Intelligence (2020) s02e02 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 2

Also, Buckingham Palace
have been in touch
to ask if we can have another look
at their firewall
because the Queen is still receiving
pop ups for erectile dysfunction.
I once took one of those tablets
by mistake.
Did it work?
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, are they are all yours?
No, a lot of these are
international arrest warrants.
I just didn't want to miss anything.
Anything in there
with my name on it?
Why? What did you do?
Oh, God, no, nothing.
I think it's just me and Charlotte
from GCHQ Bude
have had a lot of email
back and forth recently.
Is that the tall girl
with mad cow disease?
No, who's that?
Morning, everyone.
Oh, shit. Did someone die?
Yes. About 80 million people.
This week we're celebrating 76 years
since the end of World War II.
By dressing as Hitler
and his dentist.
Wait, I have to wear this
for a whole week?
This is a Women's Auxiliary
Air Force pilot's uniform.
Used to belong to your
Wow. So your grandmother could fly?
Yes. Does that surprise you?
No. I just didn't know women were
allowed to fly planes back then.
I'd worry about how safe that was.
Lots of kamikaze pilots were women.
Exactly. Because they're
the best at crashing.
Also, I was very pleased to see
that last week's Hinkley Point
success featured heavily on
page three of The Telegraph.
Why wasn't I asked to pose for that?
It's not that sort of paper.
What they didn't report is that
despite GCHQ regaining full control
of Eternal Blue, a hybrid weapon
is already being rebuilt
by the Russians with the capacity
to disrupt air traffic control
services across the globe.
That's exactly what happens
in Die Hard 2.
Did they even mention me by name
in the article or?
No. Here at GCHQ we prefer
individuals to remain anonymous.
Well, it's certainly working.
By the way, who are you talking to
at the NSA about this?
Aled Jones.
The Snowman?
Well, if you want Jonesy and me
to put our heads together,
I'm sure we can locate these guys.
Besides, I'd love to take a crack
at saving the whole world,
not just this this little island.
Well, we can discuss that
with Rupert later.
But personally, I feel your ego
may prove to be too much
of a distraction.
Oh, come on, Chris.
Give me a little credit.
It's not always going to be about
Oh, my God, are those for me?
Yeah, they've just arrived.
(SNIFFS) Oh, my
This is so embarrassing.
Thank you so much.
They're not from me.
No, but still, I mean,
it's just so sweet of you
to give me these flowers.
They're not from me.
No, I know.
But the way you handed them to me
was just so sweet.
Can I go?
I don't even remember your name.
Oh, these are incredible.
Thank you.
Look, a card.
Did I not even get
like an arrest warrant?
I'm so sorry, buddy.
"To Jerry, mwah.
"Love question mark."
I just want to say, if the person
who got me these
happens to be in this room,
from the bottom of my heart
..thank you.
Surely you're not serious.
Hey, what's up? I'm busy.
Oh, not much. Ooh.
I'm just a little bit lonely
and bored.
Do you mind if I sniff your flowers?
No, knock yourself out.
You know these weren't from me?
Yeah, I just didn't know if you were
expecting a Valentine's gift
just because we used
to be married.
No, and listen, I'd rather you didn't
keep using that phrase,
"used to be married."
Because it kind of makes it sound
like it was for real, OK?
What would you prefer I use, then?
Sort of "recently separated"?
Again, I just don't
Widows? I'd be up for that.
How about you don't refer to it
ever again?
OK, I'll try.
You know, I'm a bit curious
as to who they're from.
Ah, yeah. I'm kind of busy protecting
all mankind right now, so
I guess I was just secretly
hoping that, you know,
you wouldn't get anything either and
then we could be lonely together.
You know what I mean?
Oh, my God. I almost forgot.
Look what just arrived from for
you in the internal mail system.
Oh, my God!
I know. Go open it.
Oh, my God. Is this from you?
Are you kidding?
You think I would get you a
Valentine's Day card out of pity?
I wouldn't hold it against you.
