Johnny Bravo (1997) s04e12 Episode Script

1
- 1, 2, 3, huh!
Baby.
Sassy.
Studly!
Ooh!
Check the pecs.
Huh! Ha! Huh!
Man, i'm pretty.
Do the monkey with me.
Come on!
Hey there, baby. Ooh!
Yeah, whatever.
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
Chicks and money.
Now, that's what i call
a two-for-one combo.
Ha ha ha!
Hi there!
I'd like to withdraw
a little sugar
From the bank
of your lips.
[alarm rings]
- [grunting]
- Seriously, you guys need to
lay off the jelly doughnuts.
Hey!
Oh!
That could have been
handled better.
[applause]
- good job!
- Bravo, well done!
- Wow!
- Amazing!
- And you are?
- Don't you recognize
the voice?
It's me--allyce beasley!
Serve up a mystery,
and i'll solve it quite easily!
Just give me a holler
when you witness a crime.
But don't yell too often.
I just do this part-time.
- Huh?
- Good afternoon!
Curtis armstrong,
t.V. And movie superstar mogul.
- Good for you.
Now, if you don't mind--
- But, sir, we were
just inside that bank with you
And witnessed something
truly amazing--
A real person
with real struggles!
- Real suspense!
- Look, could you two nutmegs go
and bother somebody else?
I got me some more chicks
to chickify.
- Just hear us out!
We want to cast you
in our new reality t.V. Series
"who wants to star
in their own pilot
"for a prime-time series
as a detective
Or a detective's sidekick?"
- The title's a work
in progress.
- Look, i hate to burst
your bubble,
But i've done the hollywood
thing, and it ain't for me.
- But, sir--by the way,
i didn't catch your name.
- Johnny.
Huh!
Johnny bravo.
- Well, johnny--huh!--
Johnny bravo--
This is different
from the hollywood thing.
This is reality television.
- All you have to do is sign
this release form
Which frees us
from any wrongdoing
If you end up suffering
from emotional, physical,
Or metaphysical discomfort.
- I said no!
I can even say it in spanish.
No!
- Your lips may be saying no,
But i have two great reasons
why they'll soon say yes.
Marina draskovic!
- Wow, i'm pretty
Clinically speaking, as i've
played a doctor on t.V. Before.
[vroom]
- I'm sorry, johnny--huh!--
Johnny bravo,
But i'm afraid you cannot
interact with marina draskovic
Until you've signed
the release form.
It--
- So, marina, how's about--
what the--
- Do you mind?
I'm trying to pretty my pretty.
- Sorry. It was set to melt
flying insects.
- Like i was saying--
- Please!
This is a family show.
Try to limit the flesh tones.
- I'm ready for my closeup,
mr. Producer.
- And i'm ready for my closeup.
- AndAction!
Do you have what it takes to be
the next scooby-doo?
The next charlie's angels?
The next old chick
from "murder, she wrote"
Who also solved crimes?
But i never watched the show,
So i couldn't for the life of me
know her real name.
Well, we're about to find out
With our next contestant,
johnny bravo!
Oof!
- Now that it's just us,
What do you say we audition
each other in a kissing scene?
Mwah!
- Please!
Oof!
Arg!
- Ha!
Don't mess
with the ways of the shaolin.
- Ha!
Shaolin?
How's about showing
crouching johnny?
Yah! Ha! Ha!
- Are you mocking the ways
of the shaolin?
- It depends.
Does it make me look hot?
- Grr!
Ha!
- Unh!
[grunting]
Watch the hair!
Ooh!
- Are you getting all this?
- It's like watching lightning
in a bottle!
- Producer?
- At your service!
- This guy is so
not working for me.
- Is it because i'm prettier
than you?
I get that a lot,
you know?
- Zip it, divo!
- Miss draskovic?
- Oh, come now.
We're friends.
Call me miss marina draskovic.
- Thank you, miss draskovic.
