Intelligence (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Joseph, what's the latest on IS?
Do we have any matches?
JOSEPH: Yeah, kind of.
I'm having a little bit of trouble
trying to get our software
to distinguish between times
when someone has referred to IS
as in the Islamic State,
which is what I presume
we need to keep a record of,
versus times when they've simply
used the word 'is'.
You've spent the best part of a week
looking into all
nationwide communication
containing the word 'is'?
Yeah, I mean, you'd be surprised
how much it comes up.
Jerry, have you been able to get
a cyber trace
on where the Russians
might be operating from?
Well, first of all,
good morning, Chris.
And, no, my only guess is that
somehow they're able to operate
even when their main server's
asleep.
I'm a bit like that.
By the way, has the NSA reached out
to see how I'm getting on
with all this?
Yes, of course.
If word gets out that a weapon
designed by the NSA
is now in the hands of terrorists,
it's going to be the biggest
humiliation since Snowden.
Yeah, I was asking more about, like,
do they reach out to say hi? Or
But what you said was also
super important.
Right. No.
Also, just so that you know,
as part of GCHQ's commitment
to tackling sexual harassment
and discrimination in the workplace,
CySec has been assigned
Hilary Bowden,
who will be leading some workshops
during the day.
Is she GCHQ?
No, but she comes recommended
by Rupert and Downing Street.
And she's also worked closely
with Prince Andrew.
Not too closely, I hope.
And one final thing
(CROCKERY CLATTERS)
One final thing
..I'm delighted to announce
that CySec's new fire marshal
will be
..Evelyn.
Ah!
Was it close?
No.
What do you mean?
Well done.
Wait a minute.
You don't even apply for the role?
What role?
Does HR know?
It's fine. It's just something
to keep her active
and get her out of my office.
Chris, you can't just give that role
to your own daughter.
Why not?
Well, isn't that
What's it called when you
you favour a relative?
Incest?
If you're accusing me of nepotism
within GCHQ,
it's probably my grandmother
you need to speak to first.
Right. Where's she at?
Cheltenham Cemetery.
12 across, 4 down.
Oh, it's lovely round there.
That's bullshit.
If only it wasn't so obvious
that Evelyn has got the role
purely on merit.
Sorry, got what on merit?
Any update from the Russians
on how your mum is getting on?
Oh, they won't let me speak to her.
She's very strong-willed.
She once ate a glass vase.
That's Jerry
(PHONE CHIMES)
Come on, let's get this over again.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, hi.
I just want to make sure
you received my my donation
to the Women's Progressive
Liberal Library Fund.
Yes. $10,000.
Great. Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
How can I help you?
Hilary Bowden.
I'll be leading the harassment
and discrimination sessions today.
Oh, right. Right.
Jerry Bernstein, NSA.
Well. Aren't you
a breath of fresh air?
Oh, really? Why?
Oh, just that you're very
Um
Um, red. You're very red.
(CHUCKLES) Were you about to say
I was attractive?
Maybe. Uh
Would that have been OK?
Of course. Why not?
Well, it's just that, you know,
men like me are often
Ah, never mind.
No, go on.
No, it's just that, you know,
being a good-looking
straight white male these days
is kind of like having a target
on your back, you know?
Anyway, um, if you need anything
at all while you're here,
you just, you know, give me a nudge.
I'm a big fan of your
..of your harassment of
of anti-harassment
and and your work
and and discrimination.
Very important.
Well, then, shall we?
No, please.
No, please.
(CHUCKLES) OK.
(SMACK!)
Ooh! Hello.
After you.
How do you feel about sharing
the fire marshal position?
There's only one tabard.
Yeah. I know.
But I can always give it
a rinse in between.
I'm already
health and safety officer.
Oh, yeah, I know,
but ever since Elaine walked into
that sheet of glass
there's been nothing to do.
What do you want me to do?
Start a fire?
It's not really necessary. (LAUGHS)
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.
Good morning.
As you know,
my name is Hilary Bowden.
I'm an ambassador for CB
in the workplace.
I have experience with animals
and I am co-creator
of the biodegradable coil.
We are stretched for time.
So just to get the ball rolling,
I'd like to start
with maybe a general chat
about our own personal experiences
of harassment.
