It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e10 Episode Script
Mac is a Serial Killer
So he's in the law house, right Oh, please stop talking.
Just let me finish my story.
Describing an episode of Law and Order in full detail is not a story.
No, it's so good.
First of all, I think I could be a really good lawyer.
I'm better than Sam Waterston, I'll tell you that much.
You want to be a lawyer? Don't you think you should know how to read or write? Objection.
Hearsay.
That's lawyer talk.
That's the kind of stuff you have to do.
That serial killer killed another woman last night.
Really? Yeah.
It says here he's targeting young, attractive blondes.
Okay, that's it.
I'm not closing the bar by myself anymore.
Why? What are you worried about? You don't fit the description.
I fit the description.
No, no.
Young, attractive I fit the description.
All right.
Well, first of all, you're too big, Dee.
You're like a You're like a female Larry Bird.
There's too much of you.
There's not too much of me.
He would never finish the job.
He'd get the job done.
He'd spend his whole night hacking and sawing.
Then he still wouldn't be done.
He would open his box of tools and say, "What tools am I gonna use for this?" He could use normal tools.
He'd look at that pile of bones and flesh and say "How many people have I murdered tonight?" "How is this just one person?" Mm-hmm.
Well, guess what.
You're Larry Bird.
That's okay, 'cause Larry Bird's an excellent player.
He's an awesome player.
What's up, bitches? Hey yo! Hey.
This guy, he got laid last night.
What? No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You didn't come home.
Yes, I did.
You're wearing the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
That's what you were wearing yesterday.
These are different clothes.
Where'd you get those scratches on your neck? What? You got scratches on your neck.
No, I don't.
Oh, let me see.
No.
What? I gotta take a piss.
I don't have any You guys are Huh? Well, that was weird.
Wow.
He's been acting like that a lot lately.
What's gotten into him? Serial killing.
If I'm gonna prove that Mac is guilty, I gotta apply a little pressure.
I'm gonna get a chain saw.
A chain saw? You can't just torture someone 'cause you think they're guilty.
Oh, don't give me that liberal bullshit.
Mac is not the serial killer.
He's not smart enough.
He's a dumb person.
And dumb people are not capable of serial killing.
Oh, yeah? What about the scratches on his neck? I got a hunch about this.
You got a hunch? Frank's got a hunch.
Let's just convict him.
Let's carve our best friend to pieces with a chain saw based on a hunch.
Jesus Christ, Frank.
Dee, why don't you and I use a little textbook psychology? And that'll lead us to the real serial killer's doorstep.
Are you all gonna go against me on this? Sorry, Larry Bird.
Stop trying to use the Larry Bird thing.
I don't know.
Shh.
What are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay, I forgot about this thing that I gotta do, take care of.
I was thinking about it in the bathroom.
And I figured I should just go deal with it now.
So I'm just gonna go deal with it now.
I guess I'll see you guys later? Okay, bye.
Oh, if I prove that he is guilty I am gonna torture the shit out of him.
Hey, you.
We need to talk.
I don't understand.
I thought we talked about this.
We did.
It's just that my friends are getting suspicious.
And I cannot have them find out that we are dating again.
Why not? Because of your Oh, God.
Situation down there.
You mean my penis? Well, you don't have to say it out loud.
I told you.
I'm getting rid of it.
I know.
But when, dude? I feel like I've been putting a lot of time in here.
Soon.
It takes time.
Look, I know that it takes time.
I've been reading up on the subject.
But maybe we should just take it easy until then.
Because of the penis? Oh, boy.
There it is.
The penis.
Yes.
Because of the pen Okay, listen.
Here's the deal.
I feel like we make out, and it's great.
I mean, really great.
But then things start to get hot and heavy and you scratch me.
Which is cool.
But you're really strong, and it hurts.
And sometimes just sometimes I bump up against it.
And I I just can't handle that.
Really? Because you seem like you can handle anything.
I mean, with that body.
Well.
Yeah, I mean, physically, sure.
I mean, I guess I can handle pretty much any situation.
I mean, I do work out.
So You sure do.
I don't know.
He's been in there a long time.
You think he's chopping up bodies? He's not chopping up anything.
He's not a serial killer.
Hey, man.
What'd I tell you about bringing that chain saw? Hey, you want to take a picture with it? No.
We're on an invest Do you have a camera? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely then.
Yeah.
All right.
How's this look? Does this look cool? Hold it closer to your face and look really crazy.
Like I'm killing somebody? Let me start it and get my tongue Put your tongue there.
There he is.
There he is.
Oh! We got ourselves a serial killer.
No, you don't have anything.
That's inconclusive, Frank.
Look, look.
He's guilty as sin.
Look at him.
He's sneaking around.
You gotta have hard evidence.
You don't have any hard evidence.
I'll tell you what you do have.
