Joey s02e13 Episode Script

Just Just a second, I Oh, you know what? Let me get a little more comfortable.
Oh, sure, okay.
Oh, where's my bra? Well, I took the liberty of removing it on the way upstairs.
That is amazing.
It's part of my sexual sleight of hand.
Oh, I've also switched your underwear to a thong.
Come on, Alex, I'm not that good.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are we sure this is a good idea? Oh, yeah.
I'm all about enjoying life.
I told you, it's my new thing.
We're young and single.
We should seize the moment - "Oh, yeah" was fine.
- Oh, okay.
You know what? I just remembered.
I thought of something you really like.
- What? - I got some champagne downstairs.
- Oh, you remembered? - Of course.
I'll also grab some chocolate syrup and whipped cream.
Oh, sexy.
A little Nine 1/2 Weeks? Sure, yeah.
If there's enough.
Got a girl upstairs? How do you know? The only other time you move that fast is when the microwave timer rings.
Well, excuse me for trying to burn off a few calories before enjoying a Croissant Pocket.
Out of the way, Alex is waiting.
- Alex? - Yeah.
Joey, wait.
I'm not so sure you should do this.
Oh, no, don't worry.
We talked, it's totally cool.
- She told me all about her thing, so - She told you she has feelings for you? - What? - What What you said.
That she told you about her thing.
That she has feelings for you.
That was not her thing.
Her thing was being fun.
Feelings is the opposite of fun.
This is bad.
You cannot tell her I told you that she's in love with you.
In love with me? You said feelings.
- She's been totally obsessed with you - Obsessed? You said in love.
- How long has this been going on? - Since the first time you slept together.
What? All this time? Yeah, and it's been really hard on her.
You cannot sleep with her.
Right.
Why? She's one of your friends.
It'll screw up everything.
Right.
Crap.
All right, well, I gotta get out of it.
Well, what do I do? Joey, you are gonna have to turn down sex.
I can do it.
I can do it.
I'll just use some of the excuses women have used on me.
Hey, hey.
Several women have turned me down for sex.
Most on the day Princess Diana died, but - Good luck.
- Yeah, I'm gonna need it.
I'm irresistible.
All right, you know what? I gotta try to find a way to tone down my sexiness.
Michael's rain hat.
- You look kind of cute.
- Of course I do.
Hey, tiger.
Hey, fella.
Oh, bright lights.
You're not shy, are you? Oh, well Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, killer.
Aren't we gonna talk first? You wanna talk? Yeah.
I'm not a piece of meat, Alex.
I have a mind.
Foreplay starts here.
You wanna talk? - Okay, how's this? Take off your shirt.
- No, no, no.
Why not? Well, I don't feel like my body is very pretty today.
What? And besides, I'm bloated, I haven't shaved my legs and the princess We lost our English rose.
What is going on? Can I not mourn the people's princess? Okay.
You're being really weird.
Do you not wanna do this? Whatever, you know.
What do you wanna do? Joey, I'm in your bedroom, my bra is off, I think you know what I wanna do.
The La Brea Tar Pits it is.
I'll be in the car.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'll be done in a minute, okay? - Okay.
So I stopped by Joey's last night and he said you were over.
Everything okay? Oh, yeah, things are great.
I was in Joey's bedroom, and I threw myself at him, and he didn't sleep with me.
Never felt so rejected.
Don't say that.
What about when your husband left you? You ever wonder why you don't have any other female friends? Hey, I have you and Cheryl from the Psychic Friends Network.
Who, by the way, said that you would betray me.
Look, I never expected Joey to jump into a relationship with me.
But if I can't get that guy into bed, there must be nothing there.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
It's just been such a waste of time and energy.
I got his name for Secret Santa.
Do you know how much trouble I've gone through to arrange the perfect present? - What'd you get me? - Nothing, I didn't pick your name.
That is not the betrayal.
Oh, I just I feel like such a loser.
And I shouldn't have to feel that way.
The other night when you and I went out, guys were throwing themselves at me.
That Dean guy even sent me flowers.
Whoa, he is hot.
And he is much better than Joey.
He is richer, and he is older, which means he'll be dead sooner.
I don't think I'm ready to start seeing other guys.
All I know is I need to stay away from Joey for a while.
- What about his Christmas party tonight? - I can't go to that.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Oh, come here.
I've walked into a Lifetime Original Movie.
Will Meredith Baxter-Birney win her fight with bulimia? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm in such a good mood.
My new boyfriend, Albert, is picking me up for lunch.
He's the most amazing man I've ever met.
Really? What's he like? Well, he's strong and virile and he's spent the last two years traveling round the globe hunting big game.
There she is, ripe for the kill.
And me without my sexiest-woman-in-the-world gun.
Come here, Albert, I want you to meet my assistant Gina.
And this is Alex, she's the janitor in the building.
