Jestination Unknown (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1
So, I challenged myself to write
my first ever poem
for Lucknow's audience,
and recite it to you.
I have never written a poem before.
Do you remember the first time you had
sexual relations with someone?
Did you have fun?
That's what's going to happen today.
The only difference is, this poem is
going to last for more than two minutes.
On this Amazon show,
once upon a time,
there was a city of literature
and culture and rhyme
where three comedians
set out to have a good time.
So they ventured out
with a pocketful of luck.
But they began by saying
What the fuck!
Why is there no driver for this thing?
Hey, Driver!
Be quick.
I will kill you, huh!
Never mind her, Vir.
Man, look around you.
It's the city of love.
It's the city of love, man!
But right now, it's the city
of no rickshaw drivers.
Hey! Shut your mouth and be quick.
If you're offended by jokes
about rickshaws
you might want to sue me.
But let's begin this episode
at the famous gate of Rumi.
Lucknow has always been about
love, romance.
Let's talk about that.
Yeah, sure.
But as modern stand-up comedians,
Lucknow is where the history of
Indian stand-up comedy began.
So we're also gonna meet
like old world comedians,
-cause we are new world comedians.
-Old? Okay.
So we're meeting like Hasya Kavi,
Shayars
Explore the roots of stand-up comedy,
and that's something
But that's not all we are doing, right?
Because there's lots more
to Lucknow than just
Yes, we will do lots more to Lucknow.
No, not to Lucknow.
I don't wanna do anything to Lucknow!
-I wanna do things in Lucknow.
-Let's just look at the architecture.
Who the hell made this Rumi gate?
What were they smoking?
Call the head architect!
Greetings, sir!
Greetings, Salim!
Do you know how to make doors?
Sir, I've been making them
since childhood.
Make a beautiful 60 feet tall door
right in the middle of Lucknow.
That will be done, Your Highness.
What do you want around the door?
Nothing.
Where will the door lead to,
Your Highness?
Nowhere.
Pardon me, Your Highness,
what's the purpose of the door?
There's no purpose, bhenchod!
Pardon me.
I'm not able to visualize the door.
Smoke this first.
I see it now.
Very good!
What else do you see?
Chocolate.
Rumi gate
is like Rumi's poetry.
It's incomplete
and I don't understand it.
It looks like they were
building a huge palace
and in the middle
they just went "fuck it!"
Really?
I'll show you something more fun
that's new?
Here, check this out.
See, actually secretly I was really
glad that Shruti got me an e-rickshaw
because my plan of riding an actual
rickshaw was a total failure.
Plus, I kind of felt like
Hero Hiralal in this moment.
It doesn't look it, but those things
are actually very tough to ride.
Especially, in a city like Lucknow
that is as sprawling
and vast and chaotic,
with these narrow lanes
Wait! Did Amit just fall the
fuck out of the rickshaw?
My first thought was
"Is that Amit?"
-Can't he sit properly?
-I know, can't you sit properly?
Because I was like,
if it's Amit, I should stop.
-If it's not, we have some shooting to do.
-Shruti
I was ready to fall,
but not from that rickshaw.
"Ready to fall!"
In my mind I'm thinking,
I'm going to go back and see that shot.
And I guarantee you,
Amit has ignored the safety
regulations of an e-rickshaw.
Of which, there is only one regulation.
"Stay in the fucking rickshaw!"
People in Lucknow are so polite.
And then you guys also have Urdu.
Who can resist the charm of Urdu?
Nobody can!
Except the US embassy.
Now, if there is one group of artists
in Lucknow who know structure and form,
it's Shayar.
So, we went to meet them.
Hello! How are you?
Greetings.
We want to learn about
the history of Shayari.
Shayari is our oldest,
most important tradition.
Amir Khusro is a name that
resonates with Urdu Poetry.
He's the one who fused
Hindi, Awadhi, Urdu, and Persian
to create Shayaris.
From what I know, there are some
technicalities in Shayaris.
Like, the rhyme and the rhythm.
We've only heard about that.
As I mentioned,
the founders of Urdu Poetry,
Aamir Khusro and Quli Qutb Shah
created the format.
They brought respect to the format,
and created rules.
