Intelligence (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Mary, boardroom now.
Jerry, Joseph.
Quickly.
We haven't got long.
Whenever you're ready, gentlemen.
So, how's everyone doing, huh?
Are we all OK?
Wow, you're tight.
Chris, can we get some bagels
and maybe some pastries?
Also, I'd love a little pot of honey
and some pasta arrabiata.
Do you want another coffee?
No, I'd better not.
OK, so first of all,
I would just like
to thank all of you
for staying through the night.
No, I love it like this.
You know, some of the best decisions
I've ever made were at night.
Let's do this.
I will have some coffee.
Sit. OK, so, as you are aware,
currently,
all key NHS systems are down
as a result
of what Tuva has identified
as a polymorphic virus. Tuva.
It's polymorphic virus.
Thank you.
In short, we have detected
the destructive subsection
of malware
which has infiltrated
the entire NHS network,
preventing all doctors and nurses
from accessing patient records
across the country.
Just as a little tip,
you might want to take a breath
every now and then.
So, how big a deal is this,
I mean, really?
Huge.
Approximately one-in-three Britons
uses the NHS every day.
In five hours, it'll be chaos.
Well, I mean,
if it's just three people,
I could probably treat them myself.
I said, one-in-three.
Well, even so,
why are those same people
using the NHS every day?
See, that's the problem
with free health care.
Boom, mic drop.
If this gets out,
there will be mass panic.
Mary, what's the variance analysis?
Well, there's good news
and bad news.
Which would you like first?
I don't care.
The good news.
No, you should always
deliver the good news first.
That way there's a chance
that the person
might not even hear the bad news.
I completely agree with that,
actually.
I was once singing Happy Birthday
at a friend's party so loud
no-one even heard
that the building was on fire.
Is that what you meant?
Nope.
Nope.
Mary, please continue.
We are on a ticking clock here.
OK, so, the good news is
that the virus
is definitely running
from a single source,
and I've managed to narrow down
which codes we need to go through
to debug the system.
How many? Approximately?
About 50,000.
Right.
And the bad news?
Wait, whoa,
that-that wasn't the bad news?
Because the virus is so unstable,
there's no way of us handling
the output digitally.
We're going to have to go through
all the entries by hand.
What the fuck?
Jerry.
There's more.
Right. Chris, can you and I
have a word in private?
No.
OK, then can everyone
please cover your ears?
I'm not listening anyway.
You know, you could tell me
if this is a drill.
It's not a drill.
We don't run drills
through the night.
With respect,
isn't that exactly what you'd say
if this were a drill, though?
With respect, isn't it also
exactly what I would say
if it weren't?
Sorry, you completely lost me.
Sorry, is this a drill?
It's not a drill.
It's not a drill.
What?
A drill!
Sorry.
(SOFTLY) I think it's a drill.
OK, well, if we're doing this
by hand, we'd better crack on.
Surely it'd be quicker
to just go after
whoever's responsible
and disable the virus
from their own machine?
MI5 are already looking
into who may be behind this.
Great, then we should
give them a hand.
Apprehending the culprit
isn't our job, I'm afraid.
You know that I'm trained
in profiling
and enhanced interrogation, right?
Even if we did use those methods
over here,
it's not our job.
Shall we make a start?
Chris, seriously.
I mean, Joseph and I have
already made excellent progress
honing in on a suspect.
And, I mean,
from a career point of view,
wouldn't it stand you in good stead
for a position at MI5?
What makes you think
I want to work at MI5?
Doesn't everyone here
want to work for MI5?
I just assumed this place
was like a holding pen.
You have two minutes to convince me.
Go.
Excellent.
Joseph, show her what we've got.
OK, so I have written a program
that, fingers crossed,
should be able to predict
whether the person
behind this cyber attack
is male or female.
Just to narrow it down.
And once you've narrowed it down
to half the population,
what do you plan to do,
knock on each of their doors?
It's what Santa does.
Sorry, that was a joke, obviously,
just to take the edge off
how you're looking at me.
What Joseph means is,
now that we have a working program,
we could start to add in
all kinds of different parameters.
Like what?
Like whether the person behind this
is a known cyber terrorist.
Surely if we knew that, we'd know
if they were male or female.
Yeah, that was a bad example.
Sorry, I just really need the loo
as well.
The point is
we're gonna hone in on someone,
and for the record,
I very much doubt
this is the work of a woman.
Why?