No, I'm not a janitor, I'm a lawyer.
Look, honey, I don't care what you were back in the Ukraine.
Now you're in America, and you're a janitor.
- Is that a new outfit? - Why, yes, it is.
Change it.
You look like a tramp.
I don't want the men around here seeing so much of you.
Okay.
I'll go buy a new outfit right away.
Make sure that it is tight and too long so that you trip.
Now, pull yourself together and meet me downstairs.
Wait.
Will you touch me today? You know I don't touch you in public.
Please.
I shall almost touch you.
Oh, Albert.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Swing and a miss, Michael.
Hey, so Gina told me that Alex is, like, in love with me.
Did you guys know about this? We couldn't say.
We were sworn to secrecy.
Well, I can understand that from you.
But you we were fake married in Mexico.
That should mean something.
- I'm sorry.
So how'd you find out? - At the worst possible time.
Right before Alex and I were about to sleep together again.
- What? You slept with her? - No, and it wasn't easy.
But you know what? I made the right choice.
That could really mess up our friendship.
- Yeah, Alex is a nice girl.
- She is.
She's cool, and she gets me, and we have fun, you know.
- You gonna talk to Alex about this? - No.
I'm just gonna be normal.
Go back to having fun together, and that's gonna start at my Christmas party tonight.
What? You're having a Christmas party here tonight? Yeah, you should totally come.
There's gonna be some great women at the party tonight, like her.
Let me see.
- How'd you meet her? - I didn't.
I'm now famous enough where I can pick a model in a magazine tell Bobbie I wanna meet her, then Bobbie calls her and bam, hot-girl takeout.
- That is amazing.
- Yeah, gotta be careful though.
Last week, I was careless with the page number I told Bobbie.
Ended up on a date with Val Kilmer.
But he did take me to a really nice steak house.
- Man, this is gonna be great.
- Yeah, it's perfect timing too.
You know, I've been with two women now.
It's time for me to step up to models.
You know what? Maybe I better call someone a little more your speed, Michael.
Yeah, where's the "before" picture for that female-baldness ad? Alex, it's Joey again.
Where are you? The party's started, get over here.
Look, stop it! Stop it! Anyway, hurry up.
We really miss you over here.
Come on.
- Bobbie, hey, you made it.
Merry Christmas.
- Oh, Joey.
Hi.
Thank you for having us.
If you touch my girlfriend again I shall put you on a spit and roast you like a Christmas pig.
Sorry, my British is a little shaky, but if you're asking for a cigarette, I don't smoke.
- Come on, Joey wasn't hitting on me.
- Enough of this.
A warning, stay away from my woman.
I have been trained in the Sumerian death-art of Kalanapahara.
- Bobbie, initiate the dance circle.
- Yes, everyone, stand up and clap.
He seems like a solid dude.
I don't like the way Bobbie is around him.
She is not herself.
Joey, some of the models are here.
You wanna come and introduce us? Yeah, yeah.
I'll be there in a second.
I invited the girls.
I didn't wanna be a wingman for these guys.
When they get around women like this, they have these stupid things they go to.
Zach name-drops the lamest celebrities.
And Michael, now he's scored with a couple of women, has this weird confidence.
I know.
He's been unbuttoning his shirt lately to show off his one chest hair.
It's not good, Joey.
Wow, Joey Tribbiani.
I'm Robin.
- And this is my friend Tonya.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
Robin, this is my friend Zach.
He's a actor/producer.
Yeah.
And this is my nephew Michael.
He's a grad student at Caltech.
Well, you know, my concentration is Applied Thermodynamics but my passion is passion.
And the chase begins.
Man, is that kid awkward.
It reminds me of something my good friend Marlon Wayans told me about Jackée.
He said that Has any woman ever stuck around to hear the end of that story? Judge Judy did.
- Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Howard.
Hey, I know that Alex had you in the Secret Santa but I wanted to get you a little something anyway.
Walkie-talkies! For both of us! So we can talk when you move to your new house.
That's great.
Thanks, Howard.
And And And a telescope.
So you can see me.
I'm gonna be standing in this courtyard every day from 5 to 8, waving.
Okay.
I'm gonna go set this up at your house right now.
- You don't You don't have a key.
- Yes, I do.
- Hey, there you are.
- Oh, hey, Joey.
I was afraid you were gonna miss it.
We are gonna have the best time tonight.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, actually, I made plans.
What? Is that a joke? This is my Christmas party.
I mean, holiday party.
Sorry, Machmud, sorry, Ari.
- Come on in, it's gonna be great.
- No, Joey, I really don't - Hey, everybody, Alex is here! - Hey, Alex! - See, isn't this great? - Yes.
Oh, hey there, how you doing? Oh, good to see you.
Oh, those look good.
Jingle bells.
Merry Christmas.
See you next year.
Just kidding, whatever.