Now in the first line,
you don't need to have
the rhyme and the rhythm.
But in the second line, you'll have
to have the rhyme and the rhythm.
"Neither did I annoy her,
nor did I ill-treat her.
And yet, her uncle cheated me."
"Neither did I annoy her,
nor did I ill-treat her.
And yet, her uncle cheated me."
"Whatever her uncle did,
it's fine, I'll forget it.
But then why did your mother repeat it?"
So, that was some great really
old school Shayari by the professionals.
But how can we modernize that stuff?
Is there like amateur
Shayari for millennial?
-I'll narrate something.
-Please proceed.
Our love
Oh, ho, ho!
Our love has no rules.
No rules and regulations!
Rebel! Rebel! Rebel! Rebel!
Our love has no rules and regulations.
Come on, Twitter baby,
I'll slide into your DM.
Oh!
Well said! Well said!
Social media propagation!
I'll narrate something.
I'll narrate something.
-Please proceed.
-Please proceed.
Protect your complexion from the sun.
-Oh, ho!
-Oho, throw on some sunscreen!
Step out of the scorching heat.
Protect your complexion from the sun.
Step out of the scorching heat.
Wow! Very good!
You fuckers talk so much shit,
remove me from your WhatsApp group.
Well said!
Well said! He used a bad word too!
-Well said!
-Very well said!
I got friend-zoned!
I got friend-zoned!
I got friend-zoned! She used my shoulder!
Oh, body manipulation!
Baby, I'd call you a fridge,
if you were any colder.
Oh, wow!
Your turn.
-Oh, no
-Hey
-Damn you!
-Hey!
He's gotten very emotional.
He got upset, and left.
Oh, ho!
Left us in the garden.
Oh, ho!
He got upset, and left.
Left us in the garden.
That's not a Sher, that's a fact.
Let's go, damn it.
Everybody in Lucknow
has these beautiful houses.
Right?
I got invited to somebody's house,
they said, "Come to our
courtyard in the evening."
See.
See, I'm from Bombay.
To me if your house
is name plus "courtyard,"
that means in the "courtyard"
I get to fuck the name.
My great-grandfather started this.
Then my grandfather
started this in 1905.
These are called Galauti Kebabs.
Mughlai Paratha is made here.
This has secret spices,
herbs, raw papaya, and gram flour.
This name is derived from my
grandfather, who only had one hand.
-He lost it while flying kites.
-I see.
In those days,
people called him "Tunday."
So the kebabs he made
were named "Tunday."
The reason it is called Tunday Kebab
is because there was a King with no teeth.
He told his chef
"You invent kebabs for me to eat."
But he was no ordinary chef.
He had only one arm.
So as a tribute,
we are only eating with one arm.
Okay, I understand now.
What the fuck are you doing?
It was that chef.
This chef made this kebab with two hands.
I'm paying tribute to him.
I think the genuine recipe
for Tunday Kebab is like this.
Put the Tunday kebab mixture in the pan.
The secret is to cook it for
so long that at least five
drops of sweat from your palm
And please remember that
the person who is making the kebab
should not have had a bath
for a least three days.
The dirt from the fingers
should be added as per taste.
I have performed at a
few strange places in my life.
Buses, cruises, strip clubs
but never a battleground.
I thought Lucknow might
be a good place to start.
And nobody has done
stand-up comedy here before.
So what's the catch?
The 1857 siege happened here.
2000 British soldiers died here.
It's a pretty big catch.
But in all fairness that was then.
It's been a while.
Yeah! And you know now
there can be an event here.
And people can go home.
You know, alive.
In fact, Shruti,
I feel like if we don't use this venue,
then the British Win.
Yeah.
You know by using this venue we are
propagating the work of our forefathers.
-Yeah.
-We are doing this for India.
-Yeah!
-We're putting pride
back into these bricks.
-Yeah!
-Inqalab too far. Okay, sorry.
Okay. So basically, the venue is good.
Will stand-up comedy be good enough.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
This is insane.
It's only day one and we have venue.
I wanted to keep the momentum going.
I wanted to finish
off promotion as well.
And you know because you're in Lucknow,
you promote old school.
Everything's going well.
