Inside No. 9 (2014) s05e02 Episode Script

Death Be Not Proud

Are you allowed to do that? What do you mean? Put nails in the wall.
We can do what we like, babe.
We own it.
Oh, yeah.
I can't quite believe it.
I can't believe we got 100 grand off the asking price.
But, then again, under the circumstances Don't, Sam.
I don't want to think about it.
So does that make us grown-ups now? We'll be having dinner parties.
Talking about catchment areas next.
- Well, maybe we should.
- What? Might be nice to invite the neighbours round.
Have a bit of a flat warming.
- Nah.
- Why not? I don't want people treating it like a guided tour.
"Let's go and look round that serial killer's flat.
" Bea, it's not a serial killer's flat, OK? It was one dismembered body that they know of.
What?! I'm kidding! Look, it was a long time ago.
They replaced all the numbers, I'm sure no-one really remembers.
I'll remember it.
I'll remember it every time I'm in that bath where there's been a body chopped up.
Nah, they replaced the bath.
The agent said.
- Oh, and you now believe what estate agents say, do you? - I believe we've got a quarter of a million pound flat at half the price.
- What time are you back? - About half four.
I hate it when you work nights.
Yeah, me too.
That's when mistakes happen.
Like poor Mr Hargreaves last night.
They actually told me to prick his boil.
Sam! I'll see you later.
Oh, for God's sake.
Beattie, what's wrong? We need to move.
Yeah, that would be great.
Thank you.
Right, they're going to try and get in touch with the previous owner, see if he can shed any light.
Babe, I'm sure it's just because you're unsettled.
You know, thinking about the whole unpleasantness.
You are susceptible I know what I saw, Sam! I didn't put the Hoover on the table and you certainly didn't because you've never touched it in your life! Right, well, we've done what we can.
Ok? I'm tired.
I'm going to go for a shower.
And, uh, don't worry - if blood starts coming out of it, I promise we can move.
OK? Hello? Hello.
I'm David Sowerbutts, and I used to live here.
- Are you sure you don't want a cup of tea? - No, thank you.
Do you have a smoothie? No.
I haven't done a big shop yet.
Not long moved in, as you can see.
My mum used to make me smoothies with a machine.
A blender? No, her name was Maureen.
She used to live here, too.
These were her eyes.
Sorry? She used to dress up and do impressions.
Party nights, that sort of thing.
She used these for Tina Turner.
Well, it's very strange.
They've just appeared in the hallway.
I hate to ask, but did your mother pass away in this flat? She did, yes.
But I don't like to remember her that way.
I remember her being full of life.
We got on really well.
We were more than flatmates.
Well, you were mother and son.
Oh, yeah, that as well.
Is that all of it? I think it's dry now.
I know it is.
We took an interest in each other's hobbies.
Mum liked to play the Bontempi.
I liked learning about serial killers.
Did I meow like a cat when I was arrested? - No.
- Right, so I'm not Jeffrey Dahmer.
Your go.
Did I kill a family member? - Yep.
- Wife? Yeah, you're warm.
John Reginald Halliday Christie? No.
Dr Crippen.
I win.
Crippen's not a serial killer.
He only killed his wife.
It's nothing.
Yeah, don't be a bad loser, David.
You were close.
They've both got bald heads and round glasses.
Who was I, anyway? Ed Gein! I should have asked, "Did I dance around in the moonlight with a silver vagina on me face?"! She sounds .
She was.
We were very happy here.
But, then, one day, I found out she'd caught cancer.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, it's not your fault! She was very brave about it.
Now, I've cut you a little bit behind your ear, - but it'll scab over.
- Thanks, Mum.
You're going to have to learn how to do all these things for yourself when I'm gone.
- Don't say that.
- Well, you will.
What did your scoutmaster used to say to you? Don't tell anyone.
Yeah Not that.
Be prepared.
You need to be equipped with essential life skills.
I am! Left, right, stalagmites, stalactites, cos mites crawl up and tights hang down.
OK, that's good, but there are other things.
You've got to be able to feed yourself.
I'll have a flask of beans.
Oh, you need more than that.
I'll leave you my recipes.
You can do carbonara - which is spaghetti hoops in salad cream with a bag of Frazzles mixed in.
And, for pudding, you can have me New York cheesecake - Dairylea triangle on a digestive.
I don't want you to go.
I know you don't, David.
And I don't want to go.
Let's hope it's a long way off, eh? But it wasn't.
I wish I could kill Death.