Would anyone like to go first?
Well
I Oh, no.
No.
You sure?
Yeah, you go.
So I often get teased quite a lot
because of my height.
I don't know if that counts
as harassment per se.
I see.
And from a psychological point
of view, does that get you down?
Well, I'm a lot closer to
the ground, if that's what you
Is that what you meant?
But do you ever find it restricting?
Oh, no. No, not
I mean, you know, within reason
I can fit into any size space.
Like a squid?
Or a gas.
And Jerry, as the alpha of the pack,
have you always been this tall?
Yeah, since birth.
I'm I'm tall everywhere.
And are you now at your maximum
height, do you think?
Actually, I could feel myself
growing right now.
Lovely.
OK, so I would like to try
a little bit of role play.
Mary and Joseph,
Come help me at the front here.
Jerry, could you please
chair for me, please?
(SMACK!)
Ooh!
OK, so I want you to imagine
that Mary has been bullying Joseph
for his height, say
Oh, why?
Well, actually, that's a good point.
In theory, why else might we want
to make fun of Joseph?
I don't know the best way to say
this. The colour of his skin?
Yes. Thank you.
His intellect.
Size of his nose?
The way he dresses.
I think that's probably enough.
His one brow.
Jerry, I think that
Yes, that's a good amount
of variables.
And which one of these are you
most comfortable talking about, Mary?
Oh, probably, um
..the colour of his skin?
Yes, I agree.
At least in theory
that's certainly the most obvious.
I don't know.
That nose is pretty big
Jerry
So I want you to imagine
that you've had a run-in with Joseph
and you've ended up saying
something racist.
And do you want me to actually
say the word out loud?
Well, do you have
a particular word in mind?
A few, yes.
Oh, but only because Mum
used to talk in her sleep.
Right.
Just for my write-up, Christine, what
proportion of the office is black?
Sorry, I believe the correct term
is African-American.
I think quite a lot of the furniture
is black.
Sorry, African-American.
Of course, we have very few, if any,
African-Americans working here.
What? How do you get away with that?
OK, I think that's enough.
Yeah.
Now we can all relax.
How does that make you feel, Joseph?
I guess it made me feel
a bit more white.
Hilary, given that I hang out
with Joseph so much,
does that mean I can never be
accused of being a racist?
OK, well, let's break that down,
shall we?
Does your friendship with Joseph
ever feel like a conscious decision?
Never.
Absolutely.
I mean, a little bit of both.
It's not an act of pity
or self-defence.
How would it be
an act of self-defence?
Well, perhaps it makes Jerry feel
more powerful
surrounding himself with people
of colour.
Like a mwana.
Yeah.
No. I'd never do that.
That's not to say I don't feel
powerful around you, buddy,
but I think anyone would.
OK. So, this next bit's actually
taken from my latest book.
It's just a scenario
that I'd like you to mull over
before we break for lunch.
Now, what if Jerry invited Joseph
over to his house
He's staying in a hotel.
OK. So, imagine he invites him
over to his hotel
and cooks him a dinner.
Doesn't have a kitchen.
Well, let's just assume
it's a suite.
I'm sure they'd upgrade me
if I asked.
Can't you just use
the hotel kitchen?
That was going to be my question.
Jesus.
No. I don't want to hang out
with those guys.
I'm trying to cook Joseph
a nice romantic children's meal.
The point is, Jerry ends up cooking
Joseph a really big, vibrant curry.
You wrote a book about this?
I quite like curry.
Oh, there you go.
See, the question is, though,
is that racist?
No way.
I'm just using up all
the ingredients I had left over.
I thought that was pancake day.
But is this a sign that
we have preconceived ideas of people?
No. I'm just trying to cook my best
friend in London
Cheltenham.
..Cheltenham, his favourite meal.
I never said
it was my favourite.
See?
Yeah.
But I'd do the same for anyone.
I mean, apart from Tuva, maybe.
Why?
What would you cook for me?
I'm imagining a more fragrant,
spicy kind of noodle thing.
Surely that's time.
With a side of crickets.
What the fuck?
Are we not doing the bit in the role
play where I call Joseph a
Wow.
Phones off.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, move.
