Joey s01e17 Episode Script

That's it.
Oh, perfect.
These photos are going to look great in People Magazine.
Let's see your good side.
Oh, God, no, go back! That's it, yeah.
We got it.
All right.
Wow, People Magazine! My mom is going to be so excited.
Now, if you get me into a Playboy that has an Asian girl on the cover, my dad could read about me, too.
Now, listen, Joey, the interview portion is later.
Judy Wilson is going to meet you on the set.
Now, she's single, which is good.
But she's smart, which could kill us.
You need to come off as a great guy.
I mean really charm her.
I'll give it a shot, sweetheart.
Ooh Oh, come on.
Get serious! Bobbie, will you relax? Look, I will handle the interviewer.
Okay? By the time I'm done with her, she's gonna want to put me on the cover.
There's a new stud in town, so move over, "Robert Blake's Legal Nightmare.
" You are such a fascinating interview.
And all the charity work you do with children? You're almost too good to be true.
Please.
You're starting to sound like the people I pulled from that burning car.
Our research shows us that in your role as a single father, you're becoming very popular with women over 30.
How do you feel about that? Great.
You know, I feel like women really come into their own after the age of 30.
They know who they are, they know what they want.
And you know, I find that very sexy.
Oh.
I've got a couple more questions to ask you.
Some of these may seem a little bit silly, but it's what our readers are into, so What's your favorite color? Purple.
Me, too! When you get to heaven, what do you want God to say to you? "Come on in, Joey.
This place is full of women over 30.
" And, do you have any siblings? Yeah, I have seven sisters.
Wow.
You must really understand women.
You know, I'm here to interview you so this may be totally inappropriate, but Well, is there any chance you'd want to have drinks? I would love that.
Why don't I take you out to dinner tomorrow night? Tomorrow night? Are you sure? - Yeah.
Why not? - Oh, my God, okay! Morning.
Hey, oh, how'd your interview go yesterday? Great.
I think she kinda liked me, so I'm taking her out to dinner tonight.
Tonight? Are you serious? Why? What's the big deal? Good morning, everybody! Happy Valentine's Day! No, no, no! What's wrong? I asked this girl out to dinner tonight and I didn't know it was Valentine's Day.
Now she's going to think I want to get all serious with her and start a relationship.
Oh, and you don't? Oh, you're cute.
I can't believe I have a date on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to miss my annual ritual.
Why? What do you usually do? Well, every year I go to a bar alone, find that table full of single women pretending they don't need men, send over a bottle of white zin, wait five minutes and pounce.
It's a little something I like to call "Valentine's Day Massacre.
" Well, you can't reschedule now.
She'll be devastated.
Yeah.
It'd be like standing someone up for the prom.
Sorry, sweetie.
For the last time, she got lost on the way to our house, she found another guy, and she went with him.
All right, well, maybe I'm overreacting.
Is there any chance she won't take it that seriously? Well, how old is she? I don't know, 33, 34.
Well, which is it? Because at 33, you're still happy being a sexy single woman.
At 34 you've got a wedding dress in your trunk, just in case.
I've got to find something to take the pressure off this date.
Oh, hey, maybe you guys could come with me.
Don't you think that'd be a little obvious? No, not if you just "happen" to be at the same restaurant and then you can come join us.
That could work.
I'm not doing anything.
Yeah, and Eric's still on tour, so I'm available.
And we know Michael's free.
Mom, I explained this.
Virginia's cat had a stomach thing.
She'll call me in the next few weeks.
I'm so excited about tonight.
- To us.
- To the Knicks! So, did you finish my article yet? Oh, I don't want to talk about work.
You reach a certain age when you realize you have to focus on your personal life.
I mean, let's face it: I'm not 34 anymore.
Oh, my God.
What is my sister doing here? With my nephew and my neighbor? Of all the Valentine's Day mix-ups.
I hope they don't see us! Joey? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What I do every Valentine's Day.
Taking my son and my lawyer friend out to a crowded restaurant where I have not made a reservation.
Well, uh I guess they could join us.
You sure? It doesn't have to get in the way of our romantic evening.
Michael, why don't you squeeze right in here between us.
Gina, Michael, Alex, this is Judy.
- I'm his Valentine.
- Oh, stop.
Stop.
Oh, God.
$35 for "lobster risotto in a heart-shaped mold"? This holiday is so stupid.
Alex, you're kinda ruining the mood there.
I mean, would you look at all these suckers out celebrating this Hallmark holiday.
My husband and I don't need this kind of thing.
Though a card might have been nice.
Or a phone call.
Or an e-mail perhaps.
But we spoke on Tuesday.
He asked me to gather up his receipts.
Tax time's coming.
