iZombie (2015) s04e06 Episode Script

My Really Fair Lady

1 [Liv] Previously on iZombie Renegade’s operation turns more humans into zombies than all other Coyote outfits combined.
[man on PA] The smuggling of humans into Seattle and creation of new zombies stops today.
I need you to gather whoever's left in Mama Leone's organization.
We're gonna pick up where she left off.
Dale and I, we're in an open relationship.
- Who's that? - A new Uni, Michelle, I think.
Why? The vaccine works.
Subject remains human with the caveat that every few weeks, subject craves brains.
There's a bus crash in Delridge.
I guess the bus driver was a zombie.
Sir, the contract allows for, and I quote, "Minor artistically valid changes.
" That's all this is.
Diaphragm.
Diaphragm.
- Roar! - [shouts] Roar! Good girl.
I didn't even make changes.
I made a change, one minor change.
Everyone in the show who had the AIDS virus now has the zombie virus.
That's it.
And I would like to think an intelligent man would appreciate the metaphor.
[chuckles] Look, Bub.
You're in New York.
I'm in Seattle.
There's a militarized border wall and 10,000 zombies between you and my stage.
Good luck stopping me.
Look at that girl, strong as a ram Look how she sings with her Di-a-phraha-hagm [sighs] Uh, Nellie.
- Hi, where's your costume? - Work called.
I gotta go.
What? No.
We go on in two minutes.
I told you, Nellie, matinees are tough with my job.
You deliver pizzas.
I'm sorry, Nellie.
But I've got actual rent to worry about.
[sighs] [audience applauding] We begin on Christmas Eve.
We live in New Seattle.
And since 10,000 humans turned into zombies, nothing's been the same.
[rock music playing] How can I find out who I am When there's always someone else inside my head? To be or not to be It don't apply to me 'Cause I'm already dead Dead [song ends] Why are there 25,600 zombies? Now there are 25,000 zombies To love [panting] - [audience applauding] - [man 1] Bravo! - Whoo! - [man 2 whistles] [man 3] Well done! [theme music playing] I'm sorry for your loss.
Let me walk you through our survivor benefits.
- We provide each family - Was there a dog on the bus? Uh a dog? I thought Denny was a person.
Your husband.
Ex-husband.
Before he died in the bus crash, we had a fight at the house.
When Denny stomped off, he took Ajax with him.
This was just two days before the crash so I thought maybe There was no dog at the scene.
Well My son's five.
He just lost his dad.
Now I get to tell him he's lost his dog too? Dude, can you shut that off? [Levon] It's for the documentary.
I know what it's for.
Mama wanted us to show the world how humans and zombies can work together.
Yeah, I know.
I was there.
I know her reasons.
And if Fillmore Graves finds that footage, then humans and zombies will work together to execute all of us.
You shouldn't have brought her here.
I just want to help.
- She's a cop, you know.
- [Baron] What? - You've got to be kidding me.
- I'm a medical examiner.
For the police.
We met.
At the laundromat.
She was trying to get a sick kid out of Seattle for a surgery.
See? She's on our side.
Two weeks later, Mama gets captured by Fillmore Graves.
- I'm out of here, man.
- Don't you think if I wanted you all captured, I would've called backup by now? You'd all be handcuffed.
What are you even suggesting? What can do for us? I can take Mama's place.
I'm willing to do the scratching.
Take Mama's place.
I'm willing to stand in for the zombie whose head got flattened.
And you're acting like that's nothing.
Scratching's the easy part.
Levon could scratch people.
Do you know how to make fake zombie ID cards for the brain rations? New zombies gotta eat.
You know, Mama knew a guy, but since that guy watched her skull get crushed, he's not answering his cell.
But maybe you got a guy.
Mama didn't just scratch.
She knew people.
Smugglers.
Money people.
Border patrol agents.
It was a network.
And after what Chase Graves did to Mama, this is all that's left.
You can't save the Railroad.
Mama was the Railroad.
[sighs] Hey, you need any help on the Schmidt case? Nah, just closed it.
The neighbor.
[exhales] Never a murder when you want one, huh? I'd take anything.
Second degree murder.
Manslaughter.
A suicide that doesn't quite add up.
- How's training? - Dull.
