Joey s01e14 Episode Script

Joey and the Premiere

Okay, guys, family meeting.
You think of me as family? Oh, hey, Alex, didn't see you there.
As you all know, my new show Deep Powder is premiering next week- my official unveiling as a big-time celebrity- and someone gets to come with me to the party as my guest.
Just one of us? Unfortunately, this is such an exclusive event I can only bring one person.
We're going to have a little competition.
Each one of you is going to give a speech and state your case.
Now, whoever's most convincing will get to come with me.
Who's going to go first? Joey, you should pick me because I've loved you, supported you, and Michael's socially awkward, and Alex can't hold her liquor.
Good points, good points.
Okay, who's next? All right.
- Well, statistically - Thank you very much, Michael.
You are the most wonderful man I've ever met.
When I look into your eyes, I see the person that I want to be.
You're my light when it's dark, my umbrella when it rains.
I love you, Eric.
Are those your wedding vows? Yeah, it was all I could think of to say.
- You know, I sing the next part.
- Thank you, Alex.
Joey, this is silly.
You know we all want to go.
You shouldn't have to choose between us.
Yeah, you're one of the stars.
They might be able to bend the rules for you.
You know, I am the star of the show.
I'm sure she'll give me the tickets.
All right! This is so exciting.
We're going to a big premiere.
I know, it's going to be great, huh? But let's set a couple of ground rules first, okay? No science talk.
No autographs.
You, no drinking, no cursing, no fighting, no spitting, no You guys might want to go.
We're going to be a while.
Got my tux.
How are you doing with the tickets? Not so good.
I was going to call my boss a while ago, but I started playing Tetris, and I couldn't put it down.
Oh! Check it out, though.
I got to level two.
That's not very good.
Yeah, I don't understand the game.
Hey, it's, uh, Joey Tribbiani calling for Lauren.
Hi, Joey.
Listen, I got some questions about the party.
No, you cannot have extra tickets.
All right, look, I didn't want to have to do this, but you don't give me some more tickets, I'm going to cause some problems onstage.
You already have.
You were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago.
Well, I'm on my way.
The light's green, buddy! Look, Lauren, come on, come on.
I need some more tickets.
It's important.
Joey, the rules are simple.
You get one non-transferable ticket and you can bring one guest- that's it.
Oh, can you hold on one second? Oh, I have to take this, Joey.
Can you please hold? Sure, but then I have more questions about the party.
Do they all involve tickets? No, one is a lengthy food request.
Just please hold.
You know what? We broke up already.
You can stop doing this.
What? You know, I am so sad for you because you are losing the most hygienic woman you'll ever be with.
Fine! Good-bye! Joey, I'm back.
Wow, either you pressed the wrong button, or your hold music is a lady yelling at her boyfriend.
Oh, my God, you heard that conversation? Oh, yeah.
"Hygienic girlfriend," huh? How's that play out in the bedroom? Oh, I had him use this medical grade cleanser You know what, I don't talk about my private life with people that I work with.
I cannot give you any extra tickets, but I can consider your food request.
- What is it? - A fried shark.
Good-bye, Joey.
We just went shopping for our outfits for the premiere.
We're so excited.
You got to see these dresses we got.
Tell him what you said about mine.
I said, "That is the sluttiest thing I've ever seen.
" And out came the credit card.
Yeah, you know, I was excited about the premiere, too.
But then I realized it's the same night these Del Taco coupons expire.
Well, I still have to go to the party, but you guys don't, so, whoo.
Don't be crazy.
We want to be there for you.
What do you think? Doesn't he look handsome? He sure does! Man, have I got a fast food joint for you to wear that to.
Joey, is something wrong? Okay, look, about the premiere.
The thing is The limo's coming at 6:00.
Oh, my God! - Is it a stretch? - Better.
It's a stretch Humvee, eh? With champagne and a hot tub and a butler.
Is the show paying for all of that? I doubt it.
- Bodie! - 'Sup, bro?! Hey, listen, are you bringing anyone to the premiere party? 'Cause I need some extra tickets.
Ah, sorry, bro.
I'm bringing my mom.
Dude, that is so lame.
You don't want to bring your mom.
You want to bring my married neighbor.
Dude, I didn't even know that was an option.
Man, I'm such a loser! Hey, Joey! Hey guy.
It's Martin.
I'm your NBC executive.
You think I don't know your name, Martin? Hey, so, did you get tickets to the premiere? Yeah, but I'm not going.
I'm not really up for it.
Martin not at a party? You're the reason everyone's excited about it! Come on, Marty.
It'll be fun, and I got the perfect date for you.
Okay, all right, fine, I'll go.
Who's the date? I got a couple options.
What are you looking for tonight? What's any guy looking for? - My sister it is.
- Okay.
Hey, guys, listen up.
You know those tickets we got to the premiere? Well, I thought to make it more fun we could go with my co-workers.
You mean you offered us up as dates without telling us? - What? - No, no, no.
