Johnny Bravo (1997) s04e13 Episode Script

Johnny Makeover/Back on Shaq

- Baby!
Ooh! Check the pecs!
Hoo! Hah! Hoo!
Man, i'm pretty!
Do the monkey with me! Come on!
Hey there, baby!
Yeah, whatever.
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- Hey there, baby!
How about you and i--
- Look at that hair!
Talk about a dweeb! Ha ha!
Ha! Haaa
- Agreed. The foolish
cartoon man
Certainly lacks panache.
- Seriously.
That kid could benefit
From a few furley-fied skills.
Haa! Haa! Unh!
- Then you know what we must do,
What we are sworn to do,
What only we--
"weird al" yankovic,
Don knotts, and myself,
the blue falcon--can do!
- To the makeovermobile!
- be all you can be
with the help of these 3
"weird al," don knotts,
and blue falcon
everyone will be talking
after your cartoon makeover
yeah, a cartoon makeover
here it is!
a cartoon makeover
In case i wasn't clear,
this show is called
cartoon makeover
- Johnny bravo!
Get ready for a
- Cartoon makeover!
- Cartoon makeover!
- Halt, cartoon bravo man!
We wish to give you
and your tv show a new look!
- A new feel!
- A total makeover!
- What are you talking about?
I don't wear makeup.
- No, no makeup
will be necessary,
Especially for me,
Since i already have
defined cheekbones
And natural eye shadows.
- We just think it's about time
for some change.
- But i don't want to change.
- We're not here to
change you, johnny;
We're here to make you better
Through change!
- Yeah, right. Skip that!
Makeover shows are for chicks.
- That is correct. Observe:
- Oh, my gosh! It's the guys
from that makeover show!
- I love makeover shows!
- And i love guys that get
made over in makeover shows!
- Ohhh!
- Ohhh!
- Ohhh!
- The ladies love the makeovers.
- But the ladies already
love johnny. Huh!
- Think of it as a 1-2 punch!
- You can never
attract enough ladies.
- You got a point there.
Sure, why not?
Bring it on, batman!
- I'm the blue falcon.
- Repeat after me:
"anything for the ladies."
- Anything for the ladies.
- Anything for the ladies!
- Right. Anything
for the ladies.
- How about this?
This? This? This? This?
Oh, wait! I've got it!
Now that's a hairdo!
- More like a hair doofus.
- Trust me,
chicks dig this look.
Have you ever had a date
with britney spears?
- No.
- Then obviously you're doing
something wrong!
To wardrobe!
- Next item: Change of attire!
- What's wrong with
the way i dress?
It works for me!
- Here! Put these on.
They're square pants.
- Who do you think i am,
a rubik's cube?
That's crazy talk!
- Yeah, crazy talk like a fox!
Trust us, your ratings will
go through the roof!
- My what?
- And the losers club called--
They want their sunglasses back.
There! Elton johnny bravo.
- But i--
- Behold! My personal tailor
Made this superhero
latex suit for you.
- "j.B."
What's that stand for?
You can tell me later.
- Now you've got the look that
appeals to the 6-to-11-year-old
There's just one last thing
every tv star needs.
- Abs of steel?
'cause i've got that.
- No, silly--a catch phrase.
Something kids nationwide
will repeat
Over and over and over and over,
Until their parents go crazy.
- So, johnny,
try out some phrases!
- Bite my pants!
Johnny bGoode!
Word to my mama!
I love pudding!
UhThat one's
not a catch phrase.
I was just hungry.
Whatcha talking? Cut that out!
Excuse my dyn-o-mite!
- That's the one!
Now let's see if
the ladies respond
To the new, improved johnny!
- Ok, johnny. Just be yourself.
Hey there, baby!
- I thought you might come back!
[chickens clucking]
- Ohh!
Seriously, this is
so not working for me.
I quit!
- Now wait just
a darn tootin', johnny!
Don't you want
to get the ladies?
- WellYeah, but--
- Then what you need
is a new hangout!
Pop's diner is so old-fashioned!
- You need an extreme setting
with nonstop action!
Hark! A skate park!
- Aah!
What's going on?
- Isn't this extreme?
- Yes, quite extreme!
- Extreme to the max!
- All right, johnny. Let's see
how you do with the ladies here!
- And johnny, remember:
To fit in with
these extreme kids,
You need to use their
extreme street slang.
- Hi there!
Uh, i mean
Word, yo!
- Heads up!
Hi, sweetie!
- I'm in pain!
- But it's extreme pain!
That's a good thing!
Ok, i think it's clear
what the problem is.
- Everything?
- No!
Your friends!
That chick was
putty in your hands
Before your friends arrived.
- Johnny, what your show needs
is new supporting characters.
The ones you've got now
have gots to go!
- Except for your mother,
with her silky hair
- And her kissable lips
- And her
- Ok, i get the point!
- As a sitcom expert,
i know just what you need:
A wacky neighbor, like i was!
- But not just any
wacky neighbor--
The wackiest neighbor ever!
- Like this!
- Hey hey hey! My name is
wacky neighbotron 5000.
