Joey s01e13 Episode Script

Joey and the Taste Test

Lasagna looks good.
Oh, I cannot wait, huh, Michael? Eh.
I just don't get that excited about food, you know? If I could take a pill once a day instead of eating, I'd be happy.
If they make that, I get your food.
All right then I get your pill.
Yeah, you just try to take it.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Alex.
Mom made some lasagna.
You want to join us? Oh, no, that's okay.
I have a healthy frozen dinner in the microwave.
It only has four grams of Oh, God, real food! What kind of piece would you like? What do you mean? Are there different kinds? All right, class is in session.
There are four distinct types of lasagna pieces, okay? In the corners are the corner pieces, also known as The Joey.
And you have the edge pieces here, here, here and here.
And we have the middle.
And what's the fourth kind? The piece with Mom's hair in it.
And today there's a fifth kind.
I lost my nail in there.
Um, I guess I'll have a middle.
Oh, she would go for that, hmm? Are they talking about me in Italian? They can't speak Italian.
They just like to pretend they can.
Tadagio! Gina, this is incredible.
You got to teach me how to make this.
Dear God, look at her.
I know.
It's, it's disgusting.
I love you.
And action.
I don't know if I can do this.
I haven't been with anyone since my wife died three weeks ago.
I think I can make you happy.
He's fragile here.
I need you to look into his eyes.
Here, I'll show you.
Uh, ooh, ooh.
Gloves! It should be like this.
I think I can make you happy.
Hey, you have freckles.
Joey, focus.
I think I can make you happy.
I want to be happy.
Then let me do this.
I want it more like that.
Yeah, that was good.
Do it like that.
And then we'll end the scene with your daughter running in and interrupting you.
Okay, so why don't we all take five, and then we'll come back and finish shooting the scene.
And Joey, "five" does not mean five hours.
You made that clear yesterday; thank you.
I didn't like watching you be all flirty with Lauren.
Come on.
You know I only have eyes for my daughter.
Joey, can I see you for a minute? Yeah.
Excuse me.
So, you and Katie- what's going on there? Oh, well, I'm a gentleman, so let's just say I'm still circling the airport, but I have been given permission to land.
I'm going to leave you hanging on that one.
So, look, Joey, I've worked on a lot of shows before, and romances between costars never work.
This isn't a problem.
I know how to handle women.
It's the thing I'm second best at in the world.
What's the first? Acting.
It's just that this kind of thing can get messy.
I've seen it happen before.
If it's that important to you, I'll break it off with Katie.
Thank you.
But, hey, if I promise to discontinue service to this airport, can I make one emergency landing? - Hey.
- Hi.
What's going on? I am teaching Alex how to make sauce.
She is going to make a lasagna.
Eric's back in town tonight, so I'm going to make it for him.
Oh, right, your husband, yeah.
Say, when you're ready, I got some questions about why he's away so much.
Yeah, okay, I'm not ready.
What are you doing? You said to put a teaspoon in.
Just go like this.
God, you have got to loosen up.
Cooking comes from the heart.
It is passionate, sensual.
You got to let go of everything.
Come on, let's do some hip rolls.
You seen enough? - Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
Look, Lauren saw us together, and she thinks it's a bad idea.
What? She's against on-set romance, even if the resulting sex is guaranteed to be satisfying and vigorous.
That's terrible.
I know this is hard.
It's hard for me, too, but she's our boss.
We have to listen to her, okay? We have to stop.
Do we? Maybe not; what do you got? Well what if we're together, but it's a secret? Oh, I don't know.
Lauren seemed pretty serious.
Come on.
You are officially cleared for landing.
That is a strong argument.
All right, okay.
But, hey, listen, if we're going to be together in secret, we have to be really, really careful.
Well, it's not like Lauren's going to catch us.
She's going to be too busy washing her hands to notice.
Well, no one's watching us now, huh? Wait.
Is that camera on? Uh No.
I can tell when it's on.
Yeah, it's off.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Alex.
Hey, Gina, that lasagna turned out so well.
My husband loved it.
And I played with the recipe a tiny bit, added a secret ingredient, and I think it might have turned out better than the one you made.
She didn't mean better.
Better? I thought you said "different.
" Turned out better than mine? I didn't mean it as an insult.
You taught me.
You should be happy that I improved it.
Oh, she had such a pretty face.
I want to taste it.
- We ate it all.
- Make another one.
But you're just going to say it's not good.
Then we'll have a taste test, and they'll judge.
Exactly where I hoped this was going.
Wait a sec- "taste test"? Doesn't anyone here have a job? What do you say? We on? No, I'm not having a lasagna taste test.
Why? Is fear your secret ingredient.
You're on.
