Jann (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Weekend at Charley's

1 [DOORBELL RINGING] Oh! Do you know how to butcher an elk? I'm sorry.
Is Jann not home? I'm here to interview her.
She's over there.
Oh! Hi! Jann! Becca Smythe, Dwelling magazine.
Also a huge fan! Haha! I, uh - I'm here for the photoshoot.
- Sorry, what? - The photoshoot.
- OK.
I am totally ready for you.
I knew all about it.
Did you mention something about a photoshoot? Oh, yes.
We planned it six months ago.
Great.
It's gonna be so great.
OK.
Sorry, can you just sit there? Rhonda? - Yeah? - I locked myself out.
Son of a bitch! This is the house.
One hundred percent designed by me with a little help from all the architects who kept quitting.
I'm gonna get tidied up for the photoshoot, and you can just go ahead and interview me.
[VACUUMING NOISE] [SHOUTING]: Which room is your favourite and why? - Pardon? - Uh, sorry.
- I was just saying - [VACUUMING NOISE] which room is your favourite and why? I'm just gonna need you to move a little bit that way, so I can get that.
Thank you so much.
- [VACUUMING NOISE] - Oh, um Yeah.
Is is this a bad time? Your manager Todd promised me he would remind you - that I was coming by.
- He probably did, but I haven't seen my phone in a while.
[PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING] Oh, maps of Calgary? German newspapers? Not exactly the reading material - I imagined for you.
- I get lost quite a bit, and who doesn't love Hamburger Abendblatt? - "Hamburger Abendblatt.
" - Oh, there you are! Why aren't you in the other house? Why aren't you in the other house? - There's another house? - Yes.
We stay in the cottage, and Jann rents this place out.
- This is my mom, Nora.
- Hello.
Why are you here? I can't open your peanut butter.
For one thing, it's not peanut butter.
- It's cashew butter.
- Oh, God! Never mind then.
Really? I do rent this place out, but I am not broke.
Of course not.
And I hear you are working for The Weeknd.
According to Loverboy, isn't everybody? What were you talking about? The Weeknd's new single, Would You Die For Me, he sampled one of your songs for it.
That should help make ends meet! Oh, my ends are meeting.
My ends are overlapping.
- "Ends overlapping.
" - Don't write that down.
Oh.
Who's this? That is the picture that came with the frame.
So just put that there.
But you're in the picture.
There was a time in my life where I did a little bit of modeling.
I know that this Groupon is technically expired, but I really I need this.
I'm sorry.
We have a strict policy of not letting in people off the street.
[DOOR CLOSING] Welcome back, Ms.
Bohen.
- Thank you.
- Cynthia.
- Hi, Max.
- Hmm.
Probably not thrilled to see the woman who dumped your sister.
- Oh.
- Oh, I heard, - congrats on number four! - Oh, thanks, yeah.
For the record, I'd heard that the dumping was mutual.
Yeah.
I heard that too.
Well, enjoy your spa.
- You're not coming in? - Oh, no, there was a problem with my group my membership.
It's fine.
I have a lot of drudgery to get back to.
Why don't you come in with me? I have a couples pass.
Yours and Jann's? It seems like it would be a waste of half a pass.
On the one hand, it feels disloyal, but on the other hand number four.
We'll make a rule: no talking about Jann.
I can live with that.
By the way, I love your earrings.
Oh, thank you, I got them from a person.
Mmm-hmm.
[JANN]: Where is it?! Why are you in such a state? Because I can't find my phone! I was doing an unexpected photoshoot and that reporter thinks we're destitute thanks to you.
Oh, well, remind me next time that I'm supposed to lie.
- [PHONE RINGING] - Hey, what? What am I hearing? Ah! The freezer, Mom, really? You don't honestly think I did something that stupid, do you? Well, I didn't do it.
Would you please be more mindful about what you're doing?! Why are you always so mad at me? - [DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING] - You are here.
I have been texting you all day.
I couldn't find my phone, and Todd got me some kind of a photoshoot with a magazine, and Wow, a gift basket.
Courtesy of The Weeknd - and my ridic management skills.
- Oh.
"Our single is hot, just like these spicy nuts.
" Impressive, a card this bad takes real confidence.
Got some shortbread.
There's some tapenade.
Mom, there's shortbread! - Nope! - Jann, I really need to lay down some ground rules.
Oh, my God, there's artisanal popcorn, Mom.
- You love that! - No, thanks.
Jann? When I text you, I expect a response within 10 minutes.
If I text you a second time, it's an emergency.
A third text means I quit.
- Got it? - Wow, you are not Todd.
Which is why I'm not wasting your time on some paper magazine.
Todd is so out of touch.
OK, he's not hurting anybody.
He's not helping either.
Fortunately, he won't be a factor much longer.
