Jestination Unknown (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1
It is very good!
It is my first show in Mysore!
Are you happy?
I'm so excited, guys!
Yeah!
What a pleasant surprise this is
for you.
'Cause we actually never
planned to come here.
We were going to go to Bangalore.
It's true.
But then we landed at Bangalore airport
and they were like,
"Look, Mysore is much closer".
So, we just drove here.
Why am I in Mysore? You ask.
Well, because Mysore has
somehow always been around me.
It's a lovely city in South India,
hidden away under the peepal trees
and yet it kept inserting itself
into my life through random objects
no matter where I was in India.
I got the whole idea from
Soap?
You chose Mysore based on soap?
Yeah, it was in my bath.
Mysore Sandal.
So, you spent a lot of money
just because you wanted to have a bath?
Okay, look the point is this.
What do you know about Mysore?
That they make a great dosa?
And soap, apparently.
See, everybody knows about
stuff that is from Mysore.
You don't know anything about Mysore.
I mean, you may be because
Because I'm a South Indian.
So I know everything
South Indian about South India.
Oh! By the way, we have expanded
from four states to five.
Did you know that?
I could learn these things.
These are teachable moments that
By the way, guys, we need
to start a Mysore comedy scene.
It's a virgin market.
We should do it.
For which, I'm going
to write The Mysore joke.
Which is what?
Mysore makes it's own versions of things.
Right? So, Mysore Pak, Mysore dosa,
Mysore Sandalwood.
I want to write like the Mysore joke
that lives in immortality.
Alright, give me an example.
-Yeah.
-One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
I'll work on it.
So, we just got to Mysore.
That's a lie.
We were slightly far away from Mysore
but now we have to dig inside the city.
So apparently, this is one of the oldest
gridded markets in Asia. Right?
So, it's like the world's
first shopping mall.
Right.
'Cause every grid sells
something different.
There's a tour guide who's
supposed to meet us here.
-What's his name being?
-Babu.
-Babu.
-Babu.
-Did you just make that up?
-Babu!
-Yes?
-No, not you. Sorry.
Babu!
Babu!
-Hi, Babu! What's up?
-Namaste, sir.
Welcome to the market!
Welcome, welcome.
-Anu Menon, Manan Desai and I'm Vir.
-Pleased to meet you.
Nice to meet you!
Sir, tell us about this market.
It's fantastic!
So, you are most welcome to see
the best market of this Asian continent
which was built by the Maharaja of Mysore.
If you want to buy the fruit,
-you go to this section.
-Okay.
Banana, you go to that section.
-And there, we have flower section.
-Flowers.
And the betel nuts.
Bana there's coconuts.
Coc-in what?
-Coconut.
-Coconuts! Sorry.
That's a different section.
Sir, we are going
to be playing a game.
Basically, all of us are going to take
-one hundred rupees.
-Yeah.
And we are going to split up.
And we will all buy
one thing from this market.
The rule is, whatever you buy,
it's one hundred bucks 'cause
that's all Amazon could afford.
Whatever you buy, you have to
write about that thing
in the stand-up comedy.
You get a hundred bucks!
You get a hundred bucks!
You get a hundred bucks!
I get a hundred bucks!
You don't get a hundred bucks.
Which of these Mysore vegetables is
the best snack?
60 rupees. And this?
50 rupees.
Because this one is smaller?
And what are you doing with this?
Spray painting?
-Name?
-Pachwada.
Pachwada?
Pachwada as in your ass?
Do you vote for BJP?
My name is Ibu Hatela.
I won't get high on this, right?
My mother is the daughter of a witch.
My father works with a monster.
Will you eat a banana?
Oh, my God!
Everyone's feeding me bananas.
It's good.
If you eat this,
you will have good sleep
and good work at night.
I have to work a lot today.
Work at night means?
It means your companion.
Yeah.
Aphrodisiac?
I got bananas worth 50 bucks
and saved the other 50 bucks.
So Gujarati, right?
But, I got these bananas.
Can I have the bananas?
How many of you know the Rasabele bananas?
Rasabele. Oh, you are correcting
my pronunciation.
"You Gujarati!"
"Don't come to our city
and spoil our language, okay?"
"Go to Delhi."