You learned how to be a detective on the streets, am I right? Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
- No? - Mmm-mmm.
Everything I know, I learned from L.
A.
Confidential.
Is that a podcast? Oh, God.
How old am I? L.
A.
Confidential, all-time great cop movie! 1997, Curtis Hanson, RIP.
You wanna watch it with me? My place? Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- Great.
[sighs] Liver appears normal.
Yeah, same for her spleen.
I don't expect we'll find anything all that interesting with these bus crash victims.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
I'm I'm not fine.
I barely knew Mama Leone, and I can't get the image of her at the guillotine, with her brains spraying out everywhere, out of my head.
People in the front row covered in Really, Ravi.
I'm fine.
Hey, guys.
- Liv, I need a favor.
- I'll do it.
You might want to hear what it is first.
Are these the bus crash victims? - Yeah.
- Great.
So one of the victims stole a dog from his ex-wife, she's in desperate need to get it back.
But the only person who knows where the dog is now is the ex-husband, who's dead.
And somewhere in this.
You want me to eat his brain and see if I get a vision of the dog? [sighs] I know, it's a big ask.
But you know what my job is.
People come to me on the worst day of their lives, and I tell them that the city of New Seattle is very sorry, but So this dog I just need a win.
There's a little boy who misses him.
So let's find a dog.
Thank you.
His name's Denny Minnis.
[Ravi] Mmm Denny Minnis was a heroin addict.
If Liv eats his brain, she'll end up jonesing for a week.
I'm not sending you into that hell.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Thanks anyway, but I better get back to work before the city falls into ruin.
Thanks.
I am hungry.
Any bus brains that won't have me chasing the dragon? Mmm.
Let's see.
[upbeat ragtime jazz playing] Perfection.
Mmm.
Yum.
What do you have there? My greatest roll.
Table 12 says his prefrontal cortex lacks sapidity.
Dude, scram, before you tank our A sanitation rating.
Who's this? I Caught homes dumpster diving out back and then he followed me in here like a stray cat.
Please, I'm starving, okay? You've got so much.
Do you have your zombie ID card? Yeah.
That'll get you brain rations.
Eat those.
You wouldn't have cared for it.
It lacked sapidity.
What would one wicked, wanton wonton stuffed with balls of brains brined and braised harm the Almighty? Deep.
[sighs] Okay.
Were you hoping to meet your maker soon, or would you like to show yourself out? Great.
The churchies have found us.
- There goes the neighborhood.
- [sighs] [Ravi on phone] Oh, yeah, Swedish.
Plenty of hot rocks.
And have the peeler get in there, I want to be flayed alive.
Thanks.
Know what I'm doing tomorrow? Taking a super-weird trip to Ikea? This week, in all of New Seattle, no one got murdered.
So I'm off to the spa for a Me-Day.
Aww, a Me-Day? I choose to ignore your tone.
No, no, it's cool.
I'd come with, but I'll be subduing terrorists, or dodging Molotov cocktails.
You know, stuff that men do.
Please.
I've seen your skin care collection.
Have some of this.
Oh, my God.
That is fantastic.
What is this, strawberry cream cheese? Actually, it's pulverized human brains.
Oh, God.
My monthlies.
Is there any white showing yet? No, but you do seem emotional.
Hey, make that face you made when you realized you were eating brains.
I want to send a picture to Liv and Peyton.
Peyton [exhales] For there's no one at work I'd rather see than the most splendiferous His beard is most vigorous Dr.
Ravi Good morning! You ready for the sexual harassment seminar? Three dead, seven wounded, countless questions.
Back to you, Sharon.
Hey, Mark, you know what else Sharon's sharin'? [chuckling] Oh, hot damn.
Oh, what I used to do to her.
Peabody-worthy.
[crew member] Johnny, we're still live.
Oh, God, I'd like to make her brains for breakfast.
You know what I mean? Wave the wand in her chamber of secrets.
Put a white streak in her hair.
[crew member] Oh, God, someone tell him we're still live! Hey, any of you ever motorboat Sharon? You should.
'Cause It's just [exclaims] [clears throat] Who remembers where they were when they saw this? Pretty sure it was Seattle.
[chuckles] Well, that's why I'm here today.
