Intelligence (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(DOOR BEEPS, HISSES OPEN)
Joseph, quiet room. Now.
Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Jerry, what is it?
Oh, my God. Jerry, are you OK?
Yeah.
Well, what's wrong? What happened?
I think I have syphilis.
And maybe gonorrhoea too.
I really can't tell.
(GENTLE MEDITATION MUSIC)
I'm so sorry. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, can you get the fuck out?
Thank you. Thank you.
So, what, do you think it was
something that you ate, maybe?
No! I had sex last night.
Oh, my God! With who?
I can't say.
Oh, not Christine.
No!
She must be. What - my age?
(WHISPERS) Did you sleep
with a prostitute?
Eugh! No!
Not Mary.
No, I just said
it wasn't a prostitute.
Well, then who?
Look, I can't, OK?
She made me promise
not to tell anyone.
It's fine. Just tell me.
It was Tuva.
(WHIRRING, BEEPING)
(INDISTINCT VOICES OVER RADIO)
I mean, obviously,
I've had lots of experience,
but Tuva can do things
I've only seen possible with CGI.
Right, who's got a poorly dick?
Oh, Quentin, thank God.
I mean, how did this even
end up happening, Jerry?
Quentin, have you seen the film
Avatar?
Why, has it turned blue?
No, but look.
Oh, God, no.
Hey, hey! Don't turn away.
I mean, that's just rude.
(UNZIPS)
Ah!
Oh!
Oh, my G
Oh m
Have you ever seen anything like it?
Only in livestock.
Fantastic appraisal scores off
the back of that NHS scenario, Chris.
Sorry, where did you say you were
again?
I actually don't know.
There was one area
where you seem to have failed.
Failed?!
Yes.
It was in staff welfare
and management.
Get out!
(COUGHS)
Why?
Be gentle, please. N Ah!
Mother!
Sorry, sorry.
Just going to try again.
OK, OK.
It looks like
subepidermal haematoma.
Oh, my God. Is that fatal?
No, no, no. It's just trauma.
Well, what exactly happened?
Did she punch you in the penis?
Um
I mean, there was
No.
Why is it still erect?
It's not erect.
Hey.
Hey. You alright?
(FARTS)
I'm so sorry.
I think I've had too much Berocca.
You know they're not suppositories,
right?
Good morning.
Ooh, gosh! Are you OK?
Yeah.
(FARTS)
Are YOU OK?
Good morning, team,
valued staff members.
Right. Who'd like some raisins?
Um, yeah, actually, I would, Chris.
Thanks. I'm absolutely ravenous.
I had a big night last night.
So I know that we've all got
a lot to be getting on with,
but I just wanted
to remind all of you
that if ever
work becomes too stressful
and you want to talk about it
or about anything else
for that matter,
I'm always here.
That includes you too, Evelyn.
I never find work stressful.
Well, no, but if
you ever wanted to talk about
something more personal.
OK, so
I was the first in my class
to get my period.
It doesn't have to be now.
So I've had an update on
the Dicksons car phone data breach.
I do think this is going
to be one for you, Mary.
They've used a 28-bit block cipher.
That's what my PhD was in.
Exactly.
And no-one else could bear
taking it on.
Really? OK.
Well, it might take me
a little longer than usual
because Mum's not been well.
She's nearly 90.
She must have had you
when she was very young.
You see, this is a good example
of something that you might want
to come and speak to me about.
I'd really appreciate that,
actually, Chris.
She keeps telling me to
..go fuck myself.
Well, perhaps when
you've finished all this work
and removed all the corrupted files.
Oh, right.
End of play today
would be soon enough.
Hey, you.
(WOMEN GUSH)
(GASPS) Ooh.
Mmm.
I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.
Oh, gosh. I can never tell.
That's problem with babies.
They don't have boobs.
No.
Hi!
Um
Oh, hello, darling.
Well done.
Oh, hi!
Hey, I've just been looking
at the, um, Carrasima file.
Do we have a contact in linguistics
who can translate Russian?
Have you tried Olga?
I can never understand
what she's saying.
You know she's Russian.
