Jestination Unknown (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1
And a round of applause for Jodhpur.
I love your city.
My first time here.
What a lovely city!
I feel like you guys created this city
so you could charge white people
500% more for everything.
I wanted to go to Jodhpur because
Jodhpur has kings and royalty.
But where there are kings,
there must be court jesters.
Court jester was the only person
who was allowed to
make jokes on the king
reminding them for a brief moment
that the king was equal to his subjects.
Now speaking of jesters
on this journey I took
Raj Sharma and Ashwin Mushran
to try and get into
the palaces of Jodhpur.
We were here to meet the king.
If not the king, a king.
Any king.
That is not a beer.
And we were super confident that
we were going to get to meet the king.
Except
So, this is as close as we can get.
'Cause the king won't meet us.
We came all the way here.
Like we came all the way
just to meet royalty.
Why would he not want to meet us?
This is my opinion.
If I'm looking around
at the paintings in the room and,
their faces, like this guy
right here doesn't look like
he would have a sense of humor.
It's the size of the palace!
How long, honestly,
do you think it would take
to get from his room to the front door?
Exactly, I think he doesn't
know where the door is.
So, if he wanted to meet us
in his big-ass palace
he doesn't know how to let us in
the front door.
Just imagine if he had to order pizzas.
-Yeah!
-I don't think
That wouldn't happen.
They'd be like, "No Gaj, no.
No more free pizzas.
Cannot do thirty minutes."
Okay, never mind, forget the royals.
Welcome to Jodhpur, boys.
This is the episode.
Raj Sharma,
Ashwin Mushran.
Raj Sharma is American, now in India.
Ashwin Mushran looks
American but is Indian.
I am irrelevant.
-Oh, come on!
-Maybe not, yeah!
So, I am really excited
about this episode.
Let me tell you why.
There is a tradition of royalty and comedy
having historical sex with each other.
Right.
In the non-sex kind of way.
The first time somebody did comedy,
it was to entertain a king.
There were communities
called Behroopias.
They used to entertain the Rajputs.
And so, this episode is for me
to study the relationship
between royalty and comedy
and how you can push that on below.
Can you imagine living in one of those
palaces in Umaid Bhawan?
My God! Like, I'm married, right?
My wife and I, we relish the opportunity
to have a fight every three weeks,
and have a dramatic exit.
You know, where you walk out of the room,
"Fuck you!"
Slam a door!
You couldn't do that in a palace.
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck! I forgot my purse inside."
Now since this is the royal episode
we wanted to make
a royal entrance into Jodhpur.
Like three royal kings
looking like
three douchebags in a rented chariot.
That's what we look like.
So we headed off to Mehrangarh Fort.
557 years old.
125-meter-long walls.
Strong, historical
and according to our
research on the internet
impregnable.
Which means,
cannot be pregnated.
Which means,
you cannot enter the premises.
Open your gates!
We're here from London
to impregnate your fort.
-Namaste.
-Hello.
Khamma Ghani.
Cheerio.
Fair enough.
Who are you?
We're from the East India Company.
No.
No?
I don't want to buy.
You come back tomorrow.
Look, you insolent fool!
Do you not know who I am?
Then, why are you asking?
This is Sir George Clutterbuck
from the moors of Tricklebottom.
Conqueror of the Hindi Kush
and seducer of anorexic goats.
That was one time.
Okay.
I am Sir Guard.
Protector of this wall.
And stroker of the cannons.
And spitter of
spit.
Look, we are here
to impregnate your fort.
-Okay.
-Okay?
It happens all the time.
Raju, get the paperwork.
Why would we need paperwork?
This is an impregnation.
Okay, mother's maiden name?
She's also Mrs. Butterfuck?
-No, it's Clutterbuck!
-Clusterfuck, understood.
Okay, Mr. Shuttlecock.
Have you ever been a member
of a terrorist organization?
How dare you!
We are members of the East India Company
-and we
-So, yes.
Are you carrying any livestock?