Care for some jabboo jabboo?
- You see, we created it
by taking the best elements
Of other sitcom neighbors.
Right now, it's in
"charming pesk" mode.
But it can also be a landlord.
- I just came here
to collect the rent
And overhear a crazy
- A nerdy religious family man.
- Howdily doodily,
- Or kimmy gibbler
from "full house."
- Hey, deej!
- I guess i'll try
anything at this point.
What about her?
- Data computations indicate
a 98.3% success rate
With a romantic proposition.
- Huh?
- She's all yours.
- Hey there, toots!
The name's johnny.
Welcome to my world!
- Ohh!
What a cute robot!
What do these buttons do?
- Hey, deej! Hey, deej!
[voice lowers]
hey, deej! Hey, deej!
[speaking gibberish]
Overheat, overheat.
[speaking gibberish]
- So, how's friday night?
Can't you guys use the door?
- Enough complaining.
You should be 100% focused on
getting a girl,
And we know just what you need.
- We're gonna trade spaces
on your heinie!
- We must destroy
these bright colors.
Women don't want
sunny and happy;
They want dark and mysterious.
Watch this action!
- Holy tone change, batman!
- I'm blue! I'm a blue falcon.
- And add a touch of whimsy
- This episode just keeps
getting weirder and weirder.
[speaking japanese]
- Don't worry. It's almost over.
Just one last touch.
[people laughing]
- What's that?
- It's a laugh track!
- A what?
- The sound of
an audience laughing.
When you say something funny
Or even not funny
- Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's watch your new show!
[hard rock music]
- jbx, johnny bravo extreme
jbx, gonna make you scream
jbx, he's everything
you're not
jbx got a talking robot
- Do the monkey with me!
- Do the robot with me!
- johnny bravo extreme
watch it!
- Hey there, hot stuff!
Whatcha talkin'? Cut it--
Ohh! Excuse my dyn-o-mite!
- Yes, excuse his
[laugh track]
- Kids? What do you think?
- Johnny should have elvis hair!
- He should talk normaler!
- I'm confused, and disoriented!
- Well, johnny, here's
your new new look!
It's totally fresh!
- UhThanks.
- Hey, what do you say we
make over the powerpuff girls?
- You know, they could
use some fingers.
- Wait! You guys can fly?
- We're the blue falcon,
don knotts,
And "weird al" yankovic!
We can do anything!
- There's gotta be
better shows on tv.
- "shaquille o'neal
Summer league basketball camp."
It's got to be better than
the plumbers convention.
So, do hot chicks ever show up
to these things?
- Hot chicks? Ha!
Who has the time for hot chicks
When there's toilets
to be plunged?
Yee-haw! It don't get
any better than this!
- What's this?
The "sugar shaqs"? Huh!
It's getting better
all the time!
- Personal foul! Two shots!
- Hip hop bam,
Shoot it alakazam,
Do it!
- Aww!
- Aww!
- Quiet! Nobody's leaving
till i make a basket.
- We know!
- We know!
- How many baskets
has he missed so far?
- What do i look like,
a calculator?
- Hmm. That boy could use some
good luck right about now.
- Do you think it's my form?
- Nah. You're perfect.
I just think you're on
a bad luck streak.
- Do i pay you to say that?
- No, sir.
- Well, i should.
- Come on, shaq, you can do it!
- Want to be a good neighbor
and give me some sugar?
[kissing sounds]
- Will you move?
- You mean like this?
Come on, shake it like
a polaroid picture! Ohh!
Ohhhh, noooo!
- Yay!
- Yay!
- Thanks for blocking my fall
And the sun.
- Come here, halfpint.
- Do i have a--ohh!
- Yay!
- Aww!
- Hey, watch the hair!
- Yay!
[crowd cheers]
- Guess what, halfpint?
Whether you like it or not,
You're gonna be hanging
with the shaq
As my new good luck charm.
Any questions?
- YeahWhaa?
- So, is he one of us now?
- Excuse me one sec. Ahem.
Hey, uh, shaquille?
- You can call me shaq.
- Yeah, whatever.
When she said "one of us,"
Does that mean me, and her,
and her, and her?
- You can look,
but you can't touch.
- As long as i get to look,
You've got yourself one hunk
of a good luck charm!
- And now, presenting at 7'1",
From louisiana state,
Shaquille o'neal!
- Yay!
- Yay!
- Huh?
- Huh?
- Can you dig it?
- Can you dig it?
- Yes we can!
- Yes we can!
- All right, shaq,
who's the tail gunner?
- What, you mean halfpint?
- Hey ya!
- Don't mess with me, big boy!
- There ain't nothing in
the rule book that says
I can't wear a good luck charm
on the court.
- We'll see about that!
- Wow! The view from
back here is sweet!
- Page 126, paragraph two:
"athletes may wear
necessary accouterments
As long as they are strapped
securely to their body."
- Ooh!
- Talk to the back!
Get it, get it?
Aw, yeah, push it!
- game on!
- Hey, buddy.
- Yeah?
- Your fly's down.
- Oh, man!
- You're in my house now.
You ready to bring it on,
- I'm good-looking
and good lucking!
