Insert Name Here (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
This programme contains strong language Hello, you, and welcome to Insert Name Here, the show where we discover surprising facts about people with just one thing in common.
They've all got the same name.
Joining me are six of my favourite people, each bearing their own unique moniker, so please welcome Kate Williams, Danny Baker and their team captain Josh Widdicombe and on the other side, Aisling Bea, Robert Webb and their captain Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE Aisling, do people struggle with your name? The pronunciation is not evident from perhaps the spelling.
I do get a lot of confusion over it but it's our language so for me, it's as clear as day that A-O-I-F-E is Aoife, or N-I-A-M-H is Niamh, or S-I-O-B-H-A-N is Are you talking in tongues now? It's called Ireland, is just sort of out and to the left.
How are you spelling that? Q-P-G Robert, do you work better with "Rob" or "Robert"? Rob is fine, really.
But when it's Rob Webb - I saw a dressing room door once and it R-O-B-B W-E-B.
It was like one of the Bs had just jumped over.
It was just weird.
You know what's happened there? You've gone to the wrong dressing room.
Now Kate, since your last appearance, we've done Kate and William.
So, what's your middle name? Ruth.
I've got nothing to say about Ruth, let's move on.
You are ruthless! APPLAUSE Wow! Boom! And it's not going to get any better than that tonight! Josh, it's not gone unnoticed that the expert always seems to be on your team.
Do you know what, the producers genuinely said, "That's because you're not as clever as Richard Osman.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE To the all-important question, which name is going to be featuring tonight? It's a name we all know and love.
They can be average, they can be holy.
They can even be shmoes - because tonight's name is Jo.
APPLAUSE So, tonight I'm going to be testing the team's knowledge of all things Jo and that of course includes Josephs, Joannas, Joeys and Jodys - all variations are welcome, we do not discriminate.
But who might be on the show tonight? Well, we've got dictators, entertainers, saints, we've got a Jo who's bright and Jo who's bright orange.
Along the way, our teams will be collecting as many Jos as they can, at the end of the show, the winning team will have the honour of deciding who is officially the greatest Jo of all time.
So Richard, any early thoughts about who you'd lay claim to as the greatest Jo? Well, other than Joey Essex, who of course is terrific.
I know a fact about Joey Essex which is he's not from Essex.
Which is more than Joey Essex knows! He's from Bermondsey, Danny Baker country.
I know the family very, very well.
Do you? Cos he's really called Essex? His uncle, Greg Essex, he was an enormous fellow, I'm talking 30 stone.
One sitting before a Millwall match - and it's absolutely true - because he was egged on 26 pies, 28 mash.
LAUGHTER What?! That's where the company Greggs comes from.
LAUGHTER So Josh, who would you be staking your claim? Probably go back to the start, Jesus's dad.
Not God, the other one.
Joseph.
He doesn't get enough credit, he's had a bad 2,000 years.
So either the father of Jesus or Joe Root the England cricketer.
So it's an even split between those two? But Joseph is the father of Jesus.
Joseph Do you know what, I'm going to go with Joey Essex.
LAUGHTER Well, he's sort of the stepfather of Jesus, isn't he? Looked like him in the pram.
People said, "He's got his dad's halo.
" LAUGHTER Well, between the trio of Joey Essex, Joe Root and Joseph the sort of stepdad of Jesus, we will find somewhere.
Let's get on with the show.
Time to pick a Jo.
Our panellists choose a category and behind each one lurks a famous Jo, which our teams must attempt to win.
We've got: So Josh, who do your team fancy out of that lot? Shall we go Sporty Jo? Sporty Jo.
Why not.
Congratulations, you've picked football is the list mis-manager, Joseph "Sepp" Blatter.
Let the games commence! He's actually not called Joseph but we thought, it's going to be lot of series before we get to the episode Sepp! Let's have a look at his stats.
LAUGHTER We're all probably football fans loosely here, but Richard, you're a very keen football fan.
Do you fancy standing as the next president of Fifa? I don't, I support Sepp Blatter and I would say anybody who believes the allegations against him - you have not seen my new Mercedes.
LAUGHTER Despite all the talk of corruption, he still has his supporters.
LAUGHTER What did Putin suggest that Blatter should be given? The Ukraine? LAUGHTER The greatest honour you can get.
Was it Star Baker? A Swedish prize! Oh, the Nobel Prize! They should do a Nobel Prize for corruption.
What a money-spinner that would be! Putin certainly gave Blatter his full confidence, saying, "I don't believe a word about him being involved in corruption.
" In entirely unconnected news, Russia will be hosting the next World Cup.
Sepp has been a player all his life - the question for you is how did he earn money as a teenager? Did he have a paper round in Qatar? I think he sold lingerie at some point.
Not lingerie, I'll tell you - he was a professional yodeller.
No! That's almost a racist answer, isn't it? Have you just not got any answers about Sepp, so it's just going to be Swiss stereotypes? Listen, he was a professional yodeller.
For 75 quid, he would sing songs, told jokes, do a soft-shoe shuffle, and for ?200 million, he'd throw in the World Cup.
Decades later, the old footwork hasn't deserted him, as we'll see here.
No-one likes to see that, do they? Everyone at home is not listening to this because they're just rewinding.
In Switzerland, they eat dog and that's like, people always make fun of the Far East! Especially round the Alps.
I'm never going to Switzerland again.
What's more, he once chipped his tooth on a Toblerone.
