Joey s02e01 Episode Script

Previously on Joey: You and Sara are all happy.
You're gonna move in together.
- Sara's gone.
- What? For the next three hours, vote for which of us gets killed at the beginning of next season.
Wait, what? I have sat long enough hearing how you threaten my boy.
It ends now.
No one talks to me like that.
Would you like a job? What'd you do that for? I don't know.
Well, good morning.
Who do you belong to? "Joey.
I needed to leave.
We'll talk about last night later.
Alex.
" Alex? No, no.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I'm still here.
Hey, neighbor.
Oh, okay, look, Alex Still naked.
No, Alex, don't go, don't go.
Okay, look, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
I don't do this.
I don't wake up in some guy's bed and put my clothes on from the night before and sneak home.
I see the girls who sneak out of here in the mornings and they're yucky.
Just Wednesday.
Tuesday nights are tough.
- Oh, God.
- Wait, wait.
Okay, don't go, don't go.
You're uncomfortable.
I'm uncomfortable.
But we have to power through this, okay? Let's lay it all out on the table.
I'll start.
What's up? This is not helping.
You are making it worse.
Well, you're not looking away.
Joey, it's me.
What are you doing? I'm freezing.
That cheapskate Alex turned the heat off.
But Joey, Alex? Have you no self-control? You couldn't resist the sexual dynamo that is Alex? I'm still here.
Alex, you dirty birdie.
Look, don't listen to her.
Joey, who did you have up here last night? Sounded like a bobcat attacking a seal.
- Hey, Alex, what are you doing up here? - I'm the seal.
Man, I am such an idiot.
Things are gonna be so weird now between me and Alex.
Yeah, they are.
- How did it even happen? - I don't know.
I was upset about Sara, Alex was in a vulnerable place and I don't know about her but I was trying to work off a big meal.
I can't believe this.
Darn.
I gotta call Bobbie and see if my character got voted off the show.
Oh, wait.
Before you call, I went to see her last night Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bobbie Morganstern's line.
- Hi, this is Joey Tribbiani.
Is Bobbie there? I'm sorry, no.
All her calls have been forwarded to this line.
This might take a minute.
She got a new assistant.
Sounds awful.
It's me, Gina.
Oh, that's funny, my sister's name is Gina.
Gina.
Gina.
I know you're trying to hide it from me but I think you're working for Bobbie.
I was trying to tell you.
When I went to tell her to leave Michael alone, she offered me a job.
What? How does you talking about Michael lead to you working for Bobbie? How does talking about Sara lead to having sex with Alex? I explained that.
I just had a steak this big.
Anyway, you never had a job like this before.
That's why this is so huge for me.
It's my chance to work at a respectable place with a desk and a chair, and a bathroom with a lock on it that has toilets with seats.
Where did you work? Oh, I just Alex, what are you doing? Hey, come on, don't run away from me.
Look, you're one of my closest friends.
We have to get past all this.
Joey, I don't think you understand.
This is hard for me.
When I'm around you now, I just feel so - Horny.
I know.
- No.
God.
I feel stupid and cheap.
I just Normally, there would be months or weeks of dating and wooing before that would happen.
But we had nothing.
Not even one romantic night.
Oh, I could fix that.
I'll give you all that romantic stuff now.
I'll woo you after the fact.
So then we would do it backwards? No, Alex, we won't have sex at all this time.
Backwards timewise.
Right.
I don't know if that would work but I guess it's worth a shot.
- So come by tomorrow night, say, 7? - Okay.
Great.
Wait, what's tomorrow? - It's Tuesday.
You're fine.
- Okay, good.
Oh, Gina, you're here.
Great.
Let's get started.
This is your desk and this is your phone.
And this is your sexual-harassment seminar.
- I'll be in my office.
- Wait, I actually have a couple questions.
- Hi, Bobbie.
- And this is my other assistant, Jason.
You have any questions, just ask him.
- So, what do I need to know? - You'll figure it all out.
Nobody helped me out when I got here.
The harder it is for you, the better I look.
No, you gotta help me.
I really wanna do well.
I'm a single mom and this job means so much to me.
It's like Erin Brockovich.
Hey, look at you.
First day at the big job.
How's it going? I'm gonna kill that Jason guy.
You've been here half an hour.
Look, Gina, if you're serious about making this work, you have gotta be a professional.
Who are you to give advice about an office? Oh, I don't know.
