It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s16e05 Episode Script

Celebrity Booze: The Ultimate Cash Grab


[CHET] In other news,
Tinseltown is coming to Philadelphia.
Hollywood stars Bryan Cranston
and Aaron Paul are here
promoting their alcohol brand,
Dos Hombres.
[REPORTER] Hey, Bryan, how does it
feel to be the kingpin of mezcal?
Oh, no, no. No, no.
Don't-don't put that on me.
No, I'm just a simple actor.
This, this is the man,
- the brains behind the whole operation.
- No.
- No, no, no.
- Yeah, it is.
[AARON] It's a team effort.
Wow. Hollywood celebrities
right here in Philly, huh?
-I don't love it. I mean,
why can't they stay in their lane?
Why do they have into
come into our lane?
The celebrity booze thing's
a little out of control.
It's a total sellout.
I mean, a complete cash grab.
Any idiot could take a bottle of booze,
slap a celebrity's face on it
and-and make a fortune.
- I mean, we could do it if we wanted.
- Oh, we know more about booze
- than these two guys, probably.
- Are you kidding me?
Look, yeah, is there an opportunity
for us to create a booze
of our own, right?
And go pitch those guys?
Yeah, of course there is.
- It would be so easy.
- Yeah. - It would be so easy, you know?
And could we do something like that?
- Also, yes. Absolutely.
- Yes. Yes.
- Of course, we could, you know.
- But I mean,
are we gonna go do something like that?
- Yes, we're gonna do that, yeah.
- Of course we are, yes. - I think we should.
- I think we should.
- It's already happening.
- ♪
Okay, guys,
I think we can all agree we need to
come up with a brand
that is representative
of who we are as people
and as businessmen.
Now I ask you guys this:
what's the first word
that comes to your mind when
you are trying to describe us?
- Premium.
- Mm, I was gonna say that, dude. - Premium.
- I was gonna say premium.
- You were gonna say that, too?
- [MAC] Yeah.
- And look, hey.
Listen, man, you're spot-on. Premium.
Yes, our brand will,
of course, be a premium brand.
Now, what is the most premium
alcohol ever invented?
- Goldschläger.
- Goldschläger. Yeah.
Goldschläger. All right, hey!
We're all on the same page here.
- Yeah, we think
- This is good, I like this. Okay, yeah.
Swiss cinnamon schnapps liqueur
with drinkable flakes
of gold floating in it.
My God, what's more premium than that?
- Yeah, nothing.
- Nothing, right?
Here's a pitch.
Okay, I can get a bunch of nickels
and I could smash them up and
put them into a 'schläger.
Right? We call it Nickelschläger,
and we pitch it as, like,
the working man's spirit.
And, you know, nickels are,
they're easy to find
and, uh, just as shiny.
Well, that sounds disgusting, and, uh,
- potentially dangerous as well.
- Yeah, I'm-a try it, though.
Listen, I think I've
pinpointed a small market trend
that we could corner but that could
also totally represent us.
I'm talking about a blend.
A blend?
- Oh. Blends.
- Yes. Blends, blends.
- Blends!
- Yes.
Blends are very popular these days.
Wine blends, whiskey blends, you know?
So let me ask you this:
what is the second-classiest
drink in the world?
- Jägermeister. Yes.
- Jägermeister. Yeah, yeah. - Jägermeister.
- Jägermeister, yeah.
- Amazing, yes.
It's the 'meisters and the,
and the 'schlägers and the schnapps.
I mean, those are the drinks
that make people feel high-end,
you know, like they're on a
European ski adventure, right?
- [ALL LAUGH] - Yeah, it's true.
- Yeah.
Those drinks that make people
feel premium, you know?
So I say we do a blend of
all the most premium drinks.
We put them all together,
and we make one drink
called Paddy's
- That's brilliant.
- That's so smart.
- Well, because it-it blends them
- Dude, that is really smart. It's fun.
- all together, like you said.
- Who's thought of that?
- It's a lot of fun, right?
- It's elegant.
It definitely feels like you're
in Switzerland or something.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Great, so you guys get it, okay. Great.
So I-I'm so glad we're on
the same page with this.
