Jann (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

The Big House

1 [CRYING] [TIRES SCREECHING] [MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO] [HOST]: Next up, an oldie but a goodie.
"Insensitive" by Jann Arden.
- [WEAKLY SINGING ALONG] - How do you cool your lips After a summer's kiss? I finally understand this song! - How do you rid the sweat - [WHIMPERING] [SIREN BLARING] - Holy crap - After the body bliss? [GASPING] Jann! [UPBEAT MUSIC] [BIRDS CHIRPING] [EXHALING HEAVILY] - Hi.
- Hi.
Jann? - Yes.
- You look normal-sized - in person.
- Oh thank you, I think.
Cute.
I'm Cale, I have an appointment to view the house.
I know.
You live here? I do when I'm not renting the place.
When I have guests here, I stay in the cottage - down the path.
- I think this could work - for my client.
- Who'd you say your client was? - I didn't.
- But you meant to? I didn't.
How many bedrooms does this place have? My client travels with an entourage.
Oh, I've got five really spacious bedrooms.
That's not ideal, but I guess two can share a room.
This is my friend Rhonda.
She helps me do stuff around here.
Rhonda, we're going to have a guest.
You're on a septic out here, so don't even think about flushing your tampons.
OK.
Thank you, Rhonda.
- Can I have this? - Oh, God.
It's all yours.
Thanks.
What was that, Rhonda? You want to know who the guest is? Rhonda would like - to know who the guest is.
- Rhonda doesn't care.
You should be more like Rhonda.
I will say, however, that my client is a huge name, and she's in town to headline Cancer Fest - at the Saddledome.
- Oh, that is so great.
You know, I have a gig myself later this afternoon.
- It's a private function - Neat.
You're a very accomplished musician, aren't you? I am! I am very accomplished.
And and you know, I'm very humble.
While my client stays here, can we take that down? Sadly, you are not the first person to ask me that, so I had a special sheet made.
[ROCK MUSIC] - [BIRDS CHIRPING] - Ow.
[PHONE RINGING] Ow! - Hey, Max.
- Stop! What are you doing?! - [CHILDREN SCREAMING] - Hello, Max? - [CHILD]: Get off me! - I said stop! Those cupcakes - are for the bake sale! - Cupcakes? You don't have to talk to me like I'm a child too.
- [SCREAMING] - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hi! That's not my job! - Was that my job? - What are you doing here? Your butt dialled me and told me it had cupcakes.
Whoa! - Ooh-hoo! - Hey, Mom.
Hi, sweetheart.
Oh, my God.
Why is everybody freaking out? Your sister's pregnant again.
OK.
Ew.
- Really? - Are you happy about this? Should I be congratulating you? I don't know.
I mean, I have one in college and two in hockey.
I mean, do you think I want more of these?! Oh, you're precious and you were very much wanted.
I just got a promotion! I'm done with kids! - Every day with you is a gift.
- This wasn't supposed to happen.
He actually had a vasectomy.
OK.
Ew! All right, girls.
First one dressed is my favourite.
You know, I was this close to getting my life back on track.
Ooh! I have not had one of these since Dad's funeral.
You don't actually care, do you? Of course I do.
You do whatever you want.
Actually, right now, you're eating my children's lunches.
You know what? I have problems too.
I have a very complicated relationship.
With who? You and Cynthia broke up.
No, we didn't.
Have you seen her? Did you talk to her? What'd she say? Never mind.
You know what? We're just taking a break.
- We're just taking a breather.
- [SCREAMING]: Mom! Hey, get your feet off your sister's face! Please! OK, could you just do me one favour? Could you just take Mom to her doctor's appointment? I can't.
I need to earn a living.
I think we can all agree on that.
OK? How are you liking the minivan that I got for you guys? Well, that's really classy.
Have you got enough? I'll take a road cake.
- I really do have a gig.
- No, help yourself.
- I've got a headliner.
