Jestination Unknown (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Okay, I want to really
do a survey right now.
Raise your hands if you believe
like Santa-Banta jokes are a big issue.
Raise your hands if you
believe they are a big issue.
If you believe you should laugh
and it's not a big issue,
raise your hands right now.
Is that okay?
Some of you are making calls right now.
Bring hockey, we will meet him outside.
As a comedian, stereotypes are
a dangerous territory for me.
I mean, we always get the laughs.
But, also backlash in fair measure.
Because in India,
everything is funny until it's about you.
We all want to laugh.
But not at ourselves.
Or sometimes the joke just
plain isn't good enough.
I learned this at a very young age.
I heard a joke when I was in class three.
So this one time a Sardar kid is asked
to write an essay on a cricket match.
And because he is a Sardar kid allegedly
he simply wrote
"because of rain, match canceled."
Now is that joke funny?
No?
Do Punjabis get offended by it?
Well
I came to find out.
We began in Patiala.
Why Patiala, you ask?
Because you know what,
screw Chandigarh and Amritsar.
Patiala is the underdog.
It's like the Anil Ambani
of Punjabi cities.
It's not as popular. Not as successful.
But still rich.
Also this is where India's funniest
and most alpha people live.
We had to check it out.
We wanted to make an entrance.
So we didn't do public transport.
We want to go for it.
So we made a chungi entry
like true Patialians.
Punjabi style.
Open top jeep
two of my funny friends
and we went looking for comedy
and cliches.
Chicken, alcohol,
fields,
lassi, butter,
and of course,
the great Santa-Banta jokes.
But hey man, before we did
any of that mission stuff
we had to check into our accommodation.
Welcome to Baradari.
And when you check-in into a hotel
you do check-in stuff.
You check for ventilation,
vastu,
feng shui,
very essential stuff to living in a hotel.
What's up, guys!
Hey!
Where have you been?
I had to plan this.
Plan what?
Breakfast.
Welcome to Patiala, my friends!
Anu Menon.
You are one of my favorite
people in the world.
I love you
and also I am deathly afraid of you.
That's the nicest thing
Vir has ever said to me.
-Amogh!
-Yes.
We've worked together for how
many years now?
-Eight years?
-Yeah.
-We're like
-Husband and wife.
Did you guys smell that?
-Fear?
-Misogyny?
Little bit of both.
But more than that,
I'm talking about
the love of my life.
Butter chicken.
You're seriously going to have
butter chicken for breakfast?
I will have butter chicken
for breakfast, lunch,
dinner and even when I am fasting.
I'll even use it as a
substitute for water.
I love butter chicken.
I know butter chicken.
Wait.
'Coz you're from Bombay,
you're some sort of butter
chicken aficionado, right?'
I live on butter chicken dude.
You realize, I'm from North India?
You don't even have the
right chickens in Bombay.
North Indian chickens are strong.
Have muscles.
Bombay chickens stand
around waiting for an Uber.
Now, we are in Patiala.
First thoughts?
Patiala, make some noise!
That's what we are talking about!
Good to be here.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Amogh. I am from Bombay.
It's my first time in Patiala.
Punjabis are genuinely the happiest people
I have ever come across
in this entire country
and there's two very,
very distinct reasons for it.
Number one, your food.
It doesn't just taste great,
it sounds great.
Right?
There is like poetry in your food.
Sarson da saag
with corn rotis.
Please get some more plates.
It's like, "oho!"
We are here to write jokes on punjabis.
This means we have to do Punjabi things.
What does this have to do
with writing a joke, Vir?
Punjab sends the most
people to the Indian army.
Where is the joke, Vir?
The top ten marksmen in India are from
Do you want to look up a joke online, Vir?
When you fire a gun it
releases pheromones.
Where is the joke, Vir Das?
You know,
Lola would have fired the gun, Anu.
Aww, so hurtful.
No.
