It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s16e06 Episode Script

Risk E. Rat's Pizza and Amusement Center

Oh, yeah ♪
Do it, do it, do it ♪
Do whatever you want ♪
At Risk E. Rat's Pizza ♪
Do whatever you want ♪
Entertain, go crazy,
have fun, go nuts ♪
At Risk E. Rat's Pizza ♪
Do whatever you want ♪
Do whatever you want. ♪
[GRUNTS] That hits.
- I am so psyched that we're going back.
- Yeah, yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
You guys, I mean,
arcade games, pizza, comedy.
- What more do you want in a place?
- You can't beat it.
The best part about Risk E. Rat's,
is that they make kids feel
like they're the ones in charge.
- Yeah
- Totally.
Like, that's where I became a man
and saw my first set of boobies,
at Risk E.'s. [LAUGHS]
- Really? - Uh-huh.
- Wait, what?
Wait a minute. Hold on.
I don't know about this.
Oh, yeah, dude, Justine the Teen Dream.
She was one of the robots in
the Animatronic No Rules Band.
- You guys remember that?
- Yeah, of course.
so if you got off the Train to Kid City
and you snuck backstage,
you could see under her shirt
- just before she came out to perform.
- Ooh
- Uh, yeah, I remember hearing about that,
but I thought that was just a legend.
- That's real, dude.
- No, that was real, dude.
- You saw them?
- I saw 'em, I saw 'em.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That was the fir-first set of boobs I ever saw
- since my mom's, so
- Yeah. [GROANS]
Do they still have that room
where they paddle you
- if you're out of line?
- Oh, no, uh, in our day
they called it the Time-Out Room.
And you would just go and sit there
and fester in your candy-fueled
rage for about 20 minutes.
- Then you learned your lesson,
and they'd send you back out
to unleash it on the kids.
Yeah, listen, at the end of the day
it's all part of the fun.
I know, but speaking of fun,
let's keep the song
- Yeah, yeah, turn the song back on.
- Yeah, crank that shit.
- Yeah, yeah, play it again.
- Cool ♪
- Here comes the
- Oh, yeah ♪
Do it, do it, do it,
do whatever you want ♪
At Risk E. Rat's Pizza,
do whatever you want. ♪
- ♪
Oh, yeah!
They really spruced this place up, huh?
- Looks good.
- Yeah, yeah.
But it still sounds the same,
though, right?
But, boy, that noise sure
would send the parents running,
- wouldn't it?
- [DEE] Yeah.
- Oh, remember when the moms would go
- in the padded bar?
- Oh, yeah, they soundproofed it.
Yeah, they soundproofed it
so you couldn't hear it.
- [LAUGHS] - Yeah.
- Oh, they would get hammered.
[CHARLIE] What you got there, bozo?
Just need you to sign these waivers.
Eh, no waivers, no.
I'm not really supposed to let you in
unless you sign this.
Oh, yeah, well, listen.
Well, I agree it's total bullshit
that we would have to sign a waiver
and also that we could bum-rush you
and there's nothing
you could do about it.
But you know what? Listen, today
we're just gonna have fun,
we're not gonna do any of that.
We'll sign your goddamn waivers,
but I want you to know that,
for the record,
we're doing this under protest.
Sure, I don't care.
- Okay. Cool, man.
- Hey, here's a little something for you.
[QUIETLY] That's not my name.
Yeah, I just went [GIBBERS, LAUGHS]
There's a bottom section, too okay.
- All right, man.
- None of 'em are really
What the hell are you doing?
Drinking water.
What does it look like I'm do?
Get the hell out of here!
Frank, what?
- I guess he's thirsty.
- Yeah.
All right, well, we have a few
hours before the show begins.
I was thinking I would
go redeem my old tickets
and then maybe play some Skee-Ball.
- Yeah, good call, man. Nice. Have fun, have fun.
- Yeah?
- Get it, go ahead. Yo.