I would never do that.
We're each going to pair off and have a buddy for the night.
And then maybe, as a goof, we'll make out with them.
Come on, this guy's great.
He was very excited about you.
Why? What'd you tell him I would do? Eh, let's see what he looks like.
Hey! How's it going? Michael and Gina, this is Martin and Carla.
Oh, it's a pleasure.
I'm having some difficulties with my dress.
Would you be kind enough to let me know if a boob pops out? Ssure.
At last, a true gentleman.
We better get going; don't want to be late.
Hi, I'm Michael.
I guess you and I Michael, a word, please.
You're actually my date tonight.
Then who's going to be her date? Hello! Sorry I'm late.
Alex, this is Carla.
Carla, this is Alex, the girl I was telling you about.
- Yes, you were.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh, you're friendly.
Okay, let's get going.
We don't want to be late.
Joey, did you set Alex up with a lesbian? Yeah.
You couldn't find a guy for her? Oh, no, I could've.
I just thought this would be funnier.
Oh, my God.
This place looks incredible! I know, huh? Can you believe this is the set? Oh, uh, right over here is where I delivered this amazing monologue where I tell my daughter that her mother died, and it may have been my fault.
The whole crew was crying.
And then right here on this tree is where I taped the script so I wouldn't have to memorize it, eh? So, Martin, want to go see how open this bar really is? - I don't really drink.
- Oh, boy.
But only because I'm on too many prescription medications.
And I'm back on board.
Come on, Alex, I want to go show you off to everyone.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds like fun.
Let's go.
Joey, Publicity needs you for a cast photo.
Oh, God, do I have to? Mom, would you leave it alone? It's fine! Gunnar, what are you doing here? They hired me back.
But your character's dead.
Ever heard of a ghost, jackass? Ever hear of a breath mint, jackass? Hey, I'm Anna.
Hi, I'm Michael; nice to meet you.
You look so familiar.
I swear I've seen you on TV.
You probably recognize me from the 1994 Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee.
Sixth place.
Went out on "engastrimythic.
" Oh, you're smart.
I like that.
I was thinking about getting a drink at the bar.
Well say hi to it for me.
Boy, Michael, I thought you lost her with that spelling bee stuff, but then you saved it with that "say hi to the bar"?! She just came over and started talking to me.
Should I get her a drink, or am I supposed to compliment her? Relax, Michael.
She's already into you, okay? And I've looked around.
It doesn't seem to be a practical joke, so I say go for it.
- Oh, my God.
- What? It's Brent Spiner.
Who? He played Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation.
It's, like, my favorite show of all time! Oh, my God, I got to go talk to him.
No, you have to go talk to the girl.
What should I do? I mean, should I get him a drink or should I compliment him, or? I don't know how to pick up Brent Spiner! Wow, Lauren, you look beautiful.
If you weren't my boss, I'd be having some thoughts right now.
Whoop- there they are.
Ooh, who's your friend? Thanks, I guess.
You look really nice too, except your bow tie is a little bit crooked, and if you don't fix it, I may have to leave this conversation.
Okay, okay, okay, how's that? Good.
I'm sorry I was so tough on the tickets.
I hope your friends weren't too disappointed.
Hey, the rules are the rules, right? As much as they wanted to come, they'll just have to sit at home like the other 20,000 people and watch.
That would be the lowest rated show on network TV.
We'd all be fired.
Then I have made a terrible wish on a shooting star.
Oh, my God, what is my ex-boyfriend doing here? The guy from the phone? What is Martin doing here?! Uh, do you mean that Martin, or a Martin behind him? And look at that woman he's with.
And look at her dress! What is this, the Adult Video Awards?! Uh, well, hey, forget that.
Look over there! Is that the words Deep Powder spelled out in shrimp? Martin, what are you doing here? We agreed you weren't going to come tonight.
I wasn't going to, but then I was told that everybody wanted me here.
- Who told you that?! - He did! Oh, really? And did he provide the skank, as well? Oh, Lauren, have you not met my sister Gina? Why did you convinceMartin to come tonight? Okay, I don't want to blame you, but none of this would have happened if you'd have given me the extra tickets.
Oh, so now this is my fault that Martin's here with this Call me a skank again and I will pound on you so hard, you will swell up to normal size.
Speaking of size, whatever you paid for your breasts, it was too much.
Oh, really? $500 is too much? Guys, guys, guys, come on, come on.
Look, Lauren, how was I supposed to know he was your boyfriend? You're way too good for this guy.
But he's good enough for me? Yes! Unbelievable.
Thanks a lot, Martin.
You know, you could've told me she was your ex.
Gina, you know that thing I told him you were gonna do? Forget it! We'll see.
Lieutenant Commander Data, sir sensors indicate we are go for party.
One day.
Just one day without this- that's all I ask.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just I had to come and talk to you, because your character helped me get through a very awkward period in my life.
