Joey s01e19 Episode Script

Joey and the Fancy Sister

All right, so, here's your schedule for today.
And listen, you got a letter from a fan with a naked picture in it.
I'm gonna need to see that.
I pre-screened this one.
It's pretty rough.
Glen, if a fan of mine went to the trouble to Whoa-hah! Wow, he's hairy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, sexy.
- Hey, Gina.
As her boyfriend, um, I'm actually going to take that one.
Really? Sexy? Okay.
Uh, where were we? Ah, my call sheet.
Right, so, oh, your sister Mary Teresa called.
She's all set for her visit this weekend.
That is this weekend.
I can't stand her.
Wait, I can never keep my Tribbiani women straight.
Mary Teresa's the one with the mustache, right? No, no, that's Cookie.
Or Tina.
Cousin Marie, Grandma No, Mary Teresa is the fancy one.
She thinks she is so much classier than me.
Gina, she's family, all right? She'll stay here with me.
It'll be fine, okay? I know how to control the Tribbiani women.
There's a trick with each one of them.
Veronica? Food.
Dina? Shoes.
Cookie? Four, maybe five police officers.
Huh? Huh? Oh, yeah? And what trick do you use on me? You think I could trick someone who looks that good and has an adult son? A son who's a genius.
Aw, you guys.
Wait a sec mom, they just totally Michael.
Oh, my God! Hey, I just checked the board.
Uh, Mary Teresa's plane is here! Why are you so excited? I don't get why everyone treats her like she's so special.
She's the baby in the family.
No, Dina's the baby.
They're only nine months apart.
Weren't all you guys nine months apart? Yeah.
Mom was in a medical journal.
You know, I don't even think I'd recognize Mary Teresa if I saw her.
Oh, she'll be the one talking about her swimming pool.
I bet she mentions that pool three times before we get to the car.
I'll take that bet.
How much? $21.
The exact cost of a case of Rolling Rock? That's right.
I can't believe this is taking so long.
I got to get home.
There's a girl meeting me at the apartment.
Hey No, no, she's delivering something for my aquarium.
I'll bet she is.
No, no, she's she works at the fish store on Pico.
Yeah, she does.
Seriously, stop.
Oh, there she is, there she is.
And the moral of that story is, I love my pool.
Hey, Mary Teresa! Joey, my celebrity brother.
And Michael! What a good-looking man you've grown up to be.
And Gina are you okay? I'm tall and can eat whatever I want, so, yeah, I'm doing okay.
So, uh, how was your flight? Oh.
This stewardess said the funniest thing to me.
She said, "Where did you get that giant ring?" Oh, you got engaged? Walter proposed last week.
It was so romantic.
We were out by the pool.
He got down on one knee.
You see, Gina, ordinarily when a man proposes, Dad isn't holding the back of his neck saying, "Do it.
" Dad's face was pretty red.
Excuse me.
Hi, honey.
Yeah, just landed.
No, no, the switch for the patio lights is inside the pool house.
That's three.
Pay up.
No, I don't think that one counts.
- Judges? - That's a pool mention.
- What? I appeal.
- Denied.
I love your place.
How many square feet is it? Oh, I don't know, 1,600? That's so funny.
I just got a new Mercedes.
Anyway, uh, yeah, you're gonna stay here.
The couch pulls out, so Oh, Joey, I can't sleep on a pull-out couch.
Isn't my big brother gonna let me take his room? Come on, you're not seven anymore.
That's not going to work.
Pretty please? I love it.
Get up there! Hello.
Hey you.
Ha, ha, you tracked me down.
Look, I was gonna call you, but I lost your number.
Oh, Joelle.
You're here.
Hey, Michael.
I've, uh, got the black light for your aquarium.
Thank you.
Oh, you're the fish store girl.
I thought you were someone I slept with and never called back.
So some girl shows up, and you just assume you've hooked up with her? Well, it happens a lot.
It's kind of hard to keep track.
- We haven't? - No! You are missing out.
So thanks for bringing th over.
You know, I could have just come by the store to pick it up.
Oh, it was nothing.
Besides, I wanted to see where you live.
Why is the hot girl flirting with Michael? That's not very nice, and I have no idea.
So, um where is the aquarium? Uh, it's in my bedroom.
Ooh, can I see it? - Ooh.
- Ooh.
Uh, I'd rather not.
It's sort of my private space.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Well, thanks for coming by.
Oh, well, if you give me your number, I'll call you when the tiger fish come in.
Oh, that's all right.
I don't want to end up on a mailing list or anything.
I'll just call you at the store.
Uh, what the hell was that? What? It looks like you have an admirer.
Yeah, right.
Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my black light are gonna go blow some fishes' minds.
That explains why Michael didn't get all nervous around that girl.
He has no idea she's into him.
Well, you should tell him.
And then you should give him some pointers.
No, no, no, I've tried.
Every time I get involved, I put too much pressure on him, and he blows it.
I need to just leave him alone.
But he's your nephew.
Alex, the best thing I can do is just live my life in a sexual manner, and hope he learns by example.
Oh good, the maid's here.
Hola, we are out of towels! I thought I'd jump in the hot tub.