No!
Really?
Fine!
One anorexic goat.
Okay, Mr. Hairynuts plus one goat.
Hold for accounts department, please.
I'm done with this impregnation.
I'm off to the Hindu Kush.
Bring my goat!
So, Mehrangarh Fort
is an "impregnable fort."
Why is it that enemies cannot enter it?
That's not true, sir.
Mehrangarh Fort has been captured twice.
So it has been impregnated twice?
Once by the Mughal Emperor Akbar,
and once by Emperor Aurangzeb.
We knew this, obviously.
It's not like we shot a sketch
without any research.
-Only a bunch of morons would do that.
-Yep.
When I speak Hindi,
people stare at me like
I'm a censored European film
before Pahlaj Nihalani got sacked.
But, but
But if I say something like,
"All you slaves are inferior to me."
So yeah, FYI,
Mehrangarh Fort, totally pregnable.
The internet, really unreliable.
But we thought we would
leave the information
to our professional tour guide.
We are standing at the
oldest door of the fort.
There is an interesting story about it.
There was princess from Udaipur
who was the most beautiful lady
in her time in India.
Many kings wanted to marry her
but she got engaged
to the Maharaja of Jodhpur.
So the Maharaja of Jaipur,
Jagat Singh
attacked from
the mountain across using cannons.
So, Jaipur's army was here for six months.
That time there were
less people here for the army.
At that time, there were 13 queens
and all of them came here
and fired back with cannons.
In 1459, when Rao Jodhaji
planned on building this fort,
his pandit, occultist and the astronomer
said to Rao Jodhaji
that before doing
the foundation of this fort
he will have to bury a human being alive.
In fact, a man was buried alive
right under the bench you're sitting on.
-And the fort was built on it.
-Okay!
I went to your fort,
Mehrangarh Fort.
What a fucking place that is!
Do you know there is a dead guy
buried inside Mehrangarh Fort?
Did you know that?
He committed suicide,
so that the fort would have good luck.
And you thought Lodha Builders
were hard to deal with.
Forts are always built
with its security in mind.
And one of the most crucial element is
the fort's doors.
If the door would have been here
then an elephant could
have broken that door.
Because at that time,
they used to get elephants really drunk
and get them to try to
break down the doors of the fort.
Elephants used to run
towards the door from down there
and collide with this wall.
But it's a well-known scientific fact
that a drunk elephant can't take a right.
Oh, okay!
My best part of this tour
was we were with this tour guide.
Very pristine
Rajasthani tour guide, right?
And this is exactly
what he said he is like
So, there was a gate and
the gate is around the corner,
I don't know if you guys know this,
they put the gate on
the right with spikes.
It's not in the front and he's telling us
"The elephants used
to drink before the war,
and when they got drunk,
they couldn't turn right
because of which we put
the gate to the right,
so that the elephant charges dead-on."
And he said that, as if
"The elephants used to drink"
was not the most unusual
part of the sentence.
Were you aware of this, that elephants
have a huge drinking problem?
Somewhere in a bar,
there is a messed-up elephant.
Like with the bartender going,
"Enough, Apu. Enough, okay?"
"Don't fucking tell me enough, okay?
You know who I am?
I am Apu.
I was in the battle of Mehrangarh, okay?
And everyone said that I can't turn right.
I'll tell them,
fucking you hold my bottle.
I'll turn right, right now.
I'll turn right.
And then I was in the battle.
I am connected, okay?
You know Colonel Haathi in Jungle Book?
He is my cousin, okay? Cousin.
He was in Jungle book,
because of me, okay?
I called them up.
'Listen
I have a friend called Haathi.
Right now he is a soldier,
but he will become Colonel one day.
He has the potential.
Give him a movie.'"
Okay, this one's called
Kadak Bijli which means, thunderbolt.
-Kadak Bijli!
-Kadak Bijli!
Lovely!
Here, big cannons were placed
on a fixed stand.
These cannons were so big that sometimes
because of the cannon's sound,
the pregnant ladies in the city
would have miscarriages.
