Intelligence (2020) s02e03 Episode Script

1
(COMPUTER BLEEPS)
OK, what have we got?
Jerry, what's the latest
on Eternal Blue?
I need to update Whitehall.
Well, I'm still analysing the code
to see if I could get a fix
on exactly where the Russians
are operating from.
I may need to call Zuckerberg.
Mark Zuckerberg? Why?
We're old friends.
Facebook friends?
How's Zuckerberg going to help?
Fuck if I know.
Gosh, I am so sorry that I'm late.
I had a bit of an accident, so
How's your mum, by the way?
She's still dead, sadly, Chris.
I'm talking to Mary.
Have you started to miss her yet?
Well, I was going through
her old drawers back home,
and I did find a DNR form,
which is a bit sad.
Why? What's that?
It means do not resuscitate.
Well, perhaps she's just
thinking of the future
and doesn't want to be a burden.
No. This form had MY name on it.
What was the name
of that form again?
(MOUTHS)
(MOUTHS)
Come over here, quickly.
Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming.
They activate my psoriasis. Sorry.
Oh, we've also had a question
from Disney regarding their new
streaming service.
Oh, sweet!
Will I be able to watch it
from my office?
Some of their customers have been
subject to a data protection breach.
So yes?
(COMPUTER BLEEPS)
Oh! And
Just come in from analytics at GCHQ
Bude, they may have captured
a signal matching Eternal Blue's
digital fingerprint.
Well, great!
Can they send it over?
I should think that's unlikely.
Why? With that data,
I could immediately locate
where the Russians are operating
from, and end this thing.
Do they not understand how awesome
that would make me look?
Exactly. Bude might want to claim
that victory as their own.
Which reminds me, the board
have expressed concern
that any romantic relationships
between our sister organisations
are to be actively discouraged,
as they may prove a security risk.
I hope that's not going
to be a problem for anyone.
Does anyone have a knife?
There you go.
(SINGS ALONG) See the line where
the sky meets the sea, it calls me
And no one knows
(KNOCKS)
How far Hey.
Hey, Jerry, you got a minute?
Well Uh (HITS KEYBOARD)
(SONG KEEPS PLAYING)
(SONG STOPS)
Hey. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry, man.
I was looking into
that whole Disney thing.
Yeah.
Uh
So what's going on?
Did you get the location data?
No, it's more pressing than that.
I've got a date tonight.
What? With who?
OK, but here's the thing.
She's bald?
No.
She's blind.
No.
Rabies?
No, Jerry, it's about me.
You've got rabies?
No, Jerry.
So, I'm
I'm still a virgin.
Well, yeah. I mean,
I kind of figured that.
Oh, no, is it obvious?
No. Mm-mm.
Listen, bud, I'm so sorry.
I'm just I'm just super busy.
(SONG RESTARTS)
Oh. Ahh! (HITS KEYBOARD)
Argh!
(SONG CONTINUES) If I go
There's just no telling how
far (SONG CUTS OFF ABRUPTLY)
It's pretty good, though, isn't it?
What, Moana?
Oh, my God.
The Rock is, like, on fire!
No, that I finally got a date.
Yes. No, that's great, buddy.
Yeah.
Oh, one final thing,
just off the back of what Chris said,
is that it's Charlotte
from GCHQ Bude.
So
I As in she's on the team
that captured
Eternal Blue's digital fingerprint?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, then, this sounds like
a perfect opportunity.
For me?
Yes.
That's what yes,
that's what I For you.
Evelyn.
Oh!
What?
OK, this is going to sound strange,
but what if you wore an earpiece
and I told you what to say?
Would I need to get them pierced?
No. See, I just think we could both
get so much out of this date.
You know?
I don't What?
What do you mean 'both'?
Nothing makes me happier
than playing Cupid.
Oh.
And I just really want to see
you score with Scarlett.
Charlotte.
Margaret. Right.
Have you ever seen the movie
Roxanne?
With Steve Martin?
Yeah.
I just It looked too scary for me.
Oh? It's a comedy.
Well, it's about this guy
with a big nose, right?
Yeah.
Who has the hots for this girl.
But the problem is she's into
this much, MUCH better-looking guy.
Right. How is this helpful?
OK, so I don't really remember
the rest of it,
but basically they do
what I'm proposing we do.
And in the end, the guy
with the nose, he gets the girl.
The guy with the nose.
Right.
While his buddy gets
the intel he needs.
Right.
Yeah.
And then I think you die.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hmm.
And so apart from the nose,
is there anything else I can do
with my appearance to help?
Stand up.
All the way.
This is as far as I go.
