Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s02e08 Episode Script

Tyler Perry's Episode

What? Tim and Lauren broke up.
Oh, no.
Yeah, but they always had that trust stuff.
So glad we're not like that.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Teddy bears? "I Love Amy" bear? Happywithmygirlfriend.
com? Of course.
Asian girls.
Here we go.
The Chrysanthemum Fund? Helping victims of the Southeast Asian cyclone.
"Putting her needs before mine.
" "What would our babies look like?" "How to make her as happy as she makes me!" Google history.
"Girlfriend only gets hotter as she ages, how does she do it?" Okay.
"How to explain to girlfriend you're extremely wealthy.
" Oh my God, I'm rich! Babe? Are you almost done in there? Almost.
I miss you.
I'm the only girl in the world.
I'm the cyclone.
I'm the cyclone.
Here's your donation! Coming, babe.
Corrections by XhmikosR Clap if you've ever seen a Tyler Perry movie.
Black people, don't look at each other.
That's, that's not-- This wasn't for you.
I just wanted to see the rest of these people lie.
Um Thanks for watching the epic finale of "Cupcake Wars".
What should we watch? Uh, you wanna do a movie? What time is it? All right.
If we watch a 90 minute movie, I'd take an Ambien in an hour-- You wanna take a shower.
No, I'm not.
All right, whatever.
You wanna see what's on demand? Yeah, what are the free ones? See it live with Pay-Per-View from Time Warner Cable.
Catch Reese Witherspoon in "Squiggle Dumb Dumb".
Jim Carrey in "Holocaust Downs.
" Oh, my God, can you mute it? - I'm going to kill myself.
- I'm trying.
All right, any of these-- Do you like these? Mmm.
Uh, what's "Lake Placid"? Uh, "An enormous crocodile--" No, no, no.
Read more descriptions.
"Kevin Kline is a single father renovating a secret barn--" Mm-mm.
"In 1950s Lebanon--" No.
Ooh, "Pitch Perfect"! No.
No, no, no.
We're not watching "Pitch Perfect" again.
You liked it.
No, I dealt with it.
Let's go to the Showtime movies.
Yeah, no.
Oh, we have that documentary on whale fracking.
It's like, the worst kind of fracking.
I think they found a worse fracking since they made that.
There's no way.
I dunno, we know we're gonna watch it.
- Like we're definitely watching it.
- Right, okay.
So, just-- but tonight doesn't feel like the right night.
All right, I agree.
We'll definitely watch it.
- We'll do something else.
- Yeah, just find something.
What about, uh, "Amore"? No, I don't feel like hearing accents.
- I think it's "Amor".
- "Amor".
"Spring Breakers".
- "Paranormal Sexual Assault".
- No.
"The Decapitating".
"The Frightening".
- "The Crispening".
- What? "The Worsening".
"The Haunting of David Finklestein".
There's "Evil Dead".
No, I'm like, already scared all the time.
I really don't want to add to that.
Someone told me it's not actually not that scary.
It's more like just light raping.
What's the description? "'Evil Dead.
' Captured in the woods, "an injured girl is restrained in a basement.
"Her father sets her on fire and shoots her dead.
Which is what she deserves.
" No.
I just want to relax.
All right.
He made a "Twilight"? Why aren't you using Page Down? - I'm using Page Down.
- Oh.
"The Darker the Berry The Sweeter the Drank"? That's true.
You want to start a series? I never saw "Carnivàle" on HBO.
Ooh, "Cocktail"! What? What? "Cocktail".
The movie.
I don't think I've seen that.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Tom Cruise is a struggling flair bartender.
You never saw "Cocktail"? Oh my God, it's so good, it's amazing.
No, that's it, we're watching it.
- Well, no-- - We're watching it.
You've already seen it.
Yeah, but I want to watch you watch it.
Oh, it's so awesome.
- We're watching it.
- Fine.
We're doing it.
You're gonna freak out.
Oh, my God.
I feel like I'm remembering they don't start bartending for, like, 10 minutes into the movie.
I'm just going to fast forward to that.
But just the set-up, like, he's having a hard time.
Oh my God, this part.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
You wanna see a cocktail menu? Uh, no.
I'm not drinking, thanks.