It used to be that loud!
Sir, I know, then when someone fires
a cannon, it leads to pregnancy
I mean
So when this cannon was fired
they would
So, the king had 13 queens
and they went to the top of the roof
and fired the cannons back
and won the war.
There is actually a cannon called
Kadak Bijli.
That's the name of this cannon
and the only thing I can think of is
that 13 queens went up
and there was just one like,
"Fuck these people!"
And then one of the queens looked
up and said "Check her out,
she's like a thunderbolt."
So, we saw the whole fort.
It was amazing.
Anything else to see?
Sir, have you seen the Batman movie?
-Yes, obviously.
-The movie was shot in this fort.
One man.
He survived the pit of hell.
He survived the Joker.
But now
he must face his biggest nemesis.
Language barrier.
Can someone get me to Gotham City?
Gotham City!
Can anybody here help me
get to Gotham City?
Until he meets an old nemesis.
Ladies and gentlemen,
1925 Chevy Superior.
This was royal.
This was different.
This was
still three douchebags just in a car.
See, Rajasthan always make sure you
see their artists and appreciate them.
But have you ever thought
about chilling with them?
You know, as guys
who at the end of the day
just wanna have a couple of beers
and hang out with their friends.
Except you know beer is
too mainstream for Rajasthan.
So they do opium.
The stuff that caused wars.
You know a chilled out, light indulgence.
That was lovely!
Namaste.
So in ancient Rajasthani tradition,
when artists used
to visit from far away,
this was their way of bonding
to channel their creativity.
They used to consume Hafeem
and go into their inner mind.
So, since how many years
have you been doing this?
It's been, 30 years, approximately.
Why do you do this?
Tell me about it.
The thing is, that when a person is tired,
doing this gives him relief.
If you take this and
give it to a 60-year-old man
even he will be like
"Fuck it! I'll cross the border
and go to Pakistan."
Nobody will be able to stop him.
And what do you do for a living?
-What is your job?
-Agriculture.
You do agriculture, all three of you?
-Well, I am a farmer now.
-Okay.
But earlier I was an X-man.
-What?
-X-man?
-I am a retired ex-constable from BSF.
-Okay!
Very nice! Very good!
-Where were you posted in India?
-All over the country.
At the border, I used to enter Pakistan.
-You've been to Pakistan?
-Yes, quite often.
We used cross the border
and go to Pakistan to urinate.
To urinate?
-Because we used to live at the border.
-That's amazing, sir!
So this is very mild.
It's not that strong.
And you use a chillum?
Chillum is the partner.
It's like they're a couple.
So they always have to be together?
Yes, it is compulsory.
Have it, you are the guest!
Don't be shy.
If you have never done drugs
from a 100-year-old wrinkled hand
Yeah, you should try that stuff.
Sir, I can feel some energy
building up inside me.
This also happens to an old man
where he thinks he can
get married right away.
So, it's okay.
But in the morning when
everyone's gathered around
their mood freshens up.
Fresh!
It's like
It's both work and entertainment.
It spreads love.
Every politician in this
world should try Hafeem.
Yes!
-Isn't it?
-So that love spreads.
I love you both
-Yeah, I know.
-in the most non-sexual
but amazing, visceral,
heart-wrenching way I love you both!
I'm cool with the "sexual"
as well right now.
I tried Hafeem.
Has anybody tried Hafeem?
You know, I did drugs once before
for about 10 years, but
Hafeem is a very chilled out drug.
Hafeem doesn't even
sound like a drug,
it sounds like a guy who does drugs.
"Where's Hafeem?"
"Doing drugs."
Hafeem sounds like the most
chilled out member of ISIS ever.
You know, he's not a terrorist
he just goes to Ariana Grande
concerts and booze people.
You know, he gets hostages
and tickles them and shit.
That's Hafeem.
So we went looking for a venue.
We'd heard of a really
cool restaurant called Nirvana.