That is nanjanagud rajabale.
No, sorry.
Rasabale.
Yes, nanjanagud rasabale.
Right?
"Nanjangud rasabale.
That is nanjangud rasabale."
I was like, "What does that do?"
He's like, "Sir, come here."
"Every night,
one glass of milk, two rasabale,
you Baahubali."
What is the name of this mango?
The name of the mango is Senthoora.
Senthoora. Is this from Mysore?
Yes, from Mysore.
-Is it sweet or sour?
-It's sour.
Okay!
What fruit is that?
-This?
-Yes.
It's a Lakshman fruit.
-Lakshman?
-Fruit.
And you don't have the Ram fruit?
Ram fruit isn't in season right now.
Is this sweet?
Yes, sweet and sour.
-Sweet and sour.
-Sour.
So, when I went to this
really silent place in Mysore
called Devraj Market.
I went to the fruit stall,
and there was
Laxman Fal.
So, I bought it.
You know.
Because I like an inferiority complex.
I will help you sell, okay?
I don't have 500 rupees.
Not a lot of girls come to me.
All this Jasmine
It's my wedding night later today.
What is this for?
Black magic.
Black magic?
Mysore mallige maiyella
Hollige
So, if I touch you,
black magic will enter your body?
Really?
Everyone sing!
Mayalla hollige Mysore malli
No? Okay, fine.
Das?
So many things?
Explain this paraphernalia.
Just walked around guys. Yeah.
Did you sleep with somebody?
No, man.
Silencio.
What?
Sure.
Leave this body, demon!
So yes, we came here to do a show
and Anu had some brilliant ideas
about what the venue should be.
I had a secret mission.
I had to get this off my chest.
Alright. Listen, guys, I think it
is time to let you know my plan.
Which is?
I'm gonna steal a piece of sandalwood
and take it back to Bombay.
Why, Vir? Why?
Okay, it's the most expressive
wood that's out there.
I'm guessing a sapling
is worth some bank, right?
But it also creates more saplings, so,
I get agricultural status,
I start a farm,
I'm a millionaire.
Hey, Vir.
You are actually going to be Vir-Appan!
So, we covered a little bit of history,
little bit of culture.
Now it was time to do something
light.
Let's begin.
Scalpel.
You got this.
Small forceps.
Fun fact.
Every ten seconds in Mysore,
a dosa is born.
-She's perfect!
-She's perfect!
Amazing.
Death by dosa!
Oh, my God!
-This is good!
-Yeah!
You know what this needs?
Like
Three pieces of chicken tikka inside.
Bro, I would like a paneer schezwan.
Oh, bro!
So typical, right?
Why don't you enjoy a dosa
with chutney and sambar
and molaga podi like normal people?
Why do you have to
bastardise everything, dude?
Okay firstly,
bastardise is like a really big word.
I know. We are in the South.
And B,
hasn't Mysore technically bastardised
the dosa themselves?
Yeah.
They have added gunpowder
to Mysore Masala Dosa.
Okay, so you just add
gunpowder on top of something
-and automatically it's yours?
-Apparently.
Manan, give me your hand.
One second.
What are you doing with my hand?
Is he Mysore Manan now?
No. Not even Mysore wants Manan.
This is not about me!
Bro, the point is,
this is not always about you.
I take umbrage to the fact that
just because you are South Indian
you are somehow the
world's aficionado on like
dosa and sambar?
Firstly, I really like the word umbrage.
-Thank you.
-Secondly, can you please say "sambar"?
I can call it Susan George if I want to.
As in, Manan where are we going tonight?
I don't know, some bar!
-That's where we are going.
-Really?
What's your great Mysore joke, Vir?
I don't know
because I haven't taken a joke
and added some gunpowder on top of it
therefore, making it a Mysore joke!
You know what? I should have gotten
like two Bihari people on this episode.
-It would've been
-Yeah.
-fucking awesome.
-They would have understood your,
"Yes. Because I'm North Indian,
I'm very proud of it, okay, restaurant?"
Fuck you, guys.
I'm going to eat my dosa over there.
-Okay, toodles!
-Alright, cool.
-I'm gonna eat with these people.
-Cheerio!
-Yeah.
-I don't need this shit.
