Jann (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Go With the Flowga

1 (BIRDS CHIRPING) I used to think That I was a good girl I used to think That the world was fair But things have gone - Just a little bit cra - Jann? Ah What the hell, Mom? I can't find the eggs.
They're right here, Mom.
They're literally right here in front of you.
Oh really? Really.
I'm just gonna make them.
- Scrambled please.
- You got it.
- Oh, hey.
I was just checking in.
How's day one with Mom? Is everybody still alive? Oh, how thoughtful of you to call to see if we're all dead.
Yes, thanks for that.
Oh, it's 8AM.
Did you give Mom her pill? It's the pink one.
- The one for blood pressure.
- Of course I did.
- Here you are.
- It has to be taken with food.
Give it back.
Thanks, tips.
Hey! I've been trying to reach you.
- You've been screening my calls? - Todd, I'm on a call.
Hey, Nora.
You look great.
Are you flirting with me, Todd? I just hope someone in this house isn't mad at me.
What are you up to today? Oh, well, right now, I'm scraping snot off of my door.
- Oh, God.
Yours? - Negative.
And the girls are home because it's a Professional Development day at their school.
When do you imagine these teachers will actually be developed? I had to take one of my few vacation days to stay home with them.
- Couldn't Dave stay home? - Girls! It's breakfast! - (GIRLS SCREAMING) - No.
No, because he has a follow-up appointment for his failed vasectomy.
Eat up, Mom.
The dosage is all of it.
Those eggs look good.
Girls, I'm not going to say this again! It's breakfast! Oh, my God! Your life stresses me out.
I hate them for making me sound like this.
I don't get the follow-up appointment You're already pregnant! - Really, Jann? - I'm dead serious.
- I would be livid.
- Well what am I supposed to do? Go to the follow up appointment, give that guy a piece of your mind, and make yourself feel better.
You know what, you're right.
That dumbass doctor has changed my entire life.
I gotta go, Max.
Todd is here to apologize to me.
- (BEEP) - I'm gonna kill him.
I'm so sorry, Jann, about what happened yesterday at Cancer Fest.
I cannot believe I left you without your pass.
Big mistake Todd, Huge.
I somehow wound up so far from the stage Do you have any more of those eggs? - No.
- No.
And there was no cell reception.
I wish I could tell you that it all worked out for the best, but I ended up in a cow pasture, hanging upside down from my lady bits, and then I went to jail.
So, not the best day for me, Todd.
But look at you now! You look great! - Doesn't she look great? - Compared to what? Box for you on the porch.
I don't remember ordering anything.
Mom, do you have an online shopping addiction you forgot to tell me about? If I develop an addiction this late in life, it'll not be shopping, I'll tell you that much.
(MOCKING LAUGHING) That is so comforting.
- Get a glass.
- You're gonna be recording the chorus for that ensemble song about empowering young women today.
I wonder if they'll let me in without a pass.
Do you forgive me or not? Isn't it obvious? Studio time is one.
You didn't have to drive all the way out here to tell me that.
Well, if you'd just answer his calls (PHONE BEEPING AND BUZZING) So, anything new? Anything interesting? What's happening? Nope.
Nothing new.
I live here now, that's new.
I love it! It's sort of like a Grey Gardens type of vibe.
How's it going so far? - Great! - Not great.
Well, I'll leave you two to sort that out.
Jann, I'm really happy we're back on track.
Morning Jann's mom.
This is Cale, and she's helping me manage a few things.
But you already have a manager.
Those eggs aren't gonna eat themselves.
Okay? You got my package.
Why haven't you opened it? Well This morning, after spin class, I did two things: I contacted The Weekend and asked if he could sample one of your songs for his upcoming album.
And I booked you a social media sponsorship.
Both of these deals should inject some juice into your very thirsty career.
What the hell are these? Flowga pants.
They eliminate the need for feminine products.
They're made of a highly absorbent material so you can just let it flow.