So, here's the thing. All we got to do
is get those celebrity guys'
blessing and boom
we are off to the races,
we're gonna be rich men, but
I don't think we should approach them
without being fully funded first.
So our first test is gonna
be landing a big fish
who can finance this whole operation.
And I know just the guy.
- I want money ♪
Lots and lots. ♪
- Yo.
- [DENNIS] Yo, Frank,
I got you on speakerphone with,
uh, Mac and Charlie.
- Where are you right now?
- I'm in the sky.
- In the sky?
- What?
[DEE] That's right, dicknips.
We're in the sky on a private plane
- on the way to Aruba.
- [CHARLIE] What the hell, Frank?
- Why you taking Dee?
- [DEE] Um, because
I'm more glamorous than you guys.
Frank recognizes that
and so he invited me.
I was on my way to the jet,
she overheard me
talking about the flight
- and she glommed on.
- Yeah, you know what? We don't care.
Uh, Frank, we have a business
proposition for you, pal.
Frank, how would you like to invest
in a celebrity alcohol brand?
No, I don't know about that.
I-I once had Greg Louganis
as the face of my apricot brand
in the '80s.
But when he cracked his
noggin at the Olympics,
the business took a nosedive with him.
Okay, well, we're talking about
a much bigger celebrity than that, okay?
We're talking about a
household name here.
Have you ever hear of
a little show called
Malcolm in the Middle?
Have I? Changed the game.
- Changed the game, Frank.
- That it did. That it did. - [MAC] Yes. Yes.
- It did change the game.
- That it did. One of the greatest shows of all time.
Well, listen,
the dad from that show is in town
and we're gonna be pitching him tonight.
And Malcolm. He's here, too,
although he's all grown up now,
- so you might not recognize him.
- Yeah.
Dang, that sounds pretty glamorous.
- I'd like to hang with celebs.
- Shut up, Dee.
- [DENNIS] Shut up, Dee.
- [CHARLIE] Oh, God, shut up, Dee.
[MAC] Shut your mouth or
I will shut it for you!
When you get back,
Mac's gonna shut it for you!
We're gonna shut your mouth and
we're gonna sew your lips shut!
- [CHARLIE] Just shut up.
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
- All right, well-well,
you know, if you can get,
uh, Malcolm and his dad
on the hook,
bring them to me at the jet.
When I land, we'll talk shop.
- [MAC] Oh, good.
- [CHARLIE] Nice, dude.
- Big fish landed!
- All right!
How are they gonna bring them to Aruba?
We were never going to Aruba.
We're circling Philly.
Oh, my God. There's The Linc!
What the hell, Frank?
Why are we circling Philly?
I got to put enough miles on the jet
to make it look like I
went to Aruba and back.
It's a tax thing.
Then why don't we just
go to Aruba and back?
Wouldn't that make more sense?
I have things to do in Philly.
But I don't want to
circle Philly for hours.
Hey, look,
first you nag me to get on the plane,
now you're nagging me to get off.
Just No dice.
- We're circling Philly.
- Oh, goddamn it.
I want money,
lots and lots of money ♪
It is popping off in there, man.
It is popping off.
Actually, Charlie,
I would also love for you
- to pop off that hat.
- No, dude, you said dress nice.
I want to be able to
tip my cap to these guys
- when I meet them.
- Yeah, but you look like a limo driver.
- Whatever, dude. I look good, man.
You guys want to hit some of this,
too, by the way?
- The hell is that?
- It's Nickelschläger, man.
It's delicious.
I've been drinking it all day.
Throw that shit out.
Do not bring that up in the pitch.
- I'm gonna pitch it.
- Dude, do not Don't
Oh, goddamn it.
- Oh.
- Over here, sir.
- Okay, you know what? That might have been this.
Uh, here, I'll give it to you, I guess.
Uh, don't mind me.
- Anything in your pockets, sir?
- No, no, I'm good.
- I'm good, I sh
Guys, why is it going off on my stomach?
Because you have a
belly full of nickels.
Oh, right. Shit.
Okay, you know what? Um
I'll make myself throw
up and then I'll get
Should I throw up here or, uh
All right, I'm gonna go outside
and-and I'll meet you guys back in.
