Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s02e09 Episode Script

Raise a Glass

- Going down? - Yeah.
You live in the building? - Yeah.
They keep making 'em bigger every year.
You grew up around here? I was born here.
Oh, you were born here, in the elevator? Kidding, it's my New York sarcastic sense of humor.
Looks like we caught the local.
And what about you-- You doing all right? Everything all right? - Uh-huh.
- Life.
- Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
- I'm fine, too.
I just need my first cup of coffee, then I'm a little better.
Not good for you, it's not that bad for you.
Like red wine.
They say you have a glass of red wine and it's good for your heart.
This week went by fast, didn't it? I mean, it's already Thursday.
I was telling somebody yesterday, I go, "What is it, Tuesday--" They go, "No, Wednesday.
" I go, "Shut up.
" They go, "Look.
" I looked, you know, and it was Wednesday, they were right, but, yeah, you know, you gotta enjoy-- We got a couple of days left so we can enjoy those, that's for sure.
- So how you doing, all right? - Mm-hmm, fine.
Me too, but rents keep going up, paycheck stays the same.
Give me a break, right? Ah, you got your health, that's what matters.
What-- Is this the elevator going to hell? No.
This is hell.
Hot enough for you? It's a dry heat, I'll say that.
I don't mind the heat.
You know what gets me-- The humidity.
Seen the news lately-- A lot going on.
Of course, we don't-- Sync && corrections by XhmikosR Blacking out's so insane.
You drink until your mind's like, "Uh no, you guys stay up, I'm gonna call it a night.
" And then your body's like, "Mind went to sleep!" It's not okay.
But now I only black out from Ambien because they say "use as needed" and I'm like, it's dark out.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a fucking Nissan Versa! Me too! No, do not text Michael, Amy! No! I love him and it's none of your business.
What are these fucking baskets doing? Who is that guy? Two roommates, both drunk and only one chance to win.
The challenge, create an unforgettable meal using a basket of mystery ingredients collected from your kitchen before time runs out.
And the losing chef will be "Sauced".
Chef Amy, Chef Kelsie, today you have A half-eaten Chobani yogurt from 2012.
Four baby carrots.
A shriveled lime and a bottle of Lexapro.
Your time starts now.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Go, go, go, go! - No, no, no! - Go, go, go, go, go! - Okay, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry - Okay! Okay, here we go, okay-- this is it! - Shots, shots, shots, shots! - Shots, shots, shots, shots! Mmmm! - Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay, give me one more! - One more, one more, one more.
- Okay, one more.
One more and then we do this game.
Give me it.
My name is Amy.
This is bonkers, like, you guys realize that, right-- Okay.
Wait, am I on that screen? Can you move it so I can see? Before I dropped out of UNLV Wait.
I worked at a burrito place called The Dugout, so as soon as I saw the lime, I'm thinking, like burrito? This is fucking broken.
I work in a bead kiosk.
It's a good gig.
But maybe my thing is cooking! Oh, my-- I'm going so fast right now.
And look! Oh, this is a tricky basket.
Especially when you're as blasted as these two chefs are.
More ingredients! I like Amy's confidence, though.
She has all four burners on high and nothing cooking.
This would never fly at FÜD.
Two minutes, chefs.
Amy Look at me, Amy, Amy.
You were the prettiest girl at Fiddlesticks tonight.
The bartender was so into you.
14, 13, 12, 11 ten, nine, eight, seven six, five, four three, two, one Time's up, please step away.
Judges Chefs.
Judges Today, I have prepared for you a bruleed Lexapro, parsnip coulis, spring carrots, and roasted fennel.
Oh, shit.
I like the acidity of the lime with the starchiness of the Lexapro.
Chef Amy.
What? Oh-- Chefs.
Today I prepared for you mayonnaise from a Myrtle Beach mug that Michael gave me.
I think we've made our decision.
I believe so, yeah.
Whose dish will be Sauced? Chef Kelsie.
Congratulations, you are the "Sauced" champion.
I'm a for-real chef! That's fair.
That's fair, you deserve it.
Can you guys get out of our apartment? Yeah.
What kind of a drunk are you? I was just saying how glad I was that I wasn't drunk doing this interview, but now I'm like, I wish I was drunk.
People usually need a couple drinks just to get through a conversation with me.
- What kind of drunk am I? - Yeah, what kind of-- - What kind of drunk are you? - A forgetful one.
- Yeah, are you really? - Yeah.
Do you, like, lose shit? Uh, no, I don't lose shit.
I find shit.
Oh, you do? Sometimes I wake up and I found something I wish I hadn't.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean? I can imagine.
You're rich, right-- You're wearing a suit.
What do you-- What do you do? Oh, sorry.
He said, "I work at a non-profit," and everyone's like, "Oh, oh no, oh" We don't know what non-profit.
Maybe it's like some asshole, like, not that-- Like, what-- What non-profit? It's over, the show's over.
