Joey s02e18 Episode Script

Joey and the Beard

I cannot believe what happened to my house.
Let's just get the pictures for the insurance and get out.
All right, how should I pose? I don't think you should be in the pictures at all.
Michael, I'm an actor.
If I use my powers to convey how upset I am, they'll give me more money.
I just I need a sec, okay? Here, here, right here.
Why? No, that's my bad side.
Why? Do you hear something? Who the hell is in my house, huh? I got a rifle and a broad sexual appetite.
What are you doing here? Oh, you know, I lost my apartment.
And I figured I'd crash here a while.
In my burned-out house? That's crazy.
It ain't so bad.
I'm used to the smell now.
And after I made an example out of the big one, the raccoons finally respect me.
- Okay, so my dad's a squatter? - I gotta hear this from my kid? My entire life people have been labeling me, huh? Squatter, dropout, chubby-chaser.
I say to each his own.
Except for high Episcopalians.
You're either Catholic or shut up.
Okay, look, Jimmy, you can't stay here.
I got no place else to go, Joe.
Have you thought about moving in with my mom? She'd probably like that.
- That's not a bad idea.
- All right, it's a big step but let me give it some thought.
- Okay, great.
All right.
- Let's take the rest of those pictures.
- Right.
Would you mind lying in the ashes like you're dead while I cry out in anger and pain? - Oh, so they pay you more? Sure, yeah.
- Why? - That was the one.
You get it? - Well, no - Unbelievable.
Oh, right this way, Edie.
I'll be just a second.
Oh, my God, is that Edie Phillips in your office? I'm such a huge fan.
I know.
She's the perfect actress.
Critics love her, and so do trashy pinheads like you.
I know.
Joey's on his way up.
Oh, good.
I'm gonna set him up with Edie.
Oh, really? I always heard she was a lesbian.
Do not say that out loud.
She has a huge romantic comedy coming out.
- The public needs to think she's straight.
- Okay.
So I don't want to hear you calling her the L word or the M word or the G word.
I don't wanna hear about how she VZs.
And I don't wanna see any pictures of her R-ing some girl's O while some H K's in the background.
Okay, okay.
So you want Joey to be her beard? Exactly.
Good luck convincing people.
Everyone knows she's gay.
Hey, I got your message.
Edie Phillips wants to sleep with me.
Joey, I think you misunderstood my message.
All right, Edie doesn't go out with men that often.
Been a bit of a dry spell, huh? Well, tonight's forecast calls for heavy doing it with a strong chance of more doing it over the weekend.
Hey, by the way, any network bites on my treatment for Sexy Weatherman? Joey, I don't think you're hearing me.
It's not just that she doesn't date men.
Edie H's J's.
It's a little weird for a straight girl, but I'll roll with it.
- Oh, my God, Edie Phillips.
- Hi, Joey.
Thanks for doing this.
And I trust you'll be discreet about it.
- Let me ask, are you also? - Oh, yeah.
So I've arranged your date tonight, and I've alerted the press.
I'll walk you out, Edie.
Make sure Joey knows what's going on.
What does she mean? You know how you think you're gonna sleep with Edie? Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Oh, my God.
Would you look at this? It's so embarrassing.
The woman I'm going out with tonight is on the cover of People magazine.
- Edie Phillips? - That's right.
Do I feel a jealous front moving in with scattered showers of regret? Seriously, talk to Bobbie Sexy Weatherman is the next Desperate Housewives.
I'm sorry, but isn't Edie Phillips supposed? Yep.
- And Joey doesn't? - No.
I was in charge of telling him.
I have failed to do so.
Hey, Joe-Joe.
Gina, there you are.
- I've been wanting to talk to you.
- What's up? Look, things have been going real good between us, you know.
And maybe I don't come out and say it as often as I should but you make me happy in ways that sometimes I don't deserve.
What the hell? Do I barge into your private moments and make noises? - No, that was nice, I - This is between us.
Look at the table.
- Jimmy, she was Okay.
- You too, table.
Anyway, I just feel so lucky to have found you after all these years.
And I figured that maybe we could take the next step and move in together.
- Jimmy, I would love that.
- Yeah, it'd be good.
You know, I mean you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
What? The table did something that made me sad.
- So me and Gina moving in, huh? - I'm proud of you, man.
This is huge.
Yeah, it's the biggest thing we've ever done together.
Are you gonna make it about you? Like the other night: "Give me some dessert.
Sing me a song.
" It was my birthday.
All right, here we are.
All right.
Jeez, I don't know why she lives in this neighborhood.
I mean, look at this veteran hooker.
Not interested.
Hey, Gina.
Welcome home, honey.
Okay, thanks for the ride, guys.
- See you later.
- Yeah.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Come on.
Let's start our new life together.
- Let's do it right now.
All right, let's get out of here.