Then he wouldn't be able to kill you.
You can't have a world without Death, David.
He finds you in the end.
"One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and death shall be no more.
Death, thou shalt die.
" Did you just make that up? No, John Donne.
It's "John did", David.
It's "John did".
Without Mum, things were harder than I thought.
She was right.
I wasn't equipped with many life skills.
But luckily I had a friend who came to look after me.
Hello, David.
I brought you a smoothie.
- Mango? - Yeah.
Thank you.
I met Emily at my job doing Murder Mystery Evenings.
We bonded over our shared passion for Jack the Ripper.
- Nichols, Tabram, Chapman - No, no, no.
Martha Tabram was not considered one of the canonical five! Oh, yeah.
So, Nichols, Chapman, NCSEK! Nichols, Chapman, Stride, Eddowes, Kelly NCSEK! That's it.
You are so clever, David.
Thank you.
I know, let's both say our favourite victim after three.
One two three Mary Kelly! I need a wee.
Would you like to come with me? Yes, please.
She encouraged me to make a fresh start and move on with my life.
I came to realise that, with Emily, I was filling a hole where Mum had been.
Excuse me, do you have any Wagon Wheels? No.
Well, it doesn't matter.
I just like them.
So did Emily move in here, then? Yes.
For a while, everything was fine, and then it all started to go wrong.
David? Just going to the shops.
Haven't seen my keys, have you? Agh! What's going on? Why have you got my mum's brooch? It was in my bag.
If you want to keep any of her things, I don't mind.
Not bothered.
Well, I noticed you brought that back.
I didn't.
It's OK, David.
I understand.
Your mother was a big part of your life.
I can see why you wouldn't want to let her go.
See you tonight.
What are you doing getting rid of all my things? Mum?! You know that blue cardie you got me for Mother's Day? It's currently in Wood Green Dogs Trust with a sticker on it for 30p.
How do you think that makes me feel? I'm sorry.
Emily said I should try to move on.
Never mind what Emily said.
I've seen what you get up to in here.
I'm disgusted with you.
What do you mean, you've seen us? Do you hide in a cupboard? I don't need to hide, do I? I'm beyond the veil! I can do this You've got superpowers! Could you go and watch the Queen doing a poo? Yeah, I have done.
She takes ages.
What's it like? The afterlife? Well, there's different areas.
It's like a cruise ship.
I haven't got access to what you'd call "the upper deck", but I'm telling you, David, it's much more fun down below.
What do you mean? I've met 'em all - Bundy, Chikatilo, Nilsen Jeffrey did his cat noises for me last night.
He's a scream.
I knew he would be! I can't wait to tell Emily.
You'll tell her nothing! She's a whore! She is my girlfriend and I love her very much.
- And do you trust her? - Yes.
Why? Cos I'm in this flat all day, David, and I see things.
You might want to come home early one day - say, Wednesday, two o'clock.
And while you're on it, why don't you ask her why she's got two mobile phones? What? Hello? Oh, hey, is Emily there? No, sorry.
Would you like to leave a mess? That must have been very scary.
It was.
But not as scary as what I saw on Wednesday at two o'clock.
If you want to lie back.
That's it.
Go on, have a little suck on that.
Ooh, you are a big boy, aren't you? That's it.
How does that feel? Nice and tight.
Emily?! David.
Why are you back so early? What's going on? Who are all these people? It's OK.
It's only David.
Me not like David! Want him to go! Robin?! What are you doing here? Me not Robin! Me Sally-Ann! Sally-Ann fwightened! Sally-Ann go poo-poo! No Sally-Ann, no poo-poos.
We've just changed your nappy.
Youyou play with this.
Just going to talk to David.
David, I know what this looks like.
It looks like you're having a sex game with our ex-boss! No, it's not a sex game.
They pay me to treat them like this.
Why? Well, I don't know.
But they just like being babified.
For me, it's the joy of going back to a simpler time.
A time when one had no responsibility.
And a few hours of being released from the stresses and strains of adulthood it does me the power of good.
It really is quite harmless, David.
Well, I think it's disgusting! I want you all to get out! Out, now! And you can take that with you! David, don't throw the babies out with the bathwater, please! Mum was right.
She told me you weren't to be trusted.
You are a whore! I was sorry to hear about your mother, David.
I only met her a couple of times, but she struck me as being a most formidable woman.
Wherever she is, I know she'd be very proud of you.
I am proud, David.
Very proud.
After I calmed down, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.