No, I'm not that nice.
Swear on your life.
I swear on your life, buddy.
Oh, my gawd.
"Hey, sexy, comma.
"Stay amazing, kiss."
Full stop.
Do you think it's from Charlotte,
Could be.
But actually we've never met.
Also, she's not really had
the full experience.
Yeah. Still, it's possible.
Maybe I'll just text her and ask.
No, don't No, don't do that.
Mmm, no.
Because what what what if it isn't?
And, if it is, you don't want
her knowing that you know.
Maybe I'll just get handwriting
analysis done.
No. What? Where?
Here. Just downstairs.
No, absolutely not.
Do not do that.
OK, listen, buddy, right now,
that card could be from anyone.
It's almost more fun
not knowing who it's from.
What's your wildest fantasy?
Meeting someone who could fly.
No. I mean, if that card could be
from anyone in the world,
who would you want it to be from?
I guess it'd be a toss up between
David Attenborough
and Princess Jasmine from Aladdin.
The live action or
The cartoon.
The cartoon.
There you go.
You alright?
Yeah, I have a handwriting sample
that needs analysing.
I was told you were
the best person to ask.
Case number?
Right, yeah, it hasn't actually
been assigned a number yet.
Why not?
It's gonna sound really weird,
but I think they've just run out.
They've run out of numbers?
Well, no, not run out.
I think they've just used them
all up on other cases.
I don't know if you've ever
had that happen before.
Who was the supervising officer
on the case?
I can search via Scorpio.
Right. Yes.
Gosh, I'm so bad with names.
And there are so many now,
aren't there?
There's only four.
Only four. Oh.
Seemed like Well, um
I'm guessing
Male, male.
Yeah, probably. I mean
Or not, or not. I mean, you know,
they could have been
more like like
Or, you know, or the colour
of this folder.
Well, there are no blue
supervising officers.
And I think that is so bad nowadays.
Are you taking the piss?
Oh, God, no. No.
I'm just, you know,
I'm on your side, obviously.
What side's that, then?
I'm like you, aren't I?
You're a black woman?
Well, no, not quite.
But I'm half
You're half a black woman?
I'm just a complete mix.
Of black and a blue?
Black and white.
Oh, so you're grey.
So I have a handwriting sample
that needs analysing.
Oh, God.
Please don't tell me
those are for me.
(LAUGHS) No, of course not.
These are mine.
You've got another bunch of flowers?
No, this is the same bunch.
I just didn't want to leave them
lying around.
It's just not safe.
This is one of the safest buildings
on the planet.
I just don't want anyone
tripping over them
and risk hurting the arrangement.
Do you mind if we have a word
in private?
But I only just sat down!
You've been sitting down all day.
Yeah, but not like this.
Thank you.
Can I just say,
for the first six months,
I had no idea you two were
mother and daughter.
Well, I try not to make too much
of a song and dance about it.
No, I completely get it.
I'd be the same
if I were your daughter.
What can I do for you?
Well, given I saved Britain
last week, you're welcome.
Did Jonesy mention anything
about the NSA
dropping the case against me?
You know, that whole
election fraud thing?
I thought you liked it here?
Oh, no, don't get me wrong.
I love it here.
And I adore your outfit.
I'm just thinking hypothetically,
if I managed to track down
these Russian dudes,
surely that would paint me
in a better light.
We'll just have to wait and see.
Any news about who might have leaked
the NSA intel in the first place?
No, but I've been professionally
interrogating people
since I was nine.
Mary, I swear to God,
this is your last chance.
Are you working for the Russians?
Right. That's it.
I want to waterboard her.
Mary, get up here.
Tuva, are you recording all this?
Oh, fuck, yeah.
No. Mary, turn around.
You gotta face me.
This isn't an enema.
This is serious.
Now, lie down flat.
No, face up. Mary, flip over!
Joseph, you know what? Yeah.
Hold her down.
Now, who has a towel?