Chocolate shaped like the Alps.
I never knew that design is supposed to be the Alps.
It is the most palate-unfriendly shape for a chocolate because the Alp gets embedded in the hard palate.
In 2002 Blatter married for the third time.
Does anyone know what his wife's job was? She was a yodeller.
She was a yodel replier.
Do you think yodelling was like the original Tinder in Switzerland and they went, "Yodelayheehoo!".
It's quite a limited repertoire, isn't it? Yodelayheeha, yodelayheehee That's it.
Was I being racist again? Sorry! Little bit.
To be fair though, Sue, less than usual, so it's good.
Do you think we've yodelled so many times that Swiss people are going to start surrounding the studio outside "They're calling us.
" We are from Switzerland and this is how we walk.
Is that a Swiss walk? You always see them coming out of the clocks like that.
Let me put you out of your misery.
The occupation of Sepp Blatter's third wife.
She was a dolphin therapist.
LAUGHTER Did she give therapy to people who were frightened of dolphins, or actually therapise the dolphins? HE IMITATES DOLPHIN Now a load of dolphins are going to arrive outside the studio.
They don't know what Robert's saying.
There's dolphins at home going, "Bloody hell, Sue and Robert are racist.
" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH So, time to play for the Jo.
Following the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Blatter was presented with a prestigious honour, the Order of the Companions of OR Tambo.
What was he called on the Order's official website? It was an unfortunate addition to his name, and offensive.
Weak! Weak Blatter.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Bellend.
Absolutely right.
No! I'll tell you what he was down as.
"Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter.
" Oh, no! Bravo! Well done, Aisling! Now, the reason this came about is officials copied the title from Blatter's Wikipedia page .
.
which had been pranked.
That's so good! Here it is.
So either that, or You've got to love the report in the Daily Telegraph which simply said, "Both websites have since been amended, removing the reference "to bellend, which is a slang term for a penis.
" Have you ever been vandalised online, Josh? On my Wikipedia page, for a brief while, it just said And there's no truth in this, I don't know where it came from.
.
.
that my parents bred miniature Schnauzers.
That's an awful thing to say! Of course, bread and miniatures Schnauzers is the most popular sandwich in Switzerland.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Has anybody else been pranked? Anyone been I was dead.
You were dead? I was.
My death date was put in.
I happened to go on it and it just said, "Kate Williams died on 21st November, 2013.
" You are doing so well for someone who's dead.
I've just thought of a brilliant film you can do, where someone goes on their Wikipedia page and then there's a date in, like, the future I'm not going to say it, cos I'm going to Can I just say, I've never seen my Wiki page and I don't intend to after the show, cos it will be pranked, but I do know that the first thing on it goes, "not to be confused with Miss America 1978.
" Unlikely.
Well, I'll be honest, when I signed up to the show, I was very disappointed when you turned up with the first answer.
Well done, Richard's team.
You collect the Jo.
Right, Richard, your turn.
What's it going to be? You've got a Literary Jo, a Nasty Jo or an Artistic Jo.
We will go for Nasty Jo, please.
You've gone nasty? Very nasty.
It's everyone's favourite Russian dictator and the world's worst children's entertainer, Uncle Joe Stalin.
Stalin was the ruler of the USSR from 1929 to 1953.
Let's look at his stats.
Richard, are you a Stalinist? I like a lot about what he did.
We worked together briefly in the early '90s.
He did Pointless Celebrities, didn't he? He came on with Lenin.
But then he got knocked out by Sue Pollard and Ruth Madoc.
You know that picture of Joseph Stalin? Like, five years ago, that would've looked like Joseph Stalin but now it sort of looks like he owns his own hipster coffee shop in Shoreditch.
Have you ever tried that luxuriant moustache combination with pipe, Rob? Last time I had this much hair on my face, I started shaving it off and just left just to see what it'd look like and it was awful.
So I kept going.
I think every bloke who goes a few days without shaving does Just to have a look.
Just have a quick look.
Start with the Frank Zappa, come down to the Hitler.
Yeah! KNOCKS ON TABLE "What are you doing in there?" GERMAN ACCENT: Nothing.
NORMAL: I mean, nothing! As a young man, Stalin became a full-time revolutionary, Can you just kick the shit out of people? That's more like it.
He was a bouncer at a nightclub.
Extortion.
Exactly that, extortion, bank robberies, kidnappings.
We know you're on Bake Off! You're going to go around, "Oh, your name is Mary.
Well, an interesting fact about that" After coming to power, Stalin was given a series of grandiose titles.
Does anybody know any of them? Protector of the Realm.
Let me start you off with Father of Nations.
Giant Genocidal Bastard of the Universe.
Would've been good.
You could've also had And my personal favourite It was Idi Amin who was King of Scotland, wasn't it? Yes, it was Idi Amin.
And did you know that he used to eat 40 oranges a day because he thought they were nature's Viagra and then do you know who he used to write letters to after he'd eaten 40 oranges? The man from Delmonte.
AISLING: She's the now Queen? Yeah, we're on the second one.
This is going out on Monday, so fingers crossed! Towards the end of his life, Stalin's behaviour became somewhat erratic.
Stalin banned his guards from entering his bedroom he decided to test their resilience by screaming in great agony.
When his guards came running in, they were executed for disobeying orders.
Wow! How did this trick backfire? He died in his bedroom and no-one came to get him, surely.