20% pay hike.
So my teaching instructor
was this really
like tall, like six foot four
strapping Gurpreet. Okay?
So, he was like, all like
Bicep, triceps.
Quadriceps.
Patialacep, intercep, everything.
So, there was Gurpreet,
married to a Gurpreet,
with a child Gurpreet. Right?
Very professional, right?
So madam,
you hold the gun tight.
Keep your shoulders tight.
Head, tight.
Waist, tight.
I was just hoping he was not tight.
Come to Patiala?
Check.
Shoot guns, double barrel, boom.
Check.
Get professional perspective
on Punjabi humor
from a professor who
professes about
Punjabiness in
Punjabi University.
We're getting there.
Do you believe Indians
have a sense of humor?
Yes.
Do you believe that
comedy is unpatriotic?
No.
Do you believe Sardars
laugh at Sardar jokes?
They do when they themselves
are the authors of those jokes.
Have you read all these books?
No, no.
Who has bought all of these books?
Myself.
What is your understanding
of Punjabi comedy?
Punjabi comedy is actually rooted
in the small towns.
Like the other day I was
speaking to some friends
about the culture of Punds.
Pund?
It's a pair of two persons,
they'll arrive at a wedding.
One of them will be carrying something,
the shape of a kind of slipper.
And making fun of your relatives.
And everybody laughs.
Even the elders laugh.
-It's basically a roast.
-Traditional roast.
-Traditional roast.
-Traditional roast.
I am going to do a show in Patiala
with my two very good friends.
Any advice that you could give us.
Try to mix
the traditional folk Punjabi comedy
with modern themes and style.
We are waiting for a post-modern Pund
to appear somewhere.
Post-modern Pund.
-Yeah
-That's my
If not anything else, that's
my band name from now on.
I'll start a band called
"Post-modern Pund."
Should we be doing jokes about Sardars?
-No.
-No?
I met a professor from Punjabi University,
and I was like sir, do you think
Punjabis have a good sense of humor?
He is like, yes. Best in India.
I was like, should I do
jokes about Punjabis?
He is like fuck no, you'll die.
There is a saying in Patiala.
If you can't find the answer in the city,
look for it in the peg.
I am sorry I said that wrong.
In the PEG!
So, we went drinking.
Okay.
That's kinda rude.
You didn't
You are supposed to go "Burrrrrrah!"
Okay, "tutak-tutak-tutiya."
-Sure.
-Vir, I hate this place.
It's damn dodgy, dude.
We came to Punjab to
research alpha culture.
The most alpha dude in Punjab
hung out at this bar.
His name was Maharaja Bhupinder Singh.
I know, you know who he is.
I read once that, Hitler
The Hitler
gifted him a Maybach.
So, the Hitler?
-Not one of those Made in China Hitlers?
-Neah.
Legit.
-OZ!
-OZ.
Original Nazi.
Alright, Cool.
I know that he owned an airplane
before any Maharaja.
-Like even the Air India dude.
-Yeah, yeah.
So cute, yaar.
You're sharing all this information.
Timid shit. Okay.
Until the end of the century,
it had been the custom of the Maharaja
to appear once a year before his subjects,
naked,
except for his diamond breastplate.
His organ in full and glorious erection.
Right.
And the fact that it was
supposed to be radiating
magic powers
to drive evil spirits from the land.
Confidence, right?
To be able to stand in front
of a village and be like
"Villagers!
This is my thing,
have a taste of it."
Yuck!
Now where did Punjabi comedy come from?
From what we are drinking,
the Patiala peg
Maharaja Bhupinder Singh
invented, said, "Patiala Peg."
-Oh, really?
-Yeah.
Check this out.
The history of the Patiala Peg.
Here we go.
His name was Maharaja Bhupinder Singh,
Punjab's most decorated king,
and Captain of the cricket team,
The Indian XI.
There were two things he loved the most.
Whiskey
and cricket.