I really hope I'm confused about what you're telling me.
- You're not.
- Oh I wish I was still menstruating.
Said nobody ever.
The Flowga-Pant company noticed that you've been quite vocal about your heavy periods.
Naturally, they thought you'd make a great ambassador for their period pants.
Let's do this.
I don't have my period right now.
I 100% don't care, just go put them on.
- And then what? - And then, you, the celebrity, try on the product, the Flowga-Pants and share your very positive experience on social media.
You have to make five posts, in the next 24 hours in order to get paid.
- Got it? - I guess.
You need a minute to let that soak in? These may be my new addiction! JANN: Oh, my God.
- They look good on her.
- This is terrifying.
Lindenbaum, how are you? That's awesome.
My wife's just pawning off the girls off on your receptionist, and then she's going to join us for this appointment.
I'm just giving you the heads up - 'cause she's coming in hot.
- As in she has a fever? Ha! No.
No, as in totally pissed off.
And she has a few questions for you.
Actually just the one question.
Lindenbaum, what the actual (BLEEP)! Could we get Mom to step out of frame, please? Mom? These Flowga-Pants look amazing! I just need you to give me a look that says, I feel clean and dry! - (CAMERA CLICKING) - Okay, Jann, if you could tell your face that you don't hate this, that would be great.
All right.
It's not horrible.
Post that one.
And don't forget to use the Flowga-Pants hashtag: #freebleed.
- Are you serious? - Literally always.
I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about this.
- What am I looking at? - My ex, Cynthia.
- I think she has a new girlfriend.
- And? And that sucks! Is she hot? She has an unlikable face, no? I think she's trying to make me jealous.
Jealousy isn't really in my wheelhouse.
But if you look fierce in your posts, she'll take notice and regret breaking up with you.
- Mom? - Yeah? I want you to go grab the flashlight out of the earthquake kit and my hairdryer.
- (R&B MUSIC) - All right, Jann! - I got a man - Yes, Jann! Who are you?! Oh, my God! Those eyes! Mom, thank you! Open yourself.
Open the flow.
Yes! You are dry! You are free! You are female! Yes! What?! This only happens to 1 in 500 guys? Well, then, 499 guys owe me a beer! Well, as a physician, I wouldn't recommend - that amount of alcohol.
- We're comin' for you.
We are going to sue you for every single thing you have.
- Yes, we are.
Including this! - That's fragile.
Well now, it's mine.
Baby, you're scaring me.
And I love it.
I can see that you're a bit upset.
- That's right.
- Um, uh, yeah.
I have to ask, did you two abstain from sex for the full 90 days following the procedure, as outlined in the follow-up materials? Did you say "follow-up material"? Got it.
I'll use the follow-up material.
I'm like MacGyver.
You are so hot.
Chug that down so I can take you to bonetown.
Garcon! Ma'am! I guess it would be too late to, um - to read it now.
- It would.
- Right.
- It is, huh? Yeah.
Because of the, uh - Baby.
- Yeah.
I I think that this is your, um - Penis.
- Yes.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) GIRLS: Hi, Gram! Oh! Hi, honey.
Okay, so I'm assuming the follow-up appointment didn't go well and that's why you're dumping the kids with us? Correct.
And what, in God's name, are those? Hey, we Rea We really appreciate you doing this.
Max and I have some things to discuss and we just need some quiet.
- Okay - We're hungry.
Yeah, they haven't had anything to eat.
Can you give them some lunch? You have no food at your house? Can you just feed your nieces? You can just give them fast food if that makes it easier.
Actually, I have chicken nuggets in the car and three wheels of cheese and I don't want to talk about it.
Just listen to your Grandma.
Why're we going with you, Auntie J? Valid question.
'cause your Mom and Dad wanna spend time with not you.
- So, here we all are.
- I'm thirsty.
Can't help you.
I need you guys to stay in the lobby with Gram while I record a song, okay? What song are you singing? It's called "I Love Myself" and it's it's a song that empowers young girls to use their voices.
