Joey s02e05 Episode Script

Joey and the House

Okay, it's ten all.
And the good-looking Tribbiani drives to the right.
He goes around the other way.
- No! - And boom goes the dynamite.
- Man - What are you two idiots doing? The movie's paying me a lot.
I thought we could have some fun.
Joey, those are so expensive.
You're spending money like a child.
I'm just enjoying the fruits of my labor like any adult would, okay? New game, spin contest.
First one to puke gets a thousand dollars.
Hey, Joey.
I got your message about going to that open house.
Are? Are you moving away? I'm thinking, yeah.
I just drove by this incredible house.
What about us and our platonic friendship? How are we supposed to hang out? How far away is this house? - It's just a ten minute walk up the hill.
- So dead sprint, minute? Minute and a half? - I'm really psyched to check out this place.
- Yeah.
I mean I'm getting paid so well, I figured, why not start investing? I've already thrown so much money down the toilet.
- Doing what? - Throwing money into a toilet.
It's stupid in retrospect.
But in the moment, you feel so rich.
Will you come with me to the open house? I told Gina I'd stop by her office and after that I'm free.
Speaking of Gina I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention this to her.
- Sure.
Why? - She's been riding me about how I'm wasting money.
I don't want her to know I'm buying something.
- You're buying something expensive? - No.
No, no.
I was just Joey, you've been spending money like a crazy person lately.
First the giant pickup, then the Segways then the plasma TV for "the boring part of the stairs.
" Hey, that landing was a real downer.
You're the first member of this family to make any decent money.
- You don't know how it's gonna last.
- You made your point.
I promise, I won't buy any more stupid stuff.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some lines to memorize.
You do it, Mr.
You pity that fool.
Damn it.
- What's going on? - I'm in a legal mess.
- My friend Alex is a lawyer.
Alex? - Yeah, what's up? I just found out I'm being charged with assault.
Why? What happened? I was having sex with Phil Collins.
Right in the middle of it, I realized I was having sex with Phil Collins.
And then I just went berserk.
I've handled a lot of assault cases.
Have you ever been arrested? Bobbie Morganstern hasn't.
But, well, things could get tricky if they dig up the rap sheet on Roberta Faye Muncie.
Well, look, I could make some calls for you if you want.
Usually they'll drop the charges if you agree to some kind of anger management therapy.
I don't need anger management.
I have my own way of dealing with my pent-up hostility.
Really? What do you do? I have a beautiful Zen garden.
And I go out there and I slap around the little Asian man who tends it.
This place is awesome.
Hello, I'm the realtor, Susan Walters.
- Please feel free to have a look around.
- Okay.
Look at the view.
There's a nice deck out there.
So, Susan, is there anything we should know about this place? Yes, the roof may need a little work.
Also, in the interest of full disclosure the people who rented this house last used it to shoot pornographic films.
I feel like I know this place.
It's as if I've been here before, again and again and again.
Have I been here before? It's just I feel like I was here for a slumber party or something.
- And then a lot of crazy stuff went down.
- I was at that party too.
Excuse me, where's the bathroom? - Down the hall on the left.
- Down the hall on the left.
Guys, this house was used to shoot pornos.
- You watched my tape? - Yeah, well, you left it in the VCR.
- It was pretty good, right? - Yes.
- Guys.
So, what do you think? - Yeah? I really love this place.
I think I think I'm gonna make an offer.
Really? You don't want to look at any other houses? No.
It's the perfect combination of elegance with a disgusting past.
It's me.
Bobbie, in anger management we try to get to the emotional root of your hostility.
Now, I understand your parents divorced when you were very young.
That must've been hard.
Well, you know, I never really allowed myself to feel the pain.
But now it's coming out.
Oh, please come home.
I'll be a good girl if you stay.
Please, Papa? Mock all you want, but you're obviously repressing something.
Anger can be a difficult thing to talk about, but we all experience it.
I have it, I'm sure Alex has it.
Yeah, just this morning someone cut me off and I flipped him the bird.
I never do that.
- Perfect.
- Let's use Alex as an example.
Tell me about this person who made you so mad.
Well, he was just this cocky guy in a Ferrari driving around like he owned the road.
He didn't even see me.
That's a very interesting specific.
I'd say there's probably a carefree guy out there in your life who doesn't notice you.
I bet you're picturing him in your mind right now.
- No.
No, I'm not - You know his name.
- No, I don't.
- Say it.
- I just - Come on.
Say his name.
- I wanna hear his name.