We found a venue, we are crushing it.
Now we're gonna shoot an ad in costumes
for the newspaper. Find the costumes
What does that mean?
People are here for a costume party, man.
Hey, we will shoot an ad
for the paper in the Lucknowi style.
It's Lucknowi!
-Come on, go around.
-Paper?
How Lucknowi are we going?
-Nobody reads the newspaper anymore.
-Nobody?
Get your ass out of Twitter.
India has the largest circulated
newspapers in the world. World!
That's because of our population.
Not because anyone reads
the newspapers anymore.
You know, on the way here,
Amit Tandon punched a beggar.
I didn't do anything to anyone.
I was with you in the car! I
If I put that shit on Twitter,
people will believe me. Alright.
And no newspaper
would publish that shit.
Unless you actually
I don't know.
-Find a costume.
-You're a sick guy, man!
What are you wearing?
Oh! I'm like an old Lucknowi poet.
I'm gonna do poetry.
Dude, you look like
Akbar threw up on Birbal.
You look like you
just graduated from JNU.
Oh!
How about now?
-Now you look like Raja Hindustani.
-Fuck it
-Whoa!
-What are you?
-Take a guess.
-Uh-mm Politician?
You are the assistant district
commissioner of sanitation.
-No.
-Sweet seller?
You're the villain
of a Tigmanshu Dhulia film?
-No man.
-Uh, priest?
You're the Ram-Naam-Sathya-Hai guy
who lost his body because
No, man! I am Devdas.
In search of Paro!
Come, promotional photograph.
Everybody, just take one.
Amit, Devdas was Bengali.
This was the dress.
Hashtag, just saying.
As a North Indian,
Paan has always been my guilty pleasure.
But when you're in Lucknow,
you remove the guilty, man.
And all that's left, is the pleasure.
How do I fold this?
There are a few different
steps for folding this.
Yes! Just show it to me once.
Turn this zaveri leaf the other way.
First do it like this. And
Wow!
This is all decorative work.
What's so special
about the Paan from Lucknow?
Why is it a specialty in Lucknow?
Lucknow's Paan is attached
to Lucknow's culture and history.
-Okay.
-Take this!
When the Nawab Asaf Ud Daula
came here in 1775,
he was known for building monuments that
showcased Mughal architecture,
like the Imambada.
His paan kit was very important to him.
Lucknow's Nawabi Paan
has been famous since then.
You have Paan in your mouth.
And you want to spit it out?
But you can't,
because Swach Bharat Abhiyaan.
If you spit,
you'll get badly trolled on Twitter.
So, I was chilling, man.
Things were going great.
I felt good.
Lucknow managed to give
me everything I asked for.
This episode was going smoothly.
Hello.
What?
Oh, fuck!
Well that's a sight.
You are a big ray of sunshine today, huh!
Hey! Are those our ads?
Yeah, yeah!
-Even in Urdu!
-Yeah, nice.
Ah, Shruti
You didn't put ad in a paper.
You put ad in papers.
Yeah. I put ads in papers.
I got a damn good deal.
-You thought this was a budget issue?
-Wasn't it?
-It's a capacity issue now, actually.
-Oh, wow.
-Yeah.
-Why? Is it too many people?
No.
We took permission from
the ASI for a 50 people show.
Like a sit-down.
Now 200-250 people are coming.
Wow!
So we've lost our venue.
Congratulations!
Hey! Remember how yesterday I had said
things were going extremely well?
Yeah, you should never speak too soon.
Now, we went to a lot
of places looking for a venue.
Some were okay.
Some had gigantic rangolis on the ground
which isn't really comedy friendly.
And we felt we were losing
hope until we found the Safed Baradari.
A beautifully white and gold venue
in the middle of the city.
Wow!
What do you guys think?
This is nice.
It's the kind of a place
that would inspire a lot
of poetry and love stories.
I've to admit, it's perfect.
What's the catch?
Nothing.
I spoke to the owner.
He said it can take about 250 people
and we just need to
bring our own equipment.
How did you find this place?
You know it turns out that
Lucknowis happen to be on Twitter.
So I did a Twitter poll, found a place,
checked out the photos on Instagram,
sent you guys a message on WhatsApp,
and here we are.