That's pretty much right, yes.
Pretty much right.
Do you know any greater detail about that, Kate? Do you know about Stalin's death? Why are you asking Kate? Would you like some more detail on that? How did he die and when? Oh, I don't Was he poisoned? No, he She didn't know! He had a stroke or a heart attack.
A stroke.
They were too nervous to say, "Shall we take you hospital?" So they left him in that room because they were terrified to actually make the decision, "I think he's dying.
" Yes, exactly right.
When somebody finally dared enter the room, Stalin was found unconscious, lying on his back, soaked in urine.
Doctors administered a series of micro-enemas using magnesium sulphate, glucose and Vaseline.
Nothing to do with curing him, I think they just wanted to piss about.
OK, put your borscht away because now it's the big one.
We are going to play for the Jo.
When Stalin was diagnosed with a stroke, what treatment did he receive, besides the micro enemas? Kate, do you know? Cabbage? Cabbage?! And you're a historian?! "I don't know, cabbage.
" "Cabbage, I don't know.
" Think a more medieval Leeches! Leeches is right.
Absolutely right.
It was supposed to be cabbages, but they ordered from Ocado, they said, "There's been one substitution.
"We hope you're OK with leeches instead.
" He was basically sponged down with aromatic vinegar and eight leeches were placed behind his ears.
Died shortly afterwards.
Richard, your team just won Joe Stalin.
Yes! Yes! Right Josh, it's your turn.
Pick a Jo.
You've got a Literary Jo or Artistic Jo.
Literary Jo, please.
And, as if by magic, it is best selling children's author, the magnificent JK Rowling.
Let's have a look at her stats.
Josh, you must have grown up with Harry Potter.
No, I didn't, no.
I'm 32.
I never knew Ron Weasley was 32.
That is incredible news.
Who's a fan of Harry Potter? I queued up for them.
Did you? Yes, as a grown-ass adult with loads of children.
I was like, "Back off!" Did you go on the rides and stuff? Did you go to the theme park, the Harry Potter? Just me, then.
I have, yeah.
You went? I've been on, yeah.
The one in Florida is unbelievable.
And I've only ever seen half of one of the films, read two of the books, but, man alive, do I feel like I've been to Middle Earth? I don't know what it is.
That message really sunk in! I like the idea of Danny doing all the great books, but just in ride form.
"I've not read War And Peace, "but have you been on the roller-coaster?" They did almost do a Napoleon theme park.
Wasn't Napoleon famously short? He wouldn't have been able to go on any of the rides.
I think it's still in the planning, because France feels they've got Disneyland, they've got They want something to beat it and it'll be Napoleon Land.
I'd call it Bona-Park.
Ah! Only once has JK Rowling resorted to wearing a disguise in public, despite the levels of her fame.
So on the day that she wore this disguise, what was she doing? Is she that person they haven't caught from the Hatton Gardens robbery? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Some people, once they get the money, they can't stop, can they? Possibly one of the greatest days for a woman.
Her wedding day? Well, yeah, what would she be getting in advance of her wedding day? Can I just Her dress! Can I just pick bones with "the greatest day for a woman"? The day you get to give yourself legally over to a man, yay(!) CHEERING You're absolutely right, Kate Williams, she was indeed buying her wedding dress, which is in no way a decent or exciting or interesting day for any modern enlightened woman.
She was married in 2001 to Dr Neil Murray.
She hasn't disclosed what the disguise was that she wore, she says, "In case I need to use it again.
" Better than this one, however, used by Muse singer Matt Bellamy and actress Kate Hudson.
There you go.
No! Yes.
That disguise is literally 5p more expensive than it was Are you sure he wasn't just walking on the street and it blew into his face? The Harry Potter films made millionaires of the three main stars.
During the early films, why did the producers hire a professional dentist? Oh, cos the kids are so young that their teeth were falling out.
That is exactly right.
You are absolutely on it.
Matthew Lewis, who played Neville Longbottom, had to spend ten years with crooked teeth because the producers wouldn't let him wear a brace.
To quote the man himself .
.
although, judging by a more recent picture, things have worked out just fine.
SHE GROWLS Whoa! I think we can all see where he's put the Philosopher's Stone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I met Daniel Radcliffe.
He said his one ambition in life was to go on Pointless.
RICHARD: He's welcome on any time, Daniel Radcliffe.
He knows that.
In fact, they all are.
Rupert Grint.
Emma Watson, yeah The other two Like we'd say no to Emma Watson! Come on.
"No, sorry, we've got Cheggers, so" So, now it's time to play for the Jo.
Why was a toy replica of Harry Potter's broomstick surprisingly popular? Is it a sexual thing? It was, sort of, yes.
It was, yes.
It had a special feature.
Did it vibrate? It did vibrate, yes.
Oh, no! That's a shame.
It did vibrate is exactly the right answer.
The battery-operated toy featured, and I quote, "a grooved stick and handle for easy riding.
" It was a replica Nimbus 2000 or, as it's now called, the Quimbus 2000.
Congratulations, Richard, you pick upJo! Very good.
No high-fives this time.
Now time for our Fruit Machine Round.
Each time I spin, up will pop three of my favourite Jos.
Our teams must match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary Jo.
So let's spin.
We have philosophical footballer Joey Barton, boxer turned Strictly star Joe Calzaghe and squeaky funny man Joe Pasquale.
