Jestination Unknown (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Captain, My Captain/Kumarakom

You know the history of Kumarakom, right?
Kumarakom is where the king used to
stash all his warrior boats.
They have committed
murder on these waters.
The tagline of Kerala shouldn't be
"God's own country."
It should be
"Shut the fuck up."
So every country has a God.
That's pretty obvious.
But did you know
that God has his own country?
That's where Indians go to relax,
The thing is though
God's own country
hasn't been very relaxing.
They have been through a lot.
And that's why I picked them
for my next episode.
So welcome to Kumarakom, Kerala.
Why Kumarakom?
Because it went through
such a big tragedy
and it bounced back,
like a boss.
So I came to ask the people here,
if there is any place for comedy,
when you've recently experienced tragedy.
I also chose Kerala because it's just
so damn beautiful!
It's God's own country,
the most literate state in India,
palm lined beaches
Perfect escape from
the commotion of our lives.
Is that the VO you are going with?
-Wait, you can hear that?
Okay, hang on.
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Bhenchod who?
No, that's not a
Fuck it, it's fine.
With this journey on me,
I have Rohini Ramanathan.
She has a special connection with
the Indian stand-up comedy scene.
She hosted the very first
open mic in Mumbai.
That's where we're going to be staying?
I also have with me,
legendary Suresh Menon.
Film, television, stand-up, improv,
sketch, mimicry, impressions,
porn, don't tell anyone.
He has finished the
comedy bucket list, twice.
I love it! I love it! I love it!
We have also been doing a bit of boats.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I am from Mumbai.
And I can tell you one thing.
When you are on the
streets of Mumbai, okay.
And if you wanna profess love to somebody,
what do you do?
Okay, you take a bunch of lilies
and you say, "I love you."
But for you guys
lilies are your potholes, guys.
Was it like,
"Oh! No problem just a lily on the road.
No problem at all."
Look, if you come to Kumarakom,
like we did
you have to stay in a houseboat.
It's like going to the South Pole
and not staying in an igloo.
And when you take your friends along,
you could be a gracious host.
Or you could just call dibs
on the biggest room
because you know, you're the host,
and that shit is yours.
The idea didn't sink in
too well with Suresh & Rohini.
Oh! And speaking of sinking
-Hey, Vir!
-Hey! What's up guys?
Why is your room bigger than ours?
What? No, you guys have the
super privileged luxury deluxe.
That's hotel talk for cheap room, Vir.
We are your guests!
I need that room because of vastu.
I'm a big vastu guy.
So my feet have to face northeast,
Gangtok at all times.
-Gangtok is that side.
What a bastard!
But everybody gets same room service!
How can you be married and
living on a fucking houseboat?
You slam the door
You can't have a fight.
You slam the door,
the entire house shakes.
She is like,
"Why are you being so dramatic?
You're the husband,
you're supposed to give me stability.
You can't even give me center of gravity."
To make up from the fight
you start having sex,
the entire neighborhood
knows about it.
Because you create waves
with your fucking sex.
You know people are on other boats,
just going like,
"They are fucking now."
Kerala has a lot of epic food
that isn't just about the beef!
Food that just makes you go
Dig in, guys.
Why is it that when
we're eating tasty food,
we just abandon
all of our good manners?
By virtue of how good the food is.
By the way,
I like to call this segment
South Indians impersonating Punjabis.
My mannered-uncultured friends,
welcome to Jestination Unknown.
-Thank you.
-We are in Kerala.
The show is very, very simple.
We have 72 hours to do everything,
try everything,
eat everything in Kumarakom,
write jokes about this city,
set up a show, drive people to that show.
We're gonna split up this afternoon.
I'm gonna go talk to some fishermen.
See how humorous they are feeling
after the tragedy in their lives.
-You wanted to try
-You wanted to try
-Do research and massages.
Which means you'll receive
Sure! And that's our afternoon.
Any thoughts?
Okay. Go fuck yourself.
I will see you later.
So while Suresh got himself felt up,
and Rohini went looking for some feeling,
I went to meet some superheroes.
What is a superhero?
It's somebody who saves the day.
