Joey s01e15 Episode Script

Joey and the Assistant

Oh, look who's here an hour and a half late.
- I'm so sorry, Bobbie.
- What's gotten into you? You're late all the time.
Last night you missed the benefit with the lingerie models.
Well, did they raise a lot of money? Will those girls get the help they need? You are very erratic lately.
Are you doing some new designer drug that you might have on your person? No, No.
It's just I've I've been working so much that I'm having a hard time keeping track of things.
Well, you need to find a personal assistant.
- You think that would help? - Oh, sure.
They'll run errands for you.
They organize your personal life.
Plus, they do tricks! Watch this.
Jason, could you be a doll and come in here with a cup balanced on your head? Jason, say hi to Joey Tribbiani.
Hello.
I have a master's degree.
Thanks, dear.
That's all for now.
Back in the box.
All right, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna get an assistant.
Any advice? Well, you need to find someone who's a good fit for you.
I mean, personally, I'm always pro-gay.
They smell good, and they've got those quick little fingers.
Bobbie, I wanted to remind you, we have a 4:00 departmental meeting.
Thank you, Jason.
Now do the robot for Joey.
That is just what I need.
Hey.
Hi.
What you got there? Oh.
Resumes.
Yeah, I need a personal assistant now that I'm a busy brity.
A guy recognized me on the street yesterday.
A homeless guy asked if you were Jesus.
He knew who I was.
Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong? I just got into a big fight with my so-called friend Seth.
Wait a minute.
Nerds fight each other? Don't you get enough grief from normal people? No, wwe invented a new material for the heat shields in rockets.
Now seth is filing a patent, and he wants to try and take all the credit himself.
Why would he do that? It's a scientific breakthrough.
There's a lot at stake here.
Money, fame, a very specific kind of woman.
You know, I can help you sort that out.
I am a lawyer.
Ooh, sue him! I haven't been in a lawsuit since that dog-biting thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
A dog bit you? No, no.
She bit the dog.
Hey! choose who humps me, not the other way around.
Actually, I'm not talking about a lawsuit here.
I'm just talking about a mediation.
I'll set up a meeting with Seth, and all you have to do is show up.
I don't know if that's goingto solve anything, but it's worth a shot.
Okay.
Thanks.
Alright.
Who wants to go through this pile of resumes with me and help me find an assistant? Oh, what are you wasting your time with these idiots for? Hire me.
Okay, if you really want to do it.
I don't like the way you just said that.
I quit.
I knew I couldn't keep you here forever.
Good luck to you.
Travis, your resume's impressive.
Let me throw a scenario at you.
I send you to the video store.
Which Die Hard movie do you bring back? The first one? I'm sorry, the correct answer was all three.
Thanks for stopping by.
Let me be your assistant.
Don't you already have a job? I'm Senior Vice President of the 3rd largest bank in California.
But it's a dead-end job.
Hi.
I'm here for the assistant position.
I'm Glen.
- Oh, Joey.
- Hi.
Glen, nice name.
What's yours? Howard J.
Peckerman.
Come on in, Glen.
All right, won't you mind telling me alittle about yourself? Oh, well, I moved out here five years ago Started doing this and loved it.
Where are you from? Minnesota.
Your English is great.
What kind of car do you drive? Oh, a pickup truck.
If I hire you, may I ride around in the back like a dog? - Sure you're the boss.
- Excellent.
Okay, next question.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
I'm hungry.
What do you get me and why? Hmm.
I'm gonna have to go with pizza.
Because you can eat it directly off your stomach without utensils while still lying in bed.
I got to be honest with you, Glen.
You're blowing me away here.
All right, let's get down to the serious stuff.
Who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman? Definitely the Wolfman.
What? No way.
How? Because he'd fight Dracula to a draw until dawn, and then and then Dracula would turn to dust, and the Wolfman would just turn into a normal dude.
I never thought of it like that.
That changes everything.