You got a camera.
So let's snap one off, all right? Okay, like this? Okay, right.
Put your tongue closer to the blade.
Dennis! Dee.
What the hell are you doing? Get outta here.
You're gonna blow my cover.
This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dee, that is the point of being here.
This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
I know.
That's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
You volunteered for this, Sis.
If you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait.
You do not fit the profile.
I fit the profile, Dennis! That's the right attitude.
Now pull these out or something.
You need to look sexy for this guy.
Otherwise, he's never gonna Come on.
I just feel like this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Is it cold out here? It's freezing! I have a down jacket on, a wool blanket.
It's a very toasty situation I got back here.
Get back out there, tiger.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
Oh, Mac? Are you in there? We're clear, Charlie.
Come on.
This is an illegal search, Frank.
What's the decorating motif of this place prison cell? I'm pretty sure you need a warrant to be doing this, buddy.
What Why are you wearing those gloves? Fingerprints.
You think I want some Jew lawyer crawling up my ass in six months? Objection.
Extremely racist, man.
The guy's innocent, all right? You're poking around but there's no point to it 'cause you're not gonna find anything.
Oh! And Bingo was his nameo The Human Anatomy.
He's got a half a chapter highlighted on the removal of human genitalia.
Hey, Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? All right? Don't say "you," buddy, because I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal.
We could go tit for tat on that one.
So you better drop that subject.
All I'm saying is that the book doesn't mean anything.
You got no evidence! You got no case, Frank.
It stinks, that stuff.
This stuff is Drakkar Noir, man.
Damn, girl.
Who you with? Oh.
I think you got the wrong idea.
I'm not with anybody.
Word? Well, lookee here.
Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jacks best ho.
Oh, no.
I'm not on any crack rock.
I mean, one Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock.
But that was because I was trying to get on welfare and fail a drug test.
But that stuff, you gotta be careful because it'll mess you.
Why are you asking? Do you have some on you? Hi.
Uh, sir, I'm sorry.
We're trying to conduct a little business here.
Ho.
Pepper Jacks trying to conduct some business here too.
You with this cracker? No.
Well, technically, we drove here together.
But I'm not with anybody.
You heard it.
Your bitch chose me.
See now, Pepper Jack, I feel like we're miscommunication.
Bitch, you speak when spoken to now.
Oh, no.
No.
Sir, you know what? We're just gonna get out of here.
Dee, let's go.
Whoa.
Now you're not just gonna come here and take Pepper Jacks best ho.
You want this ho back, Pepper Jack needs to get paid.
Pepper Jack, are you serious? Do Pepper Jack look like he playing? I don't think Pepper Jacks playing.
I feel like Pepper Jack isn't playing either.
No, Pepper Jack is not playing.
In fact, Pepper Jack about to cut somebody.
Oh, please don't cut.
Oh, no cutting.
That's not necessary.
All right, how much? Well, what you got? I don't know.
Seven bucks and a stupid thermos.
Is that Fraggle Rock? Yeah.
Oh, Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock.
Listen, I feel like we've been going about this the wrong way.
I mean, you can't just jump into the mind of a serial killer.
I feel like you need to walk in his shoes.
Right.
We need to go deeper.
We need to eat, breathe and sleep serial killer.
Go through all of the steps that this guy would in order to understand his thoughts.
Yeah.
Okay, what's the first step? Here's what I think.
If I was gonna start mass murdering people I feel like the first thing I would do is pick a victim.
Right.
We need a victim.
We need to find somebody who we would want to kill.
Mm-hmm.
But who? Here you go, Dee.
Thanks.
And shithead.
Hope you burn your tongue.
Sit down.
No.
What the hell is wrong with you? What is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you? I saw you last night! You did? So you admit it? Yeah.
Don't ever admit it, Mac! Don't ever admit it! It makes my job that much harder.
All right, look.
You gotta quit this thing, buddy.
I tried, dude.
I tried.
But it's like a drug.
I just get wrapped up in the moment and boom, it just happens.
I don't care what your sick and twisted reasons are.
I don't want to hear it.
Who else knows about this? Nobody.
Just her.
Well, that's good.
She won't be a problem.
She ain't gonna tell anybody.
But I gotta tell you, buddy.
Frank's onto you.
Frank knows? Well, he's sniffing around.
Oh, goddamn it.
When the time is right, he's gonna come at you, and he's gonna come at you hard! Here's what you gotta do.
You gotta deny.
Deny.
Just deny it.
Just deny it.
Deny, deny, deny, deny.
You just deny it.
Deny it to the end.
If you deny something, it means it never happened.
It never happened.
You gotta promise me something here, buddy.
Uhhuh? You gotta stop.
Well, okay.
That's gonna be a little bit of an issue, man.
I don't know if I can promise that.
Are you serious? I want to stop.