- Hey, uh, Charlie, um,
I can't get past
- this whole Justine the Teen Dream thing.
- Sure.
And this feeling that I just
missed out on my childhood.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- And I'm just wondering if
- maybe you want to
- Yes, I do.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, let's go.
Uh Well, they're gonna go check out
some animatronic titties, so
Hey, you want to do the joke hunt?
- Yeah! Did you have that when you were a kid?
- Yeah.
Where you search around for
the little pieces of cheese
and they have jokes attached?
Yeah, and if you got 'em all
- Yeah.
- you'd get to meet Risk E. himself.
And he'd do his whole routine for you.
Where he would smack
his kids in the head
because they were pieces of shit
and then he would bust his brother
because he was a lazy drunk.
That was so funny.
- Oh, yeah. I mean, that, that's funny.
They changed it a bit by-by the '80s.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I think they
It was a little bit more
highbrow and, like,
um, uh, topical,
like, like, uh,
like diverse ethnic stuff.
Oh, ethnic, yeah. Racist.
Mm, no, no. Not, not racist.
Thinks like, um, you know,
like making fun of people
for not belonging here.
Right? Or like, like it's funny
when people sound funny
because they're, they don't,
they're not from
they're not from here.
Yeah, because of their race.
Hmm, I don't think that
was it because it was like,
it's like a fish out of water
- kind of
- Uh, okay.
Satire? I don't know.
I can't wait to see
who the victims are these days.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally.
- Yeah. Let's go.
- Let's-let's go find some cheese.
- Let's okay.
- Let's go. Let's go this way.
- Yeah. - Come on.

No more Game Boys,
but they do have a PlayStation.
That's an upgrade.
- Can I help you, sir?
- Ah, yes, you can.
I brought my tickets and
I'd like to make a purchase.
Where are your guns?
Uh, excuse me?
Uh, the gun section.
I'm very specifically
looking for Risk E.'s rifle.
It had a real heavy feel to it,
it was very realistic,
had a good smoky bang.
I used to put pebbles in there
and I could fire them, like,
right at Charlie's eye.
It was awesome.
Oh, uh, I don't think
we have anything like that.
We have an orange space laser.
What t he hell am I supposed to
do with an orange space laser?
Have you ever seen anybody use
a space laser in real life?
How do I simulate
real-world violence with
something like that?
Why would you want to
simulate real-world violence?
To get it out of my system, bozo.
All right, fine. Forget it.
Just get me one of those, um
switchblades that are combs.
I don't know what that is.
The switchblades that become combs
that you can threaten your friends with,
but then you don't know
whether it's a blade or a comb.
You know what I'm talking about?
Okay, how about some of that, um
can you get me some of that gum
that I can put in my mouth
and pretend like I got,
like, a big old fat lip and
spit all over the place?
- You know what I'm talking about? The
- I don't think we have those
What about the candy cigarettes?
Give me candy cigarettes!
Those were discontinued
because cigarettes are illegal.
Okay, for Christ's sakes,
can you get me like
the extra large Atomic FireBalls?
I believe they were
considered a choking hazard.
Oh, my God, a-a box of Nerds, nerd.
Now, Nerds.
Oh, you got those.
What the?
What is, what is this?
Where's the mouse hall?
[DENNIS] Hold on a second.
What, what? So you're telling
me they shut down the-the-the
Ride to Kid City for a superstore?
I mean, there's clearly no mouse hall.
There's no way to access this thing.
- Dude, what are they doing, man?
- I don't know
Also, okay,
what's up with the helmet, right?
- Risk E. does not wear a helmet, remember?
If he would fall and hit his head,
he would say
"That's what the bone's for."
"That's what the bone was for," right?
And he'd come up,
he'd crack you on the back of the head.
He'd smack you in the back of the head.
- "That's what the bone is for!"
- "Bone is for!"
- I mean, that was, like
- part of the fun of it.