A place that is apparently
surrounded by Rajasthani art.
We thought it might have a cool vibe.
We walked in and found out
yeah, it wasn't just any Rajasthani art.
It was the Ramayana.
As in "The Ramayana,"
on the walls,
everywhere, on pillars.
Also, yeah,
they serve eggs.
Strange.
That's a temple.
And
this is an egg.
Temple.
Egg.
Table.
Chair.
Uncle Sam, you can't have
eggs inside a temple.
It's not like in America, where in church
you're having wine,
biscuits and shit, okay!
-That's crackers!
-That's racist!
Look around,
we are surrounded by the Ramayana.
We are.
Well, don't look at me.
So, how did this happen?
This is what's strange
about India, right?
We are nervous eating an egg.
So comedically you can't imagine
how nervous we are when it comes
to the Ramayana.
You cannot make fun
of the Ramayana in India.
-You cannot. I know that, yeah.
-Yeah.
Yet, at the same time,
historically, if you look at it,
Rama had a court jester.
Did you know that?
-No!
-Yeah.
Rama had a guy called Suraji.
-And he was a court jester?
-He was his own court jester.
So it's like,
Seinfeld of the Vedas would come and
entertain Rama.
So, one sec,
Rama could sort of make fun of anybody?
Could make fun of anybody.
-And we can't
-We can't make fun of Rama.
And I'm pretty sure the court jester
made fun of Rama at some point, right?
Like, "Hey, what is up with forests?"
Yeah, it's a great joke
because if you were there for 14 years
-you'd make a joke about a forest.
-Yeah, I had no clue.
Do you feel like this works as a venue?
-No!
-See, I don't want to leave Jodhpur
without finding like some connection
between royalty and comedy.
-Sure.
-Cause, look at the
history of our profession.
We were born to entertain the royals.
The first ever comedian was
a court jester who made a king laugh
because when the king laughed,
everybody in the country
-was allowed to laugh.
-Wow!
So, I don't know why these
guys are so afraid.
Like, what's the worst thing
I could do to a king?
Make fun of him, right?
But that's the best
thing you can do to a king.
-Or kill him.
-Well, depends on the king.
I'm not going to kill the king.
You just asked what's the
worst thing you could do?
I told you the worst thing.
This is not Game of Thrones, bro!
Funny food leads to funny conversation
and funny content.
Germans have Bratwurst,
Australians have Vegemite,
Jodhpur has Bati.
That's right, Bati.
This is Dal Bati.
-Okay.
-Traditional Rajasthani dish
which we are here to try.
Followed by cholera.
When the Rajputs would go to war,
like they would bury this in the sand,
go to war and then on the way back
dig it out of the sand and then
have something to eat
on the way back home.
"Oh, make sure my wife gets these."
So, it's like some guy's dying on
the fields of Rajasthan like
"Give Sushma my Bati.
Make sure Sushma
fondles my Bati one last time."
"Sushma fondles my Bati."
That's a great phrase!
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Shake the lemon. Cheers!
-This is amazing!
-Yeah.
Okay, so we should find out
how this is made.
This is Red Wheat.
We mush the Red Wheat,
roll it and make it into a Bati.
Then we make the ashes out of cow dung.
So, this has been cooked inside cow dung?
-Yes, it has been cooked in that.
-Marination.
So, it's kept inside cow dung
for half an hour?
-Yes.
-That's interesting.
-We just ate shit guys.
-Yes, we did.
But but it's good shit.
-Good shit.
-It is good shit.
Do you have a sample?
All right.
Hey, Raj.
You wanted to connect
with India again, right?
-Yep.
-There you go.
Our country's dirt.
-Country's dung!
-Yep.
Your country, your home calls you
Thank you.
I think you guys are tricksters.
I think you guys like to trick
your tourists.
People who come to your city,
you like to trick them.
By waiting to tell them
how Dal Bati is made after
they finish eating.
You guys know how it's made?
Yeah.
Why the fuck would
you tell somebody that
before they eat it?
