up there, apparently, with her pathological fear of Bill Oddie.
Nobody wins the Kate there, let's spin again.
OK, you've got Henry VIII's wife number one, Catherine of Aragon, the best singer in the world, absolutely ever, Kate Bush, and head of the mighty Kardashian clan Caitlin Jenner.
Which of these Kates owned a pet monkey? Josh's team.
I do know this! Oh, you do? Let's talk it through first.
So, Kate Bush, what is it, had a pet Maybe Kate Bush had a pet monkey as well.
You're saying as well, which means you know, you know that Catherine of Aragon had a pet monkey.
Yeah.
Yes, well, there we go.
I I was going to talk it through for dramatic effect, but we've decided against that.
Why do that? Why have jokes when you can just have statements? Can I just say, I have a sixth sense that it's Catherine of Aragon.
RICHARD: I know Suzannah thinks it's Catherine of Aragon, but I have news for her - monkeys didn't exist.
They were invented in The 1950s.
Yeah, the 1950s, by Coca-Cola.
Everybody knows that! Kate Bush seems like she would have a monkey, right? Are you tending towards Kate Bush? As always in life, Kate Bush is usually the answer.
But I don't want to It's not a pet monkey, though, it's a monkey that can come and go as it pleases.
Yes, exactly.
So you're saying Kate Bush.
We're going to go with With the right answer, with Catherine of Aragon.
And in many ways you were right to go with the right answer, because it's the right answer! We have evidence that monkeys were invented before 1950 by the Coca-Cola Company, and there it is.
She certainly looks enraptured by her pet(!) ROMESH: Right, that looks like the monkey is a lot more into the relationship than she is.
Actually, this picture is really cool because it actually has a message behind it as well, because what the monkey is supposed to be reaching for, you can't see it, is actually not her breast but her crucifix.
And she's holding a coin in her hand.
Normally the monkey would go for the coin, and he's going for the crucifix.
So it's church over money.
But also it's church over guess who's on the other side of the coin Henry VIII! Henry VIII! Political monkey! And so, basically, this picture is a massive sort of middle finger up.
This is like 3-2-1, isn't it? Loving that! And you win the Kate, congratulations.
Good fact! Strong fact.
OK, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
I'll start by reading out a Kate-based nugget.
You buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
First up, European heavyweight Catherine I of Russia.
Yes, Richard? To close her Tinder account.
Nope.
Did he do You know that thing where if your parents catch you with a cigarette and then they make you smoke the whole pack? Did he make her sleep with all of the Russians All of Russia?! .
.
so that she was like put off them forever? No, she did have to sleep beside something.
Did he make her sleep on the roof beside the cows? No, this is Catherine I of Russia.
Same thing, Sue.
No, forced her to sleep beside Happy days! Peter the Great had his wife's lover killed and his head chopped off and placed in a large jar of alcohol.
Peter insisted that the jar remain on Catherine's bedside table as a reminder of her adultery.
Even worse, if you just reach for that sip of water in the night It wasn't in the alcohol for long, though, because the housekeeper came and poured it away.
Sadly, no Kate won there.
We go onto the next one.
Next, Oscar-winning Aussie Cate Blanchett.
Did he say that, "Well, you know, me and the Queen, we're together, "but it's a kind of open relationship"? He asked her how to fix something.
RICHARD: Oh, the 1998 Cup final! Think electrical item.
Yeah? Toaster! Oh, no.
Was it his Kate and William fridge? No, he asked her how to fix his DVD player.
2008, Kate was introduced to Prince Philip as someone who worked in film.
LAUGHTER He asked her, "There's a cord sticking out the back of my DVD player, "might you tell me where it goes?" Nice, however, to see Philip being muddled rather than racist, though.
Sadly nobody wins the Kate, but one more from Cate Blanchett.
Cate Blanchett named her third child Romesh? With very little care, because you don't care by the third.
She named her third child Ignatius.
There you go, what did I tell you? Where did she get the name from? I think I know the answer to that.
I know it's boring.
I imagine it's from Confederacy Of Dunces, is it, the book? It's from the children's book Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants .
.
which I'm sure you have on your bookshelf! I read all of the Captain Underpants books with my kids when they were little.
Did you? Yeah, they're a perfectly good read.
I don't remember Ignatius.
