Joey s01e20 Episode Script

Joey and the Neighbor

Joey, get out here.
Beautiful women have been coming from that apartment for, like, an hour.
An hour? Why didn't you get me? I was stuck in the hot tub! I didn't want them to see my legs! Well, hello there, gorgeous.
I don't have chicken legs! This is like a dream.
Pinch me.
On the arm! Who goes for the ass? I gotta see what's going on in there.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Can I help you? Yeah.
I live across the way and I would like to join whatever club is meeting here.
There's no club.
Those are my clients.
I'm a photographer.
Wow.
I love erotic photography.
I didn't say erotic.
I definitely heard someone say it.
Uh, I'm Joey.
I'm Sara.
I'm Michael Leave.
Okay.
It's amazing to me that you're a photographer.
I mean, you are so beautiful, you should be in front of the camera.
Wow.
You really came out swinging, huh? Okay, okay, let me try a different approach.
Uh, I saw a flower this morning and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen until I gazed upon you.
Mmm Listen, I really appreciate the effort, but you don't have to work so hard.
If you want to ask me out, just ask me out.
What? Just ask you? Yeah.
Watch this Do you want to go out Saturday? Yeah.
Great, we have a date.
Wait, wait, wait.
I didn't even compliment your eyes.
I know my father must have been a thief because he stole two stars from the sky and put them in my eyes.
I did not know that one.
That's good.
Pick me up at 8:00.
Huh.
Hey, there.
I saw a flower this morning.
I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen until I gazed upon you.
Really? Thank you.
Okay, so I'm not crazy.
* All right, y'all, all right, y'all * * You wanna be all right, you gotta walk tall, come on! * * Everything's gonna be all right now * * Everything's gonna be all right * * All right, y'all, all right, y'all * * You wanna be all right, you gotta walk tall * *ll right, y'all, all right, y'all * * You wanna be all right, you gotta walk tall, come on! * Hey, guys! Whoa.
Sexy new underwear there, huh? My God! You can tell? When I was a kid, I wished for a superpower.
That's what I got.
So what's the special occasion? Well, my husband's going to be home tomorrow, so Gina took me to get some sexy undergarments.
Ooh.
And it's a good thing I did, 'cause she was wearing ( whispering ): cotton granny pants.
Well, it's gonna be really great to see him.
He's been gone for, like, two months.
That's a long time to be away from your man.
You guys ever try phone sex? Yeah.
I'm not very good at that.
I tend to laugh too much and overdescribe the room.
Hey, you rented the apartment to that new girl? Nice job.
Thanks for getting me a hot one.
I thought you two might have sparks.
I miss Melrose Place.
Well, I got a date with her Saturday night.
She lives right across the courtyard.
What if it doesn't work out? That could be so awkward.
Please, there is no awkward situation I can't smooth over or run from.
Okay? But, I gotta say, this girl's a tough one.
None of my normal lines work on her.
I'm gonna have to bring my "A" game.
And, uh, what is your "A" game? Well, I take her to this restaurant where the maitre'd knows my name and makes a big fuss over me.
Then he seats us at a table where she can't miss my head shot hanging on the wall.
"Oh, how embarrassing.
" Then, at some point during the evening, I'll have one of my "famous friends" send over a bottle of wine maybe Bobby Duvall So? Or Celine Dion.
Okay, I could see that working.
Excited about your date tonight? Oh, yeah.
I called the restaurant and set everything up.
Oh, who are they gonna say sent the wine? Well, I went with Alan Thicke and Lou Diamond Phillips.
Yeah I like the idea that they're friends.
Hey, Joey, how you doing? Hey, Eric, welcome back.
Thanks.
Hey, honey.
Hey.
So when was the big reunion? That was it.
He just got home.
Really? After two months? What are you doing out here talking to me? Get in there and make up for lost time.
Joey, it's the middle of the day.
We couldn't do that.
Could we? I guess we could.
I think I'm going to! Attagirl! Don't let that new thong go to waste! Amazing! Through corduroy? ( door shuts ) You are going to love this place.
The food is great.
The problem is, they tend to make a fuss when actors come in.
Oh, I'm not a big fan of actors.
You don't like actors? No.
They're so self-absorbed and need so much attention.
But they're America's royalty.
MAITRE'D: Mr.
Tribbiani! Welcome.
That was a very good show last night.
Yes, Tony, I also enjoyed The Apprentice.
Right this way, please.
I saved a very special table for you.
Mm Thank you.
Thanks.
So, do you, uh, like sports or, uh? Wh-What is that? Is that you? Is that your head shot? No, that's not what this wall means.
I ate the 96-ounce steak.
As did Bernadette Peters.
Joey, what's going on here? I wanted to impress you.
All right, so I brought out my "A" game.
All my best moves my my best lines.
You don't need to do that with me.