Sorry. Um
OK, so right off the bat, I think
you should wear something
with vertical stripes.
Because that shirt makes you look
even, like, more
..than you are.
You know what? Come over here.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Right there.
OK, I want you to close your eyes.
Close your eyes and imagine yourself
three feet taller.
Your legs are growing longer.
You can now reach a doorknob, OK?
Now open your eyes.
Oh, my God.
Right?
Yeah.
Right?
(LAUGHS) Wow.
Yeah. Yeah, see, it's all about
positioning yourself
to create the illusion of tallness.
Well, that's actually how they shot a
lot of The Lord of the Rings.
Exactly. Yeah.
Feel it out. Walk around.
Try a doorknob.
So easy.
So easy.
Yeah.
OK, so Joseph has a hot date tonight
and we're trying to figure out ways
to make him more attractive.
Want to borrow my jacket?
Oh, well, I used
to have a lucky top
but I stopped wearing it because
it was attracting wasps.
Lucky how? I thought you said
you've never been laid.
That's so hot.
Listen, I know this might sound
like a stupid question,
and I hope you don't mind me asking,
but just in case it comes up,
where exactly is it?
TUVA AND JERRY: The vagina.
Jinx!
You owe me a root beer.
Yeah, I mean, just a rough ballpark.
Well, it can vary.
TUVA AND JERRY: Can it?
Oh! Drinks again?
Tuva, that's two.
Some days I find mine can be
quite high up.
Right. I'm not sure
how helpful that is.
You want me to do a drawing?
Yes, please.
So did you never see your mum's?
Not really.
I mean, she died like 20 years ago.
And you never saw it
before she died?
Not just before, no.
Here you go.
It's a lot bigger than I thought.
It's not to scale.
Alright. What's that?
That's the urethra.
That's where pee comes out, buddy.
You don't have to worry about that.
Right.
But, Tuva, I think you got
a lot of this wrong.
What's that little thing
up there, for instance?
Yeah, that explains a lot.
You know, I just think you got to
keep things as simple as possible
for Joseph.
And there's no danger of me,
you know,
accidentally ending up
inside the urethra, say?
It's about eight millimetres wide.
No, I'm good.
What's going on?
Oh, um, nothing.
Just something suddenly popped up
in Joseph's inbox
and we're just trying to fix it.
Hardware or software?
Oh, hardware, with any luck.
Well, so long as it isn't a virus.
Oh, no, no, no.
Joseph's equipment is totally clean.
Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah.
It's Mary's we have to worry about.
Oh, gosh. Really?
Maybe get someone to take
a look at it, in that case.
We don't want you infecting
the whole department.
Maybe Quentin.
Do you know
what we're talking about?
Yes.
Computers.
(KNOCKS) Hey. How's it going?
Good. Come on in.
I just want to test the earpiece.
Have you ever worn
one of these before?
No. I did once get a marble
stuck in my ear.
Did you ever get it out?
No, don't think so.
OK. So, you want to you want to
take this one here
and put it in your other ear.
By the way, it's very kind of you
to go to all this trouble, Jerry,
for a first date.
Oh, don't be silly. I'm just trying
to help you out, buddy.
How does that feel?
You say something?
Yeah, OK, so put it back in
and then I want you to go out there
so I can test the range.
OK?
Get out so I can test the range.
Yeah. Sorry. Now?
Yeah.
Now.
Yeah.
Can you hear me?
Yeah. It's kind of like
I've gone mad. (CHUCKLES)
OK. Don't say anything out loud.
Just just wave if you can hear me.
Hey.
Does it work both ways, then?
If I say something out loud,
can you hear me as well?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Joseph, my office.
(WHISPERS) What do you want me to do?
No, go for it.
This will be a good test.
Are you OK?
Oh, no Uh Yeah.
You got this, buddy. Come on.
If I were to go on Scorpio
and see how much analysis
you've completed this morning,
would I be pleased or disappointed?
Say anything but the truth.
I think pleased.
For a bit.
But then growing
more and more disappointed
as you realise just how much time
I'd also spent on Moonpig.
Jesus.
I've honestly run out
of things to say.
That makes a change.
That makes a change.
No.
Excuse me?
Sorry. Nothing.
This really is your final warning.
I mean it.
No more second chances.
No more "Oh, but Jerry told me
to do this,"
or "Jerry told me to do that."
Wait a minute.
Can she see the earpiece?
No.
I give up.
Turn your head away just in case.
No, the the other way.
No, your other To the right.
No, actually, turn
Go back. Turn around.
Just get out.
Turn around again. Go back. Go back.
You know what?
Get out of there.
Just get out of there.
Get out!
Yeah. This is going to work great.