So the question is, which Joe produced a series of paintings inspired by the Italian Renaissance? OK, well, I think I'm going to start with Josh first.
Have you met Joey Barton? Yeah, I know him quite well.
He's never mentioned KATE: Does he look like a painter to you? He looks like a painter and decorator.
I think definitely Joe Pasquale, if anyone is Have you met Joe Pasquale? Yes, of course.
And anyone who's Joe Pasquale speaks very highly of you.
Hey! Joe Pasquale, cos Joe is a man of hidden depths Is he? Yes, he is, absolutely.
Joe Pasquale.
OK, well, I think we're going to go with Joe Pasquale.
You're not convinced, are you? Well, I am now.
Richard's team, what are you going to opt for? I would have thought Calzaghe.
But I think his hands would get damaged all the time so he wouldn't be able to paint.
No, he doesn't fight any more.
And, to be fair, he works on canvas.
Oh, yeah.
Who do you reckon, then? Joe Calzaghe.
Joe Calzaghe.
Well, the correct answer is Joe Pasquale.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE In February 2015, Joe produced a series of Renaissance-style paintings based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Here's Joe proudly standing NEAR the National Gallery.
So, congratulations, Josh, you win the Jo.
APPLAUSE So Let's spin again.
You've got former Pope, Benedict XVI, Joseph Ratzinger, Portuguese man o' war Jose Mourinho and glow-in-the-dark TV personality Joey Essex.
Which Jo holds a pilot's licence? Going to start with you, now, Richard.
I hope, for the sake of all of us and our souls, it's not Joey Essex.
Who is the middle man again? Jose Mourinho.
He's Hose Mourinho.
Jose Mourinho.
Oh, so that's old Hose Mourinho.
Jose.
Jose.
That kind of, "Oh, I'm so driven, "now I've got to learn how to fly a plane," kind of dick.
I see what you mean.
LAUGHTER I think that the former Pope might hold a Pontius Pilate's licence.
APPLAUSE We would like to pick the Pope.
They've opted for Joseph Ratzinger.
What are you going to go for, Josh's team? I've read so much about Jose Mourinho that I would have read that he was a pilot, whereas I don't know much about Joey Essex.
You're going to go Joey Essex? It can't be Joey Essex! No! Shoot me if I ever get on a plane and it just goes, "Hello, it's your captain here, right? I'll be right out, right? "We're going to go out over Clacton now.
"Don't know where we're going, right?" Joey Essex.
All right, you're going to go for Joey Essex.
The correct answer is Joseph Ratzinger.
APPLAUSE Old Pope Joseph Ratzinger would fly himself from the Vatican to his summer residence just outside Rome.
He's also a trained helicopter pilot and was known to fly the Vatican chopper to official I don't know why I'm laughing when I say the Vatican But congratulations, you, sir, win the Joseph.
Yay! APPLAUSE So, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
I'll start by reading out a Jo-based gem, you buzz in when you know, or you think you know, how it ends.
First up, it's sweet magnate Joseph Rowntree.
BELL RINGS Chocolate.
And? BELL RINGS Ox beef, something like that? Ox is absolutely right, yes.
Beef extract, anyway.
So essence of ox.
And it was pitched as a health food for BUZZER One week.
LAUGHTER BELL RINGS I might be wrong, is it? I think it's for invalids.
Yes, it was.
And was it for cyclists? It was for cyclists and invalids, well done.
Whoa! APPLAUSE Do you know any more information about the Rowntree ox chocolate? Beef extract was good for the invalid.
It was something that you would give the invalid so it was made to be easy to eat and children who wouldn't eat beef extract would eat the chocolate, that was the idea.
You win the Rowntree.
Well done.
Next, heroic carrier pigeon GI Joe.
Saved himself until he met the right pigeon.
No.
Saved it all up until he flew over a statue of Sepp Blatter.
No.
Warning them of a "coo"! The British troops were being attacked so they knew in command to send reinforcements but they wouldn't have known if it wasn't for GI Joe, who was so fast.
You can see him there with a little It looks like a bomb but it's actually his little message backpack on his back.
You're absolutely right, Kate.
You are absolutely right.
Congratulations, Josh.
You win the Jo.
Next, holy man St Joseph of Cupertino.
Josh.
Did he just piss in his trousers like astronauts? I don't know if you're beatified because you can wee in your own trousers, in which case I would be St Susan of Croydon right now.
Oh, I just beatified myself again.
I'm going to give you a little bit more.
Did he begin by going, "Ten, nine" Did he levitate? He did levitate! Yes, I think it was about 1630, wasn't it? Of course it was, yes.
He was having a celebration of mass, he was joining in this big celebration of the mass and he just started to fly.
There's some amazing saints out there.
There is the patron saint of the internet.
Robert Webb.
Congratulations, Josh's team.
You win the Jo.
So we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that tonight's winners with the most Jos are Team Richard! So very, very big moment.
Richard, who are you nominating as the best Jo of all time? I'm going for someone who's brought pleasure to millions and millions of people.
I think will do for many years to come.
I would say best Jo of all time - JK Rowling.
I couldn't agree more.
But, before we leave, Richard, please accept your very own vibrating broomstick.
There you go.
That's it for tonight.
Enjoy that.
It has been used.
My thanks to all my guests.
Special thanks to all the Jos here, there and everywhere and thanks to you at home for watching.
Goodnight.
As we'll be discussing, cosmologists are studying The way the French feel about Joan of Arc.