I don't know, I just have
really good instincts about women.
For starters,
why would a woman hack the NHS?
Huh? It's just not
a very womanly thing to do.
The fact is, if you're a woman,
you are far less likely
to be a terrorist.
Thank you. See?
Yeah, but we are not making
the same point here.
I actually once got stopped
and searched
whilst wearing a hijab.
Why were you wearing a hijab?
I just got it from a charity shop.
I didn't actually know what it was.
Isn't that offensive?
Oh, gosh, sorry.
Don't apologise to me,
apologise to Joseph.
What? Why?
Isn't that your area?
I've never worn a hijab.
Sorry.
That's alright.
(LAPTOP CHIMES)
Ah.
Male.
There you go, see? I was right.
Great, so we know
the person behind this is a man.
Go and tell MI5.
Right!
I see what you did there.
Actually, no,
there's a confidence interval
on that.
OK, so there's a 40% chance
that it's a man.
So a 60% chance it's a woman?
No, that can't be right.
OK, great,
so we're looking for a woman now.
Yeah, I think for absolutely safety,
let's tell MI5
that we're looking
for either a woman or a man.
Or why don't you stop wasting
mine and everyone else's time
and focus on something
more tangible. Shall we?
Look, Chris, if this is a drill
It's not a drill!
Will you please stop saying that?
Why is this even happening?
I mean, don't these guys use,
what, anti-virus software?
Joseph?
What?
Weren't you meant to be
assisting them with that?
After the 2018 NHS systems merge?
Well, yeah, but they just
never responded to my memos,
so I just
I think part of the problem
with the way you write
is that people don't believe
it comes from a human.
OK.
Surely you could've just installed
the security plug-ins remotely.
That would have been
the next obvious step
if you knew that they were
making themselves vulnerable.
I just couldn't think
of any new passwords, though,
so mine always end up
being the same one.
Jesus.
Mine always end up being DameNew69.
Well, don't be surprised
if this gets called into review
in a few months' time.
I don't know what else to say, I
Well, maybe just don't say anything.
Now can we please get on?
I'm meant to be briefing
the health secretary before dawn.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, fucking hell, what now?
So, HR have said that you all need
to stop what you're doing
and eat for 15 minutes.
We don't have time for Chinese.
Staff welfare is one thing,
but so are the lives
of countless individuals
up and down the country.
Chris, don't you have
an appraisal soon?
I'll have the pork balls.
Can I just ask, is this on GCHQ?
Because Mummy won't let me
carry any cash on me.
Evelyn?
I can't afford it.
No, go and check with HR.
Right, sure.
See you later, everybody.
Is she usually that perky?
Wouldn't you be too,
if you'd been asleep all day?
Now, for the love of God,
can we please get on?
Yeah, come on,
let's do this, people!
I'll have the Chinese menu.
Oh, yeah, sure.
(SNORES)
Surely we've got to be
getting close.
How long have we been going?
20 minutes.
What?
Hey, guys.
HR have said everyone can have
up to £10 for the takeaway.
I'll just take the cash.
How much?
Is there sharing?
I can't eat fish or seafood, sadly.
Otherwise my neck really swells up.
I'd love to see
how big it can get one day.
Oh, gosh, OK.
Can I just get some rice,
please, Evelyn?
What kind?
Just cooked, thanks.
And can I have some water chestnuts?
Mm-hm.
And a big bag in case I'm sick.
OK.
You know what,
I think I'll just have the Hello?
Right, Mary,
I'm leaving you in charge.
Wha?
Oh, gosh, really, are you sure?
I'll only be gone an hour or so.
It's just because last time
I was left fully in charge
of the Guides,
it cost the parish
over £40,000 in damages.
That sounds like a great night.
I mean, I know we're not technically
going around the room,
but just so I said it, you know,
I'm more than happy
to throw my hat in the ring
in a kind of lead-from-the-very-back
kind of way.
No?
Look, Chris, I get you
giving that responsibility
to the oldest person in the room,
but wouldn't it make more sense
leaving me in charge?
What, so you and Joseph
can get back to your computer games?
No, thanks.
No, wait, wait, wait, come on.
Do you really think
I'm going to jeopardise
the lives of - how did you put it? -
"countless individuals
up and down the country"
just to prove to you
that my way is quicker?
Chris, please, have a little faith
in my respect for your command.
Fine.
Jerry's in charge.
Everyone, keep doing
what you're doing.