One day, upon completing over 200 runs
in a single innings against the British,
he invited his friends over
for a celebratory drink.
You know those guys let him win.
It's obvious.
Chuffed with the world class cricketing,
the Maharaja ordered a round of drinks,
and personally
began pouring the drinks himself.
He simply placed four fingers
across the glass.
When asked about the size of the drink
the Maharaja replied,
"You are in Patiala!"
Nothing short of a
Patiala Peg for the toast.
And that's the history of the Patiala Peg.
-Vir, that was amazing.
-Yep.
It was like I could visualize everything.
-Great!
-Big budget show. Big budget.
How did you memorize all of this?
Like, how do you know this?
'Coz bro
It's on that sign on the wall, actually.
I am just reading that shit.
Okay. So
Day one has come to an end.
We are in Patiala.
We came here to look for comedy.
First thoughts?
What do you think you are writing about?
Go.
Talk about Pund. I think that's a great
-Yes!
-Little
Okay. First we have to establish
is it Pund or Poond?
I think it's Pund.
I think it's Poond.
I don't have an opinion.
Poond sounds more vulgar
and therefore, I think it's Poond.
Your my Pind's Poond.
Pand's Poond.
And after our historical research was done
we got down to some real drinking.
Patiala style.
Like if your sister did Poond
in the village it would be like
Your sister's Poond in the village!
If it was your sister,
-it would be
-"Enda-gonda-Vonda-ponda!"
-You were going to say that. Weren't you?
-No!
You were going to say that.
Take it easy, guys.
Not so fast.
And if it was my sister, it would be,
the Poond in my sister's village.
Why am I listening to you?
-Wait, what do you
-Oh, ho
Oho! The Poond in the village!
-Before we go, with our empty glasses.
-Yeah.
One, two, three!
Burrrrrrah!
You feel like you know
this person could be
a member of my family.
Do you feel that, yes?
Right?
Imagine feeling that way about
every person you ever meet.
That they could be a
member of your family.
I think that's how
Maharaja Bhupinder Singh felt.
I have done some research on Wikipedia.
Am I saying anything wrong?
So, with clarity from the esteem
professor, the next morning
we travel through the Pinds
to learn some Punds.
I love saying that. "Pind, Pund."
So, that one day we could put up our own
Post-modern Pund.
And to help us out we found
Balwinder Bullet & Gurjeet Natha
Hurray! Hurray!
Oh, brother!
Hey! Stay away!
Do you think I'm your brother-in-law?
Why do you keep hugging me?
What are you saying?
-Listen to this phrase.
-Tell me!
-I was away from home for 12 years.
-He was away for 12 years, working.
-I was away from home for 12 years.
-He was away for 12 years, working.
-I brought back a pair of earrings.
-He brought back a pair of earrings.
The gardener will be
here from Chandigarh.
-Useless! Are you reciting a poem?
-Why are you hitting me?
Do you know we have very "big, big, big"
guests coming to the Pund.
-How big are they?
-No.
-They are as tall as us.
-Okay.
But they are extremely famous.
Devdas is coming to the Pund!
-Brother, it's not Devdas!
-Hmm?
It's Vir Das!
Oh, Okay. Vir Das!
Sir, please join us.
-Welcome, welcome.
-No, no. I can't.
Please join us, brother.
-Come on.
-Please come.
Why do you do the Poond?
-Pund or Poond however it's pronounced.
-Yes.
-This art form, the Pund art form
-Hmm.
It's slowly dying.
So we feel that this folk art form
needs to be preserved.
This is why we perform this art form.
Come on!
-Yeah!
-You
Yes!
I
One day
-I
-One day?
-One day!
-Yes?
I was driving my car!
You were driving a car.
And in the middle of the road I saw
a very scary looking peacock.
Then, ask me what I did.
Please ask me.
What did you do, brother?
So then I
I took a turn.