- Great.
Good riddance.
He looks ridiculous anyway.
Yeah, well,
you don't look that much better, pal.
I mean, what-what,
what is going on with that suit?
Oh, I'm going for a
"Jordan in the '90s" look.
I mean,
who's more premium than MJ, right?
Now, I'm thinking that I
go pitch a fashion line
and sort of expand
- into a lifestyle brand.
- No, don't do that.
Okay? Let's just
Uh, can we stick with the one thing?
- Just stick with the one thing, please.
- They're celebrities.
- They're gonna get the look.
- I know they're celebrities.
I'm not saying they're not celebrities.
I'm saying
Do you know who Michael Jordan is?
- Yes, I know who
- Then why are you fighting me about this?
Can we just go get
in the meet-and-greet line?
It's already getting long as shit.
Come on.
- Frank.
- Frank!
- What?
How much longer?
- Three hours.
- Oh, my God.
Can I watch what you're watching?
'Cause the Wi-Fi is not strong enough
for me to watch anything.
You should have downloaded movies, then.
I mean,
I also have to go to the bathroom.
Well, that's not good.
Bathroom on the plane is busted.
- W-What?
- Yeah, but you can use the emergency can.
Where's the emergency can?
- You're sitting on it.
- What? Wh
You just pull that cushion up and,
uh, get that
privacy screen over there.
Is it a number one or a number two?
It's a number one.
Eh, let 'er rip.
It's still gonna go
out in the air anyway.
Are you sure you don't
have any food anywhere?
Why don't you sniff around back there?
What's this?
- What's that?
- There's a can of something.
Oh, that's an old can of
oysters from another flight.
- A can of oysters?
- Yeah, go ahead, have them.
Ugh, goddamn it.
[DENNIS] All right, all right.
- Getting pretty close here.
- Okay, now,
just go with me here, Dennis.
I want you to picture it, all right?
It's a whole lifestyle ecosystem.
- No
- With booze and suits
and apps that link you
to personal trainers
who make you look good
in the suits. Premium.
- Dude, this is what I'm saying.
- No, listen, can we please,
please just stick with the blend?
- Stick with the blend.
- This is a blend of ideas.
Yes, but it's a blend of too many ideas.
I don't even know what you're talking
about half the time.
- I'm talking about branding, bro, it's branding.
- I know what you're
You know what, actually, you just keep
your mouth shut the whole time.
Just keep your mouth shut,
I'll do the talking.
We do the firm handshake, right?
'Cause that's essential
to setting tone for a good pitch.
Got to have a firm handshake.
And then that's it.
I do the talking,
and don't say a goddamn thing
about booze and suits and apps.
- Here we go.
- Oh, okay.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, ladies. - Thank you so much.
- Uh, all right. Come on, guys.
- [DENNIS] All right.
- Okay, here we go.
- Hey, there, fellas. - Hey.
Hi, uh, hello to you, kind sirs.
- Let's do a
- Oh, uh
- No.
No, I'm sorry, we-we don't shake hands.
Uh, well,
that kind of throws off my whole thing.
I think We can't kick this
off without a firm handshake.
- Why don't you just
- I really don't mind shaking his hand.
How many times do we
have to go through this?
- We're not shaking hands.
- We're not shaking hands.
- We don't know these people.
- Don't know you.
- Sorry.
- Oh.
Wow, look at that suit.
- Yeah. Look at that.
- I love that.
I'm not supposed to talk.
- [DENNIS] I didn't say I didn't say
- I'm not supposed to, either.
Oh Come on, let's get this going.
- He's-he's kidding. He's kidding.
- Uh, yeah, so-so
- He's kidding.
- Oh, yes. He, uh, just
- Yeah, but
- Come on, everybody say, "Dos Hombres."
- Oh, uh
- [ALL] Dos Hombres!
- All right, you can get -Thanks so much.
- Yeah, so, we have a
the photos with the QR code that way.
- There you go.
- No, I don't need a photo.
I-I just wanted to pitch you
- I
- All right, hey. All right.
What just happened?
You blew it, dude. You choked.
I didn't choke, no. It was Malcolm.
He was throwing me a weird vibe.