OK, let me see what you're wearing.
What do you think?
Did you choose that fabric yourself?
No. Do you think I should pretend
that I did?
Definitely not.
OK.
But the stripes help, though, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
You look like
a well-dressed barcode.
Oh.
Yeah.
So, here, take one of these.
OK.
OK, I'm going to give you
a quick spray.
Right.
What are you doing?
Close your mouth. It's cologne.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah. Women love this shit.
Is that what it is?
Alright.
You're good to go.
OK.
And can you hear me OK?
Yeah. Got one in my wallet.
That's good.
(CRACKING)
Ooh. Whoops.
There we go.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hi.
I've got a reservation.
It's Joseph Harries.
Is she
Yeah, she's she's just over there.
Oh, great. OK. Thanks.
OK, so I might throw in
the odd question about her work
to keep it light,
but just go with it, OK?
Don't question anything.
Sure.
Hey. Charlotte. You look lovely.
Who are you?
Joseph.
I'm kidding.
Oh, God.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Oh.
Can I sit down?
Yeah.
Sorry I'm a little bit late.
I was trying to find
something nice to wear.
Did you not find anything?
(LAUGHS)
Did you not find anything?
Oh. No.
Um, just because I heard
that it's better for eye contact,
you wouldn't prefer a slightly
smaller seat, would you?
What, like a Charleston?
I could see if there's a high chair.
I can see you fine.
You know
You don't have like
a booster seat, do you?
Not for adults, no.
OK. Can I get another menu
in that case?
Won't be thick enough.
Can I get some more bread?
OK, so why don't you start
by asking her about work?
See see what she's working on
at the moment.
Eternal Blue,
that that kind of thing.
So what are you working on
at the moment?
Anything exciting?
Or?
You got a six-pack?
Who Who, me?
Uh, yeah. Yes.
I mean, you can't see it.
Because of the stripes.
Oh, no.
I just meant in general,
you can't really see it.
But if you push hard enough,
you can feel roughly
where it's meant to be.
Just ask her about work again.
So, I mean, what are you working on?
Alright. What can I get you?
Can I have some more bread, please?
I'd rather you just order.
We're very busy tonight.
OK, you know what?
You have to really impress her
with what you eat.
So recommend a dish
you've tried here before, OK?
Charlotte, that's
that's really nice.
I had the last time I was here.
Apple juice?
What
Yeah, it's just mind-blowing.
Would you like an apple juice?
Could you come to me last, please?
How big are your meatballs?
Tiny. But you get three.
OK, I've got the menu up here.
Uh, just order what I tell you.
I don't like mushrooms.
What was that?
What was that?
Um, uh, nothing.
I was just reminding myself
that I really don't like
(STATIC HUMS)
OK, tell them you start
with the mushroom bruschetta.
Can I start with
the mushroom bruschetta, please?
You trying to impress me?
I just fancied a bit
of a challenge. That's all.
Is it an allergy?
Yeah, it's quite serious.
No, no, don't say that.
It'll make you look weak.
But it's fine. It's fine.
I've got my EpiPen with me.
You know CPR right?
Ah. And for main?
Um
The main? Uh, the lobster bisque.
Say again?
And for main?
The lobster bisque.
The lobster bits.
The what?
Bis-KUH.
Thank you.
Alright. And for you, madam?
Can I get the mozzarella carottes,
the parmigiana, the salmon,
a salad,
some more bread, please.
And a bottle of red wine.
Oh, do you want red wine?
Oh, I'd love red wine.
Two bottles of red wine, please.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Oh
Yeah.
Give me the menu. Thanks.
OK, so let's shift the conversation
onto I don't know
..how much she knows about
the intel they captured
on Eternal Blue today.
Oh, shit.
What's wrong?
You need the toilet?
Do you need the toilet?
No.
It's just the lady who cleans
the offices just walked in.
Who, Uma?
So?
OK.
Just say it's awkward
because you used to bang.
Just a little bit awkward that
Hey.
..my boss is trying to clamp down
on cross-divisional relationships
and what with you working as GCHQ
Bude and me working at Cheltenham,
I just don't want
Don't worry about it. I used to do
improv at uni. It'll be fine.
Oh, here we go.
Hi.
Hey.
Thank you. Thank you.
Much, much better now.
Good.
So, yeah. You alright?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Good.
So this is
Sorry. His sister.
What?
Yeah, this is my
This is my sister.
Huh?
No.
No, no.
100% full sister.
Right. You'd never be able to tell.
(LAUGHS)
No. No, a few people have said that.
I think just because obviously
you know,
you're quite that much lighter.
Yeah.
