It's A Funny Old Week (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Episode 2

Hello, I'm Jason Manford.
Welcome to It's a Funny Old Week.
We are here with the important and
not so important news of the week.
Camelot announced a dramatic
They are adding ten numbers
to the National Lotto draw.
You would be a good audience on that
By adding ten new numbers, they are
adding the numbers 50-59.
Alan is not adding ten-teen.
If you can do the maths without
getting a brain aneurysm,
it is like dogging,
the more balls there are, the less
likely you get the ball you want.
I found the level with you, the maths
was throwing you.
When I mentioned dogging,
you were in.
Chris Evans has been named as the
host of Top Gear.
How do we feel about that?
Would you rather it not be made
at all?
Cut off my nose to spite my face.
Just watch reruns on Dave.
Than see someone else hosting it.
He has also announced there will be
open auditions for the roles of
What will they be looking for?
A love of cars, a sense of humour,
the ability to knock someone
in the face
if they bring you the
wrong kind of snack.
I'm only two out of three.
The audition tapes flooded in.
Oh, my God!
Chris Evans, I think we have found a
new Stig.
Exciting political news this week
was the announcement
of the four candidates for the Labour
Party leadership.
It'll be on iPlayer.
To stand for Labour leadership, you
need 35 signatures.
I saw a petition for punching people
in the back of the head.
They all talked about the same
reconnecting, learning from mistakes
and regaining trust.
It sounded like they were in bloody
marriage guidance.
All you really have to do is be
better than the last three leaders,
don't you? Learn how to eat a bacon
butty, do not call woman bigots,
do not start an illegal war.
Surprisingly, the Labour leadership
was not the biggest political story
of the week.
It was actually a mayor in Spain.
What the hell is wrong with her
That one has gone wee, wee, wee
all the way home.
It is a terrible fashion faux pas to
keep your toes sticking out of your
I don't have to worry about that
because I wear socks with mine.
We cannot really criticises anyone
else's mayor.
Look at the mayor of our biggest
This is the week
Boris Johnson was caught on camera
giving a black cab driver specific
where he would like him to go.
I don't mean to be pedantic, that is
the only order you can do that in.
This was not a Tory speaking honestly
about their plans for NHS patients
but rather, a dispute with a London
black cab driver about the worldwide
taxi app UBER.
If you take an unlicensed minicab,
you are likely get bummed to in the
It is a tough choice for the
sake of a fiver.
The app cleverly let's you select
your budget.
At the top end a flash comfortable
and at the bottom end you get
strapped to the roof rack.
One of the reason it is cheaper than
Black Cabs
is that they are funded by Google.
They ploughed $258 million into the
Prince Philip, the Bay of Biscay,
the DNA of the domestic gerbil.
Google continues to expand, it will
own the entire planet by 2045.
All children will have to get a
Google tattoo in the womb.
Not as well trained as proper
anyone with gloves and a mobile phone
can be one.
If you don't like it, you are free
not to have children. That is how it
In Middlesbrough this week, five
primary school children
were left heartbroken when they were
told that there was not enough room
to take the whole class on a dream
trip to Disneyland Paris.
Teachers drew the names at random
out of a hat.
For the ones who weren't going. That
is not how names out of a hat works.
We are not in the Hunger Games.
How harsh is that? Nine years old.
Timothy. You are not going.
Since we are talking about
our next guest is one. He is a
terrific comedian and supported me
on tour since he was 12 years old.
Please welcome Jack Carroll.
A big week for me this week. I
finished school.
It is great because it is rubbish.
Kids my age were getting stressed
about exams.
Panicking about revision. I have got
a simple trick to deal with that,
a simple secret. That secret is to
not bother.
Play computer games. Or glue. That
is a good one.
Despite my dislike of school, I did
do really well in my exams, I got an
Unfortunately, it was in between
an F and IL.
I have done history GCSE.
In history we're learning about the
It got me thinking. When God sees a
religious war kicking off,
does he think "I like Muslims
and I like Christians but which is
There is only one way to find out.
My teachers do not think that is
Some of my friends are doing GCSEs
so they can become teachers.
They are just adding to the problem,
as far as I'm concerned.
I don't like school,
have you guessed that?
They are adding to the problem.
I'm wondering how the interview to
become a teacher goes?
Take a seat. Some questions to see
if you are suitable.
Do you have bad breath and/or body
Oh, you do, oh, great.
One more question. Do you have
little or no sense of humour?
You have got the job!
I think that is the criteria.
One of the worst parts of school for
me is actually getting up.
I hate getting up for school.
To combat this,
I bought myself a teasmade.
P Diddy has a teasmade.
I set it to local radio.
It was that annoying that I had to
get up to turn it off.
One day a story came on the local
all people with cerebral palsy will
be dead by the year 2035.
I could tell you I woke
up with a start that morning.
I was quickly out of bed.
Back to the topic of exams,
I get 25 minutes extra just for
being disabled in my exam.
It is funny, I do not even use the
allotted time.
As soon as I get in there I am
raising my arm to go.
25 minutes extra just because I'm
If I leave you with one sentiment, I
want it to be this,
it is brilliant
being disabled, you should try it.
Don't go crazy, you want it at
around my level.
We get a nice big toilet but you can
wipe your own arse while you are
I have been Jack Carroll, thank you.
Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen.
Right, you, bed.