This explains why
They've all got the same name.
Joining me are six of my favourite people, each bearing their own unique moniker, so please welcome Kate Williams, Danny Baker and their team captain Josh Widdicombe and on the other side, Aisling Bea, Robert Webb and their captain Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE Aisling, do people struggle with your name? The pronunciation is not evident from perhaps the spelling.
I do get a lot of confusion over it but it's our language so for me, it's as clear as day that A-O-I-F-E is Aoife, or N-I-A-M-H is Niamh, or S-I-O-B-H-A-N is Are you talking in tongues now? It's called Ireland, is just sort of out and to the left.
How are you spelling that? Q-P-G Robert, do you work better with "Rob" or "Robert"? Rob is fine, really.
But when it's Rob Webb - I saw a dressing room door once and it R-O-B-B W-E-B.
It was like one of the Bs had just jumped over.
It was just weird.
You know what's happened there? You've gone to the wrong dressing room.
Now Kate, since your last appearance, we've done Kate and William.
So, what's your middle name? Ruth.
I've got nothing to say about Ruth, let's move on.
You are ruthless! APPLAUSE Wow! Boom! And it's not going to get any better than that tonight! Josh, it's not gone unnoticed that the expert always seems to be on your team.
Do you know what, the producers genuinely said, "That's because you're not as clever as Richard Osman.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE To the all-important question, which name is going to be featuring tonight? It's a name we all know and love.
They can be average, they can be holy.
They can even be shmoes - because tonight's name is Jo.
APPLAUSE So, tonight I'm going to be testing the team's knowledge of all things Jo and that of course includes Josephs, Joannas, Joeys and Jodys - all variations are welcome, we do not discriminate.
But who might be on the show tonight? Well, we've got dictators, entertainers, saints, we've got a Jo who's bright and Jo who's bright orange.
Along the way, our teams will be collecting as many Jos as they can, at the end of the show, the winning team will have the honour of deciding who is officially the greatest Jo of all time.
So Richard, any early thoughts about who you'd lay claim to as the greatest Jo? Well, other than Joey Essex, who of course is terrific.
I know a fact about Joey Essex which is he's not from Essex.
Which is more than Joey Essex knows! He's from Bermondsey, Danny Baker country.
I know the family very, very well.
Do you? Cos he's really called Essex? His uncle, Greg Essex, he was an enormous fellow, I'm talking 30 stone.
One sitting before a Millwall match - and it's absolutely true - because he was egged on 26 pies, 28 mash.
LAUGHTER What?! That's where the company Greggs comes from.
LAUGHTER So Josh, who would you be staking your claim? Probably go back to the start, Jesus's dad.
Not God, the other one.
Joseph.
He doesn't get enough credit, he's had a bad 2,000 years.
So either the father of Jesus or Joe Root the England cricketer.
So it's an even split between those two? But Joseph is the father of Jesus.
Joseph Do you know what, I'm going to go with Joey Essex.
LAUGHTER Well, he's sort of the stepfather of Jesus, isn't he? Looked like him in the pram.
People said, "He's got his dad's halo.
" LAUGHTER Well, between the trio of Joey Essex, Joe Root and Joseph the sort of stepdad of Jesus, we will find somewhere.
Let's get on with the show.
Time to pick a Jo.
Our panellists choose a category and behind each one lurks a famous Jo, which our teams must attempt to win.
We've got: So Josh, who do your team fancy out of that lot? Shall we go Sporty Jo? Sporty Jo.
Why not.
Congratulations, you've picked football is the list mis-manager, Joseph "Sepp" Blatter.
Let the games commence! He's actually not called Joseph but we thought, it's going to be lot of series before we get to the episode Sepp! Let's have a look at his stats.
LAUGHTER We're all probably football fans loosely here, but Richard, you're a very keen football fan.
Do you fancy standing as the next president of Fifa? I don't, I support Sepp Blatter and I would say anybody who believes the allegations against him - you have not seen my new Mercedes.
LAUGHTER Despite all the talk of corruption, he still has his supporters.
LAUGHTER What did Putin suggest that Blatter should be given? The Ukraine? LAUGHTER The greatest honour you can get.
Was it Star Baker? A Swedish prize! Oh, the Nobel Prize! They should do a Nobel Prize for corruption.
What a money-spinner that would be! Putin certainly gave Blatter his full confidence, saying, "I don't believe a word about him being involved in corruption.
" In entirely unconnected news, Russia will be hosting the next World Cup.
Sepp has been a player all his life - the question for you is how did he earn money as a teenager? Did he have a paper round in Qatar? I think he sold lingerie at some point.
Not lingerie, I'll tell you - he was a professional yodeller.
No! That's almost a racist answer, isn't it? Have you just not got any answers about Sepp, so it's just going to be Swiss stereotypes? Listen, he was a professional yodeller.
For 75 quid, he would sing songs, told jokes, do a soft-shoe shuffle, and for ?200 million, he'd throw in the World Cup.
Decades later, the old footwork hasn't deserted him, as we'll see here.
No-one likes to see that, do they? Everyone at home is not listening to this because they're just rewinding.
In Switzerland, they eat dog and that's like, people always make fun of the Far East! Especially round the Alps.
I'm never going to Switzerland again.
What's more, he once chipped his tooth on a Toblerone.
Chocolate shaped like the Alps.
I never knew that design is supposed to be the Alps.