I'd forgotten to record Fred Dinenage's Murder Casebook.
As well as that, I'd upsetted Emily and that made me sad.
Please don't go! It's no good, David, you can't talk to me like that.
I know.
It It wasn't me! Who was it, then? Did a dog make you do it, like David Berkowitz? No, it was It was a mistake.
I'm sorry! I only didn't mention the job because I was embarrassed.
Well, you don't have to be embarrassed! I like babies.
So do I.
I'd like to have a baby.
Shall we make one? Yeah, all right.
But normal sized, though, and not with a beard.
All right.
I'll stay and have a baby with you.
But on one condition.
You've got to get rid of your mother.
What?! Oh, yeah, sorry.
I forgot to say.
When my mum died, I kept her body on ice in the bathtub.
I thought I could bring her back to life, but they haven't invented it yet.
The ice melted, andshe went a bit off.
Oh, God.
The next morning we gave Mum a proper send-off.
We took her to the recycling centre behind Shopping City in Wood Green.
We split her between garden waste, general rubbish and metal, on account of a, erm Then Emily and I set about making a baby together.
It was nice.
And a few months later, Baby John was born.
I loved him.
I wanted to be a better father to him than my father was to me.
September 30th 1888.
saw one of Jack's most audacious acts, known as The Double Event.
On this soggy, miserable night, he managed to slaughter two victims We even threw him a party to celebrate his birth.
Right, I'm going to introduce you now to Mr Bunny! Do you like, erm, rabbits, little, er What's his name? John.
John? That's imaginative.
You like rabbits, John? This is really hard for me, you know, with him being a baby.
Normally, they can reply and get a bit of banter going.
Anyway, your money.
Er, let's get this rabbit out, then, shall we? Come on, that's it, Mr Bunny, don't be shy.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
Stabbed it.
Yep, right in the eye.
Another one gone.
Er, I'm going to need a brick for that.
Finish it off later.
Anyway, do you like balloon animals? What's his favourite animal? - Monkey.
- No, fuck that.
He can have sausage dog, snake or giraffe.
Snake, please, Mr Jolly.
Jelly! Turns out we'd booked the wrong one.
Anyway, Emily got a new job working at an all-night chemist's.
Like Sam.
He works night shifts.
He should be back soon, actually.
Oh, I didn't mind.
It meant that I had more time with baby John.
We were so happy together.
Then she came back.
You're going to need more salt than that, David.
Mum? What are you doing back? I thought Thought you got rid of me? No, David.
I'm your mother.
Mothers don't leave their sons.
And speaking of whichwho's this? Baby John.
Baby John! He reminds me of you, David.
Big, fat, simple face and a stinky bum.
Butwe recycled you.
We laid you to rest.
Not quite.
You couldn't stop yourself, could you? You did an Edmund Kemper.
Kept your mother's head and bricked it up in the wall.
It was true.
I wanted her close by, so she could keep an eye on me.
It was a mistake.
You'll never guess who I met last night, David.
The Ripper? He don't like being called that, but, yeah.
And he's really nice.
- You know who he is? - Yeah.
I can't tell you, cos there are certain protocols, but, ha, you won't believe it.
- Is it Tumblety? - Not saying.
- It's not Clarence?! - I'm not telling you, David! But there is a way to find out.
What? Kill yourself.
Cut your wrists now, and in ten minutes I'll have you chatting away with Jack the Ripper, identity known.
- I can't! - Why not?! I've got to look after baby John.
Well, that's easily remedied.
Just kill the baby, David.
You'll do as you're told.
Kill that baby! - I don't want to.
- David, pick up that baby! Now bring it over to the stove and we're going to get it boiled.
I want Emily! She's not here.
I am.
Now drop it in.
David! David what are you doing?! Give him to me! It was Mum! She's come back She made me do it! Your mother is dead, David! Dead! Dead! Dead! Emily called the police and told them everything.
About Mum, the bath, the baby.
Nobody would believe me.
I got taken awayand I haven't seen them since.
But her head's still here, isn't it? That's why she's not at rest.
I came as soon as I heard.
I think you could be in danger.
I think you two have chatted long enough.
It's time to do a bad murder.
No, Mum.
I won't do it.
You can't make me.
I wasn't talking to you.
That's it, David.
It's all right.
We'll be together now.
Forever and everand ever Babe, are you up? How did you get on with Mr Sowerbutts? Bea? So, remember, I'm going to be back a bit late tonight, but I'll leave the radio on for you.
Keep you company.
See you later!
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