Joey s01e16 Episode Script

Joey and the Tonight Show

Hang on, Lizzy! I can't walk! It's too hard! Then I'll carry you off this mountain.
I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home.
Cut! Man, how heavy is that kid? What, does she got weights in her pockets?! Yeah, we'll finish this after lunch, people.
Have a nice lunch.
Maybe just a salad.
Hey, Joey.
Bobbie, hey.
Hey, everyone, this is my agent Bobbie.
Hello, everyone.
I just watched your last scene.
Wow! You're all so lucky to have work.
So, what do you think? You excited to do it? What are you talking about? Did I not tell you? I'm a little off.
I was at the gate looking through my purse for my wallet, and I accidentally tasered myself.
Oh, yeah.
So, what's the news? Well, The Tonight Show had a cancellation for tomorrow, and they called to ask me if I had anyone who could fill in.
I suggested you, and they said yes! You're kidding! I'm as stunned as you are! I'm going to be on The Tonight Show? - Yes! - Oh, my God! This is unbelievable! This is, like, one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life.
The only thing bigger than this would be- I don't know- like, making my Oscar speech.
Oscar? Did you get tasered, too? It's 4:00 in the morning.
Shouldn't you be in bed? Tomorrow's your big day.
Can't sleep.
I'm too nervous.
Don't bother.
I ate it.
You don't feel like watching it again, do you? Sure.
Tune in tomorrow night.
My guests will be Colin Farrell, Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani and musical guest Maroon 5.
It's a good show.
Didn't he sound kind of excited when he said my name? I'll bet you he can't sleep, either.
I still can't believe it.
Tomorrow night, I am going to be sitting on that couch.
Is it lame that I'm this nervous? No.
No, this is huge.
But, Joey, you're going to be great.
Well, thanks.
It's just when I was a kid, I used to dream about being on The Tonight Show, you know? Johnny Carson would introduce me, and I'd come out, and he'd say, "How you doing, Joey?" And I'd say, "Just great, Johnny.
" And now that day is finally here, and I'm I'm so scared, 'cause 'Cause you're afraid you're going to say Johnny's name instead of Jay's? It could so happen.
I spoke to Mom.
Everyone's so excited.
They're all going to watch you over at Mary Angela's except for Mary Teresa, who has to be home to watch Nightline.
That bitch with her current events.
People in the building are excited, too.
Oh, really? Yeah, well, it's a solid two hours they know you won't be in the hot tub.
Got your suit.
Oh, great.
Did you know that there was a woman's number in the pocket? Oh, my God.
To find a number I thought I'd lost forever.
It's like the beginning of a great romantic movie.
Oh, her? No.
So, do you have your stories prepared yet? Oh, well, yeah, I got a few choices.
Hey, tell me what you guys think.
Um, it's a couple years ago at Halloween, and I'm going as the Grinch.
- Cute.
- Love it.
So I meet this girl at a party, and because I'm a little drunk and she's wearing a Catwoman mask, I just assume that she's pretty.
- Stop.
- Ew.
Wait a minute, I didn't even get to the funny part yet.
So it turns out she was only 17 Uh, maybe a different story.
Um oh, okay, well, I know a joke.
This old French whore walks into a bar Yeah, I don't think she does.
No, no, no.
Not on The Tonight Show.
Joey, you got to have something other than dirty jokes and sex stories.
Oh, like a heartwarming family story? Exactly.
Oh, here's something.
Uh, one of my sisters breast-fed her kid until he was seven.
So, what happened to this French whore? Jay, Jay Jay Hi, Jay.
I'm Joey.
Oh! Oh, you had it.
Well, I think that's as close as I'm going to get.
I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do when I'm there.
- Should I break-dance? - No.
- Bird calls? - No.
- An impersonation of Jay? - Really, definitely no.
Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower? There's a lot of traffic.
Well, I can't be late.
I go on in an hour.
There should be a Tonight Show lane! Hey, that guy in the red truck just cut you off! Pull up next to him and give him the finger.
- No! - Why not? Because it's stupid.
You know, I don't insult the things that you do.
Now, come on, flip him off.
Mom, no.
I've never given anyone the finger in my life.
Never? That's the Tribbiani handshake.
Look, you're never going to see him again.
Just do it.
- What are you, scared? - No, I Are you a baby? Are you a big baby? You are the best mom ever.
Michael, just do it.
Otherwise, she's never going to leave you alone.
Okay, okay.
There, you happy now? - How'd it feel? - Pretty good.
Can you believe this? Michael gave a guy the finger, and you're going to be on The Tonight Show.
Let us remember this day.
We're slowing down.
What's the big deal? Well, you said I'd never see this guy again.
Now we're stopping right next to each other.
Oh, great, we can take it to the next level: swearing.
Gina? Hmm Oh, I know.