- Yeah. He's very aggressive.
- He's super aggressive.
He's, like, he's,
like the alpha dog, dude.
- I didn't like that.
- Malcolm's not in the middle.
- He's on top.
- He's on top.
- Shit.
- You know what, let's-let's get back in the line.
Oh. Hey.
Hey, buddy. [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, can I ask you
something really quick?
- Yeah, sure, man. What's up?
- Uh, hey, listen,
I've been throwing up for a little bit.
Ugh, dude, sorry.
Yeah, I-I actually kind of can't stop.
I think I'm having a
reaction to the metals.
But, uh, my real problem is, like,
no matter how much I hurl,
like, the nickels
- keep coming out.
- Nickels?
Oh, yeah,
it's a 'schläger play I got going.
So, hey, look, can you do me a favor?
On my next hurl, you know, do you
could you see if you see any
loose change in there, you know?
'Cause, like, I-I really got to
get a extra set of eyes on this.
- I can't help you. All right? I-I'm waiting for somebody.
- Please, please.
- Sir, I'm begging you, please.
- It's not happening.
Listen, man, I can't help, all right?
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
What the hell?!
- Damn it!
- Oh! Hey.
- Hey, man, hey, hey.
- Come here.
Come here. Look at this. Look at this.
- Okay. Yes, sir.
- Look at this.
They're gonna ding me
for the cleaning fee.
- All right?
- Ah, yeah, look at that.
Peace and love, peace and love.
- Damn it!
- I'm sorry! Hey, hey.
- Just say by my car. Stay by my car
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey!
- and watch this, I got to figure this out.
- Get by the car.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I got your car. I'll watch your car.
Yeah. [COUGHS]
[GRUNTS] He was a big boy.
- Jesus. [COUGHING]
- Damn it.
Hey, man,
are you the Dos Hombres driver?
You know,
the Malcolm in the Middle guys.
Yes, I am.
Come on, come on.
The dad did like my suit.
Would you shut up about
the dad and the suit?
- Thank you very much.
- [DENNIS] What are they doing?
- Oh, great. Okay.
- [DENNIS] Damn it.
They're wrapping things up.
That's great. We blew it.
We totally blew our one shot.
Goddamn it.
Hey, I think I just saw Jalen Hurts.
- What? Seriously? Where?
- Yeah.
Dude, he just went into the bathroom.
I'm sure that was him.
Okay, uh, listen.
We're gonna pivot, all right?
I mean, Jalen's a better fit for
our Philly-based brand anyway,
- don't you think?
- Yeah.
- Let's go talk to Jalen.
- Let's get Jalen.
Come on, let's go.
- [URINATING] - Jalen.
- Yeah,
so, hey, listen, uh,
I know this is a little weird,
us bum-rushing you in the
bathroom like this, but, uh
You always were good against the rush.
[LAUGHS] Now, that is true.
You are good against the ru
Now, you're not gonna get away from us,
though. [LAUGHS]
We gotcha.
That was a joke. Um
Okay, uh, well, listen,
uh, we-we just, uh,
we wanted to pitch you
a-a really great business opportunity.
Yes, now imagine this lifestyle:
you're on a Caribbean island
in an ill-fitting suit.
No, no, st
no, uh, Jalen, we're not-not here to
- pitch you a lifestyle.
- Gritty?
- Wait
- What the hell is this?
- Wh I
I thought you said Jalen
Hurts came in here.
Is he in one of the other stalls?
I don't know,
I must have gotten them confused.
How do you confuse a young Black man
with a giant orange monster?
- Uh
Okay, Gritty,
picture yourself on a Caribbean island.
- Don't pitch Gritty! We're here to talk to a celebrity.
- Gritty's just Gritty.
What Oh, hey, Jalen!
Jalen! There he is. Jalen!
- Ah, we just missed him.
- What are you talking about?
- That was not Jalen Hurts.
- Yes, it was.
Oh, don't take his side, Gritty.
- Well, he's right.
- That was definitely Jalen Hurts.
Uh, you know what, Gritty,
we don't need you anymore.
Why don't you take a hike, pal?
- Appreciate it.
- Goddamn it.
Hold on a second. Oh, it's Charlie.