We just got canceled, thank you.
I love how you said it, though, like, you didn't want to answer.
Just, like, a little, like, angel just appeared on my shoulder, like, "Make this funny, bitch--" I can't.
As you know, in the early hours of this morning, a bachelorette party bus flipped over the Pines Bridge and landed on top of a booze cruise carrying a separate bachelorette party.
Now, our first responders were on the scene almost immediately and, as it turns out, the small penises we found dotting the shoreline were not the remains of young boys but were, in fact, straw toppers, or "dicky sippies," as they're called.
These here.
These are used for drinking alcohol out of.
I'd like to turn this over to the head of the ICU at Mercy Medical, Dr.
Todd Mandible.
Good morning.
As it stands, we are treating after spending several hours in the water clinging to inflatable sex dolls.
Four women, uh, remain in critical condition in what I can only describe as a rat king situation in which they are bound together in a wet tangle of hair extensions and feather boas.
Thank you, Dr.
We've questioned several witnesses.
One man recanted the following conversation he overheard.
"Help, my best friend is drowning.
" "She's not your best friend.
" "Really-- Then why am I the maid of honor?" In every case, onlookers who called 9-1-1 urged us to take our time.
Sadly, there were fatalities and for that I'm gonna turn it over to our chief coroner.
Thank you, sheriff.
Yes, there were multiple fatalities, including three alcohol poisonings that were not related to the crash.
- Can you give us some more details? - I have one question.
Well, at least one woman drowned after being knocked unconscious by a bitch goblet.
What's a bitch goblet? To my knowledge, a bitch goblet is a large drinking goblet with the word "bitch" stenciled in puff paint across the back of it.
One woman who made a brave effort to make it ashore, but her hair was so messed up and her makeup was so grotesquely running that some local farmers thought she was one of the ghost girls from "The Ring" and smashed her head with a shovel.
But probably the most tragic loss was a woman named Beth who was surprised that she was even invited to the party, she was just a friend of a friend.
Thought about not going, decided, fuck it, why not go? And she's dead.
I'd like to turn it over now to the fire chief.
I'm sorry, that's a surviving stripper.
Nice, okay.
Thanks, Barnabas.
What happened to the drivers? Both the driver of the party bus and the captain of the booze cruise are deceased.
They committed suicide prior to the accident, for obvious reasons.
The survivors are currently with grief counselors and we have made sure that those grief counselors have their own grief counselors.
Now, our our thoughts and prayers are with the families of the surviving girls, as these girls are the worst.
Please respect their privacy at this humiliating time, thank you.
- When are you getting married? - November 10th.
Who's looking to get real nuts tonight? - Oh, my-- - Not me.
Is anybody gonna get laid? Maybe Mike, maybe Mike.
Are you gonna sleep next to your husband tonight? - I might sleep on top of him tonight.
- Wow.
Do you support this kind of sluttery - Yes.
- from a bride-to-be? Are you guys gonna go dancing tonight or what? We're gonna go dancing right now.
Let's see your best dance moves, you guys.
Yes-- This is what happens.
Girls immediately grind on each other.
I hope your night ends in a really safe way.
I don't.
- Everybody hug me.
- Thank you.
Everybody in.
The best bachelorette party ever! Woo! Dan, you are the closest thing to a brother that I know.
Congrats, guys.
Uh, well, wait.
Thank you.
Um, okay, you can sit.
So, as you all know, I'm Amy.
And as I'm sure you also know, I'd like to do something a little more special than what we've been seeing so far tonight.
When I first met Becca, I was all, "What the hecka?" We'd go to a club together in all kinds of weather.
She slept with so many guys, I couldn't believe my eyes.
'Cause it was so many.
She once went black.
And we thought she'd never come back.
But then she met Dan.
He was a white man.
The only problem was that Dan and I once dated, a fact Becca always hated! But then they went to therapy.
And now they are so happ-y.
So let's raise a glass to the-- This wedding is slammin'! Okay, you guys, let's dance.
She never sticks the landing.
Is this Veuve-- What is it? Dom-- Slammin'.
And may God bless Rebecca's family, who are still trying to find the monster who killed their beautiful daughter.
Everyone wanted me to say a couple words, just-- Uh, I guess, uh, one of Rebecca's friends would like to say a few words.
Hey, guys, I'm Amy.
So I wrote something that I think expresses how we all feel.
Here goes.
Does this come out? - Yes.
- You don't care? Quite all right.
Rebecca has gone to a better place, and I already miss her face.
I'm sure whoever killed her has gone far away.
It would be best to stop looking and start a new day.
The saddest part is that Dan is now alone, but he should know that he can always call me on the phone.
So let's raise a glass to a beautiful lass.
Dan can also message me on Facebook and I put my number up on my Instagram.