- It's unbelievable, man.
- Things change, I-I get that.
- Okay, fine.
- Things change, right?
- Yeah.
I mean, look,
I don't want to be that old guy
who's, like, complaining about
the way things used to be,
but, you know, I, uh
- Want to see boobs.
- I just do.
You didn't get to see 'em,
and it was a big part of the experience.
They knew that you needed that.
Risk E. knew that you needed that.
They knew you were curious.
It wasn't a big deal.
- Yeah.
- The boys, they need something to as you know.
Yeah, yeah. It's great for the boys.
And it's also good for the girls
because then they know
- what they're supposed to look like.
- It's aspirational. I mean, this,
I don't think this is
the work of Risk E.
You know what I mean? Like
I feel like Risk E.'s
walled off in there,
and-and I think
Risk E. would want us
to take a risk right now.
He would want us to do it.
Do it, whatever we want. Watch my back.
- No one looking?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- All right.
Good, I think you
made some headway, though.
These balls have no weight to 'em.
Back in my day, you could crush
a man's skull with one of these.
Oh, hey, you're pretty good.
I'm going for 10,000 tickets.
Oh, yeah? Dude, I got like 7,000.
What? How do you have so many?
I was really good back in the day.
Better than you.
Oh, well, I only have 1,500.
Oh, you know what we should do?
We should pool our tickets,
and that way we can get, like,
the biggest prize they have.
Uh, I don't think
you're allowed to do that.
Yeah, you can. This is America.
You can do whatever the fuck you want.
You just cursed.
So what? We're in an arcade.
And there's no adults around.
Hey, do you know how much candy
we can get with this many tickets?
I'm not allowed to eat candy.
I have to ask my parents.
You don't have to ask
your parents anything.
You can eat as much candy as you want.
You're at Risk E. Rat's.
That's the whole point.
You can do whatever you want.
- I want my mom.
- You're not getting your mom!
Whoa! Everything okay over here?
Looks like someone might
need to take a breather.
We don't need a breather.
All right? I'm just [GROANS]
- I'm navigating something with the kid.
- 'Cause you're a jerk.
You're a jerk, and now we're in trouble,
and now we have to go
to the Time-Out Room.

I tell you what,
I don't care for these new scanners.
You know, it was just so much
cooler when they were like
- Yeah.
- little plastic pieces of cheese with the joke on 'em.
You'd read the joke and
toss it in the trash.
You know what they, they used to do?
They used to put 'em on the waitresses
without them knowing it.
- Really?
- Yeah, that was the fun thing,
because then you could cop a feel
and they couldn't say anything
because if they did,
they'd lose their jobs.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- That's terrible.
No, it was the '50s. It was fine.
- Right.
- Yo, folks. Got your mozzarella sticks.
Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.
Please be careful, they're hot.
- [FRANK] Hmm.
- Are they hot, dork?
Are you trying to tell me that
these sticks of molten
cheese that just came out of
the deep fryer, they're hot?
Well, yeah,
I don't want you to get burned.
Thank you so much for helping me out.
What'd I've done if you weren't here?
- Bye. Beat it. Bye, Jesse.
- Sorry.
- I mean
- [FRANK] I'm talking about it.
- Yeah.
- There's one.
- Ooh!
- I found it. Look, over there.
- Where?
- Right over there.
- Oh, my God. Ooh. [LAUGHS]
- Un-Un-Under the table.
He wasn't joking.
- [CHUCKLES] Hey, guys.
- You having a good time?
- Hey there, Dingbat Duck.
- Yes, we are.
- Uh, actually, it's Dapper Duck now.
How do you like the delectable duds?
It's not Dapper Duck.
You're-you're Dingbat Duck.
Oh, hey, and where's your stutter?
That was your
- the funny thing you did.
- Yeah, yeah, where-where's the?
Oh, I don't stutter.
I have delightful diction.