Because it was a turning.
I became a comedian for one reason
because that is the only part of my life,
where I'm not scared when I stand
on the stage to perform.
This is why I became a comedian.
Why did you chose the Pund?
I think when a person performs
he is not just performing
he lets something inside of him, out
as well.
-Art always speaks from the heart.
-True.
Your heart doesn't come under any law,
or doesn't belong to any religion.
There are no restrictions on it.
It has to speak the truth.
Heart always speaks the truth.
So, the artist speaks from the heart.
If you will speak from the heart,
it will definitely offend someone.
-It's not acting. That shit really hurts.
-And?
So?
Then?
Balwinder Bullet.
Yes?
Will you come for my show?
If you invite me, yes.
Please do come for my show.
I can't perform the way you do.
And I don't know if anyone is
coming for my show.
-I will have to promote the show.
-Yes
-I have a suggestion for the promotion.
-Okay.
-First of all, make a song.
-For the show?
Yes, yes!
Punjabi people love music.
So
Please contact DJ Flo.
-Who? DJ Flo?
-What?
-I
-I forgot the name of my friend.
-So, I
-Must be Flowinder.
-So, he
-Some names which are modern
are difficult to pronounce.
I don't remember his name.
So, DJ Flo?
I really wanted to meet this DJ FLO guy.
But before that we had
to finalize the venue.
This is beautiful!
-Isn't it?
-Yeah.
Amogh, I think we should do it here.
Wait, what?
Perform here.
That's right.
This is This is the best
auditorium Patiala has.
And it's actually the newest.
It was built in 2012
and it's named after Shri Harapal Tiwana
who is like the most eminent playwright
to come out of these parts.
How do you know all this?
Wikipedia. Five minutes ago.
So this is the Maharani's Clubhouse.
Where she would watch
cricket matches and do
clubhouse-ey things.
I think this is perfect.
I think we should perform here.
Anu, I'm sorry.
It's really pretentious.
I just can't do that.
Shut up, Vir. There are like
paintings, the jewelery,
there are pretty women in saris.
One out of three ain't bad,
but paintings and jewelery do not
work at a comedy show. I'm sorry.
-What's up?
-Hello.
-Vir.
-Yeah.
I think we should do it here.
Okay. Backstage. I'll be quick.
Quick, I know.
This auditorium, state of the art.
It's the newest one.
Built in 2012,
-named after Shri Harapal Ti-
-Wikipedia.
-Ah!
-Five minutes ago.
I don't like it at all.
This show is about
taking stand-up comedy to
places that have never seen it.
This is not Patiala.
We are not performing in the real Patiala.
This room was meant as a viewing room
so people could come here
and watch people outside.
Why would people come here to watch us
inside?
Also, what if there is
something happening outside?
Like if we are doing a show and
there is a cricket match outside.
People are yelling "Howzat"
in the middle of his punchlines and shit.
Or like, "Sachin! Sachin!"
I don't know.
-So, no.
-No Vir, this is real Patiala.
Harpal Tiwana. Best playwright!
Weren't you listening?
I'm gonna veto it.
I'm sorry no.
Also how do you seat people here?
-Are you comfortable in these things?
-I am actually.
Or maybe it's just my Malayali ass.
I don't know, we're well cushioned.
We will find another seat for your
Malyali
-Derriere!
-Derriere.
Posterior.
-Yes. Your South Indian posterior.
-Oh, thanks.
-What the fuck, man!
-Don't think we should be doing
-Of course, you liked the bar.
-You always like to do everything vague.
-You're the prince of
-Who does a show in a bar?
Bro, I'll buy you butter chicken.
See, I am approaching this all wrong.
I came here to find a venue
that is an embodiment of Punjab
with it's cliches and all.
And the place I wanted is stuck
in every highway in India
A reminder to every Indian about Punjabis
no matter where you are in the country.
Ladies and gentlemen.
