Inside No. 9 (2014) s05e03 Episode Script

Love's Great Adventure

1 BELLS CHIME seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12.
Excellent! Yes, you put your one in the tens and two in the unit Eh! Don't be teaching him the wrong method.
What d'you mean? Well, they don't do carrying over like we used to do.
They do traffic light method or something.
Don't you, darling? Do you have a traffic light method? Yeah! God, no-one told me! Yeah, well, I'm just saying - if you don't know what you're doing, don't confuse him, all right? God, I do know what I'm doing! WHISPERS: She's a bit mental.
CONNOR GIGGLES Hey, the pair of ya! Cheeky! Go on, you know this.
Right, come on, do this one in your traffic light method, then.
8 + 3.
8, 9, 10, 11.
Look at that! So clever.
Smart, ain't he? Yeah.
You've got my brain in there, that's for sure.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Connor, Mia, your breakfast is ready! Mia! What?! Breakfast! Just said I'm coming! Honestly Right, I'm off.
All right, lovey.
You have a nice day, won't ya? Oh, and please will you bring me some carrots back? Just normal carrots? Yes, normal carrots! What other carrots are there? Bye, Connor! Bye, Mia! MIA: What? I said, "Bye!" Don't be late for school! I said I'm coming! Mia! MIA: What do you want, Dad? I'm having a wee! Stop it.
Love you! Come here.
I love you.
You too.
Have a lovely day.
See you later.
Bye, lovey.
Mia! Oh, Mum, can I get this dress for prom, please? It's lovely.
Yeah, that's nice, that.
Do you like it? Yeah.
Can I get it? Please? £40? No chance! It's not £40, it's 38.
Oh, what, on one dress? No, sorry.
Well, I know what, what if I get it for my Christmas box or something? Oh, er, Mia, you've got loads of dresses.
You don't need another new dress.
Mum, I've got loads of dresses, but they don't fit me! SIGHS Please, Mum? Look, no.
Mum, please? I've said no! Oh, whatever, then! Mia, don't walk away! Yeah, I'm walking away.
What do you want me to wear, Mum?! Mia! What flavour is that ice cream? Grandma's knickers.
Oh, you're laughing! No, I didn't! You are! I didn't.
Yeah, you are! You are.
You are.
I'm not.
Let somebody else have a turn.
Right, go on.
Go on.
Right, Mia.
Simple question.
What's white and pink with a big brown stripe? Connor, right, you do one on Grandma.
What do you keep under your bed? LAUGHING: Grandma's knickers.
Grandma's knickers.
You're laughing! I'm not! You are! You are! You are! I'm not! What do you brush your teeth with? Grandma's knickers.
What do you floss your teeth with? Ooh! Right, enough now.
This floss? Eat your ice cream! With a straight face.
Show Grandad your straight face! Ooh! Poker face! Woo-hoo! You go! Oh, yeah, sorry, um Yeah, I was hoping someone could help me with my pay monthly.
I was I was wanting to skip a payment and then Yeah, it's, er, Trevor Morbury.
Yeah, no, I appreciate that.
Um, but obviously with Christmas coming up, it's it would be a very handy thing if I was able to, er Yeah, no, I've done it in the past and I know that it's been, er it's been something that you've been able to help me with, and I've paid double the next month, so is that? CONNOR: Grandma, there was an alien crash at school.
Oh, was there? Well, I want you to go and wash your hands, cos there's a bug going round that school.
Go on.
And the teachers .
found these little aliens and they were really slimy.
Was it? Was that scary? CONNOR'S SPEECH MUFFLED I asked her to take stuff! Have you washed them? Yeah.
Good boy.
I made this car card for Dad.
Oh, let's have a look.
Brilliant! But I couldn't find any stars, so I just did a round circle for for for a star.
Oh, it's absolutely brilliant, Connor.
He's gonna love that! Is Dad coming home for Christmas? Oh, well, do you know? We don't know yet, sweetheart.
We hope he is.
Right, why don't you go and get your coat off, and your shoes, eh? Go and put them away, and I'll get your tea on.
Do you want some spaghetti hoops? Yes, please! Right, go on, then.
