Joey s02e17 Episode Script

I can't believe I finally get to move in tomorrow.
This place is perfect for you.
And look at this TV.
It's huge.
It's 71 inches.
Porn is gonna be - Terrifying.
- I can't wait.
- The house looks amazing.
- You haven't seen anything yet.
Okay, let's say Let's say I bring a girl home and she's not quite sure she wants to sleep with me.
I know, I know, it sounds crazy.
Well, maybe some romantic lighting and sexy music and a fire will change her mind.
- Are you holding my hand? - No.
Man, this is a powerful room.
And if that doesn't work, well, then I just break out the big guns.
My 2004 Aquafresh Best Smile Award.
I got it during a commercial at the People's Choice Awards.
Pretty good, huh? It has everything.
Including a way to avoid that awkward conversation with a girl the morning after.
Check this out.
Thank you for a wonderful night.
Please proceed to the nearest exit and drive safely.
Have a nice day.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Here's the new lease for Michael and his friends to sign.
- Are you ready for your big move? - Pretty much, yeah.
Hey, listen, we really haven't talked about it, but where do things stand with you and Dean? We're figuring it out.
I'm not really comfortable talking about it.
Well, you know where I stand.
Whenever you're ready, I'll be here waiting.
Really? You're not sleeping with other women? I'm not really comfortable talking about it.
Hi.
We just came by to get some towels and beer.
Are you guys going up to use my pool? I don't want you doing that.
It's getting messed up.
This is actually something I wanna talk about.
This new house is my new house, okay? You guys can come up there when you are invited.
It's not gonna be like it was here where everyone just comes and goes because you wanna steal booze, or they towed your house or you got scared watching an episode of CSI.
All of his victims looked just like me.
It was very scary.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Do you wanna go to the observatory? Why would I wanna do that? They have this great telescope there.
Maybe I can show you some of my favorite constellations.
I feel like I'm giving you a dirty look, but you're still talking to me that way! I'll take you to work.
- I don't have work today.
- It's a euphemism.
I can't watch you get rejected by him anymore.
You gotta tell him he's your dad.
- I'm waiting for the perfect time.
- There isn't a perfect time.
Do it.
- Yeah, Michael, he's right.
- You know what? You are right.
Okay.
I'll go down to his work today and just tell him.
Good for you.
So, what time are your movers coming? I don't need movers.
I'll move my own stuff.
Joey, this is a huge job.
My roommates are gonna be here in a few hours.
Okay, relax.
I've got the boxes right here.
I will take care of this, all right? Oh, my God, it's so boring.
I gotta get a mover.
Why are you assuming you can take no responsibility and everything will magically just work itself out? Hey.
I noticed you weren't packed up so I arranged to have someone do it for you.
See you! Well, that was nice, huh? Okay, I don't get everything I want.
Like, right now, I'm wishing that And I will bring you pizza.
It's tough to learn when God loves me so much.
Hey, thanks again for finding me movers, Howard.
So who are these people? Oh, this is my executive management team from the bank.
Your stuff is being moved by four CPAs, six MBAs and a guy with a Ph.
D.
In economics who's not putting his back into it! Hey! Hey, Nathanson! Come on! You move boxes worse than you manage private equity portfolios! Now, pull your head out of your ass! - I'm sorry, Mr.
Peckerman.
- Oh, you disgust me! I can't wait to go swimming in your new pool! I'm gonna do a cannonball and make a big splash.
Bye.
Hey, Jimmy.
You're back from work early.
Anything happen down there today? Yeah, it was weird, actually.
I had a pretty big bombshell dropped on me.
You're not gonna believe this.
Actually, I know.
Really? Why didn't you tell me? I thought that was Michael's place to do that.
He's your son.
My boss told me I don't have dental.
I just did this whitening thing.
I got half white, the other half Michael's my what? Oh, my God, he was supposed to tell you.
You're saying that You're saying that Michael is my son? That's impossible.
Come on.
You gotta admit, it makes sense.
You know, you and Gina slept together 22 years ago.
You and Michael are both really smart and intense.
And Gina says it's you.
We both know Gina wasn't the most conservative lady in high school.
She went through football players like she went through basketball players.
Well, she seems pretty sure.
You're telling me I'm a kid's dad and you're pretty sure? No.
This could change my life and his.
I gotta be 100 percent sure.
Okay, well, there are tests you could take.
- What? A paternity test? - Yeah, I took one once.
I guess a paternity test is a good idea.
We just need to get a little bit of DNA from both of you.
Let's get Michael's without him knowing.
If he's my kid, I don't want him to think I'm freaked out.
Well, I guess we could try.
I bet we can get him to drink your milkshake.
Hey, Michael, are you home? Yeah? Oh, hey, Jimmy.
- Hey, I didn't tell him.
- I didn't tell him either.
Hey, Jimmy's got a milkshake that he's not drinking.