Just say it.
- Come on, say it.
- Say it.
Say it.
- Just say it, Alex.
- Say it.
Say it.
- Just say the name! All right, fine! It's Joey! Well, well, well.
Oh, a little Dutch boy has a crush on the movie star.
Wow, I never realized how angry he's making me.
I mean, he refuses to grow up.
He dates these dumb girls and the worst part is he just thinks we're buddies.
That's a great example.
Thank you for helping us, Alex.
But if you want my advice, confront Joey or your anger is gonna keep coming out in inappropriate ways.
For what it's worth, he did tell me that he can't stop thinking about you.
- Really? - Not really.
I'm just running numbers on the house.
Can you help me? Yeah, sure.
In one of the movies there, six women were able to fit in the hot tub.
Okay? Now, If I reduced the average breast size from a D to a B do you think I could fit ten? Joey, we need to talk.
I'm very angry with you.
- Why? What did I do? - It's not even your fault.
And I wouldn't bring it up but if I don't confront my anger that it could come out in very inappropriate ways.
Alex, Alex, hey, you can tell me anything.
Okay? That's the great thing about our relationship.
We're buddies.
Yeah, we're buddies.
So, what did you want to talk about? Well, I'm angry with you, pal.
Because you haven't been telling me more about these ladies you're dating.
Like the one last night.
I bet she had a nice rack.
Oh, man, I'm late.
All right, I gotta go, but later on, we are gonna have this conversation.
Oh, great.
I can't wait.
Chew with your frigging mouth shut.
You slack-jawed jackass.
- Hey, hey.
What's up, man? - Hey.
Hey, check this out.
I'm dating the prop lady on your movie.
- Check out what she gave me.
- Oh, you're so lucky.
I'm sleeping with the lighting lady and all I got with this.
Oh, hey, check out the house I bid on.
You can see it's spacious, right? - And if that gentleman would just move - What a view.
- Wait a minute, is that? - Catalina Island? Yes, it is.
Okay, now, see those two women making out on the ground? Oh, my God, is that original tile? All right, see those five people? Keep the L shape they've formed, but instead, they're a sectional couch.
- What an eye.
What an eye.
- Bravo.
Yeah? I hope this works out.
- I love this house.
- Yeah, me too.
Nothing like a boy sitting on the couch watching porn with his uncle's friend.
We're not watching.
Joey's gonna buy this - Playground.
- What? Yeah, I'm buying a playground for the children of porn actors.
- Okay, fine, I'm buying a house.
- What? - You haven't put thought into this.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
It's done.
I'm waiting for the realtor to let me know they accepted my bid.
- I am not letting you do this.
- That's her.
Hello? Yeah, no Joey doesn't want the house.
Take another offer.
Hey, it's Joey.
Listen, I wanna - What is the matter with you? - I'm not gonna let you blow your money.
The only thing you know is that they shot porn there.
That's not true.
I know you can fit You're not doing it.
That's not the only phone in the house, Gina.
Where's the cordless? Hey, Susan, it's Joey.
Listen, I What? Already? And there's nothing I can do? I understand.
Thanks, bye.
Well, I lost the house.
Thanks a lot, Gina.
I've been sick about this thing.
I gotta find a way to get him that house back.
Hello, Susan? Hi, this is Gina Tribbiani.
Joey's upset that he lost that house.
Is there any way we could make an offer now? There might be.
The seller's become uncomfortable with the other bidder.
It was her childhood home, she'd prefer to sell it to a young couple like you and Joey.
- Married? He is your husband, isn't he? She thinks we're married.
What the hell.
We're married.
Well, your timing is perfect.
I have the seller right here.
Hello, dear.
I'm Margaret Bly.
Tribbiani, that's an Anglo-Saxon name, right? Sure.
- Do you have any children? - Oh, I actually do.
I have a son.
Well, why don't you drop by and bring your little boy along? "My little boy"? And if it's not too much trouble, on the way over pick me up some marble cake and a carton of menthol cigarettes, any kind.
Well, don't look at me like that, she offered.
Man, she thinks I have a little boy, and she wants me to bring him.
No problem, you use my girlfriend's son, Milo.
- Really? - Yeah, he's at school.
But I'll sneak over there during recess and I'll grab him off the playground.
Joey, come down here.
Hi, Gina.
I have to apologize for exploding at you.
I'm having issues that have nothing to do with you and I need to address them.
Oh, good, you're here.
Joey? Hold on a second.
What do you want, Gina? Come.