Sexual harassment is no joke.
Take it from someone with 100 hours of court-ordered community service to show for it.
Kinds of behavior considered harassment Sexual jokes.
Inappropriate touching.
Spreading rumors about a co-worker's sex life.
Well Who can tell me whether the Seattle Police Department allows romantic relationships in the workplace? Yes, you.
The foxy lieutenant.
It's allowed.
You just have to fill out the paperwork.
[Johnny] Ah, all right.
Did anyone go through the process? [Johnny] Detective Babineaux! Why don't you walk us through the protocol, hmm? You, uh Oh, stand up.
Stand up so we can all see you.
Project.
You fill out the forms.
Which forms exactly? You go to Diana, in HR, on the fifth floor.
You tell her about Go to Diana in HR And tell her how you feel She gives you a waiver for legal and an official declaration form.
Once you declare what's in your heart It means your love is real [cackling] Now who is brave enough to act against a card-carrying member of AFTRA? SAG-eligible? [groans] Anyone else? Anyone? Well, fine.
This scenario will model how to handle Why am I so high? Whilst eating apples Miss Moore, aptly, will be playing the part of inappropriate Sue.
What a to do to die today at a minute or two to two.
A distinctly difficult thing to say but harder still to do.
Stop.
Stop it.
Now watch how my character handles Sue's inappropriate behavior.
- All right, if you're ready - Are those new slacks? Nice.
Tight.
Like Inappropriate Sue prefers 'em.
Um, I'm on page six Tall drink of water like you shouldn't need to read.
Let's just feel our way through it.
I call this game "chicken.
" I'm not comfortable with this.
There.
That was a real moment.
Give me that again, from the top.
- Again? Wh - Those new slacks? Nice.
Tight.
Wait.
No, we're not doing this.
I like your lips.
I like the shape they make when you say no.
Hey, you stop it.
You stop touching me! Yes.
Mean it! Say no! No! I mean it! - Scene! - [applause] [retching] [Ravi shuddering] [Liv harmonizing] Ma, ma-ma-ma That's good.
- Here.
- [shuddering] Man.
You do need that spa.
- Comfy? - [Ravi] No.
I, uh I ate the brain of a heroin addict.
I better hide my China White.
What! You got some? Bucket, bucket, bucket.
Mmm, no, faster.
And you're doing this why? To help a friend in need.
Ravi, she specifically said not to do this.
"She"? Ah, this is an "Impress Peyton" thing.
- Why did Peyton - [Liv] Ravi? - Hmm? - Have your roommate make sure you don't do anything dumb.
In fact, give him your wallet.
[grunts] [groans] This seems like a bad idea.
I'm fine.
I'm better since I barfed.
Wait, you're just gonna leave him here? Well, this is where he lives.
Unless you and your sandwich have more important plans? Where are you off to? I'll be saving the world.
- They're gonna die in there.
- I'm aware of that.
We gotta do something.
Like what? [knock at door] Good.
You're all here.
- Why are you here? - Because the show must go on.
People are dying out there beyond the wall, but we have a chance to save them, and by saving them, we have a chance to improve human-zombie relations.
That means more brains and fewer starving zombies.
It's what Mama Leone wanted, and it's what I want.
Lady we're kind of in the middle of something right now.
Okay? Yeah, uh Yesterday, we sent word that the Underground Railroad's closed.
One of our coyotes didn't get the message in time.
He shipped five humans in by sea.
They're in a shipping crate at the shipyard and we've lost our means of getting them out.
Two of Mama's people drive a cargo truck.
Their job takes 'em to the shipyard.
Our trucker friends smuggle people into the city, but after what happened to Mama Our trucker friends bailed.
And the five humans? [Levon] Trapped.
They'll die in there unless we save them.
Security on the marina is tight.
There's gates.
Cameras.
Guards everywhere, ordered to shoot on sight.
It's a suicide mission.
[sighs] And what would Mama have done? Mama knew the risks, She kept doing what she did.
What we do, right now, determines whether she died in vain.
I say, "Hell no, she didn't.
" We save these people or we die trying.
Are we good or do we need that in a wide? [Levon] So, how you holding up? Okay.
Give me your line again.
So, how you holding up? [exhales] There's no time to be tired.
