Inside No. 9 (2014) s07e04 Episode Script

Kid/Nap

See you later, babe.
Have you got Pilates today? No, got to wait in for the postman.
Got a package coming, apparently.
Sounds great.
Have a good time.
I wonder what it could be.
- Hello, are you Lara Grant? - Yes.
Do you? Want a glass of water? Sorry? Do you want a glass of water? The instructions said you might have a headache.
Yes, please.
Drink up.
Where am I? No questions.
- Please, what is this about? - What do you want? Stoptalking! I'm sorry, but I've already heard your voice, you know.
You don't have to use that toy.
Oh, yeah.
And I've seen your face.
Well, I couldn't wear a mask as a postman, could I? You know, I might've scared you.
Well, besides, the instructions said you might have memory loss from the dichloromethane.
Well, I don't know what to do now.
Well, II don't recall your features, if that's any help.
I just remember, like, a round blob.
- Round blob? - I couldn't pick you out from a line-up.
Sorry, are you telling me to keep the mask on or to take it off? I'm confused.
I don't mind, but I won't say anything to anybody, I promise.
Oh, I know you won't.
I'll make sure of that.
Now, you keep quiet for a few minutes.
Ssh Come on.
Lara, I'm really pushed for time at the moment, so keep it quick, yeah? Dom, listen, you've got to help me.
I've been kidnapped.
What? Dom, I've been kidnapped.
You're gonna have to speak up.
- I can't hear you.
- The postman kidnapped me.
Iced macchiato, at least three shots.
Hello? Babe, is that you again? Who? Well, come on, spit it out.
What do you want? I'm short for time.
I have your wife.
She's tied up.
Lara, you know I can't do phone sex.
I'm in an open-plan office.
I said I have your wife.
What are you talking about? Listen very carefully.
Will you stop putting on that stupid fucking voice? - It's really irritating - Fucking listen to me! Who is this? What do you want? You need to make available ?1.
3 million from your business reserve account and await further instructions.
Failure to do so will lead to the death of your wife.
OK.
Is that clear? What are you talking about? I just spoke to my wife.
She's at home.
- Come on.
- Huh? She's waiting in for a package.
Oh, wait, are you the postman? - Dom! - Yeah, where exactly are you? Cos I just had a very strange call from someone saying you've been kidnapped.
Yes! That's what I was trying to tell you.
You've got to do exactly what they say Please! Oh! Lara? You shouldn't have done that.
What time is it? Half past 11.
So we've been here three hours? Correct.
Is this your actual house? It is not.
Are you sure? Oh, definitely.
So that's a yes? No.
Oh, bollocks.
You tricked me! Y All right, then, let me do you.
- Is your name Lara? - That's right.
- Is your husband rich? - He is.
- Does he love you? - I believe so.
Does he love you more than he loves money? Well, we'll see, won't we? Why aren't you wearing your mask? You're not meant to be here.
What happened? I'm here now.
Are you gonna let me in or what? Yes.
Did you call the husband? I have.
And? What did he say? Did he agree? Hedid not.
Did you tell him not to call the police? That dialogue wasomitted.
What do you mean, omitted? What are you talking like that for? Yeah, sorry, we've been playing the yes/no game.
You've been playingplaying games? Well, it's something to do.
You haven't touched her, have you? No.
Well, not really.
She needed the toilet, so I made her go in a washing-up bowl.
I had to pull her jeans down, but I used the oven gloves, so it didn't count.
Don't go getting too close to her, all right? You know what you've got to do at the end of all this.
Yeah.
Right.
Put your mask on.
No, it's OK, she's seen my face.
Fucking hell.
Right.
I understand you've been playing the yes/no game with my halfwit colleague.
Well, it's my turn now.
Yes, we're waiting for? 1.
3 million ransom from your hedge-fund prick of a husband.
No, we won't compromise on the amount.
Yes, I will kill you if he doesn't comply.
And no, we're not playing games any more.
You'd have been out ages ago.
Shut up.
How long have you given him to get the money? - Cos he may not be able - Not my problem.
Did he buy you those earrings? - Sorry.
What? - The earrings you're wearing would he recognise them if he saw them again? UmI-I think so.
- Good.
- You want me to take 'em out? No need.
I'm gonna snip her lobes off.
What? Courier them to the office, and then he'll know we mean business.
Mr.
Ball, get down to the corner shop and buy us some sandwich bags.
Who's Mr.
Ball? Oh, er, will do, Mr.
Barrow.
- Farrow.
- Farrow.
Do you want anything? Packet of crisps? Bounty? Oh, do you think they do contactless? - Just go! - Yeah.
Farrow and Ball? Seriously? It's all I could think of.
Nearly went for Cannon and Ball.
- How are you? - Oh, sore! Oh, tight.
I'll undo you, pet.