I just Okay.
Hey, man.
Hey, hey.
Shh, shh, shh.
We're gonna get you the help.
All right? But in the meantime, you gotta give me the time to, like, build your case.
You know? To To help your defense out.
Like, you know, I gotta do my thing.
And then And then I do some moves.
Yeah.
I'm into it.
Okay.
Yeah, all right.
What the hell does that have anything to do with what we're talking about? Lawyer stuff.
It's a great show.
Are you gonna help me? Yeah, man.
Are you wearing my Drakkar? Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Accusations.
Well, it's just Those are no good.
It's my favorite I'm telling you, Dee, this is a bad idea.
No.
We need killing tools.
But you're not using your head.
This is serial killing 101.
You don't buy anything that can be traced back to you.
We're not buying anything.
My neighbor Gary works here.
He is desperately in love with me.
We need killing tools, he needs me to smile at him every once in a while.
We're gonna take whatever we want for free.
There's gonna be no paper trail.
That works.
I wonder if they have painter's overalls.
How come? Well, my guy's a painter.
I go from house to house gaining very easy access to my victims.
And more importantly, gaining their trust.
Uhhuh.
Who's your guy? Psycho clown.
Psycho clown? Yeah.
I like to dress like a clown when I slaughter.
Now help me grab some killing tools.
The serial killer's probably not a psycho clown, Dee.
Whoa.
What do you think of these gardening shears? I like those gardening shears very much.
But do they cut through bone? Oh, yeah.
That's a good question.
Hey, Gary.
These shears, they do cut through bone, yes? Uh, yeah.
I guess.
Yeah, I thought so.
Gary, my brother and I, we're gonna take these shears.
But we're gonna take 'em on the hush-hush.
What? For free.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Get back to work.
There you go.
Oh, man.
That guy's a pussy.
Yeah, spineless.
Hello.
Messy.
Too messy.
Very messy.
Do you mind if my associate and I ask you a couple questions? Don't feel compelled to answer any of them, Mrs.
Mac.
I will be recording this conversation.
You want a fresh cigarette? Here, here.
Yeah.
I notice you like cherry pie.
Cut the chitchat.
My client's clearly a busy woman.
Ask your questions.
In your opinion, ma'am, was your son an angry child? Objection.
Leading.
Did he ever exhibit any hatred toward women? Irrelevant questioning.
Do you think he was raised in a dysfunctional family? Move to strike.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about? Ask her fair questions! I'll give you one question, and then we're out of here! One question.
You think your son's out there killing people? Yeah.
Oh! That's it, lady! Damn it! You just buried me! Chain saw serial killer.
You buried me.
That's my whole case! I'll be in touch.
I can't believe you actually dressed like a clown.
You're gonna draw so much attention.
I thought we were getting into the killer's shoes.
But the killer's not a psycho clown, Dee.
That's only in movies stupid ones.
Oh, really? John Wayne Gacy? He was a psycho clown.
He was an excellent one.
Did good work.
Come on, Dee, that's Yeah, actually, you're right.
He was pretty Okay, okay.
Here she comes.
This is the fun part, Dee.
This is the part that we've been working up to.
This is what all the work has been for.
We're gonna follow our victim.
Uhhuh.
And then we're gonna jump her.
And then I'm gonna strangle her and you're gonna chop her into pieces.
Okay, but what are we really gonna do? Huh? We're not really gonna kill her.
What are we gonna do? Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
That's a bummer.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's just follow her for a little.
We'll throw a good scare into her.
Figure out what to do later.
That's just not as much fun as actually No.
No.
I know.
It's good enough.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
My eyes feel like fire.
Dee, if you hadn't been squeaking around like a goddamn psycho clown she never would've noticed us.
No, this is not my fault.
Everything we do is backfiring.
We need a new plan.
No shit, Sis.
But what's the plan? What? We need a confession.
What the hell are you doing? I'm spying.
I'm spying on everybody.
And I got good news.
I know the killer is Mac.
I got hard evidence.
I got a confession from his mother.
Holy shit, Dee.
You know what? I just realized something.
What? I know who the killer is.
You do? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Dee, the real serial killer is Mac.
That's what I just said.
How did we not see it earlier? I don't know.
Whatever! I got a plan.
We gotta set a trap.
We're gonna get a confession.
But first, we gotta lure him in on the phone.
Hold that thought, Frank.
I just came up with a plan.
Uhhuh.
We need to set a trap and get a confession from him.
Ooh, but first, we gotta lure him in on the phone.
Yes! Are you shitting me? Now, Dee, can you do a girl's voice? Well, this was fun.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Now I'm gonna go.
Uh, same time tomorrow? Well, maybe we could go out or something.
You know, to a restaurant.
Or Or to your bar.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
I'm getting tired of this.
I feel like you're afraid that people will see us together.