Can you excuse me a second? I'm going to use the restroom.
Look at those single girls over there, and I'm stuck on a date.
God, I can't just leave them there.
Michael, they deserve better, but I'm sending you in.
No, I can't.
I'm taken.
Virginia said she'd call the second her cat took a turn for the better, okay? Michael, it's cleavage, lipstick and apple-tinis.
It's a cry for help.
Answer the call.
You know what? You're right.
Yeah, I'm not just gonna sit here waiting for her to call.
Ladies, get ready for a massacre.
Yeah! Alright! Is it me or is self-confidence a bummer on him? - Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.
- Oh, great, another one.
You think just 'cause we're sitting here alone we're desperate for a man to hit on us? You're not, are you? God, I knew I shouldn't have done this! I would never have even come over here if he hadn't told me to! Oh, he's cute.
Is he coming over, too? No, I'm all you get, okay? I was supposed to have a date tonight, but she had to cancel because her cat had this stomach thing.
Oh, honey, I've used that excuse.
She doesn't have a cat.
So, I got blown off for Valentine's Day? Yeah, join the club.
Could I? Could we talk over here for a second? Sure.
Come on, everyone.
Let's go talk to Judy.
Just you.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Look, I'm sorry these guys just showed up.
You know I would love to have you all to myself, but it's out of my control.
Joey, I'm not an idiot.
I know why they're here.
- You do? - Yeah.
You wanted me to meet your family.
I mean, I can't believe how fast this is moving but it feels so right! A-special a-music for the lovers! What a difference a day makes, huh? I'm out on Valentine's Day with a great guy.
I'm being welcomed into a family.
I mean, if this was a first date for most guys, they'd be freaking out.
You guys are a beautiful couple.
Now this may be the alcohol talking, but It's the alcohol.
Don't say it.
Don't take this for granted.
You have to put your love in a bottle and make a promise to drink from it every day.
And if you do, at night it will replenish itself.
You hate your body? I hate my body.
Why? You're so thin.
You should see in a bathing suit.
I have some real problem areas.
Well, at least you can have dessert tonight.
You know what? I don't care what that bastard, Jim, said.
You look great.
Yeah! You know what? To hell with the diet.
I'm getting the chocolate mousse.
You go, girlfriend! I can't believe you have a child that age.
You look amazing.
- How old are you? - 36.
I'm older than you, and you have an adult son? Older? Yes, hold her.
I admire you, but I'm not interested in having kids.
As long as I have my career and someone meecial, that's all I care about.
I remember when I used to think like that.
Then you turn 15.
Everything changes.
Oh, I should take this.
Hi, Cynthia.
No, I'm not at home.
You won't believe what happened! Cynthia's going to be a fat bridesmaid at my wedding, isn't she? Joey, she just gave you the perfect out.
She said she doesn't want kids.
Just tell her how important they are to you.
That's a great idea! When my mother was my age, she had three kids.
All I have is a husband who's away all the time.
Last week, a squirrel snuck into our apartment, and I thought it was Eric, and he had come home to surprise me.
I put on lingerie for a squirrel.
Um, I'll take care of her.
You take care of Judy.
Come on, sweetie.
Oh, God, it feels so good to be touched.
I'm sorry.
It's just that he's away all the time, and I try to pretend like it doesn't bother me, but deep down, it does.
Of course it does.
I mean, he's always traveling, you know, and even when he's home, it's not like he's here.
You know? Here.
You have massive breasts.
Two coffees, please.
You want to know how long it's been since we've had sex? One coffee and one tequila, please.
And even when we have sex, it feels like there's something missing.
And can I tell you a secret? I wish you wouldn't.
When I make love to my husband, I think about Noah Wyle.
Judy, obviously, this is hard for me to say, but children are mportant to me, and I was kind of shocked when I heard you say you didn't want any.
I'm sorry; that's just how I feel.
Oh! How many women have I lost because of my desire to have children? Wow, I'm surprised you feel that strongly about this.
Oh, so strongly.
You know, I've always had this fantasy about coming home at night and having all these kids running at me, screaming, "Daddy's home! Daddy's home!" And then, we'd roughhouse and build forts and then sit around the fire eating a big bowl of ice cream.
I can't believe this is happening.
I know You've talked me into having children.
And as if it wasn't bad enough that I asked her out on Valentine's Day, I talked her into having children! Oh, Joey! Oh, if laughter really is the best medicine, then that story just cleared up my hepatitis.
Look, a bad article from this woman could really hurt your career.
They go to press in two days, so until then, just give her anything she wants.
I don't know For God's sake, it's only 48 hours.
I took a shower with Ed Asner that took longer than that.
Okay, all right, I can do this.
