Joey s02e14 Episode Script

Joey and the Snowball Fight

Previously on Joey: This is bad.
You cannot tell her I told you that she's in love with you.
- In love with me? You said feelings.
- Yeah, she's been totally obsessed with you.
- Obsessed? You said love.
Jimmy is Michael's father? I drank myself blind and robbed a McDonald's.
Just stop playing games.
I wanted to be more than friends.
It's pretty clear that you don't.
If you really wanted to be with her we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I'm going over there.
Oh, my God, Dean's still over there with Alex.
He spent the night.
He's wearing the "Ten Reasons Beer Is Better Than Woman" T- shirt I loaned her.
I just got number four.
I can't believe I blew my chance with her.
Like, how could she be with Dean, huh? He doesn't deserve her.
All he thinks about is sex, you know.
Going from girl, to girl, to girl, to girl.
He's a total pig.
- You know you just described yourself, right? - But he's old.
Joey, look, all these things you just said about Dean are good for you.
This thing with him and Alex is not gonna last.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
And as soon as he's out of the picture, I'm gonna swoop down like a sex vulture tracking down a blond chipmunk.
I did it again, that's another great saying.
- Joey, Gina? - Hey.
Oh, I just had to come by and show you.
Your new action figure's come out.
Oh, my God.
They made an Agent Ron action figure from the movie.
Oh, this is so cool.
Wow, look at that, that's amazing.
It looks just like me, huh? Wow.
You know, funny how Ken and Barbie split up right when this guy shows up on the scene, huh? Coincidence? Why, you rascal.
Congratulations.
It looks great.
Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, what's wrong with my arms? Come on, give me a little muscle here.
Oh, well, at least they gave me good pecs.
I don't think those are pecs, Joey.
Agent Ron's got boobies.
Maybe they made a mistake at the factory and put your head on the wrong body.
Well, you've gotta fix this.
Look.
Well, don't you worry, I will.
But before I make them jump through hoops to change this, I just gotta I don't have breasts.
Sir, there's something up ahead and it's coming this way.
It's a giant hermaphrodite.
Oh, hey, Dean is leaving my apartment in the morning which some of you might call the "walk of shame.
" But I don't feel any shame about it.
If everyone's so curious about what happened, then I will tell you.
We didn't do anything.
And it wasn't for lack of trying.
- This guy wanted it bad.
- It's true.
I was not subtle.
Okay, this is fun, let's go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Spent the night and no action.
Bet you're dying to get out of here.
No, Alex and I are gonna go out to brunch.
You struck out at her house, you're not gonna get any for an omelet and some French toast.
- French toast? I'll do anything for that.
No, listen, Joey.
This is gonna sound weird coming from me, but it's not about the sex.
I like Alex.
I mean, I think I could really like Alex.
Shut up.
- You can tell me, buddy.
Be honest.
- No, no, I'm serious, man.
- Listen, I better get going.
- Can I get a ride? - Where you going? - To brunch with you guys.
I can't believe that.
He seems like he really likes her.
What are you gonna do? I can't do anything for now.
Dean is my friend.
A dude can't move in on a girl that's with another dude.
That's the dude code.
- You gotta look out for yourself.
- But he really likes her.
You know, he even said, "It's not about the sex.
" He's talking like a woman.
No, no, not you, you're like a guy with boobs.
- Like you? - Shut up.
I forgot to tell you, Jimmy's back in town.
He wants to talk to me.
Jimmy? Oh, no.
I'm not ready to see him yet.
I haven't decided if I'm gonna tell him I'm his son.
I should go.
Are you gonna take off any time he comes around? No.
I'm gonna tell him.
It has to be right.
I'm just spitballing ideas, but a great time to tell him might be while you make me a sandwich.
- Hey, Jimmy, welcome back.
- Hey, Joe, how you doing? - Good.
- Michael.
I've really missed you, man.
Hey, look, if I gave you some signal that made you think I wanted this, I'm sorry.
You know, we never have to apologize to each other.
- So, the kid, what's the upside here? - He's cool.
He's cool.
- You want something to drink? - Yeah.
So, what's up? It's Gina, man, you know? I figured now that I'm back, we could really reconnect.
But she won't return any of my calls or nothing.
I had this job offer out of town, came back just to be near her.
I don't think the Army counts as a job offer.
What do you know, all right? The recruiting guy really liked my ideas.
- Jimmy, what the hell are you doing here? - Why won't you call me back? Because I don't wanna talk to you.
You disgust me.
- Oh, yeah? I disgust you, huh? - Yeah, you make me sick.
- Make more saliva.
You're gross.
- Yeah, maybe your mouth is too dry, huh? Stop calling me.
- You see? - Yeah, yeah, you're a couple of sickos.
Yeah, it's a thing of beauty.
Come on, man, I'm going crazy.
You gotta help me out.
- Okay, I'll talk to her.
- All right.