Yeah, why don't you
try your Bihari over there?
No, I just wanna check!
Do you have a problem
with North Indian people?
Do you have a problem
with North Indian people?
You can't say yes you have a problem
with North Indian people!
What the fuck is going on?
This is an expensive city.
So, we tasted the Mysore
and Mysore Masala Dosa.
With heavy stomachs,
we still had to find a venue for the show.
How is this a venue?
We are at somebody's house!
It's an iconic house, Vir.
It's written there.
R K Narayan's house!
You know who R K Narayan is, right?
R K Narayan is one of India's foremost
and finest English writers.
His brother, R K Lakshman,
was one of India's finest
cartoonists and satirists.
I knew that, obviously.
'Cause you know
it's in the voiceover.
Vir, I love it. I think it's the perfect
venue for our stand-up show.
There's a Padma Vibhushan on the wall.
We cannot do a show here.
Why not? All the more reason!
R K Narayan, R K Lakshman!
Actually, I like the vibe also.
The sound is great. Check this out!
Gunpowder!
Why is that the first thing you think of
and B, we can't do sex jokes
in the Malgudi room!
That will also echo, Manan!
Doggy style!
Vir, you are petty,
peevish, and petulant.
That's alliteration so
I am vetoing this venue violently.
Actually, he's right.
I took a crash course on
R K Narayan from a local expert.
This is 60 seconds of R K Narayan.
What is the difference between
R K Narayan and R K Lakshman?
R K Narayan is novelist.
R K Lakshman is cartoonist.
Is it Lakshman or "Laxman"?
No "Laxman". It is "Lakshman".
Did they both write
about the same thing?
Yeah! R K Narayan created Swami,
and R K Laxman created the
Mr. Citizen, the common man.
Was he as shy as his
subject in real life?
I will tell you one story.
A great author of
India once asked R K Narayan
there were among three
best writers in the world.
Elliot, Hemmingway and R K Narayan.
R K Narayan suddenly said,
"Don't mix their names with me, because
they are not equal to me."
Are you telling the truth?
Sure.
Mummy swear?
Mummy swear!
My favourite thing about
R K Narayan is his name, right.
Because R K's contemporary,
was an author called Mulk Raj Anand.
Have you heard of him, right?
So, Mulk Raj Anand,
had "country" in his name.
Whereas, Rasipuram Krishnaswami
Iyer Narayanaswami
had all the name of the country.
Yeah, that's my favourite joke.
Anu is quite a strong-minded person.
She sometimes has trouble understanding
how democratic decisions are made.
Mysore is literally the
basis of Indian Democracy.
They make the indelible
ink use to ink our fingers
during the voting process in elections.
Time for very quick plot twist,
we drove indelible ink factory to
understand democracy
but the place is shut for outsiders.
No visitors allowed.
But, they had a gift show
so we got the ink anyway.
That was pretty easy.
I'm gonna use it to vote twice.
Okay, Vir.
Just because you have two bottles
of ink does not mean
that you can vote twice.
It's not a thing!
I have the ink.
I'm going to figure
out how to beat it now,
and then vote twice.
It's very easy to beat the ink.
What you do, is that you vote once
First, you cast your vote.
Then, you get your finger inked.
And then,
Dude, that's way too violent.
You need to create a diversion.
So, what you do
So, you create a diversion.
Then, you replace the indelible ink
with some delible
ink that looks the same.
And you and your
accomplice have succeeded.
There's a much simpler way.
So what you do is,
you vote once, and then
First, you cast your vote.
Then, you get your finger inked.
And then you remove your fake finger!
Yeah, but that's totally implausible.
Never gonna happen in India.
It's unrealistic.
Yeah.
Okay, this is not a normal voice over.
These are just random
thoughts in my head.
I said that I was gonna
write a Mysore joke.
I have been here all this while,
I still don't have one.
What is a Mysore joke?
Is it just a joke for people from Mysore?
Then, what's the point for writing it?
Or wait.
Is it like a joke for
people who are not from Mysore?
Now will hear the joke then go to Mysore?
I can do for Mysore what
Yash Chopra did for Switzerland.
Except with like
less can be clothing.
God! This coffee is good!
Why am I drinking coffee?
It's not a good idea to drink coffee.