What Wait, wait, wait.
- What do you want, man?
- [CHARLIE] Hey, uh,
Dennis, uh,
get to Frank as fast as you can.
I have Malcolm and his dad.
- Are you serious?
- I'll explain later.
I'll delay them as long as I can.
[AARON] Hey, could you maybe just
not be on the-the phone?
- Yeah? Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
Of course, sir. Yeah, I got to go.
- Please? Thank you.
- Uh, sorry about that.
- Very unprofessional.
- Thank you very much.
- Uh, apologies.
- Yeah, that's okay.
Does it smell funky in here?
Very funky.
- Oh, you guys picking up an aroma?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, all right.
You There might be
a funk to it, Mr. Malcolm.
I did vomit in here earlier.
Oh, oh, great. Thank you for that.
Wow. And my name is not Mr. Malcolm,
it's Aaron.
[CHARLIE] Okay, I got you. Yeah, yeah.
We can go by whatever code name
you feel most comfortable with, sir.
You know,
I can't imagine the pressures of being
- a Hollywood celebrity.
- Oh, oh, please, please, please!
- [HORN HONKS] - Watch the road, watch the road.
- Oh, yeah! Shit!
- Jesus.
- Pardon my language.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Uh, pardon my driving.
I haven't driven a car
in a long, long time.
I We really got to start
vetting these drivers.
Okay? If we're driving around
in these crappy town cars
with lunatics and now
we're flying coach?
- Counterpoint.
- Coach?
I do like the grit.
- [AARON] Oh, my God.
- Don't you?
I mean, it's associating
with the common man.
- Talking about me?
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- When I first stepped onto the boards
in the Great White Way of Broadway
- Oh, and here we go again about Broadway.
- Was I in the role
- of Richard III? No.
- Were you? No?
- Slipping it in, of course.
- No.
- I was his understudy.
- Okay.
- I never really got to be on stage.
- Okay.
- But I was very close.
- You had to earn it, huh?
- You had to earn it.
- It's all about the work, isn't it?
- See? He's working, we're working.
- Yeah, right?
Yeah, we're We are working.
Now, you can never forget
where you came from.
- Remember how you got here? Remember, huh?
- Yes.
This clown lost all of
his money playing slots
- at Pechanga. Yeah.
- It I-I
[AARON] No, you have a problem.
You know you have a problem.
The first step:
admitting you have a problem.
I admit I am a servant
to the gods of chance.
I pray at their altar.
- Yeah, way too much.
- Come on, baby.
- Way too much.
- Yeah, come on, baby!
[LAUGHS] Let 'er roll!
- Let 'er rip!
- No, this guy was a week away
from sucking off tourists, okay?
- Oh, my God.
- To pay his rent, and you know that.
Fellas, you're not gonna have
to suck anyone off.
I'm taking you guys straight
to a private plane today.
- Hmm?
- Oh, great. Finally. See? See?
There you go. Aren't you happy?
- Doesn't that feel nice?
- I'm very happy. Yes.
- [AARON] Finally. Okay.
Sorry, I happen to be getting
another-another call here.
- I got to take it. Hello, this is the driver.
- [AARON] Oh, my
Hey, Charlie!
You said to call when we landed.
What? We landed?
We landed 20 minutes ago.
I'm just gassing up.
Oh, goddamn it,
why didn't you tell me that?
I wouldn't have eaten
the disgusting oysters.
- Ugh.
- You ate those oysters?
What? You told me to.
That can is from a
shellfish company I started
with Tony Danza back in the '80s.
Tony's Oysters in a Can-za?
- It was a catchy name. Didn't go anywhere.
- Goddamn you.
Gross. I am out of here.
- [CHARLIE] Frank?
- Charlie.
- Uh, this is Mr. Frank.
He's the owner of the plane.
- Oh, perfect.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, yes, Mr. Frank?
I have the father and son.
You got them, Charlie?
Bring them over right away.
All right. Ha, ha!
Charlie got Malcolm and his dad.
- Oh, shit. Are you serious?
- Oh, I'm staying.
- What are you talking about?
You've been complaining
about getting off the plane.
Now all of a sudden you're staying?
- All right. Hey, guys. Come on.