- Please,
from behind the camera.
- Sorry.
- You were saying?
- If you don't mind
my butting in,
Of all the people we've seen,
I really believe that the two
of you have that "it" factor.
- You know, janet--
- allyce.
- I like you.
We should have dinner sometime--
Yet still sit at
separate tables.
- Sounds like
a swell evening to me.
- Producer!
- At your service!
- Let's bring on
the detectiving!
- Ahem!
Could somebody help me
out of this?
I think my zipper's stuck.
- Retrieving the unretrievable
clue, take one!
- Welcome back!
We've hidden a carrot somewhere
in the vicinity of johnny bravo.
Let's see if he can find it,
shall we?
- You know, i could stare
at you all day long.
Then i wouldn't get a chance
to look at me.
I hate that part!
- You do realize you're supposed
to be looking for a carrot.
- What do you say we skip
the carrot part
And go straight for dessert?
We can start
with some johnny a l'amour.
- Help!
Somebody help!
- Jinkies!
- A real-life mystery!
- I hope she likes pot roast!
I'm just trying to figure out
what to make for dinner.
- Well, keep rolling.
You can't write this stuff.
- What is it?
What happened?
- Somebody kidnapped my llama!
- [gasp] kidnapped?
dun-duh-dun
Did you hear that, johnny?
Johnny?
- She's a hottie.
- Could you help me
find my llama?
- We'd be happy to--
- I'd be happy to find
your llama!
Is this your llama?
- Uh, no. That's a--
- How about this?
- No.
- This?
[elephant trumpets]
- Do you even know
what a llama is?
- Ugh!
Oh, you said llama!
- Are we on t.V.?
- Reality t.V.!
- As real as it gets!
- Like, reality gone wild!
- Really?
- Unh!
- Is that your llama's leash?
- Oh, this?
Why, yes,
this is my llama's leash!
Would you like to look?
You know, i'm a natural
in front of the camera.
I was crowned
the artichoke queen
At the county fair last year.
- I'm happy to report
that your llama
Was not actually kidnapped.
- What?
- Observe.
dun-dun-duh
The leash is still moist
and frayed,
Which means that your llama
must have chewed himself free
And escaped.
- Yes, folks, marina draskovic
has just retrieved
The unretrievable clue--
The first key in unlocking
the mysteries of detectivity.
- Help-a!
Help-a!
- Oh, another chick
who needs help!
Well, what are y'all
just standing around for?
We got some detect--uh--tah--
- Detectiving!
- Gesundheit!
Let's go!
I guess we should follow him?
- We kinda have to.
- Or we could go out
for some cappuccino.
- Oh! I know a great coffee shop
around the corner.
- Mmm! That sounds good!
- Ladies,
enough chit-chat.
We've got a mystery
to exploit!
- Help-a!
Oh, somebody help-a!
- Oh, man.
I was hoping you were hot!
- Please-a!
I was just-a robbed
By a large,
horse-like creature!
He was--
- don't worry, ma'am.
I play a detective on t.V.
I'll catch whoever did this
to you!
- Really?
We're on t.V., huh?
- Here he is,
the ugly, horse-like creature
Who robbed your store.
- Who you calling ugly?
- Oof!
Unh!
- Am i on t.V.?
- National t.V.!
[whinny]
- hi, mom!
- Look!
Hoofprints!
Our criminal just may be
a horse after all.
- Help!
Help!
- Another person in trouble!
We must be getting closer.
Are we getting closer?
Ugh!
- Focus!
- Right!
Focus!
- Follow those footprints!
- 'elp!
Somebody please 'elp!
- Hey there, pretty--
- Were you just accosted
by a llama?
- Mais oui!
He stole my tap shoes!
- Wait a second!
[footsteps clicking]
- This way, people!
- That means you, too,
speedo!
- Did you just see a tap-dancing
llama run by here?
- I don't know what a llama is,
But there's a giant dog
in the park
Giving away free fruit.