- No, no, no, it's got to look real! - Yeah, yeah, just for a minute.
You can show me what Shane did with that oven glove.
Clifford! Did you manage to call your husband? Yes, I rang him in a panic and asked him to comply.
Very good.
Did you sort everything out with the pilot? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everything's in hand.
Come on.
Come here.
All right, it's Dominic.
Shall we see what he wants to say? Yes? Hi, this is Dominic Grant, Wood Grange Capital.
I don't give a fuck who you work for.
Sorry, sorry, it's just force of habit.
Who am I speaking to, please? You can call me Mr.
Cannon.
Is anybody listening to this call? Oh, no, no, no, not surrounded by police or anything.
Just me on my own.
So, I managed to get that money that you asked for.
I was just wondering if I could get assurances that my wife is still safe.
Would it be possible to speak to her? As far as I remember, we're in charge of this situation, so, no, it's not possible.
I'm gonna send you over an account number, sort code, and IBAN, and you can transfer the funds.
You've got two hours.
Mr.
Cannon, please, understand this from my perspective.
You're asking me to shell out all this money, sight unseen.
I mean, you don't spend upwards of one mill for an Aston Martin One-77 without taking her out for a spin first.
You want to check that the engine is running smoothly and that the bodywork is still intact and that the heart is beating and that she is still alive.
All right, make it quick.
I'm sure you and your friends are trying to triangulate the conversation.
You've got 17 seconds.
Dominic? is that really you? Yes.
Try to stay calm.
Are you all right, babe? I'm frightened.
It's so cold.
I'm scared they'll do things to me, again.
What things? Tell me where you are.
I don't know.
They put a blindfold on me.
Oh, just do exactly as they say, darling, please.
I will, I will.
I just I hate hearing you like this.
You sound awful.
It's my scared voice! You've never heard it before.
Oh! He's coming! He's gonna hurt me.
No, no! So now what do we do? Now we wait for him to send the money.
I don't actually have to send the money, do I? He won't want to send it.
I hope not.
Depends on the trace.
Well, let's hope he does, cos those ears are getting snipped otherwise.
He's sent the account details through.
Shit.
It serves him right anyway.
It would've been cheaper for him if he'd divorced me when I asked him to.
Yeah, but what about when the lawyers found out you're having an affair with a much more attractive, charismatic, intelligent man? Who are you talking about now? Cheeky.
Listen, has it been all right with Shane? He didn't hurt you or anything, did he? Yes, he did.
You didn't tell me he was gonna use chloroform.
Well, you said the less you know, the better, right? Where did you find him? He's a drinking buddy of my cousin's from his Army days.
Wants to be a pastry chef, but he mostly breaks people's legs for money.
Are you not worried he's gonna track us down when he finds out we haven't paid him? He'll get cross, yeah.
But he's not gonna find us, is he? Cos he hasn't got a passport.
I checked.
And he's not gonna go to the police.
Right? Ooh, get you, all ruthless.
You almost sound as horrible as Dominic.
Maybe I'm your type.
Oh, shit.
Er - Hit me! - What? Make it look like you're escaping or something.
What are you doing? Stay back.
Don't come any closer or I'll rip his fucking throat out.
All right! Steady on.
Let my friend go.
No.
Put your gun down first.
Do what she says, Shane.
- Mr.
Ball.
- Mr.
Ball, sorry.
What are you doing bringing a gun? Got to protect myself.
Be ready for all eventualities.
Stop talking.
Now move your arse away from the door and you are gonna let me go.
No.
Can I just ask what exactly you're trying to achieve at this point? Cosremember, this is not, you know, exactly what my colleague and I had planned.
Exactly! We have a plan! Oh, yes.
Sorry.
I got a bit carried away.
Right.
I'm gonna put these down, OK? I suppose you're gonna tie me up again.
Maybe not quite so tight this time.
Hey, hey, hey MrMr.
Ball, I think it might be best if you give me the gun.
I can't do that, I'm afraid.
Now, remember, we said no weapons.
This is a tool.
I am the weapon.
We don't want an accident, do we? So just, come on, hand it over.
- No! - Hand it over! I'm in charge of this operation and I give the orders, and I command you Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
Clifford! Oh, my God! Clifford! Get back, get back! What have you done? I warned him.
He shouldn't have grabbed my tool.
He's dead.
Shit and piss, it's all my fault.
What are you so bothered about? I mean, his plan was to kill you, you know.
He was never gonna let you go! Oh, my love, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Look, it's all right, you're just suffering from the Stockport Syndrome.
You'd probably feel the same way about me if I died.
Of course I wouldn't, you stupid fucking idiot! I'm not an idiot! You! No! Get here Here.
Get back in here.
Get in that chair! Sit down! Give me your hands! Got to stick to the plan.
Eh? It's what Mr.
Farrow would've wanted.
