Joey s02e04 Episode Script

Joey and the Stuntman

Okay, Joey, ready for your big stunt? I'm ready! I'm psyched! Let's go over this one more time.
Boone is gonna lunge at you with a knife.
You dodge left, knock his arm right, punch him in the chin, flip him to the ground.
- Got all that? - I got it.
Let's do this! Okay, everybody.
Let's go from the top.
Hey, you're the Makeup lady.
Are we still on for tonight? - Hey, here you go, buddy.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Thanks for the ride, Mike.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna hang out here until they start serving breakfast.
- I bought you breakfast on the way.
- And I said thank you.
Let it go.
Damn it, here comes that script-supervisor lady.
She is constantly up my butt making sure I get every line perfect.
Hate her.
She is kind of funny, though.
She had this really good joke the other day.
It was something about you being stupid.
Yeah, that was pretty funny.
There you are.
It's time to play a little game I like to call "How Many Lines Does Joey Know?" Why don't you go bother someone else? I know the next scene word for word.
Really? Let's hear it.
What's your first line? Okay, fine.
- L - We.
- Have Someone - Had.
- Something.
- Something We had something good No, great.
- I mean - Wonderful.
We had something wonderful until Valentine's Day.
Christmas? Easter? What is it? We had something wonderful until the day they kidnapped - our son.
Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
Okay, so I forget a few words.
Cut me some slack, Ally.
- Abby.
- Whatever.
Hey, Joey.
How'd you get here before me? I'm not Joey, I'm Chuck.
I'm his stuntman.
Hey, I'm Zach.
I'm handling Craft Services.
Listen, whatever you do, stay away from the roast beef.
- Oh, why, is it bad? - No, I like it.
Hey, Zach.
Hey, we're wearing the same - Did I get fired already? - No, no.
No, no.
I'm Chuck.
I'm your stuntman.
Hey, just so you know, I wanted to do my own stunts but they didn't wanna damage the merchandise, you know.
No, no.
It's because you beat up the Makeup lady.
Trying to look cool in front of my stuntman.
Anyway, you know, we got that big fight scene coming up later.
Do you mind if I see how you take a punch? - Yeah, sure.
- All right.
Hey, wait.
I know what would be better.
If he saw you take a punch.
That way he could react like you.
That's a great idea.
All right, hit me, Chuck.
- Hit him.
- Lay one in there, yep.
Oh, you broke my tummy.
You got that, tough guy? Hey, listen, Joey.
So would it be cool if I shadowed you for a while? Get to learn your moves and your mannerisms.
Absolutely, you know, you should follow me around in my everyday life too, you know.
You can see how I eat, how I walk, how I dance.
Hey, yeah, all right.
If you're waiting for an invitation, it ain't gonna happen.
Because we're dancing, and we're dancing.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
So, Joey, Bobbie got a call today from US Magazine.
They're running a picture of you with a lady.
They would like a quote about the nature of your relationship.
- Sexual.
Every magazine I pick up there's a picture of you with some floozy spilling out of her blouse.
- Actually, Alex, you're wearing a sweater.
- Oh, I'm the floozy? It's a picture of you two outside of the grocery store.
Apparently, they think you're a couple.
That is so funny that they think that because I never even thought about that.
Not even one time.
So like I said, they'd like a quote about the nature of the relationship.
I wonder what we should say? How about, in keeping with the grocery theme, "He bagged her once"? - No, I do not want people reading that.
- Okay, well, what do you want it to say? I mean, I'm fine with anything.
What do you want our relationship to be? I think I guess I would have to think about that.
Think about it and tell Gina.
Say whatever you want.
It's your 15 minutes of fame.
- Okay.
- I wonder if they'll call us "Bennifer.
" Why would they do that? Our names are not Ben and Jennifer.
Oh, that's what that means.
Where you going? I have a date.
I'm going on a hike in the canyons with a girl.
Oh, hey, is it the big girl from apartment 12? It's actually someone I met on your set today.
All right.
Is it the big girl from the Prop Dep? It's not a big girl! Hello, Joey.
You don't have to bother me at home.
I'll have my lines memorized.
- What are you doing? That's my date.
- Wha? Ally? - Abby.
- Don't you start.
- What? - No, you can't go out with her.
She is evil.
How did this happen? Ran into her outside your trailer, we talked, I asked her out.
Do you see what she's doing? It's not enough to make me miserable at work, so she meets my nephew sees an opportunity to worm her way into my home and attack me from the inside.
Or she just thinks I'm cool.
- Let's not make up crazy explanations.