That was good.
Your friends aren't wrong, you know.
If this footage ends up in the wrong hands, everyone on it could get executed.
You could get executed.
Oh, my God, you're right.
What the hell am I thinking? - [camera beeps] - Okay why are you doing this? Um Can you say "Academy Award"? [chuckles softly] Okay, um It's what I do.
I'm a filmmaker.
So when a friend of mine got trapped outside the wall, and Mama Leone got him back to his family, I asked Mama if I could I know how to pull this off.
Get everyone here by 4:00 p.
m.
I need to go get props and costumes.
[knock at door] Ah, you're here.
Thank God.
Yeah, I'm here and I'm having a heart attack.
An SOS text at 2:00 in the morning? What's going on? I've got work, and Ravi can't be alone.
He can't? He already got into the medicine cabinet.
I had to pry a bottle of cough syrup away from him.
He bit me.
I think he stole my only other work uniform but won't tell me where he put it.
He offered to "pleasure me" for my car keys.
Yeah, I think he was kidding, but I'm only 60% sure.
I'm lost.
What's wrong with Ravi? He ate some junkie's brain.
I thought he did it for you.
He did? Hey, it's me.
You okay? This was a really sweet gesture, but heroin brain Ravi? [knocks on door] [sighs] Stupid junkie.
What? Heroin.
I would like some heroin.
[chuckles nervously] Far be it from me to, you know, care, but that's a really bad drug.
- You sure you - I saved your life! The least you can do is go out and get me some smack! You got it.
Blaine! So you're a heroin addict now? Oh, like you're such a saint.
No judgment.
- How long? - Just started.
Always been curious.
[Shuddering] God, it's freezing in here.
- Look who's here.
- Oh, thank God.
I got here as fast as I could.
Not you.
You get the stuff? Eat it.
This has gone way too far.
I'm fine, I'll be fine.
Ravi.
[panting] I can I can do this.
Just Just take me home.
Are you sure? With you I'm sure.
[sighs] But if I could just get a little bit of heroin I could go on the stake-out too, extra pair of eyes.
Read a book, Babineaux.
Just enjoy your down time.
- Hey, ah, Michelle - No, I'm busy.
Please.
You deserve an explanation.
I think I'm pretty clear on everything.
- Thirty seconds.
- So, go then.
Oh So Lieutenant Bozzio and I Let's go in here.
Okay.
So yeah, I know how that must've looked.
That you were planning on cheating on your live-in girlfriend with me? - Yeah, like that.
- Hmm.
Lieutenant Bozzio and I are in an open relationship.
We weren't always, but once she became a zombie you know, zombies and humans can't Hmm.
I love Dale.
That's where I was out of line, I should've led with my deal first, but to be honest, I don't know how to bring it up.
I haven't even played the field yet.
Or whatever.
This is awkward.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
All right.
- "All right.
"? - Yeah, we're good.
Don't take that the wrong way.
All the best, but that's not my scene.
I'm looking for something real.
Yeah, of course.
I get it.
I hope you find it.
Oh, I will.
Good luck, Clive.
[groaning] - Eat the tube.
- No.
- Here.
- No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
[exhales] So I'm getting very familiar with dog movie cliches now.
What? Like, Timmy's in the well? - Ah, that's the classic.
- Hmm.
And then there's this one.
Dogs are always trying to get home to their owners, and somehow they always manage to hop on trains, just like [gasps] A vision! Come on, baby.
Find that dog.
[panting] I saw the dog.
I know where he is.
- Okay.
- [pants] - Hey.
- Hey.
We're here.
What's the plan? Uh "Cast list.
" [Liv] Find your roles.
If it's a smaller part than you'd hoped, I don't care.
There are no small parts, people.
Where'd you get this? "Lillywhite.
" [Liv] We don't touch the costumes until we've become the characters.
Your lines are highlighted.
There are character descriptions at the top - to help you get your bearings.
- Uh-huh.
"Bald, ethnic, street tough.
Think Pitbull.
" Oh, Pitbull.
[Roars] This? This is your plan? I'm not risking my life on some theater class bull Cops! Get down! Lesson number one If you believe it, the audience believes it.