Whoa, whoa, where you going? I told you, I have plans.
Yeah, but I got Drunken Santa from the mall to come.
You love him.
- No, you love him.
- You get so mad.
"This is an offensive corruption of the holiday spirit.
" And then your face turns bright red.
It's great.
That man does not deserve to be called Father Christmas! - See? Look how cute you are.
- No, no, don't do that to me, okay? Don't call me cute.
And don't be charming.
Just let me go home.
Whoa, hold on.
- This is about the other night, isn't it? - Well, yeah.
But nothing happened.
It shouldn't make things weird.
Well, it's weird for me.
I'm sorry, Joey, I just I can't be around you right now.
Why? Come on, Alex.
Look, everything shouldn't change between us just because of one night.
It's more than just one night for me, and I think you know that.
Let's just stop playing games, okay? I wanted to be more than friends.
But after the other night, it's pretty clear that you don't.
- Alex, I just I - It's I know.
Joey, I'm at your house.
I can see you.
You look sad.
Over.
- I feel terrible.
Alex is so upset.
- Of course.
I mean, she's crazy about you, and you just don't feel the same way.
The best thing you can do right now is give her some space.
Yeah, okay.
I have lost visual contact.
What is your twenty? If you can hear me, please respond Man, this Christmas party's ruined.
First Alex.
And it looks like it's not gonna snow, and Joey, we are in L.
A.
It is not gonna snow.
You know who likes snow? My good friend Elvira.
Hello, Michael.
I understand that we're both seeing people.
- Actually, I just broke up with my girlfriend.
- Just when I'm in a relationship.
Is it possible that we are living the greatest love story that ever was? - Hey, Michael, come on.
- Okay.
Would you give us a hand with the girls? We're not getting any traction.
I'm not in the mood right now.
We need you.
They won't give us the time of day if you don't introduce us.
It has nothing to do with me introducing you.
You're having problems with these models because you both act ridiculous.
You with the confidence, which is like What? And you with the name-dropping, it's I haven't been that insulted since Cedric the Entertain Okay, enough, enough.
Enough.
Look, you need to just relax and talk to these girls like a normal person.
That's easy for you to say.
You have this special way with women.
There is nothing special about me, okay? I just act normal around beautiful women.
If I acted like you, I would strike out all the time.
Look, here, watch.
I'll show you, watch.
Hey, hi.
You know, I have a Return of the Jedi bedspread and I've done it with two girls.
- I'll be number three.
- What? Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hey.
Wanna hear about the time I went to SeaWorld with Patrick Swayze's brother? Girls, Joey's telling an amazing story.
I'm trying to make a point here, ladies! Hey, Drunken Santa.
Great.
You made it.
- Good to see you, Joey.
- Hey.
Hey, man, you're not drunk.
Oh, no.
I quit drinking a few months ago.
Turned my whole life around.
Eating well, working with a trainer.
Never felt better.
- I'm paying you 80 bucks.
Get drinking.
- Will do.
I'm going over there.
Drunken Santa is getting loaded up.
Alex can't miss this.
No.
Don't be so selfish.
The only reason you should go over there is if you have feelings for her, which you do not.
Who says I don't have feelings for her, huh? Do you? Well, I care about her.
And I'm definitely attracted to her.
But is that enough to take a leap and risk screwing up our friendship? I don't know.
Joey, if you really wanted to be with her, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
You'd be over there right now.
And you know it.
Gina, could you get me a drink? I'm not allowed near the bar.
Albert doesn't like the way the bartender looks at me.
What? That's crazy.
The guy's like 80 years old.
Yeah, but in all fairness to Albert, I did sleep with him once.
This might not be any of my business, but I don't like the way Albert treats you.
You're such a strong woman.
I hate to see some guy pick apart what makes you so great.
You know, sometimes when you talk, I just hear: Bobbie, this party bores me.
Let's away to my Dodge Caravan.
Oh, can't we just hang out for a while? I'm having fun.
- I said we're leaving now.
- Come on, Albert, it's kind of early.
Tell your irritating assistant she's not to speak to me.
Now, you wait just a minute.
I'm the only one that gets to call Gina a miserable old bitch.
He just called me irritating.
Now, look, I wanna stay, and I'm tired of you telling me what to do.
Roberta, we will discuss this in the Caravan.
- Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we discuss this.
- Whoa, just giv That is the single sexiest thing I have ever seen.
You are untamable.
- Kiss him again.
- No, no - Now you kiss him.
- Very well.
- Yeah.
- No, no, no! - I have a card here for a Joey Tribbiani.
- That's me.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
"To Joey.
This Christmas, you deserve to have all your wishes come true.
Love always, Alex.
" "P.
S.
Look outside.
" Snow? Alex gave me snow.
She arranged this two days ago before all that stuff between you two happened.
I'm going over there.
- No, Joey - No.
I know what I'm doing.