You want the first sip? Sure.
- So, what have you guys been? - Just drink the freaking milkshake! - That's good.
Yeah.
- You like that? Okay, thanks.
All right, we got our DNA, huh? I feel like I did something wrong.
Well, this is the last of your things.
Well, thanks again, Howard.
Listen, I never had my stuff moved by bankers before.
How much should I tip? Well, Henderson got a $600,000 bonus last year.
So, what, like 20 bucks? Well, this is it.
I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.
This is really exciting.
Feels like just yesterday you moved in here.
I'm gonna really miss having you next door.
I'm gonna miss living with you.
These were the best two years of my life.
And the most recent two years of mine.
Well, a lot of great memories in here, huh? But it's time to move on to To bigger and better things.
Goodbye, apartment.
- We're still here, Joey.
- Don't ruin it, Alex.
Well, here we are.
My new neighborhood, huh? Hey, I didn't realize you had a TV in here.
I don't use it while I'm driving.
It's dangerous.
Did I tell you my idea for a one-man show? - Let's see what's on.
- This is Jen Rogers reporting live from the scene of a fire in the Hollywood Hills.
Man, look at that thing burn.
Let's check this out.
Look at all those fire trucks.
That's gotta be some fire.
Loud, huh? I paid extra for that surround sound.
It's so clear.
It's like you're there.
- It's amazing.
- Yeah.
Hey, check it out.
That's a yellow truck just like mine.
That salesman told me I had the only one in L.
A.
Check it out.
The dumb jackass parked it right in the middle of the fire trucks.
The fireman's walking up to the window.
What? Oh, my God.
That's my truck.
That's my house.
My house is on fire! I live in that house.
You gotta do something.
We're doing our best.
We think we're gonna be able to contain it to the kitchen.
That's where the food lives.
What are you doing back here? My house caught fire.
- What? Was anybody hurt? - No, but the big TV is gone.
This is all that's left.
I'm was gonna burn it and scatter its ashes over a Best Buy.
He would've wanted it that way.
Oh, my God.
I mean, how did it happen? The fire department's gonna do an investigation.
I should know more tomorrow.
Well, come on in.
Thanks, Michael.
It's nice knowing I got my old place to come back to.
- What the hell? - Red alert.
Intruder on the Bridge.
It's okay, Arthur.
He's with me.
These are my roommates.
This is Arthur, Rajeev, and you already know Seth.
This is why you were excited to live here? So you could play Star Wars all day? Yeah, not Star Trek, Star Wars.
Right.
We all know the USS Enterprise is prominently featured in Star Wars.
Right, this is Chewbacca, and this is C-3PO.
Aren't you like 40? I'll have you know I'm 36.
I'll be in my room.
Joey, wait.
Look, you're welcome to stay here.
But your room is not your room anymore.
Now it's the captain's quarters.
Every week, we rotate command and a different one of us gets the room.
The only exception is if one of us brings a girl home, then he gets the room.
Do you also have a plan if one of you finds a unicorn? So where am I supposed to sleep? What do you want, Arthur? They say you've had sex.
Tell me does it hurt? Poor Joey.
Look at this place.
Does he know how it happened? I don't know.
I guess he talked to the fire inspector this morning.
Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
I have something very serious I need to discuss with you.
Please be seated.
- On the floor? - Sit! I got the report from the fire inspector.
The fire started in the kitchen.
The cause of the fire? Human error.
And the human who made the error is in this room.
You think it was one of us? You told us not to come here.
Interesting, interesting, interesting, Alex.
Interesting that you would say that when I know for a fact that you were up here.
I found a book in my living room.
How do you know it wasn't your book? It's a book! - So Alex started the fire? - Not so fast, chicken legs.
I talked to my construction guys, who told me a skinny kid was up here recreating Tom Cruise's underwear dance from Risky Business.
Did they say that the kid looked cool? And you two.
I hold in my hand a personal check from Zach to Gina for $5.
The memo reads, "From secret poker game at Joey's house.
" Don't cash that for a couple weeks.
I can't believe this.
One of you better confess right now I can't hold it in any longer, Joey.
I started the fire.
I didn't call you up here.
I was with you all day.
I know you didn't do it.
Can I stay anyway? It's the most fun I've ever had.
All right, I'm gonna give you all a chance to come clean.
Who did it? You people are unbelievable.
You don't respect my space.
You break into my house.
And now one of you burned it down and you don't have the guts to admit it? And you wonder why I'm excited to be moving out.
It's because of stuff like this.
Oh, great.
My new roommate is texting me another sex question.
Oh, my God.
Arthur, that's not even close.
Okay, he's asleep.
Let's get in, get the DNA, and get out without waking him up.
So we'll just cut off a piece of his hair or something, right? - Is that blood on there? - No.
Hey, Joe, after we get the hair, you wanna gut one of them? Oh, God.
- Don't panic.
I don't wanna hurt you.