I need to get some sleep.
What do you call sleep in Mysore?
Mysore Sleep!
So, remember how Anu said
I got all of this from a soap.
Mysore Sandal Soap.
Turns out they don't make
Mysore Sandal Soap in Mysore.
They make it in Bangalore.
But they plant the sandal
wood trees here in Mysore
and they use them to
make things like Agarbattis,
Sandalwood essence,
and other sandalwood products
and trees.
But more importantly
this is where the trees are.
Sandalwood trees!
So, I can execute my grand plan.
Alright. You guys hang tight.
I'm gonna go figure out sandalwood.
Okay.
So, did you know that sandalwood oil
comes from the heart of the stem?
But technically,
it's dead on the inside.
Just like you, Anu.
That would hurt me
if I wasn't dead on the inside.
Hey, did you know
that the Bangalore film
industry is called Sandalwood?
But the real sandalwood is in Mysore.
So, Mysore - 1, Bangalore - 0.
Did you know that an
average sandalwood tree
lives for 80 years?
Sandalwood trees live
longer than Vir-Appan?
That's a good one. That's a good one.
Start the fucking car!
That's right.
Mysore, meet Grootappan.
Grootappan,
meet the people who
turned you into a slave.
Guys, I want you to meet,
Grootappan.
Grootappan is small, local, loyal,
and he's gonna make me rich.
So nice to meet you, Grootappan!
So, do you have any ideas of
where we could possibly perform?
Sorry, what's that?
You have no ideas 'cause
you have run out of options?
Sounds like someone I know.
It's okay, Grootappan.
You don't have to talk
to the scary lady.
You talk to whom you want to talk to.
-Hi, Grootappan!
-Hey!
What's that, Grootappan?
Oh, you don't trust Gujjus?
It's okay, you don't have to.
I'm sorry. He's a little
shy with evil people
the first time around.
You'll have to earn his trust.
Vir-Appan being mean.
So, we still had to find a venue.
One of the places we thought
was good for a venue was the
Mysore Oriental Research Institute,
which is a national library.
What can I say about this library?
If you haven't returned your book here,
your library fine is probably
worth your country's GDP.
And you are probably dead.
Because this stuff is really old
and really valuable.
Manan,
this is what a library looks like.
Yeah, it's just like Porbander.
Every
Never mind!
Guys?
It says here that Tipu Sultan
was from Mysore.
Oh, yeah?
Do you know what Tipu Sultan's
father's name is Haider Ali?
Why did you get all broad
and shit when you said that?
You know what?
Tipu Sultan stabbed
a tiger with his thing?
-What thing?
-Sword.
You know what?
Tipu Sultan gave Sanjay Khan a career.
Yeah! And it also says here,
"Tipu Sultan said
that he would rather be
a lion for one day,
than a jackal for a hundred years."
Anu these books are in English.
That shit is in Sanskrit.
You can't read that shit.
Vir, please.
I grew up in a state that's
a hundred kilometres away.
Okay, I grew up in a house where
we spoke three languages,
all of which are derived from Sanskrit.
So, please don't question
my Sanskrit comprehension powers.
Capiche?
Okay. What are you reading?
"Mother's pregnancy letter."
Dear Tipu,
This is a letter from
a mother to her son.
Tipu you have a younger brother
who was raised in Mysore.
His name was
Tughlaq Bin Mohammed Ul Assad
Ul Tariq Mul The Second.
Let's just call him T2.
He's a gentle soul,
who grew up around books
while you brandished your sword.
This letter is to tell you,
T2 saved your life.
In the third war of Mysore,
when you were surrounded by the British,
he brought
his magnificent spoon and reflected
the ray of the sun in their eyes.
Remember that.
Always.
Wait.
Do we look like white tourists
to you that you can make any shit up?
Fine, Manan.
Don't believe me.
Mysore Oriental Library, right.
It was born in 1891.
And so this library reminded
It was like an old age home for books.
The plant says it
doesn't work as a venue.
Do you want to argue with the plant?
Don't call it a plant call it by
its name. Grootappan.
Grootappan thinks that this
doesn't work as a venue.
We can't do comedy
in a silence zone.
It's like irony high fives itself.
But who's there in the library?