Thanks, Bobbie.
I have to keep it up for two days.
Why do I have to be so charming to the opposite sex?! Hey, at least you just have the opposite sex.
Everybody wants me.
I'll see you guys later.
I'm going to go meet Denise and the rest of the fab five for spinning class.
Classic move, Michael, huh? Pretend to be friends, then slip in there and put the moves on 'em.
Men! So, did you have fun last night, Keith Richards? I would really rather not make eye contact with you.
What, are you embarrassed? You got drunk.
What's the big deal? It's not the drinking.
It's all that stuff that I told you about my marriage and about my sexual secret.
Yeah, I got to ask Noah Wyle? I mean, really.
I could see Clooney, or Eriq LaSalle, or even that new Indian chick Come on, you little weirdo.
We just started getting comfortable around each other.
Oh, how 'bout this? I'll tell you one of my sexual secrets, and we'll be even.
You don't get embarrassed.
There's nothing you could tell me that would make this even.
I almost got embarrassed last night when a girl felt my breasts at a restaurant.
I forgot about that.
It was so nice of you to come with me to get my hair dyed.
Are you kidding? Three hours in a hair salon? Fun! Well, if I didn't do it, I'd be completely gray.
So, uh you want to watch some TV? - Sure.
- Okay.
Meow.
Kitty needs some attention.
Oh, hey Wub my tummy.
Nice kitty.
Here, little Oh, hey, I've been meaning to ask you something- and please feel free to say no- but my parents are throwing this big party for my little sister's 40th birthday And my whole family's going to be there.
And if you could come, it would mean the world to me.
Oh.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Uh, by the way, how's my article coming? Oh, I haven't had time to finish it yet.
I've been a bad little kitty.
Uh, when does Kitty expect to have it completed? Oh, well, haven't had time to work on it because of us, so I got an extension.
I'll hand it in next month.
Next month? I really want you to come to this party, so I'm going to call my parents and tell 'em you're coming.
I want to make sure you get the upper bunk in my brother's room.
The party's an overnight thing? Well, of course, silly.
We're not going to go to Canada for one day.
Canada? Oh, I can't do that.
My passport is gone.
Yeah.
This bird came in and And I was like, "Huh?" You don't want to meet my family.
I do want to meet your family, but this damn bird You're lying.
You don't think I can tell when you're lying? Jo-Jo Dancer, it's me, Ju-Ju Bean.
I've never heard either of those nicknames before.
Look, um, as much as I want to meet your family, maybe we should slow things down.
What?! I'm sorry, I I can't believe this is happening.
I feel like I don't know you.
Y-You're not the nice guy that I thought you were! Ju-Ju Bean?! I can't stay here! I'm too upset! And when I'm upset, I work.
I'm going to go finish my article.
I hate you, Joey Tribbiani! No, no, don't! Don't go! Don't go! Don't go! Don't go! Maybe there's something I could do to make this okay.
What? Oh, Joey, my whole family loves you.
Well, Nana and Pop-Pop, obviously.
And you were such a good sport about wrestling cousin Hank in the yard.
I do wish he'd had a shirt on.
Gina, would you just leave me alone for a little while? No.
I am here to even things out.
But you don't have any embarrassing secrets.
Just watch.
Oh! Oh, my God! Shut up and watch.
Gina Tribbiani tap-dances.
Since when?! Since junior high.
I followed this super-hot guy into a dance studio.
Shockingly, he turns out to be gay but I found a far greater love: tap.
Oh, so now we're even.
You keep my secret; I keep yours.
Yes.
We're even.
You know, in college, I took a dance class for a semester.
Jazz.
I was actually quite good.
I just did a little, you know You know, for one second, we were even.
Now I'm going to have to think of something else! I can't believe you're up here visiting my family, and we've only been together a week.
At this rate, imagine where we could be in a month! When you get married, will it be here, or is there a Lutheran church in California? I'm sorry.
It's just very important to my family that I'm only serious with people within our faith.
Well, I'm not Lutheran.
Oh, don't worry - as long as you're willing to raise our kids as Christians, that's all I care about.
If I wasn't, would that be a problem? Well, I'd hate to say it, but it'd be a deal-breaker.
Judy I'm Jewish! What?! What a terrible misunderstanding.
This is heartbreaking.
But let us not say "good-bye," okay? Let us just say "shalom.
" Here it is! Joey Tribbiani isn't just a bright new face in Hollywood.
He's also as nice a guy off camera as he is on.
And a deeply religious man with a great commitment to his jewish faith.
Joey is searching for that special someone so single jewish girl if you're loking for an eligible bachelor, Joey Tribbiani is looking for you.
That may explain this.
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