- What are you doing? You're having a nightmare.
You gotta go back to school.
And there's a test, only you haven't studied.
- I have a test? - I haven't studied! I'll put on a pot of coffee.
- Hey.
- Oh, God.
Thanks for coming over.
I need to talk to you about something.
I don't speak Klingon, you freak.
He's on the phone with his parents.
That's Hindi.
I don't care what made-up language it is.
On Earth, we speak in English.
All right.
Look, I got your message.
What's the matter? Oh, God, I did something terrible, and I feel really, really, really guilty.
- What is it? - Remember when I backed into your car and I claimed I saw a leprechaun do it? Yes.
I think that same leprechaun burned down Joey's house.
- Gina.
- It was an accident.
I was at the house with Jimmy.
We had candles.
We were using the sex oil, the kind that's highly flammable.
You can only get it in Thailand.
What's it called? I don't know.
Anyway, I must not have blown out all the candles.
I didn't realize until Joey said the fire started in the kitchen.
- You have to tell him.
- I know, but I don't know how.
God, this is so bad.
Okay, okay.
Well, sometimes when I have to deliver bad news first I'll say something worse to soften the blow.
Like how? One time, I got a C on a test, so I told my parents I failed.
When they found out the truth, they were so relieved that I didn't really get in trouble.
Okay.
Hey.
So I just got more bad news about the house.
Mom's dead.
- What? - Yep.
- The funeral's Tuesday.
- What? Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
I gotta call Dad.
Oh, you can't.
He killed her.
Dad killed Mom? And the mailman.
Gina, stop that right now.
Tell him the truth.
All right.
What I'm trying to tell you is I started the fire.
- You started the fire? - Joey, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident.
We had all these candles and this massage oil from Thailand.
You used Sex Furnace around candles? Gina, it says right on the bottle, "You are not be using at flame.
" - Joey, I'm sorry.
I feel so bad - I don't wanna hear it.
My own sister breaks into my house and burns it down.
This is the worst thing that's happened since that leprechaun broke my stereo! Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, by the way, thanks a lot for burning my house down.
Yeah, no problem, Joe.
- So you got the results? - Yeah, right here.
I haven't opened it yet.
I'm petrified.
I mean, this could change my whole life.
- Well, only one way to find out.
- Yeah.
I really am sorry about Gina and the house Let's not worry about that right now.
Come on, stop stalling.
Did you listen to Al Franken's radio show? Stuart Smalley's gonna lecture me about - Open the letter! - All right.
I'm the father.
Oh, hey, I got you a cigar.
- "It's a boy.
" - They didn't have, "It's a man.
" - Congratulations.
He's a great kid.
- Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
You're used to having people around who need you.
I hate people.
Half the time I'm talking to you, I wanna put a bullet through my head.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Do you need anything from the bar? - We're good.
Okay.
I thought you might wanna talk.
What if it turned out it wasn't my kid? What if it weren't true? Jimmy, you're the only one who didn't know it was true.
That's my son.
So hitting your kids, that's frowned upon these days, right? Hey, Michael, how you doing? - You told him.
- How did you know? - He's not yelling.
- I yell all the time? - You're crazy.
- It's because you're creepy! Hey, that is your son.
And that is your father.
- Let's start over.
- All right.
Michael, you wanna go to that observatory thing you were talking about? Yeah.
I'd like that.
All right, let's go.
This is so cool.
Now I can ask you stuff about my family history that I've wanted to know.
Do the men in our family go bald? - No.
Not a one.
- Yes.
Because we're all dead by 40.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What happened to all the Star Trek stuff? Well, I figured after what I did to you the least I could do is get you your place back.
So I talked to Michael's friends and I got them to leave.
Okay.
Well, that's a start.
But you still owe me.
I know.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, you two have fun together? Yeah, it was nice.
I learned a lot about Michael.
Did you know he was straight? Wait, what are you two doing hanging out together? Oh, Mom.
Jimmy knows.
Are you okay with this? - Well, first I was worried - Not you! Yeah, babe, I'm all right.
It's a lot to take in though, you know Wait a second.
Where are the guys? - I kicked them out.
- You kicked my friends out? You don't treat my son that way.
- Your son? You've known for an hour.
- You never told me! I could've been taking a tax deduction! You need to make money to pay taxes! Hey, can you guys keep it down? You're being really loud.
I thought Gina got rid of all the nerds.
- I am not one of the nerds.
- Hey, they're not nerds, okay? Arthur's moped helmet has a lightning bolt on it.
It's late.
Could you try to be a bit more quiet? Alex, please, this is a family thing.
Shut up.
Get lost.
We're yelling! What are you smiling about? Nothing.
Just If I moved, I would have missed this.
Keep fighting.
- Why is a clump of your hair missing? - That's from the DNA test.
What? Who wanted a DNA test? All right, I don't know how to tell you this, Michael, but your mom is dead.