Joey, where were you? You were supposed to help me clean out my garage a half an hour ago! Oh, uh, look, Gina, I'm sorry.
I, uh, uh Hi, I'm Glen, and, uh, this is all my fault.
I was late for my interview, and Joey was just telling me that he was supposed to be helping you.
I'm really, really sorry.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Glen.
You made me miss cleaning out her garage.
Well, why didn't you just call? - Uh I, uh - He couldn't call, 'cause he was stuck on the phone with me.
He had to give me directions.
I got I got lost.
I'm such an idiot.
Mm, yeah.
Stupid, stupid Glen.
Well, this neighborhood can be confusing.
I'm sorry I snapped at you, Joey.
I'm gonna go make dinner.
You want the job? - When do I start? - I think you already did! - Hey, hey! Morning, boss.
- Hey! That was a late shoot last night, but you were great.
Well, thanks.
Yeah, it was nice having you there.
And thanks for running lines with me and getting me water and dealing with that crazy fan.
Did she find your dressing room okay? Yes, she did.
Okay, so, listen, I have these contracts for you to sign.
And here is your schedule for today.
Oh, and, uh, some girl Amelia called.
Do want me to break up with her, but still leave an opening so you guys can sleep together? You just got yourself employee of the month.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh.
I'm just dropping off Michael's pants.
He asked me to hem 'em for him.
Oh, that's a That's a good-looking hem.
Thanks for noticing.
I swear, if I didn't take care of this stuff, he'd walk out of this place naked.
This one got marker all over the wall yesterday.
Hey, your sister's beautiful.
Is she single? Oh! My trusty valet is interested in the lady of the manor.
- You think I have a chance? - Uh, yeah.
Hey, Gina, listen, uh, I think you're a really interesting woman, and I Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're working way too hard there, Glen.
You want to go out with this guy? I don't know.
I don't know that much about him.
Let me ask you a few questions.
What kind of car do you drive? A pickup truck.
Oh, can we drive around and have Joey in the back like a dog? I've already agreed to that.
Okay.
Will you take me to a nice restaurant? What constitutes a nice restaurant? Ketchup in a bottle.
All the crackers I want.
Do you need a salad bar? I am not the queen of England.
I know a place.
All right.
Pick me up at 7:00.
- So, you and Gina, huh? - Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something.
That is my sister.
Okay? If you do anything to upset her, you're gonna get the beating of a lifetime.
And then she's gonna come after me.
Hello again, Mr.
Tobin.
Thanks very much for coming.
Yeah.
Can we make this quick? Every minute I am not conducting research is a crushing blow to science.
Now, I really don't understand why you had to bring a lawyer into this.
Actually, I'm here as an impartial mediator, not as either party's attorney.
But you are an attorney, so I was correct.
Michael did bring a lawyer into this, Q.
E.
D.
- Which law school, by the way? - Pepperdine.
Oh, in that case I should explain: "Q.
E.
D.
" is a term All right, let's just start the mediation.
First of all, I would like you each to state your claim to the material in question.
Well, why don't I go first, and then Michael can just steal what I say? That's, uh, that's tough talk coming from the guy who thought that impregnating a ceramic with aerosolized metal would increase porousness without losing strength.
Let's not get personal here.
You know what? He's right.
The point of mediation is to resolve the dispute in a calm and peaceful way.
Which we'd have a chance of doing if we had a real lawyer here.
I am a real lawyer, Mr.
Tobin.
Oh, is Ally McBeal getting a little flustered? You know what? Forget the mediation.
Fine.
I suggest you get a lawyer because you're gonna need one.
God, that guy has got to be a virgin.
- Careful.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
- Glen.
Where have you been? I know.
I'm sorry.
Gina kept me out late again last night, but listen, I am here now.
I'm all yours.
Okay, all right.
Did you get my schedule and my phone list? Oh, no.
No, no.
I left them over at Gina's.
Glen, hero to zero.
Hey, you left these papers.
I thought you might need them.
- Hi.
