Joey s02e19 Episode Script

Joey and the Critic

A toast to my movie opening.
It's gonna be great to see it in a theater full of real fans surrounded by the people closest to me.
Hear, hear.
I forgot.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
What can you do? I have some other huge news.
Bobbie just closed a three-picture deal with Warner Bros.
For me.
Joey, that's awesome.
Great, Joe.
How much did it cost for you to sell your soul? This from a guy who just sold his sperm for $25? Hey, you know, they originally offered 20.
You gotta be willing to walk away.
Am I right, Alex? I think it's great.
They're gonna let him pick out his own movie projects.
Yeah, I get an office, I get to hire a development executive.
I got my own production company.
I'm gonna call it Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions.
Because if you take all the letters in "Joey Tribbiani" and you rearrange them, that's what you get.
Wait.
No, you don't.
There's no S in your name.
There's no D, there's no M.
That's your opinion, isn't it? When someone calls the office my development executive's gonna answer the phone: "Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions.
" Why? Because that's my catch phrase.
I say it all the time.
Any time I walk in or out of a room.
- You've never said that.
- Yeah.
- You don't - I've never heard that.
Really? Because I'm always thinking it.
Let's get to the theater.
I hate missing previews.
All right, here we go: Don't start now.
That was That was amazing.
I mean, the audience was so into it, right? I gotta tell you, that was one sophisticated action movie.
I loved the twist at the end when the old guy gives you the locket and you learn he's your father.
My father? What movie were you watching? It's the same guy as the photo of your dad from the beginning.
Oh, my God.
- That means that his wife was - Yes.
Oh, my God.
What? No.
Yeah, no.
This new job at the mall.
I gotta pick up an extra shift.
My new boss has it in for me.
- Oh, what's he mad about this time? - I blew off work to see this movie.
Jimmy, you didn't have to do that.
Not your movie.
I saw Capote this afternoon.
Poor Jimmy.
He's so brilliant but he keeps getting stuck in stupid jobs and screwing up because he's miserable there.
Wait a second.
I should hire him.
I love Jimmy.
He should be my development exec.
He's the smartest guy I know.
He's a genius when it comes to movies.
You saw the way he figured out the old man was my dad.
Joey, it was you in old-man makeup.
Hey, Jimmy.
- How's it going, you got a sec? - Hi, Joe.
You come to see me or the store's curiously nipply mannequins? No, no.
Look, come on.
You're wasting your time here.
How about you come and work with me at my production company? That'd be cool.
I don't think I should leave this job.
I found I have a real knack for retail.
Excuse me? How do I look in this? - Is it for work or leisure? - It's for work.
What's your job? You a fat prostitute? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, come on, huh? Lt'd be fun.
Like when we were 10, only now it won't be weird that you have a beard.
- You really wanna hire me? - Yeah.
You're someone I trust.
You're the smartest guy I know.
I need you.
I have to admit it sounds pretty good.
But I don't want any charity.
I wanna interview for the job just like everybody else.
- You got it.
- Okay.
You're not wrong about these mannequins.
Yeah, that's an actual woman, Joe.
Then I got some apologizing to do.
On the way in, I stuck gum on her.
I guess I'll have to replace this.
Oh, my God.
It's happening.
Alex, it's Joey.
He's doing it.
Get over here.
- Oh, hey, Michael.
- Hey.
Here we go.
If anybody wants any water, it's all set.
That was the best one ever.
I really needed that this morning.
I've been in kind of a funk.
Why? What's going on? Dean and I broke up.
- Oh, Alex.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
She's single.
This is your chance.
- Get, get, get.
- Oh, honey, tell me what happened.
Well, it's kind of a bummer.
But I guess it was inevitable because he was just always so - Anyway, you okay, huh? Here.
- Yeah, I will be.
Oh, thanks.
Look, I want you to know, you need anything at all and I mean anything, I am right here.
I'm so glad you said that.
I know you've been thinking about us getting together and I've been thinking about it too but what I really need right now is a friend so - Wow.
Thank you, Joey.
- Is that okay? - Joey, check this out.
- Yeah.
This is a site where people rate movies after seeing them.
People are loving your movie.
On a scale from one to 10, it's getting an average rating of 9.
7.
- Wow.
- That's so exciting.
Wait, someone gave it a zero.
What didn't he like? "Joey Tribbiani is the worst actor ever.
" Me? He didn't like me? Click on that guy's link.
He's got his own website.
It's coming up.
"JoeyTribbianiSucks.
Com"? That settles it.
I'm getting a computer.
Oh, my God.
"Lame shows.
Lame girlfriends.
" What's this? "Joey's Confession.
" Click on that.
- I pick - My nose! - And? - Eat it! - I pick - My nose! - And? - Eat it! Each one of those clips was from a different part I played.
To put this together, he had to watch everything I've ever done.
We're dealing with a madman.
Hi.
Hey.
So glad you're here.
This is gonna be great.
Remember, I only want this job if I can earn it, fair and square.