- Yeah, he caught it.
- Okay.
So is that-- Is that kind of the gist of it? They just do tricks.
Like, so much-- They get into so many shenanigans.
Oh, we need ice cream.
I'm going to go get some ice cream.
- What-- - I'm gonna run out.
If you're going to be gone, I'll pause it.
No, no, no, don't pause it.
Watch it.
You-- Watch this.
You're gonna watch it.
Are these peanuts for everybody? Yeah.
Oh wow, great bar.
When I'm leave you're gonna long for me When you longing for my kiss You'll long for more than this When I leave you'll long for me Okay, I'm going to name Tyler Perry movies.
You tell me if they're real or fake.
- Okay.
- Okay? "I Can Do Bad All By Myself".
- Fake.
- Real.
Real-- "Madea Goes to Trenton".
- Fake.
- Fake.
"A Strong, Strong" These titles are ridiculous.
Tyler Perry's "Put Some Stank On It".
Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right.
No, it's not.
"Why Did I Get Married Too".
- Not a title.
- It is a title.
"The Darker the Berry the Sweeter the Drank.
" (Bleep).
I can't say the fake titles without laughing.
That was fun.
Your friends are really great.
Yesterday I told a brief story with a point and a definite ending.
What's happening to me? Feeling like less of a woman? Yeah.
Lately I've been arguing rationally without bringing up some (bleep) from three years ago.
Am I dying? Losing what makes you feminine? I saw a strange text on my boyfriend's cell phone and I just trusted him.
I didn't freak the (bleep) out.
You might not just be getting older.
You might have a condition called Low Estrogen, or Low-E, and it might be time to talk to your doctor about SandraGel.
SandraGel is a cream you have to rub on your hands in an exaggerated way.
A lot.
SandraGel increases estrogen when used daily.
I just feel like if she really cares about her friends, like, she'll call them and it won't just be all about-- Are you listening to me? In clinical study, women who used SandraGel immediately reported an increase in unfounded suspicions, crying at work, and dishing it out without being able to take it.
Can you give me some space, please? God.
God, Jesus.
Serious side effects include vaginal worsening and stigmata.
Thanks, SandraGel! What? What? Why is your cell phone have a code? What do you need a code for? What are women like? Can you describe them in general? I would say that they typically are sweet, kind.
- You are so - They can also be-- Uh, demanding.
They're completely, sometimes, delusional.
I can't have this on TV.
- I got to stop this.
- This is so funny.
Behind every great doctor is an even greater "The Nurses.
" Welcome to "The Nurses," the show that you watch while you're waiting for the doctors.
I know what you're all thinking.
You want to see the doctors right away, but you're just going to have to settle for the unsung heroes up here who do all the real work.
And don't worry, we know more than the doctors, okay? If you don't have a fever and you blow your nose and it's clear, you're fine.
That's right.
Because doctors can be very unapproachable.
It's like, we get it, Your Grace.
You're super busy.
And we're not busy? Please.
Don't give us any attitude.
If you are rude, we're rude.
We'll give it right back to you.
Thank you.
Okay, let's take a question from the studio audience.
Yeah, thanks, hi.
I've been told that my cholesterol is-- Step on the scale, please.
Wow, okay.
Uh, you want me to remove my shoes? It doesn't matter.
My cholesterol is too high.
What can I do to address this issue? I guess, like, Google it? You know what, you gotta wash your hands.
And wash them longer than you think, okay? Two "Happy Birthdays.
" A doctor would say that my cholesterol is connected to washing my hands? I'll tell you what a doctor would say.
"Blah, blah, I want to bang every pharmaceutical rep that walks through my office door in a pencil skirt.
" That's what a doctor would say.
It's like, I wear pencil skirts, you know? I wear 'em all the time, and I can't even Dr.
Rosen to look at me.
Okay, this isn't really the time for that.
Thank you.
Piss in this.
Do you want me to leave it in the bathroom or bring it out? Doesn't matter.
I can't today.
I can't.
Okay, we are getting a lot of questions about keeping your doodies regular.
Coffee and a cigarette.
Boom, like clockwork every day.
Easy, thank you.
You're welcome.
Happy birthday, Jocelyn! Oh, you guys.