This is disgusting.
No, no.
They rolled underneath the truck.
- So your parents are finally living together.
- Yeah, I know, it's cool.
I wonder what they're doing.
Maybe making dinner or dancing to their favorite song.
- I can't take it anymore! - What the hell's going on? - That woman is impossible.
- I can't make it work.
- It's been like seven minutes.
I tried, Joey.
God knows I tried.
- We got green lights all the way home.
- I'm willing to make this work but relationship is about compromise.
Did you make it inside her house? No, the fight happened outside, all right? Nobody tells me I carry my bag weird.
What? Table.
Are you crazy? Look at the table.
Come here, handsome.
I mean, you paid no attention to me in the limo.
When I leaned across you to get that bottle, I put my butt right in your face.
Could you close the curtains? Oh, what are you doing? - What we were doing before.
- Well, we don't need to do that now.
Well, we don't need to do it, but we wanna do it.
Thank you.
Thanks again for doing this.
Oh, please, spending the night with a beautiful woman.
- What's better than that? - Not much.
- Okay, please stop doing that.
- Why? Okay, let me just see something here.
Now, I don't have this completely figured out but I think when you were very, very young a curtain did something to you.
Look, Joey, was Bobbie clear about what we're doing here tonight? What do you mean? Going out with you is a publicity stunt.
I don't have sex with men.
Oh, my God.
So you only H J's.
And to think, I put cologne on my M for nothing.
Wow, this is odd for me.
I'm out to dinner with a beautiful woman and there's only a chance we'll end up in bed.
- No chance.
- Really? You must be very gay.
Hey, can I ask you a personal question? Why do you need to pretend to be on a date with me? Well, I'm in the public eye.
It's important that I maintain a certain image.
Bobbie told me the same thing, yeah.
That's why I'm not allowed to answer questions about race relations anymore.
So we've got a night out together.
What do you wanna talk about? Well, I don't know.
Well, we're both actors.
We could talk about that.
Did you, like, study? No, I just make it up as I go along.
I memorize some of my lines.
Whenever I don't know what to do, I just put on this big fake smile and America finds it appealing.
Oh, hey, I got a go-to move also.
It's this devil-may-care smirk.
The last TV pilot I did, test audiences found it smack-face-y.
- See? This is fun.
- Yeah.
Okay, so just to be clear.
We'll hang out, have a nice dinner.
When the cameras are around, you'll make out with me? - That's right.
- Okay.
Celebrities over here.
Damn paparazzi, huh? Hey.
How was the weather for your date last night? I heard there was a low sex-front moving in and it was unseasonably lesbian.
Oh, great, so Gina told everyone? Yep.
Did you two have a gay old time? I will have you know that even though I'm just her beard Edie and I had a great time.
We had a lot in common.
She'll be here any minute to pick me up for a full day of bearding.
- Beard is not a verb, Joey.
- Neither is television or cake but I use them all the time.
Michael, cake me, I'm gonna television.
Hi, guys.
What's for dinner? - Jimmy, I thought you left.
- Oh, I did but me and Gina had another fight.
I needed to cool off.
I'm really glad you made me do this.
This living with Gina thing is working out great.
Is it? Yeah, you know, we've really taken things to the next level.
Okay, let me ask you something.
You like living with Gina, huh? - How many days you been together? - Two.
- How many nights here? - Two.
Get to the point before the skinny chick's eyes bore a hole in my towel.
Oh, there's that noise again.
- Hey, honey.
- Oh, hey, baby doll.
- In your rage, you forgot your toothbrush.
- Oh, thank you, honey.
- You coming home tonight? - No, I'm gonna crash here.
- Sounds good.
See you tomorrow? - Maybe the next day.
- I love living with you.
- I love living with you.
- You are not living together! - What are you talking about? You're living here, and you, you're living there.
When people live together, they live to One, two Gether.
You need to live in the same place.
Okay? Maybe over at Gina's.
Go there now.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- Jim, Jimbo.
- Yeah.
- Aren't you gonna put some clothes on? - Oh, no, I came like this.
I was real angry.
Hey, Bobbie.
Sorry we're late.
We went to Chinatown.
Then we did some bearding at the Dodgers game.
It was great.
They put us on the JumboTron.
This one, straight as an arrow, huh? She's kissing me talking about the pitcher's hot body, huh? And, hey, nice touch using the women's bathroom.
So tomorrow night, Joey's going to the Independent Movie Awards with me, right? Yeah, here are your tickets.
You are the best beard ever.
And I've had Matthew McConaughey.
- Oh, I hear he's good.
- Bye, Joey.
Bye, Bobbie.
- See you.
- Bye-bye.
She is the best.
Can you see what kind of flowers she likes? I wanna bring her some.
On Wednesday, we're not booked for anything.
- I was thinking we should go to the beach.