But the superheroes I was about to meet,
didn't just "save the day."
They saved days, months and years
off of other people's lives.
Kerala's very own superheroes,
the fishermen.
Hello, I am Vir.
Hi, I am Sanu.
Sanu, who is gonna help me translate.
You guys are heroes, you saved a bunch of
people during the floods.
Who's your favorite
person that you saved?
You saved a lot of people in the flood
Sanu is either translating my question
or saying, "This is a big-city asshole."
Saving the livestock,
collecting them all and then carrying
them safely on boat, to the bridge
was one of the best things
we did during the flood.
Like a bridge full of cows?
I bet the government loved that.
The most heartbreaking thing for us
was when the excise officers
searched our houses
to see if we were hiding illicit goods.
They searched our friends' houses as well.
Which you guys weren't because
you were saving people.
We don't need to translate that.
That's fine. It's okay.
Okay, can you teach me to fish?
This is my moment,
it's going to happen!
Not at all.
I understand, trade secrets.
Good for you.
"God's own country!"
It's so illogical, it makes you ask
fucking questions in your own head.
That, what is God's own country?
His own country?
Are there other countries that
God is just casual about?
There are way more Gods
than there are countries.
So are there countries without Gods?
Are there Gods without countries?
Are there just countries that
Gods don't want to touch.
Are multiple Gods up in heaven
looking down going,
"You know what? Fuck Gurgaon!"
Forget a "happy ending."
Suresh wasn't having a happy beginning.
-Is there a girl who gives massages?
-There is no girl, sir.
There's no girl.
Lasith Malinga!
Start from the leg.
Stop, break. No entry.
This area, no entry.
Flight, take the flight.
Coming in to ball from his right arm
over the wicket
with his sling arm action,
and going towards the pitch.
Hey, it's watery.
Be very careful.
Before a show, comedians like to prepare.
Sometimes they will nervously
recite material again and again.
Some comedians smoke
legal things.
Some comedians do air punches.
Some talk to themselves in the mirror.
It's not a pretty sight.
Some Kathakali performers,
on the other hand,
make getting ready for their art form,
even that look like an art.
Side note to Rohini,
great girl but probably not
the greatest Kathakali dancer.
Sir, I believe you can show me
the nine rasas through Kathakali.
That's a pro.
Another pro.
"Lost an iPad."
"Not buying it."
"Have to pay rent."
"Single for life."
"Someone farted."
"This UberPool is crowded."
"I'm so privileged."
You know, I observed on this
trip was Kathakali. Okay.
What a beautiful dance form, man!
Like, Kathakali
You got stories in your dances.
There is so much nuance.
I mean, ladies and gentlemen,
you have to agree with me
because we are in the South.
Only South Indians can
be so layered, right?
I mean, just think about it.
Like Punjabis, right? Punjabis!
The thing with Punjabis is that,
they dance to anything, okay?
There's no stories in their songs.
They dance to cars.
I'll give you an example.
-Sir Lasith
Sir, phone.
Suresh, where are you, bro?
I am doing some research on jokes.
Good on you, bro.
Guys, just meet me at this parish hall.
I am sending you the location.
One second, you took the car and left.
How are we supposed to get there?
Yeah, Suresh is from here.
He'll figure something out.
-Okay, bye!
-Okay, Suresh.
See you in the lobby in five minutes.
Make that 20 minutes please.
Keep it. Thank you.
Not there, sir.
I tried your massages.
That was so much fun, man.
I tried every Kerala massage
and you got five,
which is very impressive.
In Thailand there are only two massages.
One makes you happy,
one makes your wife happy, that's it.
There are no "happy ending" massages
in Kerala, they just end in a book.
Now when looking for
possible venues for the show
I wanted to challenge myself.
What better place to perform
than the humble abode of God?
A place where religion meets comedy.
Except what I didn't expect was
Badminton court inside a church.
That's Jesus plus shuttlecock.
What do you think?
What do I think?
Comedy in a badminton court? Wow!
We can be like the
Padukones of comedy, guys.
There are photos of dead people
on the wall, Vir.