For a second there, I thought it wasn't going to happen, but then she said the thing, and now they're going to do it.
We were all here, Joey.
I'm going to go home and get started.
I'll get to the store.
I have to go buy my secret ingredient.
Oh, that's okay, 'cause if my grandmother didn't need it and my mother didn't need it, I don't need it.
Uh, you said the same thing about therapy.
I'm not sure you're right.
This is stupid.
I don't want to do a taste test.
Do this for me.
I help you with all your tests.
Well, that's just not true.
Come on, just play along.
No, it's not that.
I'm not going to be able to tell the difference, okay? All right, here's what we'll do.
Just pick the lasagna I pick.
I'll know which is which.
- Yeah, but - No, no, no.
I have a secret weapon- a very finely-tuned instrument which is able to pick up the most subtle flavor differences.
I'll show you, I'll show you.
Go ahead, just put anything in my mouth.
Go ahead.
Oh, that's a good one.
That's it, Brian, thank you.
Okay, let's set up for the scene with the bear.
Oh, hey, Katie.
Didn't notice you there.
Joey, I'd like to see you in my office, please.
I just went there! What is going on with you two? What? She wants to see you in her office, and yesterday there was that scene she was just "helping" you with.
I saw the way you were looking at her.
I was acting.
You're not that good of an actor.
Am I the only one who thinks I'm good?! What's up? So, you and Katie had a little talk? Yup.
I'm having a hard time believing you broke up with her.
Oh, are you talking about when we were just together on the side of the cabin, when I was helping her get that splinter out of her tongue? Let me show you something, Joey.
I have a live feed of the stage.
I guess it's showoff time.
This is where you were standing yesterday when you and Katie decided to have a secret relationship.
But I looked at the camera.
The red "off" light was on.
I also heard you laughing about how Lauren will never know 'cause she'll be too busy washing her hands.
I was a little late because I was in the bathroom washing my hands, but I got the gist.
Look, I'm sorry; we messed up.
But the thing is, we're both adults, okay? And if we think we can handle this, isn't that our decision? I mean, as long as it doesn't affect the show.
Katie has locked herself in her dressing room and she won't come out because she says she hates Joey.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
The prop guy's picking his nose.
Okay, let's see if I can get her out.
You have to.
We're supposed to be shooting a very expensive scene right now.
I know guys like you.
When a woman is upset, you have ways of calming her down, so do it.
Listen, Lauren, this is gonna be okay.
- Not to me! - Right, right, right.
When you knock, I have to knock.
Katie, honey, it's me, Joey.
Go away.
Where's your girlfriend, Lauren? She's right here.
She's not my girlfriend.
I don't find her attractive at all.
Lauren, we have got to get started.
The crew's about to go into overtime, and if we wait much longer, we are gonna have to feed the bear.
We're using a real bear? I thought it was a guy in a suit.
I kicked him.
Just give me a minute.
You have got to get her out of there.
But what happens if I can't? Well, I'd have to check, but I'm pretty sure you'll be fired.
Wait a minute.
Oh, wait.
I know someone who can help us.
Hey, Bobbie, it's Joey.
Listen, I got myself into a situation.
It's bad.
Here's the game plan.
Flush the drugs, throw the gun in the river.
We'll tell everyone it was exhaustion.
No, no, no, no.
I need you to come down to the set.
I've been seeing my daughter on the show, and she locked herself in her dressing room, and now we can't do the scene with the bear.
Every time I'm about to give up on this business, something wonderful like this happens.
- I'll be right there.
- Okay.
- Who was that? - My agent, Bobbie.
If anyone can get her out of there, it's her.
She is an amazing negotiator.
That's how she got me such a great contract on this show.
It feels good to laugh.
All right.
Let's set up this taste test.
Michael, turn around.
I'm gonna mix them up, so you can't tell which one is whose.
I, uh, wrote my name on the bottom of mine.
Well, how will we know which one is mine? That would be the one without Alex's name on the bottom.
I hate being the dumbest one in the room.
Where's Joey? I don't know.
Let me call him.
- Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani.
- Say it while you can.
Joey, where are you? The taste test is about to start.
Hey, Lauren, is there any way you can handle this for a few hours while I go and judge a lasagna taste test? Yeah, it's not looking good.
Oh! Put your mother on.
-Ma? - Hello.
- Gina, you're a crazy woman.
- Uh-huh.
I got this high-strung girl who's locked herself in her dressing room.
What should I do? Well, how much has she had to drink? She hasn't had anything.
Well, then what are you asking me for? That's very helpful, Gina.
I got to go.
Well, are you coming to the taste test or not? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- You are not coming? - He's not coming? - Get over here! - Hang up the phone! - Get away from my door.
- What is wrong with you? Take a breath, ladies! Okay.