- Oh, good.
My schedule.
Great.
No, no, no, Glen.
This doesn't make any sense.
You got me bathing every day?! What are you trying to do, dissolve me? You know, I'll revise it.
Hey, will you get me a glass of water? It's all the way in the kitchen.
Won't you miss me? I will, but I'll be liking the view.
Oh, Joey, do you want something to drink? Yes, a banana milkshake, please.
I got to say, I am not loving your effect on Glen.
I can't help it.
I'm intoxicating.
Many men have been unable to do their jobs after dating me.
Oh, how sad for the people who wanted to buy drugs from them.
I can't believe this.
He was the perfect assistant! A few dates with you, and he's broken! This isn't gonna work.
What, just 'cause he's a little distracted, I can't go out with? Yeah.
He really helps me, okay? He does my errands, he helps me memorize the script.
Do you know how much easier it is to act when you know your lines? Look, I need Glen to be totally focused on my needs.
Hey, I had to make it with skim milk.
I hope you don't mind.
Hey, Michael, listen, uh, we need to have some kind of proof that you and Seth came up with this idea together, so I need you to remember everyhting About that day.
No detail is too small.
Okay, all right.
We were sitting at the kitchen table talking about polymers.
Seth insisted on keeping all the notes on his precious laptop.
It's hard to remember the details, 'cause Joey kept throwing stuff at us and calling us nerds.
Yeah, I threw some pretty hard stuff at you guys.
Wait, Joey was here? - We have an eyewitness.
- You're right.
Joey, do you remember anything Seth and I said? Oh, I remember everything.
Actors are trained to observe.
That's great.
Okay, take us through everything you saw.
Okay.
Um, I was sitting right here watching a rerun of The A-Team while you guys were over there talking.
And then Michael said, "Blah, blah, blah, science stuff.
" Andd then Mr.
T said, "I ain't getting on no plane!" And then, Michael said, "Blah, blah, blah.
" And then Seth said, "I pity the fool.
" Oh, wait that might've been Mr.
T.
All right! So the factthat you were here is useless.
No, not exactly.
Uh, Seth will remember that Joey was here, right? Oh, I think so.
I beaned him, like, right here with a battery.
Okay, but Seth doesn't know that you don't remember anything, so we'll bluff and say that you do.
All you have to do is stand there and look thoughtful.
Oh, okay, I just need to think of something to give me that serious face.
What's seven times nine? Perfect.
Joey Tribbiani's phone.
And what may I say this is regarding? I can't remember.
Hello? No, I don't know what time I'm supposed to be there.
Well, my regular assistant isn't here, and the temp I've got isn't working out.
Let me call my assistant, and I'll call you back, okay? I can't believe it.
He turned his cell phone off.
I'll kill him for you.
He's over at Gina's.
I bet she had him turn it off.
This is ridiculous.
I'm going over there.
Bet they'll be surprised to see us.
I'm dropping you off at the bank.
I hate it there! Glen.
Publicity called to set up an interview.
I need my schedule.
- Oh, I'll go get it.
- No, you are on a date.
- Well, I need it.
- He is not your slave.
Glen, tell her she's wrong.
Joey, why didn't you call me about this earlier? Well, I tried to, but your cell phone's off.
What? I didn't turn it off.
I don't see how that could've Gina, you can't take an assistant's cell phone.
It's like taking a scalpel away from a surgeon.
Except surgeons don't have to help my brother build forts.
Okay, you know what? I think I'm in the middle of some weird family stuff.
I'm just going to go get the schedule.
Good.
Thanks a lot, Joey.
Now I'm going to have to watch Sister Act by myself.
You are unbelievable.
I told you how much Glen means to me.
- Well, I like him, too.
- You don't like him.
You just want to be with him because I told you not to.
You'll be tired of him in a week.
Maybe I won't be tired of him.
What does that mean? It means that I might maybe kind of really like him.
Yeah? Glen is different.
You know, when we went to the video store, he held the door open for me.