No, you don't. No, you d
you d-d-d-d-d-do-do st-st-st-st-stutter.
And that's the only thing
that's funny about you.
- [LAUGHING] That was good.
- He's laughing.
- [FRANK] Yeah.
- [DEE] See?
You were, you were the retard.
Whoa, whoa. [CHUCKLES]
- What?
- Don't say come on, don't say that.
Well, he's a duck.
I wouldn't say that about a human.
But you're telling me I
can't say a duck is retarded?
- Yes.
- No? What do you mean?
Suppose he walked up here,
and his feet were on backwards
and his beak was on
the inside of his head,
what, then I could call him retarded?
[DEE] Well, no. Then you're dealing with
a mutant duck, and that's not funny.
But his whole shtick was that
he would drool and slobber
- and-and, you know, he was like
- Yeah. Yeah.
He could b-b-b-b-b-b-barely get
the w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-words out.
- His mouth was retarded.
- Stop saying "retarded."
[CHARLIE] How dare you?
'Cause I didn't see anything
backstage and Oh, shit.
Okay. Look, look, look at, look at this.
Oh, man, this is, this is sad.
And they stuck 'em all in storage, dude.
The whole band is here, dude.
You got Spaz the drummer,
Chef Greaseball Linguini.
- Oh.
- Dr. Slice
the Funky Funkosapien
or whatever he was.
Was he supposed to be Black?
- Yeah. I, yeah, I-I think so.
- Yeah.
And you know what?
Now that I think of it,
it's good that they're updating that.
I mean,
you can't have a purple character
- that does a Black voice.
- Why not?
Well, because [SIGHS]
If you're gonna put a
Black person in the band,
it's got to be representative of
It was a white guy doing the voice.
- That was the problem.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It was a white guy doing a Black voice
- No, no, no, that's
- in a purple costume.
That's not a good look,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
For sure, for sure.
- Yeah, so
- But they are purple.
Who? What?
Monsters. You know, like
- Monsters are purple?
- Yeah.
Blue, green, purple, orange,
and we can't just, like,
not have purple monsters
in bands anymore.
- All right, you know what? I
- Oh, but they should have
- white voices.
- Well, they should have monster voices.
They should have monster voices
because we need monster representation.
So we can't just put them in boxes.
This is all very complicated stuff, man.
- It is complicated, man.
- It's tough to navigate it, man.
I don't know what the answer is,
so I'm gonna move past it.
- I tell you what, I
- All right, as long as they can still have
- groovy monsters, you know?
- Yeah.
Look at all this stuff.
Eh, tell you what,
some of this stuff brings
back a lot of memories.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, no.
- Aw
- Sweet Justine.
What have they done to you?
Oh, man.
Bam! Look at those.
- Hey, you found her torso.
- [LAUGHS] Hey-hey.
- That looks crazy, man.
[DENNIS] That is something else,
isn't it? Mmm.
[CHARLIE] Yeah, yeah.
Now, are you telling me that
there is a lifelike set of
animatronic breasts under there?
- I am, sir.
- Really?
- Yeah. Very accurate design.
- Huh.
- Uh, nipples.
- Interesting.
- All the curves.
- Fascinating.
- Yeah, wow, good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay. So I will take, uh
- Yeah.
- the shirt off.
- Let's, uh, let's pop it off.
- And, uh, I hmm
Hmm, I'm sorry, is it wrong to do this?
If I'm being honest,
it feels wrong to me as well.
- [CHUCKLES] Right, but why? Why would?
- I don't know.
- Is it 'cause she's underage?
- No.
I mean, she's a robot, man, like
- Right. Robot.
- They're ageless.
Now, wait a second.
We could just be two mature men
with an interest in robotics.
This could be science
is what you're saying.
I think this is a scientific experiment,
and that's one way to look at it, and
This is for the good of
future robots, right?
So, for the good of science
- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna
- go ahead and
- Yeah.
[DENNIS] I'm gonna slide this down here.
