It's A Funny Old Week (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Whey! Hello.
Good evening.
Welcome to It's A Funny Old Week.
The show in which I look back
at the lighter side of the news
from the past seven days.
There was momentous news in America
as the US Supreme Court
legalised gay marriage.
Thousands of American homophobes
are up in arms
about the gay marriage decision.
Some even threatened
to move to Canada,
where it's been legal for ten years.
If you're on Facebook,
you will no doubt be aware
that lots of right-thinking people
celebrated the decision
by adding a rainbow
to their profile picture.
Have we all done that?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Hollywood hard man
Arnold Schwarzenegger joined in,
and came under attack
from bigoted trolls who asked,
"What's wrong with you, Arnie?
I have to unlike."
To which The Terminator brilliantly
replied, "Hasta la vista."
On Thursday the Daily Star warned
of a testicle-eating killer fish
heading to the UK.
Only women laughing, weirdly.
"We'll get a couple of them."
Testicle-eating fish, sounds awful.
As someone who has already got
five kids,
I'm starting to see the positives.
No expensive trip to the hospital,
just pop one of them in the bath
and put on a bit of Germolene.
And talking of ballbags,
it was Glastonbury this weekend.
And it was headlined
by the ever humble Kanye West.
Kanye said on stage, this is
a his actual quote, he said -
I suppose being the greatest living
rock star
doesn't necessarily mean
remembering all the words.
# Open your eyes
# Look up to the skies and see
# I'm just a poor boy
# I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come, easy go ♪
My God, where's a bottle
of warm piss when you need it?
I'm surprised you can hear him
over the sound of Freddie Mercury
spinning in his grave.
It's a funny old week.
(APPLAUSE)
Summer is in full flow now,
and that means it's wedding season.
And wedding season
means wedding videos.
Here's my favourite from this week.
We've all heard of Bridezilla,
let's have a look at Priestzilla.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
It might just be different countries
have got different
wedding traditions.
Over here we throw the bouquet,
over there the priest
kicks a drummer up the arse.
You can't judge.
A glider pilot in French Guiana had
an unexpected stowaway this week.
(APPLAUSE)
That cat has got a face that says,
"I've got nine lives,
I'm gonna bloody enjoy 'em."
In Scotland,
football club Partick Thistle
unveiled their new club mascot.
It's the yellow one.
The one that looks like Spongebob
Squarepants is on crystal meth.
When you pick a mascot it needs
to be something the fans recognise.
Something everyone can relate to.
This is Scotland
and they have chosen the sun.
The mascot designer said
of his creation -
That is a man who has never been
to the football.
No-one uses the term 'one'
at football.
"Excuse me, ref,
but one is beginning to think
you're a bit of a wanker."
If you think the Thistle mascot
is weird,
rest assured,
America will always go one weirder.
Fifa is currently deciding
between the candidates
for the 2022 Qatar World Cup
mascot.
This is the favourite so far,
Colin Cash.
He's up there against
Harry Heatstroke.
And Shakib, the underpaid
Bangladeshi labourer.
A global economic crisis looms
as the Greek government
has until tomorrow
to repay the IMF E1.5 billion.
People say that if Greece
leave the Euro,
they'll be like a new country,
or Greece 2.
And we know how shit that was.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I know, I know.
The Germans have suggested
that the Greeks pay off their debts
by selling them
some of their islands.
Which at least is an improvement
on the old-fashioned German way
of gaining territory.
At times as desperate as these,
they may have just one option left.
What's really scary is that
tourism is one of the few industries
still profitable in Greece.
They are basically relying on the
British to drink them out of debt.
And do you know what?
I think we can do it.
A few more lads' holidays
and a hen do from Wigan,
and we could get them
in the black by September.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Get over there.
Research has revealed
that British tourists
could lose up to ã350m a year
because they don't have basic maths
skills and can't convert currency.
Maybe if we'd done
currency conversion at school
instead of all that bloody algebra
we'd be all right, eh?
More than a quarter of people polled
- that's 50% -
said
(LAUGHTER)
..said they'd bought overpriced
souvenirs they later regretted.
Look, I went on holiday to Benidorm
in 2001 with the lads.
Two of them got arrested,
another fell off a quad bike
and one of them
still hasn't made it home yet.
If your only regret
from your holidays
is buying a novelty sombrero for
40 euros, you're doing all right.
This week saw over 500 new words
added to the Oxford English
Dictionary.
A couple of the new ones are
Freegan - that's someone who eats
food they've retrieved from bins.
Or as we say in our house, the dog.
Or my brother Colin,
he sometimes does it.
And there's Fo' shizzle -
which means "I'm a dickhead".
That's the only people
who seem to say it.
Fo' shizzle actually means
'for sure'.
But I wondered
if the public would know,
so we decided to find out.
Fo' shibble.
Fo' sickle.
Fo' shibble.
Something to do with a photo?
Chiselling something?
A description of somebody's fashion.
Excessively interested
in your own country
to the exclusion others may be?
What, fo' shickle?
Yes. Possibly. Oh.
For sure. Fo' shizzle.