A Punjabi Dhaba.
This is authentic Patiala
butter chicken, bro.
This is authentic heart attack on a plate.
Excuse me! Two eggs and toast please.
Vir, why the hell are we here
in the middle of bloody nowhere?
Apparently, for this.
Butter chicken!
-Really, Vir?
-No.
Okay. This is our venue.
You know, Vir.
I very rarely lack words.
And right now, I'm lacking the words.
Feeling the animosity.
Just look around.
Field. Field.
Highway.
Cool Highway.
This is the highway where people drive
from Patiala to Chandigarh everyday.
So there's cool, Gucci,
LV people on this highway
all day long.
Alright, and a Dhaba.
Authentic Patiala venue vibes.
I promise you!
No one has ever done standup comedy at
Sha Sahibjot Vaishnu Dhaba.
For a reason, Vir.
-Why are people going to come here?
-How are people going to come here?
I had an official plan and
so did Balwinder Bullet.
That's what it took.
Two guys, one crazy plan.
The trifecta of Patiala.
It's a three prong strategy
that is infallible,
Where one.
We make a music video.
Two.
We go on Gedi.
Meaning, driving.
And three,
we distribute flyers.
Old School.
I did the Gedi, I went on a Gedi.
Look Gedi cannot happen in Bombay.
It cannot happen in Mumbai,
Right? Because in Mumbai a Gedi
is basically hiring uber pool.
Gedi sucks!
I am sorry. It is a very fun, but
very useless thing to do.
This was good, we came to
Patiala and we found our venue.
But setting up a venue, ha-ha,
that takes a lot of time.
Doesn't matter whether
it's Madison Square Garden,
Indira Gandhi Stadium
or Sahibjot Vaishnu Dhaba.
So look, we had some time to kill
while the venue was being set up.
I still didn't feel like I had the
full Punjabi humor perspective.
So we went to the place to be in Patiala.
A Kitty Party.
Kamla Aunty's Kitty Party to be specific.
Namaste, Aunties.
-Namaste.
-Namaste.
So this gathering of yours
is a Kitty Party?
Yes, this is our Kitty Party.
We meet every month.
-Every month?
-Yes. We eat and play Tambola.
A Kitty Party is a really
strange atmosphere.
Because it starts out polite.
But the minute the food begins,
those aunties
start to drop some swag shit.
So all of you meet once a month?
Yes, once a month.
And what do you talk about
in a Kitty Party?
You know what my mother-in-law did.
What did she do?
-She annoys me.
-Even I want to know.
I also have a mother-in-law.
Everyone has only one.
Do you want to get married in Punjab?
Aunty, I'm already married,
so my wife might get upset
if I get married again.
Are you married?
No, I'm not married yet.
What kind of a girl do you want?
-Funny. She should be funny.
-Funny?
-You want to make her a comedian?
-Yes.
She has to do a show with me.
The three of us are a bit nervous.
Should we joke about the
Punjabi people or not?
No, no don't worry at all.
-You can make fun of them.
-Don't worry.
-Yes?
-Yes.
-Nobody will get angry.
-That's right.
Say whatever you want.
Auntie, can I say something?
I've been to a lot of places in India.
So have both of them.
Yes, there is royalty in Patiala but
there's royalty in Rajasthan as well.
Patiala has the peg but
it's there in other places as well.
But
we haven't seen this in
the rest of the India.
Okay! Kitty Party?
Very good.
So nice of you.
Kitty B.
We haven't seen Kitty B anywhere.
-Punjabi people are very nice.
-Hmm.
People from Patiala are also very nice.
They are very nice people.
Just make sure that you
are honest with them.
-So I should tell the truth?
-Yes.
Then nobody will get angry with you.
Thank You, Auntie.
Kamla Aunty just blew my mind.
So, what have I learnt about
Punjabi comedy from Kamla Auntie?
Well, here goes.
People on Gedis are pretending.