OK? - Just two? Congratulations.
So, good luck with everything.
- Hey, bye-bye! - Bye, Jann! - [GIRLS]: Bye, Auntie Jann! - Bye! See you later.
- Jackass.
- Your sister's just afraid that everyone will forget about her.
Oh, my God.
Do you think that's possible? [LAUGHING] Red queen.
- I know.
- OK.
Oh, my Lord Oh, my Lord Oh, my Lord Could I be your girl? - Woo! - Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
Thank you everybody.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, hey OK.
It's my pleasure to introduce this next act.
It's a father and son.
It says here they are professional - duck callers.
- [QUACKING SOUNDS] Duck callers.
They are known as FowlCall.
- So, let's hear it for FowlCall.
- [APPLAUSE] That was so great! OK.
They could not have cared less.
Hey, you can't read the crowd from up there.
From where I was, they loved it.
These two Hutterites knew all the words.
This is just not what I want to be doing.
Yeah, I know.
It's the kind of offer we're getting right now.
- OK, well, can we get going? - What's your hurry? Oh, my God.
Do you want to watch the duck people? Ready when you are.
So, when are we getting' paid? 'Cause I really need to put some cash in the bank.
Don't be mad, OK? We're getting paid well.
Just not in the traditional sense.
Guys put this is in the black SUV with the cheese.
Cheese?! I've done my research.
We'll get cash once we sell the cheese.
I hope you're kidding.
You ever go to the grocery store and buy Parmesan? It's like 14 bucks for a tiny little wedge.
Each wheel is 120 pounds.
We've got three of them.
Three wheels.
In cash, that's double your last private gig.
I know, but that's cash.
I cannot buy shoes with cheese.
You just have to be patient.
Hang on to the cheese for a couple of days - 'til we find a buyer.
- OK.
This is embarrassing.
Do you know how it makes me feel to be performing for dairy products? It's like edible Bitcoin! I want you to get me Cancer Fest.
Jann.
You know I do everything in my power Mainstage.
Saddledome.
That show's been booked for months! Drake, Feist, Arcade Fire I want you to do everything in your power to get me Cancer.
Fest? OK.
I'll try.
That's all I ask.
Wow, you really look like Jann Arden! - Actually, I - I do not care for her.
[SIGHING] [UPBEAT MUSIC] - Hey, Todd.
- Jann, I've got news.
You got Cancer.
Yes! Fest? Yeah.
That.
Cancer Fest! - Way to go, Todd.
- I can't believe it myself! A spot opened up for this afternoon.
Terri Clark had to bow out at the last minute.
- Fantastic! - It's a medical situation.
She may have cancer.
Oh that's terrible.
Melanoma.
They're mapping her moles as we speak.
Oh, Jesus.
- But still, great for you! Right? - Yeah - See you there at three.
- Thanks, Todd.
See you.
- [SIGHING] - [BEEP] [RINGING] [BEEP] Hey.
So, you know how when I'm pregnant I can't handle certain smells? Well, a few days ago, Mom helped me put away the groceries, and the rump roast didn't quite make it into the fridge.
Oh, no.
Did I do that? It's OK.
It's no problem.
It's totally fine.
[THUD] I just had to share.
Call me back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh [DOOR OPENING] Wow, Todd.
This is seriously - Glad you like it.
- Oh! Oh, gosh.
Hey, I love that.
Oh, gosh What? - Why are they - This was all for Terri.
Come on! Really? Missing Cancer Fest because of a cancer scare.
I mean, what are the odds of that? - Very ironic.
- But you know what? The woman never wears sleeves.
So, we've got a three-song acoustic set.
- Your guitar's all set up.
- Great.
I love when it's just you and the music.
I'm so excited for you! I think I'm gonna watch from front of house.
- Get the true fan experience.
- Yes! - You're on next.
- Yes! - Call me if you need me.