Call me with any developments.
I'll be back before dawn.
OK, drop this shit, let's go.
Oh, my God.
Listen up. My gut is telling me
we're looking for someone
who used to work for the NHS.
Maybe a disgruntled former employee.
Check that against anyone
with a strong background
in computer engineering.
Yeah, yeah, on it.
Tuva, talk to me.
Why are you wearing a headset?
It helps me focus.
Now come on, people, let's do this.
We're on a clock here.
What does that say?
Mary.
Yeah.
Will you just take a look at this?
Anything?
No.
What does the NHS stand for?
National Health Service.
(SNORES)
You OK?
Mm.
Anything?
No, nothing useful.
(MUMBLING) No, I just
That's not going to work.
Anything?
Oh, God.
No, not yet. Sorry, Jerry.
Goddammit.
So, look, we narrowed it down to
That's 400 people, basically.
What's the motive for the crime?
Motive for the crime?
Is he allowed to say that?
You are my number one.
Oh, God, I can't wait
to get out of these old clothes.
Me too.
Oh!
Gosh, Quentin.
Didn't know you were still here.
I'm always here.
Some forensic profiles
for cross-referencing purposes.
Nice to see you again.
Night-night.
Night.
There's a spare bed
in the basement.
In case you get sleepy.
No, no, that's OK.
Thank you.
Oh, golly gosh.
Did you manage
to go to the toilet yet?
No, I got about as far
as the second floor
and then I had to turn back.
It's just so scary
with it being dark.
Oh, I know.
I once saw the ghost of Alan Turing
in the car park.
Really?
Was he looking for a space?
I've got something.
OK, so one of the things
I've started to realise
is that it's much easier doing this
when you have colour photos.
Gosh, that's a very diverse bunch,
isn't it?
Thank you.
I worry it's a bit too diverse.
OK, so what I've done here
is assimilate all the data
from the program
along with Tuva's trace matches
and combined that with an algorithm
that basically mimics
my own gut instincts.
Anyway, taking all of that
into account,
these are our top six suspects.
You know two of these
are the same person?
Yeah, it was a test. You passed.
Anyone have a preference
as to which photo we use?
Maybe the one where he's smiling?
I know you shouldn't say it,
but I always think it must be
quite stressful being a terrorist.
Yeah.
OK.
Oh, God, isn't that thingy
from the Doritos commercial?
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Isn't he? You know the one I mean?
So, no?
We'd probably have to go
through his agent anyway.
Who exactly are we looking at here,
then?
Right. So
My money is on
Abdullah Blah-Blah-Blah.
And he's a resident in the UK?
Yeah. I guess as much as Joseph
is resident in the UK.
I am resident in the UK.
So, sorry, did he work
for the NHS as well, then?
Yes, he's a licensed chiropractor.
Which, as we all know,
is not a real thing.
So immediately I was like,
"Wah-wah-wah-wah."
What about Jenny Taylor?
She worked for the NHS for 20 years,
was made redundant in 2017
after the cuts.
The following year,
she lost her husband
when he was accidentally prescribed
the wrong medication for eczema.
Oh, gosh,
plus she has a PhD
in computer science
and hasn't been seen
for the last three weeks.
Well
Yeah, I don't know.
I keep being drawn back to Abdullah
for some reason.
Isn't that Farouk al Hakshah?
I don't know,
depends what you just said.
That is Farouk. But it won't be him.
He sadly blew his brains out
in prison in 2014.
Right.
Did he die?
(MOUTHS) Yeah, I think so.
OK, so this is great.
We're slowly narrowing it down
to Abdullah.
Who is Margaret?
I thought it could be her too,
but she's been sectioned.
What, like cut up into pieces?
No, 'committed'.
Even better.
Bye-bye, Maggie.
So, I guess I was right.
Abdullah's our guy.
But he doesn't have
quite as strong a motive as Jenny.
Yeah, but look at him.
Does he really need one?
Yeah, but motives are
your thing, right?
I mean, that's what you've been
saying - "it's all about motive."
Wait a minute.
Are you guys honestly telling me
that behind the face
of this sweet, respectable white lady
is the monster we're looking for?
Jesus!
Oh, my God!
(SOFTLY) When did she come in?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Please tell me
this isn't what it looks like.
Why? What does it look like?
That you've undermined my authority,
putting your own ego
ahead of GCHQ procedure to pursue
an agenda fuelled by ignorance
and racial prejudice.