Oh, is that what that is?
Oh, right.
Thanks for the card, by the way.
But I only celebrate my birthday
every other year.
Oh, that's fine,
just keep it for next year.
There's nothing in it
that can go off.
Anything else?
I just wanted to let you know
that I I know
(WHISPERS) ..about you and Jerry.
Has he been mouthing me off?
Oh, God, he didn't say
he'd done that as well.
So has this been going on
for a while, then?
I only ask 'cause Jerry seemed to
imply it was like a permanent thing.
Wow. OK.
Well, either way,
I just don't like to sleep
with the same person more than once.
I think it's lazy.
Oh, no. No, I agree with that.
Me too.
God, yeah. How boring.
But you never know, maybe one day
you might find that one person
who you want to settle down
No, that would never work for me.
No, no. 'Cause you're just
It's funny, though,
I was doing one of those, like,
online harmony test things
and we actually come out as 89%,
I think.
Yeah, it's that 11%
I'm worried about.
Then why sleep with Jerry? I
Because I don't care about him
like I care about you.
But you're right. I should let
him know it won't happen again.
Oh.
Plus he's so not over his wife.
Sorry, what?!
(PHONE RINGS)
Is everything OK?
Well, the district nurse
will be around in a bit.
Yes, that's one.
But you really
can't call her that nowadays.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Yes.
Hi, Chris.
Do you have like 40, 45 minutes?
Not that long, no.
Is this about the Buble conspiracy?
I don't know what that is.
Thanks, Evelyn.
No, can you leave the room, please?
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Quickly!
Um, so, listen,
I don't want to name names,
um, but there is
someone in the office
who I've started to think of
as more than just a friend.
Why?
Oh, 'cause she's really nice.
Are you talking about me?
No!
Why, are you interested?
Of course not.
So this is about Tuva.
Oh, I really don't want to
say who it is.
Well, I'm guessing it's not Mary.
Oh, no, no. God, no.
No, definitely not Mary.
Anyway, it turns out this person,
for whatever reason,
has actually ended up having sex
with someone else on our team.
Jerry?
I really don't want to name names.
Yes, but surely not Mary.
No, still not Mary.
The thing is, this person
is in fact a very good friend.
Jerry. Of course.
He walks all over you.
And on top of that,
I've just found out he has a wife.
Jerry's married?
So now I'm beginning to question,
do I even know
who this person is anymore?
Jerry?
I mean, what do you think
I should do?
Do you think I should talk to him
about it or?
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Yes.
Right.
So, yes.
Can I have a raisin?
Yes, do.
(GASPS)
Hey, beautiful!
OK, so I'm just going to say it
so we can move on.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant?
It's been less than 12 hours.
I don't care. I want to keep it.
No.
This was one off.
It can never happen again.
I don't understand. You sure sounded
like you were enjoying yourself.
Yeah, no, sometimes I moan like that
when I'm really bored.
I thought we had a connection.
You kept calling me Melissa.
Oh, come on! Was it really that bad?
(CRIES) Melissa!
(WAILS)
Yes.
Fine. You know what?
Actually, I was on my way to find you
and tell you the same thing, so
So are we good?
(SCOFFS) Tuva, do you really think
this is the first time
I've had a one-night stand?
Please.
Great!
(CRIES)
Argh!
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, hi, Jerry.
I just wondered if we'd
have a little chat.
It's actually not a great
it's not a great time for me.
I'm super busy.
Did Tuva come and see you?
You know what? She did. (CHUCKLES)
Poor kid.
She won't leave me alone. So clingy.
I just shut that shit down.
I'm actually worried about her.
She was a mess.
I hope she's gonna be OK.
Listen, if you ever want to chat
about anything,
just, you know I'm here, right?
OK. Thanks.
Maybe you can come around
to mine tonight.
Get my dad to cook something
and we can chat.
Nah, I think it will be too spicy.
Let's go out. Come on.
Can we go somewhere cosy?
Of course. The Railway Inn.
It's super cosy, honestly.
Is it?
Do they do mashed potato?
I can ask.
I mean, it's very easy to make.