- I will, I will! [TAPPING] - - [WHOOSHING] "Not delivered"? Hey! Can you tell Jann Arden she's on in 10? Oh, you know what? Actually, I am [DISTANT MUSIC PLAYING] [DISTANT CHEERING] Hey.
I'm up next.
Yeah, may I see your pass please? Oh.
Um my manager has my pass.
I'm Jann Arden? Yeah, but you gotta have a pass.
Come on, you know me.
Hide your heart under the bed And lock your secret drawer Wash the angels - From your head - Not ringing any bells.
OK.
I'm gonna phone my manager.
Yeah, you do that.
But you're not gonna get any signal here.
[EXCITED SCREAMING] Oh! My favourite! Oh! - Bella bambina! - It's Feist? That's who's renting my house? I love your new video.
I bought it on iTunes! - Radical.
- She says "radical".
OK.
That woman is staying at my house! Please, Feist, tell this guy who I am! - Who am I?! - Safe circle.
You're too close.
She doesn't like contact.
Do I know this person from somewhere? You're staying in my house! Um, you're literally - pooing in my toilet.
- I don't do that.
- She doesn't do that.
- OK.
You know who I am.
Can you please tell this guy? - My manager has my pass.
- You need a new manager.
OK.
You're not being very helpful.
Yeah, I'm getting tired of pretending to be nice - to this person.
- I can hear you.
And also, I'm gonna need to not see that anymore.
- [MAN SNARLING] - Look, Cale, I'm finding this very stressful.
I don't feel well.
I'm gonna need to Facetime with my life coach.
- OK.
Thanks.
- OK.
No sign of Jann Arden.
We're moving on.
[HOST]: Please give a warm Cancer Fest welcome - You're gonna be sorry.
- to a timeless talent.
An artist as relevant today as when we first fell in love with her Sarah McLachlan! [BEEP!] Sarah McLachlan?! Ma'am, you need to leave.
Right now.
And into the fire I'm reunited Into the fire Perfect damn song! - I am the spark - What the frig?! - Into the night - Where's Jann? - I yearn for comfort - [CHEERING] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - [RINGING] - Nope! Call Cynthia.
[DINGING] [SIRI]: You asked me to block that number while you give each other some space.
OK.
Override that.
- Override that block.
- [DINGING] You asked me to block - give each other some space.
- Oh, my God.
- You asked me to block that number - Ignore that block.
I'm sorry, Jann.
I can't do that.
Please open your settings to change call blocks.
OK.
Call 403-555-0177.
[DINGING] - Dialling that number.
- Do not tell me who I can call! Hi, this is Cynthia.
Leave me a message.
- [BEEP] - Hey, it's me.
And, um, I know you wanted some space and some time.
But listen, things are really going to hell, and I really need to see you.
I'm coming over.
[BEEP] [DOG BARKING] What? Come on! [SIGHING] - [PHONE LINE TRILLING] - [RINGING] Hi, this is Cynthia.
Leave me a message.
OK.
You don't decline me.
I'm the decliner! [INSENSITIVE BY JANN ARDEN PLAYING] How do you cool your lips Why is everyone so disappointing?! After a summer's kiss? I finally understand this song! - How do you rid the sweat? - [SIREN BLARING] - Holy crap! - After the body bliss? - [GASPING] - [MOOING] [SCREAMING]: Jann! Oh, I really should have known By the time you drove me home By the vagueness in your eyes - [GRUNTING] - [INDISTINCT SPEAKING OVER RADIO] [JANN GROANING] - Ma'am? - Oh, God! - Are you OK? - Big trouble! Big trouble! This is a very stressful situation! [HOLLERING] I think that's Jann Arden.
[GROANING] Jesus! [GROANING] Get up! Get going! [PANTING] Ma'am, there's no need for this! We're not gonna hurt you! I watch CNN! [PANTING] I guess she didn't see the open gate.
[GROANING] Oh! [SHRIEKING] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! You'll never catch me, coppers! Are you OK, Ms.