OK, so, the options are
a lovely little bunny rabbit one,
um, one from a local school
or just a plain gingham one
but I don't know if it's clean.
Give me that.
Do you want to see the rabbit?
Shut up!
OK, Mary, where's your mouth?
Uh, in here
OK, do we have any water?
I got some Sprite you can use.
No, I don't think it'll work
with Sprite.
It blows me up.
Shut up, Mary.
Is there water in the flowers?
Do not touch the flower!
My God.
So where do you want this?
OK, you know what, get up here.
Oh, my God.
Alright, you wanna position it
over her mouth.
What the fuck are you doing?!
I'm so sorry, Jerry,
it's just really difficult
trying to keep it upright?
You're supposed to get on her!
I'm being serious, Mary.
This is your last chance.
And I'm aiming for the mouth, yeah?
Just pour it on the rabbit.
Here we go.
What?! Are you kidding?!
So sorry, Jerry? I'm sorry.
That's not clean.
What? God Alright. You know what?
I'm gonna OK. Are you good?
You're good?
Go for it.
Wait, let me just adjust
God! Are you kidding?
Jerry, I'm so sorry.
What's going on?
Oh, hey, Chris.
I was just teaching the gang
interrogation techniques
in case we find a mole.
But Mary IS a mole.
OK, I'm sure you've all got
lots of questions.
Chris, you got to let me handle this.
Absolutely not. Sit down.
I just need you all to listen.
It's true.
For a few weeks now, Mary's position
here has been compromised.
But only because her mother
has been captured
by the Russian mob responsible
for last week's attack
and who have been blackmailing Mary
for inside intel.
Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
I thought your mum passed away.
So did I.
I'm ever so sorry,
your mother's, um
..passed away.
So your mom's still alive?
But now they keep threatening
to send one of her fingers
through the post.
Why? What's wrong with her fingers?
Fortunately, Mary had the foresight
to buy us some time
by sending the Russians
a lot of false leads.
So Mary is now a double agent.
Technically, she's a triple agent.
That's right.
So we think she's working for us,
the Russians think
she's working for them,
but really she's working
for someone else.
No, she's just working for us.
Right. Good.
How's that different
from what she was doing before?
Because the Russians believe
she's now working for them.
There are just two things, isn't it?
Listen, all you need to know
is that we are keeping Mary's cover
a secret
so that we can continue to feed
the Russians false intel
and in doing so, hopefully prevent
a future Eternal Blue attack.
Plus, I must admit, it's quite nice
for me and Quentin
to have a bit of space from Mum too.
Oh, so you and Quentin still
Every night.
Yeah, baby.
What stage you at?
Please don't
..answer that.
Is that?
Nice shot, soldier!
Targets located!
Cover me!
Take that!
Get down!
Take cover.
You fucking kidding me?
COMPUTER: Game over.
Tuva, I just wanna say
They weren't from me.
No, sure.
I'm just double-checking
with everyone I've ever, you know
So do you get paid more
for being a triple agent?
Um, but I am trying to negotiate
more holiday.
Oh, right. And the Russians
are alright with that?
No, they were very angry.
You know, I had a friend
who started off as a triple agent
but then went on to become
a octuple agent almost overnight.
So who did that mean
they were working for in the end?
Well, they thought
that we thought
that they thought
that we thought
that they thought
that that that we
You know, I got to get some water
for these.
Hey, how's it going?
So do you wanna go out for a drink
tonight, then, or what?
I mean, that's not why I came
to see you, but, yeah, I'm down.
I'll call you back.
Uh, Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
It's Honey, right?
So I just wanted to warn you
about this guy I'm working with.
You might have seen him
scampering around.
He's a tiny little guy,
kind of like a cinnamon Santa.
I mean, in terms of disposition,
Anyway, I was just wondering
how this works.
If he came to you
with a sample of handwriting,
how quickly would you be able
to work out that it was mine?
So you're telling me it's yours?
No. No.
I'm just saying that as an example.
But would it help if I provided you
with a sample of my handwriting first
just to rule me out?