So you used new world
technology to find this place
that wouldn't exist unless
there was old world Lucknow.
-I'm just putting it out there.
-Oh, well
Guys.
Tell me if you think I'm crazy.
You're crazy.
I'm thinking of doing
my whole set in poetry.
Nice.
Great idea. Unless I have to write.
But I think it will be a cool
tribute to the people of Lucknow
to do a poetry stand-up set.
-Yeah.
-We can do that. Definitely.
Yeah?
We can do that.
But right now,
we have advertised another venue.
How do we tell people that
the venue has been changed?
Yes.
Guys.
I've got it handled.
Chill.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Wow, man.
This is fantastic.
-Lucknowi style. You like it?
-This is nice
-Yeah, VD at Baradari?
-Yeah.
Vir Das.
Fuck you. Shut up.
It says venereal disease at Baradari.
Venereal disease.
You have a sick mind, you know?
You think I should put it on Twitter?
Yes, put VD at Baradari on Twitter
Seriously, bro.
You guys are assholes.
We still had a lot
to learn from Lucknow.
The Shayars taught
us structure and rhyme.
But someone had to
teach us the jokes, right?
So, we went and met the Hasya Kavis.
The biggest experts in Hindi comedy.
And they were kind enough to help us
In 3
2
1
0.5
0.25
0.5
I am bad at maths.
Zero.
Sir, I'm Vir Das.
This is Shruti Seth, this is Amit.
We are comedians from Bombay.
According to me,
the stand-up comedy we do, in English,
it's not anything great.
It's a new art form.
However, I think, Indian
stand-up comedy started
right here from the Hasya Kavi art form
and, it's started in Lucknow.
I'd like to play a game with all of you.
Every now and then,
when my wife yells at me,
I always think about how
I can write jokes about it.
Yes.
So, for this game,
I'm your wife or husband.
I'll say a line, you do a comeback.
Whatever you come up with.
You didn't bring me any
groceries from the market.
You only know how to yell.
Had you given me money,
I would've brought!
Wow! Well said!
You've left your towel on your bed,
yet again.
You've entirely changed the topic!
I keep telling you everyday,
latch the door in your bathroom.
Why, what's left to hide?
Well said!
Well said! You went dark there!
So, sir, on that note,
I'd love to narrate something.
Is that okay? I'll keep it short.
We're so grateful you met us.
But we need to be aware of the time.
Wow! Well said!
We're so grateful you met us.
But we need to be aware of the time.
Wow! Well said!
Come, let's go, guys.
We've got to do the rest of the episode!
Goodbye.
You know, we met some Kavis and Shayars.
A big difference between
poetry and Shayari.
Whatever the Kavis write,
it is for the society.
Society's pain mixed with
a little bit of personal pain.
Right up front they say,
"I want to recite these four lines
on Mother India.
And if you are a true patriot,
your thunderous clap
should reach Pakistan."
And I am like your
poem should also be good!
The legacy of Hasya Kavis
has instilled in me fear.
What am I to do with
my English comedy career?
For now my stomach has
bigger things to digest.
Have we experienced
all of Lucknow's finest?
And if I were to write
my whole routine in rhyme
would I be arrested cause
here that shit is a crime?
What rhymes with Tunday?
-Gunday
-Gunday, Kunday, Munday
Some Munday came in a Hyundai
and ate in at Tunday.
Do you have any thoughts? Writing?
Mine started from somewhere else.
I was thinking a little bit of romance
Paris of
You're being emotional.
-No, I mean I am
-It is no way in Paris.
When Amit becomes romantic,
his shoulders rise a bit.
Darling, let's make love.
Come, let's get in my bed.
He always raises his shoulders.
That's how he
How much romance have you seen in me?
The only thing you've
been romancing is the floor
because you don't like rickshaws.
You've been getting divorced
with rickshaws anyway.
No, after that my heart broke.
So, I am writing
I am basically talking about
my first impressions of Lucknow.
And how with it's Tehzeeb,
Nazaakat and Nafaasat
they speak the worst
thing in a poetic way.
Hey mister, you're an asshole.
I think the only thing
that I have noticed is that
they have modernized everything.