Where are they? Oh.
Bobbie, thank God.
Sorry it took me so long.
They've been reluctant to let me on the lot since I punched David Caruso.
Hello, Bobbie.
For a second there, I thought the bear had gotten loose.
And I thought I'd dropped one of my earrings.
Do you two have some kind of history? We dated the same guy.
That dude does not have a clear type.
So what's the problem? Katie still won't come out of her dressing room.
Well, don't you worry.
I know how to deal with crazy actors.
You just smile and tell them what they want to hear.
Okay, you think you can help me? Absolutely.
Katie, it's Bobbie Morgenstern.
- The agent? - The super agent.
Entertainment Weekly's 12th-most-powerful woman in Hollywood.
Now, Katie, I know you don't want to talk to Joey, but if you could just give me a minute, maybe I can help you out here.
She's tiny, too.
Maybe I could pick you both up and have you talk to each other.
So, 67, huh? - No small talk.
- Yeah.
- Great news.
- She's coming out? No.
I signed her as a client.
You did what? That's right.
My client, Katie, demands that you fire Joey.
But if you fire my client, Joey, I'll destroy you.
Isn't this a conflict of interest? Oh, no.
They'll send me to agent jail.
Lauren, we are now hemorrhaging money.
We either need to start shooting or shut down for the day.
Should I tell everyone to go home? No.
Tell everybody to stand by.
Oh, I have an idea.
She wants to be with you, so we have to make you seem unappealing to her.
Lauren, I don't think we have that kind of time.
I'll tell you what to say, and you just say it.
Okay, uh Uh, Katie, I have something to say to you.
I really care about you, but there are some things I have to confess.
I'm cheap and selfish.
You'll tell me intimate things, and I won't listen.
That's actually true.
- I'm not saying that.
- Do it! And I can't land at your airport, 'cause my plane doesn't work.
Oh, oh.
And if I'm being completely honest, I hate your Chihuahua.
We're through.
Okay, Lauren, I'm ready to do this.
Come on, Carrie Bradshaw.
Okay, let's do this, okay? Yeah.
We just got to get through the scene, all right? Knock on wood.
It's just fun.
Stop it.
All right.
I haven't had anything to eat since I got in the car.
Bring on the lasagna! Look, we got a problem, all right? They wouldn't let me wait any longer, you weren't here, so I had to choose.
Oh, no.
Whose did you pick? So, now Mom's so upset, she locked herself in the bathroom.
Should you be in the bathroom? So you got to get her out of there.
I can't do it.
I already talked one woman out of a locked room today.
She can stay in there as far as I'm concerned.
She's flushing the lasagnas down the toilet.
Gina, honey.
Come out and talk.
Not until I flush every piece of this lasagna down your toilet.
Gina Punzo? She's a punzo.
Look, Gina, what do you even care what Michael thinks, huh? He'd rather take a pill than eat your lasagna.
Let someone who loves food decide.
So if you pick me, I'm the real winner? Yes.
And I can rub it in Alex's face? Yeah, but you won't get to, 'cause it ain't gonna go down like that, bi-atch! All right, let's settle this.
Hey, Ma.
Sleep with one eye open, Michael.
One eye open.
So, you sure you can pick Mom's? I can't have her mad at me like this.
This is Okay, don't worry.
I have never been let down by the old taster.
Bear? All right, Michael, watch a master at work.
I pick that one.
That is the best lasagna.
There's no name on the bottom.
Whose the hell is this? Oh.
It's mine.
I made that! Damn it.
I actually thought mine was good.
You know what? I tasted some of your lasagna before I flushed it down the toilet.
It was good.
Well, thanks.
And you're a terrible winner, which I really respect.
Thank God you picked Mom's.
You know, it's incredible that your tongue can do that.
They tasted exactly the same to me.
Me, too.
Why were you so confident? Because I got the piece with her hair in it.
Come in.
You wanted to see me? Oh.
Since you're gonna be working with a lot of actresses, I just wanted to make sure that you learned your lesson about dating people on the set.
Oh, yeah, I really did.
It will never happen again.
But just to be safe, cast some ugly women.
Oh, Joey, if this show doesn't have good-looking actors, we don't have anything.
Hey, Lauren, look, I know I was a problem yesterday, but I just wanted to say it was really cool working together, you know.
You telling me the right thing to say, me saying it.
- We'd make a good team.
- Yeah.
You know, this may sound crazy, but I was just wondering do you maybe want to do someing sometime? - Is this a test? - Yes.
What should I say? Lauren, you are a beautiful, brilliant woman, but it wouldn't be right.
We work together.
That's a shame, Joey, 'cause I want you so bad.
What are you gonna do? SYNCHRO: JEANSWEY- transcript RaceMan