So, I'm gonna need you to shut up and do what you're told, okay? (UPBEAT MUSIC) (UPBEAT MUSIC) - Hey.
- Hi, Jann.
- Big fan of yours.
- Thank you.
- Love the pants.
- Oh! I'm Wayne.
This is where the magic happens.
Um, I thought there was gonna be 20 people here.
Most of the others are recording in LA.
- Oh.
- They're huge stars.
No, the chorus is gonna record later.
Wasn't I clear about that? No, you were not clear about that, Todd.
There's 20 people in the chorus? How are they gonna hear me? They'll hear you as much as any of the other 19 voices.
How are they gonna know that it's me singing? Everyone who hears the song will go to the charity's website and read the full list of performers! One second.
I honestly need a solo line because my career is so thirsty.
A solo line? - It wouldn't hurt to ask him.
- No, you can really burn - bridges by asking.
- Todd, can't you just ask him? You want a solo line? What did I just say? And I am going to get that for you.
Hey Jann can't get her own line in the song, can she? - No.
- OK.
He said no.
He's a real tough negotiator.
We should probably talk about this stuff.
- Mm.
- Number one we really need to start paying attention to follow-up material.
It is so quiet in here.
(SLURPING) That's what happens with no children.
Are we up for having another one? 'cause we need to figure out how this is gonna affect - the girls our jobs - Hmm.
I mean, the stress that it could put on our relationship.
We could talk.
Or we could do it on the couch then eat sandwiches.
- God, I love you.
- I love you.
Do we have any more of that turkey? It's in the crisper, under the Brussels sprouts.
- Boots, boots, boots! - Got it.
- Forget it.
Forget it.
- Yeah.
I am so excited.
I am gonna let myself eat white bread.
Good for you.
(GRUNT) Sammy, where is your sister? I can't get the lion's hair right! Let's go.
Come on, honey.
Let's go.
We've gotta go find her.
- Oh, my God.
That was fast.
- What? Nothing.
Hi, there.
I'm Cale.
Jann's gonna need a solo line.
Oh, sorry, they've all been assigned already.
I get that, but here's the thing.
What's your name? Um Wayne.
Here's the thing, Wayne.
Jann's going through a rebrand.
She's on the verge of a national tour and an upcoming album and her Insta follower count is doubling by the day.
- It is? - I don't think it is.
And by the time this single comes out, I mean, she's gonna be everywhere.
Are you sure you want to bury her in the chorus? What a waste, am I right? I guess.
But who sings what isn't up to me.
Do you think your boss would be happy to know you had the chance to highlight a big star, and you just didn't bother? You get Jann a line, you look smart, she looks good, everybody wins.
You're welcs.
- Let me see what I can do.
- You got this, Wayne.
Who is that? She's a friend.
A very scary friend that people listen to when she talks.
But don't even worry about it.
You got your line.
Thank you, Wayne.
"When I look into the mirror, I hate what I see.
" Okay.
(BLEEP) sakes.
- Are you sure this is my line? - Yep.
Solo line, like you wanted! - Ready? - I guess.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) When I look into the mirror I hate what I see - Yeah, yeah - (MUSIC STOPS) - Oh-ho-ho! Yes! - Yes Not bad.
This time hit "hate" a little harder.
Yeah? Do you hate yourself? What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? - Yeah? - Honestly, Wayne, I just, this feels a little bit high for me.
It's high because it's in Shania's key.
Let's try and, you know, get up to Shania's level.
- Yeah? Think you can? - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - We're rolling.
- I'm I'm waiting.
What ever.
Let's go.
When I look into the mirror I hate what I see Yeah, yeah (MUSIC STOPS) Are you feeling the hate, Jann? I'm feeling the hate right now, Wayne.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Let's go again.
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) When I look into the mirror I hate what I see - Yeah, yeah - (MUSIC STOPS) It still feels just like words.