I wish I did, I would've just won a Kate and my kids would've paid off, finally.
You should never, ever choose names from kids' books, as I was saying to my niece, Usborne Book Of Train Facts.
So, we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that our winners tonight with the most Kates areJosh's team! Congratulations.
CHEERING Whoa, came back there! Good work.
Josh, this is the moment This is your moment.
Oh, look how happy Jennifer looks.
You're delighted! I'm so delighted.
JOSH: So, do we now pick the best Kate? You get to pick the best Kate of all time.
It's simple after this.
Ice slide, cows on the roof, racy furniture.
That only means one thing - Catherine the Great.
Ladies, if you're watching, that's how to please a Widdicombe! I will absolutely accept that the greatest Kate of all time is Catherine the Great.
Well done, Catherine the Great.
APPLAUSE I sort of feel she had enough plaudits already, but there you go.
So, for our winner, I'm going to give you this - these limited-edition royal wedding crown jewel condoms, one for each of you.
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
Don't put them on your head! My thanks to all my guests.
Special thanks to all the Kates here, there and everywhere.
And thanks to you at home for watching.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE It's the Oscar for the mobile phone industry.
Get in there.
The search for Britain's best mobile phone salesperson is on.
Joining me are six people who've brought some of the loveliest names I've ever heard.
Please welcome, Jennifer Saunders, Suzannah Lipscomb and their team captain, Josh Widdicombe, and over on the other side, Romesh Ranganathan, Jessica Hynes and their captain, Richard Osman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, tonight's name is one that's on everyone lips.
It's the name of our future queen, the name of the biggest pop star in the world and it almost sounds like cake.
Mmm! Cake.
Tonight's name is Kate.
Ahhh! So I'm going to be testing the panellists' knowledge of all things Kate and, just to be clear, we are going to include Catherines, Katies and even the odd Cat, so who might be coming up on tonight's show? Well, we've got models, actresses, princesses, a complete Burke and a massive arse.
The teams have to try and win as many Kates as they can.
At the end of the show, the winning team gets the honour of deciding who's officially the best Kate of all time.
So, Jennifer, do you know any Kates? Well, do you know, I thought I didn't, but I looked at my phone on the way here and realised I knew about, actually, everybody on the screen then, apart from Katie Hopkins.
That's a very important "but" there.
I don't really know Kate Middleton, that's the only one I'm pretending to know.
So she's not on your phone? She is, but she She's on your phone?! Of course she's not on my phone, you fool! It's weird, cos I don't know any of them, but I am very good friends with Katie Hopkins.
I can see how you'd bowl along rather merrily, the two of you.
Oh, we are.
Thinking about just doing a double act.
Coffee And Cream.
Which one are you? Now, Suzannah, you're our guest historian.
As our guest historian, are there any weird and wonderful Kates we should know about before we commence? I've got a story, but it's probably really interesting to somebody who's really interested in the 16th century, so just bear with me.
Oh, I am! Oh, yes! Miss, I am, Miss! I am.
Now we're talking.
Settle in, everybody.
Really exciting! We've got geeks everywhere, it's great.
Right.
OK.
Give us your 16th century.
It's Catherine Parr, Henry VIII's sixth wife and it's my favourite of his wives, because she was going to be the third wife to be on the block, there was a coup against her, guards turned up.
The way she got out of it was she very cleverly explained to Henry that he was the husband and lord, he knew everything, and the speech that she gave pretty much is a source for Shakespeare's Taming Of The Shrew.
At the end of Taming Of The Shrew, Katherina, the Kiss Me Kate, gives this speech where she says to her husband, "You're brilliant "and I bow to everything," and that seems to be coming from actual fact, that Catherine Parr said that.
So Shakespeare nicked it, essentially? Yeah.
Shakespeare was good at that.
I've always thought that guy was a fake.
Overrated.
Josh, Richard, in terms of greatest Kates of all time, any early thoughts? I'm hoping she comes up - my sister, Kate.
Sweet.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Just your sister doesn't qualify here.
I'm sorry, Josh.
What? Really? I'll go with Kate Bush, then.
Richard, how about you? Kate Humble from Autumnwatch.
No, she's a proper Kate.
Kate Humble is everything a Kate should be.
She looks like a Kate, she's sweet, she's clever, she's efficient.