We're not very street aware, are we?
BOTH: FOMO? FOMO? It's not
these modern pillows, is it?
No. No. I would think that's
something to do with washing up.
No, I think it's something to do
with a phobia of some sort.
Fear of men only.
Eff off!
Mating in the office.
Foam parties.
Mating orgies. No. Be sensible!
Can I tell her?
(It is fear of missing out.)
Fear of missing out, right.
Well, we have missed out.
(APPLAUSE)
Lovely.
Next up, it's time to look at
the news in your area.
Let's start with the big ones.
First up
I know what you're thinking, "Hang
on, Jason, you're joking about this,
but if that was a gingernut,
that's ABH."
They're rock hard, man.
The Stoke Sentinel offered us
this classic headline on Thursday.
Luckily there was footage
to go with it.
(LAUGHING)
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
It's something when those trousers
aren't the most embarrassing thing.
Hot news from the Leicester Mercury
this week.
There's nothing about that headline
I like.
That's not what you want to hear
in the bedroom, is it?
"Look how many of these I got
for a fiver!"
I've seen the people who shop
in Poundland.
I can't imagine Ethel getting home
and saying,
"I've been to Poundland, Ned,
I've got a multi-pack of Polish
washing up liquid, some Toffifee,
and you'll never guess what else?
I got yourself a new cock ring!"
It's not right, is it?
Who thought that was a good idea?
I've got one very simple rule,
if it cost a pound,
don't put it inside you.
That's what I call a dil-don't.
That's all for this part,
but join us again in a few minutes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to
It's a Funny Old Week.
Now, according to reports
out this week,
one in four kids
considers playing videogames
as partaking in physical exercise.
Playing videogames is exercise
in the same way
that watching Casualty
is doing a medical degree.
The study also said that
children nowadays
don't know how to play cards.
I can kind of see why.
If you were given the choice
between Grand Theft Auto,
where you can drive around,
run people over and commit crimes
or Snap
Which one are you picking?
Continuing on the sporting theme now
is a comedian who I have worked with
for over 15 years.
You might recognise him
from The Chase.
(CHEERING) I am thrilled to
introduce the very funny Paul Sinha!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thanks, Jason.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Paul Sinha.
I love my sport.
Not taking part, obviously.
Look at my figure.
It can most politely
be described as plump,
or Manford-esque.
(APPLAUSE)
I have always been obsessed
with watching sport.
For that, I must thank
my inspirational mum and dad,
who many years ago took me to
one side when I was a kid and said,
"Paul, you are shit at sport.
Probably best off just watching it."
And so I do. I watch all the sports.
At this time of year,
I get so excited.
I thought I'd be spared
the anxiety and terror
of being an England football fan
at a World Cup.
By the way, for any Scots
in the room,
a World Cup is like
this big football tournament
that they have
(APPLAUSE)
..every four years.
I thought I'd be spared all that
anxiety, but I haven't been,
because the women's England
football team have been playing.
They have been magnificent,
I think it's fair to say.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
They are in the semifinals!
Have you seen
who is in the semifinals?
England and America are playing
Japan and Germany. Hm
Sounds a little familiar,
to be honest with you.
Here is the thing.
I have friends, good friends,
who just won't have this
women's football thing.
Won't, indeed, have female
commentators or female referees.
How blind do you have
to be to look at football
and think that women
are the problem?
The last time I looked,
it was male corrupt
FIFA administrators,
male multibillionaire chairmen using
football clubs as a plaything,
and male players cheating, diving,
spitting, biting for 94 minutes,
whilst trying to avoid missiles
from the male members of the crowd.
Apparently, women are the problem
with football (!)
Hey, sisters?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
If any of you are wondering
just how it is that I know
that it's men chucking the missiles,
women can't throw.
That's just one of those things.
I am joking, of course!
Straight women can't throw.
It's not just women's football.
Wimbledon is upon us.
I love Wimbledon.
I love that moment the player
hits the ball into the net.
The ball gets stuck and the crowd
laugh like it's the funniest thing
they have ever seen in their lives.
I love the announcement the BBC make
on the first day at Wimbledon.
"Let's see how many Brits make it
into week two at Wimbledon."
Within 36 hours,
they solemnly announce,
"Andy Murray is the last
British player left in Wimbledon."
Because I love Andy Murray.
I am terrified
of Scotland going independent,
because I do not want to lose
Andy Murray.
I don't care if Andy Murray thinks
himself British or Scottish.
I just want him
to win the whole thing
for England.
There are, of course, other
big sporting events this summer.
The big one is the Ashes.
England versus Australia.
Not surprisingly, I love my cricket.
Look at my cultural background.
I am English.
Of course I love my cricket.
On that subject, a lot of people
ask me, "Where is your white suit?"
But they also ask me
"Paul, who do you support
when England play India at cricket?"
That is a complicated question,
requiring detailed understanding
of ethnicity and nationality.
But the answer is,
whoever is winning.
I really am that shallow.
Good luck to the England
cricket team this summer.
Good luck to all the great British
sports stars.
Be inspired by the saying,
"It does not matter
whether you win or lose.