I think it's perfect.
Old knowledge versus new art form.
So, no?
-No.
-No.
Come. Let's go.
But Anu, is this because I said
no to the R K Narayan house?
No, Manan. It's because I'm a woman.
And that's the end of every conversation.
We still have not found a venue.
So for our next venue recce, we
decided to visit the Lalita Mahal palace
owned by the current King of Mysore.
Mysore King.
-Wow!
-Jesus Christ!
Guys!
I love it.
I have always wanted to be a princess.
-It's very sophisticated.
-Isn't it? Yeah.
I feel I could do that.
This is amazing!
Isn't it?
Manan, I think we should perform here.
I think so too.
Yeah, If I figure,
I can't live in a palace.
I should at least be
able to perform in one.
Isn't it?
Not bad.
This is how you start a comedy scene.
-Start big!
-Seriously.
South India's looking
pretty good now, Vir?
Lots of options.
-Vir?
-Where's Vir?
Vir?
And thus, the brave T2 Sultan
brandished his silver spoon
distracting the opponents.
Their army was defeated.
He saved all of his brothers
and the lonely wives in the kingdom.
Did he just
steal my story?
-Yeah, he did. I think he did.
-Lunch is that way
near the gift shop, alright?
Oh, wow!
This is incredible!
Did you just steal my story?
That's history.
This is awesome.
Yeah, so while you were away,
Manan and I decided that
we want to perform here.
-Yeah.
-Your vote doesn't count.
I'm onboard.
Stage over there
I am sorry.
Did you Did you just agree with me?
What, dude? Wha what?
She's bitchy even in agreement!
Okay.
So stage over there,
and audience around?
Yeah, yeah.
And I think the sound is perfect too.
Check this out.
Gunpowder!
Little louder?
Gunpowder!
It's still an echo but, it's pretty.
I love your buildings in Mysore.
I love the architecture.
Mysore buildings are like Delhi aunties.
They're all broken
and old but freshly painted.
So.
Turns out,
that All India Radio had their first
ever radio broadcast in Mysore.
So I was thinking
We should promote
it at the radio station.
Yeah.
That was my idea.
I was just gonna say that.
Will you stop stealing his thunder man?
Good job! Well-done, Manan!
Absolutely!
Okay, you are an RJ
so all radio ideas
are yours automatically?
Alright!
We have Vir Das here with us today!
Hey, Mysore. My name is Vir Das.
Tomorrow I'll be doing
a show in your city
with my friends,
Manan Desai and Anu Menon.
If you would like to come see
our special Mysore comedy show.
Come to the show, Mysore.
It's gonna be awesome.
Mysore. Awesome.
Thank you, sir.
For you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.
-Oh, my God.
-Here we go.
-To the count of three?
-One. Two. Three.
But why is it called Mysore Pak?
Legend has it,
Mysore Pak
was invented in the Wodeyar Palace
in the 17th century.
So, there was this king.
If we don't like this,
we'll have you executed.
Pak.
Is that what it's called?
Sure.
Mysore Pak.
Legit happened.
We researched that shit.
Do you know someone who can get me
hook me up with some
natural drugs over here?
He's like,
"What do you mean by natural drugs?"
Natural drugs are like
you smoke a plant or
you eat a plant whatever you can eat.
It's just like curry leaves.
"What happens if you eat that?"
Nothing, you just get really happy,
you get really high
and you feel like you're
out of space or something.
"No, no, then what happens?"
No, no, you just feel very happy
and then you go to sleep.
"And then here it is. Take it.
Mysore Pak."
Till now, we had eaten Mysore.
Inked Mysore.
Smuggled a bit of Mysore.
Even bathed in a bit of Mysore.
Now, we had to wear it.
Fun fact.
You get the best silk
in India in Mysore.
But it's a very complicated process.
It takes twisting, winding, drying.
You know what,
I am going to sing it to you.
Mysore song.
Silk me
Close your eyes, and silk me
The first thing in the
Factory is the raw silk thread
Little worms are all like,
What the fuck, my mummy is dead!