[CHARLIE] Just for scientific
purposes we can aah!
[YELLS] Oh, God!
- That is
- What?!
- How did they?
These are not the boobs I saw,
dude, these are not them.
This is so disturbing.
They-they took her tits off.
They literally sanded 'em off!
- They mutilated this poor woman.
- That is disgusting.
Goddamn libs.
- Unbelievable.
- Oh, my God.
And this could be the
religious conservatives, too.
You know, y-you don't know.
- That's true.
- Which kind of
Lopping tits off feels like a,
feels like a religious move.
- Yeah, that's some kind of like
- I don't know anymore.
- Everybody's crazy these days.
This is nuts, man.
I'll tell you what, though.
This is a sad day for women's rights.
Now, Mac, tell us
how you're feeling right now.
Well, I feel angry.
Is there anything else?
Yeah, I feel misunderstood.
Thank you.
Sam, how are you feeling?
- I feel stupid.
- You are stupid.
- It's 'cause you're stupid.
- Shut up. - Now, Mac
- You shut up.
- Mac.
- He's getting sassy.
- I was not being sassy.
- You were being sassy.
- You Okay, hey, guys.
you were both being a little sassy.
But right now I just want to
hear about Sam's emotions, okay?
Thank you.
There's that sass that
I was talking about.
I feel like we're getting
stuck on the sass of it.
It's hard not to get stuck in the sass.
- I understand.
- I'm mired in the sass
because the kid is so sassy.
Let's just let him talk, and I feel
like it'll all sort itself out.
As I was saying,
I feel stupid talking about my feelings.
Like, I don't want to be
in the Feelings Center.
That's not the point of Risk E. Rat's.
- [DOG] Hmm.
- We are on the same page there
'cause, like, this isn't the point.
I don't want to be in the
Feelings Center either,
and, like,
he's dead right about Risk E. Rat's.
That's the whole point of it.
I feel I just want to go
out there and have fun.
That's what I want to do, too.
I just want to play and have fun, and
- See?
- Good, good.
Hey, here's the question
about that, you guys.
Do we feel like we've earned that?
- Yes.
- Okay, well, so do I.
- Let's get out there and have some fun, shall we?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We've only been here
for like five minutes.
That's not a punishment.
I-I don't feel punished.
Where-Where's the shame
I'm supposed to be feeling?
There's no shame
in making a mistake, Mac.
Yes, there is.
How else would I know
not to do it anymore?
Hey, listen, man.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
You're a talking dog. I'm out of here.
- [DOG] Great. - I'm scared.
- I'm sure you are, Sam.
I'm sure you are.
'Cause you're a pussy.
Now, look, look, man, that's
- that's not your fault.
- Jesus Christ, man.
It's not your fault.
This dog, your parents,
the whole, the whole culture
is grooming you to be a pussy.
You got no freedom,
which means you got no balls.
And then, even when
you actually do get caught
doing something bad,
you're not held accountable.
And if you're not held accountable,
you feel no guilt.
If you feel no guilt, you feel no shame.
If you got no shame
you're never gonna hate yourself enough
to stop being bad and grow some balls.
You diddle this kid,
you're definitely on camera.
I don't know if you want
to be alone with him.

All right, this is the last piece.
- All right, what's it say?
"What does a nosy pepper do?"
- What?
- "It gets jalapeño business."
That's stupid. Let me see it.
Oh, I get it! You know what it is?
You got to do it with an accent.
Uh, it gets "all-up-in-yo" business.
- Get it?
- [LAUGHS] Yeah, well, that's funny.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause that's Black.
- That's Black.
- Well, n-not necessarily,
but it is sassy.
You just got to put some sass on there.
It also could be Mexican, I guess,
'cause of the jalapeño,
that's a Mexican pepper.
- Um, gets "hall-up-in-your" business, see?
- Oh, yeah, that
I get it,
but I got to know who it's about.
