Joey s01e23 Episode Script

- Hey.
-Hey.
Where's Michael? - He up yet? - No.
He got home really late last night.
That's, like, the third time this week.
I think he might have a girlfriend.
I'm not a good mother.
Well, look, I'm serious.
It's not impossible.
He's seen the way I am around women.
He can't help but have picked up on some of it.
I guess it's possible.
You never know with Michael.
He's really good at keeping his emotions to himself.
I am the man who will fight for your honor Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is Peter Cetera, the voice of modern love.
Like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago.
Michael, Michael, what, what is, what's going on with you? Okay, I met someone.
- He met someone! - Hey - And it's a woman.
- It's a woman! Hey! I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys, but it's early.
I've only gone out with her a couple of times.
When can I meet her? No, I don't want to overwhelm her, Mom.
I won't overwhelm her.
She'll love me.
I'm a cool mom.
I even got a tattoo on my ass that says so.
When can I meet her? Maybe we can schedule that little meetting when hell freezes over.
Dude, you have a girlfriend.
It already did.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How come you're not laying out by the Jacuzzi? Oh, there's this creepy teenager who's always staring at me out there.
But he's not around today, so what's the point? Have, uh, have you seen Alex? Yeah, for, like, a second.
She seemed really busy.
Yeah.
I think that's how she's handling the divorce.
Keeping herself distracted with all these projects like cleaning the garage, scrubbing the hot tub.
The other day she offered to make me a pair of boots.
Oh, say yes.
They smell weird, but man, are they comfortable.
Well, I think it's great she's keeping busy.
After my divorce, I was so depressed, it was all I could do to finish 11th grade.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- What's wrong? - Ran out of projects.
Hey, you still haven't made me those boots.
I didn't know if you were a seven or an eight so I made both.
Ooh! Man, that batch smells even worse.
Uh, Alex, are you okay? Yeah, I just think this divorce thing is finally getting to me.
It just feels like I'll never be happy again.
Yes, you will.
We'll help you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, I'll take you to this comedy club I went last week.
This guy was talking about how when white people make toast, they're all, "butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter!" I don't get it.
I didn't get it either, but everyone else at the club was laughing, so I figured, "What the hell?" Now you get off Powder Mountain and you never come back.
Joey, you're talking to a wolf.
I don't know what you want me to do.
Huh, growl? Okay.
Grr.
Come on.
Give me something.
Grr! Hey, whoa! The scene's not all about you.
So I, I got you a little something, you know, for today.
Oh, what's today? Oh, it's no big deal.
It's just sort of our one-month anniversary.
I know.
Happy anniversary! Oh Oh, my God! You got the card with the baby in the sunglasses, too? Yeah! From the liquor store down on the corner? Uh-uh, yeah.
It was eitheer this or that weird Garfield condoleance card.
I know! I love this.
We both cared enough to remember the day, but we're both too lazy to buy a thoughtful present.
"To the sweetest guy I know.
"You're so special to me, and I'm so happy I have you in my life.
" Aw "You're hot.
" I mean that.
I got to get to work.
- What are you doing today? - Some more head shots.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I know you hate doing those.
It's just the only work I've been getting since I moved here, you know? Except for this Spanish-language milk ad, which is the most pornographic work I've ever done.
Wow, she really likes milk.
It's so frustrating.
I tell you what.
If you're this unhappy, maybe I can, uh, talk to my agent and see if we can find you some better work.
- Yeah? You'd do that? - Hey, you're my girl.
Mmm.
Thank you.
That'd be great.
By the way, I think you're hot, too.
Could have said it in the card, that's all I'm saying.
Did Alex's boots stain your feet black? Yeah.
It's awesome.
I don't have to wear dress socks anymore.
Okay, sweetie, I'll call you later.
Okay, well, you hang up first, though.
No, you do it.
No, you! Okay, on three.
One, two, three.
I didn't hang up either.
Hello? Mom, would it be okay if we celebrated Mother's Day at dinner instead of brunch? Why? Just 'cause, uh, Lorraine invited me over for brunch with her family.
Why can't we all go to brunch together? I don't know.
Actually, Michael, that might not be a bad idea.
Introduce her to your mom now while she still thinks everything you do is cute.
Yeah, you do it later, it could be a real deal-breaker.
So true; loose cannon.
Okay, fine, you're going to have to meet her eventually.
Just promise me you'll be nice, polite and respectful.
How about I promise not to use the "F" word? That's a good deal.
I would take that deal.
Hey.
Joey! Aw, it's good to see you.
I'm one day into my new life of sobriety.
And it feels great.
Hey, I need a favor.