Jealous much?
- Yay!
- Did you see that?
Shaq is on fire!
- For those of you listening
at home, shaq is not literally
on fire--
Just metaphorically.
It must be that new good luck
charm he's wearing!
- Oh, man!
One of you guys forgot
to wear deodorant. Phew!
- Yay!
- You hear that, halfpint?
That's for you and me, dawg.
[blowing kisses]
- All i have to say is, hey ya!
Whoo whoo! Arrrr! Sss sss!
- Whatever, buddy. Just keep
dishing out the good luck.
- Incoming!
- Unh!
- Yay!
[reporters shouting]
- Shaq, how does it feel
to get your groove back?
- Don't you mean "groovy" back?
'cause i'm here to tell you,
the view from up here
Is so cool!
- You heard the man.
You should be my publicist.
- Shaq, you just scored
like a bajillion points,
But the big question is,
Where can i get one
of those things on your back?--
Oh, but more johnny depp.
- You might try johnny depp.
- You think?
- People, people!
Please notice me,
For i am here today to offer
mr. Shaquille o'neal
A $100 million contract
To endorse charlie parsons
deep-fried bucket desserts.
- For real? I thought
i wasn't good enough
To endorse your product.
- Yeah, yeah, that was
when you were awful.
But that's all in the past!
Remember, everybody
loves a winner!
- Are you gonna eat that?
- Halfpint, i think this is
the beginning of--
- Seriously, can i have that?
'cause i'm kind of hungry.
[flashbulbs popping]
- shaqarazzi!
bling bling! Hey!
shaqamo fee nah nay!
shaq snack, baby!
- Loser!
- Yay!
- Welcome to the 10th annual
shaquille o'neal
Half time one-on-one
basketball game!
- Yay!
- Isn't there something better
to do with our half times?
I mean, our "sugar shaqs"
could use a little johnny time.
- Not this time.
This is important.
I've been waiting for
this moment all year.
Now that i've got you
as my good luck charm,
It's payback time
here in shaqapulco!
- Now introducing from
philadelphia, pennsylvania,
Last year's champion,
who put shaq to shame,
Who pummeled him
with his presence,
Who outscored, outplayed--
- Will you just
announce the fool!
- The guy who's much nicer to me
than shaquille o'neal
Seth green!
- Yay!
- Yay!
- You eat french fries
bigger than that kid!
- He may be small,
but he's squirrelly.
- Are you ready to make like
a mongoose and not win?
- Are you trying to be clever?
'cause that didn't make sense.
- Yeah, well
So what? Neither will you
when i get done with you!
You're going down, big man!
- Not this time, small fry.
I got luck on my side.
- Yeah, don't mess!
- Oh, i heard,
Which is why i came prepared.
- Huckleberry hound?!
- Huckleberry hound?!
- Howdy, y'all!
Can i get a what what?
- What what!
- What what!
- We can take them.
Remember, shaq:
Eye of the tiger!
- to 20 points, people!
- He ain't bad.
He ain't nothing.
- Look out!
- Tattletale!
- foul, green! One shot!
- What? I barely
even touched him!
- Talk about hack-a-shaq.
My great-grandma felt that slap.
- Do you mind? We're trying to
have a conversation
With the deaf and blind
gentleman with the whistle.
- Personal foul!
Insulting the referee!
Two shots!
- What are you doing?
Oh, man, i knew i should have
gone with hong kong phooey.
- Say, uh, shaq, i kind of have
to use the bathroom.
- Can't you just hold it?
- No!
- Wait!
- Let's go, shaq!
- What's the matter? Can't play
without your little halfpint?
- Concentrate, focus,
Follow through.
- Oh, brick! Brick, brick, oh!
- Wait! I'm coming!
- Sorry, buddy. Nobody goes on
the floor when shaq's shooting.
- But i'm his good luck charm!
- What the--?
- What the--?
- Yay!
- Wait!
You're not supposed
to be good without me!
- Nooo!
- yay!
- Go shaq! Go shaq!
It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
- Hey, shaq, i'm ready
to play again!
Why don't i join you up there--
- sorry, halfpint.
I guess my bad luck
was all in my head.
Thanks for all your help, but
i think i can take it from here.
- But--
- let's go, people!
- So maybe we'll
see you around
- Yeah?
- Not!
Go shaq! Go shaq!
It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
Go shaq! Go shaq
- So what am i
supposed to do now?
- Hey. You want to go drown
our losses in some hot cocoa?
- It helps take the sting out.
- Why not?
- oh, my darling,
oh, my darling
oh, my darling clementine
- Yo, dog, don't you know
any other songs?
- Mom? All the kids tease me
'cause i'm not cool and extreme
Like daniel ordunya.
- Well, maybe this
will change their mind.
- Ohh! The new shaquille o'neal
halfpint backpack!
- when you're down and out
and feeling small
when you don't feel like
playing much basketball
just grab your pack,
start up a new trend
see, everybody want
to be your friend
- Thank you, shaquille!
Now i'm not a loser!
- I can also be enjoyed by
new moms and kangaroos. Huh!
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