- The beach? Flowers? Joey, what's going on here? I like her.
I feel like we're becoming friends.
What? This beard thing is strictly a business arrangement.
Come on, you know the rules.
Never let her out of your sight never let your guard down, and never fall in love.
Isn't that from the movie The Bodyguard? Oh, come on.
Don't mess this up.
This arrangement is working out great for everybody.
I mean, people are starting to think that both of you are straight.
Bobbie, I am straight.
"Bobbie, I am straight.
" Come on.
Can you hear yourself? Thanks, Michael.
I wanna look perfect for Edie.
This is a big night.
- You really care about this woman.
- Yeah.
It's amazing when you take sex out of the equation how quickly you can make a connection with someone on a deeper level.
That's why I always avoid taking it to a sexual place with any of my female friends.
- I almost couldn't even get it out.
- I know.
I can't do this.
Your sister's crazy.
The situation is untenable.
- But, Jim - The situation is untenable.
- Jimmy, Jimmy.
- Gina's driving me nuts.
I had to get away.
I can't stand to look at that bastard's face.
Oh, here's the bastard's face.
Look at it! Look at it! What are you doing here? - Getting away from you.
- I'm here getting away from you.
- I'll take Joey's room.
- I'll take Michael's room.
Stop! Look, this relationship is never gonna work if every time you guys have a problem you run away from each other.
You need to look each other in the eye and talk it out.
- I don't wanna talk to him.
- Get her away.
- They look like two magnets.
- Michael, be quiet.
Hey, nobody "tables" my son.
His metaphor is apt.
- No, you two are working this out.
- Stop it.
- Get her away.
- No.
Hey, okay, fine, go in there.
You're staying in there till you work this out.
You think you can keep us in here? We'll go through the window.
Oh, sure, go out the window, not the front door, you idiot.
- You're calling me an idiot? - No, I'm talking to the other idiot.
Welcome back.
I don't know why I'm nervous.
I'm not gonna win.
Of course you are.
Hey, now, when you thank me in your speech I was gonna go for a fake cry.
Now, do you want just a subtle welling up, like: Or do you want more of a: - You wanna cry for me? - Well, someone should.
You should be sharing this with someone you're in a real relationship with.
You don't think I want that? I think it's crazy that you feel the need to bring a fake boyfriend to this but if I am here, I'm gonna give you what you deserve.
That's very sweet.
I actually don't think I'm gonna mention anybody by name.
But if I win, just know you've been great.
And the award for best supporting actress goes to Edie Phillips.
My girlfriend.
My girlfriend.
What a rush.
We are gonna have some heterosexual sex tonight.
Wow, this is such an honor.
I wanna thank everyone involved in the film.
My fellow actors, the fabulous crew.
And, wow, I wasn't going to do this but I need to acknowledge someone who's very special to me by name.
I haven't known you long, but you've really touched my life.
I mean, this award is also yours.
Please stand up the love of my life, Miss Barbara Switzer.
Okay, let's hear it for my girlfriend's lesbian soul mate.
Tonight was so exciting.
I feel like there's a weight off my chest.
So are you so excited about coming out that you might consider? Sleeping with you? Are you kidding? I had to ask.
- So is that a? - It's a no, Joey.
I had to take a shot.
So are we still on for that benefit Saturday? I don't think so.
I mean, after tonight, Barbara can do that stuff with me.
So no more you and me out on the town? Well, I just don't need a beard anymore.
I'm sorry, Joey.
But I do appreciate everything you've done.
I understand.
It was always a professional arrangement, you know? You know what? I'm happy for you guys.
Hey, how about a little champagne, huh? Nothing? - Hey.
- Hey.
I saw the awards show.
So the secret's out.
- Yeah.
- What's the matter? - I thought you wanted her to do that.
- Well, I did but then after, she told me she didn't need a beard anymore.
She shaved me, Alex.
I'm sorry.
This whole thing was such a waste of time.
I don't know.
It's actually kind of nice to see you have feelings for a woman when sex isn't Involved.
It suggests, dare I say, emotional depth.
- Great, kick me while I'm down.
- No, that's a good thing.
Sensitive men are very appealing.
Are we? Well If I could add sensitivity to my other already well-documented gifts I could be really impossible to resist.
Could be.
Maybe you should think about that.
Maybe I will.
I think we're done.
We're too tired to fight anymore.
Okay, great.
But before I send you guys home, let me test something.
Gina, look at that stupid shirt Jimmy's wearing.
You look like a moron.
Jimmy, you gonna take that from her? I'm gonna kill you, you bitch.
Hey, you did it.
You've worked through your problems.
- You're right.
- This is huge for us.
God, is it possible that I feel even closer to you? Is it possible that I want you even more? I'll kill you, you bitch.
- What? - No? How does he pull that off?