It is the most palate-unfriendly shape for a chocolate because the Alp gets embedded in the hard palate.
In 2002 Blatter married for the third time.
Does anyone know what his wife's job was? She was a yodeller.
She was a yodel replier.
Do you think yodelling was like the original Tinder in Switzerland and they went, "Yodelayheehoo!".
It's quite a limited repertoire, isn't it? Yodelayheeha, yodelayheehee That's it.
Was I being racist again? Sorry! Little bit.
To be fair though, Sue, less than usual, so it's good.
Do you think we've yodelled so many times that Swiss people are going to start surrounding the studio outside "They're calling us.
" We are from Switzerland and this is how we walk.
Is that a Swiss walk? You always see them coming out of the clocks like that.
Let me put you out of your misery.
The occupation of Sepp Blatter's third wife.
She was a dolphin therapist.
LAUGHTER Did she give therapy to people who were frightened of dolphins, or actually therapise the dolphins? HE IMITATES DOLPHIN Now a load of dolphins are going to arrive outside the studio.
They don't know what Robert's saying.
There's dolphins at home going, "Bloody hell, Sue and Robert are racist.
" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH So, time to play for the Jo.
Following the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Blatter was presented with a prestigious honour, the Order of the Companions of OR Tambo.
What was he called on the Order's official website? It was an unfortunate addition to his name, and offensive.
Weak! Weak Blatter.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Bellend.
Absolutely right.
No! I'll tell you what he was down as.
"Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter.
" Oh, no! Bravo! Well done, Aisling! Now, the reason this came about is officials copied the title from Blatter's Wikipedia page .
.
which had been pranked.
That's so good! Here it is.
So either that, or You've got to love the report in the Daily Telegraph which simply said, "Both websites have since been amended, removing the reference "to bellend, which is a slang term for a penis.
" Have you ever been vandalised online, Josh? On my Wikipedia page, for a brief while, it just said And there's no truth in this, I don't know where it came from.
.
.
that my parents bred miniature Schnauzers.
That's an awful thing to say! Of course, bread and miniatures Schnauzers is the most popular sandwich in Switzerland.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Has anybody else been pranked? Anyone been I was dead.
You were dead? I was.
My death date was put in.
I happened to go on it and it just said, "Kate Williams died on 21st November, 2013.
" You are doing so well for someone who's dead.
I've just thought of a brilliant film you can do, where someone goes on their Wikipedia page and then there's a date in, like, the future I'm not going to say it, cos I'm going to Can I just say, I've never seen my Wiki page and I don't intend to after the show, cos it will be pranked, but I do know that the first thing on it goes, "not to be confused with Miss America 1978.
" Unlikely.
Well, I'll be honest, when I signed up to the show, I was very disappointed when you turned up with the first answer.
Well done, Richard's team.
You collect the Jo.
Right, Richard, your turn.
What's it going to be? You've got a Literary Jo, a Nasty Jo or an Artistic Jo.
We will go for Nasty Jo, please.
You've gone nasty? Very nasty.
It's everyone's favourite Russian dictator and the world's worst children's entertainer, Uncle Joe Stalin.
Stalin was the ruler of the USSR from 1929 to 1953.
Let's look at his stats.
Richard, are you a Stalinist? I like a lot about what he did.
We worked together briefly in the early '90s.
He did Pointless Celebrities, didn't he? He came on with Lenin.
But then he got knocked out by Sue Pollard and Ruth Madoc.
You know that picture of Joseph Stalin? Like, five years ago, that would've looked like Joseph Stalin but now it sort of looks like he owns his own hipster coffee shop in Shoreditch.
Have you ever tried that luxuriant moustache combination with pipe, Rob? Last time I had this much hair on my face, I started shaving it off and just left just to see what it'd look like and it was awful.
So I kept going.
I think every bloke who goes a few days without shaving does Just to have a look.
Just have a quick look.
Start with the Frank Zappa, come down to the Hitler.
Yeah! KNOCKS ON TABLE "What are you doing in there?" GERMAN ACCENT: Nothing.
NORMAL: I mean, nothing! As a young man, Stalin became a full-time revolutionary, Can you just kick the shit out of people? That's more like it.
He was a bouncer at a nightclub.
Extortion.
Exactly that, extortion, bank robberies, kidnappings.
We know you're on Bake Off! You're going to go around, "Oh, your name is Mary.
Well, an interesting fact about that" After coming to power, Stalin was given a series of grandiose titles.
Does anybody know any of them? Protector of the Realm.
Let me start you off with Father of Nations.
Giant Genocidal Bastard of the Universe.
Would've been good.
You could've also had And my personal favourite It was Idi Amin who was King of Scotland, wasn't it? Yes, it was Idi Amin.
And did you know that he used to eat 40 oranges a day because he thought they were nature's Viagra and then do you know who he used to write letters to after he'd eaten 40 oranges? The man from Delmonte.
AISLING: She's the now Queen? Yeah, we're on the second one.
This is going out on Monday, so fingers crossed! Towards the end of his life, Stalin's behaviour became somewhat erratic.
Stalin banned his guards from entering his bedroom he decided to test their resilience by screaming in great agony.
When his guards came running in, they were executed for disobeying orders.
Wow! How did this trick backfire? He died in his bedroom and no-one came to get him, surely.
That's pretty much right, yes.
Pretty much right.