JULIA: Hiya! Hiya, Mum, are you all right? Hiya.
Hey, how'd she get on? Yeah, very good.
I weren't very good.
She was! She got a bit flustered at that roundabout, but, er Can't get me head round the gears.
I can't work it.
Can't do it.
Ah, it's a really hard roundabout, that one, in't it? Yeah.
It was heaving in town, weren't it? Yeah, it was, actually.
Everybody's gonna be doing their big shop about now, aren't they? People go mad, though, don't they? Yeah, they do.
Thanks, Uncle Al.
Yeah, I'll see you next Saturday.
We'll have one last go-through, and then, er, you're all set for the big day.
Yeah? All right, yeah.
Thanks, Uncle Al.
See ya.
There you are, thanks.
Thank you.
Go on, then.
Is she crap? No, she's She gets a bit jittery, that's all.
She'll be all right.
SHE CLEARS THROA You heard from your Patrick at all? No.
We don't know what's happening.
Well, he'll be right.
Right, I'll see you on Saturday.
And don't be worrying about her.
All right.
All right, see ya later.
Thanks, Al.
Ta-ra, love.
SNIFFLES Is it hurting when I'm pressing down? Ow! GASPS LAUGHING: I'm kidding! My heart went! Your face! What are you doing anyway? Oh, just maths.
And did, um, did Mum say anything to you about a prom dress I was asking her about the other day? I just showed her in a magazine the other night.
She did, yeah.
You had a bit of a to-do over it, didn't you? Yeah.
I don't want it.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I actually don't want it.
I was just wondering if she'd said anything to you, that's all.
You know, we've got you a really good Christmas box and everything.
I know, thanks, Dad.
Lots of nice smellies and Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I don't I don't need it, to be fair.
I'm just gonna borrow summat off one of the girls or Do you want a brew? Er, yeah, all right.
Thank you, love.
That's it.
You're very good at this.
But not too much, remember, cos do you remember what happens? Oh, yeah.
Go on.
It leaks everywhere.
DOORBELL RINGS It leaks everywhere when it's in the oven, right.
You can put that lid on there.
Won't be a sec.
Don't put any of that in your mouth, cos it'll make you feel sick.
On which one? Put the lid on the top of that one there.
This one? Yeah.
CAROLLERS SING I'll just get you some money.
I won't be a sec.
Just one second.
We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year Connor, quick! Come and have a look.
It's carol singers.
Right, you go and listen at the door.
Don't move from that door.
We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year Good tidings we bring JULIA: Are you for real?! TREVOR: Yeah, I'll pay it back.
When?! When?! You're off work until Christmas with your flaming arm! I'll ask me brother! Ha! Don't make me laugh! Him?! He's tighter than two coats of paint! Don't start.
He charges his own niece for driving lessons.
Well, it's his job.
What do you want him to do? Do it for free? Yes, I do! I bloody do, Trevor! He knows how hard we struggle! I've been scrubbing toilets in that school every morning since March! All right.
I'm sorry.
I will sort it out.
I'm very, very sorry, OK? Right, good for you.
Good for you.
I'm glad you're sorry.
What am I gonna tell that little lad down there, eh? "Sorry, Christmas is cancelled cos Grandad spent all your present money!" He doesn't need more.
He's got all them presents.
He doesn't need everything! Don't be so bloody stupid! He's six! He's six.
All right, well, we'll get him bloody It's not his fault.
I know it's not his fault! It's my fault, and I've told ya, I will pay it back! Just gimme more time.
How many times have you got? What happened, you fell off a ladder? No, I got knocked off.
You daft sod.
How? Who by? There's this new lad at work.
He comes barging in cos he was late for lunch.
He sent me flying.
Well, you should sue him.
I would.
We all know you would.
It's not my fault that Pizza Express don't take the stones out of the olives.
Charity begins at home, you know.
Are you two just gonna sit there drinking your friggin' brews while I drag this tree in by meself? Oh, sorry, Jules.
"Oh, sorry, Jules.
" I'll shove a broom up my arse as well while I'm at it, shall I? Sweep up all the pine needles! Sorry, love.