Lovely curly hair.
Do you think Kate Humble as well, Jennifer? She does as well.
JOSH: No, you're on my team! Go with my sister! RICHARD: Don't say, "Go with my sister.
" I know you're from Devon, mate.
Let's get on with the show.
It's time to pick a Kate.
Four categories each concealing four very different Kates.
Richard, who would you like out of this lot? You've got a Royal Kate What do we think? Go with your instinct.
Go on, Richard.
Shall we go Super Kate? OK, fine.
Great.
Why not? OK.
You have picked Super Kate and chosen fast-living supermodel Kate Moss.
Yes! Let's have a look at her stats.
AUDIENCE GROANS Whoa! I said that would get that reaction.
Whoa, Sue! That's not cool, man.
Surely the most successful British model of all time, appearing on the cover of Vogue over 300 times, beating me by over 300 times.
What is the secret of Kate Moss's beauty regime? Is it those two cucumbers? You know, those two cucumbers? Not the two cucumbers.
We've moved on, we've moved on.
We've moved on from Jackie magazine in the '70s.
Do you not do the two cucumbers? Josh, it's two courgettes now.
And some kale.
Some quinoa down the nose.
She was having an ice water facial, which is basically sticking your head in a bucket of ice water.
As far as Kate Moss is concerned, Guantanamo's just a spa.
There are lots of stories attached to Kate's partying.
Moss's friend, Jess Hallett, recounted, "One night in South Africa, I remember phoning downstairs "and saying, 'Can we have an alarm call for 7am, please?' "And they said, 'That's in five minutes, madam.
' " When she was dating Johnny Depp, they ordered their hotel room bath to be filled with champagne.
What happened to it? They immediately thought this actually sounded better than it is.
Do you think, if you bathed in it, you'd get drunk by just kind of absorbing it? They didn't get into the bath.
Maybe accidentally it got emptied by somebody who was cleaning the room.
Oh, the chambermaid.
The maid drained the bath.
Amazing.
That maid, what emotional rollercoaster did she go through? Because if she's emptied it, she obviously doesn't know it's champagne, so what did she think it was? You said that she thought they filled the bath with their own fizzy urine? An entire bath? These two have had one hell of a night.
They've filled their bath with their own urine, I'm just going to pull the plug and hope they forget about it.
That's what a good maid does.
If I'd got a bath full of champagne, I'd at least put the "Do Not Disturb" thing outside, wouldn't you? Yes.
You're not Kate Moss and Johnny Depp, though, really and mentally thinking there, are you? They're just rock and roll.
They're not going to go, "Oh, quickly, "because of the champagne bath, Joshie, run back and put " 'Do Not Disturb' on the door, darling, will you?" Can I just double-check that the champagne bath has been arranged for when I've finished the recording? Absolutely! Between 2005 and 2007, Kate was in a relationship with Libertines singer Pete Doherty.
What were Kate and Pete stopped from doing at London Zoo? Oh, no! Not that! They didn't fill a rhino with champagne, did they? Were they trying to make some animal smoke? That is absolutely Well, I'll give you that.
Were they giving monkeys blowbacks? No Sorry, what do you mean by blowbacks? Never has the last syllable of a sentence been so important.
They weren't trying to give monkeys blowbacks, no, but what they were doing, were trying to get the penguins high by flicking hash into the enclosure.
The penguins? No, the penguins weren't flicking it at Kate Moss.
It would be quite hard with no opposable thumbs.
The sad story is that's how Pete Doherty got into it.
He was totally clean and then the penguins got him into it.
It was a gateway drug.
"Hey, Pete, take some of this.
" "Pete, have some of that.
" They don't call me Happy Feet for nothing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, it's time to play for the Kate.
Here she is.
Come on, guys.
What's unusual about the Lucian Freud artwork that Kate Moss owns? She's pregnantin it.
No, she's not pregnant in it.
It's a tattoo! It's a tattoo.
Well done, absolutely right.
It is a tattoo.
Congratulations.
The tattoo was personally inked by Lucian Freud, said to be worth one million quid.
There you go.
It's a pair of swallows.
Chop it off?! If I had a tattoo that was worth a million quid, I'd chop that off straight away.
You'd chop it off your own back?! Yeah! You could sow that up.