[whistles] You have heard of the boy who cried wolf, right? Since the day that you joined Mama's network, you've been acting.
Now, have a seat.
Who are my cops? Okay.
Who're you playing? An amazing role, thank you for asking.
She has many layers to her and a very difficult accent, because we challenge the audience when we challenge ourselves.
[clears throat] "Fade in.
Exterior, a lonely road.
" A meteor streaks across the sky.
An unmarked police car flashes its cherry top, pulls over a semi.
A policeman emerges.
"He taps the semi's window.
" [knock on table] Oh, um "License and registration.
" [mumbling] "Baron pulls out a gun" "Get out of the truck.
" Wait, we're jacking a truck? Not anymore, we're not.
- I thought the plan was - Yeah, that was the plan, and then I saw this.
Excuse me? [mocking] "Get out of the truck.
" [chuckles softly] It was my first time, man.
Watch out, Fillmore Graves.
I'm pointing my finger at you.
[laughs] - This better? - Whoa! Yes! Now gimme the line.
Get out of the truck! Where's my second hijacker? Ah "Do what we say" "Do what we say and you won't get" "Get on your knees, fool!" Baron is blowing you off the stage right now, Stan, and you're just letting it happen! He's going off-script Screw the lines! Just get the meaning across.
[Baron] Yeah.
You sons of bitches better give us the keys or your brains are zombie paste! I like it.
Okay.
Ahem.
"Baron and Stan drive away in their stolen big rig," yada, yada, yada.
Ah, here we are.
Scene three.
[Liv] The U-Freight-Ez truck rolls up to the shipyard gate.
A guard approaches.
Suki hands him a manifest.
You're not the usual guy.
Yeah.
He's down with that bug that's been going around.
So Mmm.
Shut off your engine.
- Say what? - Protocol says I need advance warning of a driver change.
I gotta call this in, so you're gonna shut off your engine.
Hey! What, you hate women? Lady, protocol says Oh, kiss my ass with your protocol.
Okay? [whispers] "Is there anything wrong with my truck?" Is there anything wrong with my truck? Anything wrong with my manifest? No.
[whispers] "I gotta get home to my wife, man.
" I gotta get home to my wife, man "She punishes me when I've been bad.
" She punishes - Screw you.
- Here.
Bay three.
Freakin' patriarchy! Nice ad lib.
Hey, fellas.
How's it hanging? You're ready to load us up? Ugh, take your time.
My wife's on the warpath.
The longer I'm away from home, the better.
[indistinct radio chatter] [knock at door] [affecting foreign accent] I'm sorry to bother you.
Can I use your phone? I was on a date with this guy, and he pulled over into a car park, and he wanted me to Oh, gosh, um I'd like to help you but we're kinda not allowed to let He threw me out of the car when I wouldn't I don't know where I am, I have no reception, it's past curfew.
Maybe just for a second.
Why don't I ever date nice guys? Uh, yeah [stammers] Phone's right there.
I just need to call my girlfriend.
She works for the mayor's office, so she can be out whenever.
[line ringing] Peyton, it's me.
Sorry to call so late.
I need a ride.
Tonight's been a bloody 'mare.
I'm at the marina.
Good job.
I'm still lookin'.
Thanks.
The sooner the better.
- [soldier] Jerry! - Yo! You get next week's shifts yet? Not yet.
[Wilson laughing] - Not Australian? - No.
One more guess.
Then it's gotta be New Zealand.
You're a real GC, aren't you? You know, a lot of people from the States have never even heard of us.
Are you kidding? They shot Lord Of The Rings there! - [indistinct radio chatter] - Sorry, one sec.
I I was in it.
Get out! You're a fan? Am I a fan? Is the Witch-King of Angmar a Nazgul? He sure is.
[stutters] This is amazima.
I'm freaking out.
- Who did you play? - Uh, small parts.
- Just blink and you miss me.
- [speaking Elvish] [in English] I said that I've seen the movie a thousand times in Elvish.
So, trust me, I'll remember.
Who were you? Elves have a word for "movie"? I used the word for "story.
" So who were you? An elf.
I knew it.
I love the elves.
With Galadriel? Or Elrond? Are you in the Battle of Pelennor Fields? What's that? - You didn't get one of these? - No.