But there is space and lights and
dead people don't care about jokes.
-I don't think
-Let's take a vote.
I don't think this is a
good place for comedy. Yes?
That settles it.
We all agree.
We are not doing comedy here.
Democracy in a communist state
doesn't taste very nice.
We didn't have a venue yet
and we decided not to sin in front of God.
But you know, we still liked sin.
So we decided to sin behind him.
Toddy! Toddy!
I met some fishermen who
refused to teach me to fish.
I was told this is like
"Incredible India."
Everybody is welcoming.
I was like, "Will you teach me to fish?"
And they were like, "Fuck no."
They are not gonna give away
their trade secrets.
Like, why would I teach
you guys to write jokes?
-I see!
-See how I
-Yeah, nice!
Toddy is a very underrated drink.
It has many interesting qualities,
such as
One thing about Toddy.
It never gives you hangover.
Cut to cheesy toddy ad number one.
Cost of toddy: 20 bucks.
Cost of animation: 20 lakhs.
And you come back fresh
as a Kerala banana.
So, I have been in Kumarakom for one day
and I haven't written a single joke.
So my thing about toddy is
that it makes you forget your problems.
Cut to cheesy toddy ad number two.
Toddy alcohol grade: four percent.
Model from Lokhandwala grade: two percent.
See, still don't remember
I have to write jokes.
I don't give a fuck about a hangover.
I wanna get smashed fast,
and this does that.
Cut to cheesy toddy ad number three.
No old ladies were harmed
in the making of this
low grade commercial.
Toddy, the drink for all reasons.
In Mumbai, we have a unique feature of
you know, breath analyzing.
I don't know how it works in Kerala.
I believe Kerala police are very strict.
And you're in jail! Correct?
But in Mumbai,
the police are very respectful.
They ask you to stop,
and they ask your name.
And you're surprised.
"Naav kaay?" in Marathi means
"What's your name?"
And you say, "Suresh."
"Come closer.
What's your name?"
"Come closer."
Then you are almost within
kissing distance.
And you can see pan stain
on his teeth as well.
"30 ml. Okay, let him go."
But with toddy, if I drink toddy
and do the same thing
"You're not drunk. Go.
It's nice."
FYI, toddy gives you a hangover.
Suresh is a fucking liar!
Guys, please focus.
We got stuff to do today.
-Crawl into my bed and throw up?
-No, after that.
You guys have to go and see Nalukettu.
Who is he?
It's not a guy, it's a house.
The problem is
it's way on the other end of town.
I have an idea for a venue which is
on the opposite end of town.
So my idea is that you two
go and see Nalukettu
and I will go and see
the venue.
And we can't really drive
to each other.
So once you are done doing this
and I am done doing this,
we call each other
and after that we meet back.
Where's here?
Here, this houseboat, this chair.
Yeah, maybe.
Do I need to do it again?
-No, no!
-Sure? I can
I call this segment: Revenge!
Oh, God!
How are we going there?
-And what vehicle is that?
-It's a fucking spoon, Suresh.
I have this crazy idea for a venue.
A stand-up comedy show just
requires a mic and an audience.
That's it.
You can perform anywhere.
Now while I was out
on my secret adventure
Rohini and Suresh went to find a venue
on the other side of town.
And it wasn't just any venue.
It was a traditional artist's
traditional house.
But tell me something.
Which comedy club in our country
looks good?
The parliament.
-Great joke!
-Thanks, man.
I guess we have to be here right
in the center and perform.
We should call Vir and
tell him we found a venue?
Before that, shouldn't we call the guy
who owns this house
and tell him that we wanna perform here?
The owner of this house performs
an art form called Chakyar Koothu
in the house.
My name is Pudil Narayana Chakyar.
Sir, can you tell us a little bit
What is this art form called?
Chakyar Koothu.
How many years did you
practice Chakyar Koothu?
I'm 53 years old and I've been
doing this since I was 13.
Does art help us in life when we
face difficulties and upheavals?
Chakyar Koothu and Koodiyattam
does bring happiness
when you go through a sad phase.
So, during tragedies when
you practice this art form
In fact, that stands true for us as well.