I only played the CEO of a major lingerie corporation in the Showtime original movie Velvet Heat.
- Hey, Bobbie.
- Oh, hey, Joey.
Have a seat, doll.
The results of the poll are in.
Oh, God, they voted me off the show.
Of course they did, I suck.
You're still on the show.
I'm awesome.
I mean, what are they gonna do, not vote for me, huh? I mean, this is America, not Crazy Land, huh? You love me? Right back at you, America.
It turns out you were the most popular guy on the show.
So I say we go in there and ask for a raise.
Ask? We tell, huh? What else do you want? - A better dressing room.
- Great.
- And a car.
- What else? - And a big, crystal, red - Oh, you know what? - We'll just ask for the money.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are gonna get what you deserve.
All right, everybody, let's set up for Joey's death scene.
Call me crazy, Bobbie, but I'm starting to get nervous.
God, what have I done? Hey, man, you ain't got nothing to worry about.
You're way better than this show.
- Yeah? - Trust me, Joey.
Do I know you? - No, I'm just here today for the head gig.
- Oh.
I beat out 10 other guys for this part.
I'm the only one who could fit through the neck hole.
Hey get me a line.
What? What are you gonna say? Your head's cut off.
I don't know.
"I can't feel my legs," or something.
Come on, you got a lot of pull around here.
Oh, do I? You see this? This look like a hat that says "big star"? Guys, quiet.
All right, let's take this from the top and action.
Well, it looks like I got one more chair-lift ride left.
To heaven.
I can't feel my legs.
Cut.
Ask them if they gonna use that.
Bobbie? Thank God you're here.
I am freaking out about losing this job.
You gotta talk me down.
Oh, I've ruined your life.
No, don't say that.
You've committed career suicide and it's all my fault.
Why did I demand that on-site Scientology tent? - Well, what's my next move? - There is no next move.
No next move? No.
You're greedy and you're high-maintenance.
You're a problem now.
God.
Oh, I feel so empty and confused.
Do you think I'm pretty? I don't know.
You gotta get me back out there, okay? You gotta get me another gig, all right? America loves me.
Remember? No, there's nothing I can do.
And I tried calling in all the favors I could with every single man that I slept with in town.
Except one.
But you know what? He owes me.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, Gina, I need you to connect me with someone.
It's ringing and I didn't tell her who I was calling.
This'll be interesting.
Hey, hey.
Saying goodbye to your dressing room, huh? I just said goodbye to that little taped-off area they made me stay in.
Listen, head guy, now's not a good time, okay? Look, Joey, I did it.
I got you an audition for the new Kevin Smith film.
Clerks was like the best independent movie of all time.
That and Con Air.
Yeah, well, if this doesn't work, you're screwed.
You're gonna read for the producers tomorrow.
All right, nail the audition.
You need to get this part.
Okay, I get it, Bobbie.
Thank you, thank you.
Excuse me, Bobbie Morganstern? I'm looking for representation.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Tell me all about yourself.
I'm dying to get a new client.
You don't wanna waste time reading for producers.
I can get you Kevin Smith.
I'm not a bigtime celebrity but I've been at this a long time and I've made a lot of connections.
So if you want, I can hook up the meeting.
You know what? I'm just gonna audition.
- But thanks, man, thanks.
- Oh, all right, cool.
I tell you what.
Why don't you give me a call if you change your mind? Zach.
That's it? Just Zach? I'm between last names.
Used to be Miller but there's a actor, Zach Miller who's done a lot of crap, so I'm trying to distance myself.
It's gonna be tough because it was me.
Hi.
My name is Jenna.
I just moved into the building the other day.
I have been dying to meet you.
Why? There's a big actor named Joey who lives in that apartment.
- That's you, isn't it? - Actually I just moved here from Kansas to pursue the dream.
I don't know anyone or anything and I know people must ask you for help all the time, but I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Gina, I want you to take a memo to my other agents.
Are you ready? Okay.
Dear staffers.
It has come to my attention that while providing dedicated service to our current clients we have been negligent in the quest for new talent which is crucial to our company's continued vitality.
- All right, that's it.
Read it back to me.
- Oh, that's "Dear staffers.
It has come to my attention that I have something to say.
Love Bobbie.
The end.
" That's perfect, send it off.
- Delivery from Bobbie Morganstern's office.
- Oh, yeah.
Here it is.
This is the script that's gonna save my career.
I have you to thank for it.
Remember that when you take your girl to see Private Property of Universal Studios, huh? Thanks.