Okay, maybe we should just order.
Yeah, okay.
You know, I'd order the pizza, but I haven't had a decent one since I moved here from the East Coast.
Me neither.
Everybody recommended this place called Mario's I went there.
It was awful, right? So bad I had to go someplace else and eat a whole other pizza just to get the taste out of my mouth! I'm lucky my mom sends me pizza from home.
Wait, where are you from? Philadelphia.
( gasps ): I love your sandwiches! MAITRE'D: Mr.
Tribbiani, compliments of Alan Thicke and Lou Diamond Phillips.
Interesting pairing.
Thank you.
So, can I get you some wine, compliments of Vanilla Ice and Tom Skerrit? Nice.
Sure.
Yeah.
Wow.
These are great.
Did you did you take all these? Yeah.
That one, I took in Burma.
The little girl was selling gum on the street.
Her eyes were so melancholy, yet so full of hope.
Couldn't get her to smile, huh? Eh, what are you gonna do? You have a very interesting face.
I can see why you became an actor.
Thank you.
Mind if I photograph it? Okay.
Have a seat.
Joey, don't pose.
Gotcha.
I'm not getting a sense of who you really are.
Well, but what if this really is who I am? Listen, you know what, let's just take a break.
We'll have some wine and I can do this later.
Sounds good.
Hey, I wasn't ready.
No, this is great.
But I'm not doing anything.
Just relax.
Be yourself.
Look, if I was out with any other girl running my "A" game, I would lean in and kiss you right now, but I'm not sure what to do here.
Well, this camera thing is my "A" game, so let me make this easier for you.
I may borrow heavily from this in the future.
Good morning, everyone.
So I take it your date with Sara went well last night? It was really nice, yeah.
She's not like other women I've dated.
I mean, we didn't have sex, but I still feel like a connection was made.
Is that shallow? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
How is it having Eric back? Oh, it's great.
It's good.
It's a challenge.
It's hard.
Really? Wh-What's wrong? I guess I've forgotten what it's like to live with somebody.
Oh, it's a compromise.
Yeah, it's taken me and Michael months to get everything just the way I like it.
Yeah, it's different with Eric here.
Like, I was doing a crossword this morning, and the clue was "TV lawyer Ally blank" and he said, "McBeal".
I mean, I'm a lawyer and I'm spunky.
I think I know who Ally McBeal is, okay? Well, I'm sure being back must be an adjustment for him, too.
Oh, yeah, especially since now he suffers from this horrible affliction called "jet lag".
You may not have heard of it because apparently my husband is the first person ever to have it.
Um, I've had jet lag.
It can be pretty bad.
He was in Cleveland! Okay, so he's bugging you.
Have you tried to talk to him about it yet? Uh no.
The way I was raised, we didn't talk about our problems.
When my mom was upset with my dad, she'd just go to the tennis pro and work on her game.
She always came back so happy.
It must have been Diego's relaxed island attitude.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Bu-But still, you know, maybe, maybe you and Eric should talk.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Okay, I'll try.
Trust me, it'll help.
I mean, when I first moved in, I had a big problem with Michael snoring.
But then we talked about it, and it got better.
"Talked about it"? You put cotton balls in my nose and duct-taped my mouth shut.
And we worked it out.
( knock at door ) Hey.
Hey.
I just wanted to stop by and thank you for all the Philly cheesesteaks you sent over.
I think 30 sandwiches are gonna last me a while.
I know it sounds like a lot, but the cheesesteak is a very versatile snack.
Lunch on the go? Cheesesteak.
Tired after racquetball? Cheesesteak.
Can't find a baby gift? Cheesesteak.
Well, I really appreciate it.
Hey, your neighbor across the way does something nice for you, you want to say thank you? Cheesesteak.
Cheesesteak.
Yeah.
You know, Joey, I gotta tell you.
You' not exactly who I thought you would be.
Do you want to go out again tomorrow night? You're just asking me? I mean, I want to, but I'd think I'd like you to work a little harder.
Okay.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put "U" and "I" together.
Where do you get this stuff? I'll see you tomorrow night.
Okay.
Well, look at that.
I just got asked out on a date.
You really like her.
I do.
In fact, I like her so much, I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I am not going to date any other women until I see Sara again.
You're going out with her tomorrow.
That's like 24 hours.
I know.
That's three very disappointed ladies.
I mean if Sara sees me with another girl, she might feel weird.
I mean, she's right over there.
You see, now, this this is why I don't date girls within the building.
( chuckling ): Okay, buddy.
( laughing harder ) ( sighing ): You working on dinner yet, hon? It's only 3:00 in the afternoon.
God, what can I tell you, I'm on Cleveland time.
( Eric chuckling ) Oh, God, I got the lag.
It's bad.
( whispering ): You have to say something.
I don't know.
ERIC: Now, honey, on your crossword, you missed an easy one.