So, we finally found a place
that could be a venue for our show.
-Of course!
-It will work.
Where would you put the stage?
I think it'd be nice
if we have the stage this side.
You know,
I think it's a really good position.
Yeah?
Also, there is a wall there,
so people can't get away.
-Yeah, you box the audience in.
-Absolutely.
We got music as well?
Oh, yeah! He's the opening band
for tomorrow night.
He could do a Seinfeld type thing, right?
You know, say
And after every note
So
we're doing it tomorrow,
so we have enough time
-to train him as well for that.
-Yeah.
What I like most about it
is that it's got like,
this "king's court" kind of appeal.
Because we are in Jodhpur and
we should also reflect from that.
Like this feels like, you know
the kings would be like on those
fancy thrones and mattresses.
It's got that court jester vibe.
Why don't we flip it and
put all of that on stage,
and let's us be!
-Just all three of us like
-Yeah, yeah!
And the audience will be like
They just never gonna expect it.
-And we'll have somebody feed us grapes.
-There you go.
That's our set for the evening.
But you never know, man.
This could've been
-an actual courtyard where that happened.
-This was a palace?
-And now we're the court jesters.
-Yeah.
I like it.
-Done. Decided?
-All in favor say "Aye."
I am gonna say, yeah, I, me
all of us, yeah.
Okay, initial thoughts on Jodhpur.
As an Indian comedian, the Ramayana
is our greatest and sweetest epic
but it still scares the shit out of us.
I was in a Ramayana restaurant
scared to write a joke.
Do you think cows know
how much we do with their shit?
You know, I promised myself
that I wouldn't do a travel show
and yet, here I am
traveling with an Indian guy
who looks like an American,
and an American guy
who looks like an Indian.
That's gonna happen.
Someone's gonna ride a camel.
But if we're gonna ride one,
you bet your ass we're gonna race them.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Okay, I am gonna win this!
Mushran, I am gaining on your ass.
I am winning.
He won't run?
He won't run?
He's given up!
Leave me here.
Oh! Fuck me!
Okay! I am not going to have
babies after this.
That's it.
This is the last Mushran ever.
You have magnificent forts.
You have fabulous palaces.
And some really cranky
camels which I rode yesterday.
So, that's why I am really
glad I am sitting down
because I actually can't walk.
So we had this camel race
for Vir's travel show
and the whole idea was
the three of us
will race these camels in the desert.
Well, nobody told the
camel we were doing that.
Because I got on
You know what I'm talking about.
But when I got on
he went about three to four yards
before he went
"You know what?
I am really tired, bhenchod."
Rajasthan just welcomes
you with performance art everywhere.
As an artist, I appreciate that.
When you go to Moscow, the ballet
doesn't perform in your hotel room.
When you go to London, you don't
see the philharmonic in the lobby.
But Rajasthan just sends
their artist out to meet people.
And, that's got to be tough as an artist.
These days, I don't wanna do my job.
You know, how does the lady who carries
the flowerpots or the fire-breather feel?
And that's the magic of Rajasthan.
They get to their job.
They smile, they perform,
for everyone, every day.
These people are artists.
I love your music.
I love Rajasthani music.
Clap your hands if
you love Rajasthani music.
My God!
"Welcome to my land."
That's like your guys' "Despacito."
Everywhere you go, it plays.
I mean, the DJ plays it all the time.
And I feel like there's
two types of Rajasthani music.
Right? There is the
actual Rajasthani music.
And then the Rajasthani music you play
for dumbfucks like me.
And that's just one song that you
are extending for 19 hours.
It's always
That's it!
No one improvises with that shit.
We found a royal who's
willing to talk to us!
-Well, that's great.
-I present to you Maharaj Dalip Singh.
-There you go.
-So, the whole mission of this episode
has come together.
You find a royal, just
go with the flow.
So, tomorrow morning we promote the show.
Okay.
-Get some rest boys.
-Yeah.
Where are you guys sleeping?