A million quid.
Well done, Josh.
You win the Kate.
Congratulations! APPLAUSE Well done.
There you are.
Now, Josh, what would you like to go for? I think we should go Royal Kate, because we've got a historian, the Great Kate? You don't need to whisper because it's not University Challenge.
Oh, OK! I'm very good at University challenge! I think people have worked out it's not University Challenge.
We've got to go Great Kate.
We got to go Great Kate.
Great Kate.
You've chosen Russia's second greatest love machine Empress Catherine the Great.
Let's have a look at her stats.
Oh, well.
None out of three ain't bad.
So, Suzannah, is she the greatest Russian ruler ever, do you think? There's lots of them called the Great, that's kind of common.
There are some better names.
Like what? Well, I quite like Yuri the Long Arms, Dmitri the Dmitri Dmitri's name I've forgotten.
Dmitri It's probably not one of the best ones.
Dmitri the Forgettable, I think.
See, that's it! Catherine the Great was Empress of Russia from 1762 until 1796.
She holds the record at Russia's longest ruling female leader.
She had a number of palaces, Catherine.
The Winter Palace, St Petersburg, was the largest, thought to have had over 1,000 rooms.
Thatch.
Which palace was it? This was the Winter Palace.
I've been there, I've been there.
The one outside St Petersburg.
I've been there.
Do you remember the roof? I don't remember the roof.
I wasn't on the roof.
You said that very quickly, as if you were definitely on the roof! Was it the style of it? It's not the style, it was something that was on it.
Jennifer Saunders! No.
The answer is she kept cows on it.
They wanted a fresh supply of milk.
Surely 1,000 rooms, Suzannah, has got to be one of the biggest royal palaces of all time? It's pretty big.
Although there's actually one in China that's got 9,000 rooms.
Whoa! So the Winter Palace is tiny by comparison.
When you've got 9,000 rooms, which ones would you double up on first? I reckon three toilets, max.
I'd go all toilets, except for one room.
But what an exciting day when someone came out and you said, "I'm in the sitting room, find me!" Catherine was believed to have had some rather unusual furniture in Gatchina Palace.
What was unusual about the furniture? Was it blow-up? Did she have the first futon? It was erotic in nature.
Did she have what we would call? She had a special chair! There were several special chairs, yes.
Special as in a VERY special chair.
Well, I think they're pretty special.
There are some extraordinary pictures of the furniture.
Here's a lovely table, for example.
There it is.
JOSH: Wow! JENNIFER: Oh, my goodness.
I mean, that WOULD be a talking point.
If I went round to Richard's house, and that was in the sitting-room This would have made the most entertaining episode of Antiques Roadshow ever, by the way.
What do you think she might have referred to that table as? "We're going to have tea on the"? "Cockee table.
" You've got cockee table books.
Cocky, balls and booby table.
I've got a lovely chair for you, as well, while we're at it.
Take a closer look at that.
Oh! JESSICA: Hello! As David Dickinson would say, "A real bobby dazzler.
" That's amazing! You inspired to get any of these pieces to brighten up your bedsit, Josh? What do you reckon? What do you mean by my "bedsit"?! Well, I've got certain images that come to mind when I think of you at home.
You know, bar fire I don't want to hear about your personal life, Sue.
If that chair was available, I would get it.
Would you sit on it? I don't know what I'm meant to say about the chair.
You've gone very high-pitched.
I know! I'm not going to lie to you, I can't wait until I'm back at my bedsit, on my own.
Just the bedsit - that's your only piece of furniture.
Yes! Does that still exist, that chair? Sadly, sadly not.
The contents sort of disappeared after it was looted by the Nazis in the 1940s.
But copies can be made, Josh.
Yeah.
Imagine Imagine if you made that from IKEA and you went, "I've definitely got this wrong.
That can't be right.
" So what did Catherine prescribe as a cure for insomnia? Half an hour on that chair, you'd be out like a light.
It's along those lines.
Having sex six times a day, she thought, was a great cure for insomnia.
You know what? Even if it's not, it's worth a go.
Catherine had an active sex life, with a number of lovers.
Not that you'd guess from this portrait.
Thatis the worst bedhead I have ever seen.