Jocie! - A cookie cake! - Yeah.
My favorite! We know you love cookie cake.
Happy birthday.
Everyone owes me $3.
I'm actually not going to have any.
Even if you're not gonna have any.
It's a party, okay? Yeah, I have a question about prescriptions? Sir, we will call you when we're ready for you.
Okay? I did not forget about you.
Sit down.
Sir? Sir! We're ready for you now.
Even though we're technically still on break.
What's your emergency question? My question is about prescriptions.
Step on the scale.
Is she talking to the air? Step on it.
Ahh! Oh, no! Oh, God! My legs are cut off! Someone, please, call the doctors! Call the doctors! - Uh.
- He's gonna die on television! Someone get a doctor! Look at his legs! It's in half! Both legs are in half! Dr.
Patel? Oh, what a shocker.
Well, can somebody go find him? - Are you a good nurse? - Of course.
What's the vibe with nurses and doctors? Like, did you ever make out with one in, like, the room where there's beds? Um.
It's like the newer thing-- no, no.
Nobody's hooking up anymore.
It's like new seasons of "The Real World".
Like, nobody's really (bleep).
No one was hurt, but it looks like that's the last time that bear will be going to Whole Foods.
I hope you're right about that, Fleet.
Oh, they're having a bear of a time though, aren't they? I can hardly bear it.
Everyone's talking about the record-setting cold we've been experiencing this winter with temperatures dropping into the single digits.
We went to Central Park to talk to people about how they're coping.
Well, it's been so cold, it's just hard to do everything.
Well, not everything.
Seth, shut up.
What an adorably cold couple.
Certainly looks like they're going to be keeping each other warm, huh, Am? Yes.
I'm sorry.
Rob, can we see those last two people again? Is something wrong, Amy? Just show those people again, please.
It's just hard to do everything.
Well, not everything.
Okay, that's my boyfriend.
What? I thought you were on a break.
You sent out that email you were on a break.
Well, he's obviously not taking a break.
- We're still live, Am.
- He's not on break.
- Definitely live.
- Okay.
- Still live.
- Okay, sorry about that.
In Washington Heights this morning, a gruesome discovery.
An elderly woman was found brutally murdered in her-- Is she hotter than me? What? Amy, get it together.
Is she hotter than me? It's a simple question, folks.
Chime in.
We're gonna-- we'll take your answers on Twitter.
- Was that-- - In her apartment.
She was brutally murdered in her apartment.
Back to you, Fleet.
Thanks, Amy.
A candlelight vigil is being held at the United Nations - tonight in honor of-- - I mean, she's Asian, but she wasn't even, like, a hot Asian.
I mean, she may as well not have even been Asian-- Five teenagers tonight are being accused Was she Taiwanese or something? of a hate crime after they were caught - spray-painting swastikas - I mean, look at this.
in the parking lot of a local Chipotle All of them are students at the local high school How many exclamation points is he gonna put? where the teacher said they had a history - of disruptive behavior.
- Look at this.
Principal John Robbins says that the school will be instituting new classes - that teach tolerance.
- Really, we're on a break.
In other news, Madison Square Garden will be undergoing renovations Pick up the phone, (bleep).
- Pick up the phone.
- this summer.
Yeah, I just saw you! MSG officials have said the renovations are necessary - to accommodate increasingly elaborate - I just saw you on my news.
- live musical performances, - Yes! many of which now include pyrotechnics - and detailed multimedia presentations.
- You weren't trying to miss me? You're so full of (bleep)! They'll also be increasing the venue's capacity from 20,000 to 22,000.
Your dick is garbage, do you hear me? - Mayor de Blasio welcomed the news - I'm gonna find you, mother(bleep).
calling Madison Square Garden the heart of Midtown.
Bob! Am I the only (bleep) one here? Can't you wrangle this (bleep)? How'd you guys meet? I met him with my ex-boyfriend at his birthday party.
Whoa! Imagine that.
And you hadn't broken up yet? - No.
- Yikes.
How'd you break up with him? You just left the party with Brad.
Do you ever Google an ex? No, not really.
- Come on! - All right, once.
Yeah, totally, I knew that.
Just-- just to see what happened.
- Make sure their lives are dog (bleep).