Oh, the pressure! Oh! Okay, listen, my girlfriend is an amazing photographer, and she's looking for more interesting work, and I thought maybe you would know someone.
Oh, sure.
My brother, he works at Newsweek.
I'm sure he could fix her up with a job like that.
Okay.
Bobbie, if you don't want to help me, fine, all right? But you don't have to be sarcastic.
I wasn't being sarcastic.
This is how I talk.
My brother works at Newsweek! I'll give him a call.
Okay.
Well, that'd be great.
I mean, I really, I really like this girl.
We're having an amazing time together.
That's sounds great.
The most important thing to me is that your personal life is going well.
Oh, thank you.
That time I was being sarcastic.
Hey, Alex, I heard about your divorce.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, thanks, Howard.
Uh, so I was thinking since we're both single, maybe you and I could Oh, god, is this my future? That's not a no! Okay! Alex, come in here.
I have got a tape that is guaranteed to cheer you up.
What is it? It's an after-school special starring Joey Tribbiani as a Russian exchange student having a hard time fitting in.
Melissa, will you go to prom with me? Sorry, Boris, but you just don't fit in.
Wait, wait, it gets better.
This is where his accent turns to French.
Why are you so rude to me? - Aw, come on.
- I'm sorry.
- Maybe I'm a lost cause.
- No, you're not.
Okay, look, I have to go to brunch with Michael's girlfriend, but when I get back, I promise I will find something to snap you out of this.
Michael's got a girlfriend? Yeah, I'm meeting her for the first time.
He's starting a relationship? I'm going to die alone! Hey, Howard likes you.
I am so excited to meet Lorraine.
She is real, right? We're not at some random person's house? Yes, she's real.
- Hey, Michael! - Hi.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's so nice to meet you, Lorraine.
Oh, no, I'm not Lorraine.
I'm Tanya.
I'm sorry, I didn't know Lorraine had a sister.
No, no, no, Mom, Tanya's Lorraine's daughter.
- Hey, you.
- Hi.
Oh, hello.
You must be Gina.
You must be kidding.
Well, hello there, gorgeous.
Hi.
I went to that Newsweek interview that your agent set me up with.
Thank you so much.
Hey, come on.
You're Joey Tribbiani's girlfriend.
There are some perks.
I can also get you Clippers tickets if you want, if you give me a couple months notice and don't care what team they're playing.
Joey, they offered me a job.
Oh, my God! That's so awesome! Hey! All right! Might I suggest we celebrate with a game of eerotic hide and go seek? A hint: I will be on the bed, and I will be naked.
Good luck.
Wait.
The job's in Washington, D.
C.
They want me to move in a week.
But, Sara you're hot.
Washington D.
C.
? I can't believe this is happening now.
We've been having such a good time.
I know, the timing's terrible.
But it's such a huge opportunity.
I mean, it would be like if you got a chance to work with - Who's your favorite actor? - Sir Anthony Hopkins.
The Rock.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Things might be different if we were further along in our relationship, but we don't know where this is going.
Do we? Do you? No, I don't.
Look, I don't want to be the guy who stands in the way of your career.
So, what are we gonna? I guess you should take this job.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What do we do until I leave? The more time we spend together, the sadder it's gonna get.
We could have a long, drawn-out good-bye or we could do the smart thing and end it now.
Long drawn-out good-bye it is.
I'm going to go get started on brunch.
Can I get you a coffee? Yes, a vodka would be great.
You know, I love your purse.
It's very hip.
I could never pull something off like that.
It's too young for me.
Worried about the purse, are you, Lorraine? Mom.
I'm sorry.
So, how did you two meet? Well, I manage the bookstore at CalTech Gand I noticed Michael coming around a lot, even on Saturday nights.
So I started to suspect that he was coming for something other than books.
I was wrong.
But a connection was made and here we are.
We have so much in common.
I'm so very happy to have found Michael.
And I'm very happy for you.
After all, all the best men of your generation were lost to war.
Okay.
Uh, Mom No, Michael, it's all right, really.
Gina, I know why my age might make you feel uncomfortable.
But Michael and I have a really nice time.
We go to museums, we take nature walks.
We watch Cagney and Lacey reruns together.
How's that vodka coming, Tanya?! Bobbie, you got my girlfriend a job in Washington D.
C.
?! I can't believe you.
What were you thinking? That's what you wanted.
To get rid of her.
No! I don't want her to move.
I really like her.
I told you that.
I got to be honest.
I probably only listen to half the things you say to me.
Then I just say stuff to keep the conversation moving.
What? Are you serious?! That sounds great.
Let's do it.
I can't believe you were so rude to Lorraine.