You know when you're on a rollercoaster and the photo gets taken and you're, like, going along and your hair's out? Is that a normal sort of portrait of the era, Suzannah? Yeah, this is the thing.
Don't believe anything the scientists say about there being scientific ideas of judging beauty.
It clearly is determined by when you live in history, what turns you on.
They thought this was REALLY hot.
If I get a time machine, where should I head to? Middle Earth.
APPLAUSE Time to play for the Kate.
Catherine the Great loved all kinds of fun.
What new form of entertainment did she install in one of her St Petersburg palaces? Bowling.
Oh, laser quest! Tennis.
It's snowy.
Skiing! Luge.
Yes, I'm going to give you that.
It was an ice slide.
She had it installed in the grounds of her palaces.
Made out of wood, up to 70 feet in height, 500 feet long, the slides were iced and then thrill-seekers would sit on a block of ice covered in a mat, and travel at speeds in excess of 50mph.
No brakes, just 100% shit yourself.
Oh, that's where that photo of her was taken.
Sorry, can I just say I know that wasn't a photo, before people tweet in? Completely separately, has anyone ever been on You know, like, in a water park, you know, where the slide goes down vertically? Yes.
Yeah, man.
I can't do that.
Why? Because it's! How can you? How does anyone do that? It's just gravity.
Just takes you.
Oh! APPLAUSE Congratulations, Richard's team, you win the Catherine.
RICHARD: Oh, well done.
APPLAUSE So this one's for both teams to play.
Richard, who would you like? We'll go for Royal Kate, please.
Royal Kate.
And you've chosen right royal Catherine Elizabeth Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, and Princess of Middle-class Aspiration.
Let's have a look at her stats.
Kate went to St Andrew's Prep School in Berkshire.
What record What school record does she hold? Best Marryer? No, it's a sporting achievement.
Discus.
No.
Shot.
Hammer.
Not the long jump, the? High jump.
Is the right answer, Jennifer.
Absolutely right.
Thank you so much.
She almost lost the high jump record last summer but, luckily, Royal protection guards were there and able to gun down the rival at the very last minute.
Does anyone here have a school record for anything? We all got awards, my school year, for what you were best at.
But I wasn't good enough at anything.
So they just gave me the Good Egg Award.
AUDIENCE: Aww! For just being an all-round good egg.
For that, I'm going to give you a bonus.
Kat Slater from EastEnders.
That's the most patronising award I've ever seen.
Kat Slater! Pure sympathy.
APPLAUSE Pure sympathy.
Kate married William in April 2011.
Did any of you celebrate the royal wedding? Did any of you do anything? No, I was in Birmingham.
You were probably 12.
Not as "I was probably 12"?! In 2011?! 13? 14? What were you doing in Birmingham? I was doing A project? A school project? Yeah, I was walking around Spaghetti Junction with a clipboard, ticking things off.
AS JOSH: "I'm just noting down what each building is used for "for my geography coursework.
" VAGUELY LIKE JOSH: "Retail.
" HE can do the voice - THAT is not good enough, come on! WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Retail "Warehousing.
" Now, a royal wedding serves two main purposes.
Firstly to ensure the orderly succession of the throne.
And secondly to allow a small amount of tasteful commemorative items to make their way to the shops.
How did General Electric mark the occasion? A 21-bulb salute.
A fridge.
They did a special fridge.
They absolutely did.
Here it is.
Oh! No way.
JENNIFER: Oh! AUDIENCE GASPS JOSH: I tell you what, though, it really does bring my bedsit alive, that fridge.
I wonder how her and William sort of communicate to each other that they're stepping out of line.
When I'm at home with my wife and I say something like, "While you're in the kitchen, can you make me a cup of tea?" She'll go, "Oh, of course, Your Majesty(!)" If they do that to each other, they say, "Yeah, OK.
Sweet.
" Let me share a few of my royal wedding souvenir favourites with you.
Like these royal wedding teabags.
JOSH: Wow.
JENNIFER: Oh, that's horrible, actually, isn't it, when you look at it? What are they bathing in? Yeah, that is disgusting.
Who goes two teabags? That's going to be too strong! Absolute idiots! And the worst thing is, the maid came along and actually tipped it out.
Next up, royal wedding condoms.
There they are.
Not sure what the tag line is.
Presumably, "Someday, my prince will come.