- Oh, get out of the way.
Hey, Gina.
I'm freaking out about this US Magazine thing.
- Is Joey here? - No, he's upstairs with his stuntman.
They've been breaking fake bottles over each other's heads all day.
I don't know what to say about our relationship.
If I say anything about romance, then he's gonna think that I have feelings for him.
Then again, if I say we're just friends we're gonna be permanently labeled as buddies.
And maybe I want him to think of us as something more than that.
Maybe I should just say "gal pal.
" Oh, no, "kissy friend.
" Oh, "buddy date"? Alex, is that you? No, Joey, it's just me down here.
I'm coming down the stairs.
Tell me if I look like me.
All right, Chuck, come on, get up.
We still got some work to do.
Here, sit down.
All right, now, when Joey falls, okay, he doesn't put his hands out he lands on his head, okay? With a solid: But you can't do that, you'll bust your head open.
No, no, no.
You're protected by your brain.
So you want me to fall down the stairs again? Is it okay I'm having you do stunts after hours? I don't wanna cross a line.
Joey, you're the star of the movie, okay? I'm here to serve you.
- I'll tell you if you cross the line.
- Okay, great.
- Hey, is that your thing over there? - What's that? - You didn't see that one coming, did you? - That was a good one.
That restaurant was great.
We should get some of that quinoa and just make it ourselves.
Oh, that's so cute.
It's quinoa.
I love that you correct me.
Oh, stop.
If you kiss Abby, I am gonna vomit.
- Oh, hey, Abby, didn't see you there.
- Hey, Joey.
I'm surprised you're not with some skanky extra you manipulated into sleeping with you.
Well, I'm not, because she left an hour ago.
- I'm gonna use your restroom.
- It's just to the left, there.
- What are you doing? - Defending myself.
I really like Abby, and I'd appreciate it if you made an effort to be nice to her.
- But, M - This is important.
I'm gonna go to Alex's to see if she has any wine.
Just talk to her for a minute, okay? For me? All right.
All right, look, we both care about Michael all right, so I guess we owe it to him to at least try and have a civilized conversation.
Fair enough.
What do you wanna talk about? - Current events? - No.
Art? - Poetry? - Okay.
I wrote a poem once.
There once was a man named Blenis Oh, dear God! Okay.
How do you like working on the movie? It's okay.
You should try it sometime.
- What's your problem with me? - Basically, you're everything I hate.
You're lazy, entitled, mindless, and you just think you're gonna slide through life on good looks and charm.
Well, I think you're an unhappy person whose only goal in life is to make everyone else as miserable as her.
I think you meant to say, "as miserable as she.
" No, I think I think I meant to say, "Get the hell out of my apartment!" Hey.
Where's Abby? - I threw her out.
- What? I'm sorry, I threw she out.
Good morning, buddy.
Dude, are you living here? No, I'm just sleeping here.
You know, having a few meals.
Bringing by the occasional date, you know.
It's not like I get my mail here.
Who do I talk to about getting my mail here? So I just talked to Abby.
- Why have you not apologized to her yet? - For the last time, I'm not apologizing.
She stood in my home and insulted me.
Okay, it would be like if I brought home Who's someone you hate? Dorothy Wheeland, the chairwoman of our Applied Mathematics Department.
I will never date her.
She's not, like, super hot, is she? Joey, you don't get it, man.
I met a girl who I like, and she likes me.
Like, that may happen to you all the time, it doesn't happen to me.
- I don't want anything to screw this up.
- I cannot talk to that woman, all right? Now, seriously, this Dorothy Wheeland.
I can't get her out of my mind.
Hey, Sam.
Did I give you what you want in that scene yesterday? Yeah, I just came by to make sure you're comfortable.
But are you okay? Yeah, it's complicated.
I'm having a problem with the script supervisor.
- It's a personality - Don't worry about it one second.
You're one of the stars of this movie.
I'll talk to Abby.
Yeah, you handle that.
Who do I talk to about getting Cinemax in here? Okay, I've decided what I'm gonna tell the magazine.
What do you think? "The mercurial relationship between Joey Tribbiani and Alex Garrett is hard to define.
However, the French have a phrase " What the hell is this? I don't know.
This is impossible.
Tell Joey to do it.
- Where's Michael? - In his room, sulking.
Michael? Come on, how long are you gonna be mad at me? Come out quick, a physics truck just turned over outside! There's physics everywhere! I can't believe you have the nerve to talk to me after you got Abby fired.
- What? - Yeah.
She told me the director fired her because the star had a problem with her.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah, well, thanks to you now she has no job and no income.