Yeah, sorry, my arse.
MOUTHS: What? Right, come on, then.
TREVOR: We don't need all this! Don't forget this one.
I do! It's for Christmas! It's for one meal! I got carrots the other day! We don't We need more carrots.
You got four bags! Go on, put the tangerines away first off.
I want you to put them in the bottom cupboard down there.
They're not for eating.
What do you mean, they're not for eating? They're for Christmas! Do as you're told.
Put them in the bottom cupboard.
Are you having a laugh? It is Christmas.
Oh, um, Becky said she saw Patrick at the stag.
You never told us.
I'm telling you now.
And what did she say? Did he look all right? Yeah, fine.
I think she just said he was eating chips or something.
Oh! Well, that's all right, isn't it? Yeah, mm.
He could do with putting a bit of weight on, couldn't he? Oh, Mum, who has Brazil nuts? We have Brazil nuts.
It's Christmas.
I might have, um I might have a bit of a drive over there later.
You know, see if I can see him.
Oh, Mum! Don't, Jules! I won't mither him.
Seriously, don't.
If he wants to come, he'll come.
All right? Mum, just don't.
Just leave it.
Promise me? All right.
You know what happened last time.
Has work said anything about compensation for your accident? No, they've not said anything yet.
It'll be all right, you know? It will.
Oh, Trevor, come here.
PLAYS GOOD KING WENCESLAS Oh, for God's sake! I'm taking t'batteries out.
You are not taking the batteries out! I am! Oh, don't, I love it! Oh, great, they're here.
Ssh! DOOR CLOSES Hey! Hiya.
Go on, then, how did ya get on? Oh, it doesn't matter, darling.
You can try again next year.
I passed! With flying colours! Yeah, yeah, come here! Congratulations! That's amazing! Well done! Ah, well done, Mia.
Give me a hug.
Well done.
I'm so proud of you! Go on, Connor, under there.
You're making it worse! Under there.
That's it, that's it.
No, you've twisted it now.
Go back that way.
Give this back.
Hang on.
Hang on.
But you are making it worse.
No, no, no, I've got it, I've got it.
Let him step over there.
That's stupid! Please, Dad! Dad, they're different.
All right, now, if you put your hands up, Jules.
Just put them both up.
For God's sakes! Right, cos it's tickle time! HE LAUGHS You daft sod! Dad! Hey, you! Hey, my little monster! I've missed you, kid! There was an alien crash at school! Was there? And, and An alien crash! And what happened there? And the teacher found little slimy aliens! Did he? This is a really nice surprise.
Are you stopping? Well, I would like to.
Of course you can, you daft thing! Come on, get your coat off.
Let him get in first, for God's sake! Sorry, do you want a drink or anything? Why didn't you ring us? Just, er, I lost my phone, Dad.
I'm, er I'm sorry.
Hey, don't be daft! I'm glad you've come.
Go on, take your coat off.
Hey, your sister's got some good news.
Oh, aye, what's that? Passed me driving test.
Hey, congratulations, you.
I'll have to look out now when I'm crossing road.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, what's this, kid? A telegram from the Pope? What's this? Your first miracle.
I made it for you.
You made me this? Yeah.
No, you never! I made the tree out of glitter glue.
Did ya? This is absolutely fantastic.
Thank you, Mum.
What have you put in this? It's tinned tomato soup.
You all right? Mum, is there any hot water? Cos I wanna have a bath before tonight.
Where you going? Got my Christmas prom.
Oh, you've got your eye on someone, have you? No! Thanks.
Oh, er, Mia.
What was I gonna say? I was gonna tell you something.
What was it? Oh, yeah.
What's this? Oh, it's an early Christmas present.
It's just to say well done for passing your driving test.
What is it? It's for tonight.
It's for tonight? Oh, my God, Mum, you didn't? Just open it! Oh, Mum! I, um I tried to copy the pattern.
Look, all the sequins, they're all in the same place.
A little bit of ribbon, there, on it, look.
It's lovely.
Do you like it? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's lovely.
Um Oh, you don't like it.
No, no, I do like it, Mum, I just, um I was talking to Michelle earlier and I've just got it in me head what I'm gonna wear.