" There was also this commemorative mug from China.
See if you can spot the mistake.
Time now to play for Upper Kate.
Kate's family recently created their very own Middleton coat of arms.
What I want to know is, what is on it? Josh and Richard, if you look under your desk, you'll find you've got a blank shield and some coloured pens.
Give us your best guess as to what is on the heraldic shield.
We've got appropriate music, and the time starts now.
MUSIC: Rule, Britannia! By James Thomson Do you know this? What is it? That's it.
SUE WHISTLES ALONG TO THE MUSIC OK, time is up! Right, Richard, please show us your heraldic shield! That's not a euphemism.
Here's what we've got.
We've got a penguin smoking a spliff there, from Jess.
What are these? They're oars.
We have oars to represent Just to represent oars, really.
We have, from Romesh Somebody wearing a crown.
Royal, for Royal.
And money.
I'm going to take my eyes from that with good reason and let's have a look.
We've got two options.
Yeah.
Jennifer has drawn a coat and some arms.
APPLAUSE Would you like to explain this one? Basically, when they wanted to create one, they had to think of things that the Middletons were interested in.
Apparently they're interested in hills Hills? And outdoor pursuits.
Three acorns, that's the three children.
Red and blue.
Red and blue because they live in England.
UK.
They support Crystal Palace.
Well, let's have a look at the real one, see how close you got.
No surprise to see that yours CHEERING Very good.
Well done! The golden chevron, of course, to represent the family's love of gold and digging.
And LAUGHTER .
.
two white chevrons, there, as you say the hills and mountains, their love of outdoor pursuits.
Basically, Josh's team win the Kate.
Good work! So Time now for our teams to confront the Insert Name Here fruit machine.
It's loaded with all my favourite Kates and our teams must match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary Kate.
So let's spin.
OK, you've got Tom Cruise escapee Katie Holmes, wildlife enthusiast - true Kate - Kate Humble, and professional contrarian Katie Hopkins.
Yes! Which Kate has a pathological fear of hard-boiled eggs? Katie thingy Kate That's not narrowing it down.
That's a point.
Kate, the ex-Tom Cruise Kate.
I think I'm definitely sure it's her.
I just have a sixth sense about it.
So we're building the jeopardy, here.
So we know for a fact that it is Katie Holmes.
JOSH: So let's come to us for our answer.
I'm going to go with It's not Kate Humble, she's the perfect Kate, so Yeah, she's not going to be She'd have to eat eggs for her job.
She has to eat eggs for her job! That's what she does.
I've watched Springwatch, she goes up trees, goes into the nests with a frying pan JOSH: That's how she identifies the breed of the bird.
Starling, I think! Well, unless she doesn't like to see them boiled.
Oh, yeah.
It's only hard-boiled eggs.
At what point during the boiling process does she start freaking out? I would say six minutes.
That is Hopkins at 5.
59.
She's weird, she's weird.
We'll go Hopkins.
It is actually Kate Humble! Yeah, Kate Humble, quintessential Kate, loves an omelette but states, "I have a pathological fear of hard-boiled eggs.
" It's right up there, apparently, with her pathological fear of Bill Oddie.
Nobody wins the Kate there, let's spin again.
OK, you've got Henry VIII's wife number one, Catherine of Aragon, the best singer in the world, absolutely ever, Kate Bush, and head of the mighty Kardashian clan Caitlin Jenner.
Which of these Kates owned a pet monkey? Josh's team.
I do know this! Oh, you do? Let's talk it through first.
So, Kate Bush, what is it, had a pet Maybe Kate Bush had a pet monkey as well.
You're saying as well, which means you know, you know that Catherine of Aragon had a pet monkey.
Yeah.
Yes, well, there we go.
I I was going to talk it through for dramatic effect, but we've decided against that.
Why do that? Why have jokes when you can just have statements? Can I just say, I have a sixth sense that it's Catherine of Aragon.
RICHARD: I know Suzannah thinks it's Catherine of Aragon, but I have news for her - monkeys didn't exist.
They were invented in The 1950s.
Yeah, the 1950s, by Coca-Cola.
Everybody knows that! Kate Bush seems like she would have a monkey, right? Are you tending towards Kate Bush? As always in life, Kate Bush is usually the answer.