That is all for this part, join us
again in a couple of minutes.
Welcome back
to It's A Funny Old Week.
In sport news, England's women are
about to kick off their World Cup
second round match against Norway.
Some critics have said the women's
World Cup is not like real football.
They are right, England are still in it.
I'm a huge fan of women's football.
I think it is better a lot of the
time, there is no diving,
no play-acting, no-one argues with the
referee, you just go in a mood with him.
Just occasionally bring up old
decisions from years ago.
Before we move on, we are going
to get serious for a moment.
This is a charity appeal.
This is Rachel.
Rachel is an addict.
It started when I was about 17.
I was just posting pictures on
I developed a bit of a habit. Then
it spiralled out of control.
I had moved on to the hard stuff.
The selfie stick.
I scored my first of a dealer.
I had to hide it from my family.
Then I hit rock bottom.
I was using the selfie stick here,
there and everywhere.
Even at my nan's funeral.
Places like Wimbledon, music
are finding them to be at toxic
I needed help. I had a problem.
Thankfully I found help.
To help people like Rachel, please
just text LOSER.
Thank you.
Very brave girl.
One of my favourite stories of this
week is from Germany.
A spurned boyfriend cut everything he
and his girlfriend had
jointly owned in two after they split
Including an iPhone, a TV, even
their car.
I wonder if it occurred to him that
she left him
because he was a psychotic bellend
who would do things like that.
The dog must be shitting itself.
In Manchester this week
A brilliant headline.
The candidate lost her temper and
would not budge
from the Manchester
office for 90 minutes.
I can imagine how the interview went.
Where do you see yourself in five
years? Sat here. Sat here.
That is fantastic. He performed the
honours at a young friend's wedding
doing a speech on the day and
organising the stag do.
It is just a great story. Imagine
being on a rival stag do
and come up against them
You think it would be a piece of piss
and then you remember they beat the
Sometimes you see the headlines and
how we are the most successful animal
on the planet.
This man turned round to see a
reflection of himself in a shop
He head-butted it. Breaking the
and causing hundreds of pounds of
The best thing about the story, it is
not the headline,
if he had not pleaded guilty to
criminal damage,
and the defence argued successfully
that he was spooked
and head-butted his reflection, he
would have been charged
with attempted assault On himself.
What a court case that would be. Sat
there with a compact mirror.
The happiest news came from Scotland.
A man carried out an amazing social
He stood blindfolded in the city
offering free hugs to strangers as a
test of trust.
It was designed to show how Glasgow
once the murder capital of Europe
had changed over the past ten years.
Let's have a look.
A lot of love shown for him there.
I wondered if the Glaswegians would
do the same for me.
I went to meet him. Let's get ready.
What do you think?
How many hugs do you think I will
get? I don't know.
I have a feeling the England shirt
is not helping.
# All by myself
Is that people staring at me.
Feel the love and people come
towards you.
The first one. It is working.
Oh, good man.
Come on, pal.
Love across-the-border.
I have done a little fart.
I hope no-one comes in for a hug in a
I hope she didn't breathe in.
Nice work, Glasgow.
Time now for entertainment news.
First up, it is the big news that
after months of rumours,
The X Factor line-up has been
Nick Grimshaw and Rita Ora join.
Rita is replacing Louis Walsh.
He seems to have disappeared without
a trace, and worried he is gone to
Syria to become a Jihadi bride.
In Holland last Monday,
John Coffey became global sensations
because their lead singer did this.
Bearing in mind, the sort of things
that people throw at festivals,
he didn't take long to check that it
was beer.
After an anxious wait, the fourth
book of 50 Shades of Grey is out.
The story picks up the tale of the
attractive but troubled billionaire.
I'm sorry, if you're attractive and
a billionaire,
you have as much right to be troubled
as Brad Pitt finding a grey pube.
I would like to share a David versus
Goliath story with you.
David is a mum from Canvey Island
and the Goliath is a driver for a bus
company in Essex.
It is time to stand up for the little
People get in trouble for all
war crimes, tax evasion.
Not many have got in trouble for the
terrible crime of
Trying to pay a bus fare with
exactly the right amount of change.
But Laura Polly did. She was trying
to pay her 60p bus fare.
She had 35p in normal coins, whatever
they are, and
Made up the rest with 25p in coppers.
What she hadn't counted on was a bus
driver who
A, knew that under the coinage act
of 1971,
you are technically only
allowed to use copper coins
up to 20p in any one transaction.
More importantly, B, actually gave a
shit about it.
Laura quite rightly refused to get
The driver did the obvious thing, not
get on with his job.
Called the police.
Ironically, getting more coppers
This is not just a moral issue. This
is about patriotism.
These coins have the Queen's face on
You turn down these coins, you are
insulting an 89-year-old woman,
and the whole nation.
Back to Laura. She is here with us
tonight. Come on up, Laura.
Welcome, our hero.
We want to make sure this kind of
thing never happens again.
It is not a nice thing to go through.
We have two things for you.
Number one, your very own copy of the
1971 Coinage Act.
Read it, learn it, tattoo it on
your soul
and two, to make up for your 60p bus
I will pay for you to have
an all-expenses-paid
luxury journey in a limousine.
Home to Canvey Island.
Will you accept this gift on behalf
of a grateful country? I will.
God bless you.
That's all for Funny Old Week.
See you next week.
Good night.
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