It helps you to fight
-Deal with it better.
-Deal with it better.
-Hello, Vir.
-Guys, just come back to the houseboat.
I found a venue.
No, Vir.
We found a really pretty place.
This will make a great venue.
-You'll just love
-Trust me, this is better.
Just come back to the houseboat.
How does he know that?
He hasn't even seen this place.
Should we come to the venue
or to the houseboat?
Come to the houseboat,
I am getting the venue to you.
Where the hell is he?
Yeah, he said he will be here soon.
Yo! Suresh, Rohini!
We are not going to the venue,
the venue is coming to us.
I don't know what it means.
I am saying that this is our venue!
You need me to repeat that shit?
I don't
So that's the idea.
We do the show on the boat.
Are you insane?
Look at this vast space
that can fit 15 people!
40 people on the boat!
What if the boat sinks?
It's not going to sink,
it's not the Titanic.
That's what they said about the Titanic.
After it sank! This will work.
-Hey, can we afford this?
See? It will work.
The more I think about this,
Nalukettu seems like a better idea.
I don't know how we are even
going to promote this show?
Look, man. An old-school way
of promoting a comedy show
is standing on the road
and distributing flyers.
We are comedians from Mumbai.
Suresh Menon.
Your own
homegrown son.
-Sir, will you come to our show?
Okay, come on. Never mind.
You're not?
Then I am not wasting paper.
Give it back.
Thank you.
I don't think this is working.
Yeah, I don't think any of these guys
wanna come see our show.
I have an idea, we need professional help.
My fisherman friends gave
Suresh a speedboat.
Rohini a speedboat.
And they gave me
The adopted child of a boat
What a nice boat, Vir!
-I don't understand.
How do you guys get these fancy boats?
We got these with our super standard room.
But I am guessing you got that
with your master bedroom.
Okay, I'm not gonna wobble,
because my boat is shaky as fuck.
-But it is on.
-It's on.
On 91.9 FM, Radio Nasha
I am your radio queen, Rohini.
Nobody speaks Hindi, it's South India.
Hello! Hello!
Please vote for me!
Suresh Menon is here,
requesting you to vote for him.
It's a comedy show,
not an election!
Come for our comedy show!
Comedy show in Kumarakom!
Stand-up comedy show
with Suresh, Rohini and Vir.
Comedy show!
Is there anything
more endearing than this?
Three artists stuck in a boat,
trying to promote their art form.
With a driver and show paid for by Amazon.
-Suresh Menon!
-Suresh Menon!
The villain from
Bhramaram movie of Mohanlal,
Suresh Menon is here
to do a comedy show.
-Yes, please.
-Stand-up comedy show!
Met some fishermen as well.
Vir sent me two days ago
since I've been here only two days.
And I spoke to them.
So brevity of language,
I realized Malayalis have that.
As I said, either they speak a lot or
they don't speak at all.
So, basically
they will say,
"How many fish did you catch?"
You have to understand, only three.
"How many fish did you catch?"
A lot.
You know how I caught this one?
Because every time during a
vacation, I used to be with my dad
Three brothers, one mother,
one grandmother
went in one straight line in Palakkad,
in the rice fields.
Father's lungi so high,
right up to the thigh
Okay, that's not a good sight.
And he is walking like this.
With us, following behind.
And we see another old man
coming from the other side.
He is also coming like that.
We cross each other and he'll say
Father will say
Then we'd go ahead.
Then I understood what it meant.
That guy says
It means, "Mr. Narayanankutty!
When did you come
with your wife and kids?
Good to see everybody.
Your mother's still alive?
Your children are studying?
Did Harish and Suresh pass
or did they fail?
Very good! Nice to see all of you.
When are you going back?
Did you get a promotion?
Or you're still working there?
You have to write an exam?
It's so sad!
How's Mumbai?
When are you going back?"
Kerala just came back from
a horrible set of circumstances.
But they are known for
their fighting spirit.
And do you know how I know about
Kerala's fighting spirit?
Because they literally have
a traditional art form
that's all about fighting.
I present to you
Big fan.