Oh, it's fine.
No, Mum.
Honestly, it's fine.
No, Mum, I was just saying to Michelle, I've got it in It'll probably want altering anyway.
That's-that's so nice.
I just Go and get ready, you.
Go on.
I'll put the immersion on.
You go and get a bath.
Thanks, Mum.
You're welcome, sweetheart.
Where you going? Just going out.
Put that in the oven for us, keep it warm, Mum.
Well, before the weekend.
Well, have you got one? OK, well, good.
And how much? Right.
Yeah, let us know, then.
I'll let you get on with it.
Yep, see you later.
Right, he says, er, he's gonna try and have it done by the weekend, but he can't promise anything.
Oh, thanks, Al.
Gonna need a cowl panel replaced and a new windscreen.
Oh, bloody hell! Don't tell Trevor, will ya? No, no.
My lips are sealed.
Thought it'd be bloody Mia having a prang, not you.
Well, go on, then.
Dare I ask - how much is it gonna cost me? Nothing.
How come? Just see it as a Christmas present.
What do you mean? Because I've been thinking about all that bloody money I took for Mia's driving lessons.
Ah, don't be silly.
It was unreasonable of me.
It was, Jules.
This is on me, please.
No arguments.
Aww, thank you, Alex.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
You've got to look after family, haven't ya? Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
PATRICK: OK, so open this one.
It's Rudolph! It is, yeah, Rudolph.
Rudolph and his big shiny nose, eh? Bit like yours.
Honk! Wow! Why didn't you open this one, mate? We must have forgot.
I-I think it was when we had to go pick Grandpa up from hospital.
Patrick? What-what you doing? All right, Dad? Um I-I just came to see if you were in.
Well, I've been at work.
What were you doing with that tin? What tin? Oh, please, Patrick! No, listen, I've gotta go.
Listen, listen, listen! Hey, hey, hey, listen! What? Listen, if you want cash, I'll go and get you cash! Right, I don't need any cash off ya.
I don't need anything, right? So just fucking leave me alone and fuck off! What, you're not gonna wait until at least fucking Connor comes home, eh? What, so you can humiliate me in front of him again? No, he No, listen to me.
You make me feel that fucking big in front of my own son every time I see him, Dad.
Every time I see him, you make me feel that big.
He wants to see you! We want him to see you! We want you to have contact! You've not seen him in weeks! You've more or less poisoned him against me, Dad! Oh, don't talk wet! You have! It's like he doesn't even know me.
Rubbish! You and that stupid bitch of a mother.
Hey, hey! Don't you dare talk about your mother like that, all right? Don't you fucking dare! I need m I need money too, you know! Oh, so you can put that crap in your arm, dickhead?! You don't fucking change! Hey, hey, hey! Never change, do you? You're not havin' that fucking money, Patrick.
Shut the You're not taking that money! Get off me, you fucking knobhead.
Get off me! Argh! Argh! Get off me! YELPS AND GROANS CONNOR: Can I open it now? Please, Dad? Um Yeah.
Yeah, course you can, lad.
Yeah, go on.
FLICKS LIGHTER SNIFFLES What's up? I shouldn't have came here, Dad.
Why? Course you should.
This is You know, this is your home, Patrick.
I'm glad you came.
You know, whatever's happened, whatever's gone on in the past, well .
it's dealt with, so forget about it.
Well, I can't forget about it, can I? Look, what you do .
it's an illness.
SNIFFLES OK? It's not your fault.
You're sick.
OK? Does, um Does Mum know? What, about? About your arm.
Well, you know what your mother's like.
She don't know if it's New Year or New York.
I don't want her to know either, OK? Well, the thing is, Dad, um .
I've borrowed some money from from these people, and and what they've done is that they've passed the debt on to someone else, and now I owe loads more to this this other fella.
What fella? What's his name? You don't You don't wanna know, Dad.
He's a right evil bastard.
SIGHS Oh, Patrick.
Well, how much do you owe him? I can't say.
I, um I saw him I saw him the other day, and he said that he's, um He said that he's gonna he's gonna come after me and, er I don't know what he's gonna do, Dad.