Not if I already know it's yours.
But ignoring that,
I wish I'd never said it.
How can I help you avoid coming up
with a false conclusion?
I'd need to know a bit more info
on your background
and see a sample
of your handwriting.
Absolutely. That's what I thought.
I'm so sorry I'm late. Couldn't fit
in the elevator. (CHUCKLES)
Jerry, just wanted
to congratulate you
on the Hinkley Point success
last week. Great work.
Thanks, Rupert. I can't believe
we've never met in the flesh.
I have been in theatre
these past few weeks.
Oh, great. What show?
No, uh
I was in a pony riding accident.
Well, either way,
I'm sure it was fantastic.
Who's the lucky lady or fella?
Yeah, right. (SCOFFS)
Right. I mean
I mean right. Right. Right on!
I'm actually in touch with thousands
of women, so who knows?
It could be from any or all of them.
Just like a Tomb of the Unknown
I don't really understand
the reference, but yes, absolutely.
Thank you.
Um hi, Jerry.
Do you mind if I have a quick
We're busy. What is it?
Oh, you know, it's it's fine.
I didn't know that you
Don't be silly.
We're all equals here.
You know, I really should
Come on.
Only only if you're sure.
Of course.
We even get paid the same.
I'm on a lot more.
What do you want?
Oh, um
What do I want?
Well, I, um
I-I had some handwriting analysis
on the Valentine's Day card
that I received.
Sorry, let me get this straight.
You've been using GCHQ resources
funded by the UK taxpayer
to find out who sent you
a Valentine's Day card?
In my defence, that is exactly
why I didn't want to say
in front of you or y
Oh, well
Nah, that that's not important.
Um, shall we continue
with our high-profile meeting.
Hang on. You were saying.
Well, actually, it turned out
Oh, my God, what's wrong?
Ow! Ooh!
Jerry, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
Joseph, could you go?
Could you go?
Could you go?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Jerry!
OK, look,
I just did it to cheer him up.
It doesn't mean anything.
What do you mean?
So it WAS from you?
They used to be married.
Isn't that what the handwriting
analysis showed?
No, I was about to say the results
were inconclusive.
Oh, sorry. That's
No, that's what I meant.
I mean, it could have been
from anyone. Who?
It could have been Chris,
could have been Rupert.
Well, I've never met him before,
But you swore on my life
that it wasn't from you.
Don't worry about it, buddy. Doesn't
mean you're actually gonna die.
I'm sorry about this.
No, this is fun.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Only because you told me
it definitely was from you.
Oh, thank you very much.
What else was I meant to believe,
I dunno. Maybe that your mother
sent it out of sympathy.
She died 20 years ago.
Maybe she post-dated it.
Look, I'll make it up to you, OK?
I'll take you out to dinner,
somewhere real fancy.
You'll take me out for dinner
on Valentine's Day?
Well, no, obviously not tonight.
I've got plans.
I don't.
But you'll take me out
at some point, right?
Yes, but not because I sent you
a Valentine's Day card.
But you did send me a Valentine
Because I wanted you to feel special.
I'll feel special
when you take me out for dinner.
Why don't you take him out now?!
This meeting is over.
Have you been wearing that
all this time?
It pains me to have to say this
but I'm seriously starting to call
into question
your position here at GCHQ.
Do you understand?
Yes. Yeah, absolut
Listen, I just wanted
to let you know I'm well aware
that we keep having these kind
of conversations every week now,
but I-I promise you,
it won't happen again.
It better not.
At least Valentine's Day
is only once a year.
This is your final warning.
Do you hear?
Handwriting analysis!
I mean, who else
did you think it was from?
Princess Jasmine?
Hi, Ma.
Hi, sweetie.
Happy Valentine's Day.
You too.
Did you get my flowers?
SONG: Hooray, hooray, hooray
Misery's on the way
There are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
From Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We'd better all learn the lyrics
of the old Red Flag
And wait
until we drop down dead. ♪
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