People in rap videos are pretending.
People with guns are pretending.
People who drink pegs are
pretending to be sober.
But if you want real Punjabi comedy
you go to Kamla Auntie's.
Those aunties aren't pretending.
And I think that's what
comedy is about here.
It's about telling the truth.
Patiala make some noise!
That's what we are talking about!
Good to be here in Patiala.
Good to be here.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Amogh.
I am from Bombay.
It's my first time in Patiala.
I've been here for 3 days now.
We've done some very cool shit
while we've been here.
The coolest thing that I
did was that I fired a gun.
Because I am Maharashtrian, right?
Maharashtrian's don't usually fire guns.
There's only two reasons where
we can fire guns.
If we are a cop or if we are a gangster.
Punjabis, you just need to
wait till your fifth birthday.
Everybody does,
everybody listens to music in their cars
or at their home.
but only a true Punjabi
can pull off
blaring music
on a cycle.
Do you know the level
of confidence it takes
to blast Wakhra Swag on a Hero Atlas?
Give yourself a round of
applause Punjabi women.
Best in the country, right?
I came here as a single man.
Looking for love.
I had no idea where to begin.
So I met a few Aunties at a Kitty Party.
Where else to go?
It's like desi Tinder, right?
What is the
thing that I have to do
to meet a Punjabi girl?
And Auntie told me the simplest thing.
It's very easy.
In the evening, go to any field.
Pick a field. Wheat, maize doesn't matter.
Pick any field.
Go in the middle of that field.
Look at the sunset
and from deep within your heart
with all the love and all the feeling
just go "Brrrrrrrrrrruuaahhh!"
While we were here,
we stayed at the Baradari Hotel.
The Baradari Hotel.
You guys are familiar
with the Baradari Palace Hotel? Yes?
Under the hotel it said,
"It's a non-hotel hotel."
What does that mean?
A "non hotel" hotel, is a home.
And they believe in it.
They believe in that line.
Like last night, I went back to the hotel
at two o'clock in the morning,
the watchman was just
waiting for me at the gate.
I walked in and he was like,
"Is this a time to come home?"
"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"
"You smell of alcohol!"
And then the kicker,
"don't try to treat this
place like a hotel!"
But while I've been here,
ladies and gentlemen.
I've realized that Punjabi people,
you guys,
you guys are big people. Right?
Everything in Patiala is big.
But more than anything else
you guys have big hearts.
So thank you so much for having us,
ladies and gentlemen.
We have a great show lined up tonight.
Please keep that round of applause going
and welcome on stage
your next comic for the evening.
Please welcome Anu Menon!
I know what you are thinking.
Hey!
Kangana Ranaut has become fat.
I get it all the time.
And then I check out my bank balance.
Status!
But my friends are very sweet.
They're like,
"Anu, you should be doing movies."
I would love to.
But this Kangana Ranaut
has really monopolized
the curly haired market.
I am willing to do everything
that Kangana Ranaut rejects,
including Hrithik Roshan.
He's not responding to my emails, yaar.
After two drinks my husband always
says I look like Sunny Leone.
Looks like. Not performs like.
He's not that lucky.
He's Gujarati.
You will only get this much.
But I have to say, I am so happy
to be performing in the capital of Punjab!
Toronto!
How much you love your
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Paaji!
He rocks!
Honestly,
such a pleasure to be in Patiala.
Fourth largest city in Punjab
after Chandigarh, Amritsar
and Lovely Professional University.
For this, I went to this shooting range
and I had to shoot these pots.
And I'm like, "Come on."
I am a woman.
I can't shoot the pots.
I'm only used to carrying them.
Anu, one. Feminism, zero.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?
For the man of the hour.
Okay, he's my favorite comedian
and India's favorite comedian.
Please put your hands together
for the very reason you're here.
Mr. Vir Das!
Applause for Anu Menon and Amogh Ranadive!