And what you are looking at
isn't really badass,
it's just a lot of people doing stretches.
What are they doing?
This is damn boring.
I am sure they know
what they are doing.
I need this to be badass,
that's why I came here
to do badass things.
We came here for action.
This is
It was time to challenge them.
Yeah, I am ready for a fight!
-This is dangerous.
-Danger is my middle name.
-I thought it was Saran.
-That too.
Excuse me!
You please send me your best, okay?
The first rule of fight club
is you never talk about fight club.
It is on. It's time for a fight.
With a
A little girl.
Never mind.
I'm about to mess this little girl up.
Let's go.
-That looks unnecessary.
We came here to talk about
comedy and tragedy.
That was pretty tragic.
Actually, funny!
Save "from" Girl Child.
I am so sorry.
"Danger" is his middle name.
Every comedian is nervous
before a comedy show.
Especially if we are going to perform
in front of an intelligent audience,
which Kerala has.
after a tragedy.
When they could really use a laugh.
Hey, some try exercise.
we don't talk about.
First one for the night
is one of Kerala's own!
I want you to keep applauding
till he hits the stage!
Make some noise for Suresh Menon!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
So nice to be back in Kerala.
After such a long time,
thank you so much for having me here.
One thing about us Mallus,
we never shy away from speaking Hindi.
Yes or no?
We are not scared of Hindi.
It's national language.
We will contribute somehow.
One or two words, but we will do it.
"How do I go to Kochi station?"
The Mallu will reply
and there.
So I'm married to a Gujarati, you know.
And one day she was very upset.
She asked me
"Are you gay?"
So I had to explain it to her.
We are Malayalis.
When we talk,
we talk with a lot of passion.
That is, when we talk.
Most of the time, we don't like to talk.
But when we do, we're like
"When I came from there
and I went out there,
then I came here, went there,
saw your brother.
Your brother, your mother,
your father, everybody came down.
Then we went to Gujarat,
then we went to Vadodara.
From there, we went to Ahmedabad."
It's so funny, you know.
I went and saw some, you know
folk performers, especially!
I went there and saw that
this fellow was accompanied
with lots of musical instruments.
Throughout the day, they used to do
How to make it interesting?
I thought I'd play the Mridangam
in the voices of
celebrities, famous personalities.
Sachin Tendulkar.
Saif Ali Khan.
Utter nonsense!
Manmohan Singh.
Let me ask Madam Sonia.
Before I go, let me introduce you all
to yet another Malayali person.
Palakkad Malayali!
Rohini Ramanathan!
Please give her a huge round of applause!
Thank you. A big hand for Suresh Menon,
ladies and gentlemen!
Wow, you look fine!
I love the sari and the styling!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Rohini Ramanathan.
I am an RJ which means
I am looking at my audience
for the first time in my life.
As a Mumbai girl, I look at your roads
and I want to cry.
Because they are so smooth.
The drivers on those roads
not so much.
Every time I am in a car,
I am telling you
the times my head has hit the roof
Actually, it doesn't hit the roof,
it just stays there.
I am like, levitating
Oh, my God! Insane!
That lungi, sir.
Please stop shaking your legs
and trying to be like that.
It's extremely inviting.
Can I tell you that?
If you were sitting this side
I would have totally hit on you.
But I am guessing
I can't.
Because you will get hit.
Yeah? Both of them, is it?
No, the deal with the lungi okay!
It is amazing!
It is such a great piece of cloth, right?
It just wraps around your body.
I am sure it ventilates you and all that.
But when I see a man, you know,
doing that lungi move
Where he is like, yeah.
You guys have seen Basic Instinct?
Yeah, yeah.
It's like the male Sharon Stone, yeah.
And I am just like
"Show me some more!"
Of course that hasn't
happened on this trip as yet.
And now, of course,
I will give it up to
Give the mic up to somebody,
who I deeply admire.
Vir Das, ladies and gentlemen!
Round of applause for Rohini and Suresh.
Come on, let's do that, yeah?
Thank you so much, I will be your
Somali pirate for the evening.
Welcome to my ship, I am the captain now.