I-I don't think it's about anybody.
I think it's just a-a play on words.
But I got to know who the victim is
in order for me to laugh at them.
Yeah, I'll tell you what,
in this scenario it's whites
because white people are the only people
who don't have the accent
to pull off the joke.
- Well, that's racist.
- That is racist,
- and I don't appreciate it.
- That's very racist.
I'll tell you that much right now.
Is this the satire you're talking about?
I don't know. If I'm being honest,
I don't 100% understand
what satire means.
- Let's go through the jokes again.
Guys, I hate to admit it,
but this place sucks.
- Yeah, it's not good now, man, you know?
- Yeah, it's the pits.
Really creepy, too.
Like, who are the weirdos with the kids?
I think it's their parents.
- The parents should be in the bar.
- Charlie, there is no bar.
- What? Are you serious? They got rid of the bar?
- There's no bar?
Oh, that's crazy.
This was, like,
one of the best bars in town, man.
All right, all right,
you know what? Every
Let's just, everybody calm down.
Okay? We're here, you know?
Let's give it another shot.
Right? The show's about to begin.
That was always one of the best parts
of this place anyway, right? The show.
- Okay. Okay.
- Let's see if the show's good.
- One, one last shot.
- Hard to screw the show up.
They could redeem themselves here.
[ANNOUNCER] Everybody clap your hands
'cause it's time to party.
- Here it comes.
- Okay. Okay.
- Party time, baby.
It's party time.
What are these?
- What's this?
- Earplugs? - Earphones?
- Are you serious?
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no. No.
- Get out of here.
I want to be able to hear the show.
- Risk E., Risk E
- This is a jam, right?
Has a good beat going.
Yeah, I like that beat. That's it.
It's time for magic and fun ♪
Rocking out at ♪
What the?
Did he just say
- Did they change the name?
- They can't
You cannot call a place a website.
That's crazy.
He's not Risk E. anymore?
- He's Robbie now?
This is so depressing,
but, g-guys, we c
we can't wallow.
We got to do something about this.
For the sake of the kids!
Okay. So here's what we do.
We recreate the old Risk E.'s
so that these kids can have
the same experience that
we had when we were younger
and they can perhaps tell the tale.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Guys, let's get risky.
Oh, yeah ♪
It's time for action,
it's time for fun ♪
You better move,
get off your butt and run ♪
- You're a kid, you make the rules ♪
- Make the rules ♪
Be rude, freak out,
and do something cool ♪
Yeah ♪
Do it, do it, do it,
do whatever you want ♪
At Risk E. Rat's Pizza,
do whatever you want ♪
Entertain, go crazy,
have fun, go nuts ♪
At Risk E. Rat's Pizza,
do whatever you want ♪
Do whatever you want ♪
Do whatever you want. ♪
Wow. Those kids are jazzed.
- Wow!
- Yeah, man, we're all set here.
Guys, I got to say, I think we've
I think we've done something
pretty magical here today.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah!
Okay. On the count of three,
you open the doors and let 'em in
- [DENNIS] Yeah.
- and I will throw this switch
and let the real fun begin.
- [DENNIS] Yeah, baby.
- Ready?
- That's the attitude, Frank.
- [CHARLIE] Let's do it, let's do it.
- [DENNIS] Yeah, all right.
[ALL] Three, two, one
Where's my son?! Where's my son?!
[WOMAN] They're standing
right over there. Go get them.
- Well, that got out of hand.
- Yeah.
Yeah, these kids, they just,
th-they weren't prepared
for that amount of fun.
You know what it is? That's because
they were sheltered too much.
- Right.
- I'm glad that they signed the waiver, though.
Oh, right. No lawsuits for them.
- They can't do shit.
- Nobody can sue.
- Although you didn't, you didn't sign anything.
Ah, they won't find me.
- Hey, should we get out of here?
- Yes. - Probably, yes.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's slip out.
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