OK.
Yeah?
Yeah. Let's do this.
Great.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, very nice!
Hey, does this turn into
a topless place later?
I don't think so, no.
Listen, I'm really glad
we decided to go out, man.
Just us two guys.
Right. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you want to just have a seat
and I'll just get this first round?
What would you like?
Oh, yeah. I'll have a scotch.
Top shelf. Neat.
Cool. Neat.
No, neat. No ice.
Yeah, that's Yeah. That's neat.
OK.
Also get another round of
whatever those two are having.
What, for us?
For them.
Oh, right. OK.
Oh!
Hey. What are you doing here?
Hey, you want to see
some magic tricks?
Um, I can't really.
Oh, come on. Pick a card.
OK, OK, just really quick.
I love magic.
(PHONE RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Hello?
I'm so sorry, Jerry.
There was a huge queue.
Where did you get that?
What? I didn't even see that.
Cheers, buddy.
Cheers, man.
Mmm.
Oh, this is nice, isn't it?
Just us two, chatting away.
Right?
Yeah.
Well, you know, it just dawned on me
we've never really ever spoken
about relationships and stuff.
No. So when was the last
long-term relationship you had?
Oh, me?
Mm.
Probably, like, my gran.
Do you have a type?
I just haven't really
established a pattern yet.
Have you ever hooked up
with anyone at work?
No, not yet.
Aren't there, like,
6,000 people working at GCHQ?
Well, yeah, but, I mean, I can't
access everywhere with my pass.
Mm, yeah, but surely
those odds are great.
I mean, even for something
happening by chance.
Yeah, but I mean, I don't know
how accurate a figure that is.
I mean, that might include
staff from GCHQ Bude for all I know.
I don't want to have to
trek down there every time
No.
I'm not making you uncomfortable,
am I? I'm just trying to be friendly.
No, it's um (CHUCKLES)
What?
No, it's just nice hearing you
refer to me as a friend, that's all.
Are you alright?
You know what?
Let's get another round.
Drink?
Oh, no, I'll get it.
That's absolutely fine.
Alright, then,
get us a couple of shots too.
Neat?
Yeah.
Hey!
So, who are you here with?
Oh, um, just a couple
of old school friends.
Those two?
No!
Not them two. No, no.
Do you want a drink?
Uh, yeah, maybe just like
a really quick one.
Can we have a couple more tequilas?
This is a little bit tricky
at the moment
because one of the people
I'm here with, he's a bit upset
'cause the girl he was seeing
has just split up with him.
So
Was she hot?
She, um
Uh, I find her attractive, yeah.
Hmm.
Are you going to say something?
To you? To the girl?
Oh, I dunno. Maybe.
I just don't want him to think
that I've been thinking about them
having sex, you know?
There you go.
Oh, well.
Oh, well.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Right.
Oh, my God! What's that?!
You never had tequila before?
I thought it was like squash.
I am so sorry, Jerry.
Man, what took so long?
I had to go to the toilet 'cause
I've got the runs, I think.
Well, surely that would make
things quicker?
Well, there wasn't a cubicle.
Let's do this.
Cheers, buddy.
Cheers, man.
Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
So what are we talking about?
Well, I think you were about to tell
me about your last relationship.
What? No, man, don't bring me down.
I'm trying to get up.
You know, you really should
go for one of those.
Which which one's your favourite?
No, I just wouldn't
want to choose. It's fine.
Come on, man!
No, Jerry, honestly.
Oh, they're so waiting for you.
They're begging for it.
She's not.
Alright, I'm going to go talk to 'em,
see what I can do.
Come on. Come on. Quickly, quickly.
OK.
Yeah, baby.
So just so I know,
how much are you willing to spend?
(GULPS) What?
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hi, Chris. Just to let you know
that I've finally cracked it.
Yes. I was just going to take a look.
I'll let Dicksons know.
Is there something else?
No.
No. Um I should probably
get back to Mum.
Yes, good idea.
The district nurse just called
and she's, um
..died.
OK, try not to take this
the wrong way,
but they both have concerns
about your dwarfism.