Come on, let's do that!
Greetings.
It's so good to be in Punjab,
ladies and gentlemen.
Where are my Punjabi people at?
Punjabi!
That's how you identify Punjabis.
They don't need a passport!
You could be in a jungle in Africa.
You yell, "Punjabi!"
Three people out of a bush. "Ah!"
With twenty fake Louis Vuitton suitcases.
My life has changed since I came
to Patiala, ladies and gentlemen.
So I am going to tell you step
by step what I did in Patiala.
You're ready for my story? Yes? Yeah?
-Yes!
-Alright, wonderful!
I went to a Kitty Party.
Who has been to a Kitty Party?
Raise your hands right now.
Ladies, you have been to Kitty Parties?
You have been to Kitty Parties?
See people say India
has no freedom of speech
but Kitty Parties have freedom of speech.
Yes, ladies?
These aunties are saying anything.
And the Kitty Parties have only
aunties, no, only aunties.
No uncles are allowed in a Kitty Party.
No uncles at all.
I think that's why Punjab sends so
many men to the army.
That's their Kitty Party.
But I was doing this Kitty Party and
I met this auntie called Kamla Auntie
and I was very scared, you know,
I am like I have come
to Punjab to do jokes,
should I make them or not?
And she said something
that changed my life.
Ladies and Gentlemen, she said,
"Son, just tell the truth."
If you be honest then
the Punjabi people will
laugh at your jokes.
Punjabi people laugh at the truth.
Can you agree with that, yes?
Yeah?
So tonight, I'll tell the truth.
Only truth. Are you ready, Punjab?
Are you ready for
No, I am going to say the truth.
Are you ready for the truth, Punjab?
Yes or no?
Yes!
First truth.
Gedi sucks.
No!
I am sorry. It is a very fun,
but very useless thing to do.
Firstly, Gedi is like an Air India flight.
There is no concept of time.
From one hour to twenty-five hours,
that is the range.
Right? Now, for those of you who
don't understand the concept of Gedi,
it's like Formula One meets eve teasing.
That's what a Gedi is!
Who invented this?
Whose idea was this?
One guy, "Manjeete,
we will meet chicks today!"
"How will we meet chicks?"
"We will drive."
"Pass them. Full speed."
"We will show our face to them for
one millisecond and then drive away."
So, that's what you do in Gedi,
you drive around trying to pick up chicks.
Right? And auto drivers are looking at
you, "Idiots, we do it everyday
but we make money out of it."
Then you head bob.
You use cool music in Gedi and
You bob your head for six hours.
Then the music goes off but your
head keeps on bobbing.
You go home like this.
People think you're saying
"yes" to random shit, only.
That was the problem with
Manmohan Singh's Government.
Too much head bobbing.
You know people were like,
"Sir, should we steal the money?"
"Yes."
"Should we make Rahul the
party president?" "Yes."
You thought Manmohan Singh was silent?
He wasn't. In his mind
He was on Gedi.
What else did I do in Punjab?
I made a Punjabi track.
Yeah.
I made a Punjabi hip-hop track.
Now, I figured out how
to write a Punjabi song.
Here's what Punjabis like.
You like words and rhymes.
And you like to turn
the words into rhymes.
But you love the rhyme so much,
there's a rhyme, you'll say that twice.
That is a Punjabi song.
Word into rhyme
rhyme, rhyme.
So it's "Daaru-Shaaru."
"Auntie-Shantie."
"Party-Sharty."
"Gedi-Shady."
But also, "Shava-Shava."
"Sharara-Sharara."
What I am trying to say to you is
words and rhymes are best
way to reach these herds.
Do you understand?
And when I went on the Gedi.
They were like, "Sir,
we'll give you an open Jeep."
"Open Jeep."
Have you heard this? Open Jeep?
What is an Open Jeep?
To me, every Jeep is at some level
an open jeep.
What is a closed Jeep?