"Sesame Street character blank monster.
" That's Cookie.
Okay, we have to talk.
JOEY: You know what? I'm gonna give you two some privacy.
( takes deep breath ) Honey you know that I love you.
But I'm not used to having you around and there are some things that have been bothering me.
I'm so sorry.
I just You know, I know I haven't been myself, but I'm just so tired with the Jet lag! Yes.
Um, funny you should mention that, because one of the problems is that you've been talking a lot about that.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, well, I didn't realize.
Um, I'm sorry.
And please just let me do the crossword puzzles myself.
Okay.
And if you're gonna use the exercise bike, maybe just throw some shorts on, okay? ( Gina gasps ) Are those two squirrels doing it again? Shh! Shh! Shh! Alex is finally getting everything off her chesest with Eric.
And I really don't appreciate you critiquing me when I'm singing in the shower.
Well, as a musician, it bothers me when you sing off-key.
As a musician, it also bothers me that you never shave your legs.
Well, as a lawyer, it bothers me that your family sucks! Well, you know, will you, will you please them to get out of there?! Hey, Michael, look at Sara out there, reading.
Oh, well, every diamond has its flaws.
Whoa, check out that stripper-looking girl wandering around.
Ah, stripper-looking? She is a stripper.
I met her at the Oh, God, she's here for me! Remember I'm not dating anyone because of Sara? Well, I canceled my lunch, my dinner, but not my backup.
I forgot about the backup! Damn, I can't even remember her name.
Tammy? Terry? Why is she over there? Well, she's clearly lost.
She's gonna ask Sara where I live.
Something with a "T", what are you doing out there?! Okay, I need your help.
All right, what can I do? Okay, I need Sara to think that "Something with a T" is here for you, okay? So, go out there, get her and walk her back here.
This doesn't really play to my strengths, Joey.
I don't lie well, I don't deal with women well.
I don't walk particularly well.
It's from the hot tub to the apartment.
15 feet.
Come on, Michael.
You can do this.
I believe in you.
All right, there's just no other option? If there was, would I be asking you? Hi.
You remember me, right? I'm Michael, Joey's nephew.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
So that's my date.
I'm here for her, and-and she's here for me.
There's a connection there, it's exciting, but I'm, I'm really not sure where it's going.
Excuse me.
Um, I'm looking for an apartment.
Do you know where I live? Yes, right there.
It's me.
Who are you? Who am I? I'm Michael, your lover.
Uh my what? What's going on? Nothing's going on.
It's just, uh It's, uh.
Man down! Man down! Go to your room and think about what you did! Ladies, before I commit to a path here, what is the situation as everyone understands it? Well, if I were to guess, I would say that this nice woman? Charlene.
Wow, was I off.
Charlene was here for a date with you, and you had Michael come out to pretend that she was here for him.
That's that's that's not what this is.
Then what is it? ( stuttering ) Uh uh ( laughing ): You're in trouble! See you later, Joey.
Sara, wait Charlene, look, I'm I'm gonna have to cancel, okay? I really need to go deal with her.
Okay.
Call me, Joey.
Wow.
You're game.
Hey, listen, Sara, I am really sorry about that.
But you should know, I made that date with Charlene before I even met you.
I'm not upset that you had a date.
I don't care that you see other women.
But you lied to me and put on that stupid show.
Just be honest, Joey.
That's the most important thing.
So, to summarize, I can see other women? Yeah.
I get that you're the type of guy who dates a lot I'm okay with that.
Are you serious? We went out on one date.
How inappropriate would it be for me to be jealous? Very! Wow, you are so cool.
This is going to work out great.
Hey, Sara.
Hey, Rick.
Hey, we'd better get going if we're gonna make that mov.
You know what? I just need a minute, so just make yourself at home.
Sure.
So you date, too.
Is that okay? Yes, of course.
It's awesome.
I love it! RICK: All right, cheesesteak! See, having a date with another dude? Cheesesteak! ( forced chuckle ) ( door slamming ) How'd it go with Sara? Well, she's not mad at me.
In fact, she doesn't mind if I see other women.
That's great.
Kind of.
Yeah, she's actually with another guy right now.
You okay with that? Not really.
I feel a little jealous.
Not something I've experienced much.
Don't care for it.
Well, we did it.
Eric and I talked.
We screamed a bit.
We got everything out in the open.
It was pretty intense.
Look, Alex, I'm sorry, but can we talk about this another time? I'm going through some stuff right now, okay? There's a guy over there with his hands all over my cheesesteak! Eric and I are getting separated.
That's bigger.
Eh, excuse me.
Yeah? I saw a flower this morning and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen until I gazed upon you.
Wow.
Thank you.
Would you like to go and get some coffee? Okay.
Oh, god.
Your legs.
I got to go.
Damn you, chicken legs!