Ow.
God.
Move up.
Yeah.
Hilary just grabbed my junk, again.
What? Why?
Maybe it's some kind of game,
like a perverted version
of bop it.
Whatever it is,
I think she's winning.
Are you going to say something?
I don't know.
I mean, what if
she's just really into me?
What if she's not?
Well, then
I'm going to tell on her.
To Chris?
What's going on?
It's just
Hilary groped Jerry's crotch.
He wants to tell Chris.
Oh.
Pass it along.
Something about Jerry
and Chris' crotch.
I didn't really catch it.
You caught something?
I don't know.
But we all have to pass it on.
Jerry's got an STD.
What?
Pass it on.
Ooh. No. Gross.
Jerry's got syphilis again.
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
It's sexual harassment time.
What I want to examine is what's
acceptable in the workplace,
what's unacceptable
and ultimately what's illegal.
Yeah, me too.
Can anyone give me an example
of something that's illegal
in the workplace?
Homicide?
Yes, but I'm particularly interested
in those muddier areas.
Who uses kisses
at the end of their emails?
And how does everyone else
feel about that?
How do you think?
The only thing that bothers me
is when the whole email
is just a kiss.
Even the subject line?
Yeah.
There's, like, kisses everywhere.
Yeah.
In my defence. I think
a lot of those were group emails.
They were.
Yeah.
Why haven't I received one of them?
I don't know.
You'd have to check
your mailbox settings.
OK.
I sometimes use hugs
at the end of my emails.
What's a hug?
Kind of like
No. Get off.
No, I mean how do you write a hug
in email?
Oh, well, I type a big capital O
or I use open and close brackets.
Just to offer you
my professional opinion,
and I'd say the same
to the royals,
I'd worry that might look
a little like an entranceway.
Huh?
What, like I'm inviting someone in.
Yeah, baby.
And is that allowed?
What, yeah, baby?
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
It's harmless, isn't it?
It's just, like, two words.
So is 'sugar tits'.
Thank you.
Christine, how do you usually sign
off your emails?
Would you ever use a kiss?
No.
I only ever sign off with an X
if I want that person killed.
Mmm. Tony Blair does that.
Is that why you keep
doing that to me?
No. If I wanted you killed, I'd
probably just do it in your sleep.
Oh, my God.
So, one additional thing I'm keen
to examine within these sessions
is the degree to which our decisions
are affected by unconscious bias.
I wouldn't know.
Exactly.
So, the best way I like to test this
is by imagining
that the building is on fire
and working out
who you would save first.
BOTH: Jerry.
Quentin.
Joseph.
Mum.
Mary.
Oh.
You're the lightest.
Well, no.
Try and ignore all other factors.
So, let's pretend
that you're Superman
and therefore the size and weight
of an individual isn't important.
So, assuming you're Superman, Jerry,
would Mary, be your first choice
as well?
Oh, I'm not sure.
I'd be worried about her wig
catching fire and damaging my cape.
It's not a wig.
What about me?
Oh, well, you'll be OK
for a few hours
in your mum's glass box up there.
Not if it melts.
Oh, Tuva.
Chris, I'm sure you'd want to save
Evelyn at some point.
Well, I wouldn't want to be accused
of nepotism, would I?
So you'd rather I burnt to death?
To be honest, I don't think
any of this would have happened
if I'd have been made fire
marshal in the first place.
So, what we actually recommend
is a way of avoiding unconscious bias
within this scenario is to save
people, but in alphabetical order.
Oh, great.
Starting with you, Christine.
What?
Followed by Evelyn.
Great.
And it would be me, Hilary.
If I happened to be around.
Yes. What a shame you're only here
for one day of the year.
Like Santa Claus.
Or a smear test.
Yes.
What I want to look at now
is physical interaction.
Now, I will warn you that some
of this is quite sensitive,
but I did try some of these
techniques out
at a COBRA meeting last week,
so they are perfectly safe.
Jerry, do you mind joining me
at the front, please?
So, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to demonstrate
how to hug a colleague the correct
way from a legal point of view.
OK, so here we go.
And out one, two and then off.
Now, if you want to put a bit
of force back into your push back
just to prove there's no agenda
there, that's absolutely fine.