Do you know any greater detail about that, Kate? Do you know about Stalin's death? Why are you asking Kate? Would you like some more detail on that? How did he die and when? Oh, I don't Was he poisoned? No, he She didn't know! He had a stroke or a heart attack.
A stroke.
They were too nervous to say, "Shall we take you hospital?" So they left him in that room because they were terrified to actually make the decision, "I think he's dying.
" Yes, exactly right.
When somebody finally dared enter the room, Stalin was found unconscious, lying on his back, soaked in urine.
Doctors administered a series of micro-enemas using magnesium sulphate, glucose and Vaseline.
Nothing to do with curing him, I think they just wanted to piss about.
OK, put your borscht away because now it's the big one.
We are going to play for the Jo.
When Stalin was diagnosed with a stroke, what treatment did he receive, besides the micro enemas? Kate, do you know? Cabbage? Cabbage?! And you're a historian?! "I don't know, cabbage.
" "Cabbage, I don't know.
" Think a more medieval Leeches! Leeches is right.
Absolutely right.
It was supposed to be cabbages, but they ordered from Ocado, they said, "There's been one substitution.
"We hope you're OK with leeches instead.
" He was basically sponged down with aromatic vinegar and eight leeches were placed behind his ears.
Died shortly afterwards.
Richard, your team just won Joe Stalin.
Yes! Yes! Right Josh, it's your turn.
Pick a Jo.
You've got a Literary Jo or Artistic Jo.
Literary Jo, please.
And, as if by magic, it is best selling children's author, the magnificent JK Rowling.
Let's have a look at her stats.
Josh, you must have grown up with Harry Potter.
No, I didn't, no.
I'm 32.
I never knew Ron Weasley was 32.
That is incredible news.
Who's a fan of Harry Potter? I queued up for them.
Did you? Yes, as a grown-ass adult with loads of children.
I was like, "Back off!" Did you go on the rides and stuff? Did you go to the theme park, the Harry Potter? Just me, then.
I have, yeah.
You went? I've been on, yeah.
The one in Florida is unbelievable.
And I've only ever seen half of one of the films, read two of the books, but, man alive, do I feel like I've been to Middle Earth? I don't know what it is.
That message really sunk in! I like the idea of Danny doing all the great books, but just in ride form.
"I've not read War And Peace, "but have you been on the roller-coaster?" They did almost do a Napoleon theme park.
Wasn't Napoleon famously short? He wouldn't have been able to go on any of the rides.
I think it's still in the planning, because France feels they've got Disneyland, they've got They want something to beat it and it'll be Napoleon Land.
I'd call it Bona-Park.
Ah! Only once has JK Rowling resorted to wearing a disguise in public, despite the levels of her fame.
So on the day that she wore this disguise, what was she doing? Is she that person they haven't caught from the Hatton Gardens robbery? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Some people, once they get the money, they can't stop, can they? Possibly one of the greatest days for a woman.
Her wedding day? Well, yeah, what would she be getting in advance of her wedding day? Can I just Her dress! Can I just pick bones with "the greatest day for a woman"? The day you get to give yourself legally over to a man, yay(!) CHEERING You're absolutely right, Kate Williams, she was indeed buying her wedding dress, which is in no way a decent or exciting or interesting day for any modern enlightened woman.
She was married in 2001 to Dr Neil Murray.
She hasn't disclosed what the disguise was that she wore, she says, "In case I need to use it again.
" Better than this one, however, used by Muse singer Matt Bellamy and actress Kate Hudson.
There you go.
No! Yes.
That disguise is literally 5p more expensive than it was Are you sure he wasn't just walking on the street and it blew into his face? The Harry Potter films made millionaires of the three main stars.
During the early films, why did the producers hire a professional dentist? Oh, cos the kids are so young that their teeth were falling out.
That is exactly right.
You are absolutely on it.
Matthew Lewis, who played Neville Longbottom, had to spend ten years with crooked teeth because the producers wouldn't let him wear a brace.
To quote the man himself .
.
although, judging by a more recent picture, things have worked out just fine.
SHE GROWLS Whoa! I think we can all see where he's put the Philosopher's Stone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I met Daniel Radcliffe.
He said his one ambition in life was to go on Pointless.
RICHARD: He's welcome on any time, Daniel Radcliffe.
He knows that.
In fact, they all are.
Rupert Grint.
Emma Watson, yeah The other two Like we'd say no to Emma Watson! Come on.
"No, sorry, we've got Cheggers, so" So, now it's time to play for the Jo.
Why was a toy replica of Harry Potter's broomstick surprisingly popular? Is it a sexual thing? It was, sort of, yes.
It was, yes.
It had a special feature.
Did it vibrate? It did vibrate, yes.
Oh, no! That's a shame.
It did vibrate is exactly the right answer.
The battery-operated toy featured, and I quote, "a grooved stick and handle for easy riding.
" It was a replica Nimbus 2000 or, as it's now called, the Quimbus 2000.
Congratulations, Richard, you pick upJo! Very good.
No high-fives this time.
Now time for our Fruit Machine Round.
Each time I spin, up will pop three of my favourite Jos.
Our teams must match the extraordinary fact to the extraordinary Jo.
So let's spin.
We have philosophical footballer Joey Barton, boxer turned Strictly star Joe Calzaghe and squeaky funny man Joe Pasquale.
So the question is, which Joe produced a series of paintings inspired by the Italian Renaissance? OK, well, I think I'm going to start with Josh first.