Thanks, I owe you one.
- No problem.
- Hey, Jimmy.
You wanna have a catch? - What? No Hey.
He got me again.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, do you have any curry? I'm cooking dinner for Dean tonight.
Sure.
Yeah, it's right over there.
Thanks.
So, you and Dean, huh? Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that.
Is that weird, him being your friend and everything? Weird? No, I think it's awesome.
In fact, you know what will make it a really romantic dinner? There's still snow on the patio, have it out there.
Okay, that's a nice idea.
That'll be fun.
Thank you.
Yeah, okay.
Stupid Dean.
That curry should be giving me diarrhea, not him.
- Hey.
- Hey, Zach, you know how dudes have a code about not moving in on another dude's girl? - Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah, are there any loopholes to that rule? None that I can think of.
So there's no way that it'd be okay for me to move in on a friend's girl, huh? Wait a second, are you sleeping with my wife? - What? What wife? - How did you even meet Sun-Yung? I don't care if it was a green card thing you find yourself another woman.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Zach.
I am not sleeping with your wife.
I wouldn't do that to you.
- This was outside for you.
- This must be the new action figure.
This is gonna be so cool, huh? Great.
What are you talking about? The doll is black.
Oh, is it? I don't really notice that kind of thing.
Joey.
Something horrible has happened with the doll.
Oh, hi, Zach, I didn't notice you there.
Something horrible has happened with the doll.
Bobbie, don't these things go out in two days? - Yes.
- You gotta fix this.
This is terrible.
Oh, I wish I spoke Korean.
But I don't think the people at the factory understood me.
Hey, I'll call my wife.
- Hey.
- Hey, Mom.
What's going on? Why'd you guys want to meet me? - Jimmy's coming.
I think you should talk.
- Joey.
Gina, no, no, look, you gotta give him a chance.
He's a really good guy and he's Michael's dad.
- Why are you being so weird around him? - I'm not.
Everything's normal.
- Can I get you anything? - Ginger ale.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
- What are you talking about? - You've never ordered ginger ale before ever in your life.
That is not true.
I order ginger ale all the time.
- What color is it? - Okay, fine.
I'm pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
- Gina, this is huge.
Are you okay? I mean, are you happy about it? Yeah, I'm happy, I guess.
I'm just a little freaked out.
I'm gonna have a sibling.
Michael, decide which beer you're gonna have later, okay? Your mom is having a baby.
And the dad, is? Jimmy.
Again.
Gina, don't beat yourself up.
Anyone can get pregnant accidentally by the same guy twice.
I can't believe I'm gonna be a single mother again.
Look, we are gonna do this together, okay? And this could be a good thing.
Wow, you're gonna be a mom.
And I'm finally gonna be an uncle.
- Hey.
- Of a real boy.
So, wait, I don't understand.
- Why are you avoiding him? - I haven't figured out how to tell him yet.
I wanna do it right, I don't wanna freak him out.
- Hi, guys.
How you doing? - Hey, good.
Here, sit down.
- Your ginger ale.
- Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
Are you serious? Oh, my God.
I can't take this, my life is over.
Hey, Jimmy, calm down, relax.
Come on, let's have a beer.
Can we get three siblings? Hey, Gina told me you were working here.
Look, we need to talk.
Joey, I got nothing to say.
I know it's shocking to find out that you're going to be a father but you can't just not deal with it.
And I gotta tell you, I think you'd be great at it.
Oh, it ain't that, man, you know, I know I'm great with kids.
- Sir, do you work here? - No, I'm wearing this just for fun.
Good luck reading the book, you dummy.
- It's a lot of responsibility, you know? - Hey, did you just yell at my son? I'm sorry if my friend scared your kid.
That was totally inappropriate.
Hey, let me see your doll for a second.
That's what a dude's chest should look like.
You like that, right? Look, Jimmy, you gotta step up here.
You need to show Gina that you're gonna be there for her.
I don't know if I can.
Well, you'd better figure out how to, okay? Otherwise I'm gonna come back and beat you senseless with this copy of Brokeback Mountain.
Hey, this is about cowboys.
You know what? I'm gonna buy this.
- Hello? - Joey, I have some bad news.
They don't have enough time to change the dolls.
So, what would you rather be? Black or a woman? I don't know.
I'll get back to you.
- Listen, Zach.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Can I grab something? Yeah, sure.
Okay, so I guess there's no time for them to switch the dolls so I have to choose which I want to be.
Oh, easy, you'd definitely rather be black than a girl.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Is there something wrong with being a woman? - Well, no.
What are you saying? You'd rather have a sex-change operation than look like me? Operation? No matter what I do, I'm gonna have a smooth bump in the front.
Well, whichever you choose, it will make less money than he would as a white man.
- What? - My doll's not gonna have a job.
- Because of people like you.
My God.
Look at them out there.
I can't take this anymore.
Joey, just tell her you have feelings for her.