No, Mom, no, no, no.
Just we're not moving.
Is he still right next to me? Pretty much.
Oh, my God.
The guy's staring at me.
Well, sure, Michael.
You gave him the finger.
Hey, look up ahead.
People are getting out of their cars.
Why are they getting out of their cars? Oh, my God I can't be late.
I'll find out what's going on.
I'm good with people.
Hey! What the hell?! Hello? Joey? Oh! I'm so glad I caught you.
There is a major traffic jam on the freeway.
Do not take the 101.
I'm already on the 101.
Oh, you actors never listen! Well, just get your ass over here.
You are not going to believe it.
What? I just met the hottest guy! Oh, dirty hair, great arms, drives an El Camino Gina, what about the traffic? Oh well, a truck jack-knifed, flipped over, spilled stuff everywhere.
The driver's okay, but I bet he is so fired.
Well, so what does this mean? Well, they closed all five lanes till they could clean it up.
It's going to be about an hour.
An hour?! I can't wait that long.
All right, I'm going to have to run for it.
- How far away are we? - Like, nine miles.
Okay, nine miles in 45 minutes.
Can I do that? Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back? I don't know what that means.
All right, I'm going to give it a shot.
Aggravated an old injury.
- What, football? - No, no, threesome.
All right.
I'm never going to make it there on foot.
Oh, I'm going to call Bobbie and see what my options are.
Oh Hello? Bobbie, is that you? I just tasered myself again.
I think, on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.
Look, I need you to find out what The Tonight Show does if someone's late.
Oh, I am so on it.
Hold on.
Mom, what are you doing? I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the finger to.
I'd tell him to smile, but I don't think that's happening.
Huh? What? His license plate says: "JUDOMAN.
" Ah, he's not that big.
He can't be JUDOMAN.
I talked to the producers, and it turns out if you're late, they give away your spot, and you're banned from the show for life.
That's terrible! Isn't there anything else you can do? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there?! Okay, I have to get there now.
Otherwise, I'm never going to be on The Tonight Show.
I got 40 minutes.
All right, let's brainstorm.
What are some ways I can get the hell out of here? I know it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of these news helicopters to come down and pick you up.
That's great! We just got to get their attention.
Uh oh! Let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies to spell out "Joey Tribbiani needs to get to The Tonight Show fast.
" I'll be the "J.
" What? This is ridiculous.
Well, you got any other ideas? That hot guy in the El Camino seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.
I'll just check in with him.
How will that help me get to The Tonight Show? Okay, look, he asked me to stop by and hang out if I had some time.
I'm sorry, you have a date in a traffic jam? Don't put so much pressure on it.
Um not that this isn't a great idea in every other way, but aren't you dating Joey's assistant? Look, Glen's great, but there's no ring on this finger.
Oh, that's hilarious.
They think I'm flipping them off again.
Mom, put it down! All right, I'll be back.
They won't stop staring at me! They didn't even ogle my mom when she walked away.
- Well, they're probably gay.
- Oh, yeah, they heard that.
This is a Chinese black dragon.
And this means Flower of Chaos.
"Flower of Chaos.
" I've been called that.
That is so hot.
Speaking of hot, huh? Yeah, I know.
It's got to be 90 today.
What are you gonna do? Nothin' but sweat.
Wow! - You like music? - Sure.
What's your favorite band? - Do you know Whitesnake? - No way.
I just got the Japanese release of "Slip of the Tongue.
" No way! How is it? I got it in my car.
Don't go anywhere.
Don't worry, I won't.
- 'Cause of the traffic.
- That's right.
Hey, anything happen up there yet? Nah, they're still clearing the road.
- Nice car.
- Thanks.
You got air conditioning in there? Yeah.
What's that, bottled water? You want to come in for some? Well just for a little bit.
So, did you get that lady to give you her horse? No.
And the family in the minivan wouldn't loan me their big dog, either.
That's it- a motorcycle! I just need to get a motorcycle! That shouldn't be too hard.
I think that old lady in the Acura is going to be opening up a shop.
That's funny.
You know who'd get a chuckle out of that? JUDOMAN.
Tanaka, the government holds several documents with your signature implicating you in your company's misconduct.
Hopefully, that's the translator.
Alex Garrett.
You got to get me a motorcycle! It is not the translator.
No, it's me, Joey.
Look, I'm stuck in traffic on the 101, and the only way I can get to The Tonight Show is with a motorcycle.
Where am I supposed to get a motorcycle? I don't know; someone at your firm's got to have one.
Don't a lot of lawyers ride motorcycles on the weekend so their lives don't seem so empty and boring? Oh.
I got to go.
- Okay, I got a big problem.
- Do ya? So this El Camino guy is totally my type: very sexy; we have tons of stuff in common.
But then I met this other guy in a Mercedes.