No.
I don't care if people see us together.
I just don't want them to think that we're dating.
We are dating! I don't think it's too much to ask for you to keep this quiet, considering your condition.
Look, it's not like I'm ashamed of you.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Well, it's over.
I don't know what happened, man, but it's over.
What's over? Did you go back? Of course I went back, Charlie.
Damn it, Mac.
I told you not to go back.
You're digging me a pretty big hole here! It doesn't matter, because she won't talk to me anymore, dude.
Well, that's very interesting.
She talks When did you start hearing voices? That could actually help us.
What's the I.
D? Private.
Should I answer it? Yeah.
I'll allow it.
Go, go, go.
Uh, hello? Uh, okay.
Uh, could you hold on one second? Some chick named Sandy.
She said we met at the bar the other night.
Speakerphone.
Can you do it on speakerphone for this? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, Sandy.
Uh, what's crackin'? This is Mac, right? Good-looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky? Uh, more ripped.
Strike that.
Jacked.
Irrelevant.
Toned.
Exaggeration.
I work out.
I'll allow it.
Okay.
Yeah, that's me.
Listen.
I was thinking maybe you should come over to my place tonight.
There's no one here.
I'm all alone.
Could you come take care of me? I'll allow it.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I can take care of you.
Great.
Then I'll see you at my place.
Great.
I'll see you tonight.
I'll allow it.
We got him.
Let's get the video camera and get the hell outta here.
Where are we going? To catch a predator.
Whose apartment is this? My friend Gary's.
Gary the hardware store guy? Yeah.
He's, like, never here.
Why do you have his keys? 'Cause he asked me to water his plants when he's out of town.
All of his plants are dead.
Well, I don't do it.
I'm gonna go oil my chain saw.
What? Frank, we don't need the chain saw.
Is that what's in that bag? Oh, we do.
Because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance a beautiful dance with a chain saw.
He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
I don't get it at all.
All right, let's set up.
Yep.
Gettin' laid tonight.
"Come on in.
I am horny.
" Giddyap.
Hello? Sandy? Hey, come on in.
Have a seat.
I made you some cookies.
I'm just in here changing into my bikini.
Really? Can I come back? Uhuh.
Oh.
Got the wine coolers.
Yummy.
Did you bring any condoms? Ooh, not really into the whole condom thing.
So Hello, Mac.
How are you? What are you doing, dude? Why don't you have a seat, enjoy a cookie, have some iced tea.
Okay.
Who are you here to see? My friend Sandy.
Oh, Sandy.
Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blonde girl? I have no idea.
Uh, Sandy.
Why don't you come out here, please? Oh.
Why hello, Mac.
Not so young and attractive, is she? What? Must be a big disappointment.
What is going on here? What were you planning on doing to Sandy? What do you think, dude? Well, according to this phone transcript, Mac you were going to "take care of her"? Yeah.
Take care of her.
The Human Anatomy.
How about a little light reading? What are you doing with my book? You know where I got it, Mac.
Tie him up! Come on, Frank.
Tie me up? Jesus Christ! Get the camera away from me! Before you go, I should tell you I'm I'm sorry, Mac.
You can't keep running from this thing.
You gotta face this head on! I'm gonna get you off this.
Don't be afraid to show me your ugly side.
All right.
Put that away, Frank.
You don't need a chain saw.
You're talking to an innocent man.
All right, Mac.
I'm gonna ask you now 'cause I'm tired and hungry.
I want to go home.
I want to wash my hands of this whole stinking mess.
Did you or did you not snap into an alternate and distinct personality causing you to go on a serial killing rampage? What? No.
What? Yes, you did.
You All right, Mac.
You're crazy, right? You're a crazy person.
Sometimes you're two people.
Let's see the other guy.
Let him out.
Let who out? The serial killer, Mac! Let the serial killer out! I'm not a serial killer! Then why all the shady behavior? I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out.
No.
You're trying to What? Ew.
Oh.
I don't even know how that works.
It's complicated.
There's a lot She tapes it back.
Oh, really? Come on, man.
Oh, my God, man.
I've been reading up and Wait, wait, wait.
Dude, wait.
So you're not the serial killer? No.
I just won this case.
That means you're a free man.
You're not a serial killer.
See, when I came in And I was doing You guys don't even get it, do you? I'm gonna get a beer.
Dee, do you think this guy's got any beer in his fridge? No.
There's a bunch of severed heads in there.
What? There's about 15 severed heads in there, I'd say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's heads in there.
There's a lot of heads in there.
A shitload of heads.
We're in the killer's apartment? Yes! Neighbor Gary? Gary.
Oh, my God.
I don't know who Gary is.
Wait.
Shh, shh, shh.
I think I hear keys.
What are you people doing in my apartment?
Just let me finish my story.