Kerala boat racing, another
concept from Kerala
that I just do not fucking understand.
Why do people race boats?
What is the prize?
If you win a boat race,
the only prize is that
you get to stop rowing.
And I was doing that
before the race started.
Have you seen a boat race?
Raise your hands if you have.
Have you seen a boat race, yeah?
It's fucking aggressive.
There's like fifty guys in a row
just cemented to each other.
Just going back and forth and thrusting
and back and forth and rowing
and back and forth and pushing
and back and forth and shoving!
And there is one guy in the middle
just not rowing, really smiling.
You know?
He didn't come here for racing,
he just came for the friction.
He has already won his prize.
Also, you kind of simplified crime,
haven't you, with the houseboat?
You simplified robberies, right?
"Dude, my house got robbed yesterday!"
"What did they take?"
"From the house?"
"No, bhenchod! In the house!"
"What, they took your house?"
"Well, how are you gonna find them?"
"I have a picture."
"Of the robber?"
"No the house, bhenchod."
You think
Agarwal Packers & Movers
are just broke in Kerala?
No business!
They are just calling up people,
"Can we help you move?"
"No we are gonna
We are gonna do it on our own."
I wore a lungi.
That was great.
You know, when I was a kid,
my dad would give me
15 rupees a week, as pocket money.
And the way he would
give it to me was,
he never gave me cash.
Because that would be too easy.
Because I'd spend all of the money.
He made me open a bank account.
Which means every week he would deposit
15 rupees into my bank account.
And if I wanted to access my money
I had to work for it.
So I had to walk down
to State Bank of India,
I had to take a token,
and wait for half an hour
because it's fucking State Bank of India.
And that token
led to going up to a register
where I would sign, and they would
update my checkbook
and then I would take 15 rupees.
And it took about one hour
for me to access my money.
I had to work for it.
And that's how I feel about my dick.
Where I should have to work to access it.
And a lungi makes it too easy.
And I feel like,
the fact that you are able
to reach it and grab it
is too much power.
It's too much power!
Indian men don't deserve that much power.
We've got four inches,
we've got 1.3 billion people.
It's too much power.
Then they were trying to
pitch their shit to me.
They were like,
"Vir, you need to ventilate them."
I am like,
"They are my testicles,
not a vacation home, you know.
I don't need to open them up and
air them out like just once."
Although a vacation home gets used
way more than my testicles.
It is funny because it is true.
My shit is like Bali.
Once a year,
when the weather is good
you can afford it.
I'm kidding, I'd get that shit for free.
No, I'm joking.
I don't even have testicles.
I've been in Bollywood for ten years,
what do you think happened?
I wasn't supposed to share
this much on this show.
Before we leave you,
how about a big round of applause
for our comedians!
Give it up for Suresh Menon!
Give it up for Rohini Ramanathan!
Round of applause, come on up!
I am gonna tell you the real
reason we came to Kumarakom.
We felt this was a place
that needed to laugh.
Because you have been through
something extremely tragic recently.
And there is a close relationship
between tragedy and comedy,
that we wanted to explore.
This ship
signifies both tragedy and comedy.
During the Kerala floods
the barge that you are on tonight
This barge
was used to rescue upwards
a 15,000 people.
They went out to places all over here
that didn't have access to,
relief and roads and
transported them to safety.
And it was Captain Sanal Kumar
and his father who piloted this barge.
what I wanted to let you know is that
there are three comedians
on stage who have told you a lot of jokes.
But the stars of the evening
and the people who are actually
making Kerala laugh tonight
are the captain and his father.
I'd like you to give
them a standing ovation
and a round of applause.
We are gonna vacate the stage
because here are your
stars of the evening.
Captain Sanal Kumar.
Come on up!
I don't have a lot to give
that is meaningful or deep.
The only thing I can give you
as a comedian is
my stage and my audience.
Hopefully that means something.
Because in this moment,
you deserve them way more than I do.
So, that's the end of Kumarakom.
We came here to ask a question.
When you've been through tragedy
is it okay to take part in some comedy?
To have a laugh?
What's the answer?
Well, don't ask me.
Kumarakom just said yes.
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