Right, "fair and square.
" Good morning, everyone.
Oh, hi.
Hey, could you wait outside with the other candidates? - Just - No, I'm sitting in on the meetings.
L I'm Trent.
From the studio.
Senior V.
P.
Of Development.
Oh, hey, great to meet you.
We've met 30 times.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But don't take it personally.
Yesterday I had a meeting with a guy who said he's like met me 29 times.
Okay, let's get started.
James Costa.
- How you doing? - Hi.
- How you doing? - Good.
So tell us a little something about yourself, Mr.
Costa.
I just moved to the West Coast.
I'm seeking employment in the entertainment industry.
It would be an honor to work at Warner Bros.
, with its rich pedigree of such films as Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon.
Okay.
Your résumé ends after high school.
I'm sorry, are my papers not in order, Herr Kommandant? What Trent meant was it'd be nice to know what you've been up to since then.
That's a fair question, Trent.
It's been a bit of a rough ride, you know? You know, there were some setbacks.
You know mainly because Hector set me up, man! Okay, you know what? - Can you wait outside for a second? - Yeah.
- That would be great, Mr.
Costa.
- Yeah.
- Out of my chair! - Okay.
I think we found our guy.
I hacked into JoeyTribbianiSucks.
Com.
I got the guy's address.
It is the work of one Gary Spindler.
He lives right in L.
A.
- Really? - Yeah.
Know what? Maybe I'll go pay Mr.
Gary Spindler a little visit.
Wow, Joey, I love the new office.
It's spacious and elegantly furnished.
But you know what you could use? You got one.
- Has Jimmy shown up yet? - Not yet.
He was a little shaky in his interview and now he's late for his first day.
Well, you need to set the tone with a new employee.
You gotta keep them in line.
No.
She hits you? It's okay.
I hit her back.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Jimmy.
Jim, look, if you're gonna be working here, you gotta be on time.
What? I've been here since 6.
I just went out to get coffee.
- What? - Yeah.
I finished reading these scripts.
I found a couple that might be good for you.
Take a look at those.
Read my notes.
I set up meetings with writers and directors.
We're gonna find something great for you.
Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions.
Okay, Trent.
Yeah, pencil us in for tomorrow.
Okay, all right, babe.
Jimmy.
Wow, I gotta say, I am impressed.
This is a whole new you.
I take this job seriously.
I'm excited about things we're gonna accomplish.
In fact, we got a lot of work to do.
Everybody out.
- See you.
- Hey, you guys wanna go ride bikes? Not you.
Come on, Joe, stop messing around.
Let's get to work.
You're being a little intense.
- Oh, I'm being a little intense.
- Yeah.
Have a seat, okay? This is the first job in 20 years where I haven't had to wash or fold something or swallow something and get on a plane, okay? I finally got a shot to use my brain.
To use my creativity.
So you tell me something, all right? Am I too intense, huh? Am I? Or am I an employee who cares so deeply about Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions that I got it tattooed on my ass? - Gary Spindler? - Yes.
- Can I help you? - Yeah.
You can look me in the face and tell me I suck.
- Sorry, I don't know who you are.
- Oh, really? You don't wanna tell me that I suck? Okay, we'll start small then.
Why don't you tell me about how I pick my butt? Or eat my boogers? Sir, I really don't know what you're talking about.
Seriously? Do you not run the website? Who's at the door, Daddy? - Joey Tribbiani? - You know this man? Yeah, he sucks.
So.
Turns out the guy who hates me is an 11-year-old girl.
Really? What'd you say to her? I told her she should get to know the real me.
So I took her out for the afternoon.
I charmed the pants I charmed her.
Hello? Oh, hey, Jimmy.
- I'm not here.
- Sorry, no, Joey's not here.
It's just me and my mom.
Striped shirt and very tight skirt.
I'm not gonna ask her that, but if I had to guess she probably is good to go, yeah.
He guessed right, honey.
Gotta go, see you later.
- Are you avoiding Jimmy? - Yeah.
He is totally obsessed with this job.
We have this general get-to-know-you meeting with the studio this week and he made me sit there for hours while we came up with a 10-year plan for the company.
- Isn't that good? - No.
It's too much.
He says we're gonna start with movies.
Then we gotta buy a cable network, and cellular towers.
I just want creative control over my films so that I can cast women with big bazoingas.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, what's going on? Oh, I just got back from Dean's.
Picking up all my stuff.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You wanna come over and watch a movie? I could use the company.
- Yeah, sure.
Anything you need, pal.
- Okay.
Must be hard having to be her shoulder to cry on, huh? I know.
It's driving me crazy.
Hey Joey, I just checked the website.
- That girl's attacking you more than ever.
- What? Yeah, look, she's got a new audio file too.
I wanna kiss boys for money! I mean, she is a really good editor.
That's not an edit.
That's the way I read the line.
Mr.
Spindler, I'm the guy from the Internet.
I was wondering if I could spend time alone with your daughter.