Let's go. Out of the cabin.
What-what I'm not leaving my plane.
Oh, no, we've had this whole situation
where Jalen Hurts felt trapped
and he just freaked out
- and ran away.
- It was not Jalen Hurts, okay?
- It was literally just some Black guy.
- I It was definitely
-Jalen Hurts. Either way,
-It was not Jalen Hurts.
- let's just go. Let's go.
- Let's go. Come on.
- Up, up, up.
- Ugh, all right, all right.
Now, this is how to travel.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but I always wonder
at whose expense.
You know, when I was making my way
on the Great White Way of Broadway
- Oh, my God. Jesus Hey.
- It was hard.
You know, I-I have an idea.
Why don't you just shut
your eyes and go to sleep?
And then I will let you
know when you can wake up.
- Okay? Shh.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Oh, but sleep's for pussies.
- Geez.
Let's party, am I right?
Hey, guys, I'm Dee.
Jesus, where'd you come from?
I didn't know we were sharing the plane.
- Yeah, I
- Ah! [LAUGHS]
Hi, I'm Frank, the owner.
And you don't have to share the plane.
This plane,
this pretty little bird can be yours
for a mere price of $35 mil.
- [DENNIS] Sorry, actually, um
- It's a beautiful bird.
- Hey, guys, don't worry.
We're not-not here to sell you a plane.
Frank, please, don't.
Yeah, we want to
We-we'd sell the plane
- We would, but that's not the point.
- if you would go for it,
- you'd buy it.
- Just We're not selling the plane.
- Okay, we're here to sell you, um
- A lifestyle
- No, no.
- and ill-fitting suits.
- No, no, no, uh, that-that's also wrong.
- We're not selling any of that, okay?
- Okay.
- No, no, no. Let's-let's No.
We're here to sell you a, uh
No, goddamn it! None of that.
None of that.
Okay, listen-listen to me. Listen.
- Look, we're just Listen.
- He's the driver.
Let's just start over, okay?
We're gonna start all over,
and we're gonna do it
with a firm handshake.
Oh. I'm not supposed to.
- Oh, come on, man.
- [MAC] I think you're in
an abusive relationship.
Okay! This is absolutely insane.
Put your hand down, Bryan.
But I don't mind shaking his hand,
really, I don't
No, put it down, you silly little bitch.
Put it down.
- Put it down.
- No.
Don't you touch him.
I said no.
[AARON] What? Oh, my God.
What is happening?
Sit down.
Please, just sit down.
- You want us to sit down?
- Sit down, please,
- all of you.
- We-we will sit down.
[DENNIS] Yeah,
why don't we all sit down?
I don't ask for a lot.
An Emmy here, a Tony there.
Little pocket change for the
one-armed succubus in Reno.
But you.
You, you're
It's never enough for you.
You want it all.
And you deceived me into thinking
that-that I wanted it all,
too, and I don't.
And you took charge of
our little operation,
and ever since then,
you've been
you've been controlling my life.
You control everything.
Or do you?
you are the one being deceived.
Maybe being the front man
of an alcohol business
places your head so
far out in front of you
that you don't even realize
that your neck is exposed.
Enough to be lopped off
by a public
so thirsty to taste the blood
of greedy celebrities.
So, when they come
and they will
who are they gonna come after, huh?
The sweet, hapless boob
or the slick-talking,
scheming millennial?
So, I ask you
who is really in charge here?
And that, my friends,
is acting.
- What? Wow!
- What?!
- Wait, wait.
- That was
- That-that was all fake?
Made it all up. Fake, fake, fake, fake.
No offense, anything I said.
- Oh, no, you're welcome
- I was just joking.
But I do love to perform.
- I do, it's in my blood.
- You got the stuff.
Uh, you should consider
doing a drama, Mr. Middle.
- You really should consider doing drama.
- Yeah.
- That's a good idea.
- I think you got the goods, man.
Hey, so listen,
do you guys want to invest?
- Boss?
- Fuck no.
- Fuck no! No.
- Fuck no!
[AARON] Of course not.
I don't want to spend
another moment with you crazies.
- Not another minute.
- You people are insane.
Get me off this plane.
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