I found a way to fix things between us.
Yeah, you'd better.
What kind of a sister are you? My good friend Alex wouldn't do anything like that.
Right, buddy? Yeah, right, buddy! Alex, do you wanna play racquetball later? Yeah, maybe after you finish your breakfast! Bobbie, so far, you've been nothing but patronizing, abusive, profane and sexually inappropriate.
I never want to see you again, so I'm willing to sign this paper.
But just to maintain one shred of professional integrity I really need you to say, "I won't attack Phil Collins again.
" - I cannot say that.
- Good enough for me.
Oh, good.
You're still here.
Leonard, I really need to talk to you.
I have been totally insane lately.
I'm sorry.
I'd love to help but I'm done here.
- No, I don't think you understand - I said I'm done! What is your problem? I can't talk to Joey, and now I'm totally out of control.
I just wish I had never slept with him.
Think you're the only one who feels alone and rejected? I know what it's like to hurt.
And when I hurt, I need a friend.
- Do you need a friend, Alex? - So much.
Alex meet Jack.
Joey's a great guy, but Jack he'll love you forever.
We're supposed to be married and Zach is bringing a kid? I'm never gonna get this house.
I am trying to fix this.
I'm doing like you do, following my instincts.
No, no, no.
We're supposed to follow my instincts.
Okay? Your instincts led you to run out on the ice, pregnant, during a Rangers' game.
To celebrate a hat trick.
- There you are.
Where's the kid? - I ran into a hitch.
I couldn't get Milo to leave school.
I tried everything.
I offered him candy, I told him his mother was in the hospital.
When I opened my jacket to show him my cool buckle all hell broke loose.
But don't worry about it, because I got you this.
A doll? What the hell am I gonna do with a doll? It's not a doll.
It's an animatronic baby.
I got it from my girlfriend.
They use it on shows like ER.
Carter killed this thing twice.
Here, hold it.
Check this out.
I'm telling you, it'll work.
- See that? See the head move? - This is never gonna work.
I'm Margaret Bly.
I'm Gina Tribbiani, and this is my husband, Joey.
- Hi.
- And this is our son Heimlich.
Oh, Roscoe, hush.
Let me put him out.
Come in, make yourselves at home.
"Heimlich"? Nice name.
I'm sorry, did I pick a weird name for the robot baby I had with my sister? Hey, come on.
Don't worry about it.
You guys go on in.
I'm gonna be over here by this window working the remote.
I have the kettle on for a cup of tea.
- Oh, look at him sleep.
- Yeah.
- So peaceful, so still.
- He's a good boy.
Isn't that right, Heimlich? I haven't seen the house.
Can you give a tour? Oh, certainly.
Right this way.
Oh, this was a wonderful house to grow up in.
Brightly lit.
Lots of closets for lots of toys.
Oh, and I must show you the charming crawlspace where my sister and I would hide when father succumbed to the demon drink.
Hey! - So there's four bedrooms upstairs? - That's right, and three and a half baths.
God, this place is really perfect.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
You and your husband seem like wonderful people.
Where is Joey? There he is.
I was just checking out the backyard, magnificent.
Let me just have a moment alone with my son.
Hey, moron! Okay.
Oh, boy, he loves the sound of my voice.
Oh, tea's ready.
Right this way.
There's a plate of cookies in the other room.
I'll be right back.
This is a disaster.
- What? It's totally working.
- Totally wor? Is it me, or you smell something like burning plastic? Heimlich.
We are not good parents.
Hope you like chocolate chip.
Where's Heimlich? Well, he got a little gassy, so the nanny took him out to the car.
Well, that's just too bad that he won't be able to see your faces when you find out.
- I'm selling you the house.
- I got the house? I got the house! Well, aren't you gonna kiss your wife? I love you, falafel.
Have you met Bobbie's friend Jack? You would really love him.
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Joey.
- Is your elbow bleeding? - Yeah, I fell on the sidewalk.
Co Come here.
Are you okay? No, I'm not okay.
I've been putting this off but there's something that I've wanted to tell you.
And since you never get anything through your thick skull.
I'm just gonna spell it out for you.
I'm mad at you.
- Why? - Because I love you.
And I love my falafel.
I love you too.
Now, but why don't we put you to bed.
Here you go.
Come on.
Back off or I'll cut you.
To good friends and good family.
The people that are gonna make my dream house my dream home.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
I mean, what a beautiful place.
I've never seen anything quite so charming.
Hey, where's the bathroom? It's down the hall on the left.