Anyone care to join me? Gina, can you even go in since you got those things? Of course I can.
In two more months.
Look at us.
When we were kids, who would have thought you'd end up on a big, prime-time show, and I'd end up engaged to the second most successful waterbed salesman in Bergen County? The second most successful? Oh, there's no shame in that.
Waterbed is an institution.
All right, well, uh, I'm gonna go inside.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Would you put my ring in your safe? Uh I don't have a safe, but, uh, I'll keep it right here in my pocket; it'll be fine.
My body repels engagement rings.
Joey, hit the switch.
I want to show you guys my black light.
Okay, sure.
Wow, this reminds me of Studio 54 in the '70s.
Wait, you were, like, ten years old.
So? Well, this is weird.
How come the stones in your bracelet are all lit up, but Mary Teresa's ring isn't? Under short-wave UV light, only real gemstones'll glow.
Wait a second.
Does that mean her diamond is fake? Oh, God, please let me have this.
I never ask you for anything! You always ask me for stuff.
Don't do that! You sound just like Him.
Yeah, you know, this isn't glowing at all.
This thing's fake.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Oh, happy day! I can't wait to tell her! Oh, no, you cannot tell her.
Why are you always trying to protect her? This is my chance to prove to her she is not fancy.
You're just gonna hurt her.
What do you stand to gain? I get to hurt her.
It's really something, isn't it? Mmm.
It is.
Walter won't tell me how much it cost, but he said I was worth every penny.
Oh, he's right.
You truly deserve this.
I think I'll have some wine before dinner.
I'd offer some to you, Gina, but I'm guessing you're already drunk.
I may drink, but at least I'm not dating someone who is constantly being mistaken for one of the Three Stooges.
Yeah, the best-looking one: Moe.
I know why you're being so petty.
You're just jealous because I have Walter, who buys me lovely things like this.
Buys? Or digs out of a cereal box? Okay! Why don't you two stop criticizing each other and criticize other members of the family, huh? Like, what about Tina, huh? What do we hate about her? Well she is pretty dumb.
Remember when we told her that jelly beans were diet pills? Oh, she got so fat.
And then when we told her that jelly beans were birth control pills? Oh, she got so pregnant.
She might be the dumbest Tribbiani.
Oh, yeah.
See? This is what I wanted.
You guys get along.
Look at us.
Hanging out, having fun.
No one's talking about Gina's drinking or Mary Teresa's fake ring.
This is great.
My fake what? I'm dumber than Tina! I can't believe my ring isn't real! What am I gonna find out next? That you're not the second largest waterbed salesman in Bergen County? Fourth?! Oh, I have to go to the bathroom so bad, but I don't want to leave.
Well, you don't have to worry about how much the wedding's gonna cost, 'cause there isn't gonna be a wedding.
And I'm keeping the Mercedes.
Leased?! I feel so bad.
Why'd I have to tell her about the ring? It serves her right.
Maybe she'll learn not to fall for guys just for their money.
Her whole life, she has gone from Walter to Walter.
Wasn't there a David in there? Oh, geez, you are worse than Tina.
I was speaking metamorphically.
Well, screw you, Walter! Oh, and I have news for you.
Since I've been here, I've been sleeping on a conventional mattress, and I love it! Well, you were right.
The ring's a fake.
Oh It's not even cubic zirconia.
It's part of a pirate's costume.
Hey, hey, you're gonna be okay.
You're with family, and we are gonna help you get through this, right, Gina? Mary Angela, you are not gonna believe what just happened.
Gina! I'll call you back.
I have nothing to go back to.
What am I going to do? Hey, this could be good.
You know, your whole life, you've always had someone like Walter to take care of you.
Maybe this this could be a chance for you to stand on your own.
You're right.
I don't need a rich husband.
There you go! I have a rich brother.
There you go.
I'm gonna stay here, and you're gonna take care of me now.
- Did I just become? - You sure did, Walter.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where's Mary Teresa? I have her laundry.
You did her laundry? Well, she thinks I'm the housekeeper.
I don't like conflict.
Just please don't tell her that I speak English.
Is that you, Alex? Un momento, por favor, Miss Mary Teresa! Oh, Joelle, come on in.
What's up? Um, well the fish food came in.
And I thought that you might want to take this bottle of wine and watch the meteor shower.
Maybe we could drive up to Mulholland and check it out.
That's a great idea.
Oh, so far so good.
Ooh, you know who else loves a good meteor shower? My friend Seth.
"Will invite Seth.
" Wow.
You know, actually, that's not what I really want to do.
You brought it up.
Um so, uh maybe I'll just see you at the store.
That's weird.
Everyone knows the more eyes, the better at a meteor shower.
I mean, get a clue, Joelle.
I'm going to go check out the sky right now.
I can't stand this anymore.
That girl is losing interest.
We have to do something.
He will not die a virgin.
The stars are amazing, aren't they? Yeah, they are.
Um, but sometimes, when a woman looks at the sky with a man, she doesn't want to talk about the stars, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I guess so.
I'm just saying that sometimes you're not great at picking up signals when a girl is into you.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, Michael, open your eyes.