But there is one thing
which hasn't changed.
-And that is Tunday Kebab.
-Yeah.
I think the flavor of
the sweat has changed a little.
-Because they have to cook
-Really?
Because this Tunday Kebab
has a bit of Axe.
There's a bit of Old Spice.
Not the old Old Spice,
the new one.
I am writing about the fact that
since I've been here
at least ten people have said,
"Smile because you are in Lucknow."
Why?
-So that's gonna be
-But why shall we smile?
You remember? The
It's going to be in my poetry.
I think that might be the chorus.
Smile because you are in Lucknow.
Tehzeeb
Nafasat
Nazakat.
These are words that I couldn't
have pulled out of my butt.
And only two people could have
helped us out with our questions.
They were the Nawab.
And the professor.
Greetings.
What does it take to be a Lucknowi?
See, to be Lucknowi, your mannerisms,
your body language,
the way you walk, and talk.
Lucknowi people are
recognized differently.
What attire do I need
to be seen as Lucknowi?
As per your dress code,
chikankaari is important to us.
If you dress up in the correct attire,
say a few beautiful words,
anybody would know you're Lucknowi.
Will you teach how to properly "aadab"?
Aadab!
That's the Lucknowi greeting.
So, Sir,
can the three of us be Lucknowi?
Absolutely not.
Maybe never!
I expected that.
But there's no harm in trying.
So, do try!
Thank you.
So, kind of a downer.
We were told we could
never be Lucknowi.
Hey, may be we could
try smelling Lucknowi.
And may be the famous
ittar-walas of Lucknow,
could help us out.
How is ittar made, sir?
We can extract fragrance form the mud
like embedding memories in photographs.
Wow, sir!
-Well said.
-Wow, sir!
Sir, can I taste
the one made out of mud?
Absolutely, you can smell it.
You don't taste, you smell.
Alright
Ooh!
When the fist drop
of rain hits the soil,
the aroma it creates,
it's so unique.
The rains in Bombay smells
more like a dead person,
maybe some rotten vada pav,
some garbage as well.
Which is the most expensive one?
The most expensive
one is made out of wood.
Wood?
One's out of sandalwood,
and the other a wood called, "Oodh."
Sir, can we smell it? The "Oodh" one?
Sure.
That's the question, right?
How much "oodh" would a wood
with a
-I'm sorry, I apologize.
-Yeah.
This thing is worth
30,000 rupees for 10 grams.
30,000 rupees?
That's cocaine man.
This cocaine
No, sir! I was just guessing!
I would have no idea, sir!
Cocaine takes away your senses.
This enlightens your senses.
There's a vast difference between the two.
Sir, I would definitely not know.
Shruti told me this
right outside your store.
About cocaine?
No, just show some respect.
So basically ittar
can be made from anything.
It cannot be made from anything.
You understand?
Human beings are attracted
to only certain fragrances.
Sir, I have a great idea.
-What?
-So
Eau De Fleur!
Eau De Jasmine!
Eau De Kebab!
Eau De Kebab!
We smelled like Lucknowis.
We wrote verse like Lucknowis.
We digested food
like Bombay-ites
who were eating like Lucknowis.
Will the people of Lucknow like us
if we put all of this knowledge
and experience together?
Let's see.
Hello, Lucknow!
Well, it's great to be here.
I'm Shruti Seth.
I'm sure you guys
vaguely know who I am, right?
Like kind of trying to place me,
recognize
"I've seen her somewhere."
And then one guy came in. He said
"Shruti Ji
Can we click a selfie with you?"
So I was like "Sure."
So, he takes my phone
takes the selfie
and gives it back and says,
"You're welcome."
You can say anything to me in Urdu and
I wouldn't mind.
Mostly because I won't
understand what you're saying but
it all always sounds like a compliment.
Like in Bombay, people are like
"This girl is annoyingly talkative."
But in Lucknow they're like,
"The lady runneth's her
that from where she speaks."
After Guftagoo I don't
understand what's going on.
You can say anything. You can be like
"You're a witch, Guftagoo!"
So I know I have come first on stage
but now it's time
to invite Amit on stage.
Please give a huge round
of applause for Amit Tandon.
Thank you, Lucknow.
Let me tell you more about myself.
Amit Tandon.
Produced by mother, directed by wife.
You can see the difference
between the nawabi culture
and what we do today.
I'll give you an example. In our time,
tourism means you go
to some place and see it.
Right?
Like if you want to see Eiffel tower,
you decide to go to France.
In the era of Nawabs
it didn't happen like that.
They used to get it made here.
"We won't go anywhere."
And Rumi Darwaza is so awesome.
The three of us went there.
It had three openings
and I didn't understand that.
One is for the incoming traffic and
the middle one is for someone
who wants to ask for directions?
I think if you look inside
you will find a charging point
for e-Rickshaw, inside Rumi Darwaza.
Then we went to this other
place called Residency.
And if there is any ancient building
we Indians have a moral obligation
to write something on it.
Vandalism is our moral duty.
And many people have written there.
But then I saw on a wall,
fifteen feet above the ground,
about this height,
"VICKY LOVES ROMA"
was written there.
And this is my theory.
I think what happens is
Vicky never gets married to Roma.
Vicky has a family.
And by mistake one
day he takes the family
and goes there for a picnic.
And he's just playing
Frisbee with his kids.
And his wife looks up and she's like
"Listen
Who is Roma?"
"How do I know?"
"It's written out there."
"It could be any Vicky."
"I know your handwriting."
So that's the end of my set.
Are you ready for the
main act of the evening?
With a huge round of applause
please welcome on stage Vir Das.
I am screwed.
-It has been said
-Proceed
This hope is a small one.
One to write a poem.
This hope is a small one,
one to write a poem.
Sitting with plenty of doubt.
Has been quite some time.
Because your Lucknow,
and mine, are different.
The world is drowning in love for Lucknow.
Some things we tried nonetheless,
Those experiences we wish to tell.
Because if I don't, Amazon will ask,
"Why?"
We saw your Rumi Gate.
The one which the architect
must have contemplated a lot on.
The gate's been built,
but it goes nowhere
Empty from the inside,
Like Modi's chest.
Everywhere you look,
there are old buildings.
Who makes them and when,
no one knows.
Graffiti and paan stains
cover every building.
Rocky loves Sweety.
Salman with gun.
If Rumi ever saw this,
he would be terrified.
If he ever tried to stop it,
he would die in traffic.
This hope is a small one.
One to write a poem.
Sitting with plenty of doubt.
Has been quite some time.
We had your Tunday Kebabs.
Oh ho, clap for Tunday kebab.
We had your Tunday Kebabs.
Poop-like in texture.
Amazing in taste.
Called Tunday because
the cook has one hand.
A lot can happen with one hand,
what's the big deal in that.
One hand is enough for a pen,
a sword, or a hammer.
I'm not the one who's saying
you have to use your dick with one hand
You understand what I'm saying?
This hope is a small one.
One to write a poem.
Sitting with plenty of doubt.
Has been
-quite some time.
-Quite some time.
And here we have come
to make you understand.
Brother, what is India,
what would we know?
What it is to be an Indian,
we have no clue.
Wearing a tri-color t-shirt,
using Instagram filters,
doesn't make you a patriot.
A tweet on twitter.
A win for idiocy.
Every news.
Every broadcast.
The defeat of truth.
Common sense has drowned.
We don't know what's true or false.
This is India's loss.
This hope is a small one.
One to write a poem.
But the people are many.
Mannerisms are the same.
Drink a lot of tea.
Call every hero a brother.
As soon as they see a politician on TV
in their homes they go, "Hay, hay"
Don't give respect to women.
We think of women as objects.
We should be eating slaps.
But we are eating parathas.
Now I'll go home.
And after a while
I'll remember you guys in Mumbai.
And Lucknow's perfume
shall run through my veins.
And Lucknow's etiquette
shall awaken in my heart.
And in the same flow
I'll do my show
and tell myself on-stage
"Smile, because you are in Lucknow."
This hope is a small one.
Has been quite some time.
We couldn't write a joke,
therefore we wrote a poem.
Great work, Vir! Great work!
Awesome job, man!
Aw, that's gross! Yuck!
Bastard!