- Giant dog?
- In the park?
- Free fruit?
- Is there an echo in here?
- To the park!
- You might want to skip
the oranges.
I think he spit all over them.
- There he is!
[belch]
- Stand back!
I'll save you, llama!
- Save him?
- Look, mister!
Nobody eats that lady's llama
with johnny on duty!
One way or another,
he's coming back out.
- I don't think
that's a smart idea.
[thump]
[all gasp]
- [grunting]
- You're not the only one.
- Maybe i should have
thought this out better.
- I can't thank you enough
for finding my llama.
- Well, i can think of
a few ways you can thank me.
Mwah!
Oof!
[grunting]
- Hold it right there!
Do you picture
what i'm picturing?
- Pony rides at christmastime?
- Exactly!
But i'm also thinking
That we should skip
johnny--huh!--Johnny bravo
And go with these two!
- Two girls?
That's like a girl times two!
- You can't write this stuff!
Sorry about the change
of heart.
- But the change, i think,
is rather smart.
- So now i guess
i take your place.
- We'll see you on t.V.,
solving another case.
- Yeah, whatever.
[dog barks]
- Welcome to the heavily
anticipated premiere
Of the show that everybody's
talking about
- No one in this house.
- With your host marina--
- We interrupt this show that
everybody's talking about
To bring you
this late-breaking story.
- Yeah, bob,
there's a high-speed car chase
Going through the neighborhood
streets of aron city.
Apparently--
Wait a second. The driver's
skidding out of control.
H-he's headed for--
[tires squealing]
[sirens]
- What the--
- [police talking at once]
- Sir,
you've just witnessed
The most dramatic car chase
in years.
Your home is a wreck.
Now you're on t.V.
Any comments?
- Don't you just love
reality television?
- Hi!
I'm adam west.
That's rightAdam.
- Unh!
- West.
Welcome to another action-packed
episode
Of "adam west's date-o-rama!"
Formerly known as
"the great date coaster."
A.K.A. "can i get those digits?"
Sponsored
by "biscuits in a cup."
More popularly known as
"everybody loves adam west!"
Let's get started,
shall we?
- Hee hee hee!
- I never get tired of that.
Meet the date going-on-er,
johnny bravo.
Johnny is unemployed,
lives with his mother,
And knows the alphabet!
- A, blee,
that curvy one, uh
A, blee, 3!
- Oh, what a catch!
And johnny's date--
egads!
I mean, meet the black widow!
She's a reformed intergalactic
super-villainess.
She enjoys walks on the beach
And shattering mirrors
with her ghastly visage.
- I want a man who will bow down
before me and
Oh, uh, cuddle.
I just want a man to cuddle.
- That's swell!
[quack quack quack]
Will romance blossom between
jimmy barko and yellow fever?
The answer?
I am simply stunning!
To the date!
- i am so great
give me a hot date
[doorbell rings]
Huh! Ha! Huh!
Lucky lady, get ready to meet
johnny bra--
[crows cawing]
Aah!
[doorbell rings]
now, who could that be?
Ugh
[doorbell rings]
Now, who could that be?
Aah!
- Nice try, johnny bravo.
But you agreed to go
on this date,
And on it you will go.
- Prove it!
- Ugh!
This is a legally binding
contract.
I've got your john hancock
right here.
- No, you don't.
My john hancock's over there.
- I declare this contract
legally binding!
- Advantage: West!
To the date-o-rama-mobile!
- I knew i should have gone with
the ben franklin.
Oof!
- Aah!
- Let's just say
my last relationship left
A bad taste
in my mouth!
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
- Meow!
- Well, there you are,
miss kitty.
Bad dog!
- Oof!
This is so not fun.
- Aww, don't be embarrassed.
I got a frog in my throat!
[croak]
- Wow!
You look a lot better when you
can't tell what you look like.
- Grr!
- Oh, yeah.
Now we're getting somewhere.