Forget the stupid guy code.
Oh, sure, yeah, let's just throw out the code.
What's next, huh? Hos before bros, huh? The guy who calls, "Shotgun," sits in the back seat, huh? He who smelt it didn't dealt it? Lt'd be chaos.
I think I'm just gonna go out here and get in the way of their date.
- That's okay under the guy code? - It is, historically, a gray area.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Listen, I'm cooking something in there and I need my curry back.
- Right now? - Yeah.
I could blow that off and just join you guys, but I got a hankering for curry.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Well, yeah.
We're on a date.
Oh, right.
Yeah, romantic dinner.
Nice bottle of wine, candlelight, patio full of potato flakes.
Not real snow.
No.
I don't want to kill the mood, but you should know.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
- Got my curry back.
- Yep.
- Time to start cooking.
- Go to it.
I will.
But first - What? That's terrible.
What is that taste? - Curry.
You're reading a book? Yes.
It's a really cool one.
Brokeback Mountain.
It's about cowboys, men being men.
It's so weird though, I keep catching these typos.
He kisses her chest.
Hey.
Well, it's about time.
Yeah, I know.
Look, is Gina here? I thought about what you said.
And I want to do the right thing.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- That really says a lot about you.
You know? You're a special guy.
What is it with this kid? He's creepy.
Go sit on the mantel.
Jimmy, what are you doing here? Hey, look, come here.
I came here to tell you that I wanna be a part of this.
This is a bear for the baby.
And this here's a video tape about bear attacks because I don't want our kid thinking bears are our friends.
I'm impressed.
Yeah, well, look, I gotta tell you, you know it was a big surprise, but Gina I never had any intention of not being here for you and seeing this thing through.
- The bear's shirt says "Go Greyhound.
" - So I went to the bus station.
I came back.
Well, I'm glad you did.
But you didn't have to.
I'm not - I'm not.
- You're not? - Really? - Are you okay, Mom? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just wrong.
- How? - Well, my cycle usually starts - Hey, I don't care.
You're off the hook.
Yeah, no.
I guess I am.
I hope this doesn't mean we don't get to keep the bear attack video.
What do you say I take you out tonight and get you freaking hammered? I'd really like that.
Let's go.
Hey, you know, Gina.
I'm a little disappointed.
You know having a kid with you would have been really special.
- You really mean that? - No, Nancy.
I'm saying that to get her in the sack.
What's the matter with you? Look on the bright side, huh? Jimmy did bring something for his kid.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Hey, you know what you need right now? Have a seat.
There's a baby bear.
Yeah.
Good idea, feed it, hikers.
Because when there's a baby bear, there's a mama bear.
That's a lot of blood.
- Hey.
- What? I wanted to thank you for ruining my dinner.
What the hell were you doing? - I just wanted my curry.
- And how insensitive are you that you don't notice that you're ruining my date? How insensitive? What, you want, like, a number? - Yes, Joey, I want a number.
- Well, I'm not gonna give you one.
And what is with the big mess out here anyway, huh? I mean, what is this? It rained last night, so the snow that I gave you turned into mashed potatoes.
- Well, are you gonna clean it up? You think I should clean this up? This was a gift.
Oh, nice gift.
Maybe for your birthday I'll fill your car with onion rings.
What the hell has gotten into you? You are acting crazy lately.
Well, I just have this weird thing that sometimes I hate it when people are jerks.
Are we doing this? Because if you're gonna start throwing Okay.
I was holding back, but I played JV softball so Oh, my Hey, guys.
Guys, I'm trying to study.
What are you, children? Come on.
Hey, you don't throw stuff at my nephew.
You hear me? I throw stuff at my nephew.
All right, Joe, don't you make me retaliate.
- All right.
- Give me your best shot.
I don't want to throw it at you.
- It's dangerous.
- Oh, here you go.
You know what? It's stupid.
Stupid.
I think that proved my point.
What? Nothing.
I just I owe you an apology.
This was a really thoughtful gift, thank you.
Okay.
So then, what's wrong with you? All right.
The other night, after we talked at my party Oh, that's why you're upset.
I'm so sorry.
It was your party, and I just dropped all that heavy stuff on you.
- No, Alex, that was okay.
- No, it wasn't.
I thought about it and you were right.
We're better this way, as friends.
You really think so? Yeah.
I know so.
So then Yeah, so then we're okay.
Hey, Alex, you ready? Hey, Joey, how are you, man? - What's going on? - It's a long story.
I'll tell you about it in the car.
Bye.
So the final version of my doll is here and I think everyone is gonna be happy, okay? - I went with white head, black torso.
- All right.
I went with the woman's legs because her feet were, unfortunately closest to my real feet.
It says if you press a button on the back, it talks.
Awesome.
Agent Ron, what is our status? Mommy, I need to be changed.
Well, at least it didn't Oh, no! I wet myself! Gross.