Have you met Joey Barton? Yeah, I know him quite well.
He's never mentioned KATE: Does he look like a painter to you? He looks like a painter and decorator.
I think definitely Joe Pasquale, if anyone is Have you met Joe Pasquale? Yes, of course.
And anyone who's Joe Pasquale speaks very highly of you.
Hey! Joe Pasquale, cos Joe is a man of hidden depths Is he? Yes, he is, absolutely.
Joe Pasquale.
OK, well, I think we're going to go with Joe Pasquale.
You're not convinced, are you? Well, I am now.
Richard's team, what are you going to opt for? I would have thought Calzaghe.
But I think his hands would get damaged all the time so he wouldn't be able to paint.
No, he doesn't fight any more.
And, to be fair, he works on canvas.
Oh, yeah.
Who do you reckon, then? Joe Calzaghe.
Joe Calzaghe.
Well, the correct answer is Joe Pasquale.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE In February 2015, Joe produced a series of Renaissance-style paintings based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Here's Joe proudly standing NEAR the National Gallery.
So, congratulations, Josh, you win the Jo.
APPLAUSE So Let's spin again.
You've got former Pope, Benedict XVI, Joseph Ratzinger, Portuguese man o' war Jose Mourinho and glow-in-the-dark TV personality Joey Essex.
Which Jo holds a pilot's licence? Going to start with you, now, Richard.
I hope, for the sake of all of us and our souls, it's not Joey Essex.
Who is the middle man again? Jose Mourinho.
He's Hose Mourinho.
Jose Mourinho.
Oh, so that's old Hose Mourinho.
Jose.
Jose.
That kind of, "Oh, I'm so driven, "now I've got to learn how to fly a plane," kind of dick.
I see what you mean.
LAUGHTER I think that the former Pope might hold a Pontius Pilate's licence.
APPLAUSE We would like to pick the Pope.
They've opted for Joseph Ratzinger.
What are you going to go for, Josh's team? I've read so much about Jose Mourinho that I would have read that he was a pilot, whereas I don't know much about Joey Essex.
You're going to go Joey Essex? It can't be Joey Essex! No! Shoot me if I ever get on a plane and it just goes, "Hello, it's your captain here, right? I'll be right out, right? "We're going to go out over Clacton now.
"Don't know where we're going, right?" Joey Essex.
All right, you're going to go for Joey Essex.
The correct answer is Joseph Ratzinger.
APPLAUSE Old Pope Joseph Ratzinger would fly himself from the Vatican to his summer residence just outside Rome.
He's also a trained helicopter pilot and was known to fly the Vatican chopper to official I don't know why I'm laughing when I say the Vatican But congratulations, you, sir, win the Joseph.
Yay! APPLAUSE So, everybody, let's play Finish The Fact.
I'll start by reading out a Jo-based gem, you buzz in when you know, or you think you know, how it ends.
First up, it's sweet magnate Joseph Rowntree.
BELL RINGS Chocolate.
And? BELL RINGS Ox beef, something like that? Ox is absolutely right, yes.
Beef extract, anyway.
So essence of ox.
And it was pitched as a health food for BUZZER One week.
LAUGHTER BELL RINGS I might be wrong, is it? I think it's for invalids.
Yes, it was.
And was it for cyclists? It was for cyclists and invalids, well done.
Whoa! APPLAUSE Do you know any more information about the Rowntree ox chocolate? Beef extract was good for the invalid.
It was something that you would give the invalid so it was made to be easy to eat and children who wouldn't eat beef extract would eat the chocolate, that was the idea.
You win the Rowntree.
Well done.
Next, heroic carrier pigeon GI Joe.
Saved himself until he met the right pigeon.
No.
Saved it all up until he flew over a statue of Sepp Blatter.
No.
Warning them of a "coo"! The British troops were being attacked so they knew in command to send reinforcements but they wouldn't have known if it wasn't for GI Joe, who was so fast.
You can see him there with a little It looks like a bomb but it's actually his little message backpack on his back.
You're absolutely right, Kate.
You are absolutely right.
Congratulations, Josh.
You win the Jo.
Next, holy man St Joseph of Cupertino.
Josh.
Did he just piss in his trousers like astronauts? I don't know if you're beatified because you can wee in your own trousers, in which case I would be St Susan of Croydon right now.
Oh, I just beatified myself again.
I'm going to give you a little bit more.
Did he begin by going, "Ten, nine" Did he levitate? He did levitate! Yes, I think it was about 1630, wasn't it? Of course it was, yes.
He was having a celebration of mass, he was joining in this big celebration of the mass and he just started to fly.
There's some amazing saints out there.
There is the patron saint of the internet.
Robert Webb.
Congratulations, Josh's team.
You win the Jo.
So we've come to the end of the show and I can tell you that tonight's winners with the most Jos are Team Richard! So very, very big moment.
Richard, who are you nominating as the best Jo of all time? I'm going for someone who's brought pleasure to millions and millions of people.
I think will do for many years to come.
I would say best Jo of all time - JK Rowling.
I couldn't agree more.
But, before we leave, Richard, please accept your very own vibrating broomstick.
There you go.
That's it for tonight.
Enjoy that.
It has been used.
My thanks to all my guests.
Special thanks to all the Jos here, there and everywhere and thanks to you at home for watching.
Goodnight.
As we'll be discussing, cosmologists are studying The way the French feel about Joan of Arc.
This explains why