I thought I was very respectful.
You asked her if she was in the movie Cocoon.
You look me in the eye and tell me she doesn't look like Jessica Tandy.
She's 45, Mom! God.
She's old.
That's what's wrong with her.
Boy, I didn't see that one coming.
You know, I slept with a woman twice my age once.
She was one of my teachers.
I got an "A" in that class.
That's how they caught her.
I'm not sleeping with her.
Besides, what does it matter how old Lorraine is- I like her.
What's wrong with women your own age? They're so immature.
They don't know what they want.
They're always playing these games.
You know, with Lorraine, I get to skip all that.
She knows who she is.
She doesn't have time for any of that nonsense.
That's because she's going to die soon.
Hey, Joey, I'm looking for something to cheer Alex up.
Do you still have that singing plastic fish? That was supposed to sing? It scared the hell out of me.
I smashed it with a hammer.
I was really counting on that fish.
Oh, don't worry.
Just go downstairs, check your email.
I sent you a video of a cat going to town on this dude's crotch.
Hey, are you okay? You've been up here all day.
Just bummed about Sarah.
I can't believe I'm losing her to a stupid magazine.
Joey, why don't you just ask Sara to stay? I can't do that.
We're not far enough into this thing.
Well, why don't you move the relationship forward? Like how? Ask her to move in or something? No, not that.
That's too big.
But have you told her that you love her? No.
I mean, I've only said that to a woman once before, and it blew up in my face.
We were living together.
She was pregnant with my best friend's baby, and she ended up with him.
Yeah, that did blow up in your face.
Joey, the only thing that matters is do you love Sara? I don't know.
Maybe.
I think so.
Boy, if it was me, I'd roll the dice and say it.
If not, you're always going to wonder if saying it would have kept her here.
Maybe you're right.
Look, I know I don't tell you this often, but it's really nice to have someone here I can share my feelings with.
It means a lot to me.
You can't tell Sara you love her, but this vagina monologue just pours out of you? Good talk.
Michael, what are you doing here? Oh, I really wish you'd called.
Why? You got another man over here or something? Michael What? You do? We make out, and it's just on to the next young stud.
Baby, the hot tub is cooling off.
- Professor Brightwiser.
- Hello, Michael.
So, what? You think you can just move in on my girlfriend, huh? Well, this is, uh, this is awkward.
Well, I hope it won't affect your decision to be my research assistant.
If by "assisting" you mean falsifying data to justify your half-baked thesis, then sure, sign me up.
Michael, please! There's no need to attack anyone's data.
Spencer, can you give us a minute? - Of course.
- Okay.
Lorraine what's going on? I guess I should have told you about Spencer, but I thought that you knew that what you and I had, that it could never be that serious.
Why not? Because I'm a lot older than you.
I mean, I'm older than your mother.
It's not your fault my mom was a slutty teen.
I'm sorry, Michael.
I love being with you.
But if you want a serious relationship, then you need to be with someone your own age.
So I'll see you at the bookstore? I think I'll take my business elsewhre.
We're having a sale on physics textbooks.
I'll see you Monday morning.
Okay, there's no way this is not gonna make you laugh.
For the fifth day in a row, that angry squirrel has kept Howard from getting to his car.
Oh, Gina, I appreciate this, but you can't force me to be happy.
When I'm ready to laugh again, I will.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well Lorraine dumped me.
Oh, my God.
What happened? She's seeing another man.
Oh, honey.
I know you thought if you dated someone who was more mature, you'd get to skip the hard parts, but you can't.
Even with a woman who's 45.
You're dating a 45-year-old woman? I was, until she started seeing Professor Brightwiser.
Professor Brightwiser? - How old is he? - I don't know, 65, 70.
Yeah, you laugh, but Professor Brightwiser gets all the women.
Ever since he got his hip replaced, he's been unstoppable.
Oh, that's perfect.
I'm not gonna die alone.
I have you.
- Sara.
- Hi.
Okay, look I have something to tell you, and it's it's not the kind of thing that's easy for me to say, so I know you want this job, and I don't know if this is going to change anything.
Before you go, I want you to know that I may be falling in I am falling.
I mean - I - I love you too.
- You do? - Yeah.
That feels nice.
This is so awesome.
So you're going to stay? You're not.
Is it because I didn't actually say it? Because I can get there, I swear.
Oh God! God, this is so confusing.
I mean, I love you.
And you love me.
And I want to stay with you, but this job God, it's just, it is the kind of work that I've always wanted to do, you know? I mean I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Move in with me.
What? Yeah, you want to know where this is going? That's where it's going- move in with me.
Joey, that's huge.
Uh-uh.