[rooster crows]
[horse whinnies]
[birds chirping]
[baa baa]
[cluck cluck cluck]
- So, how do you like your date,
johnny?
- Well, between you and me, kid,
she's a real cow.
- Really?
- No, no, no.
I mean, she's a real pig.
A dog.
Whale?
Mule?
Quit horsing around!
I'm trying to tell you
that chick is ugly.
Oof!
- Baa!
- Huh?
Uh, what i meant to say
was that you're very, uh
Un-good-looking.
- Grr!
- Ooh, busted.
- Oh, my!
What a
Gentleman!
- So, black widow,
that's a
Name.
Isn't that french
for "puppy dog" or something?
- Actually, it's english
for "black widow."
[crickets chirping]
You know, the spider?
- Spider, huh?
Is that chinese
for "knee socks"?
- May i take your order?
- I'd like to order
the gastropods of
the planet saltice
To relinquish control
of the mollusk moon
To andropod forces at once!
Oh, and a house salad.
- I'd like to order a--
How about you and me
go out some time,
With a side
of your phone number?
- Aah!
- Aah!
Ah ah ah ah!
- I'd like to cancel that order!
- Ha ha ha!
[crickets chirping]
- Friend of yours?
This you?
[wolf howling]
- Oh, no!
Well, here we are!
- Then here i go!
- I'd like you to come inside
for some coffee.
Wouldn't you like to come inside
for some coffee!?
- Not really.
- Grr!
What?
- NotReally.
- Grr!
That's it!
You pathetic, insensitive,
unappreciative, callous,
Self-absorbed earth-dweller!
- You say something?
- I tried to be sweet!
I tried to be good!
I tried to be
a good model citizen!
- You're a model?
- Aah!
- So, how's about that coffee?
- Oh, johnny!
Poor, slow, slow,
slow johnny!
There's no coffee for you!
And there never will be!
- Wait a minute!
I'm not slow!
[rumbling]
- Not so fast.
NotSoFast.
Adam west.
- Black widow.
So, we meet again.
- That's right.
- Well, i assure you
we shan't meet again!
Again.
- Shan't we?
- We shan't!
Get him, boys!
- I see you've fallen off
the villainess recovery wagon,
Black widow.
Allow me to reintroduce you
to my 12-step program.
Step 1: Don't swim for at least
30 minutes after eating.
Ugh!
Step 2: Don't wear white
after labor day.
Yah!
Step 3:
Don't talk to strangers!
Baby, don't you talk!
Unh!
Steps 4-11:
Well, they're pretty much
the same as steps 1-3.
Yah!
- [gasp]
- Step 12:
Don't mess with the west!
- Aw, phooey!
- Hey, adam west!
When did you get here?
- Johnny, in the future,
please be more selective
About the variety of hooligan
you consort with.
- I'll sign to that.
- You are so gone, hancock!
Well, fair audience members,
It looks like
those two kooky kids
Really hit it off.
But don't take my word for it.
Let's see what they have to say.
- I had a great time
with johnny.
I would go out with him again.
- Uh, can somebody get me down
from here?
- Aww.
Nothing gnaws at this
cavalier casanova's
sinewy heartstrings
More than the sweet, dewy music
of the lovestruck.
It's what brings me back
to this show
Day after day after--
Well, that and my limo driver
charles.
[honk honk]
Anyways,
turn in tomorrow
For another astonishingly
wondrous episode of
"adam west
presents adam west!"
Same adam time,
same adam channel!
Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group
- Hello, johnny.
It's activity time!
One of these things
is not like the other.
Can you guess which one it is
before the kids at home do?
- No problem!
Ha ha!
Thought you could fool me
on this one,
But i know the thing
that is different is this thing!
- Whoo-hoo!
Congratulations, johnny!
You are today's winner!
So, until next time, good night,
and have a pleasant tomorrow.
You like me!
You really like me!
Captioned by the national