Maybe you're the racist
for assuming I'm racist
when Jenny here
clearly has the requisite background,
education, and motive
to hack the NHS.
Shame on you, Chris.
And you're welcome.
Follow me. Chop-chop.
(YELLING) I specifically said
carry on doing exactly what you
You want to do this now?
You want to do this now
when we could be catching
Why not?
Oh
For God's sake.
This is This is crazy.
Oh, really?
You need to focus.
Oh, that's Yankee bullshit.
Oh, come on, Chris.
We're always gonna have
a different approach.
We're like Han Solo
and Jabba the Hutt.
Anyway, it worked, right?
We have a suspect now.
And what if you're wrong?
Yeah, I don't think
that's physically possible.
But either way, we're outta time.
Yes. Because of you!
Listen, if this is because
we ended up honing in on a woman,
believe me,
I'm as disappointed as you are.
But for right now, all I need
is for you to turn a blind eye
so I can hack
into Jenny's home computer.
No. That's not how
we do things here.
(KNOCK ON GLASS DOOR)
What?
Hi, update from Whitehall.
Both Chelsea Hospital
and Royal Holloway
are unable to proceed
with any surgery,
and dozens admitted last night
are now in a critical state
because they haven't been able
to access any medical records.
Also, I don't quite know
how to say this,
but, um,
the food's going to be
another 30 minutes.
Leave!
Sorry.
Do what you have to do.
But this conversation
never happened.
Right. Understood.
Why are you winking?
(LOUDLY) What do you mean?
No-one's winking here.
Can you stop winking?
(SOFTLY) OK, I'd appreciate,
as a general rule,
if you didn't say out loud
when I'm winking, OK?
Let's try that again.
Absolutely not.
Fine.
(BELL RINGS)
How long before we know
if Jenny's our guy?
It depends.
On what?
On whether
you're going to stop talking.
You OK?
Do you still need the toilet?
Yeah, I tried pushing really hard,
but now I just feel too guilty.
Why?
I don't know, just maybe
if I had done my job properly,
you know,
none of this would have happened.
No, no, you can't think like that.
That's like me feeling guilty
about the war in Iraq.
You really think
Christine would give you a job
that was important
to national security?
That's true.
Oh, what a gorgeous doggie.
I'm in.
Is it her?
Not sure. I can't find
Yes, it's her.
Yes! I knew it was her.
Anything?
It's her.
Let me see if I can disable
the virus.
Come on, come on,
you got this, Tuva.
What do you guys do
to celebrate after a crisis?
Move on to the next crisis.
Because at the NSA we like
to set off a bunch of fireworks.
Although the CIA
recently asked us to stop
because it was becoming too obvious
whenever we got a lead.
We've got
that lovely central grassy area
which would be perfect
for fireworks,
but HR said they've seen
hedgehogs mating.
Let's put a pin in
any potential celebrations for now,
don't you think?
Come on, focus.
Come on, Tuva.
Come on, Tuva.
You can do this.
We're running out of time.
My poor bum.
Can you feel it vibrate?
Yes, I can.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
Huh.
Oh, God.
Well done.
What did?
I'm off to the toilet.
Is that it? Wait, wait, no, no, no,
hey, hey, come back here.
Come here, come here. I know
you Brits don't touch, but come on.
Group hug, right now. Bring it in.
(CHANTS) Tuva! Tuva!
JERRY AND JOSEPH: Tuva! Tuva!
Yes, woo!
Woo!
OK, now lift me up.
Guys, I'm
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm waiting.
What for?
Come on, come on. You can say it.
I did good, right? It worked.
Yes.
Despite breaking
a hundred different rules,
you did good.
Well done.
Thank you.
Shame it was all a drill, really.
What?
You're kidding.
I'm sorry.
Couldn't say. Obvious reasons.
Oh, fucking hell!
I said it was a drill,
like, three times!
Oh, fucking bullshit!
God Joseph!
Yeah?
It was a drill!
What?
Yeah! She lied!
Sorry, it was a drill?
Of course it wasn't.
Go back to sleep.
That was dirty, man! I mean, come
You timing this?
Yeah.
OK, give her the shrimp.
Ready?
Yes.
What's the biggest
your neck's ever got?
And what does the measurement say?
Hooray, hooray, hooray
Misery's on the way
There are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
From Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We'd better all learn the lyrics
of the old Red Flag ♪