But what if your colleague
has just witnessed something
horrendous on the Web
and you feel
like a longer hug is necessary,
so you might want to go
for a one, two, three and then a
Oh, Jesus.
OK? So why don't we
all give that a go?
Shall I hug you?
Careful. She's ancient.
OK, I'm here, I'm here.
That was awkward actually.
Yeah.
On the count of three, I want
you to all arrange yourselves
in order of who you feel
is most likely
to be taken advantage of.
One, two, three, go.
Fantastic. Now please sit back down.
I have a question.
Sure.
What if someone were to,
I don't know, say,
grab your ass or your crotch,
would I report that
as sexual harassment or
What?
Or would I correctly interpret that
as someone having
extremely strong feelings for me?
I wouldn't have thought so, no.
Really?
Then why is that person going around
grabbing people's crotches?
I guess because
it makes them feel powerful,
especially when they know that no-one
will ever believe the other party.
What? Why would they do that?
I mean, that's totally fucked up.
I know.
But sadly, it's what the science
shows us again and again.
OK.
For those of you who don't know
what's going on here,
Hilary grabbed my crotch
and my tush earlier, multiple times.
OK, so now might be a good time
to look at how best to deal
with false accusations.
What?
Mary, would you mind joining us,
please?
Wait, wait. This is bullshit.
She's lying.
So, Jerry, what I want you to do
is just demonstrate
what you believe happened
as part of a role play.
Fine. On you or Mary.
BOTH: On Mary.
Oh, no, no, nuh nuh nuh.
I know I'm not falling for this.
Alright. There might be a trap.
Mary, is it a trap?
I don't think so.
No-one's ever called it that before.
And what if it
were the other way round?
Well, like, I grab her ass.
What if she were to grab you?
Now?
No.
Whenever you're ready.
Mary, what the fuck?
Isn't someone
going to say something?
Sorry. Are we still in the roleplay?
Yes.
No.
I'm really confused.
Great. Are we done?
Mary, thank you.
What?
Are you all just going to sit there?
Chris.
I'm sorry. I was miles away.
And what Jerry's doing here
is pretending to object.
No, I'm not.
Oh, that's really clever.
Why would I do that?
To demonstrate what happens
when someone cries wolf.
Well, I'm not
I'm not crying wolf, OK?
It really happened.
That's exactly what the boy said.
Well, I'm being serious this time.
He said that, too.
Oh, I get it.
So you and Hilary were in cahoots.
Yes.
What? No.
Wonderful. A happy finish.
And of course, the sad thing
about a false accusation
is not only does it make
the individual look stupid,
but it also undermines
those cases where someone
has genuinely been harassed.
I have been harassed.
Joseph, when I came back in here,
what's the first thing
I said to you?
Move up.
No. After that.
That you think
she's really into, you.
No. Not that.
That you've got syphilis.
Yeah, no. What?
Is that what you said?
I must have misheard.
No, no.
OK, I'm genuinely starting to think
that you guys are all in on this.
Well, it is common for men
like you to try and play the victim.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just say "men like me"?
What, you don't think
men like me can get harassed?
Well, then you don't know about
time
Wonderful and we're out of it.
Fantastic.
Wait, no, no, you can't.
You can't just do that.
And we're back in.
Time's up, I'm afraid, Jerry.
OK. Oh, no.
You know what? No, you were right.
You do have syphilis.
No, I mean, we're in cahoots.
Oh.
Hilary and I have been in cahoots
the whole time.
I mean, this whole thing
has been planned.
Her grabbing my junk was planned
her grabbing my back thingy
was planned.
This, this was planned right there.
That's planned. Yeah.
And this this was planned
and this is planned.
And this is planned.
And we're out of it.
No, what, what? Hi. Yes.
Just so you know,
I won't be pressing charges.
Thank you. Me neither.
I just have to attend a three-day
anti harassment course.
Yes, me too.
See you there.
Oh.
Hooray, hooray, hooray
Misery's here to stay
There are bad times
just around the corner
There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky
It's as clear as crystal
from Brislington to Bristol
We can't save democracy
and we don't much care
We better all learn the lyrics
of The Old Red Flag
And wait until
we drop down dead. ♪