Describing an episode of Law and Order in full detail is not a story.
No, it's so good.
First of all, I think I could be a really good lawyer.
I'm better than Sam Waterston, I'll tell you that much.
You want to be a lawyer? Don't you think you should know how to read or write? Objection.
Hearsay.
That's lawyer talk.
That's the kind of stuff you have to do.
That serial killer killed another woman last night.
Really? Yeah.
It says here he's targeting young, attractive blondes.
Okay, that's it.
I'm not closing the bar by myself anymore.
Why? What are you worried about? You don't fit the description.
I fit the description.
No, no.
Young, attractive I fit the description.
All right.
Well, first of all, you're too big, Dee.
You're like a You're like a female Larry Bird.
There's too much of you.
There's not too much of me.
He would never finish the job.
He'd get the job done.
He'd spend his whole night hacking and sawing.
Then he still wouldn't be done.
He would open his box of tools and say, "What tools am I gonna use for this?" He could use normal tools.
He'd look at that pile of bones and flesh and say "How many people have I murdered tonight?" "How is this just one person?" Mm-hmm.
Well, guess what.
You're Larry Bird.
That's okay, 'cause Larry Bird's an excellent player.
He's an awesome player.
What's up, bitches? Hey yo! Hey.
This guy, he got laid last night.
What? No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You didn't come home.
Yes, I did.
You're wearing the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
That's what you were wearing yesterday.
These are different clothes.
Where'd you get those scratches on your neck? What? You got scratches on your neck.
No, I don't.
Oh, let me see.
No.
What? I gotta take a piss.
I don't have any You guys are Huh? Well, that was weird.
Wow.
He's been acting like that a lot lately.
What's gotten into him? Serial killing.
If I'm gonna prove that Mac is guilty, I gotta apply a little pressure.
I'm gonna get a chain saw.
A chain saw? You can't just torture someone 'cause you think they're guilty.
Oh, don't give me that liberal bullshit.
Mac is not the serial killer.
He's not smart enough.
He's a dumb person.
And dumb people are not capable of serial killing.
Oh, yeah? What about the scratches on his neck? I got a hunch about this.
You got a hunch? Frank's got a hunch.
Let's just convict him.
Let's carve our best friend to pieces with a chain saw based on a hunch.
Jesus Christ, Frank.
Dee, why don't you and I use a little textbook psychology? And that'll lead us to the real serial killer's doorstep.
Are you all gonna go against me on this? Sorry, Larry Bird.
Stop trying to use the Larry Bird thing.
I don't know.
Shh.
What are you guys talking about? Nothing.
Nothing.
Okay, I forgot about this thing that I gotta do, take care of.
I was thinking about it in the bathroom.
And I figured I should just go deal with it now.
So I'm just gonna go deal with it now.
I guess I'll see you guys later? Okay, bye.
Oh, if I prove that he is guilty I am gonna torture the shit out of him.
Hey, you.
We need to talk.
I don't understand.
I thought we talked about this.
We did.
It's just that my friends are getting suspicious.
And I cannot have them find out that we are dating again.
Why not? Because of your Oh, God.
Situation down there.
You mean my penis? Well, you don't have to say it out loud.
I told you.
I'm getting rid of it.
I know.
But when, dude? I feel like I've been putting a lot of time in here.
Soon.
It takes time.
Look, I know that it takes time.
I've been reading up on the subject.
But maybe we should just take it easy until then.
Because of the penis? Oh, boy.
There it is.
The penis.
Yes.
Because of the pen Okay, listen.
Here's the deal.
I feel like we make out, and it's great.
I mean, really great.
But then things start to get hot and heavy and you scratch me.
Which is cool.
But you're really strong, and it hurts.
And sometimes just sometimes I bump up against it.
And I I just can't handle that.
Really? Because you seem like you can handle anything.
I mean, with that body.
Well.
Yeah, I mean, physically, sure.
I mean, I guess I can handle pretty much any situation.
I mean, I do work out.
So You sure do.
I don't know.
He's been in there a long time.
You think he's chopping up bodies? He's not chopping up anything.
He's not a serial killer.
Hey, man.
What'd I tell you about bringing that chain saw? Hey, you want to take a picture with it? No.
We're on an invest Do you have a camera? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely then.
Yeah.
All right.
How's this look? Does this look cool? Hold it closer to your face and look really crazy.
Like I'm killing somebody? Let me start it and get my tongue Put your tongue there.
There he is.
There he is.
Oh! We got ourselves a serial killer.
No, you don't have anything.
That's inconclusive, Frank.
Look, look.
He's guilty as sin.
Look at him.
He's sneaking around.
You gotta have hard evidence.
You don't have any hard evidence.
I'll tell you what you do have.
You got a camera.
So let's snap one off, all right? Okay, like this? Okay, right.