Arden? Damn it! My mom's gonna be so excited that I met you.
Your mother can kiss my ass! Don't make me say it, but I'm caught on my area.
My la-di-da! I'm not drunk! I'm just sad! - [LAUGHING] - Can you let me out of here? Oh.
Well, you're not under arrest.
And the the door is open.
Oh.
I have been sober six years.
You mentioned.
And you blew a zero on the Breathalyzer.
It's clear that this is something else.
We really just brought you in to make sure you were OK.
- Your ride is coming.
- Actually, I'm here.
- Oh.
Hey, Max.
- Ma'am? My freezies? OK.
They've been on my lady bits.
It's your call, Doug.
Enjoy.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Well, that police video is going to be everywhere, and my career is going to be over.
Well, maybe it's time you just focus on something else.
- Like what? - I don't know, but something has to give.
You have freezies on your vagina.
My work is all I have.
That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and I have children.
- Do you want these for the kids? - No! Mm-mm.
- No.
- There's nothing wrong with them.
I'll eat 'em myself.
[DOOR CLOSING] Jann Arden police video.
"Jann Arden Caught By the Fuzz".
Ew! 17 views? I can't even go viral properly! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh, God.
You know, I thought an IUD was bad.
- [KNOCKING] - What?! Oh.
You better not have flushed anything weird.
No.
I, um, came to give you a gift.
How did you know I like papaya? What do I get a woman in her 40s who's lost control of her life? I often contemplate burning my yurt down with these.
I'm just that good.
Thank you.
Jann I have an agenda.
Oh.
It's been a while.
Wow.
I was actually thinking of getting men back in the rotation.
Give me 45 minutes.
- I'll do a little bit of maintenance - Flattered.
That's a hard no on my end.
Mm.
I saw your video.
- Oh, you're one of the 17.
- Do you know what I saw? More of my cooch than you wanted to? Yes.
But I also saw an opportunity.
You're primed for a comeback.
Like vinyl.
Or measles.
I already have a manager.
He may screw up sometimes, - but Todd does his best.
- Like when he Tweeted a close-up photo of your nipple? He runs my Twitter and my Tinder account.
Sometimes he gets confused.
We've worked together a long time.
I can't imagine firing him.
My generation doesn't need commitment up front.
We can see how things go.
But I do need your permission to try and book you some better gigs.
Let's get you back into that house of yours.
- You sure you don't want to - No.
[INHALING DEEPLY] Yeah.
[BIRDS CHIRPING] [ACOUSTIC MUSIC] - Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
- Oh.
Hi, love! - Everything is about to change! - It sure is.
So, Mom and I have been talking, and we've decided she's gonna come live with you for a bit.
What?! My house is chaos, and she needs someone looking out for her.
She's forgetting things.
She is getting older.
- OK.
She's right here.
- Mom, you don't want to come live with me, right? Well, it'll be a nice change of pace.
Mom loves you more.
And she's really not that into me.
- I'm your biggest fan! - I am pregnant and sick and tired of ironing your face.
OK.
Who irons t-shirts?! Just keep her alive.
- Bye, Maxi.
- Yeah.
- OK.
Thanks so much.
- Mm-hmm.
- And goodbye, Max.
- Bye.
Oh Your sister's very stressed about having another baby.
I know she is, Mom.
Sometimes, I think about having another baby.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [CRYING] Is this fence electrified? It wouldn't be that bad, really.
Would it? Why did I even bother getting a Brazilian wax? You know? It's days like this where it just doesn't matter.
You know what? Is it weird that I have no sensation down there? Nothing! I can't feel a thing.
Oh, my God.
This is a lot like a date I had in 1997.
I am cool and I'm wise And I'm larger than your life I am bigger than the sun Watch me burning to the end Of all time, I'll be fine Watch me breaking through The finish line, finish line I am an army I don't do what I'm told I'm your king