Tonight you have this opportunity to Michael, what are you do?! Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Alex, that is the only kiss we can ever share, all right? I'm flattered, but you're married! I'm not talking about me! You're not? No, I'm talking about Joelle.
The fish girl likes you! Yeah, right.
Like I could ever get a girl like that.
She's way out of my league.
Well, you just kissed me.
You think I'd be into you?! Well, yeah, you and I are kind of on the same No, we are not! Oh, you went shopping again.
Here's your credit card.
Thanks for letting me use it.
Well, thanks for taking it out of my wallet while I was sleeping.
I'm going to go upstairs and finish redecorating.
What?! - How was your day? - Great.
I quit.
What? I've worked for some difficult people.
Betty White put a cigarette out on my arm.
But your sister is by far the worst.
I had no idea you were so fed up.
You know, part of my job is pretending to be okay with people's crazy requests.
So, were you mad when I made you play Hide and Go Seek at the mall? Only when I was hiding, and you forgot and went to a movie.
I just wanted to let you know that I won't be hanging around anymore.
Mary Teresa fired me as your maid.
What? Yeah, she found silverware in my purse and accused me of stealing it.
It was mine; I was taking it back.
I don't even know how it got here.
Oh, we borrowed it for British Night.
Glen dressed up as a butler, and we made him speak in an accent.
You hated that, too! You guys are so loud.
I was trying to be creative.
Hey! You don't work here anymore! No trabajo! Joey, check her pockets! God, she is awful.
You have got to tell her to get outta here.
Maybe you're right.
I mean, Glen, I don't want to lose you.
And Alex, you deserve a second chance.
All right, I just got to think of a nice way to get rid of her.
Leave her in the desert.
Push her off a bridge.
Dale con un coche.
Uh, sorry.
Hit her with a car.
So, wait, let me get this straight.
You're gonna buy a real engagement ring, give it to her, and tell her it's from Walter? Yeah, that way she forgivesWalter, goes home, and I can go back to dealing with just one crazy sister.
Ugh, I just can't believe you're doing this.
Why does it bother you so much? Don't you want her to go back, too? It's not that.
It's just the way you treat her.
I don't care that the rest of the family dotes on her.
But you? You should know better.
Are you jealous? No.
I don't need any of that stuff.
I can take care of myself.
But, you know, every once in a while, it might be nice to be spoiled.
Gina, we both know that if I did nice stuff for you, you'd hit me.
May I help you? Yeah, I'd like to buy an engagement ring.
Something cheap.
- But big.
- But cheap.
But a real diamond.
Yeah, but I don't care if it's cloudy or chipped or stolen from a grave, you know? May I say, you two are going to be very happy together.
Oh, no.
This is my sister.
Oh, so the ring's for someone else? Yeah, my other sister.
Oh, your family's perfect? Mary Teresa! Could you come down for a second? I still think this is a stupid way to get rid of her.
I am not leaving her in the desert! Well, we don't have to do mine! Glen and Alex had ideas, too! I have something for you.
A mink? A car? A pony? Don't guess; no, no.
No, it's from Walter.
- Walter? - That's right.
He wanted you to have this.
Oh, Walter, it's so beautiful.
Wow, it really is.
But he lied to me.
He has to win me back.
I mean, where's the speech, the big gesture? Well, when Joey was on the phone with Walter, there was a speech that went along with the ring.
I can't believe you did it without the speech.
Do the speech.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right.
Walter told me to say some stuff.
He said that, uh, he wanted you to know that he loves and cherishes you.
That you are the most special woman in the whole world, and he cannot wait to spend the rest of his life with you.
Maybe I'll just keep the ring and stay here.
What?! Uh wait, no! Help me! Mary Teresa I am very relieved you are not going back to him.
I have always been so jealous of you.
If you married Walter, it would just drive me crazy.
- Really? - Yeah.
If you're not gonna go after him, then I just might have to go after him myself.
I might just have to marry Walter and finally be fancier than you.
I will swim in your pool.
Never! You can't have him.
I'm marrying Walter.
I have said too much.
Now I've lost him.
I'm gonna go call Walter and tell him I'm coming home.
Do you have to go? I mean, if you do, there's a 7:00 flight.
I better go pack.
I wish I hadn't fired Alex.
I mean, she was a thief, but, man, could she fold.
Thank you.
Oh You gonna be okay now that your favorite sister's gone? Gina, she's not my favorite sister.
No? I picked you up a little something at the store.
It may be the world's smallest diamond.
Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
I love you, too.
Would you be offended if I tested it under the black light? No, no, I'm curious myself.
It was pretty cheap.
You know what? If Joelle's into me, I'm gonna call her.
You call another woman? Alex is right here! You said you were gonna stop making fun of me.
Yeah, I lied.
Okay, I got her machine.
Good, okay.
Hi, Joelle! This is Michael.
My neighbor was just telling me that was missing a few signals earlier and that you wanted to go out with me.
So, uh, I think we should do it.
I mean, go out, not have sex.
It would be nice 'cause I'm a virgin.
I mean, I'm not a virgin, I just.
I've just never been with a woman.
Not that I've been with a man.
He's actually getting better.