What do you mean
where we're sleeping?
-Tent.
-Tent.
Oh, that's so adorable!
-You guys are sleeping in tents?
-Where are you sleeping?
I told you
when I got here,
"I am going back to my roots."
Don't your roots involve
murdering people in tents?
You're American.
Oh, my God.
I'm going back to my Indian roots.
I'll sleep on the Khatiya.
You know back in the day
when jesters would perform,
the king would send out town criers
to the center of the city,
to invite his subjects for the show.
The great comedian from America,
Bollywood's transporter
and the king of comedy
Raj Sharma,
Ashwin Mushran
and Vir Das have arrived!
And we tweeted and
Facebooked about the show, just in case.
Tonight, at 8:00 p.m.
at Ranbanka Palace Garden.
These magnificent comedians
will come together
where they will perform
their stand-up comedy act.
Remember how the king
didn't want to meet us?
Turns out, even God didn't want
the king to meet us.
Because on the day
we were supposed to meet the king
and put up our show,
it rained
in the desert.
You know, then we have to have
walkers from the palace,
walk people to the building,
'cause the show is like
an hour and a half away.
So, we have to put people now.
'Cause if it rains again,
then we are fucked.
What percentage?
40% chance of rain.
But that's the thing about Jodhpur.
Even if the king doesn't wanna see you,
the people turn up to do it.
And hey, we're jesters.
We put on a show, no matter what.
Not gonna work.
It's not ideal.
Alright, you won't fit like
We'll have to send some people away.
You get 20-30 people in here.
You can have like
mattresses on the floor.
You can light up each
pillar with a different LED.
Yeah, if we were doing
some Ghazal programme but
But, Raj, why not?
At the end of the day, like,
we came here for a gathering.
-Sure!
-Like, let's do like a
-For the show?
-For the show! Let's do a sitting.
We don't have time to say
"Hey, this doesn't work, that doesn't"
Because
I think the most important
thing to do is to actually put up a show.
Okay, so fine.
Floor seating, no stage.
Nothing, just one guy
over there sitting down.
We'll light up the pillars.
You couldn't build a set like this
if you tried.
I know you're not convinced
but it's what we have.
So, let's try.
I'll go with whatever because yeah,
we'll just do it.
-I'm not sold, but okay.
-Okay, cool.
-That's right. Come on.
-Alright.
Okay, Raj doesn't think
this is a good idea.
Mushran agreed to do this
because there isn't any other option.
And I am confused because I don't
know what this show is going to be like.
But when I came to Jodhpur, I wanted
to live the life of a court jester,
just for this brief fleeting moment.
What did court jesters
do 500 years ago?
They couldn't say no to a king.
They couldn't say no to an audience.
They couldn't pick a venue.
They just went where
they were told to perform.
Much like fire-breathers
and flowerpot dance artists.
So I think I am gonna do just that.
Perform no matter what.
'Cause then and only then,
am I a Jodhpur court jester
for tonight.
Coming up on stage,
Mr. Ashwin Mushran.
My name is Ashwin Mushran.
Hello, everyone.
And I am not a tourist.
But there's one thing I know,
I know my legs are Indian.
Because every time I hear
the national anthem I stand right up.
When I tell someone my name,
I say, "I'm Ashwin."
They go, "Ashwin! Are you adopted?"
And I am like
"Am I a white baby
adopted by brown parents?"
Sure, sure!
I mean that's what happened, yeah.
In a country of
1.2 billion people, two people
decided there wasn't enough choice.
So, they went all the
way to Britain to pick out
a white baby!
And, that's actually a
really clever strategy because
the British, they conquered us.
But now we can get our revenge, yes.
Oh, yes.
Not by military strategy
or by diplomatic pressure.
No!
We will adopt white babies.
Yes.
We will adopt one white baby at a time.
And when I say one, I mean one
because Rahul Gandhi doesn't count.
I just want to welcome
the next comic on stage.
All the way from Los Angeles.
Ladies and gentlemen
please welcome Raj Sharma!