Then they do some shit called twisting,
And wafting, and soaking
You're twisting, drowned in water,
Then sunburnt, I'm not joking
You're wound around in a
Wheel it's fucking speedy
You're tripping round, and round
Like you smoked some weed
It's like the Gujarati dandiya
With a lot of grinding
They dye each thread,
Smells like you were dead
And oh God, this place sucks
Can we please move on?
It smells like balls
Then they weave it in a saree,
With some real gold zari
And they steam all of it
Like a Nazi sauna party
We're almost at the end,
Each one's hand folded
18 hours later your
Products are good to sell
Because, you
Silked me
You closed your eyes,
And you silked me
-Thanks for all your help, Manan!
-Pardon?
Seriously Vir,
why are we carrying so much silk?
-Sir! Money! Money, sir?
-We are using it in the show.
I am not cross dressing.
Sir, money please.
-Great!
-Yes!
I know, dude!
How is he paying them?
Come, let's go. Here we go!
Three hours to the show
and I still didn't have it.
-Your bill.
-Yes.
1,500.
I have no money. I came to
This is not a voice over.
This is more random thoughts.
I finally have the Mysore joke.
See, all this while Mysore gave it to me
by taking everything away from me.
Mysore is kind of selfish that way.
You know it just takes things.
And by things I mean your money.
It gives you experiences.
You buy things like
food, ink, book, clothes, silk.
But rupee by rupee by rupee by rupee
that's not four rupees.
Mysore takes all of your money.
That's the joke.
I finally have the Mysore joke.
Guys!
I think I have the Mysore joke.
So, these two guys
Don't tell us.
Say it on the stage.
Okay.
So our first comedian on-stage,
all the way from Baroda, please make
a lot of noise for Manan Desai!
Hey, Mysore!
How are you guys doing tonight?
All good, yes?
I love the weather over here.
Welcome, guys!
How many of you are okay with English?
Alright, how many of
you are okay with Hindi?
Alright. Today we are going
to do the show in Gujarati, guys.
Mysore has a different pace.
Mumbai has a very different pace.
It's a very fast paced life.
If you are walking slowly on the road,
they will push you and go ahead.
Now in Mysore, people are very
polite if you are blocking their way.
But polite in an angry way.
That day I was walking at Devraj Market
and I
all I could hear entire time was,
"Side! Side! Side! Side!"
I was like, what the
hell is going on over here?
Like, they are so polite,
they don't even honk!
They just come out
of the car windows like,
"Side! Side! Side! Side!"
The other day I was
trying to please my wife,
trying to find her G-spot.
She was like, "Side! Side! Side! Side!"
Alright, Mysore.
You have been a wonderful audience!
Thank you so very much!
Let's call on stage,
keep the applause going come on,
keep the applause going.
Huge round of applause, Anu Menon!
Round of applause for Anu Menon!
Hello, hello, hello!
My name is Anu Menon.
I know what you are thinking.
"Anu Menon."
"You are part of the show
only because you are a woman."
No.
Anu Menon's part of the show because
Anu Menon is a South Indian.
Because they needed
someone with a degree, right?
Educational qualifications, manners.
There was a great thing.
There was like one sided love story.
It was really cute, okay.
'Cause there was a really
hot chick in the library.
You might have heard of her.
First name Kama, last name Sutra, right?
And she was really into
this very sweet innocent guy,
you know, called the biography of
R K Narayan, okay?
And like, you know Kama!
She's like a fun chick,
you know,
sometimes on top, sometimes below.
Always flexible, yeah.
So, she was trying many
verbal positions with him,
but he wasn't budging.
Cause he's a good boy, yeah.
So she was like,
"R K, I'll put the good in Malgudi days.
Once you're with me R K,
all you will remember is
Rasipuram Krishnaswami
Iyer Narayanaswami.
Mi! Mi! Mi! Mi!"
Now keep the applause going for
the man of the hour, Mr. Vir Das!
I'm going take this tree to Mumbai
and raise him as a free tree.
Yeah!
He is not going to turn into wood,
he is not going to turn into oil,
he's not going to turn into soap.
I am going to free Grootappan.
And when people come to my house,
in the future,
and they're like, "Is that sandalwood?"
I'll be like, "Yes. But this
sandalwood you get only in Mumbai."
'Cause that's the Mysore slogan, right?
"You get this only in Mysore."
Like I had this argument with a guy.