If you can't get inside the Jeep,
that's not a jeep.
It's just a fucking box.
That's not a jeep.
And you can't get out of the Jeep,
you're not in Punjab, you're in Haryana.
And I'm sorry for you.
Now, I fired a gun
for the first time in my life.
Who has fired a gun,
raise your hands?
If you have fired a gun, raise your hands.
See, the minute you hold a gun
two things happen. Right?
First you go
and then every evil and wrong thought
in your body rises into your brain.
For one second you realize
what a bastard you are!
You know what I mean.
And then boom!
And
You release all that
evil out into the world.
I feel like every Indian should be allowed
to fire a gun at somebody
once in their life.
Every time you have a bad idea.
Modi Ji comes into the room,
"I have an idea, friends."
"Sir, please shoot a bullet first."
Okay.
Boom!
"Demonetization is a bad idea.
I was wrong."
But you give us the top ten
marksmen in India, by the way.
Punjab does that.
Top ten marksmen in India.
But you couldn't get a medal.
I feel like we should get
more medals from the Olympics.
Can you agree with that, you know?
I think the reason is, in the Olympics,
the target is not moving.
I think if you can get an Olympic target
to run for it's life screaming,
"Sorry, Manjeete"
we'll get a gold medal.
And I think you're the
coolest people in India.
I feel like sardars, you know the
manbun. You know the manbun?
Right?
I feel like sardars look at these
hipster fuckers with manbun
and be like, "Amateur."
And you love milk, no?
You have different varieties of milk.
There's plain milk.
There's curd.
There's Lassi. There's Ghee.
There's buttermilk.
You relaunch the cow like it's an iPhone.
Different models. Different shapes.
Different sizes.
But look, the reason I came to Punjab is
I believe that Punjabi people have
the best sense of humor in India.
I really do.
I think you're the
funniest people in India.
This is
Punjab has given us Jaspal Bhatti.
Punjab has given us Khushwant Singh.
Punjab has given us Kapil Sharma.
You know
Like, that is why my
first episode of my show
is in Punjab
because this is where I think
Indian comedy is at it's best.
I met a professor from Punjabi University.
and I was like,
"Sir, do you think Punjabis
have a good sense of humor?"
And he's like,
"Yes!
Best in India."
I was like, "Should I write
jokes about Punjabis?"
He's like, "Fuck no, you'll die".
Because,
nowadays we're getting upset with
jokes in India. Are we not?
Can you agree with that? Yes?
And that's what I like about
Punjabi people, as well.
Is that they will let you finish your joke
and then wait for you outside.
You are gentlemen.
You will murder me outside.
You know. So the last breath I take,
is a fresh breath of air.
And you bring friends!
Happy, Lucky, Sweety,
Kinky, Horny, Kejriwal.
All come for the murder.
So you die surrounded by loved ones.
Even if they aren't your loved ones.
So what I found really, really cool
at this Kitty Party is that
Kamla Auntie on this side and
Manju Auntie on this side.
Right? And I was like,
"Auntie Ji, if people get angry,
what will I do?"
And this is what a Punjabi auntie told me.
She's like
"Don't worry! Tell them my name!"
So, what I'd like to say to you is,
if you're upset with what I did tonight
Manju Auntie's cellphone
number is 9811900566.
I have to say this, ladies and gentlemen
I am very, very happy to be in Punjab.
I really am.
You know, thank you.
Thank, I
Thank you for coming to the middle of
nowhere to see my comedy show.
You're going to go home and
be like, "We saw Vir Das."
"Where?"
"I don't know."
But if you think about this,
here we are,
we are in the middle of nowhere
and at the end of this show
I will drive here,
you will drive there.
So, tonight we are kind of like
on Gedi together, aren't we?
-Yes
-And I think that's beautiful.
-Thank you, bro!
-Thank you, bro.
Thank you so much.
Thank you
Thank you.