Jann (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

You've Been Soft Served

1 Welcome back to my channel, guys! Today, I'm gonna teach you how to fold the perfect fitted sheet in only five simple steps.
Step One: Trace your fingers along the exterior elastic until both your hands fit snugly in opposite corners.
Step two: take the northeast corner of the sheet and pull it over the northwest corner of the sheet.
Here we go.
- What the hell? Wait a second.
What? - Great.
What is the northeast corner? Are you still with me? - OK, wait.
What? - Step three: Make it taut.
- What? What? What? - [SKYPE RINGTONE] - What are you doing? - Trying to fold a fitted sheet.
Oh! Well, that's not how.
No, You hold the sheet up, one hand in each corner, then you take the northeast - Max, what do you want? - I'm calling to complain about my mat leave replacement.
She's young and overly positive and brings baked goods.
- I hate her.
- Do a crap job training her.
What do you mean? Tell her to do things wrong? Forget to tell her how to do them right.
That's evil.
And I am not above it.
- Can you imagine - Gotta go.
Don't want to be late.
I follow this Brooklyn baker and she makes these ridiculously gorgeous Jann? [MUSICAL THEME] What are you doing out here? I'm waiting for you.
Where are we going? Pajama party? I can't find my purse.
- OK.
- I thought it was in here.
Maybe I left it at Maxi's.
Wouldn't be the first time.
I hate losing stuff.
It is so frustrating.
So I get it.
It's been happening a lot to me these days.
It's like little elves are running around, moving things behind my back.
It's like I'm going crazy.
Let's go inside and get you dressed.
Maybe your purse will be there.
Oh! All right.
Has she been taking her meds? Of course.
Charley puts them in that little plastic thingy, it's great.
Should we just take her to the doctor, just to make sure she's OK? I got a thing later this afternoon, but Do you want to meet after that? - Yeah, yeah.
Just call me.
- OK.
- I am starting to see - Hey! - [MUSIC DIMS] - I need your help with something.
Oh! I kind of made plans for the day.
To do what? - This? - Uh-uh.
Nice try.
- Put this on.
- [SIGHS] No! You can't make me.
You're not my real dad.
Oh, and I thank God for that.
But your real dad would make you do it.
[SIGHS] Damn it.
Great song.
- Great song! - Thank you.
Gotta say that did impress me much.
Ha! Ha! Or should I say you're still the one? Now, I know you've been working on new music.
I have been, yes.
Thank you.
And do you have a studio at your home in Switzerland or do you come back when it's time to record? Do you think I'm Shania Twain? Um I think I was given the wrong background information OK, that's a load of crap, Alan.
Here's a word from our sponsor, Fairview Falconry.
So you're getting us confused, 'cause we all sound the same? [MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT] Oh, God, I'm Jann Arden.
And I know that Shania Twain and I have an uncanny physical resemblance, but you know what? It's your job, Alan, to kind of know who you're talking to.
Like, what the hell? I'm just not in the mood for this.
Why don't we take some calls from listeners? - That would be great.
- On the phone now is Sophie from Edmonton.
- We're live with Sophie! - Jann, I have so many things I have to ask you! This is so exciting.
Just take your time, Sophie.
My question is a two-parter.
Have you ever met Sarah McLachlan? And if so, is she as amazing in person as she seems? Yes, even more so.
What an artist! - Bruce, you're on.
- Hi, Jann! I just wanted to tell you that you changed my life.
- That's great to hear, Bruce.
- Yeah, I was watching your live stream and learned about new treatments for hyperhidrosis.
Now, I only sweat a few litres a day.
My quality of life is through the roof! Good for you, Bruce.
I swear, for the rest of my life, whenever I think of uncontrollable sweating, I'm gonna think of Jann Arden.
- OK.
Next call, I think.
- Bob, you are on.
Hey, Jann! You're my favourite singer ever.
Thank you.
I can't wait for your new album to drop! And you're so approachable.
Your hair's nice.
You are an idiot! - I love how you wear hats - I can see you! I thought my De Niro was solid and you did help that sweaty guy - That sucked, Todd! - That sucked, Todd! - Hi, Cale.
- Hi! You know what? I'm so sick of this.
You guys have to work together.
You know? And when you come up with something great, why don't you let me know? And until then, - just leave me out of it! - That was a terrible De Niro.
Nora, we're ready for you.
Would you like to follow me? OK.
Have fun, Mom! I don't know! This is new for everybody.
Do you know why you've come to see me today, Nora? My girls are worried about me.
They think I'm getting forgetful.
What about you? Do you think you're more forgetful these days? I'm not sure, maybe sometimes.
Well, today, we're going to run a few tests and see where you're at.
- Sound good? - Sounds good.