He's like, "Sir, this coconut,
you get only in Mysore."
And at this point, I was angry.
I was like, "Fuck you, bro! I've seen
those coconuts everywhere in India."
And he's like, "No, sir.
This coconut you'll get only in Mysore.
This coconut."
And then I understood
how Mysore plays tricks on you.
They're specific.
If it is in Mysore,
you'll only get it in Mysore.
And it's right. Look at me right now.
I am dizzy because
I breathe too much fresh air.
I've eaten so much shit,
my sexual propensity is up to here.
I've diabetes because of Pak.
This version of me,
you will only get in Mysore.
I am Mysore Das.
Mysore joke will be better
than a Bangalore joke.
Can we agree on that, yeah?
If I wanted to write a Bangalore joke
I'll just write "Royal Challengers"
on a piece of paper.
And by the way, I think that's the
only thing that Bangalore has
that you guys do not have
is their own IPL Team.
And I think some day
you'll have yours too.
The Mysore Sandals.
You'll have a great symbol.
Two chappals on a flag.
And you can incorporate your
own culture into the IPL, right?
Every bat is made of sandalwood.
The players come out
wearing Mysore mallige in the hair.
The commentators think
the mallige is a Sri Lankan.
And if you guys win the tournament
you don't get a trophy
you get the sword of Tipu Sultan back.
Because Tipu Sultan is
the biggest celebrity in Mysore.
Can we agree on that? Yes?
And he is most famous for his sword.
That's all people think
about when they'll think of
Tipu Sultan. His sword.
So, do you know the story
of Tipu Sultan's sword?
Yeah!
Apparently, Tipu and a French man
were walking through the jungle.
And a dangerous tiger pounced onto Tipu.
Tipu did not have enough
time to fire his gun
and therefore had to stab
the tiger with the dagger.
And I think the reason
Tipu did not have time
is because his friend was fucking French.
And he took too long to warn Tipu.
And Tipu did not understand that shit.
He's like sacre bleu.
Monsieur Tipu.
I see a dangerous tiger.
What do you say, bro?
Look ahead, Mr. Tipu!
A dangerous tiger!
You don't even sound French, bro.
What the fuck?
I don't understand.
Look ahead, Mr. Tipu!
A dangerous tiger!
I don't understand you, bro.
Oh, fuck! Okay.
Two words.
First word, "Ti."
You mean a dangerous tig
Oh, bhenchod!
I wanted to write a Mysore joke.
Like you know a traditional joke format.
What is this one joke
that will live in immortality and
encapsulate everything Mysore?
Would you like to hear it? Yeah?
Yeah.
So, here we go.
Here's my Mysore joke.
Two men are sitting on a tree.
One of them is older.
One of them is younger.
The older man pulls out a banana.
This banana looks different
than the younger man has ever seen.
He asks the older man,
"Sir, what is this
banana you are eating?"
He's like,
"This banana is from Mysore.
You only get this banana in Mysore."
Then the older man pulls
out a dosa and stars to eat it.
He's like, "What is that?"
He's like, "This dosa is Mysore Dosa.
You only get this dosa in Mysore."
Then the older man has a sweet dish.
He is like, "Sir, what is that?"
He is like, "This is Mysore Pak.
You only get this sweet dish in Mysore."
After that the man
pulls out some oil and soap
and starts washing his hands
and he's like "Sir, what is that?"
He's like, "This oil and this soap
you only get in Mysore."
Then the man wraps a
silk scarf around his head
and goes to bed and he's like,
"What is that?"
He's like, "This is Mysore silk.
This scarf you will only get in Mysore."
And the younger man is like,
"So, you're from Mysore?"
He's like, "Fuck, no! I am from Patiala."
"Well then, who is from Mysore?"
"That guy is from Mysore."
And the younger man
goes to the third man.
He's like, "So, you're from Mysore?"
He's like, "Yes, I am."
And he says, "But you don't
have any of these things?"
He's like, "Yes.
But, I have that idiot's money."
And that's my Mysore joke.
Stop the car!
-Vir?
-What?
We didn't wanna tell you earlier,
but Groot's actually not sandalwood.
He's just jasmine.
Really?
Yeah.
We were messing with you.
Son of a bitch!