Safe, kind of boring, but has leather seats softer than my skin.
I just don't know what to do.
They're both so great, but so different! I mean, do I follow my heart or opt for security? You been gone ten minutes! Oh, officer, officer! Look, uh, I'm an actor, and I'm supposed to be on The Tonight Show in a half an hour! Is there any way you could give me a ride? You're on The Tonight Show? Wait a second- you're Tony Danza! Yes, I am.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm going past there anyway.
I'll drop you off.
This is great! Thank you! Sir, you got to get down from there.
- Just a second, Mr.
- Please- Tony.
Oh, my God, I think it's gonna work! Officer Bradley, we have a 10-12.
Oh, my God! That's a woman going into labor.
How do you know that? I was a 10-12 on my way to the prom.
Officer Bradley, proceed immediately to the blue station wagon at the 20-mile marker.
Oh, my God.
If he goes to help that woman deliver the baby, I'll never make it to The Tonight Show.
He doesn't have to know.
- No, I got to tell him.
- She'll be fine.
Women have been having babies on freeways for thousands of years.
That's a good point.
Ready to roll? I can't do this.
Look, officer, there's a 10-12 at the 20-mile marker.
A blue station wagon.
Oh, my God, a 10-12? I've got to go.
But before I do, can you give me one of your trademark catchphrases? Uh Hey, Angela, I'm your nanny now.
Or whatever.
I don't want to alarm you, but JUDOMAN is now kissing his muscles and wrapping his hands in tape.
Hello? Joey, it's ten minutes before you're supposed to go on.
Can you get here? I'm trying, I'm trying! I need to know now, because if you can't make, they're going to send out the guy from the zoo with his snake.
Oh, man! I'm not going to be on the show, and I'm missing a snake?! Look, I'm gonna have to tell them you can't make it.
I'm sorry, honey.
Yeah, all right, I guess you should.
I couldn't find a bike, but how do you feel about a motorized wheelchair? It's too late.
Bobbie's giving away my spot.
It's not gonna happen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, you want to come with me to the Mercedes? You can collect yourself on the softest leather you ever felt.
I'd like that very much.
All right, I can't take this anymore.
Michael, what are you doing? These guys have been staring at me for an hour, and you know what? The anticipation has got to be worse than anything they could actually do to me.
Michael, have you ever been hit in the face? It's not great.
You know what? I don't care.
I just got to get this over with.
So come on, JUDOMEN! Yeah, come on Practice your dark arts on me! Oh, now that they're standing, they're not big at all.
No, no, they're just crouched in some kind of attack stance.
All right, let's just get this over with.
Just do what you have to do.
Oh, we will.
Uh, what are you doing? We never perform judo without stretching properly.
This should only take about 30 minutes.
This will not end! Hey, there you are.
I thought you were gonna bring me back the Whitesnake tape.
Gina, come back to the car.
I personalized the lumbar settings on the passenger seat for you.
Wait, you were in his car, too? You were in two cars? That we know of.
Hey, I don't like what you're implying.
Ooh, yeah.
Right there, JUDOMAN.
Hey, what do you know? The little one is JUDOMAN.
Who are you calling little? Hey, don't be mad at me.
She is the one who told him to give you the finger.
Oh, did she? Back off, buddy; she's with me.
I don't think she is.
Would somebody please just punch me in the face?! Enough! None of these are problems! I'm the only one of us with a problem, okay? I'm supposed to be grooving out to Maroon Five with Colin Farrell right now! Instead, a snake is doing it, okay? So, everybody just calm down, all right? You got it, Tattoo Guy, huh? Mercedes Guy, huh? JUDOMAN? Guy who was sitting in the back of JUDOMAN's truck for no apparent reason? I was watching a DVD.
You got a DVD in there? Oh! I can't believe I found you! Alex? You wanted a motorcycle, I got you a motorcycle.
You call this a motorcycle? Do you know what I had to go through to get you this?! I had to borrow it from the cleaning lady at our office, who hates me, even though I have been nothing but nice to her! On the way here, I have been yelled at, sworn at, honked at, and I lost my shoe! But if this isn't enough of a motorcycle for you, then I guess I can just No, no, no, no! It's great, it's great, it's great.
I love it! I love it! Yeah! You're damn right you do! Okay, all right, here, call Bobbie and tell her I'm on my way.
- Wait- the helmet.
- I'm not wearing that.
- Safety first! - Okay, okay.
All right, wish me luck.
Good luck, Joey! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joey Tribbiani! Joey Okay, stop.
That's enough.
please welcome Joey Tribbiani! joey you look great So how long do you hug him for? It goes on for quite a while.
In about a minute, Colin Farrell comes out to try to peel me off him.
But you were on the Tonight Show.
I was on the Tonight Show.
See right there where Jay kinda shakes his head at me.
Is that where you called him Johnny? That is where.