- Right.
Michelle, you were a flight attendant.
- Yes.
- What were the regulations? You had to be a specific weight according to your height and you literally had to get on a scale - in front of your supervisor.
- Oh, my God.
And they would pull you off the line if you were over.
- Until you lost it.
- (bleep).
I feel like on planes, flight attendants are always like, "Look, our first job here is safety.
" Yeah.
And I'm like, "But I want a drink.
" - Yes, exactly.
- You know? I mean, yeah, I mean, people think that you're there to serve them dinner, basically.
If there's any turbulence, I look right to flight attendants - to see if you guys are freaking out.
- Yes.
And they never are.
If it's serious, you take a big drop fast.
So, you would know when that was happening.
I mean, I've heard stories about somebody, like, actually, like, a flight attendant going up through the ceiling of the, you know, just, you know, the-- I feel like you should know what the top of a plane is called.
Yeah, exactly.
It's kind of vital.
The drop ceiling, I guess.
I'm not saying, like, through the plane.
You're like, "What's it called? The front?" Why do we have to put our seats up one inch? It's for safety and security.
Why is it safer to be like this instead of like this? Yeah, it doesn't make much of a difference.
- Were you ever scared? - You know, sometimes, emergency situations would happen and you wouldn't know how serious they were until after the fact.
For example, something like aborted takeoffs.
Aborted takeoffs feel like they're just slamming on the brakes.
It doesn't feel like it's that dangerous.
However, it is really dangerous.
Uh, I think everyone in the back is probably waiting for me to make an abortion joke, but I'm not gonna do it.
And it's only because I couldn't think of one.
Do you ever think about kind of like (bleep) with the passengers when there's a little turbulence? - Being like, "Ahh!" - No.
No? All right, well, that's good, yeah.
When I think a plane might be going down, - I try and, like, think of good memories.
- Yeah.
Or like, uh, or I'll put on a song that I'd want to die to.
What do you do? I think maybe think about people that you love, you know? Try and send them good energy on the way out.
Right, right, but if you don't have those, what do you-- No, I'm just kidding.
What's a way to, uh, get a flight attendant to not be really mean to you for no reason? I think just be really nice to them, first of all.
I go into a flight, like, I'm going to have the best energy, and I'm not going to be needy and, it's, you know, and, uh-- But still, any little request is met with kind of a fury that I can't even believe.
Everyone asks about the Mile High Club, I'm sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Have you encountered a lot of people (bleep) in the-- Flight attendants totally know when it's happening.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
Because, you know, the galley is rocking, you know? Right, sure.
And also, we can open the lavatory doors from the outside.
So, like, at any point in time, they can just barge in on you if they wanted to.
It'd be pretty embarrassing.
But then you have to have seen-- Yeah, who wants to see that, exactly? And also it's kind of, like, revolting.
Even the idea of it to most flight attendants is revolting 'cause those bathrooms are so-- It's the smallest bathroom.
Most disgusting.
And they're gross.
It doesn't make any sense how you could even do that.
Like, you've never done that? No, I have not ever done it.
Um, did you ever think about it? Yeah, I thought about it.
Do pilots all act like they know you want to (bleep) them? Yes.
- Right? - Yeah, they totally do.
And, you know, I mean, in some cases they're right.
When flight attendants walk through the aisles toward the end of the flight saying, "Trash? Trash?" We know what you're doing.
I bought a pregnancy test recently.
And it was so weird.
There's so many now.
There's, like-- There was one that cost $3.
Like, is that really where you want to cut corners, uh? Is that where you want to use a Groupon, like, to find out if you're with child? Is that a great idea? When I bought the pregnancy test, the girl at the drugstore had the balls when I walked up to buy it to be like, "Are you excited?" I was like, "Yeah, that's why I'm here at midnight "on a Tuesday in sweatpants.
"I'm ecstatic.
"Do you have a bathroom here? "Can I pee on this strip, and then we'll raise it together.
(bleep) you.
" Someone help this man! I can't help him! I can't help him! You're still on the phone? You're having a party.
They're having a party.
I'm so sorry, they're having cake.
They're having a cookie cake.
It's so easy.
Mm, magic.
Corrections by XhmikosR