Put your tongue closer to the blade.
Dennis! Dee.
What the hell are you doing? Get outta here.
You're gonna blow my cover.
This seems extraordinarily dangerous.
Dee, that is the point of being here.
This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.
I know.
That's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.
You volunteered for this, Sis.
If you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait.
You do not fit the profile.
I fit the profile, Dennis! That's the right attitude.
Now pull these out or something.
You need to look sexy for this guy.
Otherwise, he's never gonna Come on.
I just feel like this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.
Is it cold out here? It's freezing! I have a down jacket on, a wool blanket.
It's a very toasty situation I got back here.
Get back out there, tiger.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
Oh, Mac? Are you in there? We're clear, Charlie.
Come on.
This is an illegal search, Frank.
What's the decorating motif of this place prison cell? I'm pretty sure you need a warrant to be doing this, buddy.
What Why are you wearing those gloves? Fingerprints.
You think I want some Jew lawyer crawling up my ass in six months? Objection.
Extremely racist, man.
The guy's innocent, all right? You're poking around but there's no point to it 'cause you're not gonna find anything.
Oh! And Bingo was his nameo The Human Anatomy.
He's got a half a chapter highlighted on the removal of human genitalia.
Hey, Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? All right? Don't say "you," buddy, because I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal.
We could go tit for tat on that one.
So you better drop that subject.
All I'm saying is that the book doesn't mean anything.
You got no evidence! You got no case, Frank.
It stinks, that stuff.
This stuff is Drakkar Noir, man.
Damn, girl.
Who you with? Oh.
I think you got the wrong idea.
I'm not with anybody.
Word? Well, lookee here.
Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jacks best ho.
Oh, no.
I'm not on any crack rock.
I mean, one Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock.
But that was because I was trying to get on welfare and fail a drug test.
But that stuff, you gotta be careful because it'll mess you.
Why are you asking? Do you have some on you? Hi.
Uh, sir, I'm sorry.
We're trying to conduct a little business here.
Ho.
Pepper Jacks trying to conduct some business here too.
You with this cracker? No.
Well, technically, we drove here together.
But I'm not with anybody.
You heard it.
Your bitch chose me.
See now, Pepper Jack, I feel like we're miscommunication.
Bitch, you speak when spoken to now.
Oh, no.
No.
Sir, you know what? We're just gonna get out of here.
Dee, let's go.
Whoa.
Now you're not just gonna come here and take Pepper Jacks best ho.
You want this ho back, Pepper Jack needs to get paid.
Pepper Jack, are you serious? Do Pepper Jack look like he playing? I don't think Pepper Jacks playing.
I feel like Pepper Jack isn't playing either.
No, Pepper Jack is not playing.
In fact, Pepper Jack about to cut somebody.
Oh, please don't cut.
Oh, no cutting.
That's not necessary.
All right, how much? Well, what you got? I don't know.
Seven bucks and a stupid thermos.
Is that Fraggle Rock? Yeah.
Oh, Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock.
Listen, I feel like we've been going about this the wrong way.
I mean, you can't just jump into the mind of a serial killer.
I feel like you need to walk in his shoes.
Right.
We need to go deeper.
We need to eat, breathe and sleep serial killer.
Go through all of the steps that this guy would in order to understand his thoughts.
Yeah.
Okay, what's the first step? Here's what I think.
If I was gonna start mass murdering people I feel like the first thing I would do is pick a victim.
Right.
We need a victim.
We need to find somebody who we would want to kill.
Mm-hmm.
But who? Here you go, Dee.
Thanks.
And shithead.
Hope you burn your tongue.
Sit down.
No.
What the hell is wrong with you? What is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you? I saw you last night! You did? So you admit it? Yeah.
Don't ever admit it, Mac! Don't ever admit it! It makes my job that much harder.
All right, look.
You gotta quit this thing, buddy.
I tried, dude.
I tried.
But it's like a drug.
I just get wrapped up in the moment and boom, it just happens.
I don't care what your sick and twisted reasons are.
I don't want to hear it.
Who else knows about this? Nobody.
Just her.
Well, that's good.
She won't be a problem.
She ain't gonna tell anybody.
But I gotta tell you, buddy.
Frank's onto you.
Frank knows? Well, he's sniffing around.
Oh, goddamn it.
When the time is right, he's gonna come at you, and he's gonna come at you hard! Here's what you gotta do.
You gotta deny.
Deny.
Just deny it.
Just deny it.
Deny, deny, deny, deny.
You just deny it.
Deny it to the end.
If you deny something, it means it never happened.
It never happened.
You gotta promise me something here, buddy.
Uhhuh? You gotta stop.
Well, okay.
That's gonna be a little bit of an issue, man.
I don't know if I can promise that.
Are you serious? I want to stop.
I just Okay.