It's good to be here.
I love this city.
I got here the other day, and
I have to say, I love this city.
I know you hear that shit all the time
from people who are coming to this town.
"Love this city! Jodhpur, I love you."
I mean it and I'll tell you why because
I am still here!
Have you ever ridden a camel?
How many people
have ridden a camel in here?
They're not fucking cool at all, right?
They're kind of assholes.
A camel, just to let you know
doesn't have fucks to give.
At all!
It doesn't care what your agenda is.
It doesn't care what you want to do.
When it's done, it is done!
And it just went
And done.
I was like, wouldn't it
be awesome if other people
they could like
If we, as humans, could do that?
Like if somebody is talking
to you about a boring fucking story
"Yeah, so I was with Pushpa,
then we went out the other night"
"You know what? Excuse me."
And he'll just be like
"You could've just said you are done.
That's all it is."
Alright, well thank you guys so much.
That's my time. I am Raj Sharma!
You guys were great.
And, the reason I am on this show,
put your hands together for Vir Das.
When you sit down
on a camel,
and you hit that first
Your testicles have a
conversation with each other.
And then they go inside your body
and they do not come out
until spring time.
And, with every mile you cover
on that camel,
your sperm count goes
lower and lower and lower.
I don't know how Rajasthanis
have a population.
There should be just two of
you with motorcycles. That's it!
When they do look at you,
they turn around and look at you.
You've seen that shit?
They turn around and look at you.
It's really creepy.
Camels look at you like black women
look at you during doggy style.
You know, they just turn around like
"Is that the best you got, motherfucker?"
I feel like they run normally
and they run funny just to fuck with us.
They just go like
"Let's see how long this guy can hold on."
And you can't drive a camel, there is no
technique to drive a camel.
You know, like Jeetu Singh
was trying to drive this damn camel
so to make it go forward it's
To make it go left it's
And right is
And backward is
Like are you driving this
camel or eve-teasing it?
What's happening?
Rajputs are such wonderful people.
You got earrings, and mustaches,
and the funny pants.
You are like hipsters
who learned how to fight.
And I love the mustaches.
My God, Jodhpur!
You have more mustaches
than a '70s porno movie.
Except the men here hold hands,
so it's a '90s porno movie, actually.
And it's a mustache you
can only grow in Jodhpur, right?
There's a mix of dehydration
and sadness in the mustache.
It's turning upwards
like your mustache is trying to run away
from the Dal Bati
you are stuffing inside your mouth.
And I came here looking for
royalty, ladies and gentlemen.
That's why I am here,
that's the mission of my show.
To come here and understand royalty.
Because I think royalty
is very important.
Would you agree, yes?
Royalty reminds us that
we had a history of our own,
rulers of our own, not just the British.
To most Indian young people,
our history is Mohenjo Daro,
the British,
"Jumma Chumma,"
Dhinchak Pooja,
and the beef ban, that's it.
But royalty proves that we had
kings and queens and rulers of our own.
We didn't always import assholes.
We used to manufacture
our own, ladies and gentlemen.
The history of stand-up
comedy began with royalty,
in gatherings like these.
Where one comedian,
a behroopia, or a court jester
would sit down with a few people
and he would make fun of the kings.
And when the king laughed
at what he was saying,
and the people laughed at the same time,
it meant that everybody
in the kingdom was the same.
Everybody was equal.
That's the history of
stand-up comedy in India.
It began in places like Jodhpur,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Vir Das.
Thank you so much for being here
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
There was something so
organic about this gathering.
-Yeah.
-You know what I mean?
Where it felt like you didn't have
to be always on as a comedian.
-Does that make sense?
-Yeah.
You could say something, really real
-and like sit inside a silence.
-Yeah.
And because it was this,
they would stay with you.
In no other environment,
would they've stayed with you.
So, boys,
like the soldiers returned from war
-we have our Bati.
-Yup.
We had a good show.
Well done! Godspeed!
Thank you, man.