What?! "Happy retirement.
" [APPRECIATIVE WHISTLE] "Time's up, but not in a hashtag way.
" She spells Cale with a C? [ENERGETIC TECHNO MUSIC] Oh, look at you! - Let's do this! Come on! - That is a statement.
Alright.
And smile.
- [CAMERA CLICK] - Good.
Something else? - [CAMERA CLICK] - Ooh, yeah! - [CAMERA CLICKING] - Oh, sexy! Ho, ho, ho, ho! That is daring.
Oh, very nice.
Oh, I like the bite.
- Show off those red lips.
Oooh! - [PHONE RINGING] Oh.
It is my niece.
One second.
Hey, Charley.
How is university life? Hi, Auntie J.
Uh, it's OK.
Um, is my mom with you? - No.
- Right.
Uh I need your help with something, but you can't tell Mom, OK? I know exactly what's going on.
I'll be there as fast as I can.
[BEEP] Mom, get in the car and pee first.
- I'm on it.
- I have to go.
My niece needs my help to get an abortion! Jann Arden, what can't she do? You're 80, not 800.
Let's get the lead out.
I wore the wrong shoes for this! You're here! - Hi, Gram.
- Hi, sweetheart.
I can't believe you got here so quick.
I didn't have anything important going on, - so let's get you to the clinic.
- Why? To look after your little problem.
I don't need an abortion.
I know, but you want one.
And that's OK! I'm not pregnant.
You've got opioid crisis.
- No! - You got an STD? An STI? A UTI? You're really bad at this.
Oh, no.
Just give me a second.
- I'll get it.
- I would die for you.
- Excuse me? - The new Weeknd single, Would You Die For Me? You're featured on the track, right? You're the I Would Die For You lady? Haha.
Insta.
- [CLICKING] - I'm a music trivia guy, so this is golden.
"Golden," - that's sweet.
- Tagged and posted.
- Thanks, Ms.
Arden.
- OK, let's get back to you.
You do or you do not need to go to a clinic? - I do not need to go.
- I'm on my way to the clinic right now if you guys wanna come with.
[WOMAN]: Hey, Duffy! - Is she still with you? - Yeah.
- Right here.
- You know The Weeknd? That's so cool! [PHOTO CLICKING] [WOMAN]: Oh, my God, it's the Die For You lady! - [PEACEFUL MUSIC] - Hm, relaxing.
Mm-hmm.
So, how's your mom? Oh, she's OK.
Just a little scattered.
Three months ago, she moved in with a person.
Can I ask you one thing about Jann and then I'll drop it? We made the rule.
I feel like we can make an exception to the rule out of respect for my half of the couple's past.
Does she ever talk about me? At all? Yes.
And? And she hopes that the breakup will be a blessing in disguise because you have a lot of work to do on yourself.
I have a lot of work to do on myself? I have a lot of work to do on myself?! Did she mention that the amount of work that she has to do on herself, she needs to hire contractors? You know what? We shouldn't talk, we made the rule.
Screw the rule.
And screw Jann.
You know, I first knew we were in trouble when we fought about whether or not Judi Dench was on Game of Thrones.
Oh, but let me take this back to 2014.
It's like being on a date with a teenage boy.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER] - [BACKGROUND INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC] [CELL PHONE CHIME] - [BEEP] - This is Cale.
Hi, Cale.
This is Todd.
Got the watch you sent, thanks for that.
Slight confusion.
The thing is I'm not planning to retire.
- so - I agree.
From what I've seen, you retired a long time ago.
Well, I may have slowed down a step or two over the years to take the Fridays off, most Mondays too, of course January and February, but that's just me streamlining.
Efficiency.
Right.
Pull! Hello? You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to send me a message.
What? I can't congratulate a respected colleague at the end of his career? - No, no, of course - Pull! Of course you can, and I appre Wait a second, - it's not the end of my career.
- Pull! - [GUNSHOT OVER PHONE] - Playing mind games with me? If I was trying to send you a message, believe me, you'd know it.
[BEEP] Hello? Cale? [DOOR CLOSING] Excuse me, are you Todd Grainger? Yes, I am.
[TOOT] Farewell, Todd Farewell, Todd Farewell, Todd You had a decent run Decent run [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Thank you so much, guys.
That was great.
You can tell the woman who hired you, - I'm not retiring.
- Would you like us to sing a rebuttal? Cost you 200 bucks for four bars.
- You can book us on our app.
- Forget it.
Alright then.
Come on, guys, we're late for a bris.
Farewell foreskin Farewell foreskin It's time for you To go What's The Weeknd like? Is he chill? How tight are you guys? You get to touch his arms very much? Could you sing your part from his song? OK, I can.
Die [CROWD CHEERING] She's never actually met this Weeknd fellow, has she? Highly doubtful.