Came in last week.
Jerry's got one.
Come on, lemme hear.
I'm warning you.
I'm awful.
- One sentence.
- Okay, you asked for it.
[in American accent] Hey, fellas.
I'm an American.
I never had a passport, and watery beer is the best.
Wow, you are so bad at an American accent.
I should get back to work.
Do you wanna see something? Uh My grandfather's flask.
Up for some shots? We're just being crazy.
Cheers! Let's get you home.
Too damn fast if you ask me.
And what the hell does Andy Serkis have to do to get an Oscar? Um, I can read palms.
Do you want a reading? Yeah.
I see a career change.
A promotion? What does it say about love? - [chuckles nervously] - [telephone rings] - [continues ringing] - I gotta I gotta get that.
Yeah.
[man shouting indistinctly on phone] Uh, what? She'll be here.
So will half of Seattle.
Those offices open in an hour.
We need to get these people underground.
The sick ones need their z-scratch.
I can do it.
No.
Your girl talked big.
I want to see if she's got stones to match.
We're about to find out.
Sorry, I'm late.
I thought I was being followed.
You sure you lost them? I wouldn't be here if I weren't sure.
Let's do this.
Show time.
If I film this, it's you on tape committing a capital offense.
[camera beeps] Okay.
Thank you.
[woman] Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Bless you.
We gotta get out of here.
Well, we'd miss the best part.
Mommy! Nice work, Renegade.
- [knock at door] - Come on in.
Ajax! Thank you.
[doorbell rings] Hey.
Hi.
Well, here for Air Bud 3, are we? All better? Yeah, getting there.
What can I say, Pops? I'm riding high.
Romero's is booked solid.
The Post is rakin' it in every night.
We've got a Scrooge McDuck room where I just roll around on freshly laundered cash.
[laughs] Any zombie who's anyone in this town kisses my ass.
- They pucker up and - [cell phone rings] Yeah? Just tell them that Fine, I'm coming.
[sighs] Man, I wish you could see my new whip.
I love you.
Mean it.
[Chuckles] Ciao.
You know this thing has turbo boosts, like, in video games? We have to swing by Romero's.
Apparently, there's a bunch of undesirables having a sit-down strike in our dining room.
Sir, I'm sorry, we tried everything.
They won't leave.
Raise your hand if you can afford to eat here.
Not a shock.
Guys, there's a soup kitchen with your name on it.
Vamonos.
You heard the man! Shoo! Skedaddle! Chop chop! Folks I really don't want to have to shoot anybody in the face today.
That's my son.
Just look at you.
You've done well.
And Blaine's worked for it.
My boy's got grit.
Nothing keeps us McDonoughs down! Not even a block of cement.
The well gives shape to the water.
[all] The water gives life to the well.
Like the bubble, I'm born to rise.
[all] So we rise.
Yeah, that's not creepy.
What do you want? In the dark, my one solace was when the watery skies would open and I would be fed.
Brain-drops falling on my head.
And now I'd like you to perform the very same sacrament for my flock.
We will come here once a week, and you will feed us.
And will my brothers and sisters be paying? Son.
You don't pay for family dinner.
[exhales] Mondays.
Lunch.
Make it a standing reservation.
Your weekly gift to the poor.
Yay, me.
Son I forgive you.
You forgive me? You forgive me? I will kill you.
You hear me? I will kill you! I will make it hurt.
So you keep smiling.
You keep smiling, you child-abusing son of a bitch.
It's one meal a week.
The Lord will shine His light on you.
[panting] Dino got him out.
He's the only one who knew.
Find him and deal with him.
Yeah, you don't have to ask me twice.
What about these guys? Serve 'em the cheap stuff.
- Hey.
- Can we talk in here? Yeah.
Emails, letters, recorded phone calls from people who want a ride on our Underground Railroad.
Mama always handled them.
So There's about 300 candidates on there.
How many can we help? Right now? Pick three.
Take your time.
You got this.
[Liv] A baby with spina bifida.
A young man with Lou Gehrig's.
A grandmother with the first signs of Alzheimer's.
Every person here needs us.
They all deserve help.
And I decide who lives, and whose story ends.
I wanted to help the living.
I wanted in.
Well I'm in it now.