Oh, yeah.
Gotta do my warm-up.
Acting exercises Acting exercises This is an acting exercise Yeah, suck on that, Juilliard.
Hey.
Hey, you ready for our date? Oh, no, you forgot.
Oh, it's okay.
No, no, no, Alex.
This is really important.
And I got it all planned out.
Give me a few minutes and then meet me upstairs, okay? All right.
I'll just be down here doing my: Acting exercises So this is our big date? We're not going out? Why would we? We have everything we need right here.
Music, atmosphere, a lovely view.
Okay.
I love champagne.
Technically, in order for it to be called champagne it has to come from the Champagne region of France.
This is beer.
You look beautiful tonight.
Thank you.
Let's get naked.
We're done.
All right.
What? That's it? Okay, this was a bad idea.
- Where you going? - I can't believe you.
You think that's all it's gonna take to get me into bed? - Don't answer that.
- Wait, Alex, wait.
Look, this wooing after the fact is a little new for me but I'll figure it out.
Can we try again tomorrow, please? Okay.
But you've really gotta step it up.
Beer, "you look beautiful," "let's get naked.
" What's the problem? We've got to get rid of this body.
No, it's too stiff.
I gotta make it my own.
This body, we gotta get up and go get it gotten rid of.
There it is, that's how people talk.
Hey, Michael, how was school at Caltech today? You go to Caltech.
I got in? - Hi, I'm Jenna.
- Hi.
Jenna, this is my Uncle Michael.
Michael's a student.
Jenna, would you excuse us? I have to talk to my uncle.
Sure.
Go.
Go over here.
- What the hell's going on? - This girl's an actress and she's into me, she's really into me because she thinks I'm you.
- Which means you just gotta be me.
- Or I could be me and then everybody wins.
- Joey, please just help me out here.
- All right, fine.
- Let's make this quick.
Sit down, there.
- All right.
You know that love scene you've been working on? Since Jenna's an actress maybe you should go to her apartment and run the lines.
What a great opportunity.
I'll go over and change into something sexy.
Why don't you come over in five minutes, Joey? Okay.
- Yeah, I'm pretty good at getting Joey laid.
- Yeah.
Wait.
I don't know what to do with her now.
I'd break the ice with some magic tricks.
But then after that, I mean, do I? What do I do? Do I kiss her or Did you say "magic tricks"? We're Joey.
We don't do magic.
I can't talk to you about this.
I mean, I'm feeling a lot of pressure and you wouldn't understand.
I don't understand pressure? I got a huge audition tomorrow that I need to get so badly, Michael that I can't make the simplest decision.
Like, I can't even decide whether I should sit or stand.
I mean, if I sit, then they can focus on what I'm doing with my eyes, you know? But if I stand, well, then, it frees me up to explore the space with my body.
You know what I mean? - You should sit.
- Yeah, you're right.
You know what I'm talking about.
You feel the pressure and you start over-thinking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The voice in your head chimes in: "What are you thinking? You're gonna fail.
" And then self-doubt takes over and it just starts gnawing at you and it just reduces you to a blithering idiot.
No, I don't get that.
Oh, no? Acting comes from the gut.
If I had a little voice in my head, I'd be done.
I'd have to get up and go get gotten out of this business.
What's that? It's called good writing, jackass.
- Joey Tribbiani? - Yeah, right here.
Come in.
Hey, everybody, thanks so much for having me in.
I'm really excited about this.
Who are you kidding? You can't get this part.
You're gonna fail.
- Excuse me? - We didn't say anything.
Oh, that's what I was afraid of.
It's the little voice.
Michael's having my sex and I have his brain.
Okay, let's begin.
Oh, man.
What went on in there? You have got to chill out, man.
This body, we gotta get up and go get it gotten rid of.
Nobody talks like that, you moron.
Plus, I'm totally wrong for this.
Those actors outside had beards.
Quick, grow a beard.
God, what is going on? I don't even know what I'm saying.
Where am I in the scene? No.
Forget about Atlantic City.
We need to get to the boat and find those diamonds.
That's not a line in the script.
Stop making stuff up.
If we don't find a way to lose these guys, we're both dead.
Okay, I'm in trouble.
I gotta finish strong with a bold choice they'll remember.
What are my options? Yell, fake cry? Wait, I got it.
I'll slit your throat with this bottle, bitch.
Next.
Told you you were gonna blow it.
Oh, shut up.