I guess we'll talk about my problem later.
[MAN]: Let's go to the bar! [CROWD]: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [CROWD CHEERING] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! - I can't feel my face! - [CROWD CHEERING] [CROWD CHEERING] I will give you a hundred bucks for your sweater.
Oh, the campus gift shop is right around the corner.
- 200! - OK.
- I love university! - [ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] And she thinks she's good at golf.
Uh, no, she's not! She only likes it because she gets to ride around in the cart because it reminds her of a ride-on mower, which she is obsessed with.
- Right.
Yeah.
- I mean, why even golf? Just go ride bumper cars instead.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what I discovered far too late? She is completely unreasonable when she is wearing "shapewear.
" It's like it cuts off the blood flow to her brain.
OK, you know what? Jann is Jann, and maybe it's better if you just breathe through it and just accept that she just is who she is.
Oh, really? So do you just accept and breathe through that she brags to everyone that she's the sister that spends most of the time with your mom? Sorry, excuse me? Yeah.
Crazy, right? Well, that is ridiculous! Ladies, I can't believe I need to say this: there's no yelling in the spa.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
Did somebody complain? - [MAN]: Yes.
Me.
- [DOOR CLOSING] I just can't believe Jann sometimes! - I know, right?! - She just does whatever she wants without understanding that it affects other people! Oh, thank you! It's just nice to talk to somebody who gets it.
Maybe we should do this again next week.
Maybe we should do this again every week, but not tell Jann.
Turns out I'm pretty good at darts.
- Oh, good for you.
- Why don't you and Charley play me and Duffy a game? And just so you know, I may have told them that you babysat The Weeknd on the weekends.
What's the matter? Where the hell is Charley? - She left.
- Why? - She was upset.
- She is fine.
She's not pregnant.
She's HPV free Clearly, something else is going on, and maybe you should find out what it is.
Duffy, let me take you to school, just liked I used to take The Weeknd to school.
- No way! - What?! You used to take The Weeknd to school?! [MAN]: Order up! Patsy, table 12.
[RETRO SONG PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND] Hi, Cale.
- How did you find me? - Dumb luck.
But now that I'm here, I've got a couple of things I want to say to you.
So butter up, buckle cup.
- This is provocation - I'm on to you.
I know what you're up to, and I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not giving up.
Not on myself and not on Jann.
What do you actually bring to the table? What good are you to Jann? I've been with Jann since the beginning.
That in no way answers my question.
I don't know.
It's something.
I know, I know all that stuff that you do the social media this, the live streaming that all that stuff is just stuff.
I look after Jann.
The artist.
The person.
I bet you don't know she gets sad when storms wreck her garden.
Or she's feeling anxious, all she needs is a half hour riding around on her mower.
Jann needs someone who gets her, and that someone is me.
Well.
Hopefully, you actually have what it takes to deliver on that.
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope so too! And you can take your stupid watch because I'm not retiring.
That's got a nice weight to it, though.
As far as I'm concerned, this watch is an insult.
An insult made in Switzerland.
Wow! I hope you like looking at this stupid watch all the time because I'm gonna wear it to remind you that I am Todd, and I know what time it is.
I'll just keep holding on [FEMALE SINGER HUMMING] There you are! I found you because I know you so well.
You literally just came back to the place - you found me before.
- True, but I came back with poutine! What's going on? I'm on academic suspension.
I missed a couple of weeks of classes, and then I got too far behind to catch up.
I feel like an idiot.
OK.
Well, why did you call me? I know you're the one paying for this.
There's no way they could afford it.
I may have chipped in a little.
It's your money that I'm wasting, so it's your advice that I want.
And I give good advice! I thought I had a solid plan.
I'd major in Commerce, I'd get a sensible degree, and then I would have no trouble finding a job at an established - [JANN SNORING] - [CHARLEY LAUGHING] That is so boring! I mean that's the problem.
You've got to do something that excites you.
- I have no idea what that is.
- Mm-hmm.
Until then, you can't stay here.
But all the money you spent You can work it off.
You can come and live with me and help me with Gram.
- Really? - Yes.
- It's exactly what I need.
- OK.
Like I said, I give really good advice.
What about Mom? She was so excited that someone in the family was going to university.
Could we just not tell her yet? Of course.
I am the best secret keeper! By the way, did you know your mother was pregnant again? Yeah OK, you did not hear that from me.
OK, you got some kind of rash? No! You want a butt implant? No.
- You tried putting in an IUD in - No! - and it's lost? - What?! You had an orgasm climbing the rope in gym class? 'Cause I did that in 6th grade.
It's so great, you're gonna want to do that more.
This is the time you need to be experimenting.
Do you understand what I'm saying? I am cool and I'm wise