- TODD: Come on! - I'm not feeling the emotion yet.
(MUMBLING): When I look into the mirror I hate what I see How was that? Yeah, um, I couldn't hear the words at all that time.
- Really? - I want to really hear the hate you have for yourself, Jann.
Like, tap down, way deep down into that well of shame - and self-loathing.
- (INAUDIBLE SPEAKING) - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) - (INAUDIBLE SPEAKING) - When I look into the mirror - (TAPPING) I don't think we've met.
I'm Todd Todd Grainger.
Former manager of clients such as Gordon Lightfoot and Diana Krall.
Emphasis on former.
Golf handicap of 17.
Allergic to shellfish.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING) How did you know all that? Because I try harder than you, Todd.
You're a dinosaur.
And do you know why all the dinosaurs went extinct? - They couldn't adapt.
- I thought it was a meteor.
Then I am your meteor, Todd! I'm younger and I'm smarter and soon, Jann will understand that she needs someone like me, who gets the business now.
So make all the smug jokes you want about Millennials and avocado toast because I eat avocado toast for breakfast.
- It's full of heart-healthy fats.
- I hate what I see Okay.
I was under the impression that this song was supposed to be - empowering for young women? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah, it is.
You - Mm-hmm? Umm you have the set-up line.
The line after yours is "But there are so many things to love about me.
" Okay.
I would like to do that line instead.
I'm sure you would, but Kiesza's doing that one.
- She can do my line.
- (SCOFFING) Yeah, uh, right.
No one will ever believe that Kiesza hates herself.
(LAUGHING) Let's go.
I'm at a loss.
Aren't we all, darling? Let's just try and do what you do, which is sing.
(TODD): We'll get it, Jann! We'll get it! Is Frankie here? Okay.
She's not with you? - She just disappeared! - What do you mean? I turned my head just for like 30 seconds Gram! Auntie J! Is that Kiesza? Where were you? - I rode the elevator with them! - Sorry to worry you.
- We didn't realize she got on.
- You're fine.
Thank you so much.
You two go get something to eat and drink.
- Whatever we want? - No booze! It's my fault.
It could happen to any of us.
Okay? (SIGHING) Now, you can have some booze, if you want.
- (COMPRESSED AIR HISSING) - Ah! - (GROANING) - I only shook it a little! - Or a lot! - Normally I wouldn't mind, but I'm heading straight to a photo shoot! - Okay.
I've got an idea.
Hang on.
- What? Do not take your pants off.
- I tell her that all the time.
- I hate what I see Yeah Yeah, yeah But there are so many things To love about me Ooh, ooh Yeah Amazing.
One take, one done.
That's how it's done.
Wonderful, Jann! Woo! Awesome! I thought that went great.
- Well, you're the only one.
- (THUD AND GROAN) Is there something we need to talk about? - This is not the time, Todd.
- Oh, my God! - I think he's bleeding out! - Hey! I got this.
And that is why you wear a helmet.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) - I know you want this baby.
- I'd have 10.
But I'm also happy with what we have.
Today was pretty awesome.
If we could have our own P.
day just every now and then, then I'm good.
So Yeah.
Let's do it.
- (VIDEO GAME MUSIC) - Your time's up! - Give me the iPad! - No, it hasn't! Mom! - (SCREAMING) - Stop it! You have your stupid book, stupid! Mom, you're just gonna sit here and watch us?! Dad, what are you doing?! Help me! - Give me the iPad! - Mom! (UPBEAT MUSIC) "Kiesza Saves Young Man's Life.
" If you'd cradled his head in your crotch wearing Flowga-Pants, you'd be the hero.
Next time listen to me.
They really are absorbent, aren't they? Yes, Jann! Yes, queen! I got a man, yeah The time of your month is the most powerful time of your month! - Oh! Feel the Flowga! - Yeah, I got a man Mm! You're nailing this! - Let it just breathe! - Ooh! Goddess of Flowga! I am cool and I'm wise