Well, that's fine. I completely
understand. What about you?
I think I've started
to get used to it.
No! What? Are you interested
in either of those?
No, no.
I'm not looking for a relationship.
Oh, what, because you're married,
Jerry?
Have people been talking about me
behind my back?
Why didn't you tell me?
Because it's none of your business.
Well, you told Tuva!
That was different, alright?
It just slipped out.
Well, Jerry, there's been
plenty of opportunities
when it could have easily
slipped out of me.
What?
MAN: Sorry, guys.
What else did Tuva say about me?
I don't know. Why would I care about
how she feels about you?
Wait a
You like Tuva?
Yes. I like Tuva.
Of course I like Tuva.
Obviously.
(GROANS)
Why is that so funny?
No, it's just
Oh, you deserve better.
No, I don't!
Hey, I'm just trying
to look out for you, OK?
You just said we were buddies.
Yeah, well, buddies don't keep
things from each other.
Exactly! I mean, I didn't know
you liked her like that.
You should have made your feelings
more obvious.
Hey!
Hey
What? Tuva?!
What?
So is Jerry your date?
Mmm.
Cool. Why didn't you say?
What, you knew she was here?
Sorry, did I not tell you that?
Is this why you brought me here?
So you two can hang out?
Hang on, I just need to work out
exactly how this came about,
because I'm actually
quite drunk now.
This is how you try to cheer me up?
Well, apart from this,
I'm having a great night.
Me too. I'm gonna go out
to the garden to smoke some weed.
Whoa.
You guys want to come?
No, my asthma's Sorry.
Nah, knock yourself out.
Cool. Later.
Why would you lie to me?
I thought we were friends.
Well, you know what? I thought
we were friends as well.
But there's some people
think you walk all over me.
What?! What else do they say?
That you pee sitting down!
OK, that's my business.
And not all the time.
OK, sometimes I don't know what's
going to happen, so I play it safe.
That you're secretly vegan.
Oh, fuck you!
That you're weak!
You think I'm weak?
You're always talking about
how tough you are
but no-one's ever seen it.
Oh, OK. You know what?
Here - you want to arm wrestle?
I don't want to arm wrestle!
It hurts my arm.
(SCOFFS) Whatever!
You know what? I'm done.
Where are you going?
Hey! Hey, don't walk away.
I'm talking to you.
I'm going home, Jerry.
Yeah! What a wuss.
Right, get up.
What?
Get up!
Why?
We're fighting? Go.
Oh, we're gonna fight?
I'm the one
who should be fighting you!
Go for it. Move the table.
Oh, you want help with the table?
Yeah.
Yeah? Where are we going?
Just to the right.
There!
Thank you.
I can move furniture too!
Yeah, well, go for it.
Look at that! And this.
There. There.
There you have enough space
for all your moves? Huh?
You little
Little what?
Just little.
Argh!
Yeah.
Sorry, buddy. I'm sorry.
It's just instinct.
Sorry. Hey!
Hey! OK.
Can you stop hugging me?
No.
Yeah?
Hey.
Argh! Jerry!
Sorry.
Again, instinct.
Come on, get up.
Hey! Don't
Ow!
Yeah.
Kick me!
Where are you going,
you little squirrel?
Are you trying to look me
in the eye, huh?
Why are you such a dickhead?!
What?!
You treat my like shit all the time!
I don't treat you like shit.
You're my PA!
I'm not your PA!
I've been working at GCHQ
for 12 years. I'm a junior analyst.
Really?
Yes!
Just lose the front!
Oh, you think I have a front now?
You think I'm fronting?
Well, why won't you let me in?
Oh! Jesus.
Come on. Why?
You want to know
why I won't let you in, huh?
You really want to know?
'Cause the last time
I let someone in, I shot him.
I lost my best friend.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
Are you happy?
(CRASH!)
You really got to work on
your instinct.
(SQUEAKS, GROANS)
(SNORES)
(MOANS) Jerry?
(SNORES)
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Misery's on the way
There are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
From Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We'd better all learn the lyrics
of the old Red Flag
And wait till we drop down dead. ♪