What's she supposed to do? Hey, she could move into Joey's trailer with me if she pay half the cable.
And And it gets better, she broke up with me because you hate her.
Thanks a lot, Joey.
- Hello? - Joey what the hell is going on? You sent your stuntman to my office to sign contracts for you.
What? No, no.
I was totally there.
You were drunk, screaming profanities and your blouse was on backwards.
Come on, that's a lucky guess and you know it.
You know, that guy is just doing whatever you say because you're the star and he doesn't want to lose his job.
Is it true that you made him cross the freeway on a skateboard? Sounds familiar.
That's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
You can't treat an employee like that.
If you treat them with kindness and respect, they will repay you with eternal loyalty.
Isn't that right, Gina? Gina? Where'd that bitch go? Hey, Chuck, thanks for meeting me here.
- All right, what can I do for you? - Oh, no, nothing.
I am here to apologize.
Okay, I've been abusing my power.
I shouldn't ask you to do things for me just because I'm the star of the movie.
Thanks, thanks.
I appreciate that.
Oh, and I got you a gift, huh? - Come on, let's have a drink.
- Oh, that's really nice, but really I can't.
I've gotta do that three-story jump tomorrow.
- Come on.
- I can't.
Chuck, the star of the movie buys you a bottle of Scotch, you have a drink with him.
- All right.
- Yeah? - Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, yeah, it was good.
I don't know why I ever quit drinking.
- What? - Fifteen long years.
I've missed you.
Come on, Chuck, you gotta come down! This'll be the highest jump I have ever done.
And this will show my ex-wife that I'm not a loser.
- I think he's really gonna jump.
- We gotta do something.
I'm worried.
I pray to God he lands on his head.
Did you just hear a? Joey, what are you doing here? Look, I'm sorry it's so late.
I had to take a friend to the emergency room, but he's gonna be okay.
That's, like, the best story I've ever heard.
- Can I come in? - Fine.
Okay, look Hey, Jackie Chan.
I knew we had to have something in common, huh? I want you to know I talked to the director and I got you your job back.
I never meant for you to get fired.
I'm sorry.
Okay, thank you.
- Do you wanna have a seat? - Sure, yeah.
So are we okay now? I mean, you're back at work, so you can start dating Michael again? I don't think so.
I could never date a guy who lives with someone who hates me.
I don't hate you.
So then why do we clash so much at work? Why do we argue all the time? Why did you freak out when I went on a date with Michael? Oh, God.
It's because you have feelings for me, isn't it? It's because what, now? That's why you mess up all your lines.
To give me a reason to talk to you.
Okay, hold on now.
Look, if you have feelings for me, we can work it out.
But if you just hate me, then forget it.
All right Okay, if I admit that I have feelings for you, you'll go out with Michael again? I don't see why not.
And that's the only explanation that makes any sense to you? Yep.
Abby I wanna get with you.
I knew it.
Okay, look, I don't wanna be getting you all hot and bothered at work so maybe you should tell me what you find so attractive about me and then I can try and tone it down a little.
Well - I mean - I know.
Well, you have so many opinions and that is hot.
And you smell Like wet wood.
It'll never happen.
Hey, you're back at work.
Oh, man, I'm so glad you're okay.
- You can put your hand down now.
- No, I can't.
It's in a cast.
I broke my arm, Joey.
You gave me alcohol.
I can't do the stunt now.
And when they find out I'm gonna lose my job, I'm gonna lose my health insurance.
Okay Okay, maybe you don't have to do the stunt.
I gotta get out of here! This whole place is about to blow! Still rolling! Bring in the stuntman.
Okay, I'm swapping out with Chuck now.
And here he comes! - How's it going? I'm Chuck.
- How you doing? What's all this stuff for? You know what this is.
We can't light you on fire without flammable gel.
And action! I did it, I'm alive! All right, keep rolling.
Now the mob rushes in and beats the crap out of him.
Hit him harder, it's Chuck.
He can take it.
Hey, Alex, I got a copy of the US Magazine with our picture in it.
- Check it out.
- Oh, yeah.
Gina never told me what you told them.
So, what did you say that we were? Probably just friends or something? No, no, no.
You don't want your picture in a magazine to say, "Joey and friend.
" No, I had them refer to you as "unknown sexy companion.
" Okay, I'll take that.
Where's the picture.
Oh, this isn't the right picture.
What, did they take this on the set? Is that you and Michael's girlfriend? Oh, Joey.
I may be sexy, but I'll never be your companion.
Here's Dorothy Wheeland's phone number.