- For you? - I know.
You know, and between you and me, I don't think he was that into Sister Act, but he let me choose.
And he didn't even glance at the porn section, which I happen to find very respectful.
I don't know He's a good guy.
I'm not used to that.
Feels kind of nice.
Okay, you know what? You can have him.
Oh, but you need him, too.
No, no.
It's about time you had a healthy relationship.
Oh, like you're one to talk.
I am.
Yeah? How's your wife, by the way? Ah, sadly, my wife has not been born yet.
All we're asking Seth to do is sign this affidavit that says they both worked on the project.
And why would we sign this? Because someone was present when Michael and Seth together invented the material in question.
A secret eyewitness: Joey Tribbiani.
Joey Tribbiani.
I'm sorry.
What'd we say my cue was? Just come out now.
So I suggest you sign the affidavit right now.
Before we sign, we'd like to hear what your witness has to say.
And why is that necessary? Because he might be bluffing.
Oh, really B luffing I don't think so.
Please.
Okay, Joey, why don't you prove to these people beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are not bluffing.
Michael, let's hold hands.
Ah, yes, I remember the day very well.
Especially the science stuff.
A lot of numbers were used.
Six, 12, 14- all the usual suspects.
I knew it.
He doesn't remember anything.
He probably went to Pepperdine.
Whoa, hold on, there, buddy.
I may not be the smartest guy you'll ever meet, but I didn't go to Pepperdine.
I think we've heard enough.
Well, this is just great.
Hey, hey, wait a second, you guys.
I just thought of something.
Oh, what is it, the theme song to The A-Team? No.
Watch this.
Well, I'll tell you what I do remember.
Michael and Seth were stuck on something, so they got up to take a walk.
I looked over at Seth's computer, hoping to find a video game.
Instead, I started opening files and found something much more naughty.
You touched my computer? What did you find? Something erotic.
Some might say deviant.
Should I just tell everyone, or should I write it down so it can be entered in the permanent record? No, okay, I'll sign; you win.
Don't you wanna hear what he has to say? No, I remember now.
Michael and I invented it together.
It's fine.
What did you find on his computer? Nothing.
I was I was bluffing.
But I really want to see it now.
You were bluffing? That was brilliant! How did you know that would work? Please, every guy has a disgusting folder on his computer.
There's nothing disgusting on my computer.
Oh, really- why don't you check a file called "Joey's tax stuff"? Uh, look, it's it's been a little awkward having to share you with Gina, but I think I've worked something out that's in everyone's best interest.
I'm letting you go.
That's in my best interest? I don't have a job? Hey, I just lost my assistant.
Let's not play the "who's got it worst game".
Wait, this is crazy.
I can do both.
We can work out some guidelines if you two could just be reasonable.
That's never going to happen.
Come on, I'm serious, all right? As long as we're clear about what everyone expects, this doesn't have to be a problem.
I guess we could talk about a way to share him.
Well, obviously, I'd get him during the week.
That's fine, if I can get him nights and weekends.
Well, what about the holidays? You get him at Thanksgiving, I get him at Christmas.
- Actually, I have a family.
- Glen, please.
Oh, and another thing.
When you guys are over here, no kissing.
And when we're out, no prank-calling him.
I don't know what you're talking about but I will pass it along to SeƱor Fartez.
Well, it seems like we got some guidelines.
Yeah, we can make this work.
Well, we should celebrate.
Hey, Glen, why don't you run down to the store and get us some champagne? Actually, it's, uh, past 5:00, so it's, uh Gina time.
Glen, why don't you run down to the store and get us some champagne? Now make yours do it.
Bobbie, first of all, his name is Glen.
Second, I don't make my assistant do tricks.
It's not the kind of boss I am.
I just don't think of him as an employee, I think of him as a friend.
Thanks, Joey.
Even though the robot is a fun dance and I do enjoy watching it especially when done skillfully.
Come on, Jason, get in there! Now fight!