Starting when I was 14 and ending well, hopefully sometime in the next couple years, but Can I just ask you a few questions? Look, look, look, you you seem like a nice guy.
You can ask me about any of the plays or films I've been in.
I'd be happy to talk to you about art, music, literature I'd just I'd rather not talk about Star Trek.
Oh So, what were the Ferengi like? so, you know, I love working on the show, but my true passion is trying to bring women's field hockey to the 2008 Olympic Games.
Wow! You are so interesting! I really like you.
I really like you, too.
Gosh, you know, it's just so hard to find a good girlfriend.
But this feels kinda right.
Yeah! - Do you want to dance? - Okay, girlfriend! Oh, we're doing this now.
Michael, oh, I thought that was you.
Well, aren't you a sexy little fancy man? Well, Joey didn't tell me you'd be here.
Oh, he didn't tell me that you'd be here.
You know, if he had, I wouldn't have brought Data.
Look, Bobbie, come on.
You're my agent.
You know I don't like that.
I was just telling him I don't want to talk about Data.
You listen to me, Mr.
Michael is a fan, and if he wants you to be Data, then you be Data.
If he wants you to be R2-D2, then I want to hear blippedy-blop-squark.
Now, I'm going to give you boys a chance to talk.
And one day, you'll return the favor hard.
Look, if, uh if you don't want to talk about Star Trek No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
She's right.
Sit down.
Please, just what do you want to know? Seriously? Well, uh, I've always wondered about your evil twin brother Lore.
When you I mean, when he when Lore God, I've practiced this in front of a mirror so many times.
Can you just excuse me for one second, Mr.
Spiner? Call me Brent.
Call you Brent.
- Hey, how's it going? - I thought you'd left.
No, I wouldn't leave, when a woman of such great pulchritude was here.
Pulchritude- that's, uh, a word I spelled in a competition once.
That's P-U-L-C-H-R Spelling is totally hot.
Totally hot.
Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, Brent's leaving.
The guy from Independence Day? Yeah, Independence Day, good.
That's good.
I'll be right back.
Howdy, boys.
Bobbie, hey.
Thanks so much for coming.
I got an advance copy of the show.
You were fabulous.
Really? Yeah.
I laughed my ass off.
It's a drama.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Hey, Lauren, look, the show's about to start in five minutes.
I want to make sure we're okay about the whole Martin thing.
You are the most frustrating human being I have ever met.
Okay, four minutes, 40 seconds, you're not crying I think I can make an apology in time.
You know, I just didn't expect to see him tonight, and it's completely thrown me off.
Why couldn't you just stick to the one-ticket rule? You ever think that maybe you have too many rules? - No.
- Really? You don't think you're wound a little tight? No.
Well, now, what do you think of, I don't know, this? - Don't do that.
- Don't do what? Stop it! Look at that.
You proved me wrong.
You know, I just like things to be just so, but I don't expect you to underand.
I mean, this shirt is wrinkled; your hair's a mess; you got a hangnail.
You know, I need a lint brush! Todd! - Hey, hey! - What? Why did you do that? To calm you down.
Oh, my God, it worked.
Do it again.
But what about my germs? I'll boil my face later.
I felt like the way that the show explored the nature of the android, it really said a lot about what it means to be human.
You know, I never thought of it that way.
I was too busy hitting on Klingon extras- which, let me tell you, is risky business.
Till that makeup comes off, you don't know what you're getting.
Hey, I'm going to take off, but I was wondering, do you want to come back to my place, have a drink? Yes.
Hey, I'm going to hit the road.
You know, I I don't know if you'd be interested, but, I keep an old spacesuit in the car to impress women.
You want to see it? I'm sorry, uh, I'm really going to have to go with Brent.
She was like a Deltan and a Betazoid all rolled into one.
You got that right, brother.
Are we making a mista ke? Lauren, Lauren We work so good together.
I don't want to mess that up.
Come on, loosen up.
You're wound too tight.
Okay, look, look this would be amazing, but this is the most important job I've had in my life, and I hate to say it, but some things are more important than sex.
I may be the first Tribbiani in history to ever say that.
You're right.
I was the one with the rule about no on-set romances, and look at me.
Oh, I'm looking at you.
You know, technically, we're really not on set.
Look, okay, I can't talk you out of this twice.
Let's get out of here.
Come on, Captain Patter, you got to run! The bomb's going to explode! Oh, there you are.
You just missed your first scene.
You are so good- I mean, I could kind of tell you were talking to the tree, but it works.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I am so proud of you.
The show is good.
Oh, God! Hey, could you keep it down? Well, I am not going to keep it down.
That's my client.
He's the funniest thing in this.
You could teach my husband a thing or two about dancing.
- You're married? - Yeah.
Great! My last girlfriend was married.
I'll never go through that again.
Why can't I be married and still have you as a girlfriend? Wouldn't you feel like you're living a lie? Yeah, I guess, a little.
You call me when you're ready to be honest with yourself.
Wait! Are we till going to Napa this weekend?