Is this Veuve? Dom? Oh-- Is that okay? You're not answering my questions! Where were you on the night Rebecca was killed? So let's raise a glass If you do that one more time, I'm gonna lose my shit.
I didn't mean it.
I sincerely apologize.
And I swear I'm not guilty, you guys.
I'm freaking out.
Any last words? Rebecca's husband was never in love with her.
I hope I get a call from the governor.
So let's raise a glaaaaa sssssssss I'm sorry, I just couldn't take it anymore.
What women in here have been arrested? - Woo! - I have.
"Woo!" Did they take your bra? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, they took my bra.
They take your bra if you're a girl.
I know, you're scared, right? Why do you think they take your bra? - Weapon.
- To hang yourself.
Oh my God, that's so funny.
What a mixed bag.
Because, like, you, like, a sweetheart, sir, said, because you would hang yourself.
That's sweet.
That's the sweetheart answer.
You said you would use the wire to shiv someone.
Thank you.
Well, that's the right answer, it's 'cause they're scared you're gonna hang yourself, but the reason you want to is because your tits are sagging all over a jail cell.
Bobby, you are a comedian.
- You're my friend.
- Yes.
And you were also in juvie for a good amount of time, and rehab.
How did you wind up there? Unarmed robbery, malicious threats and trespassing, breaking probation.
It sounds like you're trying to remember the specials at a restaurant, but that's your rap sheet.
I robbed a pizza store.
- But I didn't-- - How? I was trying to hook up with this Italian girl that was in my history class.
There's a better way.
Maybe just like give her a valentine in February.
You said armed robbery.
- What did you have? - Unarmed.
- I didn't use any guns.
- I think you can just say robbery.
Yeah, I just took the money out of the register.
What did you threaten them with? We're gonna dump all this sauce out-- Did you just steal pizza? When we ran out, I tripped on the curb and I broke-- See that pinky? See how fat the one over here is? Yeah, it's not okay.
I break-- Two weeks later, the cops picked me up - and took me to jail.
- For that.
The mafia owned the pizza place.
- Wow.
- So the cops said, "I'm taking you to jail tonight to save your life, 'cause they're looking to break your legs.
" - This is like boring "Goodfellas".
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was awful.
And then I wound up in jail.
For not successfully stealing money and getting-- and beating the shit out of yourself.
Yeah, I hurt my-- I beat the shit out of my-- - I caught myself, yeah.
- No one hurt you.
- You hurt yourself.
- Yeah, basically.
And you go in and they make you do jumping jacks naked, which was weird.
No, that's fine.
I didn't even put a finger in my ass by that point in my life.
My asshole didn't even know-- Your asshole was just like an un-- It was like a snowflake.
You ever see those townhouse complexes when they open up and the pool and the bushes and then you go back around 30 years and it just looks like a broken down project-- The pool is now, like a garden.
I don't think that you excel at metaphors.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think you're a great comic, but, like, maybe just, like, - keep away from the metaphors.
- You sure? Your asshole is like a new townhouse? Was-- Was.
Now it's dead.
Why would he make you do jumping jacks naked? I didn't under-- I'm 13, like, what's gonna "fwip" out? Do you know how many words that you have made up that you try to incorporate into-- "Fwipped" is a word.
No, it's not.
- "Fwipped".
- "Fwipped"? - "Fwipped".
- What does it mean? It's "fwipped" it.
It's the same thing as flipped, but it's more interesting-er.
You said on stage, like, garbage? - You were calling it the barrel? - Yeah, it's a barrel.
I don't think anybody calls it that.
A barrel-- Everybody knows what a barrel is.
You think Crate & Barrel, people immediately-- It's Crate & Trash? Did you hurt people in juvie? I've gotten in a lot of fights, but I've been beat up way more than I beat people.
That was bad, I was scared in there.
I mean, there was this black guy with, like, a baby arm.
So a black guy, T-rex.
T-rex, I've never heard it called "T-rex.
" You've never heard it? If you have two baby arms? I mean, what? Have you ever been to the Museum of Natural History? What do you do-- I hope-- Do you do something bad-- What's your job? Public defendant.
What-- Public defendant-- fuck! Are there any assholes in here? I mean, this girl's like, I invented the soup kitchen.
I'm also doing God's work.
I'm gonna talk about my pussy for 30 to 40 minutes, so You're welcome.
I'm the guy in the office that's gonna, you know, go by his desk, just start twerking, you know, when the boss isn't around and (bleep) Coffee and chocolate are my number one and two.
(bleep) Those are my two vices.
Those two and "How I Met Your Mother.
" - Just give me a couple-- - Stop.
So, you have an iPad or anything? No? Boy, Steve Jobs would be broke if more people were like you, that's for sure.
I mean, he's dead now obviously, but I mean, you know.
(bleep) reminds me of Halloween.
I dressed like the bee from Blind Melon.
You know, I couldn't even barely fit in the Windstar.
So, um Cut! So easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR