Joe vs. Carole (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

Unwanted Animals

1 Hello.
Carole Baskin? I'm Carole Baskin.
Well, we've never had a visit from Fish and Wildlife before, 'cause our sanctuary has a perfect record.
I'm sure whatever it is, we'll be able to sort it out.
Uh, can I offer you something? I'll take a coffee.
What, I can't ask for a coffee? It's not about your sanctuary.
Oh, okay.
- Phew.
- We have reason to believe a hitman has been hired to murder you.
Wh what? Does the name Joseph Maldonado-Passage mean anything to you? Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
- Mm-hmm.
Joe hired a hitman? Yes.
Joe can afford a hitman? Mrs.
Baskin, do you know why Mr.
Maldonado-Passage would engage a murder-for-hire? Yes.
He is a psychopath who wishes me dead.
We've been in an ongoing dispute with Joe.
Has he been charged? We hope to have enough evidence to charge him soon.
And, um, where is the hitman? We can't locate him at the moment.
You lost the hitman? Last we heard, he was leaving Oklahoma.
And where was he going? Here.
Here? Well, I I'm sorry.
I understand this must be very hard for you.
What? Oh, no, sorry, I just didn't take my medication yet today.
I'm I'm allergic to cats.
So I I assume that you two are here to guard the house, then.
That's not really something we do at the Fish and Wildlife Service.
Well, what's the plan? We recommend you take precautions.
I don't I don't understand.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
So what you're saying is that someone is currently on their way here to murder me, and there's nothing you can do about it? We thought you should know.
We need one for the car.
Two for the bedroom.
Like his and hers.
What kind of firearms are you looking for? I don't know.
I don't know anything about guns.
We need something that will stop a hitman in his tracks.
Well, it doesn't get any more reliable than a Glock.
- Reliable's good.
- Okay.
- How's that feel? - I don't I also have a .
357 Magnum that I think you might like.
Go ahead.
You all right? Yeah, I'm good.
No one's gonna hurt us, Carole.
He ordered my murder, Howard.
Like it was a pizza from Little Caesars.
How did it come to this? - Morning, Carole.
- Thank you, Dan.
- Status reports.
- Oh, you.
I need to see you in my office.
Did I do something wrong? And get Valerie.
Oh, gross.
Look at my phone.
For crap's sake.
Uh, one of the cats peed on your phone.
- Unless you want to confess.
- Oh, my aim's not that good.
On your feet.
Um, do you know why I don't pay you or any of the other volunteers here? Uh, well, it's a nonprofit, so No.
It's that I don't want mercenaries at Big Cat Rescue.
I want patriots.
You understand? Absolutely.
My parents don't get why I'm almost 30 and I'm working for free, but I am 100% committed to the cause.
I knew it.
That's why it is my honor to present you with this.
- Whoo! - Oh, my God.
It's a big responsibility.
Our lynx and ocelots will be very happy to have you taking care of them.
You've earned it, Taylor.
It's, uh it's Tyler.
No, it's not.
It is? - Yeah.
- Of course it is.
I get my vowels mixed up.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
And, uh Off you go.
- Oh.
Uh, thank you.
- Okay.
Wear it well.
This is cr I think Mr.
Mistoffelees wants us to change Our phone carrier.
We've been in talks with Mr.
Jarrett to rescue his tiger.
It appears to be about four years old.
- He's a private owner? - Yeah, in South Carolina.
- Thank you.
- Do we know how recent the photo is? Or if that's the actual cat? No and no.
Do we know anything? Just that Jarrett's agreed to meet.
I'll take care of that one myself.
Um, what's next? Status of animal abuse shows.
The two most recent shows are Welch's Great Cat Adventure, in Texas, and Corley's Exotics, - Wisconsin.
- Anything on them? No.
What are we supposed to do, Carole? We can't even ID the people running these shows, so how do we stop them? Well, no one said it was gonna be easy.
I haven't taken a day off since I was 15.
What they're counting on is you getting tired of fighting.
Tiger in the wild can't take a day off, though, right? No.
Tiger in the wild can't go to the pool and read a book.
Tiger in the wild's gotta be Laser-focused.
This whole life is a fight.
So, I don't know, you want to take a day off or you want to be a tiger? Tiger.
I thought so.
What's Awakening Productions? They're new.
We got a tip they're doing a show in Iowa this weekend.
Well, looks like we got an opportunity to get ahead of this one, let's take it.
Whoever you are, we're coming for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm, Iowa welcome, to the one and only Joe Exotic.
Welcome to the best exotic animal show in these United States.
Whoo! I'm telling you, folks, you're gonna see animals like you never seen 'em before, up close and personal.
It'll be closer than that time you walked in on Mom and Dad and they said they was just wrestling.
Sure looked like Dad was winning though, didn't it? I'm gonna introduce you to a friend right now.
Cletus, come on out here.
Oh, I know.
This is how I like to say hello to Cletus.
Thank you.
- Oh! - Wow.
You know, Cletus might kiss like he's French, but I guaran-God-damn-tee you he's 100% Arabian.
Right, Cletus? What? Huh? Oh, my Cletus said, "Forget about all them sheiks in the Middle East, "there ain't no better place to be in the world than the Linn County Fair with y'all.
" Joe! Joe.
God d I want you to talk to Cletus, he'll talk back to you in his own special way.
I'll be right back.
The fuck is it? I'm getting warmed up.
We got a problem.
He's been throwing up.
Just pump him full of antibiotics and we gotta get him onstage.
- He can't go on, Joe.
- He's my headliner.
Well, he needs a vet.
So unless you can magically pull a tiger out of your ass, you're screwed.
Joe! Got it.
Give me the orange, give me the orange.
This gonna come out.
I think.
Who wants to see a tiger appear out of thin air? I can't hear you! Well, all right.
Your wish is my command.
Yeah, well, my friend might be young, but pretty soon he's gonna be eating 333 pounds of meat a month.
That'll clean out any McDonald's.
Huh? What's better than seeing a tiger? It's pettin' one.
Who's ready for the next part of the show? I know you are! God damn it! Mother fucking sheep.
Hey, kids, look how cute this little guy is.
That'll be ten bucks, please.
Uh, that's each.
Small price to pay for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Are you real? You bet your ass I am, darlin'.
Take over.
- What the hell? - What's going on? Get security.
Hey! Get away from that cage! You're mistreating this animal.
Your bosses at PETA are wasting their time.
I ain't doing shit.
I don't work for PETA.
I'm with Big Cat Rescue.
Who? Carole Baskin.
And you're going down.
Oh, yeah, I'm going down, all right, but your ugly ass ain't gonna be on the other end of it.
Get her out of here.
You're disgusting.
Get I can let myself out.
Thank you.
Do your boss a favor and give her a message.
You don't want to mess with Joe Exotic! - Who's Carole Baskin? - Hell if I know.
Come on, we got a show to finish.
We got a deal? Oh, don't ask me.
She's the boss.
If you're having second thoughts, there's a roadside zoo up in Tennessee that will take him.
Him? It's a I'm sorry, it's a it's a girl.
Cat weighs 450, easy.
Yeah, but the paws are too small, and there's no ruff around the neck.
Plus, she's got a vagina, if you look.
Oh, man.
It's okay, sweetheart.
We're gonna get you out of here.
It's okay.
Well? Okay, so you said $5,000? Gonna need $10,000.
Now, hold on, just a minute.
This cat is purebred Siberian.
Uh-huh, oh.
Oh, my gosh, I didn't know.
Okay, can I see your permit then? 'Cause you're selling her across state lines, and the Endangered Species Act says you need a permit if it's a purebred, so I'm sure you know that.
If you want, I can, um, get Fish and Wildlife to come down and help us sort this out.
What's your problem, lady? My problem is that I would like one day of peace on this Earth, sir.
But I can't have it, because I keep having to get into fights with men like you who take these gorgeous wild animals and put them in a cage in their backyard, so they can walk outside, scratch their balls, and think, "Whoa, look at me.
I got a tiger in my backyard.
I must be special.
" You're not special, though.
You suck.
You suck.
Do you want the $5,000 or not? Hey, honey, I'm home! You look like hell, Joe.
I've been on the road for two days.
What's your excuse? Hey! New guy.
John, is it? - Yes, sir? - How's the trailer? - Comfortable? - Yeah, real good, Mr.
Thank you.
Exotic's my father's name.
Okay, let's go pick up some gear, and take you to the shed.
Yes, sir.
Where did you learn to take care of all these different animals? Oh, I'm a proud graduate of Google university.
You can learn a lot from the internet, you know? Get a load of the balls on this guy, huh.
Yeah, you're my bubba, aint you? You're my yeah, you thirsty, honey? Yes, you are.
There you go.
I saved this monkey from a shitty-ass circus that went belly-up.
Lot of these animals are rescues around here.
They're cross-eyed, or, you know, missing a tail.
Zoos won't take 'em.
But I will.
Excuse me.
I still got it.
So why do those animal rights people want to stop you? Ah, just a bunch of dried up cows picking on me 'cause their husbands can't get it up for them anymore.
You know that they say that cub breeders are evil? That we get rid of our animals after they're old and expensive? Have you ever seen me do that? - Well, I just started here.
- No! - Oh.
- I got big plans.
I'm gonna take my tour national so the whole world can love on my beautiful babies.
'Cause that's what I'm about.
My kids love me just as much as I love them.
Want to see some shit? Yeah.
My dream was always to have a zoo.
- You want to know why? - Yeah.
Because why would I want to have a regular job When I can do this? What the fuck? The vet just finished up.
How's she looking? Malnourished, ringworm.
We need to do a few more tests.
Um let's get her into the quarantine building ASAP, and have keepers available for 24 hour observation.
She's gonna be okay.
I know.
She's a fighter.
That's the thing about cats Carol? Dinner.
You know, they start out so innocent.
They have no idea what the world can really be like.
But even if they leave home, they still figure out how to survive.
What happened to them, it's never gone from their mind.
But then those little kittens have little kittens of their own.
and life goes on.
I don't know what it is.
I just I feel this need to save them.
I really feel like I was put on this Earth to rescue cats.
I know, Mom.
I know you feel it too.
Sorry to interrupt.
We got video from our volunteer in Iowa.
Hey! Get away from there.
You're mistreating this animal.
I ain't doing shit.
Valerie! Round up.
We've been struggling to shut down all these disparate animal abuse shows.
But look, this is from the video in Iowa.
What do you notice? Besides that his mouth looks like a little butthole.
Uh, the dog collar.
Look at the mullet.
Welch's Great Cat Adventure, Texas.
The mullet.
Corley's Exotics, Wisconsin.
Alex Productions.
World Magic.
Holy crap.
They're all the same person.
This is who we've been after.
This is our guy.
Crystal, after I trank Oscar, you move him into the new cage, okay? All right.
I have to call my parole officer back.
Oh, yeah.
If he wants to talk to me I'll say whatever you want me to, you know that.
Thanks, Joe.
Joe! That weirdo's back at Ozzy's cage.
One of those fucking animal right God damn nut bags.
How you doing, buddy boy? Hey! Get your ass away from that cage.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down.
This is my damn zoo, don't tell me to calm down.
What group you with? I don't think I'm a part of any group.
Unless you count Costco.
Real funny.
Thing is, if I don't get right up next to the cage, I can't give Ozzy his Twinkies, and they just make him so damn happy.
Twinkies upset his stomach.
Not banana flavor.
No shit.
Isn't that right, boy, baby boy? Yeah.
You know, after I got out of the hospital, Ozzy here is the only thing that cheered me up.
This zoo, uh this zoo saved me.
You need a bench or something? I can stand just as good as you can.
No offense.
Yeah, that's what everyone says right after they tell me the job ain't mine.
I mean, how would you like it if you got dinged for the funny way you talk? - I don't talk funny.
- Yeah, okay.
- What happened? - Zip line accident.
- Jesus.
- Yeah, I should've died.
I said goodbye to my wife and everything.
Bet she's disappointed you pulled through.
Yeah, fair enough.
- What's your name? - John Reinke.
You want a job, John Reinke? You serious? - Joe! - What? Look.
Look at this sick tiger.
Sadly, he's one of the many big cats subjected to repeated abuse by the most prolific cat abuser around, Joe Schreibvogel.
Together, we can stop this monster.
Go to bigcatrescue.
org for more information.
It's that woman, Carole Baskin.
She's got a whole website trying to take you down now.
Well, if she wants to mess with me, I can mess with her.
One, left, two.
- You're getting better.
- No, I'm not.
I'm the worst dancer in the world.
I hate this.
I absolutely hate that you're making me do this.
- Oh, watch out.
- Wow, ow, ow.
I gotta go to work.
I'm sorry.
Let's rehearse more after work.
Depends on how masochistic I'm feeling.
It's Donna.
It's one of my donors.
Hello, Donna.
How are you? Uh-huh.
Okay, what website? Hold on, let me open up my trusty computer here, hold on.
What the heck? Oh, my God.
What is this? I don't understand.
This is not us.
D hold on, Donna.
- How do you put it on mute? - Oh.
Just that Not that.
That that's a number.
What is that? That's speaker.
Donna? Donna? Okay.
Look at this.
Someone is doing shows using our name, and they even made a fake website to make it look like we're the ones abusing animals.
Oh, my God.
I have to deal with this.
Excuse me.
Donna! - Donna.
Donna? - You're still on mute.
Donna, I assure you this goes against everything that we stand for.
Donna? Do I hung up on Donna! Listen up, motherfuckers.
I got a statement from Carole Baskin of Big Cat Rescue.
She says, "A fraudulent website "has been created to sew distrust and alarm "in the big cat community.
"To be clear, we would never hurt any animal and we are deeply upset.
" - Oh, fuck you, Carole Baskin.
- Exactly.
You know what, she tried to shut us down, but I got news for her.
We just had the most profitable show ever! Whoo-hoo! And when I do well, we all do well.
Even though you are the ugliest bunch of rejects I ever seen in my whole goddamn life.
Hey, I ain't no reject, baby.
Hey! Takes one to know one, and I've been one my whole life! Here's to the unwanted animals! Hey, Joe? I finished that weld on Bonedigger's cage.
Oh, great.
Hang on a sec.
Ma'am, we're closing up for the night.
But if you want to buy a stuffed animal, I'll give you a second one for half off.
Can't beat that.
She's a little old for stuffed animals.
Oh, how about a T-shirt then? Huh? Can't get that anywhere else.
You're right about that.
Time to go, Kelly.
Oh, Kelly, you don't want to leave empty-handed.
Tell your mom you want to support the animals.
Kelly, I got candy.
I didn't mean it like that.
Need a hand? Oh, sure, but I ain't keeping you, am I? No.
Ain't like I'm in a hurry to get home.
Everything okay? I don't know.
Uh Just things have been a little bit quiet there since my dad passed.
I don't got much family left, you know? You like it here okay so far? I love it.
It's like I don't know.
SeaWorld or something.
Only I'm in the middle of Oklahoma.
I'll tell you something.
This ain't SeaWorld.
It's my world.
You're gonna be okay now, 'cause we take care of our own here.
Come on.
You can help me bring the cubs in for the night.
- Seriously? - Sure.
Come on, you're ready.
Oh, sorry.
Watch your step, the animals leave their chew toys all over the place.
You keep 'em in cribs? They're babies, ain't they? There you go, baby.
Go ahead.
What are you doing? Hey, there, little guy.
Hey, buddy.
Take a load off, dude.
- Long day, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Hope you got a girlfriend don't bust your balls for working so hard.
I ain't gotta worry about that.
Yeah? Why's that? Um my girlfriend cheated on me, so that's over.
You trying to tell me she thinks she can find somebody better? Bullshit.
You just need somebody to appreciate you.
Oh, I'm not, uh What? Into guys.
I mean I look, I don't care if you are, it's just I'm straight, so You ever been with a guy? No.
Do you watch porn? - Yeah.
- What kind? I don't know.
Babysitter stuff.
Girl and a guy? Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, when the guy's doing the girl, you like it when he's got a big one or a little one? Big one, I guess.
Well, then you ain't that straight.
Hey, folks, come see me in Dodge City on the 4th, Omaha on the 8th, and Houston on the 12th! And more shows comin'! Yes.
Yes, I know how many malls Mr.
Sutton runs.
Sutton is very important, but I left my number yesterday, and I would appreciate a call back, because it's imperative that he understand who Joe Exotic is, and what Sorry to interrupt, I just, uh I had a question about the feeding schedule for the ocelots.
I could just leave.
Kind of looks like you want to punch me in the face, so At what point does banging your head against a wall lead to permanent brain damage? That's rhetorical, right? None of these malls or county fairs will call me back.
I need a break.
How is the red shirt treating you? Oh, great.
I love being up close with the animals.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jamie's been showing me the ropes.
Did you study zoology in college? Uh, I dropped out, actually.
I, uh I spent a year volunteering for the Obama campaign, so.
That was cool.
Doing what? Um, just mostly online stuff.
You know, reaching out to people, building a coalition.
It was a grind, but, uh, strength in numbers, you know? Yeah.
What if I told you, that with the push of one button, we could get every one of our supporters to email every mall and county fair currently set to host one of Joe's shows.
I would tell you that it's against company policy to come to work stoned.
It is a software program that the Obama campaign used.
And we can use it to rally people against Joe's shows in bigger numbers.
You think 2,000 emails would make a difference? Well, I don't know, but 20,000 might.
There's a lot of animal rights groups, and we are not the only ones who are against what Joe's doing.
We just need to reach out and convince them to come together under one flag.
So you have a list of people for us to contact.
So I should just drop everything and Start calling, yes.
Big Cat Rescue.
Yeah, hold please.
Carole! It's Luis Diaz, from the Americans Against Animal Cruelty? Karen, look at the pictures of what Joe did to those tigers, and tell me you could sleep afterwards.
Individually, we are a whimper, Derek, but together we are a roar.
I just sent the Great Lakes Rescue's email list.
Got it.
Add that to the rest, please.
598 plus 2 - Well? - Yeah, I'm going as fast as I can.
- What's the total number? - I'm just I'm I don't work well under pressure, so if you could just 'Cause you know when you mess up, the whole thing gets lost.
No, it yeah, I know.
Okay, I got it.
I got it.
Is that good? That's fine.
That's good.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Got all their emails.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now you just gotta rally your new troops.
What do you mean? Talk to them.
- No.
- Every movement needs a face.
No, I don't I don't like the spotlight.
I'm behind the scenes.
Okay, name me one other person who can speak with more passion about this than you? Come on.
Um, yes.
I'm just gonna go.
I'm just gonna go for one.
I'm gonna start again.
Okay, um Good afternoon, animal lovers.
Too stiff.
It's good to see all your faces.
I can't see their faces.
This is stupid.
Hello there, all you lovers of cats.
That sounds like that sounds obscene.
Do you have a beta-blocker? That's cat for "We need help.
" You're right.
Loosen up.
Loosen up.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪ It's Carole Baskin.
My name is Carole Baskin.
Carole like the Christmas song, Baskin, like the Robbins.
That sucks.
I don't remember how to speak English.
Am I speaking English? I think I just had a stroke.
Why is this so hard? Excuse me, can I have a different personality, please? Hello there, cats.
Hey, cats.
Hey, cats.
Hey, fat cats and kittens.
And kittens.
You courageous cats Cuddly cats cute cats kooky cats kinky cats whoops.
Hey there, all you c Hey, all you cool cats and kittens Hey, all you cool cats and kittens, I'm Carole Baskin, and I need your help.
Hey, careful with that.
Precious cargo.
My home state.
We gotta give 'em a good show.
Excuse me, are you Mr.
Exotic? Autographs after the show.
No, I'm Melvin.
I-I manage the mall.
Well, shit.
Great to meet you, Melvin.
You got a hell of a mall here.
Thank you.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to cancel the show.
Why's that, Melvin? All I know is that we got flooded with emails, and What the hell do emails got to do with it? The animal groups are after us.
They crashed our servers.
Look, I don't know what kind of enemies you have, but this is a huge problem for us.
All right, let's sit down and talk.
It's not my call.
- I'm sorry.
- So that's it? Fuck your apology, Melvin.
You know what? I didn't do anything wrong.
- Get off of me.
- Joe - Hey.
- Listen, - I'm talking to you, Melvin! - Joe, Joe, it's okay.
It's not okay.
None of this is okay.
- Joe - God, let go of me.
Load the truck back up.
We're leaving.
I said load it up, damn it! - Oh! - There you are.
- Oh, my God.
- Mmm.
Oh! Would you like some victory brie? Yes, please.
I've been waiting for this all day.
- All right.
- Oh, my God, the joy.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Toast time.
- Uh, you go first.
- Oh, uh To Joe Exotic, wherever he may be.
He learned the first lesson of tangling with my brilliant wife.
It does not go well.
Not bad for a high school dropout.
Wait, I want to do one too.
Okay, um When there are no more animals in cages, then there will be no more need for us to rescue them.
So here's to us putting ourselves out of business.
Hey, Joe.
You okay? She got to every mall and fair within 1,000 miles.
What does that mean? Means I ain't got no income.
Means the zoo might have to shut down.
The animals I don't even know what would happen to them.
Today it was Joe Exotic, tomorrow I'm gonna go after all the rest of them.
I've had to fight for everything I got.
Every roadside zoo, every private owner.
And if she thinks she can knock me back, and I'm gonna go down quietly They're gonna find out the old-fashioned way I don't do anything quietly.
You don't fuck with Carole Baskin.
And that bitch poked the wrong goddamn bear.

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