The first thing I'm going to ask you to do is remember three words.
Rain, house and apple.
- Can you repeat those back to me? - Rain, house, apple.
Great, I'm going to ask you about them later.
Now This circle is meant to be a clock face.
Can you write the numbers on the clock where they belong and then make the time read 10 past 11? 10 past 11 Sure, I can do that.
Dicks! Who would do this to me? I don't know.
I think you look pretty good with a monocle.
How much exercise would you say Mom gets - in an average week? - Five? Can you take this seriously? - I am! - OK.
When she lived with me, she would garden three or four times a week, so that's a decent amount of exercise.
Does she do that at your place? No, because Rhonda does my landscaping.
Last week I had to try and talk her out of building a moat.
You know what? Let's skip this question - and we'll come back to it - Just write down five! Five what? Let them figure it out, Max! OK.
That's a good idea.
Five non-descript something or other size of exercise a week.
Is that my shirt? Sweet Jesus.
Just let it go.
If you've stretched my shirt, then you have to buy me one - of equal or greater value.
- Fine.
- Whatever.
- Good.
You can buy me a gift card if that's easier.
Obviously, this situation isn't ideal, but for Jann's sake, - I'm willing to work with you.
- Sure, Todd.
First thing we should do, Jann writes and records a new album.
It's been 3 years and it's time.
I have a better idea.
I used the traction from the infamous Mercerbashing to a get book deal.
- A book? - It's not so much a book as a bunch of journal entries, pics from her past, stories about other celebrities that she knows.
Sounds way doable.
The deal is so close to being done, but I did hit - a tiny little snag.
- What's that? We need sign-off from the publisher and for some reason the woman hates me.
[LOUD SLURPING] Jann writing a memoir is a no brainer.
And yet, I'm still going to have to think about it.
- And why is that? - Because based on my research, 58% of men and 42% of women believe that Jann Arden - passed away in a boating accident.
- True.
However, 79% of people are more intrigued by celebrities when they're dead.
I could not get a read on this woman! It was like she had all of the answers and couldn't even consider someone else's ideas! Can't even imagine.
I was hoping that maybe you could step in and help me get this deal signed off.
You may be able to get through to her because, you know, you're so non-threatening or whatever.
I'll get her on our side.
I'm very good with people.
I'm a people person.
Anyway, I gotta bounce, I'm late for Reiki.
Let me know if you get this deal signed.
And say "Hi" to Sage for me.
Actually, don't.
I hate her so much.
I think that's deep enough.
I don't how I can be cold and sweating - at the same time.
- It's called hard work.
- Little sweat never hurt anyone.
- Have you learned nothing - about hyperhidrosis? - Yeah, no, I read about it.
Want to pass me the fertilizer? Got to make sure this little guy has the best chance - at developing strong roots.
- You don't say.
- What do you mean? - Is this some sort of plan to make me realize how important it is to go back to school so that I can have the best shot at developing a strong foundation for my life.
I just I just wanted the fertilizer.
Girls, you have two seconds to stop what you're doing or there's no screen time.
That means no watching hands opening up toys on YouTube! [SCREAMING] It's it's a talent.
Nora, do you recall the three words I asked you to remember? I think so House, apple I can't remember the third one.
What does that mean? Do you know what season it is? Of course I do.
It's Fall.
Ans who brought you here today? My daughter? OK, so Has the patient's appetite changed - in the last six months? - No? Are you sure? Yes? Meaning you haven't noticed.
When did you notice something was up? When you found her sitting in your car in her pajamas? Is that what finally tipped you off? OK, once I woke up in a canoe wrapped in a tablecloth and I don't have dementia! I know this because I've never forgotten that sometimes you can be a little bit bitchy.
Oh, that's nice.
What if Mom had a stroke and we just don't know about it? - What do you mean? - Like, sometimes, people that age have little things and If that's the case, maybe we can fix it? Maybe she's just having a strange reaction to her new blood pressure medication.
Some meds don't go with other meds.
- Right.
- That's how I ended up in the canoe in the first place.
Sometimes I just lie in bed at night and I think about Mom.
She's just gotten so small and so frail It's just so weird.
- I feel guilty all the time.
- Why? Because when I had her move in with you, I was just being selfish.
And since then, it just seems like she's gotten worse.
I mean What if I made her worse? What if you did? No, I don't actually think that I made her worse.
- I don't think that.
- OK.
We're here now.
We're just taking the first step and after today we are gonna know - what we're dealing with.
- Yeah.
I didn't mean to say you were bitchy.
Oh, that's OK.
You can't even imagine what I said about you last week.
It was awful.
Thanks again for seeing me on such short no After meeting with your colleague Cale, is it? - That's right.
- I've effectively decided to kill the Jann Arden memoir.