Great! Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.
Lauradale Road.
OK, seal off the area, see if you can narrow it down to which house the shot came from.
Mr.
Grant, can you try your wife's phone again? Yeah, with you in two minutes.
Now! What do I say? There's been a gunshot heard in the area.
Gunshot?! Just make sure your wife is OK.
What is it? Er, am I speaking to Mr.
Cannon? Do you mean Mr.
Farrow? - Er, possibly, er - What do you want? Well, we're just checking in to see if my wife is still alive.
- Is it possible to speak to? - Where's the money? The money is, er, on its way, I can assure you.
I'm just leveraging some assets at the moment can't really go into de He's gone.
All right, what do I do? Stick to the plan.
First things firstlet's cut your ears off.
Shane, no, no, listen.
Listen to me.
Stop.
Stop.
You don't understand.
This whole thing was a set-up.
I arranged it all with Cliff.
You're lying.
No, I'm not, I'm not.
Dominic wouldn't divorce me, so this was a last resort.
I was gonna start a new life with Cliff.
We were lovers.
You've got to believe me, please! I've got my instructions.
Take the wife, clip her ears off, get the money, kill the wife.
Yes, that's what I told him to say! It was all my plan.
Good, let's get on with it.
No, no, no! Please, stop! No, no.
There's a private jet waiting outside, new identities.
It doesn't all have to go to waste! No! Can you confirm these belong to your wife? Do you mean the ears or the earrings? Both.
Yeah, I remember my PA picking them out a couple of Christmases ago.
Do you think she'll be all right? I hope so.
What's clear is our Mr.
Cannon, or Farrow, or whoever he is, is deadly serious.
The fact that he's mutilated your wife is a strong indicator he's not afraid of taking this to the endgame.
What's this? He's requested the bank transfer be actioned by you within the next 20 minutes.
- OK.
- And he wants you to do it in person.
- What? - You'll be wearing an earpiece and a wire, so we'll be able to communicate with you at all times.
The kidnapper's given us his exact location and agreed you can wear this protective gear, but if you feel you or your wife are in imminent danger, I want you to use the safe word "granola granola", and I'll send the team in right away.
"Granola granola"? How am I expected to slip that into conversation? It's hard enough saying it once.
He's also requested that a car be left outside with its engine running.
As soon as he attempts an escape, I'm gonna send the team straight in to give your wife the medical attention she needs.
Now, it's your call, Dominic.
I know it's a lot to ask.
I've sweet-talked the Chinese into tripling their investment, I've negotiated myself a six-figure bonus, and this morning I scored 2.
5K on Clash Of Clans.
I can do this.
Good man.
What a tosspot.
Confirmed getaway car in place.
Touch your head if you can hear me.
Good.
Now remember, just do everything they tell you.
I'll be listening.
Hands up.
Hands up! In.
In! Go.
Go! Darling! Oh, thank God.
Everything's gonna be all right.
I'm here now.
Take the helmet off.
Tell him it's for your own protection.
It's for your own protection.
What? No, my protection.
Sorry.
Do you need me to change all the possessive pronouns? No, no, I get it now.
Take it off! Make the transfer.
Right, you started out with an opening bid of 1.
3 mill.
Since then, we've had the ears off and a lot of distress to myself and my wife, so I was wondering how you felt about rounding that figure down to 850.
I think it's a fair price damaged goods and all that.
Stop haggling.
Yes, I'm sorry, it's just I know I'd kick myself if I didn't try.
Get on with it! Absolutely, yes.
OK, let's do this.
Er Enter amount.
1.
3 million pounds.
Gosh.
Worth every penny.
Don't regret it at all.
And that is done.
There.
He's done as you said.
It's sent.
Now please just let us go.
Not yet.
I need confirmation from my bank.
Try to stay calm, Dominic.
You're doing really well.
You'll never get away with this, you know.
Won't I? My husband works for very powerful people and they will track you down wherever you are.
Won't they, darling? See, he's nodding his head.
They'll never find me.
There's a car waiting outside to take me to Tilbury Docks.
- Get a team to Tilbury, now.
Now! - Right.
I'll be long gone by then, so just keep out of it, bitch.
How dare you?! Ow! Now I'm gonna go to the kitchen and make a call.
Don't move.
Dominic, quick.
Now's our chance.
Untie me, and we can use his car to get away.
Dominic, that's a good idea.
If you think you've got time, go now.
We'll clear a way.
I'm so sorry, darling.
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
Get her out of there, quick! Well done, Dominic.
SCO19, strike, strike, strike! Armed police! Nobody move! Armed police! Stay where you are! Do not move.
Who the hell is that? Guv! Dominic? What? What the hell happened? What happened? Granola granola! Granola granola! I told you I had a plan, didn't I? Do you want to know where we're flying off to? I'm all ears.

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