Hey, man.
Hey, hey.
Shh, shh, shh.
We're gonna get you the help.
All right? But in the meantime, you gotta give me the time to, like, build your case.
You know? To To help your defense out.
Like, you know, I gotta do my thing.
And then And then I do some moves.
Yeah.
I'm into it.
Okay.
Yeah, all right.
What the hell does that have anything to do with what we're talking about? Lawyer stuff.
It's a great show.
Are you gonna help me? Yeah, man.
Are you wearing my Drakkar? Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Accusations.
Well, it's just Those are no good.
It's my favorite I'm telling you, Dee, this is a bad idea.
No.
We need killing tools.
But you're not using your head.
This is serial killing 101.
You don't buy anything that can be traced back to you.
We're not buying anything.
My neighbor Gary works here.
He is desperately in love with me.
We need killing tools, he needs me to smile at him every once in a while.
We're gonna take whatever we want for free.
There's gonna be no paper trail.
That works.
I wonder if they have painter's overalls.
How come? Well, my guy's a painter.
I go from house to house gaining very easy access to my victims.
And more importantly, gaining their trust.
Uhhuh.
Who's your guy? Psycho clown.
Psycho clown? Yeah.
I like to dress like a clown when I slaughter.
Now help me grab some killing tools.
The serial killer's probably not a psycho clown, Dee.
Whoa.
What do you think of these gardening shears? I like those gardening shears very much.
But do they cut through bone? Oh, yeah.
That's a good question.
Hey, Gary.
These shears, they do cut through bone, yes? Uh, yeah.
I guess.
Yeah, I thought so.
Gary, my brother and I, we're gonna take these shears.
But we're gonna take 'em on the hush-hush.
What? For free.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Get back to work.
There you go.
Oh, man.
That guy's a pussy.
Yeah, spineless.
Hello.
Messy.
Too messy.
Very messy.
Do you mind if my associate and I ask you a couple questions? Don't feel compelled to answer any of them, Mrs.
Mac.
I will be recording this conversation.
You want a fresh cigarette? Here, here.
Yeah.
I notice you like cherry pie.
Cut the chitchat.
My client's clearly a busy woman.
Ask your questions.
In your opinion, ma'am, was your son an angry child? Objection.
Leading.
Did he ever exhibit any hatred toward women? Irrelevant questioning.
Do you think he was raised in a dysfunctional family? Move to strike.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about? Ask her fair questions! I'll give you one question, and then we're out of here! One question.
You think your son's out there killing people? Yeah.
Oh! That's it, lady! Damn it! You just buried me! Chain saw serial killer.
You buried me.
That's my whole case! I'll be in touch.
I can't believe you actually dressed like a clown.
You're gonna draw so much attention.
I thought we were getting into the killer's shoes.
But the killer's not a psycho clown, Dee.
That's only in movies stupid ones.
Oh, really? John Wayne Gacy? He was a psycho clown.
He was an excellent one.
Did good work.
Come on, Dee, that's Yeah, actually, you're right.
He was pretty Okay, okay.
Here she comes.
This is the fun part, Dee.
This is the part that we've been working up to.
This is what all the work has been for.
We're gonna follow our victim.
Uhhuh.
And then we're gonna jump her.
And then I'm gonna strangle her and you're gonna chop her into pieces.
Okay, but what are we really gonna do? Huh? We're not really gonna kill her.
What are we gonna do? Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit.
That's a bummer.
Yeah, you're right.
Let's just follow her for a little.
We'll throw a good scare into her.
Figure out what to do later.
That's just not as much fun as actually No.
No.
I know.
It's good enough.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
My eyes feel like fire.
Dee, if you hadn't been squeaking around like a goddamn psycho clown she never would've noticed us.
No, this is not my fault.
Everything we do is backfiring.
We need a new plan.
No shit, Sis.
But what's the plan? What? We need a confession.
What the hell are you doing? I'm spying.
I'm spying on everybody.
And I got good news.
I know the killer is Mac.
I got hard evidence.
I got a confession from his mother.
Holy shit, Dee.
You know what? I just realized something.
What? I know who the killer is.
You do? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Dee, the real serial killer is Mac.
That's what I just said.
How did we not see it earlier? I don't know.
Whatever! I got a plan.
We gotta set a trap.
We're gonna get a confession.
But first, we gotta lure him in on the phone.
Hold that thought, Frank.
I just came up with a plan.
Uhhuh.
We need to set a trap and get a confession from him.
Ooh, but first, we gotta lure him in on the phone.
Yes! Are you shitting me? Now, Dee, can you do a girl's voice? Well, this was fun.
Right? Mm-hmm.
Now I'm gonna go.
Uh, same time tomorrow? Well, maybe we could go out or something.
You know, to a restaurant.
Or Or to your bar.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
I'm getting tired of this.