Kaley, Joey's here.
You two have a great time.
I'm gonna take a walk around the block.
What do you want? I saw your website.
Pretty mean, Kaley.
Or should I say, "Kay-Lame"? What are you doing? If you think it's so cool to make fun of people maybe I should come down here and make fun of you.
Nice bedspread, Holly Hobby.
Yeah? Well, nice braided belt.
My mom gave me this.
Hey, you must be Amanda.
So, Amanda, fart in science much? - Why don't you just shut up? - You started this.
Why do you hate me so much anyway? Was my movie really that bad? I never even saw your stupid movie.
- You didn't? - No.
But Brad did.
Who's Brad? Only, like, your biggest fan in the world.
He couldn't care less about me.
But you He dresses like you.
He has your poster in his locker.
He worships you.
Well, tell him to get my action figure because they're not selling so good.
Look, every time I see your face in a magazine, on a billboard I think of him.
It's not enough we have to see each other every day at school.
And we have all the same friends.
Friends.
That's That's all I am to him.
Just another friend.
What would you say if I told you I had the same exact problem you do? Yeah, right.
Her name's Alex, okay? She's my neighbor.
I am crazy about her and she just wants to be my friend.
- Really? - Yeah.
So every time the phone rings, do you hope it's gonna be her? - Totally.
- And do you ever forget about her and then run into her and you're totally obsessed again? Oh, yeah.
So I go out, have a few drinks and find a girl who looks just like her and then I So you're 11? I even made this incredible collage for him with all these pictures we were in together.
I gave it to him in homeroom and he just left it there.
Yeah.
And a collage is like the nicest thing you can give someone.
Well, hey, if it makes you feel any better, I think Brad is an idiot.
Yeah, well, I think Alex is a jerk and I hate her for not liking you.
Well, thanks, Kaley.
You're actually pretty cool.
You are too.
Look, I'm sorry about the stuff I put on the website.
That's okay.
Hey.
Who's up for pizza? I am.
Yeah.
Joe, where the hell you been? Trent's in there.
- Will you relax? It's gonna be fine.
- It's not gonna be fine.
You were supposed to meet me at 4 a.
m.
At Starbucks to go over ideas.
- They're not even open at 4.
- I said I'd bring coffee.
Great, you're here.
- Let's begin.
- Okay.
So.
Just stopped by to say welcome aboard.
Great, well we're just real happy to be here If you'd met me this morning you would've known that's the worst thing you could've said.
- Is there something you'd like to add? - Yes.
How would you feel if we could make this studio a cool $200 billion? How would you propose to do that? Here's the progression: Synergies, branding, marketing and a democratic Iran.
I'm sorry, that's just a little Do you not know the word "crazy," or are you just afraid to say it? So this is it? This is the power play? This is where you take over Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions? I am Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions.
And we are supposed to make movies.
Just movies, Jim.
Not tanks to sell to Eastern Europe.
You know damn well the military arm isn't operational until 2012.
You are totally out of control.
And you got no vision.
You got a chance to do something huge.
- Don't you want to do something huge? - No, I don't, Jim.
I wanna be lazy and hang out, okay? I wanna waste all the studio's money on expensive lunches and ridiculous gifts.
I wanna squeeze this place for as much as possible and do as little as I can get away with.
Hey, man, don't tell Trent about this, that guy's a real tool.
Okay, another great meeting.
By the way, I'm Trent.
What? Is everybody at the studio named Trent? "Hollyweird," huh? They do not like Italians.
I don't think that was the problem.
Okay, look All right, I'm gonna cut to the chase, Jim.
- I don't think this is working out.
- I know.
We keep clashing.
Yeah, so maybe it's time one of us left Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions.
I guess you're right.
L - It ain't gonna be the same without you.
- Yeah I wasn't talking about me.
I see.
Okay.
Jim, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I think this is best for our friendship.
You're probably right.
- All right.
- All right.
You mind if I get that, you know, one last time, for old times' sake? - Sure, yeah.
- All right.
Yes-I-Am-a-Bird Productions.
No, I'm sorry, we're We're not gonna be able to go there.
Go where? Space, Joe.
The final frontier.
I wanna go to space.
I know you've been feeling down lately, so I have something for you.
- It's a collage.
- Yeah.
The theme is "Good Times.
" I glued pictures of the two of us together in different places that I'd like to go with you.
Like the Grand Canyon, Paris, Venice Where is this? We're standing next to a giant scented candle? Yeah, I ran out of good pictures, so I had to use the Pottery Barn catalog.
Wow, us in London? That looks like fun.
That's a really good picture of us.
We look really good together.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Joey, this is really sweet.
What made you think to do this? Alex, everyone knows a collage is the nicest thing you can do for someone.
Well, thank you.
I really love it.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Kaley, hey, it's Joey.
Okay, I just gave it to her.
I think she is starting to "like me" like me.
Okay, hey, so what happened with Brad in school today? No way.
He did not.
Michael, I'm on the phone.
God!