Has he Has he said? Like, does he know where you're? Does he know you're here? Yeah, I-I dunno.
Like, I shouldn't I shouldn't stay.
I didn't I didn't wanna, you know, drag you into this.
Hey, Patrick, Patrick! Ssh! Listen, listen.
We are your parents.
You're our son.
So we are in it, right? Whatever's gone on, we'll deal with it together.
I promise you, we'll deal with it.
Listen! Dad, I didn't wanna I don't wanna be like this, honestly! Hey, stop it, listen.
He can't take what we haven't got, can he? And we've got fuck all.
PATRICK SOBS I'm so sorry, Dad.
It's all right.
Listen, come here.
Hey, ssh, come here.
Don't be daft.
BOTTLES CLINKING DOG BARKS TREE PLAYS GOOD KING WENCESLAS Oh, shit! Connor, see if you can get your dad out on Grandma's Knickers.
Yeah, go on.
Go on, mate.
What's the crown made out of when you pull a cracker? Grandma's knickers.
Ooh! Mia now.
Ooh, he's a cool customer! Mia, go on.
Go on, see if you can crack him.
Crack him, right, OK.
Er What do you blow your nose with when you've got a cold? Grandma's knickers.
JULIA AND TREVOR: Ooh! You're smiling! I'm not smiling! You are! You're smirking! Hey, if you wanna smirk, go outside.
LAUGHTER Patrick, I've got one.
Right, listen.
Ssh! Right, go on.
Um, you know when you go upstairs to your room and you put your special websites on your computer.
Oh, Trevor! What do you put over your face? Oh, for God's sakes! LAUGHING: Grandma's knickers.
Honestly! What websites? Don't listen to him! Well, it worked! I don't care! It's not right.
Ignore him.
Every time Just silly, just silly.
What website? POUNDING ON DOOR Who's that? God, who's that at this time of night? Right, er, Connor, I think it's your bedtime now.
So, Jules, will you take him up, please? Yeah? OK.
Right, go upstairs, please.
Come on! All right, Trevor, don't shout.
I'm not shouting at him, you just need to go.
Mia, you too.
Please, don't shout! I'm not shouting at him! Stop! Come with me.
Come on, sweetheart.
Patrick, come here.
Get out of the way.
Come on, let's go and get your jimjams on.
KNOCKING CONTINUES Now you stop here, OK? All right.
All right? And don't say anything.
Stop here.
DOOR OPENS TREVOR: Yeah, can I help you at all? Yeah, we're looking for Patrick Morbury.
Is he in? Er, he is, yeah.
One second.
Can you just wait there a second? Patrick? Yeah? Right, just come here a sec.
Who is it? It's all right.
Just come here.
You all right? SIGHS Yeah.
I miss Sandra.
I know I don't go on about it, but .
I really miss her.
It's four Christmases now.
Makes me sad.
SOBS Hey, come here.
Come here! Stop it! Hey? You know you're always welcome here, don't you? I know.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, God! CLEARS THROAT You all right? Yeah, I'm done, I'm done.
SLURPS What was this your Mia was saying about a copper coming round? Oh, God, yeah.
Two of 'em.
They, er, they wanted to speak to our Patrick about this loan shark that's been threatening him.
Right, what did they say? Well, he got knocked down last Tuesday.
Hit and run, apparently.
Bloody hell.
Did he die? I dunno, he's in intensive care.
Well, good riddance.
Good riddance.
Bloody hell, look at that lot, eh? We've not done so bad considering I spent all the Christmas money.
You can stop lying now.
Patrick told me what happened.
Sorry, Jules.
I should have told ya, but SIGHS .
I didn't want to upset ya.
It's fine.
He loves you, you know? I know.
It's nice having him back, isn't it? Yeah.
For now.
He'll be off again, though, won't he, by New Year? Well, let's just take it one day at a time, eh? Yep, keep plodding on.
CHUCKLES Plodding on.
Right, well, I think we'd better take these through, eh? And shall we go to bed? Yeah, I'm shattered.
I do love you, Jules.
I love you, Trev.

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