Except it really,
really does matter."
Thank you.
I've been Paul Sinha. Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Paul Sinha! Fantastic. Fantastic.
Time now for Entertainment News.
BBC Breakfast presenters
were mocked by viewers
when they apologised
for Alan Titchmarsh's use
of a perfectly innocent and genuine
gardening term.
Double digging, digging to
two spade's blades's depth.
There is another name for it,
which sounds dreadful.
It is called bastard trenching.
By the end, you realise it is
a very fitting name for it.
It is a terribly difficult
thing to do.
We apologise for some of the
language used there.
No, no, no.
It is a term in a gardening book.
I shan't repeat it.
It is not offensive at all.
Thank you very much, and apologies
if people were offended.
Poor Alan! The BBC apologised for
"bastard trenching",
but see nothing wrong
with a program called Countryfile.
Hypocrisy! Hypocrisy.
What's wrong with people?
Everyone is so easily offended
these days.
Bastard trenching
is simply the process
of double digging the soil
to get rid of the fucking weeds.
It's a legitimate gardening term.
In fact, you can read all about it
in Alan Titchmarsh's book,
The Great Big Fuck-Off Book Of
Gardening.
"Whether I'm buggering my turnips
or simply spunking my radishes,
it's the perfect
gardener's companion."
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
The Americans are remaking
Only Fools And Horses.
"Nice and easy, Trig.
Know what I mean?"
My favourite show this week
is called Surviving Marriage
on Lifetime.
The show aims to help
troubled relationships.
But how is it going to help them?
Counselling? Maybe a luxury holiday?
Buying each other gifts?
What do they think
will help their marriage?
This is a radical new therapy
for couples in crisis.
Can a couple on the brink of divorce
survive in the wilderness?
No. I don't think they could.
I thought you were going to say,
"..get a babysitter?".
Not everyone was up for it,
of course.
This was one woman's reaction
to being told
she was going to
have to spend time,
just her and her husband,
in the middle of nowhere.
(VOMITS)
Look at him.
He doesn't miss a trick, does he?
Look at him.
I am being sceptical,
but maybe being outdoors will help
the couple talk through things.
I went and got you a new car.
I know, and I should have
just been grateful (!)
You have no sense of mechanics.
It was my vehicle.
It was my vehicle.
I drove it.
I paid for it. Exactly.
I don't come in the kitchen and
tell you how to cook dinner. Wow!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Just stop talking! Stop talking!
You're going to be sleeping
in the spare tent at this rate, pal.
Still, they are learning
how to get on with each other.
(READS) Damien,
by not allowing Randi to work,
you have left her feeling
powerless and voiceless.
Randi, take this shovel
and bury Damien up to his neck.
Hang on, love.
Don't be too hasty here.
I know he's a bit of a knobhead,
but he didn't mean that thing
about the kitchen.
Anyway, maybe they mean
burying Damien metaphorically
up to his neck, not literally?
When you don't let me work,
I feel helpless.
Like I am completely at the will
of your good fortune.
I see where you are coming from.
You get it?
Oh, I get it.
He is going to say that, isn't he?
She is burying him
up to his neck in dirt!
Who is the marriage counsellor
on this show, Stephen King?
Maybe there is something in it.
After all the burying with shovels,
they can sit down calmly,
surrounded by nature,
and discuss things that bother them
about each other,
without raised voices
or violent behaviour.
(YELLS)
I forgive you for nagging me!
(SCREAMS)
I forgive you for being dismissive!
I forgive you for being moody!
I forgive you for being insensitive!
Amazing.
(APPLAUSE)
I'm no expert, but I don't think
they've forgiven each other (!)
Now, it's time for me
to make a stand for someone
who has been wronged by the system.
Or as Alan Titchmarsh might call it,
the bastard system.
That's right. It's time to
Stand Up For The Little Guy.
This is the story of Tom Rolfe
from South Wales,
who has been thrown out of Canada
after being accused of working
without a permit.
Immigration officials
saw photos on Tom's phone
of him helping his girlfriend
do some plastering.
They accused him of
"doing a Canadian out of a job".
Now, firstly,
if his DIY is anything like mine,
he is actually creating jobs
for Canadians.
Secondly, what weird logic is that?
Tom was doing DIY.
By definition, you are not
doing someone out of a job.
You are meant to do it yourself.
The clue is in the name.
It is not Do It Your Someone Else.
You see,
DIY is what us Brits do ourselves.
It is the backbone
of our bank holidays.
Yes, we will bodge those jobs,
because we are British
and we are shit at DIY.
But we DIY, goddamnit.
I don't care how big and bad
you think you are, Canada.
How good you are at snowboarding
or how velvety smooth
Michael Buble's voice is.
I am coming for you,
and I am coming in my toolbelt.
Not like that.
Who's with me?
(CHEERING)
It is our right to come to your
country and fix that wonky shelf
and slap a load of Polyfilla
right in your crack.
ALL: Deal with it, Canada!
That's all from You did well.
That's all from
It's a Funny Old Week.
See you next time. Good night!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)