But I don't want to It's not a pet monkey, though, it's a monkey that can come and go as it pleases.
Yes, exactly.
So you're saying Kate Bush.
We're going to go with With the right answer, with Catherine of Aragon.
And in many ways you were right to go with the right answer, because it's the right answer! We have evidence that monkeys were invented before 1950 by the Coca-Cola Company, and there it is.
She certainly looks enraptured by her pet(!) ROMESH: Right, that looks like the monkey is a lot more into the relationship than she is.
Actually, this picture is really cool because it actually has a message behind it as well, because what the monkey is supposed to be reaching for, you can't see it, is actually not her breast but her crucifix.
And she's holding a coin in her hand.
Normally the monkey would go for the coin, and he's going for the crucifix.
So it's church over money.
But also it's church over guess who's on the other side of the coin Henry VIII! Henry VIII! Political monkey! And so, basically, this picture is a massive sort of middle finger up.
This is like 3-2-1, isn't it? Loving that! And you win the Kate, congratulations.
Good fact! Strong fact.
OK, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
I'll start by reading out a Kate-based nugget.
You buzz in when you think you know how it ends.
First up, European heavyweight Catherine I of Russia.
Yes, Richard? To close her Tinder account.
Nope.
Did he do You know that thing where if your parents catch you with a cigarette and then they make you smoke the whole pack? Did he make her sleep with all of the Russians All of Russia?! .
.
so that she was like put off them forever? No, she did have to sleep beside something.
Did he make her sleep on the roof beside the cows? No, this is Catherine I of Russia.
Same thing, Sue.
No, forced her to sleep beside Happy days! Peter the Great had his wife's lover killed and his head chopped off and placed in a large jar of alcohol.
Peter insisted that the jar remain on Catherine's bedside table as a reminder of her adultery.
Even worse, if you just reach for that sip of water in the night It wasn't in the alcohol for long, though, because the housekeeper came and poured it away.
Sadly, no Kate won there.
We go onto the next one.
Next, Oscar-winning Aussie Cate Blanchett.
Did he say that, "Well, you know, me and the Queen, we're together, "but it's a kind of open relationship"? He asked her how to fix something.
RICHARD: Oh, the 1998 Cup final! Think electrical item.
Yeah? Toaster! Oh, no.
Was it his Kate and William fridge? No, he asked her how to fix his DVD player.
2008, Kate was introduced to Prince Philip as someone who worked in film.
LAUGHTER He asked her, "There's a cord sticking out the back of my DVD player, "might you tell me where it goes?" Nice, however, to see Philip being muddled rather than racist, though.
Sadly nobody wins the Kate, but one more from Cate Blanchett.
Cate Blanchett named her third child Romesh? With very little care, because you don't care by the third.
She named her third child Ignatius.
There you go, what did I tell you? Where did she get the name from? I think I know the answer to that.
I know it's boring.
I imagine it's from Confederacy Of Dunces, is it, the book? It's from the children's book Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants .
.
which I'm sure you have on your bookshelf! I read all of the Captain Underpants books with my kids when they were little.
Did you? Yeah, they're a perfectly good read.
I don't remember Ignatius.
I wish I did, I would've just won a Kate and my kids would've paid off, finally.
You should never, ever choose names from kids' books, as I was saying to my niece, Usborne Book Of Train Facts.
So, we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that our winners tonight with the most Kates areJosh's team! Congratulations.
CHEERING Whoa, came back there! Good work.
Josh, this is the moment This is your moment.
Oh, look how happy Jennifer looks.
You're delighted! I'm so delighted.
JOSH: So, do we now pick the best Kate? You get to pick the best Kate of all time.
It's simple after this.
Ice slide, cows on the roof, racy furniture.
That only means one thing - Catherine the Great.
Ladies, if you're watching, that's how to please a Widdicombe! I will absolutely accept that the greatest Kate of all time is Catherine the Great.
Well done, Catherine the Great.
APPLAUSE I sort of feel she had enough plaudits already, but there you go.
So, for our winner, I'm going to give you this - these limited-edition royal wedding crown jewel condoms, one for each of you.
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
Don't put them on your head! My thanks to all my guests.
Special thanks to all the Kates here, there and everywhere.
And thanks to you at home for watching.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE It's the Oscar for the mobile phone industry.
Get in there.
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