May I ask why? Your friend has a bit of a know-it-all energy.
First thing, she is not my friend.
Go on.
We're not even colleagues.
She injected herself into my life seemingly out of nowhere and now she's literally everywhere! Full disclosure, I'm scared of her.
And she's just so hard to read.
It's like she's made of wood or stone.
I like you, Todd.
- Do you, though? - No.
But I hate her, so I'm gonna green light this memoir and give you the win.
This feels terrible, but I'll take it! I know this may sound scary.
But rest assured, it's better to have all the information that you can.
Nora You do have the early stages of Alzheimer's.
At this point, there are things that we can do to slow the progression.
Unfortunately, there's no way to stop or reverse it.
I'm sorry.
This is what I was scared of.
It's OK, Mom.
Everything is going to be OK.
- OK.
- Um What can we expect in terms of progression? It's different for each patient.
Are you sure she didn't have a stroke? Yes, we have ruled that out.
- Great.
- Um Will I act differently? There will be changes in behaviour, yes.
There will be good days and bad days.
I'll give you a few minutes.
Girls, I have to ask.
Please don't let me become an unkempt old woman.
We would never let that happen to you, not ever.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
I love you both so much.
I'm sorry this is happening.
Us too.
- You know what I think? - What? We deserve some ice cream.
Hell, yeah.
This ice cream tastes like the right decision.
- [LOUD MUSIC] - [HONKING] Sorry, are we not moving fast enough for you? Just get out of the way, ladies! [HONKING] Move! OK.
What did you say? I said: Get your ugly asses out of my way.
- Hold this, Mom.
- Careful, Maxie! Make me move, I dare you! If your huge, pregnant ass dents my car, - I'll sue you! - OK, now I know you're looking for a throw down, mister! Welcome to hell! OK, that did not go the way I wanted it to go.
It's probably best you lay off the ice cream anyways, chubby.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You do not speak to my daughters that way.
Shut your mouth, Grandma! Nobody cares.
Oh, it looks like your little car is gonna need a bath.
And your watch.
Somebody help me! I'm being disrespected by women! Get used to it! You messed with the wrong bitches today, baby.
- Woo! - [LAUGHING] Yeah! Can I get me a little help? - OK, yeah.
- Anyone seeing this? You're an idiot! Good luck with your little penis! Frankie, do it like me, see? It feels squishy but I like it.
- How about we do our butts? - Hey! Looks good.
You're a natural.
Well, no offense, but this isn't rock-et science.
Ha! Ha! That's true.
But you're good at it.
Oh, OK, I get it.
So if I'm not in school, then I should join the family business! Oh, no, I appreciate that, but I'm all crewed up.
But you said I was a natural! Yeah, you also complain every five minutes.
Well, if this wasn't a plan to get me back in school, then what the hell was the point of it? To landscape the back yard! Why are you overthinking this? I guess I just don't really know what I'm doing with my life.
You don't have to decide right now.
You're allowed to take your time.
You're a smart kid.
I just don't want to disappoint anybody.
Your mom and I are not worried about you.
Can you help me do one last thing? OK.
Listen, you can't speak to a pregnant woman like that I think this life lesson will be worth the 15 dollar car wash, don't you? Alright.
Oh, hey.
I just wanted to thank you.
You have no idea how much we needed this today.
My mom had a couple of napkins.
I just thought you could, like, clean your watch off and stuff.
Anyway, thank you so much! So great.
- They're all crazy.
- Bye! I don't want you To go home yet Can you just stay ten more minutes Did you talk to Charley about school? Um-mm.
She's going to be just fine, - she's a good kid.
- I know.
I know, I just worry.
She does want to take a year off, though.
Ugh, really? I guess that's not the end of the world.
Hey, you want to fill me in on today's little ice cream incident? Oh, well, an asshat in a convertible got soft served.
What is with this family and puns? Today was huge.
Closed the book deal.
You gonna be writing a memoir.
It'll be on bookshelves by Christmas! Really? Seems like a lot of work.
While Todd was busy doing that, I booked you a spot on a festival tour.
Burning Woman.
What? It was not easy.
But I'm a people person.
- Wrong.
- I have wanted to play Burning Woman for three years and Todd said I couldn't get it unless I had a new album.
Is it such a crime to want a new Jann Arden album? This is huge, Cale! Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, congrats, Cale.
Well done.
There is just one detail that you might not totally love.
Hmm? The tour is being headlined by Sarah McLachlan.
Noooooooo! - Shame on you! - Did you borrow your daddy's car? Did you borrow your daddy's car? You got one of the worst hairlines I've ever seen! You got a rat on your head? Don't look at me with those bedroom eyes, you handsome son of a bitch! Do you want my number or not? I am cool and wise