Um
It's just 'cause, um
..I'm just very very frightened.
Yeah. Because she's just always
so frightened.
Right.
Well, have a good night.
Thank you. Take care. Bye.
See? (LAUGHS)
Very good. Very impressive.
(BOTH TALK INDISTINCTLY)
OK, listen, you're not getting
anywhere with this chick, OK?
You need to ask her more about work.
What's it like working at GCHQ Bude?
Have you
I love it.
I mostly just deal with
sex trafficking,
but I can do a lot of that
from the beach, so
Right.
What about you?
Well, gosh, we moved to Cheltenham
shortly after my mum died.
No kidding! Mine too.
How old?
What, her or me?
No, how old were you?
Me too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
How did yours die?
Mechanical engineer at BA.
Got sucked into a jet engine.
Oh, Charlotte, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no.
It's over really quick.
She went in faster
than the speed of sound.
Didn't even have time to scream.
What about yours?
Oh, really boring.
Just bowel cancer.
Oh, that's not boring.
Really?
No.
OK.
Are you serious?
Give me a fucking break.
Get that down you.
Oh, wow.
(LAUGHS) Mmm.
Everything all right with your food?
It's absolutely delicious.
Thank you.
You haven't touched it.
I'm just leaving room for dessert.
Is it possible to get
some more bread, please?
OK. OK. You know what?
Let's try a different approach.
Tell her you're thinking
of applying for a job
in analytics at GCHQ Bude.
I can't remember
if I mentioned this before,
but I'm actually thinking of applying
for a job in analytics at GCHQ Bude.
Because you want to see me again?
Oh. I mean, that would be lovely.
Scrap that. All these positions
require you to speak Mandarin.
Do you speak Mandarin?
Ah, comme ci, comme ca.
(LAUGHS)
You like that?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
OK, look, just ask her about
the digital fingerprint
they captured, OK?
Tell her I need it
to get a fix on a location.
I need the toilet.
Why?
Got to come out somewhere.
Oh.
OK, buddy, this is going so bad.
You really need to stick with
what I'm telling you to say.
Jerry, I'm not going to ask her
a departmental secret.
She might get fired.
Just say it's the only way
you'll know if you can trust her.
I already trust her.
Oh, come on, man!
You know how important
all this Eternal Blue shit is to me.
This could be my ticket home.
Hang on. Is that the only reason
you're doing all this?
What do you mean?
I'm just ordering dessert.
I thought
Someone's locked themselves
in the loo.
Going to have to hold it in.
Oh.
Come on, man, you can do this.
So what what brings you
to Cheltenham, then?
Is it, like, a work thing?
Um. Here to see you.
What, that's it?
Why? What's wrong with that?
No, no, that's No, that's great.
Just no-one's ever travelled
that far to see me before.
It's only three hours.
It's just straight up the M5.
You're not stop
No, no, I got the M5. Like a rocket.
So what
So where are you staying tonight?
Yours.
No. This is going nowhere.
(LIPS SMACK)
What's that noise?
Are you eating soup?
Shh. We're kissing.
I know.
See? I told you this would work. OK.
Now she's on side.
Ask her to send you
the signal analysis.
Do you get a bit of Rennie?
I don't think it's fully dissolved.
Alright. Who wants dessert?
We've already ordered.
When?
Sorry. Do you mind just giving us
one more minute?
Thank you.
OK. Um
So I'm going to say something
right now.
I completely understand if you just
want to get up and leave as a result.
But if you don't mind
hearing me out, that would be
Great. Go for it.
I'm wearing an earpiece.
What?!
Don't Don't tell her that.
A guy from my department wanted me
to try and get the intel
GCHQ captured on Eternal Blue
this morning.
But I swear, I didn't know that
until now.
He's just meant to be helping me out
because this is my first date
in 15 years
and I'm actually still a virgin.
Hmm. Can't tell.
That I'm still a virgin?
You're wearing an earpiece.
Well, I am.
(EARPIECE SQUEAKS, HUMS)
But you're not You're not mad?
Joseph, buddy, buddy, I'm
(VOICE DISTORTS)
(FEEDBACK WHINES)
Hello?
(SIGHS)
Shall we
Yeah.
I really need some more bread.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry. Do you mind not saying
anything to anyone?
We just don't want people at work
finding out
No, that's understandable.
Thank you.
Bye.
You haven't paid.
Oh
(SIGHS)
Want to grab a beer?
No.
Hooray, hooray, hooray
Trouble in on the way
They are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
From Bridlington to Bristol
That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We better all learn the lyrics
of the old Red Flag
And wait till we drop down dead. ♪
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian Broadcasting
Corporation