I feel like you're afraid that people will see us together.
No.
I don't care if people see us together.
I just don't want them to think that we're dating.
We are dating! I don't think it's too much to ask for you to keep this quiet, considering your condition.
Look, it's not like I'm ashamed of you.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Well, it's over.
I don't know what happened, man, but it's over.
What's over? Did you go back? Of course I went back, Charlie.
Damn it, Mac.
I told you not to go back.
You're digging me a pretty big hole here! It doesn't matter, because she won't talk to me anymore, dude.
Well, that's very interesting.
She talks When did you start hearing voices? That could actually help us.
What's the I.
D? Private.
Should I answer it? Yeah.
I'll allow it.
Go, go, go.
Uh, hello? Uh, okay.
Uh, could you hold on one second? Some chick named Sandy.
She said we met at the bar the other night.
Speakerphone.
Can you do it on speakerphone for this? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, Sandy.
Uh, what's crackin'? This is Mac, right? Good-looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky? Uh, more ripped.
Strike that.
Jacked.
Irrelevant.
Toned.
Exaggeration.
I work out.
I'll allow it.
Okay.
Yeah, that's me.
Listen.
I was thinking maybe you should come over to my place tonight.
There's no one here.
I'm all alone.
Could you come take care of me? I'll allow it.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I can take care of you.
Great.
Then I'll see you at my place.
Great.
I'll see you tonight.
I'll allow it.
We got him.
Let's get the video camera and get the hell outta here.
Where are we going? To catch a predator.
Whose apartment is this? My friend Gary's.
Gary the hardware store guy? Yeah.
He's, like, never here.
Why do you have his keys? 'Cause he asked me to water his plants when he's out of town.
All of his plants are dead.
Well, I don't do it.
I'm gonna go oil my chain saw.
What? Frank, we don't need the chain saw.
Is that what's in that bag? Oh, we do.
Because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance a beautiful dance with a chain saw.
He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
I don't get it at all.
All right, let's set up.
Yep.
Gettin' laid tonight.
"Come on in.
I am horny.
" Giddyap.
Hello? Sandy? Hey, come on in.
Have a seat.
I made you some cookies.
I'm just in here changing into my bikini.
Really? Can I come back? Uhuh.
Oh.
Got the wine coolers.
Yummy.
Did you bring any condoms? Ooh, not really into the whole condom thing.
So Hello, Mac.
How are you? What are you doing, dude? Why don't you have a seat, enjoy a cookie, have some iced tea.
Okay.
Who are you here to see? My friend Sandy.
Oh, Sandy.
Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blonde girl? I have no idea.
Uh, Sandy.
Why don't you come out here, please? Oh.
Why hello, Mac.
Not so young and attractive, is she? What? Must be a big disappointment.
What is going on here? What were you planning on doing to Sandy? What do you think, dude? Well, according to this phone transcript, Mac you were going to "take care of her"? Yeah.
Take care of her.
The Human Anatomy.
How about a little light reading? What are you doing with my book? You know where I got it, Mac.
Tie him up! Come on, Frank.
Tie me up? Jesus Christ! Get the camera away from me! Before you go, I should tell you I'm I'm sorry, Mac.
You can't keep running from this thing.
You gotta face this head on! I'm gonna get you off this.
Don't be afraid to show me your ugly side.
All right.
Put that away, Frank.
You don't need a chain saw.
You're talking to an innocent man.
All right, Mac.
I'm gonna ask you now 'cause I'm tired and hungry.
I want to go home.
I want to wash my hands of this whole stinking mess.
Did you or did you not snap into an alternate and distinct personality causing you to go on a serial killing rampage? What? No.
What? Yes, you did.
You All right, Mac.
You're crazy, right? You're a crazy person.
Sometimes you're two people.
Let's see the other guy.
Let him out.
Let who out? The serial killer, Mac! Let the serial killer out! I'm not a serial killer! Then why all the shady behavior? I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out.
No.
You're trying to What? Ew.
Oh.
I don't even know how that works.
It's complicated.
There's a lot She tapes it back.
Oh, really? Come on, man.
Oh, my God, man.
I've been reading up and Wait, wait, wait.
Dude, wait.
So you're not the serial killer? No.
I just won this case.
That means you're a free man.
You're not a serial killer.
See, when I came in And I was doing You guys don't even get it, do you? I'm gonna get a beer.
Dee, do you think this guy's got any beer in his fridge? No.
There's a bunch of severed heads in there.
What? There's about 15 severed heads in there, I'd say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's heads in there.
There's a lot of heads in there.
A shitload of heads.
We're in the killer's apartment? Yes! Neighbor Gary? Gary.
Oh, my God.
I don't know who Gary is.
Wait.
Shh, shh, shh.
I think I hear keys.
What are you people doing in my apartment?